Bizaardvark (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 - Hey, guys! I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
Both: And we're Bizaardvark! Today we are doing the Multi-Task Challenge, where we see if we can do two things at once.
Jumping on a trampoline while painting a picture of a dog, go! Okay.
Uh, that's the ears I don't know if I made enough room for the face.
I'm still jumping.
- Okay.
There it is! - (both giggling) Oh, wow! Frankie: You can tell that's a dog, right? - (bell dings) - This is hard! I told you! What are you trying to make? That looks like a bird! It's a giant cat! (both giggling) - (both scream) - (buzzer sounds) Throwing darts while Hula-Hooping! I am going to stand over here.
Come on.
- (buzzer sounds) - Okay.
- (buzzer sounds) - Aah! - No! - (buzzer sounds) - Oh! - (screams) - (buzzer sounds) - Okay, I just get a little too angry.
You can do (laughs) (both laughing) - (bell dings) - (cheering) What? Dribbling a ball while putting on a hooded raincoat.
I'm gonna be over here, so I am not hurt.
All right, I'm gonna put my hood on first.
Okay.
You got this, okay.
Now try for the buttoning.
How are you gonna do the buttoning? I can't even see the buttons.
Think fast! (both screaming) Just gotta Just gotta No, no, no, no, no! - (screams) - (buzzer sounds) Okay, got a button, got a button, got a button.
- Paige: What? - Got another button.
Paige: How'd you do it so fast? Aah! My arm's a little tired.
- I did it! - (bell dings) (cheering) You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Makin' over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Frankie: All right, listen up, people! As manager of the Vuuugle softball team, it's my job to whip you into shape! Did you volunteer to be manager just so you could boss people around? No.
I did it because they gave me this whistle! (whistle trills) All right, our first game is this weekend against Dave's Discount Tire Store.
I don't know who this Dave is, but I shall promptly give him a funeral at sea! You're not a real Viking, Scott! And we know your dad owns the store.
What kind of man fires his own son (yelling) for yelling at the customers! Those tire guys are big hitters.
We're gonna need to hit a ton of home runs.
And I can't bat every time.
You should bunt or get hit by a pitch every time, like we discussed.
We'll see what the wind situation is.
The weak child makes a fair point.
We need more muscle to ensure victory! (grunts) And that's how you wheelbarrow 500 pounds of cement from Las Vegas to Los Angeles! Another extremely specific dare completed! Woo! Woo! Wait.
Dirk's back? We should ask him to join our softball team.
Oh, yeah, me and him in the lineup? There's gonna be a lot of trippies and doubies.
Hey, Dirk.
Do you wanna join our softball team? Are you kidding? I love softball! Great, we're just about to practice.
Yes! Assemble the squadron! Oh.
We're all here.
All right, everyone.
Even though it's raining, we're not technically allowed to be playing in here, - so if anyone asks - All: Bernie did it! Wow, we didn't even practice that.
And I don't know why I said it, too.
All right, Dirk's up.
Prepare to be dazzled.
Way ahead of you.
(bat clatters) This is what my people call an awkward situation.
There's no way he can be on our team.
Well, someone's gonna have to look Dirk in the eye, tell him he's off the team, and completely break his heart.
You guys mind if I do it? Hey, hey, hang on.
I know Dirk's big and strong, but he's really sensitive.
Remember that time he made brownies and you said they were "a little too chocolatey"? (crying) She said they were too chocolatey! (laughs) He cried.
Dirk's our friend.
I'm gonna tell him the truth, - but I'm gonna let him down gently.
- Okay.
Hey, Dirk! Can I just Hey, Paige, thanks again for inviting me.
I've always wanted to be on a softball team! Plus, with my best friends! So when's our first game? - Uh, actually - What is it, Paige? What is the actually? - What? Oh, hey! - (chattering) So, um They're actually canceling the league this year because of something.
Oh, man! It's always something! That's too bad, because I made a batch of brownies for the team! - You wanna try one? - Sure.
Last time I know you said they were a little too chocolatey, so this batch I made with just beans and raisins! So good! Hey, guys, I'm Bernie, this is Dirk, and together, we're Birk.
Or Dernie.
Better! Today, we're gonna be doing the Human Elephant Challenge, where we put some tennis balls in these panty hose.
Today, we're gonna be doing the Human Elephant Challenge, (laughing) - Tennis balls! (laughs) - I know! We're gonna attach these to our heads and swing 'em around like giant elephant trunks! Whoever knocks down the most stuff with their trunk, wins.
All right, so this is Bernie's side, this is my side.
Here we go! Bernie: Three, two, one, go! - Come here, penguin! - (quacks) Yee-haw! Ow! No! Oh! Hey, let go! Quit turnin' em! - Hey! - Oh! Oh! (elephant trumpeting) (cheering) - Great win, team! - Yeah, too bad the umpire ejected you - after the first pitch.
- That ball was outside! He deserved everything I said about his wife and kids.
I should probably go prepare for my hearing in front of the league board.
Have fun.
I still can't believe I got five hits.
You got to bat off the tee, because everyone thought you were under 10.
The tee was set at medium height, though.
I'm just surprised the umpire let Viking Guy bat with a real axe.
Yes! He truly feared for his life! Hey, guys! Oh! Hey, Dirk, what are you doing here? I thought someone dared you to stay at home every Wednesday from three to five? No, the only dare I got was to wear a funny ice cream cone hat! Dare completed! (laughs) I regret nothing! Hey.
What's with the uniforms? I thought the softball league was canceled? Were you guys playin' without me? What? No! No, no, no.
Of course not.
Um we were just rehearsing for a play.
- Yeah.
- About softball.
- Yeah.
- It's a three-hour-long epic musical! Well, sweet! I can't wait to see it! - When is it? - Uh some Not for, like, a while, I This Saturday at 8:00 p.
m.
, in the lounge! Awesome! Save me a seat in the front row.
So now we have to put on a three-hour-long epic musical? Good luck.
I am a nightmare to work with.
All right, Frankie and I spent all night writing a three-hour-long epic musical.
- You spent all night? - Uh, well, not all night.
The first two hours were Paige giving me a presentation as to why Dirk's feelings matter, which I now know they do.
We only have a couple of days to pull this all together, so everybody focus, and no notes.
I have a note.
What if, instead of Softball: The Musical, we call it Amelia: The Musical? Do we really have to do this? Like, wouldn't it just be easier to tell Dirk the truth? You remind me of a small muskrat pelt I wore as a child.
Yeah! Guys, we can't tell Dirk the truth.
- Hey, tell 'em, Frankie.
- Mm.
Because Dirk is our friend, and if he finds out the truth, it will hurt his feelings.
Great.
Okay, so Amelia, you're playing the glove.
Bernie, you're the ball, and Viking Guy, you're the bat.
Guys, bad news.
I just found out my cousin's wedding is on Saturday night.
So I'm not gonna be able to make it to your play.
I'm really bummed.
Good luck, though.
(silence) Hold on! What is it, Viking Guy? What is the hold on? We can move up opening to tomorrow! Tomorrow? That's the only night this month I'm free! I literally would've never seen your play otherwise! You're welcome, old friend! (laughs) Crisis averted! Hey, guys! I'm Dirk! And I'm Bernie.
And today we're doing the Dizzy Mummy Challenge.
We each get a roll of toilet paper and have to spin ourselves until we're wrapped in it! Then, we try to walk in a straight line and pop all of these balloons! Whoever pops all their balloons first, wins.
Yeah.
Seems like this is the kind of stupid thing the Internet was invented for.
- Oh my God! - Oh! Here we go! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I'm gonna win! So many balloons! (shouts indistinctly) - Can't see.
- (bell dings) Okay, goodbye, Vuuuglers.
Come on, guys! Opening night is tomorrow and we are not ready at all.
All right, let's take it from the top, people! (whistle trills) That's how you coach a play.
Hey, Paige? Uh, you said I play the ball, that's like a small part, right? No, no, it's the lead.
You have the most lines of anyone.
Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Oh, I'm a terrible actor! All right, everyone, let's take it from the scene where the softball I have notes on my character.
I don't find him to be very likable.
Well, you play the villain.
Well, perhaps if he was some sort of Viking.
You're a softball bat.
I want to play a viking bat.
That's not a thing! All right, let's take it from after the second intermission.
- The glove is about to - (playing dark melody) No, no, no, Horseface Guy.
We talked about this! I know you're classically trained, but this is a light musical about softballs.
No dark symphonies! (cracks knuckles) (plays "Camptown Races") Split the difference! Hey, Paige, so, uh, you said I have a lot of lines, but I'm not singing, right? Yes, it's all singin', and in one scene, you have to hold a single note for a full minute.
Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool.
I can't even hold my bladder for a full minute! Hey, Frankie! I finished makin' all the costumes.
Oh, finally, someone is doing something helpful around here.
Also, I announced the show on my channel.
What? Why would you do that? Amelia Duckworth only performs for a packed house.
You know the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, "and no one's around to hear it, will anyone subscribe to my channel?" - That's not a saying.
- Sure it is.
What's good for the goose is good for my channel.
Again, not a saying! Viking Guy: I've heard it! Okay.
Wait.
Uh, how many people bought tickets? Oh, we're sold out, honey.
- You know what they say - (whistle trills) Just go rehearse! Hey, Paige, so, uh only Dirk's gonna see this, right? Nope.
Amelia announced it on her channel.
It's gonna be a packed house.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool Oh, my life is a black hole of misery! Hey, guys.
Dirk here with "Live like a Viking channel guy.
" And today, we're gonna see whose voice can get the loudest, using this decibel meter.
In my village, we determine the winner based on how many birds fall from the treetops.
- I dig you, Viking Guy! - (chuckling) Likewise, Sir Dirk! - Shall we get loud? - Get loud! Here we go! Kitten makes me weep! Kittens make me weep! I've heard that from my longhouse! - (bell dings) - (both laugh) Is this organic? Is this organic? - (bell dings) - That was good.
That was good.
Meatball sandwich! Meatball sandwich! - Ooh! You won again! - (bell dings) Ooh, hoo-hoo! My throat hurts! (coughs) I think I got you on that one.
I love romantic comedies! I love romantic comedies! - No, I love romantic comedies! - No, I love romantic comedies! I love romantic comedies! - (bell dings) - We're both winners.
They're good movies.
Yeah.
Good movies.
Okay, vocal exercises.
- Toy boat, toy boat - Burn and pillage, burn and pillage! Music performed by Horseface Guy? Oh, he's good.
(instruments tuning) All right.
We threw this thing together in two days, so let's just go out there, and hope it's not a total disaster.
- (applause) - Paige: Ladies and gentlemen, Softball: The Musical.
Aw, shucks! Another day of being knocked around.
You know, it stinks being a softball.
I wish I could be a hardball.
(playing mid-tempo melody) You know I'm tired of it Taking hits all the time Yes, I'm tired of it This abuse is a crime And if only I could toughen up and have courage, I swear I'd finally leave this stadium and see the world out there - You know, he's tired of it - I'm tired of it! Come here, Softball, and I will hit you hard It's the rule of the ball to get hit by the bat And I won't hold anything back And the crowd will hear a crack Now prepare for a bat attack No! He's the bad guy! Snack bar foods! I need to stand up to the bat.
Do you have any advice? Sure, we've got some advice.
- You should probably buy a hot dog - What? It'll give you lots of energy And while you're at it you should buy some pretzels Not helpful! We're salty and we only cost four-ninety-three (laughing) Snack bar foods don't talk! I've been through so much pain My stitching's black and blue I promise I won't drop the ball, I'm right here under you - I'll catch you - Will you catch me? I'll never let you fall I'll catch Both: You (weeping) She caught him.
- (shouts) - (grunts) You're not gonna knock me around anymore, Bat.
Because this softball has become a hardball.
You don't listen to me, do you, Ball? 'Cause, I never meant to hurt you.
I only wanted to hit you out of the stadium so that you could finally live your dreams.
You mean, this whole time you've been trying to help me? Dirk: Oh my gosh! But, Glove, I can't take you with me.
It's okay.
You don't need a glove to catch you anymore.
Because you'll be soaring.
Thank you, everybody! I'll always be with you.
- (uplifting music playing) - (bat cracks ball) He'll hit you hard He'll hit you hard! (cheering) - Whoo! - Haha, we did it! I feel like a butterfly! (retching) Guys! That was incredible! - (both laughing) - Thanks, Dirk.
- Did you like the costumes? - So real.
- Did you like the songs? - Tearjerkers.
Did you like that we only put on this musical to spare your feelings because you're a horrible softball player? Now where's the wrap party? Wait.
That's the reason you guys did this? I know I'm bad at softball.
Why didn't you just tell me? I could've handled it.
Oh.
Yeah.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
What an epic waste of time! What I meant was We're sorry and we should've told you the truth.
Yeah.
From now on, we're always gonna be 100 percent honest with you.
Guys! Guys, guys, guys, guys! Great news! There was a big-time theater producer in the audience, and he loved the show so much, he wants to take it on a national tour! (laughing) Hey, but this time, Dirk should be in it.
Sweet! I'm a great singer.
I'll catch you Yes, I'll catch you You can't be in the musical and your brownies are terrible.
(gasps) (crying)