Black Jesus (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

Hey man, what's up, man.
How you want $30, man, apiece for the fight, man? That ain't fair.
We might as well order the fight ourselves.
This fool out here tripping, man, talking about Let me see.
Nigga, as much as we protected your ass when we was kids, and you pulling this ho shit? Hello? That nigga's selfish, man.
Why we can't watch the fight at your house? You know I can't stand it when you ask me the same thing over and over again.
Stop asking me.
Here, I'm giving a Filipino-themed party.
Shit, Ms.
Tudi is broadening her horizon.
See what I'm saying? Any of you niggas Filipino? - Huh? - Come on, Ms.
Tudi, please.
Everybody charging at least $25, $30 to get in.
Jesus tell him, this is called tough love.
Y'all gonna really appreciate this when you can afford to pay for your own fight party.
Go to Fish's house.
Ms.
Tudi, you know we ain't got no money.
That ain't my problem.
Devon, do me a favor, baby, and put these trays in the truck, okay? My name is Tray.
Right, nigga, put the trays in the truck.
My name is Tray.
That means Filipino for "kiss my ass.
" Hey, man, we got to find a way to watch this fight, man.
Man, I ain't missing the damn fight, man.
Everybody else gonna see it.
What you say we do what we always do around this time? - Let's pray, y'all.
- Yeah.
Come on, come on, bring it on in, bring it on in.
Dear Lord, that Jackson-Santos fight is the fight of the century, Lord.
Please lead us to a way where we can see this fight and have a great event for the evening, Father God.
Thank you, Lord, and in my name we pray, amen.
Amen.
Now that's tight.
Got that old Sammy Davis Jr.
feel to it.
Here, this one's for you.
Oh, no, no, no, I know what I'm-a wear.
And it's gonna be sharp Lloyd, I'm not letting you dress yourself, man.
This party has a Vegas theme.
And that's how we gonna be rolling Vegas theme.
I got to go check the guest list.
That reminds me.
How many friends do I get to invite? - Uh, absolutely none.
- None?! Well, that's not fair.
Why can't my friends come? 'Cause your friends are vagrants, Lloyd.
They stink.
You lucky I'm letting your funky ass up in here, man.
And besides, I pay the cable bill, nigga.
Well, it's still not fair.
How many people you invite? Exactly 12.
Plus you and me, that's 14.
And from the space, the booze, the food, and us all sharing the same bathroom, 14's the perfect number.
I can't believe this is happening, man.
The big fight right in my living room.
Jackson-Santos! Ew! All right, good news and bad news, I found a place in Century City, - but it's a hundred bucks a person, so - Ugh, that's unbelievable, man.
Hey, Tray, don't your pops still do the flimflam with the janky cable? Oh, yeah, why we didn't think about that earlier? Come on, Tray, you know your pops is - the Compton cable hookup king, man.
- Look, I'd love to, but you guys remember the whole situation between him and Vic that went down a couple years ago, right? Yeah, I-I remember.
It was, uh, the rebate thing.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- What's the rebate thing? Man, Vic punk ass had this system worked out to where he ain't pay shit for cable, 'cause when they move into the complex, he made 'em sign up through his account.
That way, he got all the rebate kickbacks.
- So? - So my father hooks someone up in the complex with some cable, right? They cancel their account, causing Vic to have to pay ten percent more each month.
He went ballistic, and he's still mad about it.
Man, (bleep) Vic and his big-ass piano teeth, man.
It's the biggest fight of our lifetime, and I ain't missing this shit for nobody.
Besides, man, that was two years ago.
Yeah, really, Tray, that's some bullshit, man.
I don't see no reason why you shouldn't at least try.
- Try, man.
- Yeah, but I don't want any trouble.
Hey, man, you need to call your dad.
I'd try to call my dad, but he keep changing his number.
I'm just glad you down to steal some cable with your boys.
I thought you went straight Goody Two-Shoes on us.
Nah, ain't nobody stealing, this is not stealing, dawg.
Cable should be free for everybody, an.
Your boy ain't got no love for these big cable monopolies.
Hey, Tray, I'm-a need you to complete this mission.
We got to see this fight, dawg.
You holla at your pops, and I'm-a holla at mine.
- Hey, for real, Tray, come on, - Trayvon, man, we need to come through in the clutch, baby.
That's right, man.
Lloyd Hamilton? What?! I'm eating dinner.
Who is it? What you have here, brah? Sign right here.
Oh, wow.
Ah.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Man, Big Tray, we really appreciate this, dawg.
That's a good look, man.
We ain't got no bread right now, but you're welcome to whatever we got.
Jee, you know your money ain't no good here.
I just appreciate you letting Tray hang with you, man.
Say, man, you know what it is.
We love Tray, man.
Okay, guys, we get it, love is love, I understand.
But we really need to clear out before Vic and Lloyd get back, okay? You're right, so check it.
Y'all have the fight right now, plus the deluxe package, HBO, man, all the channels, man.
I even hooked you up with the porno channel, man.
Aah, boom, I'm good! What! Ooh! That's what I'm talking about, Big Tray.
Good looking out, man.
I'm-a round up everybody else in the building, and we're gonna bring you some more business.
Oh, I'm down with that business.
One love.
What? No, not a good idea, guys.
- What about Vic? - Man, (bleep) Vic.
No, he right, I should right.
- Hand me my bag, Tray.
- Okay, cool, look, I'll leave first.
- Just keep a lookout.
- Okay.
Hey, Jee, you got any smoke? Oh, I got you, loved one.
Now that's what I'm saying.
- Some of that good fire.
- Yeah, man.
- Hey, how Rita doing? You talk to her? - Yeah, she doing There we go, there we go.
Hell yeah.
A'ight, so look, now that we got the cable hookup, how about we all put together some money so we can send Trayvon to the store to get some snacks.
Okay, first of all, I thought I worked for the big guy, not you.
- Settle down.
- Hey, yo, Jesus.
Will you politely inform your servant that if I say he's going to the store, that he's going? Tray, man, go and hook it up for your boy, man.
You can do it, you got the bike.
Hey, yo, check it out, I got an idea.
Now that we got cable, how come we can't be one of them people overcharging niggas for the fight? A fight party? Our own fight party.
A fair-price fight party sound good.
Yeah, but the only thing is, man, y'all know Vic gonna be trying to shut it down ASAP.
Maybe if we do it in here, he will.
But not if we do it out here.
Vic can't say nothing if we have it out there.
Oh, he sure can't say shit.
That's outside complex property.
Look, guys, uh, I'm not sure about this, there's obviously there's, like, a million ways it could go wrong, so we should think about it, you know? Tray, Tray, Tray.
Come on, man, you got to put your trust in the Lord and put your faith in me, man.
Cool? It-It's not cool how you bring up the Jesus card, like, all the time.
Well, I'm Jesus, "like, all the time.
" Now, come on, man, we got to figure out how much we're gonna charge, and we got to get the word out.
Then we got to get the food situated, and I'm-a check up on the AV hookup.
A'ight, come on, Boonie, we'll do everything else.
What else is there? Son of a bitch.
What you want, Mr.
Teeth? I heard Big Tray was up in there.
That nigga's banned off the visitor's list.
And he also didn't sign in with Lloyd.
Nah, man, I don't know nothing about that, Vic.
- Oh, you don't know nothing about it, huh? - Nope.
I'm-a tell you right now, if he's in there hooking up some janky cable, that's against complex rules.
You still got cable? No, man, I cut my cable off 'cause I'm flat broke, man.
Look.
Oh, yeah, so, so wh-what's that, huh? - That sound like cable to me.
- Nah, man, it's just the homies clowning around, acting crazy.
The homies in there clowning, huh? Say, nigga, hey! Hey! Hey, I'm talking to you! Y'all come check it out.
Nigga, you ain't the police.
Hey, look, I told you more than once.
When you steal cable from this complex, you're messing with my monthly referral rebate, which means you're stealing directly from me.
You know how much I pay for my monthly cable bill?! You tell him, Vic.
- Ten percent! - Ten percent, tell him, Vic! Vic, Vic, look, man, I ain't got no beef with you, homie.
All right? You know, and you're a little bit too old to be playing that bully role.
Too old, huh? Boy, you been watching Friday Night Fights, huh? Something got you feeling strong? Hey, Tray, I think Vic about to whup your daddy ass.
I got my money on Big Tray.
- Whup his ass, Big Tray! - Walk away, Dad! - Right in this courtyard, right now, nigga.
- Let's go, nigga, flex, nigga, flex, nigga.
- Nigga, I - Expand, nigga, what's up? I don't want to (bleep) with you, Vic, - but I will.
I will, nigga.
- Come into my zone, nigga.
- What's up, huh? - Step, then, step on me.
Out the way, man.
You're too old for this, Vic.
I ain't gonna be out here looking stupid 'cause you're mad about a rebate.
Nigga, come on, grow up! You should have thought about all that shit before you disrespected my property.
Come on, nigga, fight me like a man, nigga.
Jesus, I told you we got to be more careful.
I got bad knees.
Hey, Vic, come on, man, chill, brother, look, we sorry, man.
- I'll tell you what, man, I'll tell you what.
- Swing, nigga.
- Defend yourself, nigga.
- You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm-a record this for my own legal protection.
You step on me, step on me, man, I'm-a tell you, I'm-a sue your ass.
Sit your ass, nigga.
Nigga, that's not even a real gun.
That's good for your ass! Vic, Vic, you all right? Stay the (bleep) away from me; if we're having a fight, you ain't supposed to be helping me.
Lloyd, help! Stay down, Vic! Just stay down! Nigga, I'm-a get up, and I'm-a kick your (bleep) ass.
Hey, Vic, I'm-a post this online, boy.
I'm-a make sure you don't never get (bleep) again.
Nah, he don't get no (bleep) already.
Just give me a minute.
Uh, uh, Vic, no offense, I-I got another appointment to go to.
Nigga, you ain't going nowhere.
O-Okay.
Hey, Vi-Vic.
I-I'm not I'm gonna respect your space and never come here again, okay? We're gonna finish this fight.
And you're gonna stop cheating.
Let's just call it a draw.
Matter of fact, you won.
You won, Vic! Congratulations! Hey, Jee, Tray, I'll see you at the crib.
All right, Big Tray, be cool.
All right, uh, bye, Dad.
Say, nigga, where you going? This ain't over yet.
Hey, Vic, you want some water? Get your (bleep) hands off me! From now on, Big Tray is banned from the complex for eternity.
For eternity! Yeah, yeah, that's it right there, y'all, right there! That'll work perfect! Yeah, Tray, look at that, man.
See, Moms thinks she the only one who could throw a culturally sensitive, ethnically themed party.
Hey, what kind of beer them Chinese (bleep) like? Uh, I don't know.
Hey, guys, we got about 50 people coming.
I mean, at 12 bucks a head, that's That's $1,500! No, it's $600.
It's all good, though, man.
I ain't gonna lie, Boonie, man, this was a good idea.
Hey, what happened to the picture? It's off, man.
Fix it! That's right! Your janky-ass cable just been shut off! Ain't gonna be no fight night tonight, (bleep) fellas! And, oh, yeah, Fish, if you decide to get real cable installed, make sure you call me up, so I can get ten percent.
Man, come on in, y'all.
Just want to have some fun, man.
Ol' hatin' ass, man.
He always hatin' on something, man.
All right, man, right now we got to weigh out our options.
We got about two hours before folks start showing up.
Look, no, there are no options, okay? No cable, no fight.
It's simple.
Quit being so damn negative, man! I know you could hook that shit up if you want to.
You're always playing with all them electronics and shit.
What?! No way! I am not going up there! It's totally dangerous.
There are high voltage wires up there.
But you could.
I know your pops done taught you some of that stuff.
Well, I mean, maybe.
But it-it's a terrible idea.
Okay, I mean, yeah, I helped him do it a couple of times, but that doesn't make me an expert.
Hey, look, Tray, I hear your concerns and all, but right now we're facing about 50 people on the way to see a fight party, and we got to give them one.
Come on, Tray.
We got to reconnect the cable, and you're the only one that can do it, man.
I believe in you, brah.
- What about Vic? - Man, (bleep) Vic! Vic can't be in two places at once, man.
And plus, he having his own fight party, so he ain't worried about us.
Tray, look.
We'll put Jason on the lookout.
So when Vic and the cable dude leave the roof, we can throw you up there, you hook that shit up, - and bam no problem.
- Jesus, listen.
You know something could happen to me.
Like you know this, right? I hope the fight is that important to you.
Are you listening to me? Oh, yeah, yeah, Tray.
Hey, hey, is there some Loops in there, Fish? Go help yourself.
Hook it up, Tray.
Trayvon, look, man.
This is your chance to be a team player, baby.
We down by one point.
You're on the free throw line with no time on the clock.
If there's no time, we already lost.
All right, welcome, welcome to the fight of the century! $12, please.
Hey, have your money ready.
I do not have change, so don't ask.
Consider it a donation.
No outside beverages.
My man Jason selling drinks right here.
We'll take care of you.
We got you.
All right, so check it out what we do, we got two separate but equal viewing areas.
Over here, this is the Jackson side of the fight.
And for all you Asiatic, Filipino (bleep), this is the Santos side right here.
Now, if you're black and Filipino mixed, your rope-side selection will be chosen based off the straightness of your hair.
Hey, girl, get your ass over here, goddamn it.
You ain't fooling anybody with that Brazilian weave.
Don't worry.
We got the fight coming on in a few seconds; just bear with us.
All right.
- I think it's the purple one.
- Come on, Tray.
Let's get this cracking.
How we do? We got a couple more coming.
But we're doing a'ight so far.
All right, boy, this shit cool, goddamn it.
Be careful, Tray.
No, I think I got it.
Tray! No, Tray! - Come on, Tray! - Is he dead? Yeah, he dead.
He's dead.
Come on, Tray, man, come on, man! My bad, it wasn't supposed to go down like that, brah! You get a do-over, homie.
He alive! He alive! Hey, the fight on! Did I just, should I have just died? Yeah, just for a hot minute.
But-but look at you, man! You're back, man! And guess what.
The fight's on, homie! You did that! Bow! Bow! Bow! Poom! Muhammad Ali was the baddest boxer of them all.
He'd put the rope-a-dope on you! He'd be like this blip, blip, blip I'm gonna step out for a second.
Keep having a good time.
Son of a bitch! Pow! Poom! Look at this! Come on, y'all, listen! Look at that! Can you see that? Hey! What's all this shit?! Nigga, this is our fight party! And there ain't shit you could do about it, either, 'cause this ain't the complex grounds.
Ain't complex grounds, huh? Guess it's out of my jurisdiction.
Well, that cable box on the roof? That's my jurisdiction.
Vic.
Vic, man, come on, man! Vic, man, Vic, man! Come on, man, look at you! Man, why you got to act like that all the time, man? Look, man, you're fresh to def, man, dipped in butter with your handmade African outfit.
You got your Vegas-themed party popping, man.
But you're hating on us so hard, you can't even enjoy your own shit, Vic.
Why, man? Somebody got to enforce the rules.
Stealing cable is wrong.
Okay, Vic, I know the whole "Thou shalt not steal" thing, but you know we don't get down with the big cable companies, man.
They use unfair business practices and got shitty customer service, Vic! It ain't just about the cable company.
It's about the fighters, too.
They're risking their life to put on a show.
They worked all their life for that match.
And they get a percentage of the pay-per-view.
So when you steal cable, you're stealing from them.
And when you steal from them, you might as well be taking food right out their children's mouth.
I-I didn't think about it like that, Vic, man.
Yeah, I bet you didn't.
And I'm gonna change the minds of them other fools you've been hanging out with when I go up here and shut this janky-ass cable off.
Hey, Vic, man, be careful, man! Don't hurt yourself, man! You're gonna (bleep) up your Nairobi nightclub outfit! Get your hands off me, con man.
Nigga, I'll stomp your fingers.
Vic, man, be careful, man.
Don't-don't do that.
Get down, Vic! Oh, hey, what's up, Tray? You cool? You want a beer? No, I'm not cool, okay? I just F-in' died! Man, you just kind of died.
How do you "kind of" die, Fish? I was dead! I was dead! All because you guys wanted to see the stupid fight.
What's up, Tray? You all right? No! I was dead! I'm not all right! Aw, come on, man, it was only, like, a minute, man.
- I died for three days.
- You think you're an angel.
That's why God killed you for trying so hard.
Exactly, I do everything you guys want me to do, okay? But dying for the fight is too much! Vic got shocked! Hey, Vic got the fight, too! Hey, y'all, come on! Who is it? Give me a push, young lady.
Hold on a minute.
Who is it? Damn fool If you ain't on the guest list, you Negroes should get on out of here! Hey! What is this? A parade? What is this? You're going the wrong way! Go back the other way! Hey! My Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Vic.
Ah, I like hamburgers.
680, 690, 710 $720! Hey, I can't believe it, man.
Something actually worked out.
Hey, well, homies, you know, uh, I hate to be the one to piss on the parade, but you know we got to return some of that bread - back to Jackson and Santos.
- For what? I mean, Vic gamed me up from an entirely different perspective, man.
You know, we kind of stole from them dudes last night.
Do you have any idea how much money - them niggas already have? - Don't matter, Fish.
Right is right and wrong is wrong.
You don't want nobody - to steal from you, do you? - A'ight.
I guess they can share a piece.
Tray? Your boy about to finay to the stinore real quick, man.
You want me to grab you a couple of thinangs? Say what? I said I'm about to go to the store for you.
You want something? You're going to get something from the store for me? I mean, no one's ever really asked me that before.
Well, I'm asking you now, young man.
Uh uh okay, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me get a, let me get a bag of Doritos, uh, a pack of Mentos if they got it.
Wait, do I have to pay? 'Cause I don't have any Oh, nah.
It's on me.
I got you.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah, in that case, um, I-I'll take some Loops with-with some milk, paper towels, Tabasco sauce, some Spam.
Get some avocados, I'll make you guys sandwiches and everything.
I got you.
Thanks, Jesus.
Ah! You see that? I feel like a superhero, you know? Oh, yeah!