Batman s02e09 Episode Script

The prisoner will stand.
Pamela Lillian Isley, District Attorney Van Dorn has asked that the maximum sentence of life imprisonment be imposed upon you.
As your apprehension came at the hands of the Batman and not a recognized agent of the law this court has no choice but to return you to Arkham Asylum where it is hoped you will complete your rehabilitation.
Hi, Red.
Hi.
Welcome home.
Hi, Harley.
Things didn't go too good, huh? - Nope.
- Well, cheer up.
Word is we're gonna throw a little party, and old Jervis here has the invitations.
Not only does Batman create these so-called super-criminals he takes it upon himself to be their judge and jury with no regard for the legal system.
It sounds like you want to put Batman on trial.
Believe me, I'd like nothing better.
- Strong words.
- It's got to stop, Jim.
As Gotham's new district attorney I can't allow your pet nut to run loose in my city.
- I mean it.
- Janet, it's a war zone out there and Batman is our best weapon.
And I say he's a drug the city keeps taking to avoid facing reality.
Speak of the devil.
The Eastside Skulls are ready to declare war on the other gangs.
Old news.
My department's already planning a sting to catch the Skulls' leader.
Don't bother.
Very cute, mister.
You want to support law and order, you take off that mask and put on a uniform.
You hear me, Batman? This is the last time.
The next time I see him, it will be a whole different story.
Hello, Bruce.
Janet, I'm so glad we're able to meet on such short notice.
It seems everyplace I look there's our crusading DA leading the campaign to rid our city of Batman.
Oh, please.
He's the last person I want to talk about tonight.
- Oh, sorry.
Still, even you have to admit Batman's come through now and then.
But look at the lunatic fringe he's created.
The Joker, Two-Face, Poison Ivy and the rest.
Batman's responsible for every one of them.
Excuse me, Ms.
Van Dorn but your office just called.
They said it's an emergency.
I'm sorry, Bruce.
I won't be a minute.
Take your time.
Excuse me, have you seen Ms.
Van Dorn? - Not in the last half-hour, sir.
- Look.
Must be trouble.
- Look at that.
- I've never seen that before.
It's Van Dorn's.
It was dropped on the front desk 20 minutes ago along with this.
"Batman, come alone to where lives hang in the balance or the law in Gotham dies.
" You there! Come into the light.
I said Oh, no, you don't.
Let me out.
Do you hear me? Whoever you are, let me out this second.
Welcome to Arkham, Van Dorn.
Two-Face.
Don't bother screaming for help.
The white coats can't hear you.
Matter of fact, they can't do much of anything, thanks to the Mad Hatter.
You're going to escape? Eventually.
We've got some legal business to settle first.
- What do you mean? - I'm talking about a trial.
Me, the prosecutor you, the defense.
And your client is Batman.
This is insane.
Me defending you? As far as I'm concerned, you belong in here with them.
Whatever.
You've gotta go through with it.
It's their game and their rules.
Let's go.
Move it.
Indeed.
Can't keep the judge waiting.
You've said it yourself, lady.
Batman made every one of us.
So we're placing him before the bar to face our justice.
And me? Basic 50-50 option.
You get him off.
You both go free.
He goes down you take the fall with him.
Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman's attorney? Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes but I lost the coin toss.
I borrowed your belt, Bats, but it doesn't do a thing for me.
Sit down.
Oh, yea.
Oh, yea.
He says, "Oh, yea," dirtbags.
Dummy up.
I gotta do everything for you.
Court is now in session.
The good people of Arkham Asylum versus the self-righteous vigilante called Batman.
Our prosecutor is ready.
Likewise, our fair and impartial jury.
- Hang him.
- Shoot him.
Hit him with a rock.
And now all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker.
Guilty.
I was promised a chance to defend my client.
Oh, very well.
Like it will make a difference.
Mr.
Prosecutor, make your opening statement.
Look at us.
We're all freaks and monsters.
And who made us this way? Batman.
Go on, lady.
Defend him if you can.
Call the first witness.
Yo, Hat.
On the stand.
Proceed, counselor.
I suppose you, like your friends claim that Batman drove you to be a criminal? He did.
And yet, as I recall your case you brainwashed and kidnapped a woman who rejected you.
Batman forced me to do it.
He was going to take her away from me.
I had no choice.
You could have respected her wishes and left her alone.
I'd have killed her first! I'd like that last statement stricken from the record, please.
Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down? This is crazy.
That's beside the point.
Just keep it going.
Looks like Batman's hunch was wrong.
There's no sign of him or Ms.
Van Dorn.
But he was here, all right.
I object to this witness.
She's obviously trying to influence the judge.
- What makes you say that? - Never mind.
Do you have a statement? I just wanna say, if there was no Batman there would be no Joker and I'd never have met my pudding.
Thank you, Batman.
Sad, isn't it? Harleen Quinzel was a doctor here at Arkham until the Joker twisted her mind.
You're just jealous because you don't have a fella who's as loving and loyal to you as my pudding is to me.
And I suppose it was that same loyalty I saw the last time you escaped, and Pudding here finked on you in hopes of getting time off.
Is that true, Pudding? "Finked" is such an ugly word.
You lousy scum-sucking creep! The witness is excused.
Slimy rat! Knock it off, lady.
I'll kick that grin off your silly face.
And so it's Batman's fault you lead a life of crime.
He should have let me bump off Harvey Dent.
We'd all have been better off, wouldn't we, Harv? Why, you rotten little But, Ms.
Isley isn't the real motivation for your crimes your obsession with plants? That you prefer them to people? I love plants, honey, but a rose is a rose.
Then it doesn't bother you when someone let's say the judge here, ruthlessly plucks a defenseless flower from the warm green earth? No.
Even knowing he's given it his death sentence? That its petals must die? - Stop it.
- One by one.
Withering, falling.
One by one, until it's all gone honey.
Miss Ivy, please.
You're beautiful when you're angry.
I used to believe Batman was responsible for you people but now I see nearly everyone here would've ended up exactly the same, Batman or not.
The gimmicks might be different.
But you'd all be out there in some form or another, bringing misery to Gotham.
The truth is, you created him.
It's working.
Looks like a tracking device.
It's pointing north.
The Sommerset District.
Nothing much out there except Arkham.
Jury, you've heard the evidence.
Consider your verdict.
Your honor, in light of Ms.
Van Dorn's stirring defense we have no choice but to find the defendant not guilty.
Amazing.
Well done, counselor.
You've proven that Batman didn't create us.
That we, in fact, messed up our own rotten lives.
And as we are so rotten, vile and depraved we're going to waste you anyway.
That's all, folks.
Let's mambo.
Help us.
Please.
Let me go.
Anything you say, Jannie-poo.
And now for the final confession the big secret you've kept from us for so many years.
Brothers and sisters, at long last, I give you the man behind the bat.
What? - What's going on? - He's gone.
Everyone, spread out.
Don't let him get away.
Who says I'm leaving? What's going on? Get the light.
Nobody panic.
Okay, start panicking.
The only way out is through me.
Hold on.
You'll hit Croc.
What's your point? Watch where you're shooting, clown.
I'm hit, boys.
Hold it.
Nobody move.
Look alive, Batman.
Here comes the judge.
Old "Hanging Judge" Joker, that's me.
I see now there's a need for the things you do.
But I'm still going to work toward a city that doesn't need Batman.
Me too.