Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

Sir, you can't send me to Vietnam.
I can do whatever I want.
I'm president of the goddamn United States of America.
Isn't that right, Checkers? That's what it says on your business cards.
There are going to be riots in the streets.
I'm Secretariat.
You think I'm afraid of a few rioting hippies? Don't make me laugh.
Ha-hoo.
Or whatever a laugh sounds like.
Please, I'll do anything.
You gotta send someone else in my place.
Hmm.
Perhaps an arrangement can be arranged.
I'm just an athlete.
I'm no hero.
My brother Jeffretariat is the hero.
He's fighting the Reds over in 'Nam, which is necessary to protect our way of life.
And another hero is President Nixon.
He is one groovy dude.
Groovy.
What the hell are you doing? Sorry, Mommy! Don't you dare put that out.
That is a perfectly good cigarette, and you are going to finish it.
But I don't wanna.
And I don't want to be the mother of a quitter.
Finish it.
Jesus Christ, you can't even smoke a cigarette right.
Don't you dare cry, don't you ever cry.
You wanted this.
Are you punishing me for smoking or for stealing? I'm punishing you for being alive.
Ugh.
Uh, BoJack? You really shouldn't throw a lit cigarette off the Fine.
I'll call 911.
The fire department got everything under control, but the cable's out for the neighborhood.
I don't understand what started the fire.
Nobody knows where fires come from, it's a mystery.
Anyway, I am fired up about my first day back on set.
We're gonna finish that big Nixon scene.
We were just one shot away before we went on hiatus.
Yeah, I know.
You told me at breakfast.
Why did you call me? Usually I talk to Diane on the way to work, but she abandoned me to teach piano in Cordovia or something.
Oh.
Well, glad you settled for me because Diane wasn't available.
You bet.
Oh, man, I'm gonna kill in this Nixon scene.
BoJack gonna be in "da" house.
In da White House.
What happened to da house set? Da White House set? - Things changed a little.
- You cut the Nixon scene? The Nixon scene is the core of the whole movie.
Where we see Secretariat be morally corrupted and get to look into the real darkness of his soul.
It's still all that, except now it happens while you give a Christmas present to your nieces and they hug you while your butt is stuck in a chimney.
Is one of the nieces Nixon? Over hiatus, we ran a focus group.
People don't want all that controversial stuff.
But we were supposed to make a gritty movie about the real Secretariat.
- Warts and all.
- Kid, "warts and all" don't pay bubkes.
That's why they took the gay stuff out of A Beautiful Mind.
Know that guy who spent 12 years as a slave? They don't talk about the 60 years he spent as a jerk.
- Kelsey, you're okay with this? - Eh That's showbiz.
See, BoJack, that's the shrug of a pro who gets it.
Good shrugging, kid.
Yo! Care-to-the-O-to-the-Lyn-to-the That's the end of your name.
We need to talk.
We'll meet in the supply closet in one minute.
Break! Oh, okay.
Ooh, ow.
Carolyn, when you're in the throes of a very ugly divorce such as I am, along with all that pain and degradation comes a certain perfect clarity, and right now that clarity is telling me that you and I should get out of here.
Well, what do you mean, "get out of here"? Beautiful, I'm starting my own agency, and I want you to be my partner in crime.
What? But I can't just leave Vigor.
I've been here 20 years.
Who's gonna water the plants? Um, I'm sorry.
You water the plants? I started doing it as an intern, but then no one told me to stop, so it's still kind of my job.
Carolyn, you are my gritty, witty city kitty.
I want you with me, fifty-fifty.
Things are so crazy for me right now.
I Don't give me that, you want crazy.
"Crazy" is your favorite Patsy Cline song and your second favorite Gnarls Barkley song.
I don't want crazy.
I've got five episodes of The Good Wife piled up on my DVR, and I just want a night off to enjoy them.
Well, if that's how you feel, I guess I could just go to Vanessa Gekko.
- Gekko?! - But I'd rather look at you all day.
You're an amazing agent.
And you're bright, and you're fun.
And I think we could make something really special.
We weren't doing anything! We were just looking for closet supplies.
Are you the person to talk to about unclogging the toilet? Stuart, I'm your boss.
Okay, but you're the one in the janitor's closet, so What, I'm the idiot? The first thing you notice about Sebastian St.
Clair is that he speaks in paragraphs.
Even I can't believe how much good we've done here, and I'll believe almost anything.
In the last six weeks, we dug a new well, built a school, and next month the community center is doing Seussical.
There we go.
In his previous life, Sebastian owned a chain of high-end department stores.
I want to stock up on muffs.
We're going to sell a lot of muffs this winter.
Huzzah! Diane, I lived a life of power and luxury, and then my picture was in the newspaper.
- A real-life newspaper! - Uh-huh.
But I knew my life was empty.
At night I heard the cries of children sick and dying.
And I would scream into the night.
Shut up! Shut up, children! But the phantom cries would not abate.
And so I began my travels, with little more than a compass, a yearning for adventure, and several crates full of unsold muffs.
I knew there were people out there just waiting for my help.
Diane, this is Kinko.
I am Kinko.
In his language, it means, orphan whose parents were murdered by rebels and will die young, probably from malaria.
Hi, Kinko.
I'm Diane.
It means, my parents liked the show Cheers.
Cheers! Oh, you're good.
You're very good.
When Sebastian St.
Clair says you're good, you want to believe that you really are.
That you, like Sebastian, are part of something bigger than just yourself.
And for a moment, you feel like you are.
Oh, Kinko made a mess.
Now I finally realize that a triple hug is way more valuable than a Triple Crown.
And cut.
Neat.
- Let's break for lunch.
- Oh! Kelsey, this is a nightmare.
I had to touch three children today, and one of them was sticky.
Yeah, it was you.
Wash your damn hands, you gremlin.
- BoJack, there's nothing we can do.
- No, this isn't you.
I've seen everything you've done.
Your films are challenging and gritty, and they're great.
I'm not just saying that because they're full of lesbians.
Look, even if I wanted to finish that Nixon scene, we don't have an Oval Office set.
There's one at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda.
Why on earth do you know that? In season three of Horsin' Around, the horse got elected president and we shot on location.
We can sneak into the library and get the shot, guerilla-style.
Once Turteltaub sees it, he'll love it, and we can make the movie we both want to make.
- Okay, I'm in.
Let's do it.
- All right! Did they really make your character president? Only for season three.
In season four, it turned out it was all a dream.
They called my airplane Air Horse One.
And the vice president was a hip-hop zebra named Zebro.
- Come on.
- It wasn't our best season.
But on the bright side, was not our worst.
Step one, we go to the Nixon Library and steal the scale model.
Welcome to my library.
I'm Nixon.
.
Yeah, you know, some people say I look like Nixon.
Not because he's my dad or anything.
That's crazy.
Nixon's not my dad.
But if you have any questions about Nixon, I'd be happy to answer them.
Yeah, I have a question.
Um Is that the lighted exit sign from Nixon's boyhood home? Uh, no, that's just an exit sign.
- Is that - Here we go.
the handicapped drinking fountain he used in the White House? No, just a normal drinking fountain.
- Hang on.
- One more.
- Is that the smoke alarm? - No.
So the Oval Office is right here, next to the men's room.
I remember because season three of Horsin' Around was a big cocaine year.
All the pressures of being president.
- I don't see how we'll pull this off.
- We're gonna need a crack team.
First, we gotta get the best lock-pick in the city.
- Not interested.
- Okay.
The second best lock-pick in the city.
- No way I'm doing that.
- Got it.
A lock-pick.
Todd, can you pick locks? - Kind of.
- Great.
You're in.
We'll need an expert cat burglar.
All right, Good Wife, let's see what you got.
Hey, Princess Carolyn! Kelsey and I are gonna break into the Nixon library to steal a shot for our Secretariat movie.
It's a super-sneaky, kooky caper that stands to benefit you in no way.
Are you in? Hey! Shut up down there! - You shut up! - Make me! Hey, you got a problem? Take it up with my agent, your downstairs neighbor Princess Carolyn.
We'll need someone to play Checkers.
Hey, Chicago! Al Capone, deep dish.
What does Ethan Hawke know? We'll find out tonight.
Da Bears.
BoJack, I'd love to help you out, but I'm super-busy recording promos for television's highest-rated new game show.
- We can probably do it without you.
- This next one's for Seattle.
Hey, Seattle! Space Needle, Starbucks.
What does Ethan Hawke know? We'll find out tonight.
Rain.
It's too bad though because I could really bring a lot to this project.
The more I think about it, Checkers wouldn't even be in the shot.
It's just a single on Secretariat.
Hey, Waco, Texas! Terrible tragedy.
What does Ethan Hawke know? - We'll find out tonight.
So sorry.
- You know what? Forget I even asked.
- Twist my arm, why don't you? I'll do it.
- Okay.
Finally, we'll need a criminal mastermind.
Character actress Margo Martindale, you've been a model prisoner.
I'm glad I served my time.
But now I'm ready to move on with my life and get back to doing small roles in critically-acclaimed films and television shows.
Watch, purse, lipstick, Emmy Award for Best Guest Actress.
I need your help with a break-in.
BoJack, I've been out of prison for two minutes.
What took you so long? Kelsey, Mr.
Peanutbutter and I are gonna break into the library.
But the problem is, the place is crawling with cops.
They're on high alert because some idiot stole this model last night.
Yeah, nice work, Todd.
Who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you.
You're adorable.
Look at your big saucer eyes.
I can go swimming in them! - Totally.
- Now, we need to lose the cops.
The rest of you will create a diversion by breaking into the only other place in Yorba Linda of cultural significance: the Discount Fine Art Gallery in the strip mall, between the tanning salon and the adult bookstore.
Once you set off the alarm, all the cops will go there.
Now, things could get ugly.
One of you is very likely to die.
- Possibly Alan.
- Why possibly Alan? Well, you are the guy none of us knows that well.
I just came to fix your cable.
Alan, you already know too much.
You're a part of this now, like it or not.
- But - Hey, you think you could keep it down? I'm reading a script and I'm having trouble focusing, so now my notes are gonna be confusing and vague.
We're almost done.
I know you're having fun with your police cars, I just wish you would have asked before you invited these people over.
- I live here, too.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
And can you at least let Alan fix the cable before he dies? I can't die.
I'm endangered! "And the truffle-infused gnocchi was the star dish at this up-and-comer that will please the pickiest of Brooklynites and the less discerning Staten Islander.
" When I grow up, I can be food critic for New Yorker? You can do anything you want in life.
Not everyone can write for The New Yorker, but there's always The Atlantic.
Diane, I'm concerned you're spending a lot of time with this sickly child.
Remember, you're supposed to be writing about me.
Sure, but isn't this why we're here? To help these people? I'm here to help these people.
You're here to help me help them by writing a book about me so people back home will give money to my foundation.
Great.
Okay, come on.
Over here.
Get it.
We're in.
It's too late to turn back now.
One of us isn't going to come out of this alive.
Why do you all keep saying that? Why can't we all assume we're gonna make it out alive and go from there? Alan, we've got enough problems without worrying about your imminent death.
Can't we just all shut up and do this? Why does everything have to be a big, complicated mess? Like, look at this Thomas Kinkade painting.
It's simple.
And serene.
And pleasant.
I think that the vest makes me look kind of chunky.
I don't do CrossFit five days a week to not look sweet in this uniform.
I swear to God, if you don't shut up about CrossFit Break-in at the Discount Fine Art Gallery at the strip mall.
Let's roll! That's a thing we say at CrossFit.
Remember when my character on Mr.
Peanutbutter's House was - elected president? - Let me guess, it was all a dream? No, I served half a term, then resigned because when Zachary had a bad time with peer pressure, I realized I was spending too much time being president and not enough time being a dad.
It's like you didn't even watch my show.
Okay, I'd like you here.
And then you are going to be over here.
- Freeze! - I'm union.
- Playing dead.
- Breaking and entering? That is against everything Nixon stood for.
We didn't mean to cause trouble.
We're trying to make a movie about Nixon.
Yeah? What, another leftist screed about how corrupt he was? - Uh - Or is it about how he had an illegitimate son, and the son never knew who his dad was, but always had a hunch it was Nixon, and then that son grew up to be the security guard at the Nixon Library? The second one? Well, if that's true, how come you don't have an actor here to play Nixon? Because we couldn't find anyone who could appropriately capture his magic.
You know, I do a pretty good Nixon.
You? No way.
Hello, I'm Nixon.
I can't be at your soccer game, but I am your father and I love you very much.
Oh, my God.
He's perfect.
We've found our Nixon.
I can be ready in five.
Uh.
Did we get the shot? It's so peaceful.
- Okay, folks.
- Aah! Party's over.
That's something we say at CrossFit.
Ugh.
Wait a sec I know you! You were in Justified.
You were amazing.
Okay, you caught me.
I am kind of a well-known character actress.
I am such a huge fan, Miss, uh What? What's your name? Sure, of course.
Everyone loves my work, but apparently not enough to watch the credits and find out what my name is.
The important thing is that we enjoy your great performances, right? - How about you enjoy this? Aah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Margo, I thought we agreed, no guns.
Oh, is that what we agreed to? I thought we said "no gum.
" But you're also chewing gum.
I'm a wild card.
- Aah! - Return fire! Watch out! Oh, no! Alan's dead! No, I'm fine.
The bullet hit my cell phone.
Oh, no! Alan's cell phone is dead! Nope, phone's fine, too.
Oh, hey, I got a text from my wife.
She's going into labor.
Guys, I'm gonna be a dad! See you later! Die, you chunky assholes! See, Jeff? This is what I'm talking about.
Shoot! Oh.
- How could this be any more perfect? - Yoo-hoo.
Vanessa Gekko.
How did you get in this painting? I'm your servant, of course.
In your infinite generosity, you gave me this job when it became clear that I don't have what it takes to be a "Hollywoo" power-agent.
Also, my husband left me.
And my children married each other in an unholy incestuous union.
Plus, I have, like, colitis or something.
How appropriate! Fetch me drink, wench.
- Right away, ma'am.
- Ah.
Diane The second thing you notice about Sebastian St.
Clair is how much he talks about himself.
This way is the library I built.
And over there is the statue of me building the library.
And on that wall is a painting of me posing for the statue.
- Put a chapter in your book about that.
- Uh-huh.
The only respite from his constant bombast is sleep, and even then, sometimes Everybody Those of you who can walk, I mean.
let's drag these corpses to the mass grave behind the playground.
We need to make room for my new hospital.
- Where's Kinko? Is he okay? - Oh, no, no, he's certainly dead.
See, Diane, I told you not to make friends.
Jesus, you don't care about any of these people.
You're just using them as props for your big-shot superhero act.
Diane, the dead will not benefit from our grief, but the survivors need a new hospital and we need to build it.
This is too much.
If you're going to survive, you'll need to harden up.
I asked you to join me because I thought you could handle it.
- But if you can't, you can go home.
- I I can handle it.
Great! Let's drag some bodies! Kinko! Oh, never mind.
Hey, um, how come Nixon gets a line and I don't get a line? We only gave him a line so he wouldn't call the police.
- If I call the police, will I get a line? - No, we won't use it in the movie.
We only need the one-shot of me.
I just think if he gets a line, I should get a line.
- Ugh.
Actors.
- Okay, positions everyone.
And action.
I'm Nixon.
The way you're feeling about your dead brother is how I feel about the son I'll never know.
But I look at the moon and so does he.
That's how I know we're connected.
And I'm Checkers.
All right, so, BoJack, you've been told that your brother, Jeffretariat, the one Nixon sent to Vietnam in your place, is dead.
You're feeling the weight of that guilt.
And the tears start to flow.
And the tears start to flow.
Oh.
I don't cry in front of other people.
Well, you need to.
This is the emotional climax of the movie.
Yeah, okay, but I don't cry in front of other people.
I can't.
Really, never? Come on.
What if someone tells you they'll take you to the park, and they keep talking about the park and all the fun you'll have, but then But then they don't take you to the park.
I need a second.
Well, I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I didn't know you wanted me to cry.
Can you give us the room, please? There's a park right outside we can hang out at.
- Oh! - Oh, we can't, the sprinklers are on.
Ah.
Well, another beautiful, serene day in magical fantasy-painting world.
Queen Princess Carolyn, if I may, I have some exciting news.
I just landed a new client.
- The mill owner! - Huh? We're doing a three-picture deal about his waterwheel.
- Wait, you're making deals here? - I'll say.
I'm now the biggest agent in the entire idyllic New England village.
It's like you don't even read the idyllic New England village trades.
What? No! You're polluting my perfect serene dream life.
Why is this happening? I don't know.
It's your fantasy.
But if you ask me, I don't think you want perfect and serene and enough time to catch up on The Good Wife.
Stop kidding yourself, Princess Carolyn.
If you really wanted the simple life, you'd have a simple life.
Oh, my God.
I gotta get out of here.
Bye! Hey.
Yeah, I got rid of her.
Now this place is all mine.
Get your demo guys together.
Let's tear this old Tudor down and put up some condos! Okay.
This isn't just for me.
It's for John Carroll Lynch, C.
C.
H.
Pounder, and all the other character actors who live in lucrative obscurity.
The blood I spill today is for us all! I'm character actress Margo Martindale! Yeah, I'm going to go with Princess Carolyn.
Hmm.
- Hello? - Hey.
There you are! I've been trying to call you all week.
- Yeah, the coverage in Cordovia is - Diane, Diane.
Listen, I gotta tell you: I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about your trip.
The truth is, I really am so proud of you.
A lot of people talk big, but you're actually out there helping people.
You're the real deal, Diane.
- Yeah - How is it there? Is it amazing? It's good.
It's hard, but it's good.
I miss you.
I miss you, too, but I promise, these six months are gonna fly by.
Yeah.
How's the game show going? Oh, shit, I completely forgot I'm supposed to be hosting a game show right now.
I gotta go.
And that's when you realize that the book you've been writing in your head is never actually going to be a book, so you stop I know what you're gonna say.
I'm a dumb sitcom actor who's in over his head.
I'm sorry that I thought I could do this.
And I'm sorry I made you come here.
I'm sorry for everything.
I don't know what I'm doing.
BoJack, sit down.
You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault.
But this moment is bigger than that.
This is the moment that Secretariat stops running.
Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed.
We got it.
Really? I didn't cry.
You didn't have to.
Turteltaub's gonna love this.
- Oh.
All right.
- Thanks for talking me into this.
Just so you know, I'm really glad we're making this movie together.
- Didn't know I had it in me, did you? - No, I knew.
Huh.
- Hold the elevator, please.
- Coming in? - I'm all in.
- Whoa! Mommy, it's nearly Christmas.
Where's Uncle Secretariat? He had to go win a race against the Russians.
But maybe, if he runs really fast - Hey, where's Kelsey? - Oh, yeah, funny story.
Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene - that's not in the movie anymore.
- Uh Silly me, I didn't like that.
So I fired her ass.
- What? - We got a movie to finish, okay? So, go get in costume, get your butt up that chimney, and do your thing, Hamlet.
Just maybe, all we have to do is believe! What are you doing here? Hey, is it cool if I crash here for a couple nights? I didn't know where else to go.
Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.