Carter (2018) s02e09 Episode Script
Harley Doesn't Get His Man
1 The first time I came to this place, I wondered how a place so beautiful, so perfect could make me so sad.
Eventually I figured out it, it's because I had no one to share it with.
I feel like I know you so well, but I don't know you at all.
Tuesday can't come soon enough.
(WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECT ON PHONE) (LOON CALLING) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) MAN (IN DISTANCE:) Drop it! Drop it! Oh my God.
No! No! No! (SCREAMING) Guy out with his metal detector this morning found the body.
Metal detector guy check out? Oh, yeah.
Barn Phillips he splits his leisure time between metal detecting and blackout drinking.
Is he known to get violent on his way to blackout? Sir, the only thing that Barn is murdering is his liver.
Okay, Shaw SAM: Yeah.
What's it going to take to get you to stop calling me "sir"? Well, you could step down, make me the chief, that would do it.
I cannot, in good conscience, turn over the reins to someone who hasn't taken their marksmanship recertification test.
- That this week? - This week is the last week, yes.
There are slots Wednesday at six, Thursday at eight.
Actually, I'm going in tonight at nine.
What times work for you? Uh, Thursday at eight, you said, and Wednesday at six I mean, I come to think of it, I could I could probably do tonight.
Yeah, I could I can make that work.
Yup.
Great.
Tonight.
I'll book us in.
Great.
SAM: What do we got? Male, mid-to-late twenties.
Initial examination shows evidence of blunt force trauma to the back of the head.
Identification? Not yet.
We did find a cell phone a few feet away, but we haven't been able to unlock it yet.
No other ID on him, I did find something interesting, though.
More interesting than a bubble-wrapped body? About even, I'd say.
Um, you know, some people have this weird fetish where they they need to pop these things.
Not me, but some (POPPING) See, I can stop at one.
Mm-hmm.
- Wes? - (CLEARING THROAT) I found this tucked into the waistband of his jeans.
- Calling card? - You think? BOYLE: I don't know, but if it's calling card, it could indicate more to come.
Yeah, more we haven't found yet.
Could we take a look? I was just waiting for you two.
Little help? SAM: Well, I don't recognize him.
We're gonna have to get into that phone.
(POPPING) I don't feel good about that one.
(SIGHING) - You know what surprises me? - What? That we walked into a genuinely interesting mystery and there's no sign of Harley Carter.
Well, if it's as interesting as you say it is, he will be up to his neck in it by the second act.
Yeah, you're starting to talk like him.
Oh, I know.
(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, is that little girl still giving me the stink eye? DAVE: Oh, yeah.
Big time.
Yeah, well, tough.
I got to this horse first, I won it fair and square.
Hey, not that I don't love getting chicken pox, but, uh, is there a reason why we're here right now? I got a message last night on one of the Call Carter message boards from a potential client saying to meet him here.
It was signed "Precocious Eight-year-old.
" Could be any one of these people.
I'm thinking maybe the red-haired kid back there.
He looks a little suspicious.
The one that's eating his snot? - Are you kidding me? There's no way.
- Shh, be cool.
Be cool.
Be cool.
VOICE: Psst.
Hey, did we just get "psst-ed" at? Ah! Hey! - HARLEY: It's Vijay! - Hey, guys! Vijay, when did you get back into town? Yesterday! Why didn't you call us? WOMAN: Hey, you can't do that! Hey.
I did, I sent you a note.
I'm the Precocious eight-year-old.
- You're the client? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hop on horse, man! Come on! - Let's go.
That's a very bad idea.
Can you stop this? Sorry, buddy.
Harley paid for a whole hour.
I'm just surprisingly unfit.
Take my hand! (GRUNTING, THUDDING) Ouch! Ow.
- Why all the secrecy? - It's bad.
- It's really bad.
- Well, how bad can it be? Well, try Call Carter episode 308 kind of bad.
You killed Jeff Probst the host of Survivor? Was that episode 308? No, no.
What was the one where Blake Shelton falls in love online, then is falsely accused of killing her? You fell in love with someone who's now dead? No, no, no, no, and maybe.
You know how I monitor the Call Carter message boards? - Of course.
Who doesn't? - I don't.
Well, there was this one guy I was talking to @jitterjuicejoe and that one night, well, it turned into two nights Oh, you fell in love online.
I don't know.
I've never done anything like this before and he was special.
Yeah, and he was from Bishop, unlike the fakes and flakes in Hollywood.
So, yeah, I got my hopes up.
And I hopped on a plane yesterday and we were supposed to meet last night, but, um he didn't show up.
And then, you found him dead? No, I didn't find him at all! I don't know his name.
He was @jitterjuicejoe and I was always @BrownSugar.
If anything happened to him, @BrownSugar's gonna be all over his phone.
No, no, not exactly.
When we finally got around to exchanging photos, I sent him a photo of you and I at Mo Better Meaty Meat Burgers.
You know, the one where I had perfect hair.
I remember it.
You looked amazing.
What's your point? Well, he looked at the picture and got confused.
Oh my God.
He thought he was flirting with Harley Carter - on the message boards.
- Yeah.
You tricked someone into falling in love with me? - 'Cause that's Harley's job.
- I liked him so much, I didn't want to tell him the truth.
If you like someone that much, that's exactly when you're supposed to tell them the truth.
I know, I know.
And now he's gonna hate me.
And either he's dead or not, I don't know, but I'm gonna be accused of murder and I don't know what to do! I'm freaking out right now, Harley! Just calm down, Vijay.
Calm down.
Yeah.
Okay, can I be this guy? Do you think maybe it's possible that this is just a case of he's just not that into you and you got ghosted? - (LAUGHING) Oh, Dave, come on.
- What? The guy thought he was meeting me.
Of course he's gonna show up.
Come back when you have something that's useful.
Vijay, don't worry.
We'll find this guy and he'll be fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
You think we're gonna let anything happen to the man who loves me? Hey, Dot, Vijay's gonna crash with us for a little while.
He's gonna sleep on the couch.
Or I could get your old crib.
Well, I'm taller than you.
I'm only three feet tall, so I wouldn't sound so proud.
Dave Leigh, I need to speak to you for a second.
Oh Dave's in trouble.
Nah, she's all bark.
- DOT: David! Now! - Okay.
All right, Vijay, tell me whether you know about @jitterjuicejoe, and don't say he's wonderful 'cause there's a million Mr.
Wonderfuls out there, no one's ever gonna hook up with them.
Job? Yes, but I don't know what it is.
Okay.
Family? I know he has a mom.
Thank you.
That narrows it down to the entire human race.
What did you two talk about? Everything.
Yeah, I know his favourite song, it's "Mr.
Blue Sky.
" I know he loves his dad, but doesn't know whether he likes him.
I know he wants to make his mark on the world, but also hates that he wants to make his mark on the world.
I know tons! Come on, I need real clues here.
Think.
- He sent me a video from his apartment.
- Let's go.
Hey, uh, can you keep the cops out of this? - Why? - Because if something did happen, I'd be the number one suspect.
No.
I would be the number one suspect.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, for like two seconds, then it'd be all Vijay, all the time.
And then, the agency will find out I'm not in Aspen, pitching Topher Grace and they will fire me.
You have to promise no police, a Harley Carter promise.
I promise.
Okay.
All right, let's see this.
It isn't much, but it's home.
I haven't let anyone inside since Mark, but I I think I'm ready, so come over.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Bye.
- Who's Mark? - Uh, his last boyfriend.
Yeah, he, uh he broke Jitterjuicejoe's heart.
You didn't think last boyfriend was more important than "Mr.
Blue Sky"? Now, we watch it again.
It isn't much, but Yeah, I'd be happy to drive you into town, but what's wrong with your car? I might need a getaway driver.
Uh, we're not robbing any banks, are we? 'Cause fool me once I just need someone and it can't be Harley.
Will you do it? Yeah, yeah, of course.
But you didn't say we're not robbing any banks.
Hey, where are you going? DOT: I don't answer to you! Sam? They unlocked this phone we found near the crime scene.
Anything interesting? I'm gonna say yes.
Uh, it belongs to a guy named Ben Lyndecker.
Should I know that name? Maybe.
Can I read you a text? - Yeah.
- "I can't swim, but I'm ready to drown in you.
" It's a little cheesy, but the sentiments are lovely.
Point, please? There's tons of these and they're all from Harley Carter, who sometimes calls himself @BrownSugar.
What? "You're a mystery I look forward to solving.
" Eww! Harley?! Are you messing with me? - No.
- No.
(GASPING) Oh, well, that was just that was more graphic than I had expected.
- HARLEY: I know where @jitterjuicejoe lives.
- VIJAY: How? You would know too, if you weren't just pretending to be me.
You see, you watch this video with only one of your senses.
I watched with all five of mine and a sixth sense that I haven't come up with a cool name for yet.
Okay, first things first, that - (CLANKING) - that's a garbage truck.
By the timecode, we can see this video was taken on a Tuesday morning.
So, we look up what neighbourhoods in Bishop that gets its garbage picked-up on Tuesday morning.
Next up, you hear that? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - An elevator.
- Right.
So, what are we looking for? VIJAY: Apartment building.
Nice.
Now, look at the coffee mug.
It says "Phil's Fuels.
" There are three Phil's Fuels in Bishop, but one in a neighbourhood that gets its garbage picked up on Tuesdays mornings.
- Okay.
I'm impressed.
- I'm not done.
See the light coming through the window? Now, this church steeple across the street, the light gets blocked only on the first floors, so, we're looking at the second floor, but I already knew that.
What? How? Look at your boy.
On the windowsill, right in back of him? All right, let's go in and see if anyone's home.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I'm wrong? What if he found out I'm not you and Dave's right and I'm just being ghosted? Vijay, whatever we find up there is gonna to be the truth or at least get us one step closer to the truth, and that's always a good thing.
No, no.
That's easy for you to say 'cause you're you.
Being Harley Carter is only two thirds amazing natural ability and one third having the confidence in that amazing natural ability.
You know what, Vijay? Show me your confident walk.
Come on, do it.
Yes.
Work.
Supermodel walking.
Yes! Confidence, here we go.
Keep going.
Vijay are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's working! Sashay.
Chante.
Vijay, come! What? Okay, now that we're in, how do we get inside Ben's apartment? Vijay, you mistake me for a man with a plan.
That's Matt Leblanc.
I never go in prepared, there's no fun in that.
Things and people always have a way of revealing themselves.
Oh, hey.
See what I'm talking about? Ma'am, Ma'am I am - Hi.
- Harley Carter, I know who you are, and I know why you're here.
I know all about you because Ben's told me all about you.
Oh.
All good things I hope.
Otherwise, I hope you don't have a Twitter account.
This is my good buddy.
He may have killed someone.
No.
Are you here to see Ben? Because I haven't seen him lately.
Maybe for a couple days.
I'm the neighbour.
I'm Roz.
I'm always around here.
I know, kind of like a character in a TV show, huh? No, no, no.
Those character are always annoying, you know, crazy, statement jewellery, that's not you.
Any idea where we might find Ben? Well, I thought that he was with you because he told me you had a date.
He's a good boy, so please don't play with his heart.
Oh, yeah, I'll be kind to him.
I'm a very generous lover.
We were supposed to meet up, but he never showed and now I'm worried.
Well, tell you what, I water his plants when he's away, so I do have a key.
Whoa.
It's perfect.
Nice.
Feels so weird being in your potential boyfriend's house before you've met your actual boyfriend.
- It's perfect.
- (BEEPING) (SNIFFING) What is that ungodly smell? Yeah, and the beeping.
(BEEPING) It's an alarm clock.
The lessons continue.
What does that tell us? The snooze button's broken.
I don't know.
Wait, where are you going? HARLEY: I am following my nose to the source of that remarkable smell.
- (WATER SLOSHING) - Ugh.
Ooh.
This was in the sink.
Probably put in there to thaw.
I'd say it's a little past due.
This is the apartment of someone who 100% was meant to come home.
But didn't.
(PHONE RINGING) No, no, no.
Dude, don't don't answer that.
(PHONE RINGING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT:) Hello? This is Detective Sam Shaw from Bishop P.
D.
Am I speaking with Ben Lyndecker? No, this is the Leif Gunterbloom.
I am a travel writer, writing about the topiaries here in Bishop.
Harley.
What is going on? Man! What gave me away? Was it the topiaries? Little too quirky.
Why are you answering Ben Lyndecker's phone? Put him on.
Um, he's not home right now.
Then why are you doing in his apartment? And Harley, that is the first of many questions I have for you.
Um, maybe I should come down.
- Maybe?! - Oh.
Okay, you can't tell her I'm here.
Okay? You made a promise.
I'll try to.
You stay here in case he shows up.
Wait, wait, no.
What if he does show up? I don't know what to say! Also, this is not the outfit I pictured myself wearing.
We don't have time to buy you a fireman's outfit right now.
We want him to show up, it means he's alive.
I know, but I don't know what Harley You're gonna do great.
Just don't touch anything.
(SIGHING) Hi, Ben.
Hey, Vijay here.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I'd be disappointed too.
(SIGHING) Whoa Oh, crap.
You think you can just drag me in here, rake me over the coals and treat me like I'm some two-bit hoodlum? Like we haven't had a history, Sam? Harley, you were the one who insisted on doing this in here.
I was perfectly fine at my desk.
I just wanted to see what it was like on this side of the table.
Wow, it's a whole different energy! You know? I never get cast as criminals.
I guess it's the dimples Harley, Ben Lyndecker's phone was found at a crime scene, - near a body.
- A body? We're 100% sure it was not Ben's body? Yes, but there could be a connection between that body and this phone.
Can I see the body? No, but you can see the phone because there are tons of gushingly romantic texts from you.
"We haven't even met and I feel like you know me better than most of my so-called friends.
Like you see the real me, the version that I hope to be.
" - I didn't write that.
- I know.
I called Ben's work.
They haven't seen him in three days.
They are very worried.
There is clearly a connection between the body at the beach and your missing person.
So, Harley, no more games.
Your client could be that connection.
He isn't.
(DOOR OPENING) VIJAY: I'm the client.
SAM: Vijay, what what the hell is going on? I'm @BrownSugar.
Well, technically, I am @BrownSugar.
Ben Lyndecker and I were sort of pre-dating online.
But there was some confusion and he thought that I was Harley.
And you didn't correct him.
I messed up, yes.
But we were supposed to meet up and I was going to come clean, but he never showed.
Well, his phone was found beside a dead body.
Not Ben's body.
But we need to know everything that you know.
Well, that's why I'm here.
I think I have a suspect.
I found this.
It's a restraining order filed by Ben against a Mark Turner.
- The ex-boyfriend.
- Apparently, but he never said anything about a restraining order.
Okay.
Well, I need to run this, find out who and where this guy is.
This is good.
Stay close.
This might be the break that we need.
Oh, Vijay, I'm glad you met someone.
Well, technically, I met someone, but yeah, congrats, Vijay.
Hey, so, uh, what do we do now? We don't do anything.
I am going back to the apartment.
You are going to my house to relax.
Relax?! How?! (DAVE EXHALING SHARPLY) DAVE: Okay, we're here.
Now, can you tell me why? You cannot tell this to Harley.
Promise.
Okay.
I promise.
I'm having coffee with a man.
Don't say anything! It's too early.
I can't do this.
Drive.
- (ENGINE STARTING) - Stop.
This is ridiculous.
I'm a young woman, and this is what Koji would have wanted.
He told me so.
I need adult, human conversation.
I can't sit at home, listening to you and Harley argue about Pizza Pockets vs.
Hot Pockets every night.
So, a person showed me how to use an online dating service.
I was only on for one day and someone asked me for a coffee because, obviously, I'm hot stuff.
I let him dangle for two weeks, but last night I said yes.
I think this is the right thing to do, and then I think about Harley finding out and I think it's the wrong thing to do.
Dot, Dot, Dot, it's just coffee! That's it.
You deserve to real conversation and connecting with someone.
And I'm proud of you for this.
And everybody knows it's all about the Hot Pockets, okay? End of debate.
Now, go.
Get out of here.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Wait for a minute just in case he's a psycho.
(CHUCKLING) Like you can't handle a psycho.
True.
Go.
Yeah.
Okay.
(EXHALING SHARPLY) - Oh.
- Hey.
Something's really happening and you're investigating, and I know exactly what you're thinking.
I'd love to know what I'm thinking.
You're thinking, "Oh, yeah, here she is, the nosy neighbour, huh, pretending to ask all the innocent questions, but really she knows something and she's asking questions to figure out what you know.
" I honestly wasn't thinking that.
But now you are.
And the longer I talk, the more suspicious it seems.
And now, if I say I don't know anything, it's really going to look like I know something.
And, hey, how 'bout me having the key to Ben's apartment at the ready? Huh? You think I did it, don't you? - Did what? - Whatever it is you think I did.
Hey.
Remember when you said you're like the neighbour down the hall in all those TV shows? Not true.
You've already had way too many lines.
Those people don't never get this much screen time.
Thank you.
(PHONE RINGING) VIJAY: Hello? Hey, Vijay, when you were here, you didn't happen to leave a gun on the table, did you? Gun? What? No.
Of course not.
And I would tell you.
Did you take a bath in my tub? You told me to relax! And how did you know? Either swapped faces with John Travolta or you're wearing my Brazilian mahogany nut skin conditioning mask.
You know how expensive those things are? Okay, now that is crazy.
How could you possibly Because I'm a detective and the way you said the word "relax", it sounded like your face was in a vice.
Can you tell me what I'm doing right now? - Uh - No, you can't, because you only have five senses! (TOILET FLUSHING) Hey.
- I know who you are.
- Harley Carter.
You're in that root beer commercial, right? Roobidoo's Root Beer.
The Cadillac of root beers.
Cadillac of root beers, yeah.
Who are you? Dennis.
Dennis.
I'm a real real, real old friend of Ben's.
And I heard he might be in trouble, so I wanted to come by, see if I could help.
Yeah, same here, same here.
This is great.
Two heads are better than one.
You search that side of the apartment I'll search this side.
Sure.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Yep.
Oh.
Made you look.
Are you under the impression that I walked into your trap? Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, okay? I'm not much of a shot, but six feet isn't much of a distance.
Yeah, but what would you say if I told you there are no bullets in that gun? I would ask you why why did you bring a gun that didn't have bullets? Because I I was trying to scare you.
Away from Ben.
I'm trying to help Ben.
By getting into his pants? (CHUCKLING) I have zero interest in the contents of Ben's slacks.
Hey, listen, man.
Easy.
I have a sixth sense, okay? I call it my "Harley Sense-o-Rama.
" Huh? I guess there were bullets in that gun.
Oops.
Damn you, Sense-o-Rama! What have you done with Ben?! - What have I done with Ben?! - ROZ: Oh my! What have you done with Ben?! (GRUNTING) Did I get him? Did I get him? You gotta stop kicking me! Oh, well, I don't think I like that tone very much.
I'm trying to help you, Harley.
But you know what? I have taken self defence classes.
You just gotta meet me halfway! Oh, I think I did get you there.
Sorry, Harley.
(SCREAMING) He's biting me! That's exactly what I learned in self defence.
Just call the cops, please! Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMING) Come on.
Come on.
BOYLE: Look, I'm no Dr.
Phil, but a restraining order is a very clear signal that the relationship is over.
Where were you Saturday night? Oh, you mean when Harley Carter's goons kidnapped Ben? - I'm sorry? - Yeah, I was at the lake that night.
- Stalking Ben.
- I was protecting Ben, because I knew he got involved with this Hollywood sleazoid guy.
And to be honest with you, I'm the one who loves Ben.
Let's get back to these goons.
Two guys.
It was dark, okay, I couldn't hear them, but I I heard Ben scream.
And then, I heard a scuffle.
And you didn't even try to stop them from taking the man you "love"? Excuse me? It all happened so fast.
Okay? And to be honest with you, that is exactly why I bought a gun, 'cause I could rescue Ben.
His story stinks.
Your story stinks, Mark.
We know something happened at the lake and my money is on you being in the middle of it.
Refalski! I want you to take this guy away and let him think about the error of his ways.
We'll talk to him again when he's got his story straight.
You can't do that because I actually didn't do anything.
Are you kidding me? - Illegal possession of a firearm.
- Violation of a restraining order.
And you messed with someone on my list.
You do not get to walk away from that.
- Get him out of here.
- You don't know love! Sorry.
It's hard for me to maintain my neutral with that guy.
Yeah, well, I'll, uh, make sure that I don't mess with anyone on your list.
What makes you think you're not on my list? - Hey.
- Hey.
You heard all that? - I I don't think he did it.
- Mark? He's insane, but his insane logic tracks.
When we were fighting he was convinced that I had Ben.
So, we have just two mystery voices.
Not just.
Wes just texted.
He's got a lead on the bubble wrap from your body by the lake.
SAM: What were they doing in a box factory? They actually wrapped the body in a clue to the crime scene.
Yeah, I think we can eliminate criminal masterminds off of our suspect list.
They jimmied the back door, so they knew this place was abandoned.
Oh! Bubble wrap.
Ah, Sam, you remember this place? Oh, yeah.
We used to have all our marching band after parties here.
- (HARLEY POPPING BUBBLE) - Don't do that.
You were in a marching band? Yeah.
It was a thing.
Nobody parties like a marching band.
Full disclosure and this doesn't leave this room three years of figure skating.
Mom had a dream.
So, if you need a grown ass black man to do a triple Lutz, I'm your guy.
Chief Yamaguchi.
Anyone here play Texas Hold'em? I will play with you, I just won't play with her.
Once in a while I get lucky.
Yeah, well I'm not too shabby myself.
I will gladly lose $500 to watch you lose $500.
Shaw, what do you see? I see, these two folded early Serious pot and why wouldn't it be? Got a two and three of diamonds on the flop.
Six of diamonds on the river.
Anybody with a diamond is riding this one down.
Well, this guy was bluffing hard.
This would be the dealer Two pair.
Jacks over fours.
All these diamonds floating around on the table, and he's sticking in it with two pair? Here it is.
Four of diamonds.
Harley, the body that we found had a five of diamonds on it.
What? (POPPING BUBBLE WRAP) Sorry, I just wanted to do that for dramatic effect.
So, the guy has a five of diamonds in his pocket hoping to draw a straight flush? Nah, that's a one in a million shot.
But if the dealer is cheating, he palms the five of diamonds to keep the straight flush out of the opponent's hand.
- Nice! - I told you I played cards.
- HARLEY: And figure skated.
- And I am a detective.
Try playing one on TV.
SAM: Except the cheater got caught cheating.
This guy reached across the table, knocking over this beer Drunken shoving dude match ensues.
Dealer dies from blunt force trauma to the head.
How does this tie to Ben Lyndecker? I mean, yeah, on a Saturday, but it can't be a coincidence.
Yeah, well, maybe the prints in here will turn up something.
So, what's our next move? I'm gonna go take another look at Ben Lyndecker's phone.
My Harley Sense-o-Rama is tingling.
(POPPING) I feel like I know you so well, but I don't know you at all.
Tuesday cannot come soon enough.
What's your sixth sense saying? Telling you to let me concentrate on this.
Why didn't you tell me you were single ready to mingle? I uh, because I didn't think you cared.
I know a guy who likes guys like you.
Oh, he likes Indian guys.
No, he likes guys he can lift up.
You know, like a doll.
HARLEY: Button up for a sec, 'cause I think I just found something that's gonna crack this case wide open! This is the last selfie that Ben took.
- So? - No.
He's alive.
Well, I mean, the photo is live.
I present to you our missing poker players.
We were looking for a connection when there wasn't one.
Ben was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
He saw them with the dead dealer.
So, they grabbed him.
We pulled a ton of prints from the poker game.
No matches.
These guys might be first timers.
If they're not stone cold killers, it means there's still a chance, just a chance that Ben is more than just a live photo.
Sam, I've got the tiniest little bell ringing in my head.
Do you recognize them? Something is on the tip of my brain.
Who are you guys? You killed him and we were wasted at the time.
So, let's get wasted and do it again.
(MUFFLED PLEADING) My boyfriend is looking for me.
Let him look.
Last I checked, it's a big world.
My boyfriend is Harley Carter.
Do you know who Harley Carter is? Yeah, yeah.
We know Harley Carter.
Yeah, he's one of the world's greatest detectives.
We are not fans.
Well, he is real and he is coming for me.
You know what's real? Is that Harley Carter is the richest detective in the world.
Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.
Harley Carter probably has, like, fifty grand in his pants pocket at all times.
We get that money and we don't have to kill anybody.
We could just take off to, uh Vegas, huh? Penthouse suite at Caesar's? Vegas.
Oh, man, just make the reservation right now.
(LAUGHING) - And if that doesn't work.
- Yeah? Well, then we'll kill him.
No, no.
This whole Topher Grace thing is news to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I never noticed his ears.
But, look, I I, yeah, I'm just sticking around here to develop a movie idea.
Yeah, with Harley.
It's it's very modern, very Catfish-ey.
We are hoping for a happy ending, but You're not Harley Carter.
No, no.
I'm his agent.
Perfect.
We want you to negotiate a deal for us.
I think we can do it the easy way or the hard way.
What's the hard way, Dougie? - I hit him? - No.
No.
Dot came home, found the door open and the place like this.
Your friend put up a real fight.
SAM: There's blood here.
Not much, but all things considered.
Not much is too much.
What's this? "If you ever want to see your agent or your boyfriend again, get eight hundred thousand dollars cash together by end of day tomorrow.
We'll be in touch.
" You will find Vijay, you will rescue Vijay, and then you will be best man at his wedding.
(STRUGGLING) This is really hard.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Who are you? I'm Vijay Gill! I'm here to rescue you.
Oh, Carter sent you? No, not exactly.
Uh, okay, I'm just gonna come out with it.
I'm Harley Carter.
Well, I'm your Harley Carter.
I'm obviously not the Harley Carter, but okay, you know, online, on the message boards? That's me.
Not Harley.
Me.
Vijay Gill.
Okay, it feels so good to make that clear.
Uh okay.
I know you think that made sense but it didn't.
I'm @BrownSugar.
No, no, no, no.
Harley Carter is @BrownSugar.
No, no.
When we were exchanging photos, you and I, I sent you a photo of me with Harley Carter, but you thought it was Harley Carter and I didn't correct you because I liked what was happening and I didn't want it to end.
So, all of this was you.
Never Harley Carter? I'm sorry.
Why would you do this? Huh? Why wouldn't you say anything? Because would you have talked to me if I did? So, Harley's not coming to rescue me? No, no, he is.
We just have to help him.
How? By using my sixth sense.
My Vijay-vision.
Your What? The desktop! Okay, can send Harley a flare through the message boards.
Okay, okay.
VIJAY: Okay, we just gotta.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Yes, okay.
Just come on, come on, come on.
Yes, team! Okay, okay.
Now, we just have to hunt and peck a message.
I can't get my hands free.
No, no, no, we have to peck with our beaks.
Huh? Okay? Okay, okay.
I almost got it.
Almost got it.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
Okay, now, just type in C.
Okay.
A.
Okay.
R.
Okay.
T, T, T.
He just typed everything that he saw.
"Hootie and the Blowfish poster.
" Not helpful.
"Singing fish.
" That's every other house up here.
"Some pants?" Come on, Vijay! Some pants? "T-shirt with rogs '97 and yellow eyes.
" - That's it! - That's what? Dot! Hey, Dot.
Where is our yearbook from '97? Refalski! Refalski, why are you reading our yearbook? I was just dusting it for prints.
I was looking for embarrassing pictures to sell online.
Vijay could only see part of the T-shirt.
Bullfrogs '97.
Big yellow eye.
Bishop Bullfrogs.
Our high school football team.
'97? We went to school with these guys? DAVE: Oh, my God.
There it is.
The marching band.
(LAUGHING) BOYLE: You played clarinet? Yeah, well, you were a figure skater.
Yeah, we're gonna need to see those pictures.
(LAUGHING) Hey, do you remember why we partied at that old plant? Ted Greesly's dad owned the place and Ted had a key.
Yeah.
Okay.
There's Dave with no facial hair, aw, there's Sam.
Aw, look, it's so cute.
There's me.
I still got it.
And there is Ted Greesly.
- So? - Who was that guy Ted always hung out with? Um, uh Dougie Lasseter.
We're gonna need to get an address on him.
- On it.
- I'll alert tactical.
Come on, Vijay.
Hang in there.
(KNOCKING) Mrs.
Lasseter? Hi.
Harley Carter.
I went to high school with your son.
Is he home? Harley Carter! How tall you've gotten.
You used to be heavier and you had amazing dimples.
Well, I still got the dimples.
It's why I never play bad guys.
Uh, Dougie's in the, um, in the garage with his friend Ted.
Should I let them know you're here? Oh, no, no, no.
Is it okay if we surprise them? Oh, sure, yes.
Dougie loves surprises! Not sure how he's going to feel about this one.
We are go! Go, go, go.
Oh, should I show them where Dougie's playroom is? You know what? If they get lost, I'm sure they'll ask.
Clear.
Hey, Dougie.
Ted.
Go Bullfrogs.
You guys look really good.
BOTH: Thank you.
So, you guys are into murder now.
Hey, uh, Harley? Oh, look who it is.
Ben Lyndecker.
What an honour to meet you.
I am Harley Carter.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.
Oh, actually, you might also know me as Blanco Azucar, aka, White Sugar.
Yeah, Vijay explained the whole thing to me.
The whole lie.
I know.
I messed up, okay? But I'm very, very glad that you're okay, and Vijay didn't mean to trick you.
Look, he's a socially awkward leprechaun of a man, but he is one of six people I would trust to have my back anytime, anywhere.
Plus, he fought for you.
I mean, literally fought Forgetting about the Harley Carter thing for just a minute, because I was already in before that photo.
That face, that body, that was just bonus.
Yeah, thank you.
I've been hitting the gym a lot lately, just trying to maintain, although my calf raises are yielding diminishing returns.
Jesus, how into yourself are you? I'm pretty into myself.
Yeah, Vijay? Yeah? How much of what you wrote was actually true? All of it.
Every word.
HARLEY: Dot.
I know about your date with Terrence.
Dave Leigh caved on me? Ugh.
Dave didn't say anything.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I am a bona fide P.
I.
now, but the real reason is you.
You've changed.
I mean, yes, you still have perma-scowl, and everyone in town is afraid of you, but you seem happier.
You really like this Terrence dude, huh? He's okay.
He has a daughter who lives in New Orleans that he visits at Christmas.
One date and he invited you to New Orleans? (SCOFFING) I invited myself.
You're not the only one with a very smart gut.
And besides, I like crawfish.
Alright, Dot.
I approve.
Oh, sorry.
We have an unknown number of perps and an officer down.
You ready for this? Go! Go! Go! Three perps! Two perps! Take cover.
Man down.
Two at your twelve.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Time.
How'd I do? Adequate.
Did I beat you? Hey, it's not a competition.
I see you've been putting in your hours, haven't you? No, no.
This is my first time.
I'm a I'm a natural.
Yeah.
Yeah, that you are.
And you are wasted here.
I bet you say that to all the girls who hand you your ass on the range.
You do remember that I'm your boss, right? Yeah, we've gone over that, like, two or three hundred times.
So, is it safe to say that I'm reading the signals right? You're a really slow reader.
I should go home.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you should.
Eventually I figured out it, it's because I had no one to share it with.
I feel like I know you so well, but I don't know you at all.
Tuesday can't come soon enough.
(WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECT ON PHONE) (LOON CALLING) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) MAN (IN DISTANCE:) Drop it! Drop it! Oh my God.
No! No! No! (SCREAMING) Guy out with his metal detector this morning found the body.
Metal detector guy check out? Oh, yeah.
Barn Phillips he splits his leisure time between metal detecting and blackout drinking.
Is he known to get violent on his way to blackout? Sir, the only thing that Barn is murdering is his liver.
Okay, Shaw SAM: Yeah.
What's it going to take to get you to stop calling me "sir"? Well, you could step down, make me the chief, that would do it.
I cannot, in good conscience, turn over the reins to someone who hasn't taken their marksmanship recertification test.
- That this week? - This week is the last week, yes.
There are slots Wednesday at six, Thursday at eight.
Actually, I'm going in tonight at nine.
What times work for you? Uh, Thursday at eight, you said, and Wednesday at six I mean, I come to think of it, I could I could probably do tonight.
Yeah, I could I can make that work.
Yup.
Great.
Tonight.
I'll book us in.
Great.
SAM: What do we got? Male, mid-to-late twenties.
Initial examination shows evidence of blunt force trauma to the back of the head.
Identification? Not yet.
We did find a cell phone a few feet away, but we haven't been able to unlock it yet.
No other ID on him, I did find something interesting, though.
More interesting than a bubble-wrapped body? About even, I'd say.
Um, you know, some people have this weird fetish where they they need to pop these things.
Not me, but some (POPPING) See, I can stop at one.
Mm-hmm.
- Wes? - (CLEARING THROAT) I found this tucked into the waistband of his jeans.
- Calling card? - You think? BOYLE: I don't know, but if it's calling card, it could indicate more to come.
Yeah, more we haven't found yet.
Could we take a look? I was just waiting for you two.
Little help? SAM: Well, I don't recognize him.
We're gonna have to get into that phone.
(POPPING) I don't feel good about that one.
(SIGHING) - You know what surprises me? - What? That we walked into a genuinely interesting mystery and there's no sign of Harley Carter.
Well, if it's as interesting as you say it is, he will be up to his neck in it by the second act.
Yeah, you're starting to talk like him.
Oh, I know.
(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, is that little girl still giving me the stink eye? DAVE: Oh, yeah.
Big time.
Yeah, well, tough.
I got to this horse first, I won it fair and square.
Hey, not that I don't love getting chicken pox, but, uh, is there a reason why we're here right now? I got a message last night on one of the Call Carter message boards from a potential client saying to meet him here.
It was signed "Precocious Eight-year-old.
" Could be any one of these people.
I'm thinking maybe the red-haired kid back there.
He looks a little suspicious.
The one that's eating his snot? - Are you kidding me? There's no way.
- Shh, be cool.
Be cool.
Be cool.
VOICE: Psst.
Hey, did we just get "psst-ed" at? Ah! Hey! - HARLEY: It's Vijay! - Hey, guys! Vijay, when did you get back into town? Yesterday! Why didn't you call us? WOMAN: Hey, you can't do that! Hey.
I did, I sent you a note.
I'm the Precocious eight-year-old.
- You're the client? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hop on horse, man! Come on! - Let's go.
That's a very bad idea.
Can you stop this? Sorry, buddy.
Harley paid for a whole hour.
I'm just surprisingly unfit.
Take my hand! (GRUNTING, THUDDING) Ouch! Ow.
- Why all the secrecy? - It's bad.
- It's really bad.
- Well, how bad can it be? Well, try Call Carter episode 308 kind of bad.
You killed Jeff Probst the host of Survivor? Was that episode 308? No, no.
What was the one where Blake Shelton falls in love online, then is falsely accused of killing her? You fell in love with someone who's now dead? No, no, no, no, and maybe.
You know how I monitor the Call Carter message boards? - Of course.
Who doesn't? - I don't.
Well, there was this one guy I was talking to @jitterjuicejoe and that one night, well, it turned into two nights Oh, you fell in love online.
I don't know.
I've never done anything like this before and he was special.
Yeah, and he was from Bishop, unlike the fakes and flakes in Hollywood.
So, yeah, I got my hopes up.
And I hopped on a plane yesterday and we were supposed to meet last night, but, um he didn't show up.
And then, you found him dead? No, I didn't find him at all! I don't know his name.
He was @jitterjuicejoe and I was always @BrownSugar.
If anything happened to him, @BrownSugar's gonna be all over his phone.
No, no, not exactly.
When we finally got around to exchanging photos, I sent him a photo of you and I at Mo Better Meaty Meat Burgers.
You know, the one where I had perfect hair.
I remember it.
You looked amazing.
What's your point? Well, he looked at the picture and got confused.
Oh my God.
He thought he was flirting with Harley Carter - on the message boards.
- Yeah.
You tricked someone into falling in love with me? - 'Cause that's Harley's job.
- I liked him so much, I didn't want to tell him the truth.
If you like someone that much, that's exactly when you're supposed to tell them the truth.
I know, I know.
And now he's gonna hate me.
And either he's dead or not, I don't know, but I'm gonna be accused of murder and I don't know what to do! I'm freaking out right now, Harley! Just calm down, Vijay.
Calm down.
Yeah.
Okay, can I be this guy? Do you think maybe it's possible that this is just a case of he's just not that into you and you got ghosted? - (LAUGHING) Oh, Dave, come on.
- What? The guy thought he was meeting me.
Of course he's gonna show up.
Come back when you have something that's useful.
Vijay, don't worry.
We'll find this guy and he'll be fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
You think we're gonna let anything happen to the man who loves me? Hey, Dot, Vijay's gonna crash with us for a little while.
He's gonna sleep on the couch.
Or I could get your old crib.
Well, I'm taller than you.
I'm only three feet tall, so I wouldn't sound so proud.
Dave Leigh, I need to speak to you for a second.
Oh Dave's in trouble.
Nah, she's all bark.
- DOT: David! Now! - Okay.
All right, Vijay, tell me whether you know about @jitterjuicejoe, and don't say he's wonderful 'cause there's a million Mr.
Wonderfuls out there, no one's ever gonna hook up with them.
Job? Yes, but I don't know what it is.
Okay.
Family? I know he has a mom.
Thank you.
That narrows it down to the entire human race.
What did you two talk about? Everything.
Yeah, I know his favourite song, it's "Mr.
Blue Sky.
" I know he loves his dad, but doesn't know whether he likes him.
I know he wants to make his mark on the world, but also hates that he wants to make his mark on the world.
I know tons! Come on, I need real clues here.
Think.
- He sent me a video from his apartment.
- Let's go.
Hey, uh, can you keep the cops out of this? - Why? - Because if something did happen, I'd be the number one suspect.
No.
I would be the number one suspect.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, for like two seconds, then it'd be all Vijay, all the time.
And then, the agency will find out I'm not in Aspen, pitching Topher Grace and they will fire me.
You have to promise no police, a Harley Carter promise.
I promise.
Okay.
All right, let's see this.
It isn't much, but it's home.
I haven't let anyone inside since Mark, but I I think I'm ready, so come over.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Bye.
- Who's Mark? - Uh, his last boyfriend.
Yeah, he, uh he broke Jitterjuicejoe's heart.
You didn't think last boyfriend was more important than "Mr.
Blue Sky"? Now, we watch it again.
It isn't much, but Yeah, I'd be happy to drive you into town, but what's wrong with your car? I might need a getaway driver.
Uh, we're not robbing any banks, are we? 'Cause fool me once I just need someone and it can't be Harley.
Will you do it? Yeah, yeah, of course.
But you didn't say we're not robbing any banks.
Hey, where are you going? DOT: I don't answer to you! Sam? They unlocked this phone we found near the crime scene.
Anything interesting? I'm gonna say yes.
Uh, it belongs to a guy named Ben Lyndecker.
Should I know that name? Maybe.
Can I read you a text? - Yeah.
- "I can't swim, but I'm ready to drown in you.
" It's a little cheesy, but the sentiments are lovely.
Point, please? There's tons of these and they're all from Harley Carter, who sometimes calls himself @BrownSugar.
What? "You're a mystery I look forward to solving.
" Eww! Harley?! Are you messing with me? - No.
- No.
(GASPING) Oh, well, that was just that was more graphic than I had expected.
- HARLEY: I know where @jitterjuicejoe lives.
- VIJAY: How? You would know too, if you weren't just pretending to be me.
You see, you watch this video with only one of your senses.
I watched with all five of mine and a sixth sense that I haven't come up with a cool name for yet.
Okay, first things first, that - (CLANKING) - that's a garbage truck.
By the timecode, we can see this video was taken on a Tuesday morning.
So, we look up what neighbourhoods in Bishop that gets its garbage picked-up on Tuesday morning.
Next up, you hear that? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - An elevator.
- Right.
So, what are we looking for? VIJAY: Apartment building.
Nice.
Now, look at the coffee mug.
It says "Phil's Fuels.
" There are three Phil's Fuels in Bishop, but one in a neighbourhood that gets its garbage picked up on Tuesdays mornings.
- Okay.
I'm impressed.
- I'm not done.
See the light coming through the window? Now, this church steeple across the street, the light gets blocked only on the first floors, so, we're looking at the second floor, but I already knew that.
What? How? Look at your boy.
On the windowsill, right in back of him? All right, let's go in and see if anyone's home.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I'm wrong? What if he found out I'm not you and Dave's right and I'm just being ghosted? Vijay, whatever we find up there is gonna to be the truth or at least get us one step closer to the truth, and that's always a good thing.
No, no.
That's easy for you to say 'cause you're you.
Being Harley Carter is only two thirds amazing natural ability and one third having the confidence in that amazing natural ability.
You know what, Vijay? Show me your confident walk.
Come on, do it.
Yes.
Work.
Supermodel walking.
Yes! Confidence, here we go.
Keep going.
Vijay are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's working! Sashay.
Chante.
Vijay, come! What? Okay, now that we're in, how do we get inside Ben's apartment? Vijay, you mistake me for a man with a plan.
That's Matt Leblanc.
I never go in prepared, there's no fun in that.
Things and people always have a way of revealing themselves.
Oh, hey.
See what I'm talking about? Ma'am, Ma'am I am - Hi.
- Harley Carter, I know who you are, and I know why you're here.
I know all about you because Ben's told me all about you.
Oh.
All good things I hope.
Otherwise, I hope you don't have a Twitter account.
This is my good buddy.
He may have killed someone.
No.
Are you here to see Ben? Because I haven't seen him lately.
Maybe for a couple days.
I'm the neighbour.
I'm Roz.
I'm always around here.
I know, kind of like a character in a TV show, huh? No, no, no.
Those character are always annoying, you know, crazy, statement jewellery, that's not you.
Any idea where we might find Ben? Well, I thought that he was with you because he told me you had a date.
He's a good boy, so please don't play with his heart.
Oh, yeah, I'll be kind to him.
I'm a very generous lover.
We were supposed to meet up, but he never showed and now I'm worried.
Well, tell you what, I water his plants when he's away, so I do have a key.
Whoa.
It's perfect.
Nice.
Feels so weird being in your potential boyfriend's house before you've met your actual boyfriend.
- It's perfect.
- (BEEPING) (SNIFFING) What is that ungodly smell? Yeah, and the beeping.
(BEEPING) It's an alarm clock.
The lessons continue.
What does that tell us? The snooze button's broken.
I don't know.
Wait, where are you going? HARLEY: I am following my nose to the source of that remarkable smell.
- (WATER SLOSHING) - Ugh.
Ooh.
This was in the sink.
Probably put in there to thaw.
I'd say it's a little past due.
This is the apartment of someone who 100% was meant to come home.
But didn't.
(PHONE RINGING) No, no, no.
Dude, don't don't answer that.
(PHONE RINGING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT:) Hello? This is Detective Sam Shaw from Bishop P.
D.
Am I speaking with Ben Lyndecker? No, this is the Leif Gunterbloom.
I am a travel writer, writing about the topiaries here in Bishop.
Harley.
What is going on? Man! What gave me away? Was it the topiaries? Little too quirky.
Why are you answering Ben Lyndecker's phone? Put him on.
Um, he's not home right now.
Then why are you doing in his apartment? And Harley, that is the first of many questions I have for you.
Um, maybe I should come down.
- Maybe?! - Oh.
Okay, you can't tell her I'm here.
Okay? You made a promise.
I'll try to.
You stay here in case he shows up.
Wait, wait, no.
What if he does show up? I don't know what to say! Also, this is not the outfit I pictured myself wearing.
We don't have time to buy you a fireman's outfit right now.
We want him to show up, it means he's alive.
I know, but I don't know what Harley You're gonna do great.
Just don't touch anything.
(SIGHING) Hi, Ben.
Hey, Vijay here.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I'd be disappointed too.
(SIGHING) Whoa Oh, crap.
You think you can just drag me in here, rake me over the coals and treat me like I'm some two-bit hoodlum? Like we haven't had a history, Sam? Harley, you were the one who insisted on doing this in here.
I was perfectly fine at my desk.
I just wanted to see what it was like on this side of the table.
Wow, it's a whole different energy! You know? I never get cast as criminals.
I guess it's the dimples Harley, Ben Lyndecker's phone was found at a crime scene, - near a body.
- A body? We're 100% sure it was not Ben's body? Yes, but there could be a connection between that body and this phone.
Can I see the body? No, but you can see the phone because there are tons of gushingly romantic texts from you.
"We haven't even met and I feel like you know me better than most of my so-called friends.
Like you see the real me, the version that I hope to be.
" - I didn't write that.
- I know.
I called Ben's work.
They haven't seen him in three days.
They are very worried.
There is clearly a connection between the body at the beach and your missing person.
So, Harley, no more games.
Your client could be that connection.
He isn't.
(DOOR OPENING) VIJAY: I'm the client.
SAM: Vijay, what what the hell is going on? I'm @BrownSugar.
Well, technically, I am @BrownSugar.
Ben Lyndecker and I were sort of pre-dating online.
But there was some confusion and he thought that I was Harley.
And you didn't correct him.
I messed up, yes.
But we were supposed to meet up and I was going to come clean, but he never showed.
Well, his phone was found beside a dead body.
Not Ben's body.
But we need to know everything that you know.
Well, that's why I'm here.
I think I have a suspect.
I found this.
It's a restraining order filed by Ben against a Mark Turner.
- The ex-boyfriend.
- Apparently, but he never said anything about a restraining order.
Okay.
Well, I need to run this, find out who and where this guy is.
This is good.
Stay close.
This might be the break that we need.
Oh, Vijay, I'm glad you met someone.
Well, technically, I met someone, but yeah, congrats, Vijay.
Hey, so, uh, what do we do now? We don't do anything.
I am going back to the apartment.
You are going to my house to relax.
Relax?! How?! (DAVE EXHALING SHARPLY) DAVE: Okay, we're here.
Now, can you tell me why? You cannot tell this to Harley.
Promise.
Okay.
I promise.
I'm having coffee with a man.
Don't say anything! It's too early.
I can't do this.
Drive.
- (ENGINE STARTING) - Stop.
This is ridiculous.
I'm a young woman, and this is what Koji would have wanted.
He told me so.
I need adult, human conversation.
I can't sit at home, listening to you and Harley argue about Pizza Pockets vs.
Hot Pockets every night.
So, a person showed me how to use an online dating service.
I was only on for one day and someone asked me for a coffee because, obviously, I'm hot stuff.
I let him dangle for two weeks, but last night I said yes.
I think this is the right thing to do, and then I think about Harley finding out and I think it's the wrong thing to do.
Dot, Dot, Dot, it's just coffee! That's it.
You deserve to real conversation and connecting with someone.
And I'm proud of you for this.
And everybody knows it's all about the Hot Pockets, okay? End of debate.
Now, go.
Get out of here.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Wait for a minute just in case he's a psycho.
(CHUCKLING) Like you can't handle a psycho.
True.
Go.
Yeah.
Okay.
(EXHALING SHARPLY) - Oh.
- Hey.
Something's really happening and you're investigating, and I know exactly what you're thinking.
I'd love to know what I'm thinking.
You're thinking, "Oh, yeah, here she is, the nosy neighbour, huh, pretending to ask all the innocent questions, but really she knows something and she's asking questions to figure out what you know.
" I honestly wasn't thinking that.
But now you are.
And the longer I talk, the more suspicious it seems.
And now, if I say I don't know anything, it's really going to look like I know something.
And, hey, how 'bout me having the key to Ben's apartment at the ready? Huh? You think I did it, don't you? - Did what? - Whatever it is you think I did.
Hey.
Remember when you said you're like the neighbour down the hall in all those TV shows? Not true.
You've already had way too many lines.
Those people don't never get this much screen time.
Thank you.
(PHONE RINGING) VIJAY: Hello? Hey, Vijay, when you were here, you didn't happen to leave a gun on the table, did you? Gun? What? No.
Of course not.
And I would tell you.
Did you take a bath in my tub? You told me to relax! And how did you know? Either swapped faces with John Travolta or you're wearing my Brazilian mahogany nut skin conditioning mask.
You know how expensive those things are? Okay, now that is crazy.
How could you possibly Because I'm a detective and the way you said the word "relax", it sounded like your face was in a vice.
Can you tell me what I'm doing right now? - Uh - No, you can't, because you only have five senses! (TOILET FLUSHING) Hey.
- I know who you are.
- Harley Carter.
You're in that root beer commercial, right? Roobidoo's Root Beer.
The Cadillac of root beers.
Cadillac of root beers, yeah.
Who are you? Dennis.
Dennis.
I'm a real real, real old friend of Ben's.
And I heard he might be in trouble, so I wanted to come by, see if I could help.
Yeah, same here, same here.
This is great.
Two heads are better than one.
You search that side of the apartment I'll search this side.
Sure.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Yep.
Oh.
Made you look.
Are you under the impression that I walked into your trap? Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, okay? I'm not much of a shot, but six feet isn't much of a distance.
Yeah, but what would you say if I told you there are no bullets in that gun? I would ask you why why did you bring a gun that didn't have bullets? Because I I was trying to scare you.
Away from Ben.
I'm trying to help Ben.
By getting into his pants? (CHUCKLING) I have zero interest in the contents of Ben's slacks.
Hey, listen, man.
Easy.
I have a sixth sense, okay? I call it my "Harley Sense-o-Rama.
" Huh? I guess there were bullets in that gun.
Oops.
Damn you, Sense-o-Rama! What have you done with Ben?! - What have I done with Ben?! - ROZ: Oh my! What have you done with Ben?! (GRUNTING) Did I get him? Did I get him? You gotta stop kicking me! Oh, well, I don't think I like that tone very much.
I'm trying to help you, Harley.
But you know what? I have taken self defence classes.
You just gotta meet me halfway! Oh, I think I did get you there.
Sorry, Harley.
(SCREAMING) He's biting me! That's exactly what I learned in self defence.
Just call the cops, please! Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMING) Come on.
Come on.
BOYLE: Look, I'm no Dr.
Phil, but a restraining order is a very clear signal that the relationship is over.
Where were you Saturday night? Oh, you mean when Harley Carter's goons kidnapped Ben? - I'm sorry? - Yeah, I was at the lake that night.
- Stalking Ben.
- I was protecting Ben, because I knew he got involved with this Hollywood sleazoid guy.
And to be honest with you, I'm the one who loves Ben.
Let's get back to these goons.
Two guys.
It was dark, okay, I couldn't hear them, but I I heard Ben scream.
And then, I heard a scuffle.
And you didn't even try to stop them from taking the man you "love"? Excuse me? It all happened so fast.
Okay? And to be honest with you, that is exactly why I bought a gun, 'cause I could rescue Ben.
His story stinks.
Your story stinks, Mark.
We know something happened at the lake and my money is on you being in the middle of it.
Refalski! I want you to take this guy away and let him think about the error of his ways.
We'll talk to him again when he's got his story straight.
You can't do that because I actually didn't do anything.
Are you kidding me? - Illegal possession of a firearm.
- Violation of a restraining order.
And you messed with someone on my list.
You do not get to walk away from that.
- Get him out of here.
- You don't know love! Sorry.
It's hard for me to maintain my neutral with that guy.
Yeah, well, I'll, uh, make sure that I don't mess with anyone on your list.
What makes you think you're not on my list? - Hey.
- Hey.
You heard all that? - I I don't think he did it.
- Mark? He's insane, but his insane logic tracks.
When we were fighting he was convinced that I had Ben.
So, we have just two mystery voices.
Not just.
Wes just texted.
He's got a lead on the bubble wrap from your body by the lake.
SAM: What were they doing in a box factory? They actually wrapped the body in a clue to the crime scene.
Yeah, I think we can eliminate criminal masterminds off of our suspect list.
They jimmied the back door, so they knew this place was abandoned.
Oh! Bubble wrap.
Ah, Sam, you remember this place? Oh, yeah.
We used to have all our marching band after parties here.
- (HARLEY POPPING BUBBLE) - Don't do that.
You were in a marching band? Yeah.
It was a thing.
Nobody parties like a marching band.
Full disclosure and this doesn't leave this room three years of figure skating.
Mom had a dream.
So, if you need a grown ass black man to do a triple Lutz, I'm your guy.
Chief Yamaguchi.
Anyone here play Texas Hold'em? I will play with you, I just won't play with her.
Once in a while I get lucky.
Yeah, well I'm not too shabby myself.
I will gladly lose $500 to watch you lose $500.
Shaw, what do you see? I see, these two folded early Serious pot and why wouldn't it be? Got a two and three of diamonds on the flop.
Six of diamonds on the river.
Anybody with a diamond is riding this one down.
Well, this guy was bluffing hard.
This would be the dealer Two pair.
Jacks over fours.
All these diamonds floating around on the table, and he's sticking in it with two pair? Here it is.
Four of diamonds.
Harley, the body that we found had a five of diamonds on it.
What? (POPPING BUBBLE WRAP) Sorry, I just wanted to do that for dramatic effect.
So, the guy has a five of diamonds in his pocket hoping to draw a straight flush? Nah, that's a one in a million shot.
But if the dealer is cheating, he palms the five of diamonds to keep the straight flush out of the opponent's hand.
- Nice! - I told you I played cards.
- HARLEY: And figure skated.
- And I am a detective.
Try playing one on TV.
SAM: Except the cheater got caught cheating.
This guy reached across the table, knocking over this beer Drunken shoving dude match ensues.
Dealer dies from blunt force trauma to the head.
How does this tie to Ben Lyndecker? I mean, yeah, on a Saturday, but it can't be a coincidence.
Yeah, well, maybe the prints in here will turn up something.
So, what's our next move? I'm gonna go take another look at Ben Lyndecker's phone.
My Harley Sense-o-Rama is tingling.
(POPPING) I feel like I know you so well, but I don't know you at all.
Tuesday cannot come soon enough.
What's your sixth sense saying? Telling you to let me concentrate on this.
Why didn't you tell me you were single ready to mingle? I uh, because I didn't think you cared.
I know a guy who likes guys like you.
Oh, he likes Indian guys.
No, he likes guys he can lift up.
You know, like a doll.
HARLEY: Button up for a sec, 'cause I think I just found something that's gonna crack this case wide open! This is the last selfie that Ben took.
- So? - No.
He's alive.
Well, I mean, the photo is live.
I present to you our missing poker players.
We were looking for a connection when there wasn't one.
Ben was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
He saw them with the dead dealer.
So, they grabbed him.
We pulled a ton of prints from the poker game.
No matches.
These guys might be first timers.
If they're not stone cold killers, it means there's still a chance, just a chance that Ben is more than just a live photo.
Sam, I've got the tiniest little bell ringing in my head.
Do you recognize them? Something is on the tip of my brain.
Who are you guys? You killed him and we were wasted at the time.
So, let's get wasted and do it again.
(MUFFLED PLEADING) My boyfriend is looking for me.
Let him look.
Last I checked, it's a big world.
My boyfriend is Harley Carter.
Do you know who Harley Carter is? Yeah, yeah.
We know Harley Carter.
Yeah, he's one of the world's greatest detectives.
We are not fans.
Well, he is real and he is coming for me.
You know what's real? Is that Harley Carter is the richest detective in the world.
Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.
Harley Carter probably has, like, fifty grand in his pants pocket at all times.
We get that money and we don't have to kill anybody.
We could just take off to, uh Vegas, huh? Penthouse suite at Caesar's? Vegas.
Oh, man, just make the reservation right now.
(LAUGHING) - And if that doesn't work.
- Yeah? Well, then we'll kill him.
No, no.
This whole Topher Grace thing is news to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I never noticed his ears.
But, look, I I, yeah, I'm just sticking around here to develop a movie idea.
Yeah, with Harley.
It's it's very modern, very Catfish-ey.
We are hoping for a happy ending, but You're not Harley Carter.
No, no.
I'm his agent.
Perfect.
We want you to negotiate a deal for us.
I think we can do it the easy way or the hard way.
What's the hard way, Dougie? - I hit him? - No.
No.
Dot came home, found the door open and the place like this.
Your friend put up a real fight.
SAM: There's blood here.
Not much, but all things considered.
Not much is too much.
What's this? "If you ever want to see your agent or your boyfriend again, get eight hundred thousand dollars cash together by end of day tomorrow.
We'll be in touch.
" You will find Vijay, you will rescue Vijay, and then you will be best man at his wedding.
(STRUGGLING) This is really hard.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Who are you? I'm Vijay Gill! I'm here to rescue you.
Oh, Carter sent you? No, not exactly.
Uh, okay, I'm just gonna come out with it.
I'm Harley Carter.
Well, I'm your Harley Carter.
I'm obviously not the Harley Carter, but okay, you know, online, on the message boards? That's me.
Not Harley.
Me.
Vijay Gill.
Okay, it feels so good to make that clear.
Uh okay.
I know you think that made sense but it didn't.
I'm @BrownSugar.
No, no, no, no.
Harley Carter is @BrownSugar.
No, no.
When we were exchanging photos, you and I, I sent you a photo of me with Harley Carter, but you thought it was Harley Carter and I didn't correct you because I liked what was happening and I didn't want it to end.
So, all of this was you.
Never Harley Carter? I'm sorry.
Why would you do this? Huh? Why wouldn't you say anything? Because would you have talked to me if I did? So, Harley's not coming to rescue me? No, no, he is.
We just have to help him.
How? By using my sixth sense.
My Vijay-vision.
Your What? The desktop! Okay, can send Harley a flare through the message boards.
Okay, okay.
VIJAY: Okay, we just gotta.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Yes, okay.
Just come on, come on, come on.
Yes, team! Okay, okay.
Now, we just have to hunt and peck a message.
I can't get my hands free.
No, no, no, we have to peck with our beaks.
Huh? Okay? Okay, okay.
I almost got it.
Almost got it.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
Okay, now, just type in C.
Okay.
A.
Okay.
R.
Okay.
T, T, T.
He just typed everything that he saw.
"Hootie and the Blowfish poster.
" Not helpful.
"Singing fish.
" That's every other house up here.
"Some pants?" Come on, Vijay! Some pants? "T-shirt with rogs '97 and yellow eyes.
" - That's it! - That's what? Dot! Hey, Dot.
Where is our yearbook from '97? Refalski! Refalski, why are you reading our yearbook? I was just dusting it for prints.
I was looking for embarrassing pictures to sell online.
Vijay could only see part of the T-shirt.
Bullfrogs '97.
Big yellow eye.
Bishop Bullfrogs.
Our high school football team.
'97? We went to school with these guys? DAVE: Oh, my God.
There it is.
The marching band.
(LAUGHING) BOYLE: You played clarinet? Yeah, well, you were a figure skater.
Yeah, we're gonna need to see those pictures.
(LAUGHING) Hey, do you remember why we partied at that old plant? Ted Greesly's dad owned the place and Ted had a key.
Yeah.
Okay.
There's Dave with no facial hair, aw, there's Sam.
Aw, look, it's so cute.
There's me.
I still got it.
And there is Ted Greesly.
- So? - Who was that guy Ted always hung out with? Um, uh Dougie Lasseter.
We're gonna need to get an address on him.
- On it.
- I'll alert tactical.
Come on, Vijay.
Hang in there.
(KNOCKING) Mrs.
Lasseter? Hi.
Harley Carter.
I went to high school with your son.
Is he home? Harley Carter! How tall you've gotten.
You used to be heavier and you had amazing dimples.
Well, I still got the dimples.
It's why I never play bad guys.
Uh, Dougie's in the, um, in the garage with his friend Ted.
Should I let them know you're here? Oh, no, no, no.
Is it okay if we surprise them? Oh, sure, yes.
Dougie loves surprises! Not sure how he's going to feel about this one.
We are go! Go, go, go.
Oh, should I show them where Dougie's playroom is? You know what? If they get lost, I'm sure they'll ask.
Clear.
Hey, Dougie.
Ted.
Go Bullfrogs.
You guys look really good.
BOTH: Thank you.
So, you guys are into murder now.
Hey, uh, Harley? Oh, look who it is.
Ben Lyndecker.
What an honour to meet you.
I am Harley Carter.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.
Oh, actually, you might also know me as Blanco Azucar, aka, White Sugar.
Yeah, Vijay explained the whole thing to me.
The whole lie.
I know.
I messed up, okay? But I'm very, very glad that you're okay, and Vijay didn't mean to trick you.
Look, he's a socially awkward leprechaun of a man, but he is one of six people I would trust to have my back anytime, anywhere.
Plus, he fought for you.
I mean, literally fought Forgetting about the Harley Carter thing for just a minute, because I was already in before that photo.
That face, that body, that was just bonus.
Yeah, thank you.
I've been hitting the gym a lot lately, just trying to maintain, although my calf raises are yielding diminishing returns.
Jesus, how into yourself are you? I'm pretty into myself.
Yeah, Vijay? Yeah? How much of what you wrote was actually true? All of it.
Every word.
HARLEY: Dot.
I know about your date with Terrence.
Dave Leigh caved on me? Ugh.
Dave didn't say anything.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I am a bona fide P.
I.
now, but the real reason is you.
You've changed.
I mean, yes, you still have perma-scowl, and everyone in town is afraid of you, but you seem happier.
You really like this Terrence dude, huh? He's okay.
He has a daughter who lives in New Orleans that he visits at Christmas.
One date and he invited you to New Orleans? (SCOFFING) I invited myself.
You're not the only one with a very smart gut.
And besides, I like crawfish.
Alright, Dot.
I approve.
Oh, sorry.
We have an unknown number of perps and an officer down.
You ready for this? Go! Go! Go! Three perps! Two perps! Take cover.
Man down.
Two at your twelve.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Time.
How'd I do? Adequate.
Did I beat you? Hey, it's not a competition.
I see you've been putting in your hours, haven't you? No, no.
This is my first time.
I'm a I'm a natural.
Yeah.
Yeah, that you are.
And you are wasted here.
I bet you say that to all the girls who hand you your ass on the range.
You do remember that I'm your boss, right? Yeah, we've gone over that, like, two or three hundred times.
So, is it safe to say that I'm reading the signals right? You're a really slow reader.
I should go home.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you should.