Brickleberry s02e09 Episode Script

Oh, where those your parents? Poor little guy.
Oh, well.
Time erases traumatic memories.
At least that's what my Scout Leader told me when he made me suck his Hmm Huh.
It does work.
Don't worry, little cub.
I'll take care of you.
Son, never forget us.
Never forget where you came from.
Googoo, gaa-gaa God damn, I'm good.
Malloy, what do you say we take a hike and connect with nature? I have all the nature I need right here.
Die, you worthless animals! Extinction achieved! So this shit was rated "E" for everyone, huh? Aah! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! Oh, God.
It's that day again.
It's Malloy's parents' murderversary.
Don't look guilty.
Don't look guilty.
- Steve? - Aah! I'm sorry! - Uh, for what? - Uh, uh Oh! For that.
Just wanted to apologize beforehand.
Apology accepted, Steve.
Steve, don't you ever hit Connie with a chair! Use the Connie club.
That's what it's there for.
Now listen up, Rangers.
It's April 22nd.
Also known as The day that Malloy's parents were killed! No.
Earth Day.
Jesus, Steve.
Why would you bring that up? Well, not because there's a horrible memory or crushing guilt weighing on me.
Oh, look at the time.
Ah! Woody, since when do you care about Earth Day? Since always, Ethel.
Earth is my planet.
And my planet is full of soupy dipshits who go to National Parks on Earth Day to pretend to give a flying sheep's queef about nature.
AKA, this is the day we makes da mad Benjamins.
Am I right, Denzel? Yeah, you would be, if this was the early '90s and you were black.
Actually, Denzel, it wasn't until the late '90s when "Benjamins" entered the black verna Oh! Denzel! It's three steps away! Ooh, almost had it.
My God! What is the point of this? It's for the environment, Ethel.
I'm trying to return this trout to its natural habitat that deep fryer.
Jackpot! Woody, this is a joke.
Your "celebration of nature" is destroying our park.
Ethel, that offends me.
Now shut up and help me oil up these pelicans.
Malloy! There's my best little orphaned friend.
What is up with you? Every year, around this time, you start acting weirder than usual.
Nonsense.
Here, I got you a card.
"So your parents died in a gruesome accident".
"Better luck next time".
Uh, how is this supposed to cheer me up? Sorry.
What else can I do? - How about stick your dick in a beehive? - On it.
- Honeybee or yellow jacket? - Whichever one's more aggressive.
Yellow jacket it is.
Huh, this isn't so bad.
It kind of tickles.
Aagh! Now it's bad! Aah! They're stinging my penis.
They are really stinging my penis! Something must have pissed them off.
Oh! Wow, that actually cheered me up more than I thought it would.
Okay.
I'll stick with it.
Well, time to do my part for the environment.
Well, not only is it quiet, it's the safest car on the ro aah! This really is quiet.
They can't even hear me coming.
What? Malloy, it's Steve.
I'm calling from the hospital.
Turns out I'm allergic to yellow jackets.
The good news is, my penis is now 13 inches - Wide.
- Feel free to never call me again, okay? Ah.
This is the life.
Hello, bear.
We need to talk.
Jessica Simpson? Oh, so this is the animal that thinks he is a human.
Hello, human.
Can we get you some answering machine? Or perhaps a McBurger King? Is this, like, a is this Tyler Perry humor? - Because I do not get it.
- Silence! Look at these animals that you drove upon with your fuel-efficient death machine.
I didn't see a single animal crossing sign.
- So whose fault's that? - Screw you, human lover.
Let me eat this pussy, boss.
Easy, Joe Wolf.
No one will be eating pussy today.
Ah, man.
The bear is not to blame.
The humans made him this way.
I am Moose Nazir, leader of the animals.
Welcome to my humble home.
Please, bring this honored guest our finest foods.
So all your other foods are worse than this? Come now, this is a great delicacy for an animal.
I harvest these larvae myself, from the anus of a magnificent elk carcass.
I just had the bottomless bowl of ass maggots at the Olive Garden.
Sorry, I am gonna oh, I gotta go home.
To the human world? You don't belong there.
What is so wrong with this place? Um, ass maggots.
Fair enough.
You are free to go.
I just thought you might want to know what really happened to your parents.
My parents were accidentally killed by a tourist.
Huh? Killed by a tortoise? No, a tourist.
Who you calling a tourist, you uppity little bitch? I've lived here for 273 years.
I did blow off Sacagawea's ass! Oh, you poor, misguided bear.
You live, eat, sleep among the human Rangers.
And yet you don't know that one of your beloved Rangers murdered your parents! What? That's impossible.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Holy shit.
Who was it? I don't know.
They all look the same to me.
I know which one it was.
- The purple one.
- Wolves are color-blind, Joe Wolf! You don't know what the [Bleep.]
you're talking about.
- He sounded purple.
- How could they? Feel the anger surge through your veins.
Let it overtake you.
I want blood.
As dipping sauce for ass maggots, right? No, for revenge.
Well, revenge is a dish best served with ass maggots.
Seriously, just try one of these ass maggots.
I just don't get it.
Why would a ranger kill my parents? Because humans are evil.
This injuries are just from the Earth Day celebration.
Our doctors have been working around the clock.
Give me your report, Dr.
Gooseniak.
Hmm, this fox has a serious head wound.
Lick it.
This skunk has a severely broken leg.
Lick it.
And this raccoon has a sprained penis.
Gary, you've sprained your penis every day this week.
What can I say? I lead an active life.
Now make with the licking.
Humans have always mistreated animals.
What can I do to help? Malloy, you are the only one that can communicate our demands to those filthy humans.
Take up our cause, and I promise you vengeance for your parents.
I'll do it.
Oh, I just remembered.
I also sprained my balls.
The bad news is, the yellow jackets that burrowed up my pee hole made a nest out of my prostate.
Jesus, what's the good news? - I'm pissing honey.
- Yuck! Wow, Malloy.
You look so serious.
Everything all Silence, human.
Malloy, what's wrong? You've never called Connie human before.
Because that's what you all are.
And we have a lot of problems with humans.
Oh, yeah? Who's "we"? Did you make some new furry friends? Good for you.
Here's a list of all of our demands.
Aw, that's cute.
"Stop polluting.
No more motor vehicles.
And more hot, wet goat cooter"? Hell, yeah! I mean, how did that get on there? I mean, baa.
Malloy, that is a bunch of adorable, time-wasting nonsense.
- Anything else? - Yes.
Turn over the ranger who killed my parents.
A ranger killed your parents? Impossible! No ranger could do something so cruel.
Right, Steve? Steve, shut up.
You sound like Adele walking up a flight of stairs.
- Sorry.
- So Woody, do we have a deal? Aw, daddy's little fuzzy wuzzy wants to be a commie.
What're you gonna do if we don't comply with all your wittle bittie demands? Strike? How the hell do animals go on strike? Uh, yeah, I probably should have offered to help with those signs.
Hey! You! Where are you going? You just got here.
Hey, no one wants to go to a park without animals.
Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.
Yeah! What'd she say? You two! Go round us up some animals who aren't afraid to cross a picket line.
Scabs? You want us to get you scab animals? Don't think of them as scabs.
Think of them as improvements.
You know, like when Jar Jar kicked that Star Wars franchise into hyperspace.
Swims like a fish, talks like a slave.
It's brilliant! How did George come up with that? Oh, he's a [Bleep.]
genius.
Oops.
My bad.
- I didn't mean to kill an animal.
- It's okay.
Fish are assholes.
You are learning well, young cub.
And for that, I want to give you a gift.
Awesome.
Lay it on me, Naz.
Oh, what is happening right now? You gotta be kidding me! Moose Nazir has never let another animal sniff his butt.
Do you have any idea what a big honor this is? - No? - You ungrateful bastard.
Let me get in there, boss.
I'll sniff you good.
I'll get in so deep, you'll be shittin' boogers for a month.
No, Joe Wolf.
This honor is reserved for the son I never had.
I'm an animal.
This is what animals do.
Just do it.
Oh what an honor.
Oh.
Oh, you like it? Please.
Grab a sniff for the road.
Scab animals? Has Woody lost his goddamn mind? Yes, but this is an opportunity to help neglected and abused animals.
We can give them the life they deserve.
Like this hungry little kitty.
Ow! Bastard! Look at that man just abusing his dog.
Making him wear an Arizona Cardinals jersey.
Excuse me, Sir.
Would you happen to have the time? - Why, yes, it's - Your dog's a frozen turkey.
Oh, my God! Then what did I put in the oven? What's all this? I'm going through all the old park's security footage to prove our innocence.
Well, good luck making your way through countless hours of Hey, look at this.
It's a tape from the same day Malloy ended up on our doorstep.
Wow, Steve.
You sound like Adele going down on me.
Is everything okay? No.
No, it's not.
The jig is up, Connie.
There's something I need to admit.
Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room? Meesa like.
Meesa like you.
Oh Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy! Stop.
Stop.
Don't stop.
Don't oh.
Ah.
Oh, that feels good.
Jesus Christ! When I said "scab animals," I didn't mean animals with scabs on 'em! Does that cat have feline AIDS? Nah, just regular AIDS.
Well, there's nothing wrong with the poodle.
He's over there picketing! This is a disaster! The tourists are all gone! The strike is working.
Soon, they'll give into our demands and turn over the prick who killed my parents.
Patience, my son.
The strike was just a device to get the Rangers alone and vulnerable.
It's time for phase two.
Make them smell your ass? No.
Kill them.
All of them! You know what will help that cough? A quick butt sniff.
What the [Bleep.]
, Joe Wolf? You trying to sneak a sniff? No, boss.
I just lost my car keys.
I thought I saw 'em in your butt.
All right, Ethel.
We tried it your way.
Now we're gonna try it my way.
Give me 100 unmarked, non-consecutive puppies.
And don't try to give me the ones with the dye packs, I'm onto you, mother[Bleep.]
! Wow, crime does pay.
You think we have enough? We should.
We knocked over 2 zoos, Goddamn puppy dye pack! We will kill the humans, you will have your revenge, but we won't stop there.
We will punish any animal who associates with human things.
Ah, Neil.
How are you, my friend? Just chillin' like a motherbucker.
What's up with you, Moose N? You haven't been enjoying any human food, have you? Maybe rooting around in the trash can? You know this is against our rules.
No way.
I hate human food.
- Ah, shit! - Kill him.
Oh, no! Oh! Oh, it hurts! Whoa, I did not realize you guys were this intense.
That's right.
I even ordered the tiger hit on Siegfried and Roy.
Wow.
I thought that tiger just hated magicians like everyone else.
I cannot believe they killed Neil for eating a doughnut.
I just need to calm down, relax.
No more human stuff.
Right after I beat Gears of War And eat a king-sized Snicker bar And this buffalo chicken pizza And get a happy ending from this Filipino hooker.
Looks like someone's sniffed his last Moose ass.
Nice.
"The key to being a safe driver" Oh, my God! Wait.
You're both still alive.
I'll go call for help.
Aah! Ugh, I can't keep living like this.
I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.
Connie, wake up.
Aah! Ugh! Sorry.
What's going on, Steve? There's something I need to show you.
Steve, that's so sweet, but this is something I've never told anyone before.
I'm gay.
Oh, my God.
It feels so good to finally say it.
What a burden lifted.
That's not why I'm here.
It's this.
Look at me.
I'm Connie.
I'm driving.
Oops! I hit something.
Dum dee dum dum dum dum.
Bang! Shot Malloy's parents.
I'm so stupid.
Oh, no.
It was me.
I killed Malloy's parents.
I need to confess to him right now! But those animals might kill you.
It's what I deserve.
Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name and save my life.
Hmm, not that I'm aware of.
What have I done? They're gonna kill Connie.
Screw that fat bitch.
Who cares if they kill her? What about you? Hello? Is anyone there? I don't know, man.
Just do what he said.
What up, my brethren? I can't believe you would hurt me like this.
Uh oh.
Somebody's in trouble.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
So you didn't spend all day on your boxed "X" playing queers of whore? I can honestly say no to that.
And to think I opened my anus to you.
I'm sorry, Moose Nazir.
Please, it will never happen again.
Attention, animals.
- I am - A bloated, ginger she beast! But also completely innocent.
That first part was kind of mean.
No, Connie, it was honesty, and that's what we need right now.
Malloy, I did it.
I killed your parents.
I should have known.
You're dead, Steve.
Good.
Redeem yourself.
Allow your animal instincts to take control.
Eat his face off.
I'm sorry.
It just sounded like you said, "eat his face off".
- I did.
- I'm sorry.
It just sounded like you said, "I did".
What? Wait, wait, wait.
This is crazy.
- Did you just nod? - Do it! Hey, this might not be the right time, but are you Khloe Kardashian? You're nowhere near as ugly as you are on television.
And that's the whole story Malloy.
You expect me to believe that you tripped, shot two bears through the head with one bullet? I know.
Imagine how surprised your parents were.
Come on, Malloy bear.
Do it.
Show us you are a true animal.
For once you eat his face, you can never go back! Do it! Malloy, I deserve to be eaten alive.
Here's some Arby's horsey sauce packets that I think would go great with my face.
Do it now! Uh, uh Uh, ah Uh Ugh, I can't eat his face.
You sure I should eat him raw? Can't I get salmonella? Proof you are a human lover! So what if I am? I like my life.
I belong with the humans.
And if that bothers you, I guess you'll just have to kill all of us.
All right.
Let's kill all of them.
Ooh, I suck at ultimatums.
Look! Johnny Depp! Where? Where is Johnny Depp? Connie, do something! Here.
What should we do now? Let's start with Connie putting a shirt back on.
Where the hell did all those stupid animals go? Hey, I'm ready to negotiate! - Here they are! - Where? Aah! Ow! Now, my little furry friend.
This is how you eat a face.
Ah Stop! I didn't want it to come to this, but you've left me with no choice.
Attack, my children! Ow! Ah! No, no, them! Aah! Them! Attack them! Ha! You missed! You had a gun the whole time? Well, I gotta say, Ethel.
You do put on a better Earth Day celebration than me.
I hope we all learned a valuable lesson That everyone needs to respect nature and be nicer to animals.
Or, when you do kill an animal, replace it with a robot.
Well, it's that day again, Malloy.
I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I did.
Ah, don't worry about it, Steve.
After all, if you didn't kill my parents, I wouldn't be watching bum fights, eating this microwave corn dog right now.
Animals don't know what they're missing.
Well, I guess I did you a favor, huh? Sure.
And as a thank you, I got you a surprise.
Mom? Dad? And now we're even.