Alpha House (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

- Damn it.
- What's wrong? Why do I work for that appalling little man? Because he's decent, he cares about his staff, and he tries to do the right thing.
He's so bad at doing the right thing.
He told the whole country we were getting married.
He didn't mean to.
He panicked.
What? Why aren't you more upset about this? I don't know.
People kept coming up to congratulate me all week.
It was funny and kind of touching.
But I thought that you were against the whole I know.
So did I.
So does that mean that the idea of marrying me is not so horrifying after all? I'm evolving.
James.
He's dropping off my glasses.
Hey, Julie.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, James.
- You're a lifesaver.
- No worries.
All part of the job, no matter how menial the errand.
Hey, any word yet on when you'll be taking your leave of absence? I'd do the math myself, but you never told me the date of conception.
Nope.
No word yet, James.
Okay.
By the way, ladies, when the little one, uh, shows up, I'd be honored if he called me "uncle James.
" Mm-hmm.
Okay, bye-bye.
See you tomorrow.
Uncle James? Kat I have something to tell you.
What is it? Our son will not be calling that imbecile "Uncle James.
" Agreed.
He'll be calling him "dad.
" Look at you.
You've been busy.
What, is that me above the fold or someone just as handsome? Let me see that.
It would seem that you were caught in the act of legislating, with women, no less.
Women, my friend, are the new men.
They get things done.
Our female colleagues are sane and smart, they stick together, and they smell a hell of a lot better than we do.
Speak for yourself.
Louis, I'm telling you as your friend.
You really gotta stop using Marta's perfume.
I think it's distinctive.
Sets me apart from the old spice crowd.
So what do you think of all this presidential speculation? Pretty silly, huh? Is there speculation in that article about my running? You know, I mean, you've got no organization, no money, no endorsements.
Must be crazy talk.
I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Besides, I got a lot on my plate, Andy.
That's right.
You do.
And people think about you now as the new master of the Senate, the new LBJ.
I wouldn't go that far.
LBJ was a one-of-a-kind legislator.
Still a great model for you, though.
Mm-hmm.
Pretty good President too.
Louis, you know what you've done with this lesbian brouhaha, right? Yes.
I've severed my own chain of command.
I now have a chief of staff who won't talk to me.
No, I mean politically.
You presented the party with a golden opportunity to get on the right side of history.
Lamar, history repeats itself.
We'll be back on her good side soon enough.
By then it could be too late.
The GOP needs to mobilize its tiny but excitable homosexual base.
And the committee feels a high-profile, Republican gay marriage could be just the thing.
Okay, just so I've got this straight, you want Julie to marry her partner as an RNC media event? Think she'd be game? I think she'd rather be boiled alive.
But it can't hurt to ask, though, right? And throwing a gay wedding could put to rest your homophobe-of-the-year problem.
- You read Out magazine? - Dentist office.
Look, Louis, I know you can pull this off.
And tell the girls they can use my country cottage if they want.
Do one of those barefoot things.
Later.
I'll tell Reince it's a maybe.
No, no, it's more like a never.
Lamar, it's more like a never! And that brings us to our final item.
Why are you doing that? Because you're about to get in a really bad mood.
You don't know that.
I do, because you have to go to an RNC fund-raiser tomorrow night.
Oh, Christ.
Look, I tallied them up.
There are nine reasons why this is gonna piss you off.
So here they are, and bear in mind that I'm just the messenger.
I'll be the judge of that.
Okay, one: It's not optional because the campaign is running on fumes.
Two: There are three major donors there whom only you know but whom you also loathe.
Heller, Simpson, and Rothstein.
And quit saying "whom.
" Okay, three: The event is at the Rothstein center, a building you regard as both grandiose and claustrophobic.
Okay, and can we just skip to nine, which I know you're planning to nuke me with? Four: It'll be raining.
Five: There will be a limo strike.
Six: The event will be catered with Sushi.
Seven: The singing senators will be there.
Oh, Aaron, Christ, you're killing me here.
Eight: The biggest donor is in from Philadelphia, so the chairman expects you to hang.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck you in advance.
Nine better be that it's a cash bar.
Nine: The donor in question happens to be the auto executive who's currently dating your ex-wife.
But that's it, so Actually, I hear my phone ringing.
Are you fucking kidding me? Aaron, you get your skinny ass back here! God damn it! I'm telling you, Cuba could be my breakout issue.
I don't think so, Andy.
Paint me a picture of the downside, Kat.
The Iowa caucuses are rural.
Farmers will love it.
Unpopular in Florida? Myth.
63% approve of normalization.
I could carry Florida on this issue.
But it'll get so ugly.
The issue is still toxic in old Miami.
Senator Menendez and the whole Republican field will tear you apart.
Let them.
That's the whole point.
Standing up to the anti-Castro dead-Enders takes guts.
Andy could break out of the pack.
He could own a major issue, take the big, bad, swinging-dick lead on it.
I love it when you overcompensate.
I could go to Cuba.
I could go to freakin' Cuba.
Why do you always wander off when I'm about to win? Don't you see, Kat? It could be my Nixon-to-China moment.
If Nixon could shake hands with Mao, who had the blood of millions on his hands, well, then hell, I could sit in an intensive care unit with Castro, - who only has the blood of - Thousands.
Thousands.
It'd be historic.
Are you sure you're not just doing this to impress your Cuban-American ex-fiancée? You think it'd impress her? Maybe, but not her consigliere.
Benny's a different generation.
Yes, he's wired in.
He'd know exactly who I need to piss off.
Just so I can let the staff in on this, we're about to deliberately stir up a shitstorm? Category five.
I'm gonna go talk to Menendez, give him a heads-up, you know, as a courtesy.
We're here with the stars of the Real Daughters of D.
C.
, Cee Biggs and Charity Robeson.
Congratulations, ladies.
The show's a big hit.
- Thank you, we're very exc - Best opening ever for a millennial reality show.
But, you know, Andy, it isn't all about popularity.
It's about integrity.
Integrity's part of my and Charity's brand, although it was my idea originally.
Charity thought of other stuff for instance, her dressing like a straight person.
That was totally her idea.
Excuse me.
What are you talking about? And I totally respected that.
It was part of your journey.
Well, Cee Biggs, I want to talk about your journey because a big part of that was working through issues with your dad.
People really were moved by that.
The rest were bored, but whatever.
I think that scene with Gil John, it was really Out-of-body-ish because I had no idea that even though he couldn't always be there for me, he was paying attention.
He cared about that shy little girl.
I'm sorry, I just threw up a little inside my mouth.
I'm okay, though.
Okay, great.
We're gonna let Cee Biggs respond to that after this.
What do you think? Darling, I am on the cutting room floor, and that's all I care about.
Tammy said the show's getting a lot of attention back home.
- Hmm.
- Good attention.
Go figure.
- There's your car.
- Oh.
Better get going.
All right, I'll talk to you soon.
I know those are your favorite words.
Oh, are you kidding? I love your calls.
I got a picture of the speakerphone next to my bed.
- Be good, darling.
- Yes'm.
And the hydrangeas are almost over, but please don't deadhead them.
I use them for dried flower arrangements.
They cure to this lovely pale green.
Good morning, Robert.
Well, I'll be damned.
It's our wacky neighbor.
Ixnay on the snarks, my bro.
Rose is looking after the garden while we're away.
Hey, Gil, did you know Sarah Palin attacked you? - Really? - It's on politico.
She kneecapped you on her channel last night.
Sarah Palin has a channel? She does.
Let me check it out.
Buck up or stay in the truck.
Ah, such a tease.
- What? - It's a pay-wall.
You have to subscribe.
$9.
95 a month.
You got a credit card? No way I'm gonna pay to watch that whack job.
- You can expense-account it.
- Nah.
Why so cranky this morning? Eh, I gotta go to a fund-raiser tonight.
That's news? I have three events today alone.
It's a big RNC do.
Eve's gonna be there.
With motor trade man? Yeah, he's a lead donor.
Want company? It's a GOP event, Rose.
Sounds like fun.
I can tweet everything I overhear, delighting millions.
You would do that for me? Bet you a dollar Gil caves.
Good morning, Senator.
Did you see Palin? I did not.
My bank card expired.
What'd she say? Oh, well, the Governor just went off on everything.
She ripped the D.
C.
daughters as an embarrassment.
Fair point.
She called you out for being a rhino, for going along to get along, for hobnobbing with powerful lame-streamers, for not being born more than once, for reading so-called newspapers Sorry, sir, you asked.
No, no, no, it's fascinating.
Please go on.
Well, the thing that really frosted her cookies was the video of you disarming Senator Stanchion in the capitol.
She challenged you to go up to Wasilla to take away one of her deer rifles and called you a second amendment wimp.
What do you think? I think it's fantastic, Senator.
So do I, but why do you? Puts you in the big leagues.
She only attacks people on their way up.
Oh, your daughter's thrilled.
Sarah Palin name-checked the Real Daughters, and that really helps you out a lot.
You know? That show really humanizes you.
Stop using that word.
I'm already human.
- Tess! - Senator? Can we send some flowers to Alaska? Will do.
Boom.
And so, to benefit the A.
D.
L - A.
L.
S.
, sir.
- The A.
L.
S.
, I hereby accept the ice bucket challenge.
Ho holy cra ab cakes.
Wow, that pooled quickly.
Um, so, now I challenge my favorite bleeding-heart liberal to do the same.
I'm looking at you, Pope Francis.
Cut.
Cut.
I can do it.
Julie.
Katharine.
- Uh - Good morning, Senator.
Uh, good morning.
Could we speak privately, please? Of course.
Clear.
And before you say anything, I would just like to offer my profound apologies.
We'd prefer your congratulations.
My what? Well, uh, sir, in your own thoughtless, hurtful way, you kind of forced the issue for us.
For me, actually.
I'm divorced, and I thought I never wanted to get married again.
Divorced? There's also gay divorce? In states where we can get married, of course.
Wow, I but are we ready as a society for gay divorce? I mean, you gotta walk before you can stumble, right? The point is, sir, I've had second thoughts.
I decided I would like to make a public commitment to Julie.
Besides the one you made for her.
Oh, well, this is fantastic news.
And I can give you both a big hug without it being harassment, right? Doesn't apply.
No.
Y y you're a little damp, sir.
Oh, right.
Rain check.
So when's the big day, girls? Uh, well, soon.
It'll be small.
We're not sure where exactly.
You know what? I have an idea.
As a way of making things up to you, I was just talking to Senator Farkus, and he thinks the world of you two, I'm sure he'd let you use his country cottage.
Oh, no, no, no, no, sir.
We couldn't possibly accept Don't be silly.
He'd be honored.
And you two are so busy.
You need to let your friends pitch in.
I am gonna be out of town a lot.
It'd take some of the pressure off.
Okay, but I mean, I guess it would be okay.
Thank you, Senator.
Great.
I'll get the team right on it.
James! I'm about to put my game face on, so don't be alarmed.
Let me see.
Ooh, doesn't that hurt? Better put yours on too.
Ooh, too late.
Everybody's already starting to stare.
Two black people congregating, never good.
Oh, no, it's because you're a Democrat.
You two just getting here? You missed the Singing Senators.
We did a tribute to the great Barbra Streisand.
Rosalyn, what on earth are you doing here? Lamar, I'm sure what you meant to say was, "How nice to see you, Rosalyn.
" Did I? Good lord.
Then why didn't I say it? Truth is, Lamar, I'm window shopping.
Thinking of changing parties.
Nonsense.
But I love to hear it.
Our tent flaps are open.
Oh, here.
Drink ticket, on me.
Have fun.
Ooh, Sushi.
Robbie.
Eve.
What a pleasant surprise.
And you must be her Italian friend from the driving machine trade.
Uh, Grant Feininger, Senator.
I'm a Philly boy, just like you.
And I just sell cars.
Nice to see you, Eve.
Grant, this is Senator Rosalyn DuPeche.
Big fan of everything but your politics.
I'll take what I can get.
Given where I am.
So how was Monaco? Monaco? Absolutely thrilling.
We watched the race from the Ermanno palace.
Our car came in third.
It's a very challenging circuit.
The Monaco course is so, uh, twisting and tight.
It favors the skilled driver over automotive power.
Oh, and the tunnel section Oh, my God, the tunnel section.
The quick switch from from light to dark and back to light is very difficult for the driver, especially since it's right at one of the fastest points on the circuit.
The course is so dangerous.
You wouldn't believe it.
The great Nelson Piquet likened it to, um, riding a bicycle around your living room.
But enough about the grand prix.
How are you, Robbie? Never better.
Jack, Jack, what I'm doing here is running to be the next senator from North Carolina.
It is no longer clear to me what Gil John Biggs is running for.
Seems upset, doesn't he? He knows it's over.
Could be.
Hey, did you hear Sarah Palin attacked me today? She did not.
Go see for yourself.
It'll cost you $9.
95, though.
What did she say? Just a bunch of incoherent Sarah-speak.
My staff couldn't be happier.
Been getting calls all day.
Lots of buzz.
Presidential buzz? Apparently, if Palin dumps on you, that means you're insufficiently crazy for the tea-baggers.
Which means you have a credible shot at the nomination.
The mere hint of which gets bookers all over town hot and bothered.
I got three shows booked tomorrow.
Honey bear, that is thrilling.
If you could just monetize it Uh-oh.
Billy's gone? Oh, all gone.
We can't afford his rates now that we've defriended him.
I'll be eating off plywood for a while.
That's okay.
It'll keep you humble.
You're married to the GOP's fresh new face now.
Oh, my.
You a fresh new face after all these years.
After all these years, little girl.
Ah, I owe you one, Rose.
A big one.
Great.
It'll be fun calling it in.
So Go home tomorrow, get ready for the big push.
See you after the election.
Yep.
Good luck, Robert.
What are we up to? 228, and that's if we don't allow plus-ones.
Oh, James, be serious.
How can you tell a member of Congress not to bring a date? I don't know, but Julie and Katharine are going to have a fit when they see this list.
Only 32 of the guests are theirs.
Those poor ladies.
They have to put up with this great, big, ridiculous wedding, and then they still have to face eternal damnation.
Oh, come on, Lola.
You don't really believe that, do you? James, they're avowed lesbians, they went shopping for sperm, have an illicit baby, living in sin it's practically the whole list.
Well, we don't know if they're living in sin.
We might want to know that, but we don't.
In fact, they may be avoiding premarital sex, like us.
And it can't be easy.
I mean, we have motion-free soaking, but how do two women marinate? Why would you ask me such a disgusting question? Lola, all I'm saying is, it wouldn't hurt to show a little more compassion.
You're right, James.
I'm sorry.
I'll try harder.
I guess they just wouldn't move their tongues.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Hmm.
Senator, it will be seen as a serious provocation.
If you give this speech as written, Vigilia Mambisa and the rest of little Havana will come down on you in force.
That's the idea, which is why we're pre-releasing it.
I beg your pardon? Benny, I wanna stir the pot.
The embargo is a failed policy.
We've given it 54 years.
Maybe it's time to try something else.
Senator, in our little corner of the world What was that? I just stuck up for you.
It just so happens that I agree with you on this issue.
Benny, you know how well we're positioned to invest in Cuba.
Ms.
de Portago, it will not go well for us.
Many of our business associates are anti-communists of long standing.
Maybe, Benny, but my friends, my generation, we don't identify with the exiles.
There's no future in the embargo.
It's just a bitter, pointless Cold War relic.
You just quoted me.
I know.
I mean, I was quoting Pat Leahy, who was probably fed it by a staffer, but The message resonates, doesn't it? And so does the messenger.
I will be there.
I will not.
Thank you so much, Senator Warren.
My daughter will be thrilled.
She's a Wall Street refugee.
Oh, you give her my best and wish her good luck.
Thank you.
I'll take one of those.
They're free, right? Gil John! How are ya? How's it going, Elizabeth? Still flogging books? You bet.
I'm gonna stay after it until every Republican has read this book, including you.
So, Gil John, when are you gonna write a book? Oh, there's no point to it unless you're running for higher office.
Well, from what I hear, that means you may be writing one really soon.
You take care.
I gotta run.
- Have fun with Jake.
- Thank you.
"For Gil John.
"I'm not running for anything.
Are you? Love, Elizabeth.
" Senator, getting to 60 on any bill is news now.
People are amazed.
Well, they shouldn't be, Jake.
Anything's possible if you use a civility-based approach.
You reach across the aisle.
It's the only way to make things happen.
But to bring Senator Peg Stanchion along well, in order to get Senator Stanchion's attention, Democrats are gonna have to reach across two aisles, the one between them and us and then another one between us and the tea party.
But as a Republican, I sit right in the middle.
I can reach both sides without straining myself.
And I see no shame in that.
But there seemed to be some bad blood between you and Senator Stanchion, especially after you disarmed her in the capitol.
And I noticed Governor Palin joined the fray this week.
Did you? You must have a working credit card.
I do, and you have to admit that getting attacked by Governor Palin puts a national spotlight on you.
You're even being talked about for 2016.
I've heard you described as Christie without the bridge.
So have I.
Senator, what a surprise.
Julie, say hello to Courtney Townsend.
Uh, Ms.
Townsend.
Courtney Townsend, of Townsend events.
I'm a wedding coordinator, Ms.
carrell.
May we come in? Hi, Katharine.
Good evening, Senator.
Th there must be some kind of misunderstanding, Senator.
We don't need a wedding coordinator.
Well, I didn't think so either.
But I can't ask James and Lola to do everything, you know.
We're in the middle of a campaign.
Why would they be doing anything? Well, exactly.
Not to be overly critical, but they were making a hash of it.
Weddings should be left to professionals.
But it's just a few people.
Oh, dear.
That's what the groom always thinks.
Or are you the bride? Sorry, I should have asked.
You just look like you might be the groom.
We're both brides.
How darling.
So that will be two gowns, and we'll keep the train short, so you don't get all tangled up.
Oh, and does that mean a double team of bridesmaids? I strongly advise you limit it to 16.
16? We only have 30 guests.
Okay, well I'll leave the details up to you guys.
I'm off to the airport.
Gotta get home for the final drive.
Wish me luck.
- Ms.
Townsend? - Mm? How many guests were you planning for? By my count, 400.
But the yield would be under 350.
Now then, who's giving away who to whom? Ladies and gentlemen, the embargo is now just a bitter relic of a long-ago Cold War.
We engage with every other country in the world.
Why not Cuba? It is time for a new vision.
I have such a vision.
A vision of normalization.
A vision of Jetblue and Delta shuttle flights direct from Miami to Havana without the annoying stopover in Mexico.
I see thousands of American tourists flocking to Cuba and spending their dollars on diet cokes And dove bars and other familiar snack foods, legally imported from the United States.
I see those same tourists Connecting with ordinary Cubans, citizen to citizen and slipping them thumb drives Containing copies of the constitution, for instance, or Grand Theft Auto V or the latest pop confections of Beyonce.
We can do this.
We can flood Cuba with so much of our culture and our commerce and our way of life, it will become indistinguishable from east Harlem.
Uh, that's it.
That's my vision.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Don't worry, ma'am.
The vehicle's armored.
We'll be fine.
Wha what the hell's wrong with you? This is terrifying.
I caused all this.
All these people are reacting to me.
It's a little frightening.
But to be honest, it's also really, really hot.