Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) s02e09 Episode Script

1 [screaming.]
I got a plan for Baal.
I'm going to find him, take my chainsaw, shove it right up his ass.
- [screaming.]
- PABLO: The book, it did something to me.
It feels like something inside of me that's trying to come out.
Pablo, you're our only hope of stopping Baal.
Hey, quit fucking around.
Find the spell we need to send this asshole home.
- [chanting in Sumerian.]
- [Baal shrieking.]
[continues chanting in Sumerian.]
- [roaring.]
- [all yelling.]
[shrieking.]
- [all gasping.]
- [Ash laughing.]
- You slayed that shit.
- ASH: You did it, Pablo! - [slicing.]
- [gasps.]
- [pop ballad plays on radio.]
- [tires screeching.]
- [smashing.]
- [cat meowing.]
Oh, I just died in your arms [with slurred speech.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know what you're all saying.
Ash Williams, saved everybody.
Yep, probably going to have a statue made, and a parade in my honor.
You know what? [crying.]
I'd give it all up, just to have my little Mexican buddy back.
Oh, my, my Honduran-Mexican buddy back.
Here's to you.
Oh, yeah.
- [Ash gulping.]
- [ballad continues.]
[bottle clattering.]
[Ash belching.]
Nothing helps, does it? Of course, you don't answer.
Whoops.
[chuckles.]
Because you're dead! - [tires screeching.]
- [man vocalizing.]
I just died in your arms tonight This is bullshit.
- Pablo didn't have to die.
- [can opening.]
- I should've saved him.
- You couldn't have.
It was the only way.
Everybody dies.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
Pablo's entire lifespan measured about a second, - compared to yours.
- Didn't he make that second count? In defeating Baal, he achieved more than I did in thousands of years.
- [tires screeching.]
- [ballad continues.]
Oh man, you can really taste the angel dust.
[exhaling.]
Ah, but no matter how baked I get, you're still gone, buddy.
Man, I wish I could just go back in time, and undo all this.
PABLO: So just do it.
[suspenseful music playing.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
"Do it?" Do what? If you could go back in time, and change one moment in your life, what would it be? Oh, no brainer.
The moment I picked up the stupid book at the cabin.
So just change it.
Make sure you never, ever pick up that book.
Like ever.
[laughing.]
That's a good one.
How? Do exactly what you said.
Go back in time, and undo all this.
Of course! I've done it before.
- I went to the Middle Ages.
- [echoing.]
Yeah.
And I can go back in time, change history, fix all this, and you'll be alive again, Pablo.
- [tires screeching.]
- [horn honking.]
Get in the car! Okay, I need you to read this, right now.
Absolutely not.
- Too risky.
- Read it.
Ash, even if it works, we could damage so much more than we can fix.
Hey guys, can you stop speaking in code, and tell me what the fuck you're talking about? I'll do you one better.
I'll show you.
- [engine revving.]
- [tires screeching.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
Ash, you're upset.
You should not be behind the wheel of a car.
Yes, I'm upset.
ASH: Yes, I'm behind the wheel.
Yes, I'm drunk.
And maybe my license isn't the fancy kind from the DMV.
But at least I'm drunk! Now you better read that spell right now, or we're all going to meet Pablo! [tires screeching.]
- [Kelly groans.]
- [engine revving.]
Ash, stop the fucking car! Just do what he says! He's thinking even less than usual! [Ruby chanting in Sumerian.]
She's doing it! Stop the fucking car! She's reading it! Not until she's done! - [Ruby continues chanting.]
- [Kelly grunting.]
Linda, I'm going to fix everything, and come back for you! [engine revving.]
Hey, if Linda didn't hear that, could someone please tell her?! - [suspenseful music playing.]
- [engine revs.]
[Ruby chanting, yelling in Sumerian.]
[both yelling.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
- [Ruby yelling in Sumerian.]
- [Kelly screaming.]
- [tires screeching.]
- [all panting.]
[Ash chuckling.]
- [rock music playing.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
Car wash! What the actual fuck? Welcome to the 80s, kid.
We're in the 80s? - [indistinct chatter.]
- KELLY: As in the 1980s? 1982.
Come on, Kelly.
Keep up.
But how? There are infinite timelines, and always a primary "present" you, which remains constant, but the Necronomicon - Boring.
- I'd like the explanation.
Okay look, if young me never reads from that book, then evil will not plague my life, and Pablo will be alive again.
That's all you have to understand.
- He's right.
- Course I am.
Wait a minute.
My dad's around here.
I got to see the old bird.
Don't you dare.
That kind of interaction could cause profound causality paradoxes.
Think about it.
I know the sports scores for 30 years.
- No.
- Jeez.
Okay, so, now that we've time travelled, we just go back to the cabin to snatch the book before young Ash can read from it.
And that's all we do.
Got it? I'm just saying this is the year the Lions got in the playoffs with a losing record.
We can make some serious scratch.
BOTH: No.
ASH: [grumbling.]
Wow.
Wh-where, where - Oh.
- How-how [chuckling.]
Don't worry about it, pal.
Here you go.
That'll help you forget that you just saw a car drive through a time portal from the future.
No, no, I can't drink.
- My family has a history - ASH: Come on.
One little nip.
Your life will be exactly the same.
Come on.
Let's change history.
Ha! [eerie music playing.]
Don't stop believin' Come on.
Come on.
Out of the way, Safety Boy! - [horn honking.]
- Whoa! - Hey! - Streetlights - [Ash laughing.]
- People [gulps.]
Don't stop believin' Hold on Streetlights People Don't stop [squishing.]
[Ash grunts.]
Now don't you worry, my little burrito.
You'll be safe in this trunk while we change history, and bring you back to life.
Kelly, got the letter I wrote? "Don't panic.
It's 1982.
"We're in the cabin.
"If your" no apostrophe "reading this, you're not dead.
"P.
S.
, you were dead.
" Perfect.
- All right.
- Dude, how are you smiling? - Pablo's dead.
- Because this is temporary.
Because I came up with a sweet plan to get him back? As sweet as your plan that got him killed in the first place? Hey, that plan worked.
- [gun cocking.]
- We defeated Baal.
And this plan's going to [rumbling.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [growling.]
[speaking softly.]
No.
No.
I haven't been to the cabin yet.
- [rustling.]
- I haven't read from the book.
This can't be happening.
Apparently it can.
[rustling grows louder.]
Run! [Ash and Kelly grunting.]
[loud growling.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [grunting continues.]
[yelling.]
[groaning.]
[loud growling.]
- [grunts.]
- [snarling.]
[groaning, panting.]
- [loud shrieking.]
- [banging.]
- [wind howling.]
- [low growling.]
[shrieking.]
[chair creaking.]
[wind howling outside.]
[faint creaking.]
[sighing, laughing.]
Still got it.
- [splintering.]
- [yelling.]
Oh, hell.
[groaning.]
[heavy breathing.]
My evil mistress in the woods.
This is going to be our last tango.
And this time, you're going to follow my lead, biotch.
Okay, book, book, book.
Who's got the Wait a minute.
I thought it was here.
[faint growling.]
Or did I find it in the cellar? With Scott? [gasping.]
[laughing.]
Oh! Oh, you.
[exhales deeply.]
Okay, Ash.
It's just a stupid nail.
Stay focused.
I'm checking you last.
KELLY: Ash! [eerie music playing.]
I swear, he's like a superhero, whose special power is "ruining everything.
" As much as it pains me to say it, he's proven himself to be inexplicably "effective.
" I'm guessing that English is your second or third language next to Sumerian, or she-devil or whatever but that's not effectiveness.
It's called dumb luck.
- [rustling.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
[groaning.]
[crackling, growling.]
Oh.
Oh.
[grunting, panting.]
- [ding.]
- [buzzing.]
[groans.]
There's got to be a better way.
Yeah.
Kind of like an evil snake bite.
- [yelling.]
- [cracking.]
Oh.
[exhales.]
[slurping, gagging.]
Too salty.
[grunting, slurping continues.]
[high-pitched grunting, stomach growling.]
- [retching.]
- [grunting continues.]
- [high-pitched yelling.]
- [stomach growling.]
[gasping.]
- [retching.]
- [grunting continues.]
- [laughing.]
- [stomach growling.]
- [high-pitched laughing.]
- [grunting.]
Get out! [grunting.]
Ooh! [yelling, grunting.]
[yelling.]
- [high-pitched laughing.]
- Oh.
[grunting.]
Time to spice up your life, huh?! - [high-pitched grunting.]
- [sneezing.]
- [grunting.]
- You like it hot?! You like it hot?! - [high-pitched groaning.]
- [kettle whistling.]
- [shrieking.]
- [high-pitched shrieking.]
Ow! Soup's on! [grunting, screaming.]
[high-pitched screaming, stomach growling.]
[grunting.]
- [gasping.]
- [Deformed Demon screaming.]
- [screaming.]
- Whoa! Fuck you, Ash! Fuck you! Fuck you, motherfucker! - [Demon laughing maniacally.]
- Hey, little guy.
How do you like your eggs? - Scrambled?! - [yelling.]
Yeah.
- [pan clattering.]
- All right.
Who's next?! Who's next?! VOICE: [muffled.]
Hello? Is somebody out there? - [eerie music playing.]
- Please! Help me! Please! I'm trapped! [heavy breathing.]
- [rock music playing.]
- [chainsaw rumbling.]
[slurping.]
[door creaking.]
[low growling.]
Incredible.
We didn't even make it to the cabin before Ash's brilliant plan freaked the toaster.
You know once we destroy the book, you don't have to follow him anymore.
You can forge your own path.
Who says I'm not already forging? I make my own choices, okay? I could forge the shit out of my path, - if I wanted to.
- I don't doubt it.
- [twig snapping.]
- [Kelly grunts.]
Whoever's following us, come out now, or I start spraying! Let's keep going, huh? - [eerie music playing.]
- [stairs creaking.]
[door creaking, slamming.]
[gasping.]
[rattling.]
[metal clanging.]
[door creaking.]
- [chain clinking.]
- [woman sobbing.]
Who's there? Please.
Help.
Who is that? He's chained me up, and he won't let me go.
Who chained you up? I said who chained you up? My husband.
He's going to kill me.
[creaking.]
Oh, Jesus! Henrietta.
- [gasping.]
- [clinking.]
How do I know you? We've met before.
Uh actually, not yet.
Not for you, anyway.
Please let me go.
My husband, he's found some Book of the Dead, and I don't know, it's - changed him somehow.
- Where's the book now? I have no idea, I'm chained to the damn wall! - [clanging.]
- I can help you find it.
Please, let me go, before he kills us both.
There's a key there, on the table.
Please! How dare you.
Hiding inside a little old lady.
[Henrietta groaning.]
You must take me for a grade A chump! What are you doing? - [Henrietta wailing.]
- Listen up, cupcake.
I'm from the future, so all of your Deadite mumbo jumbo isn't new to me.
- [Henrietta stammering.]
- You can pop now, you can pop later, I don't give a rat's ass.
All I care about is that book, and you're going to tell me where it is, - right now! - Ow! [groaning.]
Stop! You're worse than my husband! - [Henrietta shrieks.]
- [Ash laughing.]
I can do this all day, sugar lips.
- [Henrietta gasps.]
- [car approaching.]
It's him.
[car doors closing.]
[door opening.]
Welcome to my cabin in the woods.
- It is.
- [door closing.]
It's really nice.
Looks like he's got a hot little number on the side, too.
Good for him.
- Uh, I mean, uh, men are such pigs.
- PROFESSOR KNOWBY: This can be yours.
He's going to torture her, just like he tortured me.
Professor Knowby, I can't thank you enough for the extra credit.
[chuckles.]
You're a good student.
You deserve it.
Now, your roommates aren't going to be worried about you, being away for the weekend? Oh, well, I live alone.
I had a cat, but it just ran away for absolutely no reason.
So, it's really just me.
More time to focus on your work.
- [chuckles.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
[gasping.]
- [chuckling nervously.]
- Uh, it's just the wind.
Now, before we start these translations, there's just something I need you to help me with.
Please, there's no time.
- The key! - No.
Not until I know where that book is.
- Now spill.
- Unlock me first.
Not a chance.
He always keeps it with him, so the book is here now.
Just let me go, and I'll show you! Please! I'm not whatever you think I am! [trap door opens, stairs creaking.]
Please don't let him hurt me again.
PROFESSOR KNOWBY: Down here.
- Down.
- TANYA: Down there? Right.
Gosh, it's cold.
PROFESSOR KNOWBY: You'll forgive the darkness.
And the dirt.
And the cobwebs.
[chuckles.]
Maybe we should head back upstairs? Where there's more light? Tanya, I'm sorry.
I fear I may have deceived you.
You're not really here to help me translate.
What do you mean, Professor? Wh-why am I here? For something much more important.
[eerie music playing.]
[heavy breathing.]
- What the fu - [clangs.]
Fuck! [gasps.]
- [Tanya screaming.]
- [Ash gasping.]
Fuck! Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.
- [wailing.]
- Does it hurt? Can I offer you some Ibuprofen? What?! Yes, it fucking hurts! - [shrieking.]
- [metal creaking.]
Truly, I can't apologize enough.
This really is my only option.
- [crunching.]
- [screaming.]
Jesus you were right.
Guy's a dick.
[speaking softly.]
And he's going to kill her too.
We need to stop him.
[Tanya sobbing.]
TANYA: Why are you doing this?! I have no choice.
On my last expedition, I found the Necronomicon.
I became obsessed with its power.
- [wailing.]
- [metal creaking.]
It called to me overtook me.
Please he's a monster.
So, I read from the book, and summoned the Kandarian Demon.
[clanging.]
It was magnificent.
PROFESSOR KNOWBY: Unlike anything I've ever seen.
[whispering.]
Okay, I got this.
Go hide.
[whispering.]
Okay.
Until it possessed my wife, Henrietta.
That's why she's chained up down here.
[suspenseful music playing.]
You got to be kidding me.
[clinking.]
Nothing else worked.
Maybe I can find a way to get the demon out of her, and into you.
- [Tanya whimpering.]
- [gasping.]
That lying old witch.
- [Deadite Henrietta cackling.]
- [Ash yelling.]
- [gasping.]
- Oh, no.
You brought us home a third! How naughty of you! [glass shattering.]
- [eerie breathing.]
- [Ruby gasping.]
What? The book, it's just been opened.
[leaves rustling, creaking.]
- [slithering.]
- [both grunting, yelling.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [wind howling.]
[both screaming.]
[Deadite Henrietta laughing maniacally.]
- [both grunting.]
- [gunshot.]
I'm going to stomp you a new mud hole to suck out your soul! I should've slapped you harder! [both yelling.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
[roaring.]
Ah! Ruby, help! [choking.]
[both yelling, grunting.]
- RUBY: Kelly! - [roars.]
- [panting.]
- Ha! - [gasping.]
- [Deadite Henrietta cackling.]
That chin of yours is an easy target! Yeah? Now it's my turn, jelly belly.
- [gunshot.]
- [cackling continues.]
- [Tanya gasping.]
- [Deadite Henrietta cackling.]
[Deadite Henrietta mocking.]
Help me! Please! Please! Can you get me out of here!? [Tanya panting, screaming.]
- [crunching.]
- [yelling.]
Help! Let go! [Ruby yelling.]
- [Kelly yelling.]
- [Demon Tree growling.]
Stab it in its eye! - [grunting.]
- [yelling.]
- [Ruby grunts, yelling.]
- [Demon Tree roaring.]
- [wind howling.]
- [screeching.]
[both panting.]
The good news is, now I can add "Demonic Tree" to the list of things that have tried to murder me since I met Ash.
Could have been worse.
Let's go find him.
- [Tanya shrieking.]
- [crunching.]
Okay! Hey, hey! Listen to me! Shouting is not going to loosen the trap.
You got to stop! - [panting.]
- [eerie music playing.]
Okay, thank you.
Now looks like you're stuck in there pretty good.
Good news is, if we have to amputate to get you out, I'm your guy.
[chuckling.]
It may not seem like it, but this is your lucky day.
My name is Ash Williams.
I'm a hero from the future.
I'm here to save the world from evil.
- Again.
- [cackling in distance.]
- [ripping.]
- [grunting.]
I'm Tanya.
I'm a student from Wisconsin.
I was here to help the professor with his book.
Stupid Necronomicon! - [crunching.]
- [screaming.]
Jeez, I'm sorry.
[yells.]
That thing has been a festering boil on my ass - for most of my adult life.
- [yelling continues.]
But it ends today.
Believe that.
- [metal creaking.]
- [Tanya continues screaming.]
- [eerie music playing.]
- [evil cackling.]
- [gasping.]
- [evil chuckling.]
- [stammering.]
- [groaning.]
Yep, working on it.
Give me a break, I got one hand! - Jesus! - [stomping grows louder.]
- [Deadite Henrietta roaring.]
- [Ash yelling.]
- [Ash grunting.]
- [Tanya screaming.]
Ash, stop! I can't! [in mocking tone.]
I can't! - [Ash grunting.]
- [Tanya screaming.]
Let go! I'm stuck! - Stuck! [growling.]
- Oh! [both yelling.]
[growls.]
Tanya, stop the Professor! - Don't let him take that book! - [wailing.]
- Bye-bye, dear.
- [buzzing.]
Let's have some fun! - Why wait? - [Deadite Henrietta grunting.]
- [Ash laughing.]
- [splattering.]
[Deadite Henrietta grunting.]
- Ah! - Huh?! [both yelling.]
You call that fun? - [whimpering.]
- [slamming.]
[gasping.]
Professor! Professor! Please! I'm sorry, Tanya.
Please! I'm not normally like this, I swear! Oh, you're a fucking asshole! - [slams.]
- [Tanya screaming.]
- [engine sputtering.]
- [Deadite Henrietta cackling.]
[grunting.]
[stomping grows louder.]
He's locked the door! [dramatic music playing.]
Knowby! You open this goddamn door! ASH: Get back here! - [cackling grows louder.]
- [Tanya panting.]
Boo! I see you! You're both dirty birds.
And I'm going to hurt you, real, real bad.
Let's get physical, physical I wanna get physical Let's get into physical Let me hear your body talk Your body talk, let me hear your body talk Let's get physical, physical I wanna get physical Let's get into physical Let me hear your body talk Your body talk, let me hear your body talk