Arrested Development s02e09 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth was working at home when his son made a curious request.
Dad, would anyone miss this Peter and the Wolf read-along record? No.
I think that's part of the model home decorations.
Why? You're right.
My girlfriend Ann wants to have a Christian music bonfire here.
That sounds like some mild fun.
I think we've got some Christmas music.
Oh, no.
It's not- It's not a "Christian music" bonfire.
It's a Christian "music bonfire.
" You know, we burn all satanic music.
The thing is, though, the only music I have is either instructional or humor.
He'd been particularly fond of a CD of something called TheJerky Boys.
Hello.
Hey, nitz.
Hey, jerky.
I wanna buy a house, Dad.
- It's gotta be big.
- You said "Dad," buddy.
Shut up, jerky.
Hey, George Michael.
Jesus called.
He wants your Thriller album.
Yeah, I don't think the bonfire is such a great idea.
I know it might be weird, but Ann's my girlfriend so I think I'll go buy some albums today.
Hey, can you cover for me at the banana stand if l- - No.
- I'll cover for you, pal.
It's been a long time since I've been down at that banana stand.
Oh, okay.
Good.
It's the only way we're ever gonna get it air-conditioned.
Michael! How would you like me to owe you a favor? I want you to bid on me at the charity auction this year.
Okay.
Now I'd like to use up my favor and decline.
And isn't that Buster's annual job? Yes, but I can't have a replay of last year.
When Buster inadvertently bid on Lucille 2.
- $10,000! - Buster.
And you're embarrassed to have Oscar bid on you.
With his two pair of pants? You bet.
Oh, hi, Mom.
I have the afternoon free.
Really? Did nothing cancel? All right.
I need to borrow a fur.
I thought you were antifur, Lindsay.
Weren't you protesting some hunter gun thing yesterday? I stopped by.
I hadn't chosen a side.
which follows all the rules.
- Murderers! You're all murderers! There are plenty of rules about guns already on the books.
- Murderers! You're not allowed to sell a gun to a kid.
- You're not even allowed to fire your gun in the air- - Is that Frank Wrench? On the Fourth ofJuly.
In fact, it was People's Choice nominated actor Moses Taylor famous for his portrayal of the rule-abiding detective- - Stop sign.
- Frank Wrench star of the television show Wrench.
Well, that's one rule I'm not gonna follow.
- Aah.
- That's the Second Amendment.
Read it.
What do you need with one of Mom's furs? - I'm cold.
- So am I.
- No.
- All right, look.
I met Moses Taylor.
We're having a date in the park tomorrow.
Try to get him to bid on you at the auction tomorrow, because Michael can't.
He's bidding on Mother.
Except that I'm not.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go work in the banana stand.
And I'm gonna see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts.
I was trying to be sexy.
It just got away from me.
It's bachelorette season in Newport Beach, and some lovely ladies are up for auction.
Plus, another wolf sighting in the park.
What that means for your weekend- Bad news, Michael.
I'm afraid the Blue Man Group and I have parted ways.
Seems I'm officially no longer a standby understudy.
- "Cease and desist.
" - Seems they don't appreciate competition.
Tobias had recently taken out an ad in a trade magazine for a one-man show.
And the worst part is Lindsay's out there chasing some successful actor.
Television's Frank Wrench.
I need to prove to her that I'm not just a man, but a man's man.
I think she knows that.
Jesus! It's the wolf! That is the wolf! The wolf is upstairs! I think it's just my son's Peter and the Wolf record.
I thought that was a Homefill.
Michael went to check on his fugitive father - who was living in the attic.
- You heard my call? Have you been doing that all over town? Because people think there's a wolf on the loose.
Yes, there is a wolf on the loose.
His name is Oscar.
Tell me he's not gonna be bidding on your mother at that charity auction with my money.
Is that why you called me up here, Dad? Because you are a fugitive, and as far as she knows, you're in another country.
It's driving me crazy.
They're parading in public.
My back is-is- it's in knots.
I haven't had a massage since prison.
Hope that was forced.
But then I found a way to fix my back in this old catalog.
Look at this hot tub.
I could use it for so many things.
It could be my, you know, water supply.
And those, uh, premade boil-in-bag meals- You just toss those in there.
- You're not getting a hot tub.
- Come on.
Please! Dad, please.
We can't afford that.
We're in this mess because of you.
I'm working at the banana stand just so we don't lose a shift.
- But- - We're done pampering ourselves in this family.
Yeah, I would like the biggest air-conditioner you've got.
No, no, not tomorrow.
I need- I need it today.
I'm not here tomorrow.
Just then, Michael ran into a woman whom he hadn't seen in years.
- Michael? - Sally Sitwell.
Michael had always been in love with Sally Sitwell.
- We could steal a golf cart.
- No, they keep 'em locked up.
- I know, 'cause I have a key.
- I'll go get my sweater.
Oh, so you wanna use the key.
But his father had a longtime competition with her father.
It looks like my boy is gonna be sticking it to your daughter, Sitwell.
Stick it to her.
Stick it to her.
As a result, Michael was awkward around her.
Should we go or stick around? No, we're not gonna be sticking anything.
Not-Not gonna stick a thing.
Since then, he'd always been eager to show her that he'd become a man.
- Are you still working here? - No, no, no.
Filling in for my son.
Michael, and- Wow.
- Sally Stickwell.
- Right.
Because the guys wanted to stick it to me.
- What? No.
- I never- - Michael used to say that.
- No, I didn't.
- You said other stuff.
- I absolutely did not say that.
- Man, he loved you.
- So, Gob, tell me- are you still doing your little tricks? Do you consider this to be a little trick? Oh.
Did you just squirt me with something? It's lighter fluid.
Didn't put in a new flint.
But still, where did the lighter fluid come from? - That's- great.
- Michael, maybe I'll see you over at the club.
We never really took that cart ride, did we? And we never will, 'cause I'm not there.
- Nor am I here.
I mean, I'm here today.
- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Smooth, Michael like her father's head, chest, arms, legs and ass.
- What are you talkin' about? - He's hairless, Michael.
It's a condition.
I hate the guy, but at least he's got- Satiny and smooth probably.
I'm just different than you, Gob.
I'm not gonna siphon gas out of some girl's car like you used to in high school just so you can show up and say, "Car troubles?" It's called taking advantage.
It's what gets you ahead in life.
Like you did with our biggest shareholder, Lucille Austero.
That was a one-time thing, Michael.
It's over.
It was far from over.
- Shall I put the Posturepedic in the down position? - Elevate the knees this time.
You just let Sally Sitwell slip away right when she was ready to go.
- You were scared.
- What are you talking about? Come on.
You gonna get off and do your little dance too? No, l-I hurt my ankle yesterday shooting hoops or something.
Oh, God.
My ankle.
- Don't move.
Let me- - No, no, no.
It's bad.
- Mother! Mother! - Buster, it hurts.
Michael decided that perhaps he should go after Sally.
Have you seen my other pair of pants? Lupe washed them, and they sprouted.
I threw them out.
Well, that puts a lot of pressure on this pair.
I think this one's good.
Looks like it would've put up a fight.
- I put up one to get it.
- As long as it gets Frank Wrench to bid on me.
- It won't.
- Hey, Mom.
I need to borrow your country club card.
There's a friend I have that has lunch there often I'd like to run into.
Sounds like you're asking for a favor.
- I know what that's gonna cost me.
I'm willing to bid on you.
- I'll give you the money.
Start at five grand.
If there are other bidders, back off gracefully.
Shout out, "I get her 364 days a year for free!" or something.
You're not gonna hear that phrase.
Soon, Tobias came across a flyer that promised to improve both his masculine self-image and his financial standing.
They're literally blue, not sad.
Meanwhile, Michael went to have his accidental encounter with Sally - but had forgotten about the club's dress code for lunch.
- We have a dress code.
I can't wear this.
I look like I'm 16.
- Michael? - Oh, no.
- Hello, Michael.
- Stan.
- Hello, Sally.
- Hi.
So, are you meeting someone here for lunch? No.
I was going to, then they canceled.
So I'm gonna take off.
- No.
Just join us, please.
- Michael knew he couldn't say no - but he also knew he couldn't flirt in front ofher father.
- Let's do it.
And at another table, Gob was being taken out to lunch.
Read me the appetizers again.
Fried cheese with club sauce.
Popcorn shrimp with club sauce.
Chicken fingers- Oh, stop it.
You're making me dizzy.
With spicy club sauce.
No! I mean stop it.
- Gob? - Michael.
- Why don't you join us? - Oh, no.
- I'm just helping her eat.
- Oh, if you'd prefer privacy- What? No.
Are you kidding? I didn't even wanna have lunch with her in the first place.
I just- or- I ju- And so lunch continued with both Bluth boys trying to prove they weren't interested in the women they were interested in.
When I saw those golf carts, it kind of brought back some memories.
Did you have too much club sauce on your calamari? Gob, read me the desserts.
She p- probably forgot her old lady glasses.
What is the matter with you, Goby? I'm happy to read to the lovely lady.
An assortment of ice creams and sorbets.
- You all right with him reading to your girl? - Not my girl.
- Huh? - Why don't you read to your girl? Come on.
I don't have a girl.
No, thanks.
- Already taken care of.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- I'm sorry.
Apparently there's been some increased activity on your card.
It's been declined.
In fact, the increased activity on Michael's card was his father's.
You think a hot tub is the best thing for someone with your condition? I can't see, but, uh, I didn't know there was a doctor installing this.
Somebody order a case of Bag & Boil frozen dinners? - I'm happy to get this.
- No, no.
No, please, Stan.
I'll do it.
Um- Can you put this on my mother's card? Your mother? No.
No, no, no.
She's a pool member only.
You'll excuse me if my tone is not polite but this is more polite than she has ever talked to me.
Michael had a feeling why his credit card had been rejected.
What the hell did you do? I overdid it.
Oh, it's so hot.
Michael's father had just installed a hot tub in the attic.
- What happened to you? - I tried to drink some of the water and it was too hot, and it tasted like soy sauce.
I think the teriyaki chicken burst.
That's why people typically don't cook in these things or install them in attics.
You gotta get it out of here, Mikey.
My eyes, they're burning.
Wanna thank you for charging it to my credit card.
You made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell.
- Did you stick it to her? - No, I didn't.
You screwed that up, just like you screwed up this hot tub.
Is that veal Marsala stuck in the intake? They all look so good on the boxes.
You know, it's good you backed off Sally.
I don't need that guy saying his daughter's sticking it to my loser son.
You know something? The reason I never went after her is because you're always pushing me.
But now that I know that I don't have your approval, l-I think that, uh I think that I'll finally go for it.
This isn't turning into the party hangout I hoped.
- Hey.
- Hey, I thought I heard something before like a wolf drowning or something.
I think that that was maybe the house settling.
Speaking of settling, how's Ann? I mean, have you- have you settled on an artist's work to burn? - I was thinking Eminem for a while.
- Sure.
But everyone is gonna be burning Eminem.
So, you know- And then I got this Pat Boone album, but the guy is Christian.
But, you know, I don't know.
Somebody's gotta burn, right? - Well, I guess.
- Right.
- Hey.
- Oh, boy.
I got some looks on the bus 'cause of this.
What are you doing with that thing? I am going to catch that wolf, Michael.
I'm gonna shoot it with this tranquilizer gun get the reward, and bid on my woman at the charity auction.
Isn't there some kind of a waiting period for a rifle like that? It turns out there is.
Two weeks? Isn't there a loophole? There is a gun show loophole.
What timing, huh? I mean, right out back they were having one.
Gob, I'm going hunting for my wife.
How lame was Lucille 2 at lunch, huh? You've gotten attached, haven't you? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you? Come on.
I'm not one to judge.
Every time I've gone out with Sally, I've looked like I'm 12 years old.
But, yes, I probably will tell people about this.
Maybe we can strike up a deal.
You keep this to yourself, I help you get Sally.
Siphon a little something from her car you show up in the Corvette, looking like a man.
Car troubles? Probably shouldn't do the fireball when you siphon the gas.
I guess this flint's still got a little life left in it, huh? Lindsay, meanwhile, was waiting in the park for her date with Moses Taylor.
Sorry I'm late.
Fans.
Sometimes it takes a while to jar their memories.
Nice fur.
You know, there are some nuts out there who'd wanna throw red paint all over you.
Wait a minute.
I think there's one right over there.
- Oh, my God.
You're- - Someone needs to read this.
And that's when Lindsay's heel went out.
- I got him.
- False alarm.
Crap.
- I'm being saved by Frank Wrench.
- No, you're not.
- Frank Wrench.
- Shut up.
But, unbeknownst to Lindsay and Tobias- - Oh, shoot.
- Oh, great.
- the actor who played Frank Wrench wasn't saving her but was just trying to distance himself from the outlandish "Moses Taylor Hunts People"scandal that had been started by a rabid anti-gun fanatic.
And that night, Michael went to help Sally with the car problems Gob had created.
What the hell? Only to find out things had gotten out ofhand for Gob.
Michael did look heroic as he went to put out the fire.
Unfortunately, Sally arrived too late to see him that way.
God, what happened? Car trouble.
Gob had just blown up a car.
The next thing I know, I'm running for my life.
And all I could think was, if something were to ever happen to me how sad I'd be, you know? What you did to me at lunch today- You were ashamed to be with me.
No! I was ashamed to be seen with you.
I like being with you.
I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
How can you say that? Shh.
I thought I heard my mom.
How can you say that? - And on the other side of the wall- - Michael? Lucille was finalizing her plans for the evening.
You can bid up to 10,000.
The deal is off.
You didn't tell me it was a restricted membership.
Find somebody else to do your bidding.
There is no one else.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- They said I could see you finally.
- Yes.
God, I just feel awful for whoever's car that was.
Mm-hmm.
I know it.
Sally, I was thinking that maybe you and I could- Don't try to talk.
I have to run anyway.
I gotta do this charity auction thing.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your Blue Cross Blue Shield was denied.
We've called your mother.
I'll be back.
I'll check on you later.
Feel better.
Go out sometime.
Michael decided to bid on her at the auction and he knewjust where he could get the money to do so.
Yeah.
Start draining the hot tub.
It's going back.
And Lucille, with no other prospects turned to the son she least expected to support her.
Gob, I don't suppose I could pay you to bid on me at a charity auction.
And Gob was just depressed enough to do so.
- Whatever you want.
- Oh, goody.
And finally, George Michael and Ann's Christian music bonfire was under way.
- Without ever going to the gym.
- I can't believe how many people you told about this.
Yeah, I hope I didn't confuse people by saying it was a CD burning party.
Great party! Maeby, I burned like 10 CD's from somebody's MP3 player.
This is a disaster.
Maybe you shouldjust try listening to some of the music.
Yeah, some of the artists are kind of talented.
I don't know if you've heard ofThe Jerky Boys.
They do prank phone calls.
It's kind of old school, but- I have the tape in my room.
I accidentally didn't burn it yet.
- Meanwhile, the auction began.
- Next up we've got last year's charity case, Lindsay Fünke.
- Lindsay showed up- - Oh, no.
Not again.
although she was still feeling the effects of the tranquilizer.
- Hundred dollars, folks? - Stick a wrench in me.
I'm done.
- Anybody got 50? - My wife is humiliated.
This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.
You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.
I haven't been the perfect husband.
Yes, I admit that.
- Twenty? But now is my chance to be a hero.
- Please, Michael, give me some of your money.
- Ten? - Does anybody have 10? - I've got $5,000, and I need that for Sally - but if you wanna make a low bid- - Five thousand dollars.
For that? Sold.
I think you overpaid.
George Michael's prospects were also improving - as the two made prank phone calls together.
- Let me try.
- Hey, rubberneck.
- Ann could you and George Michael please call someone else for a little while? - He knows it was us.
- What? We finally got a good one comin'up.
Sally Sitwell.
What do I hear? - Five hundred dollars.
- You're not bidding? I was hoping you would.
- Six hundred! - You were? You're a good kid.
You always have been.
Not like that showboat of a father of yours, if you don't mind me saying.
- Seven hundred! - I've called him so much worse.
The truth is, sir, I am interested but I don't have the money to buy your daughter.
- You sure do drive a nice car.
- Eight hundred.
And I need one.
Mine got torched today.
One thousand! Drop it off when you drop my daughter off tonight.
And finally, with both the approval of Sally's father and the lack of approval ofhis own, Michael was ready to make his move.
- 15,000.
- What? - Wow.
- Yeah.
I gotta tell ya.
This puts a lot of pressure on me.
- It's for a good cause.
- I heard it was to reseed the greens.
Gonna be a lot of shifts for you at the banana stand, huh? I should be honest with you.
I don't have that much money - and I sold the Corvette to cover it.
- That's quick.
To who? - Your father, as a matter of fact.
- My father? - Yeah.
- My father can't drive a convertible.
Mind if I open it up? Wow! - Got some pickup.
- This is just like him.
He always interferes with everyone I date.
Well, you can tell him to give you your car back.
- But I bought you.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not like you.
I'd almost rather date someone my father doesn't approve of.
Thanks anyway.
That-That-That is like me.
That's exactly like me! And soon it was time for Gob to bid on his mother.
Not all bad.
The only one bidding on Lucille 2 is that hairless Sitwell.
Seven right there.
Eight.
- Sitwell's bidding on Lucille 2? - Nine.
First he fires me, then he steals my- - Going once- - mother's best friend.
Going twice.
Nine going twice.
- $10,000.
- Oh, how grand.
Sold.
Up from $800 to $ 10,000.
Wow.
You guys really want a new golf course.
And all from nonmembers.
On the next Arrested Development.
George Sr.
Shows up to bid on Lucille.
But the sound ofhis wolf call and the smell of chicken teriyaki interfere.
No, no, no, no.
No.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.