Big Nate (2022) s02e09 Episode Script

[snoring]
So Annie Edson Taylor was,
like, the first person ever
to go over Niagara Falls
in a barrel and not die.
Whoo-hoo!
Haha!
Why would someone do that?
She thought she'd make money
off the publicity.
She was a teacher,
so she was, like, super broke.
[sips]
[groans]
Anyway, that's why I did
my International Women's Day
report on Annie Edson Taylor,
'cause I think it's,
like, totally amazing
- when somebody sets a record.
- [sighs]
[soft acoustic music]
[bell rings]
Thought-provoking report, Jenny.
Perhaps we could, uh,
discuss it later over burritos?
Whoa!
Jenny,
I am love your report
about record-setting
waterfall woman!
In Pashkov family,
all women set records
back in Stylgravia!
Mother had longest incisors
in Stylgravian history.
Grandma Bubina did longest nap
ever taken inside of a goat.
[goat bleats]
That is so awesome.
Record-setters are so cool.
Jenny's into
record-setters, huh?
Well, then, I'm gonna have
to set an epic record
that proves to her once
and for all that I,
Nate Wright, am the greatest
of all time!
[screams]
[upbeat music]
Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
OK, step aside, people.
Make way for PS 38's
next record-setter.
Dude, you've already
got the detention record.
- Don't get greedy.
- Let me guess.
This has something
to do with Jenny saying
she thinks it's cool
when people set records, right?
Pfft.
What?
Jenny's got a thing
for record-setters?
Yeah, I totally forgot
about that.
So, anyways, check it out.
I went to the library.
The library is the seventh
best-smelling room in PS 38.
Chad Fact.
And I got this book,
Rackleff Records.
So all I got to do
is pick something in there
and do it slightly better!
Whoa, this lady set
the record
for wooliest nose hair.
[elephant trumpeting]
#LifeGoals!
Do you have any
unusual body phenomena?
Well, I've always suspected
my tongue
is kind of on the long side.
[bell dings]
[fly buzzing]
- [slurping]
- Ugh, ew!
Sorry, Nate.
Chad's got you beat there.
Hmm,
maybe if you stretch it--
- Ugh!
- Hello, friends.
Do not forget,
I am invite all of you
to Scoopsies parlor
of ice creams tonight
for my
Lacagravitmulch ceremony!
Man, I wish I could pronounce
Lacagravitmulch ceremony,
'cause then I could ask,
what is
a Lacagravitmulch ceremony?
- How many nipples you've got?
- Uh, two?
Darn it!
Lacagravitmulch ceremony
is when
young man leaves old family
behind and celebrates
with new family.
- Aw.
- Ugh.
Family of friends.
And Jenny, you are
most important family of all.
That is so sweet!
I'll totally be there
after my class.
[groaning]
What are the chances
you can produce over 800 pounds
- of earwax before you turn 18?
- Slim.
I'm gonna have to actually
do something awesome,
which, let's be honest,
that's my specialty.
Hmm.
Whoa!
Booyah!
That's five!
[laughs]
Is this a record?
The record number
of toilet paper rolls stacked
on top of a forehead is 101.
You're almost there, Nate!
[inhales deeply]
Whoa!
Whoa!
[screaming]
The record for longest time
spent in a maggot bath
is 8 and 1/2 days.
[whimpering]
Oh, OK.
This isn't terrible.
[chuckles]
[retches]
OK, they're crawling in my--
no, no, no!
I can't do it!
[jazz music]
Keep going, Nate!
The longest consensual
ballroom dance
between a human and a crocodile
is 14 minutes and--
[screams]
[all screaming]
- [burps]
- [screams]
- Ugh!
- [burp]
- [applause]
- Sorry, bruh.
Guess he's just
not that into you.
[groans]
Setting an epic record
should not be this hard!
Maybe you can find something
you're already good at
and figure out a way
to take it to the next level.
Great idea, Deeds.
OK, let's see.
Ooh, I'm good
at eating ice cream!
Yeah,
what's the record for that?
Oh, man.
Somebody already ate
all 65 flavors of ice cream
- at Scoopsies.
- Oh, yeah, Finnegan Abrams.
He has a plaque
on the wall there.
He was a god amongst mortals.
[soaring orchestral music]
[slurping]
[groans]
No fair!
The good records
are already taken.
Wait a second, bruh!
Didn't Scoopsies
just drop a new flavor?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you're right!
Yes, they did!
66 scoops, here I come!
[elegant orchestral music]
Hey, guys, I'll have to cut
today's lesson short
'cause I've got a thing,
so let's get right to it, OK?
I seriously hope
you did the reading.
The final is in, like,
a week, and you for real
gotta pass it to graduate
from Advanced Astrophysics.
OK, so today, I thought
it'd be cool to talk about
how stellar black holes
create microquasars
and how supermassive
black holes
create active galactic nuclei.
♪
[upbeat pop music]
Oh!
Mm, mm.
And last but not least,
my man, our newest fla-vor.
[gasps]
The 66th scoop!
[chuckling]
As soon as Jenny
shows up for Artur's party,
she'll discover that I,
Nate Wright,
have set an epic record.
She'll be eating ice cream
right out of my hand!
[triumphant orchestral music]
♪
[screams]
[glass shattering]
[gags]
Zeff, are you trying to
[gagging]
Poison me?
This ice cream tastes
like frozen toilet water.
Now, now, little buddy,
the funk is intentional.
Flavor number 66
is artisanal egg salad.
The millennials are digging it.
- [gagging]
- Huh?
[gasps]
♪
Oh, friend Nate,
you are already here!
Welcome to
my Lacagravitmulch ceremony!
[gagging]
I wouldn't miss it.
Hey, what's with the spaceship?
Rocket is symbol
of Artur's childhood!
As soon as first tuft
of black hair sprouts
from my body,
this rocket will launch
into space for to signify
my ascent into manhood!
Uh-huh.
Pretty exciting,
huh, friend Nate?
Since you are early
to party,
you have glorious honor
of butter my back
to stimulate follicles!
Come on, Nate,
stimulate us.
[retching]
Uh, Houston,
I'm now in range
of the black hole's
gravitational--
[screams]
So anyway that's why
you shouldn't fly too close
to the ergosphere
of an event horizon, I mean,
unless you want your hoozits
and whatzits crushed
into an infinite density.
[laughs]
[bell rings]
That's all for today.
See you next week.
Ms. Jenkins,
are you still here?
- Um, no.
- Oh, phew!
I am so glad we caught you.
An albino panda
has been spotted in Shanghai
- and is about to give birth!
- Wait, are you sure?
Albino pandas
are, like, crazy rare.
It would have to be, like,
one of the last ones on Earth.
Exactly!
That's why we called you!
As the world's foremost
authority on albino pandas,
you're the only
person qualified
to supervise the labor
and ensure the safety
of perhaps the last
albino panda on Earth!
Uh, I don't know.
I mean,
I for sure want to help,
but my boyfriend
really wants me
to go to his Lacagrav--
Ms. Jenkins,
the entire future
of the albino subset
of the panda species
rests in your hands!
Yeah, no, totally.
[sighs]
I'm sure
this will only take a sec.
♪
So that is the way
you milk raccoon ♪
Milk raccoon, milk raccoon ♪
Hmm.
The things they don't show
you on the Science Channel!
Thank you, friend raccoon.
Your rich, chunky milk will
help me walk path to manhood.
[raccoon chirps]
[humming melody]
Please to blend this for me,
friend Zeff?
Right on.
[upbeat folk music]
♪
Ooh.
Sardine milk beverage
will ensure my back hair
is to grow long, lustrous,
and emit odor,
which will prove irresistible
to my one true love.
- Hmmph.
- But is not all good news.
According to old
Stylgravian legend,
sultry new man musk
will be also irresistible
- to man-eating Azdaya.
- [laughs]
Now we're talking.
[growls]
- [sniffs]
- Uh, hello.
- [cawing]
- [screams]
[gulps]
[burps]
[chuckles]
But not to fear,
my beloved Jenny
may keep Azdaya at bay
by wearing my first tuft
of back hair in locket
around her neck.
- [screams]
- [gulping]
Ooh.
[gagging]
- Bleh, bleh.
- [sighs]
I hope my Jenny
will be come quickly
so I am not
to be Azdaya dinner.
But of course, I understand
that she is busy girl.
Come, Lacagravitmulch family!
We will distract ourselves from
possibility of violent death
through merriment!
[laughs]
♪
Jenquala!
Jenquala!
Jenquala!
[laughter]
Oh, please.
Anyone can do that.
- Hey, check this out!
- Oh!
Jamiroquai!
[grunting]
[groans]
Good try, friend Nate.
[devils laughing]
[growls]
Go, Artur!
Go, Artur!
Mm, hmm.
Ah-choo!
- Oh! Oh!
- [groans]
[grunting]
Oh, that's
a cheeky move, bruh!
I've been training
my buttocks muscles
for many years in case I am
to be needing them one day.
Not cool, Nate.
You could have
really hurt Artur.
Oh, friend Nate,
do not feel bad.
You are boy.
I am man.
It's not easy for boy
to hold man up in the air.
- [growling]
- Oh!
- [roars]
- [straining]
[grunting]
Way to be dramatic, Artur.
It's not that heavy.
[straining]
Ow!
Nate, It's OK that you have
weak arms like underfed baby.
At other things,
you are actually very good,
like coloring funny pictures.
Uh
[laughs]
It's not coloring, Artur.
It's cartooning.
And yeah,
I am pretty good at it.
Hey, wait a minute.
Maybe you can find something
you're already good at
and figure out a way
to take it to the next level
[echoing]
Level level
[chuckles]
[upbeat music]
♪
She's doing great.
One more push and--
[panting]
[straining]
[crying]
[all cheering]
Good job.
He's a cute one.
You can, like, eat sushi
and aged cheeses again
if you're into
that kind of thing.
Sorry to deliver and run,
but I've got to get
to my boyfriend's party.
Speaking of which,
how's my hair?
There's no panda juice
on it, right?
- Excuse me.
- Hmm?
Ms. Jenkins, I have
an urgent message from NASA.
Your expertise
is needed immediately
at the International
Space Station.
Hey, sorry,
can we unpack this later?
I'm like so late
to my boyfriend's party.
It's really important to him.
More important
than thwarting an asteroid
which is hurtling toward Earth
and is sure to result
in the destruction of humanity?
I guess not?
Yeah, OK, coming.
[soft dramatic music]
Oh.
Now we're talking.
Greetings, America,
from Rackleff, Maine.
Nate Wright, 11-year-old
artistic genius here,
and I'm about to become
the first cartoonist in history
to have my comics displayed
in outer space.
Go forth and prosper, Nate.
Now, let's all
stand back and behold
the record-setting moment
as it--
[console beeps harshly]
Huh?
[groaning]
Oh!
[straining]
Oh, oh, oh!
[all cheering]
At last,
I am Mr. Artur Pashkov,
world's newest man!
[all cheering]
[screaming]
I'm gonna ask Gram
if I can have
- a Lacagravitmulch ceremony.
- [screaming]
I've already got
the back hair.
♪
[screaming]
♪
[gasping]
Oh, this is bad!
This is really bad!
I have no idea
how to steer this thing!
I'm only a kid!
No kid has ever gone
to space before.
No kid has ever gone
to space before!
I'm the first kid in space!
[laughs]
Sweet!
Wait until Jenny
hears about this!
Uh, hello, everyone.
This is Nate Wright,
artistic genius
and astronaut,
coming to you live from the--
uh, let's see.
Where am I?
[console beeps]
[screaming]
Are you sure
we're doing this right?
Yeah, we have it
under control.
OK, thanks.
It just would make me look
really bad if an asteroid
hits Earth during my shift,
so I want to make sure--
Take a chill pill.
I redirected the asteroid
into the Pacific Ocean.
Peace out, Jason.
[alarm blaring]
Hold up.
It looks like
there's a kid out there
- free floating through space.
- [screaming]
We should go get him.
Huh, no, you go get him.
We--meaning I--have to leave.
I'm super late to a thing.
You know,
the kid's only got 15 seconds
before he passes out.
Then his tongue
and eyeballs will boil.
And then his body's gonna--
Don't, Jason-splain to me, Jason.
I'm an expert in my field.
I understand how space works.
I just thought
you could help out for once.
Hm.
[munching]
Ugh!
Fine.
Ah.
[roaring]
[clucking]
[roaring]
[together]
Go! Go! Go!
[laughter]
[cawing]
[ominous music]
[groaning]
Oh, great.
Now Jenny's never--
ugh--never gonna see how--
ugh--
amazing I am, how--
ugh--amazing we'd be together.
I can't feel my butt.
[groaning]
[gasps]
[groans]
Uh, Jenny!
Jenny, you're here!
Hey, guess what!
I set a record!
Yeah,
I'm the first kid in space!
Nate, I know you're
like super into me ♪
But I'm not feeling
the same ♪
I gotta be honest ♪
Sometimes you are
totally lame ♪
Lame?
[laughs]
No, not me.
What do you mean?
Like that time
you came over ♪
And you wet your pants ♪
And when you let the lizards
loose in the vents ♪
Oh! No, no, no, actually,
that's a funny story.
You see, I was trying to--
Oh, and also that time
you almost ruined ♪
Our school's only dance ♪
OK, this is a minor setback,
but no need to panic.
I just need to explain myself.
Jenny, when I did that,
I was just a kid ♪
But now I'm like super old ♪
Fine, I've made
some mistakes ♪
But don't throw me out
in the cold ♪
One of these days,
I will finally show you ♪
What a really
great guy I am ♪
I'm way cooler than Artur ♪
We all know that guy
smells like ham ♪
Oh, Nate, when I met you ♪
You were just a kid ♪
But now you are like
basically a man ♪
You're totally right ♪
Artur does smell like ham ♪
She sees that I'm awesome ♪
Jenny sees that I'm awesome ♪
Oh!
Hey! Hey!
You didn't happen to see
a cell phone
anywhere out there, did you?
Yeah, yeah, it's got proof
on it that I--
well, I really need it.
Yeah, you see, there's--
there's this girl,
Jenny, who's just like
totally my soulmate.
But, ugh.
And then there's this guy
Artur who's--
he's just the worst,
so annoying.
Anyway, Jenny's all into
these people who set records.
And, like, I'm telling you,
that cell phone video
proves without
a shadow of a doubt that I--
I'm the first kid in space.
[raccoon chittering]
[screaming]
Oof!
Ugh.
Oh.
So that's how
you open the door.
You know, you guys should
really label that lever.
OK, well, I think I'm getting
a little more oxygen now,
so thanks, I guess.
[soft dramatic music]
[sighs]
♪
- [growling]
- Beat it, mutant chicken.
[clucking]
[roaring]
[clucking]
Then the shepherd says--
oh, Jenny, my love!
I was worrying
you would not make party.
Sorry I'm late.
I made you your favorite pie,
organ meat medley.
Whoa, Jenny bakes?
[chuckles]
Now I can see
why Artur is so into her.
[sniffs]
What is that amazing smell?
[sniffing]
Oh, Artur!
You are enchanted of my musk.
So it is written in the stars
that you are my one true love.
- Duh.
- Hi, hi, hi.
That fish milk wasn't
as gnarly as I thought it'd be.
Churned some into ice cream
if anybody wants a free sample.
- Hard pass.
- Yeah, harder pass.
I would love to, but I'm only
allowed to try exotic milks
under parental supervision.
Whoa, whoa, wait!
If I eat that, it'll be
my 66th flavor in a single day!
I'll break the record!
[munching]
[gulps]
Looks like
we here at Scoopsies
have got ourselves
a new record holder!
- [all cheering]
- Congratulations, friend Nate.
Hey, hey, hey, Jenny,
you realize what this means?
I set a record!
OK.
I'm so happy for you.
[whimper]
Oh.
[grumbles]
[somber music]
- Nate, that was legendary!
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but it doesn't matter.
You called it
from the beginning, Deeds.
I only wanted to set a record
to impress Jenny,
and she doesn't even care.
[gags]
And now I feel like
I'm gonna barf again.
She's just not
your person, Nate.
That's what she keeps trying
to tell you.
And you really, really
got to listen to her.
Sorry I tossed
your portrait prematurely, bro.
Why don't I take your photo?
I can get it developed
in five to seven business days.
[camera clicks]
It's OK, Jeff.
I'm not really feeling like
capturing the moment
right now
if you catch my drift.
I'll just draw you another one.
[tender music]
♪
- That's a good drawing.
- Huh?
I like the way
you drew your hair.
Oh, uh, thanks.
Uh, you're Ruby, right?
Yeah, I sit behind you
in art class.
- Hi.
- Uh, hey.
So are you here
for Artur's party, or?
Nah, I just came in
for ice cream.
I don't really know anyone
in Rackleff well enough
- to be invited to the ragers.
- Oh, no, no, no, don't worry.
[chuckles]
You didn't miss much.
Might I recommend
the sardine milk medley?
You don't have
any raccoon allergies, do you?
- Bleh!
- Hey, do you want to--
I don't know--
get out of here?
- I could show you around town.
- Um, yeah.
Mm.
[slurping]
Mm.
Is there anybody
you need to say bye to?
Thank you for
to wear my hairs always
and keep me safe from Azdaya.
This is fur of panda.
You were off saving
the world again, weren't you?
You know me so well.
[both sighing]
Hm.
No, I'm good.
[laughs]
So, uh,
you're an artist too?
Yeah, I do some cartoons,
but I'm super into sculpture.
I'm currently experimenting
with different mediums--
chalk, rendered deer fat,
cheesy snacks.
Whoa, that's so cool!
Can I see your work?
- Sure.
- [clucking]
[screeches]
[phone ringing]