Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e09 Episode Script
Bully the Kid
ANDY: It was a day like any other day and Byron and I were hard at work writing the manual for the new Pickering Industries' Jetpack when suddenly Hey, you guys want to go catch a movie tonight? Then, without warning, Byron shocked us with a startling revelation.
No, I can't.
Next, he rocked our world with something so unbelievable no sane person could have predicted it.
There's a Taxi marathon on TV tonight that I really want to watch.
Okay, I was trying to make things wildly dramatic but now I'm done.
Basically, we were just sitting around the office talking about stuff when this happened! (gasps) Okay, now I'm really done.
The Taxi marathon? Won't your Twilight Zone tapes get jealous? Well, they are just going to have to deal with it because I love that Marilu Henner.
She puts the "T&A" in Taxi.
You know, I don't want to brag, but, uh, I once met Ms.
Henner.
You did not.
No, really.
She was speaking at Northwestern.
And as sergeant at arms of the film society, I got to pick her up at the airport.
I can't believe you never told me.
What-What did you say to her? Hey, Marilu Henner, it's like I'm driving you in a taxi.
Get it? You know, Taxi, that show you were on? Get it? Do you guys get radio in this town? We shared a moment.
Although the bylaws of the film society prohibit me from discussing it further.
That's an interesting story.
You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah.
Anyway, think about the movie.
Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.
Yeah.
Andy, Byron, this is my nephew, Jake.
He's going to be staying with me for a few days so I thought I'd introduce you in case you see him running around the office.
That's not fair.
Jessica never lets us run around the office.
This is the fastest we're allowed to go.
(singsong): I'm going to catch you.
(singsong): No, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Wow! A jetpack.
Are those things real? ANDY: Sure.
We're writing the manual for it but it's top secret.
You're not in the Politburo, are you? No.
I'm from Iowa.
Oh.
Hey, I'm from Iowa.
Really? No, I just I never know what to say to kids.
All you have to do is be yourself.
Right, Jakey? Jakey-Jake-Jake.
L.
L.
Cool Jake.
See? It's a piece of Jake.
(laughs) Oh, come on, that was my last one.
So Jake's staying with me for a couple of days while he goes to soccer camp.
Jessica, your 11:00 appointment's here.
Hi, Wendy.
Hey, Jakey-Jakey-Jake.
Ooh, he doesn't like that.
Yes, I do.
Uh, Andy could I talk to you for a minute? WENDY: Come on, Jake-me-the-river, I think there's some Popsicles in the freezer.
No, there aren't.
There's just that same empty box that someone's too lazy to throw out.
I did not eat the last one.
And yet you know that someone did.
Ah, h-hello.
Andy, I have a late meeting across town.
I was wondering if you could pick Jake up from soccer practice and just take him back to your place till I can come get him? I don't know.
I was going to make tacos and watch Stuart Little.
A kid might get in the way.
Or, it might seem less sad with a kid there.
Sure, why not? Maybe he knows how to make tacos.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Jake, you want some tacos? Yeah, that'd be great.
Look at me, making tacos, picking up kids from soccer practice.
I'm going to be a great dad.
(knocking on door) And if that doesn't work out, I can always sell tacos down by the soccer field.
Hey, Andy.
Hey, Jessica.
Where's Jake? You did pick him up, didn't you? Oh, no.
(gasping): Andy! I totally forgot to get him because I'm so stupid! Oh, I'm such a dumb boob.
Relax, Miss Worrypants.
He's in the bathroom washing up.
Oh, thank God.
You ask me to something, and I do it.
You know why? Because I'm reliable.
Oh, by the way, that jetpack manual-- it's going to be a few days late.
Maybe a week.
It's okay.
I'm sorry I overreacted like that.
It's just, my sister's really uptight, and she thinks that I'm an irresponsible, career-oriented slut.
I don't think you're career-oriented.
I know, but she's a stay-at-home mom.
She's really conservative and overprotective.
She didn't speak to me for a year after I sort of accidentally taught Jake the "F" word.
Then she told me how it happened.
Want to see? Don't worry, I'll replace the naughty part.
Oh! Oh, oh.
(groans) Darn it.
Ow! Ow, ooh.
Shoot! Ow! Jiminy Christmas! (sighs) Jakey, honey, could you hand me a Fudge.
.
ing nail? Jake's visit is my chance to prove to my sister that I'm responsible.
If I mess up, she will never talk to me again.
But she'll talk about me to my mother, my aunt, our minister, Jesus, and she will get them all to hate me.
Let's eat tacos.
Who the Fudge are you?! That's your nephew, Jake.
No, it's not.
Kid, what's your name? Jake.
See? That's not my nephew.
Sure, it is.
Andy, don't fight me on this.
Okay, but you got to admit it looks a lot like him.
How could you let this happen? I don't know.
I went down to the soccer field.
I yelled Jake, and he got in the car.
I gave him some candy, and we drove off.
What were you thinking? You had candy.
I like candy.
I'm going to go to the park and see if I can find Jake.
You find out where this kid lives and take him home.
Can we have tacos first? No, you can't have tacos! I don't even know who you are anymore.
Okay, you can have a couple for the ride.
When I returned Fake Jake to his parents, I was happy to see they had brought the real Jake home with them.
At first I was afraid that Fake Jake's parents might be a little angry with me.
Come on, honey, get him! Get him! Oh.
Oh! Hit him.
Oh! Ow! Harder! But actually, I got lucky.
The dad had already passed out drunk and the mom was so obese that she was bedridden and couldn't have been happier to see a bag of tacos.
So I called Jessica and told her everything was fine and to pick up Jake at my place.
Jenga! (laughs) That was fun! Look at me, playing Jenga.
And this time, I'm 100% certain that I have the right child.
Now, you're the one with an Aunt Jessica, right? Yeah.
Okay.
The next day, I popped my head into Jessica's office to see if she was still mad.
Good morning, Sunshine.
Are we okay? (groaning): Oh! I just want you to know I spent an hour on the phone last night convincing my sister I'm not completely irresponsible.
Ultimately, I failed.
Well, I can kind of see her point.
I mean, you did lose her son.
Although, technically some of that is my fault.
You know what that kid could use? A huge, distinguishing scar.
That would have really helped out yesterday.
Maybe one of those metal claw hands? Well, I'm off.
Hey, Jake.
(eerily): Jenga.
What? Isn't that what you say when you win a game? Yeah, but only when you're playing that particular game and even then, you don't want to say it all creepy like that.
Jenga.
What's with you? I don't know.
What's with you and Marilu Henner? What? Last night when you were in the bathroom, like, forever I was bored.
So I started looking around and I found a tape of you and her.
That's impossible.
That tape doesn't exist.
Andy, I took it home.
And after Aunt Jessica went to bed, I looked at it.
All right, there is a tape, but it's sexual in nature, so I can't show it to you.
But here's me watching it.
ANDY: This doesn't feel right, Marilu.
Shut up.
I'll tell you what feels right.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ow! I set the camera up to interview her for my college film society.
One thing lead to another and well, let's just say she always wanted to direct.
Come on, smile at the camera.
Do it! I'm trying to smile, but I'm scared.
You're not scared, you're weak! You're probably wondering why I kept the tape.
Well, sex with a celebrity is still sex with a celebrity.
Jake, when a man and woman love each other Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that speech, and this wasn't that.
You know what? I'm going to show that tape to my mom.
Why? Is she a big fan of Ms.
Henner's? 'Cause I could probably get her an autographed photo.
I'm also thinking I might post it on the Internet, starting with an e-mail to everybody you work with.
Why are you doing this? What are they teaching you at that soccer camp? I'll give you your tape back but only if you let me fly around in one of those jetpacks.
Well, I can't do that.
Sure you can.
I saw you do a lot of things I never thought a person could do.
And now the whole world will see it, too.
Oh, man.
I like that other Jake a lot more than I like you.
How am I going to get that tape back from Jake? This place is never going to give me a jetpack.
And they shouldn't! I mean, look at me-- I'm ready to give it to a kid! How does it feel being outsmarted by a child? Let me guess-- familiar? Take a hike, Skeletor.
Oh, cheer up.
This tape could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
You finally have proof that you fornicated with something you didn't pay for or inflate.
I told Keith and Byron about my problem and they cut right to the heart of it.
So, you bagged Marilu Henner? Yes, and it was hot and steamy and everything that fan-on-celebrity sex should be.
Except for the part where she made me bark like a dog.
And not a big strong dog either-- a yappy little rat dog! Okay, the Marilu Henner? It-It wasn't one of those Marilu Henner impersonators, was it? Because those guys do not do her justice.
It was really her.
Guys, if Jessica finds out that Jake saw that tape, she is going to kill me.
Not to mention (Andy yipping like a dog) I got to get Jake a jetpack.
It's in the basement.
Really? The basement? They have them in this building? They've got a lot of things in this building you don't know about-- things you don't want to know about.
I know there's a gym.
Look, will you get off me about that? I signed up.
But you never go.
I'm busy! You're not that busy.
Guys, we're talking about a jetpack.
KEITH: Don't worry.
I know the guy who runs the storageroom.
He can get you one.
Really? Well, that's great! How come you always know a guy? 'Cause I go to the gym.
All right, I'll go to the gym, but the important thing now is that Jessica can never find out about this.
What? What?! What?! You promised my nephew a ride on a jetpack?! That's crazy! Who told you that? My nephew.
He told me all about it.
Well, I think you ought to punish him for stealing that tape.
What tape? What? Andy! Then I explained the whole thing leaving out the really humiliating parts.
Jessica was really mad.
It looked a little like this.
Actually, it wasn't that bad.
I can't be mad at you.
You're adorable! Look at that puss.
Stop it.
Okay, the truth was somewhere in between.
He's a 12-year-old kid.
If my sister finds out he saw a sex tape, she will beat me to death with one of her precious Bibles.
Well, I say we knock him around until he gives it back.
So, your plan is lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up? That's the Chicago way.
I will go and talk to Jake, and I will get the tape back.
He owes me.
After all, I am the one that taught him the "F" word.
Jakey! (manly voice): Jake of all trades! No.
Who's next? I'll speak to him.
I've been sensing a bit of a crush, and I don't want to brag, but little boys thank Heaven for me.
Hey, Jake.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Your gay nephew won't budge.
(sighs) Come on.
Is it that crazy to let this kid go up in a jetpack? I don't know, Andy.
Is it that crazy to expect you to hide your homemade porn somewhere other than in your VCR? I didn't hide it in the VCR.
I hid it in the crisper drawer.
And what kind of twisted 12-year-old goes looking for salad? That's the bigger question.
Look, can we stop blaming each other for something that's obviously your fault? Agreed.
Is there any possible way that Jake could do this jetpack thing safely? Or, so dangerously that it kills us all? I know one of the test pilots the company uses.
I could get him to take the little brat up with him, go up 20, 30 feet, come back down.
No problem.
Sounds like a good idea, except the part where he comes back down.
ANDY: What do you say, Jessica? He'd be with a professional, and we have no other options.
Sure.
Although that's the same argument you made when you were trying to talk me into getting a prostitute for Byron's birthday.
Cashmere was a prostitute? This is the Pickering Industries Proving Grounds where they test all their military hardware.
Oh, wait, wait, I should have told you like this: Hang on, this will be even better.
Come on.
Strap this thing on me, and let's fly.
I wish he'd stop quoting from that tape.
Jake, you're not going up alone.
We're waiting for the test pilot.
How high can this thing go? It's got a ceiling of 480 feet.
Although if you drop from that height, you go an extra eight feet into the ground.
ANDY: Maybe we should put out some gym mats or pile up some leaves or something.
Or at least get a video camera so we can make some money off this disaster.
Look, there's our guy.
(dramatic music plays) If John Wayne and the Statue of Liberty had a son, he'd be it.
(dramatic music continues) (music winds down then stops) Hey, wait a minute, you're not Jerry.
Where's my friend Jerry? He said he was going to help us out.
Your friend Jerry's on a training mission.
I'm his father.
But you're still a test pilot, right? Retired, but don't worry, I'm fully certified.
As a matter of fact, I'm the only guy who's ever flown one of these babies in actual combat.
These were used in combat? Not anymore.
Here's a tip: never hover 50 feet over a battlefield, unarmed wearing a silver jumpsuit.
I spent seven years in a bamboo cage with that little mistake.
Oh, God.
(groans) Ow, my back! Are you okay? Oh, my god, that's painful.
What are you going to do? Sorry, Jake.
No way.
I'm going to tell my mom about that tape.
(scoffs) That's it.
I'll take him up.
You don't know how to fly this thing.
The hell I don't.
I wrote the new manual for it.
Well, most of it.
Did I mention I'm going to need another week? It's okay, kids.
I'm going to be fine.
Next stop, the sky.
Well, I'm not going to let Jake to go up there with you.
Jessica, I can do this.
Oh, wow! That is a lot heavier than I thought it was.
Andy, take that thing off right now.
Oh, God, now she's quoting the tape.
I'm serious! Take it off.
(grunting) Sorry.
(yelling) (sobbing) I'm flying! Along the ground! (screaming) Are you still mad at me? My sister's picking Jake up in ten minutes, which means I'm ten minutes and five seconds away from her never speaking to me again.
But look what I got to make it all better.
I was going to get you a mink coat, but they're so inhumane, so I got you this Members Only jacket instead.
And a bottle of scotch.
Great.
So if I drink all of this I might accidentally put on this.
You're welcome.
Okay, new deal.
I'll forget everything if you let me drive a submarine.
What? I want to drive a submarine.
Well, a submarine's out of the question! But what about concert tickets? A new bike? A jacket from a very exclusive club? Enough, Jessica.
We've taken enough from this little crap weasel.
You go ahead and plaster that tape all over the Internet.
I'll be totally humiliated, but I don't care anymore.
Someone has got to teach you the lesson that most of the time blackmail is wrong.
I agree.
I'm done jumping through hoops for you.
If you want to show your mother that tape, you go right ahead.
Fine, I will.
No, you won't! Give me that tape, you little bastard! Ow! Ow! I won't give it to you! I won't give it to you! It has to be in here somewhere.
Ah, here it is! Ha! I bet he's got some money.
JESSICA: Yeah! (sinister chuckling) Mom! Jessica? Oh Fudge.
No, I can't.
Next, he rocked our world with something so unbelievable no sane person could have predicted it.
There's a Taxi marathon on TV tonight that I really want to watch.
Okay, I was trying to make things wildly dramatic but now I'm done.
Basically, we were just sitting around the office talking about stuff when this happened! (gasps) Okay, now I'm really done.
The Taxi marathon? Won't your Twilight Zone tapes get jealous? Well, they are just going to have to deal with it because I love that Marilu Henner.
She puts the "T&A" in Taxi.
You know, I don't want to brag, but, uh, I once met Ms.
Henner.
You did not.
No, really.
She was speaking at Northwestern.
And as sergeant at arms of the film society, I got to pick her up at the airport.
I can't believe you never told me.
What-What did you say to her? Hey, Marilu Henner, it's like I'm driving you in a taxi.
Get it? You know, Taxi, that show you were on? Get it? Do you guys get radio in this town? We shared a moment.
Although the bylaws of the film society prohibit me from discussing it further.
That's an interesting story.
You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah.
Anyway, think about the movie.
Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.
Yeah.
Andy, Byron, this is my nephew, Jake.
He's going to be staying with me for a few days so I thought I'd introduce you in case you see him running around the office.
That's not fair.
Jessica never lets us run around the office.
This is the fastest we're allowed to go.
(singsong): I'm going to catch you.
(singsong): No, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Wow! A jetpack.
Are those things real? ANDY: Sure.
We're writing the manual for it but it's top secret.
You're not in the Politburo, are you? No.
I'm from Iowa.
Oh.
Hey, I'm from Iowa.
Really? No, I just I never know what to say to kids.
All you have to do is be yourself.
Right, Jakey? Jakey-Jake-Jake.
L.
L.
Cool Jake.
See? It's a piece of Jake.
(laughs) Oh, come on, that was my last one.
So Jake's staying with me for a couple of days while he goes to soccer camp.
Jessica, your 11:00 appointment's here.
Hi, Wendy.
Hey, Jakey-Jakey-Jake.
Ooh, he doesn't like that.
Yes, I do.
Uh, Andy could I talk to you for a minute? WENDY: Come on, Jake-me-the-river, I think there's some Popsicles in the freezer.
No, there aren't.
There's just that same empty box that someone's too lazy to throw out.
I did not eat the last one.
And yet you know that someone did.
Ah, h-hello.
Andy, I have a late meeting across town.
I was wondering if you could pick Jake up from soccer practice and just take him back to your place till I can come get him? I don't know.
I was going to make tacos and watch Stuart Little.
A kid might get in the way.
Or, it might seem less sad with a kid there.
Sure, why not? Maybe he knows how to make tacos.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Jake, you want some tacos? Yeah, that'd be great.
Look at me, making tacos, picking up kids from soccer practice.
I'm going to be a great dad.
(knocking on door) And if that doesn't work out, I can always sell tacos down by the soccer field.
Hey, Andy.
Hey, Jessica.
Where's Jake? You did pick him up, didn't you? Oh, no.
(gasping): Andy! I totally forgot to get him because I'm so stupid! Oh, I'm such a dumb boob.
Relax, Miss Worrypants.
He's in the bathroom washing up.
Oh, thank God.
You ask me to something, and I do it.
You know why? Because I'm reliable.
Oh, by the way, that jetpack manual-- it's going to be a few days late.
Maybe a week.
It's okay.
I'm sorry I overreacted like that.
It's just, my sister's really uptight, and she thinks that I'm an irresponsible, career-oriented slut.
I don't think you're career-oriented.
I know, but she's a stay-at-home mom.
She's really conservative and overprotective.
She didn't speak to me for a year after I sort of accidentally taught Jake the "F" word.
Then she told me how it happened.
Want to see? Don't worry, I'll replace the naughty part.
Oh! Oh, oh.
(groans) Darn it.
Ow! Ow, ooh.
Shoot! Ow! Jiminy Christmas! (sighs) Jakey, honey, could you hand me a Fudge.
.
ing nail? Jake's visit is my chance to prove to my sister that I'm responsible.
If I mess up, she will never talk to me again.
But she'll talk about me to my mother, my aunt, our minister, Jesus, and she will get them all to hate me.
Let's eat tacos.
Who the Fudge are you?! That's your nephew, Jake.
No, it's not.
Kid, what's your name? Jake.
See? That's not my nephew.
Sure, it is.
Andy, don't fight me on this.
Okay, but you got to admit it looks a lot like him.
How could you let this happen? I don't know.
I went down to the soccer field.
I yelled Jake, and he got in the car.
I gave him some candy, and we drove off.
What were you thinking? You had candy.
I like candy.
I'm going to go to the park and see if I can find Jake.
You find out where this kid lives and take him home.
Can we have tacos first? No, you can't have tacos! I don't even know who you are anymore.
Okay, you can have a couple for the ride.
When I returned Fake Jake to his parents, I was happy to see they had brought the real Jake home with them.
At first I was afraid that Fake Jake's parents might be a little angry with me.
Come on, honey, get him! Get him! Oh.
Oh! Hit him.
Oh! Ow! Harder! But actually, I got lucky.
The dad had already passed out drunk and the mom was so obese that she was bedridden and couldn't have been happier to see a bag of tacos.
So I called Jessica and told her everything was fine and to pick up Jake at my place.
Jenga! (laughs) That was fun! Look at me, playing Jenga.
And this time, I'm 100% certain that I have the right child.
Now, you're the one with an Aunt Jessica, right? Yeah.
Okay.
The next day, I popped my head into Jessica's office to see if she was still mad.
Good morning, Sunshine.
Are we okay? (groaning): Oh! I just want you to know I spent an hour on the phone last night convincing my sister I'm not completely irresponsible.
Ultimately, I failed.
Well, I can kind of see her point.
I mean, you did lose her son.
Although, technically some of that is my fault.
You know what that kid could use? A huge, distinguishing scar.
That would have really helped out yesterday.
Maybe one of those metal claw hands? Well, I'm off.
Hey, Jake.
(eerily): Jenga.
What? Isn't that what you say when you win a game? Yeah, but only when you're playing that particular game and even then, you don't want to say it all creepy like that.
Jenga.
What's with you? I don't know.
What's with you and Marilu Henner? What? Last night when you were in the bathroom, like, forever I was bored.
So I started looking around and I found a tape of you and her.
That's impossible.
That tape doesn't exist.
Andy, I took it home.
And after Aunt Jessica went to bed, I looked at it.
All right, there is a tape, but it's sexual in nature, so I can't show it to you.
But here's me watching it.
ANDY: This doesn't feel right, Marilu.
Shut up.
I'll tell you what feels right.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ow! I set the camera up to interview her for my college film society.
One thing lead to another and well, let's just say she always wanted to direct.
Come on, smile at the camera.
Do it! I'm trying to smile, but I'm scared.
You're not scared, you're weak! You're probably wondering why I kept the tape.
Well, sex with a celebrity is still sex with a celebrity.
Jake, when a man and woman love each other Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that speech, and this wasn't that.
You know what? I'm going to show that tape to my mom.
Why? Is she a big fan of Ms.
Henner's? 'Cause I could probably get her an autographed photo.
I'm also thinking I might post it on the Internet, starting with an e-mail to everybody you work with.
Why are you doing this? What are they teaching you at that soccer camp? I'll give you your tape back but only if you let me fly around in one of those jetpacks.
Well, I can't do that.
Sure you can.
I saw you do a lot of things I never thought a person could do.
And now the whole world will see it, too.
Oh, man.
I like that other Jake a lot more than I like you.
How am I going to get that tape back from Jake? This place is never going to give me a jetpack.
And they shouldn't! I mean, look at me-- I'm ready to give it to a kid! How does it feel being outsmarted by a child? Let me guess-- familiar? Take a hike, Skeletor.
Oh, cheer up.
This tape could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
You finally have proof that you fornicated with something you didn't pay for or inflate.
I told Keith and Byron about my problem and they cut right to the heart of it.
So, you bagged Marilu Henner? Yes, and it was hot and steamy and everything that fan-on-celebrity sex should be.
Except for the part where she made me bark like a dog.
And not a big strong dog either-- a yappy little rat dog! Okay, the Marilu Henner? It-It wasn't one of those Marilu Henner impersonators, was it? Because those guys do not do her justice.
It was really her.
Guys, if Jessica finds out that Jake saw that tape, she is going to kill me.
Not to mention (Andy yipping like a dog) I got to get Jake a jetpack.
It's in the basement.
Really? The basement? They have them in this building? They've got a lot of things in this building you don't know about-- things you don't want to know about.
I know there's a gym.
Look, will you get off me about that? I signed up.
But you never go.
I'm busy! You're not that busy.
Guys, we're talking about a jetpack.
KEITH: Don't worry.
I know the guy who runs the storageroom.
He can get you one.
Really? Well, that's great! How come you always know a guy? 'Cause I go to the gym.
All right, I'll go to the gym, but the important thing now is that Jessica can never find out about this.
What? What?! What?! You promised my nephew a ride on a jetpack?! That's crazy! Who told you that? My nephew.
He told me all about it.
Well, I think you ought to punish him for stealing that tape.
What tape? What? Andy! Then I explained the whole thing leaving out the really humiliating parts.
Jessica was really mad.
It looked a little like this.
Actually, it wasn't that bad.
I can't be mad at you.
You're adorable! Look at that puss.
Stop it.
Okay, the truth was somewhere in between.
He's a 12-year-old kid.
If my sister finds out he saw a sex tape, she will beat me to death with one of her precious Bibles.
Well, I say we knock him around until he gives it back.
So, your plan is lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up? That's the Chicago way.
I will go and talk to Jake, and I will get the tape back.
He owes me.
After all, I am the one that taught him the "F" word.
Jakey! (manly voice): Jake of all trades! No.
Who's next? I'll speak to him.
I've been sensing a bit of a crush, and I don't want to brag, but little boys thank Heaven for me.
Hey, Jake.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Your gay nephew won't budge.
(sighs) Come on.
Is it that crazy to let this kid go up in a jetpack? I don't know, Andy.
Is it that crazy to expect you to hide your homemade porn somewhere other than in your VCR? I didn't hide it in the VCR.
I hid it in the crisper drawer.
And what kind of twisted 12-year-old goes looking for salad? That's the bigger question.
Look, can we stop blaming each other for something that's obviously your fault? Agreed.
Is there any possible way that Jake could do this jetpack thing safely? Or, so dangerously that it kills us all? I know one of the test pilots the company uses.
I could get him to take the little brat up with him, go up 20, 30 feet, come back down.
No problem.
Sounds like a good idea, except the part where he comes back down.
ANDY: What do you say, Jessica? He'd be with a professional, and we have no other options.
Sure.
Although that's the same argument you made when you were trying to talk me into getting a prostitute for Byron's birthday.
Cashmere was a prostitute? This is the Pickering Industries Proving Grounds where they test all their military hardware.
Oh, wait, wait, I should have told you like this: Hang on, this will be even better.
Come on.
Strap this thing on me, and let's fly.
I wish he'd stop quoting from that tape.
Jake, you're not going up alone.
We're waiting for the test pilot.
How high can this thing go? It's got a ceiling of 480 feet.
Although if you drop from that height, you go an extra eight feet into the ground.
ANDY: Maybe we should put out some gym mats or pile up some leaves or something.
Or at least get a video camera so we can make some money off this disaster.
Look, there's our guy.
(dramatic music plays) If John Wayne and the Statue of Liberty had a son, he'd be it.
(dramatic music continues) (music winds down then stops) Hey, wait a minute, you're not Jerry.
Where's my friend Jerry? He said he was going to help us out.
Your friend Jerry's on a training mission.
I'm his father.
But you're still a test pilot, right? Retired, but don't worry, I'm fully certified.
As a matter of fact, I'm the only guy who's ever flown one of these babies in actual combat.
These were used in combat? Not anymore.
Here's a tip: never hover 50 feet over a battlefield, unarmed wearing a silver jumpsuit.
I spent seven years in a bamboo cage with that little mistake.
Oh, God.
(groans) Ow, my back! Are you okay? Oh, my god, that's painful.
What are you going to do? Sorry, Jake.
No way.
I'm going to tell my mom about that tape.
(scoffs) That's it.
I'll take him up.
You don't know how to fly this thing.
The hell I don't.
I wrote the new manual for it.
Well, most of it.
Did I mention I'm going to need another week? It's okay, kids.
I'm going to be fine.
Next stop, the sky.
Well, I'm not going to let Jake to go up there with you.
Jessica, I can do this.
Oh, wow! That is a lot heavier than I thought it was.
Andy, take that thing off right now.
Oh, God, now she's quoting the tape.
I'm serious! Take it off.
(grunting) Sorry.
(yelling) (sobbing) I'm flying! Along the ground! (screaming) Are you still mad at me? My sister's picking Jake up in ten minutes, which means I'm ten minutes and five seconds away from her never speaking to me again.
But look what I got to make it all better.
I was going to get you a mink coat, but they're so inhumane, so I got you this Members Only jacket instead.
And a bottle of scotch.
Great.
So if I drink all of this I might accidentally put on this.
You're welcome.
Okay, new deal.
I'll forget everything if you let me drive a submarine.
What? I want to drive a submarine.
Well, a submarine's out of the question! But what about concert tickets? A new bike? A jacket from a very exclusive club? Enough, Jessica.
We've taken enough from this little crap weasel.
You go ahead and plaster that tape all over the Internet.
I'll be totally humiliated, but I don't care anymore.
Someone has got to teach you the lesson that most of the time blackmail is wrong.
I agree.
I'm done jumping through hoops for you.
If you want to show your mother that tape, you go right ahead.
Fine, I will.
No, you won't! Give me that tape, you little bastard! Ow! Ow! I won't give it to you! I won't give it to you! It has to be in here somewhere.
Ah, here it is! Ha! I bet he's got some money.
JESSICA: Yeah! (sinister chuckling) Mom! Jessica? Oh Fudge.