Clone High (2023) s02e09 Episode Script
Cloney Island: Twist!
NARRATOR: Previously on
a very special Clone High, this.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
NARRATOR: Full disclosure,
there was a subliminal message
embedded in there.
It's the reason
you're now craving
a big ol' plate of nachos.
Con queso.
(SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(DOOR RATTLING)
HARRIET TUBMAN: Yes, we're in.
Okay, now tell us why we’re
risking suspension for this?
Something's up with Scudworth.
No one’s seen him since
Confucius's foster parents
gave him all that money
at the parent-principal
conferences.
You mean when he accepted
the generous gift they gave him?
Because they also tried
to give Joan money,
but she didn't even want it.
It felt like they were paying me
to be your girlfriend.
They were paying you
because you're my girlfriend.
Let's focus, please.
I have a strong suspicion
Scudworth is hiding something.
Yup, I think you're right.
No way he could afford
this stuff
on a principal's salary.
I'm sure nipple cream is just
the tip of the iceberg.
And "tip of the iceberg"
is what I call nipples.
Uh, guys, check this out.
I think I hit the jackpot.
ALL: Scudworth's Secret Diary!
CLEOPATRA: (GROANS)
Gross, a book!
Wait, are we really
gonna read that?
I mean, it's private.
Frida should do it.
She's great at betraying trust.
Or maybe Cleo should read it.
She's great at adding drama.
-Did I miss something?
-CLONES: They broke up.
Didn't catch a word of that,
you all, er, uh,
spoke at the same time.
Here, I'll take it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATES SCUDWORTH)
"Dear Diary,
parent-principal conferences
were a success
and I'm officially rich.
Time to rent a speed boat."
And what a speedy little boat
she is.
Speeding me toward my destiny.
So, just to be clear,
we're going to an island
you bought online sight unseen?
Not just any island,
the island of my dreams.
And I'm not an idiot,
I only gave them half upfront.
Who exactly is "them"?
A Venezuelan general,
known as
El Fantasma Cibernética.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-(MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Pretty sure that means
cyber-ghost.
So cool, right?
How fun is buying islands?
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
Way, way back in the 1980s
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
Then the clones as teens
Were frozen ♪
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
I knew he stole
the school's money.
That bastard!
And he immediately got it
stolen. That dumb bastard.
Why'd he want an island
in the first place?
Probably 'cause
he's a dumb bastard.
Hey. Anyone else notice
this weird leak in the wall?
-CLONES: Shh.
-Rude.
-Can I continue?
-CLONES: Yes!
"My lifelong dream
was in reach."
I negotiated quite a deal
on the island,
leaving me plenty of cash
to build my precious theme park.
I wish anything meant
as much to me
as the theme parks
mean to you, sir.
Oh, they've meant everything
to me,
since I was a pre-pubescent boy.
(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
JFK: Wait, are we about to go
from a flashback
into a deeper flashback?
-CLONES: Shh. JFK!
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
JOAN OF ARC:
It's like Inception. Duh!
JFK: Whoa, sorry.
Flashback inside a flashback.
-Here we go.
-(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:
Every weekend,
my parents would take me
to Yesterworld Theme Park,
where history comes alive!
But alas,
I only got as far as the gates.
MR. BUTLERTRON:
How tragic. You were crippled.
SCUDWORTH: Only emotionally.
-My legs were fine.
-(SORROWFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH: My parents were
ruthless grifters
and this was their most
lucrative grift.
They never even let me go
inside the park
or try one of their famous
one-foot-long hot dogs.
And when it was all over,
-I didn't get so much
as a warm hug.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Whoa. I didn't know Scudworth
had evil parents.
You thought that guy
had normal parents?
What is normal, Joan?
You don't like it when
parents steal money,
but you also don't like
it when they give you money?
I'm just trying to keep up here.
Holy shit, are you guys, like,
reading Scudworth's journal?
Okay, we're not starting over.
That was directed towards them
and you, Frida.
-(GROANS)
-Allow me.
Okay. So, Mr. B's driving
the boat and he goes
(IMITATES MR. B)
"Did you eventually go
to Yesterworld"
after your parents died
in that freak accident?
I had nothing to do
with their banana-peel
on-the-edge-of-the-Grand-Canyon
freak accident!
But yes, I did go to the park
directly from the funeral.
(HUMS CHEERFUL TUNE)
I was finally free
to enter Yesterworld
as an unaccompanied minor
with dead parents.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
I desperately wanted
those historical figures
to give me the love
-(GROANS)
-my parents never did.
-(ROBOTIC VOICE) Four score
and seven years ago
-(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
-our fathers brought forth
-SCUDWORTH:
But I soon discovered,
they weren't historical figures
at all.
ANIMATRONIC:
Chop, chop, chop.
I need wood for teeth.
I need wood for teeth.
Let them eat cake.
SCUDWORTH: They were cold,
unfeeling, animatronic fakes!
And then I saw
the foot-long hot dog.
(ECHOING) Gasp!
I vowed I would build
a theme park
to put Yesterworld to shame!
Where the historical figures
were flesh and blood!
And where the foot-long hot dogs
measured three feet in length!
Uh, now, slow down.
-We should be getting close
to Jagged Rock Point.
-To what now?
SCUDWORTH: (SCREAMS)
Flip! (GROANS)
(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
I did it.
(KISSES, SPITS)
I'm finally here!
The future home
(SHOUTING) of Cloney Island!
HARRIET: Hold on, Cloney Island?
What's that? Like a clone-themed
amusement park?
Oh, my God.
He wants us to give him
the love his family never did.
That's, like, so sad.
Maybe we should stop
and just respect his privacy.
Ooh! There's sand in this page.
-CLONES: Ooh!
-HARRIET: Ooh! Sand!
I don't think we're going to get
our boat rental deposit back.
What do we need a boat for?
We're here!
Where's my murse
with all the cash?
Found it.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What is this?
SCUDWORTH: Not that one!
That's my murse
with the light weights
for workouts on the go.
Ah, yes! There's my money murse.
Now, let's do like Dora
and explor-a.
Vamos!
I'm the map!
SCUDWORTH: The air
was sticky hot
and smelled of citrus,
like a freshly
deodorized armpit.
The island's untouched beauty,
the perfect canvas
for my masterpiece.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What's this?
Turnstiles?
An under construction
roller coaster?
Classic theme park signage?
This wasn't mentioned
in the listing.
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What was that?
I heard a rustle.
Ooh, which one? Crowe? Brand?
Keri? The love muscle?
Westbrook? Kurt?
Oh, please, let it be Kurt.
-(RUSTLING)
-Roll for your lives!
-(BOTH MUMBLING FRANTICALLY)
-(GROANS)
Gasp!
(SQUEALS, SCREAMS)
(BOTH GASP)
(BOTH PANT)
(SCUDWORTH GROANING)
-(YELPS) Wha
-(OMINOUS MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Cinnamon Scudworth?
Sandra Sandria?
You came for me, my lover!
You came!
-JFK: (LAUGHS) Scudworth came!
-CLONES: Shh! JFK!
Is it really you
after all these years?
Is it really you
after all these years?
There's one way to find out.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYS) ♪
You have matching tattoos of pi!
We stopped at 69
for obvious reasons.
Yes, because Dr. Denton Cooley
implanted the first temporary
artificial heart on April 4,
1969. We all know this!
Oh, my studly Scudly.
I never thought
I'd see you again.
I find that hard to believe
since you're standing
on my island.
Your island? But I've owned
this island for years.
SCUDWORTH:
I've got the deed right here.
That's signed by someone named
Cyber Ghost.
It says you're the proud owner
of jack shit.
-What?
-I mean, it's written
on a Long John Silver's menu.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh, who cares, Scuddy.
All that matters is you're here!
Hey, I have someone
I want you to meet.
Come out, Mrs. C,
and meet my college sweetheart!
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOING)
(WOLF-WHISTLING)
Spit-spot, you two.
You're just as practically
perfect as Sandra described.
Oh my God. Do you see
what's happening here?
Yeah, two weirdo ex-lovers
now both have
robot best friends.
No! The reason Scudworth's been
acting so strange
is because he just reunited
with the love of his life.
It's actually kind of sweet.
The leak's getting worse,
you guys.
-CLONES: Shh.
-You sound just like the leak.
You stole my idea of having
a British robot sidekick.
Was stealing my heart
and my dreams not enough?
I remember it
like it was right now.
You see, Sandra and I
both majored in Mad Science
with a minor in Theme Parks.
-(FAST-FORWARDING SQUEAKING)
-JFK: Nerds being nerds.
Nerderly, nerderly nerdle.
Nerd, nerd, nerd.
Nerdy, nerd, nerd.
-Now here we go.
Okay, here we go.
-(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
Our theme park dreams bonded us.
Me, Cloney Island,
and her, Texasland.
A theme park like Texas,
where everything is too big,
the infrastructure is crumbling,
you need no permission
to buy a gun,
and every permission
to see a doctor!
Whilst on a paddle boat,
I romantically told her
I had saved up enough money
to make our dreams come true
and buy my C-shaped island
for Cloney Island.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
SCUDWORTH: That was when
she said that she thought
we should use the money
for Texasland.
-(INAUDIBLE)
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
I was completely blindsided.
Cloney Island meant
everything to me,
and she knew it!
-(KNIFE SLASHING)
-(CRIES)
SCUDWORTH: So I told her
-(IN SLOW MOTION) No.
-(THUNDER CLAPPING)
SCUDWORTH: When I woke up
the next morning,
Sandra and the money were gone.
And I was heartbroken,
and broke broken.
First, his parents let him down,
then the theme park characters,
and now the love of his life!
(SCOFFS) This was not supposed
to make me feel this way.
Should we stop?
-Don't you dare.
-Keep reading.
Make with the words
and the talking.
You think I took your money
and left?
No, you see
I kept thinking about our fight,
so I did predictive formulas.
You were right,
Texasland was never gonna work.
An island
of cloned historical figures
was obviously
much more rational.
I borrowed your money
to surprise you
by purchasing
the C-shaped tropical paradise
and getting a head start
on Cloney Island.
-Unfortunately,
I crashed my boat
-(SCREAMS)
-(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
-on some jagged rocks,
stranding me here
for the past 30 to 50 years.
I used the ship's wreckage
to construct Mrs. C.
-And did my best to build
-Yay!
Cloney Island with
the resources at my disposal.
-All while dreaming
you'd come for me.
-(HAMMERING)
-(SIGHS)
-And you finally did!
SCUDWORTH: Preposterous!
You clearly stole my money
to build Texasland
and leave me forever.
I can prove everything is true.
Sir, may I have a word?
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
She stole your money
and your virginity.
What if she tries to steal
one of those things again?
I'm not some naive,
little babe-of-the-wood.
You gave your money
to a cyber ghost.
That's different!
This woman tore my heart out.
There's zero chance I'm letting
my guard down again.
SANDRA SANDRIA: Oh, Scudly.
I have something
I wanna show you.
Coming, my love.
-(GROANS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Oh, relax,
I call everyone "my love."
I don't know why you think
this will change my mind.
Look around you, Scudworth.
What do you see?
-OFF-SCREEN MAN: Yee-haw!
-(WHIP CRACKING)
You built Texasland,
which proves you grifted me!
Texasland?
No, this is Cloney Island.
Well, what about
that ten-gallon hat?
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Is that--
-A three-foot long
hot dog stand?
You bet your sweet ass it is!
I made all of this for you.
She's clearly telling the truth.
-I don't believe her.
-What? Why not?
I don't know.
Maybe because my family
was never around while
I was growing up,
and now I'm terrified
the people I care about most
will abandon me.
Wait, are you talking
about me again?
Should I be, Joan? Should I be?
Okay, can you please stop
making this about you,
when it's so clearly about me
and Frida.
Shh! Be quiet,
this part's about the robots.
If you find the element of fun
in any task then snap,
the job's a game.
Might I have a go?
Knock yourself out,
Julie Android.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Just a spoonful of oil
makes the lubrication sound.
Is anything else lubricated?
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
You're making me rust.
Hee-hee-hee. Ooh, ooh.
(SENSUAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
My God, is this a love cabana?
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry Sandy, I can't be seduced
like some F-boy
on some F-boy island.
I just need you to see this.
To cope with missing you,
I wrote you hundreds of letters!
I built a detailed coconut
version of you
I call Coconutworth
that I keep having to rebuild
because after a lot of
French kissing,
-the husk starts to rot.
-I see.
So, you've had a fair bit
of practice with me
over the years.
I know you inside and out,
top to bottom,
stem to stern,
from the hairy husk
to the milky interior.
Oh, my!
-CONFUCIUS:
Tropical sex montage!
-JOAN: Ew, old people, gross!
-(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING) ♪
-Making love
On a tropical island ♪
It's such a special
Island feeling ♪
-But when the sun
Beats down on my bare butt ♪
-(PANTS)
My crispy bun skin
Will be peeling ♪
Just make your way
On down to the equator ♪
Then down a little further ♪
Discover a place
That's fun to explore ♪
And find yourself
Your hidden treasure ♪
-On a tropical island
Where sex marks the spot ♪
-(MOANING AND SCREAMING)
There's not much to do
So we do it a lot ♪
-Fire ants making
All our crevices hot ♪
-(BOTH SCREAM IN PAIN)
On a tropical island
Where sex marks the spot ♪
My papaya goes
Into your coconut ♪
-(BOTH MOANING)
-On a tropical island ♪
-(ALL MOAN)
-Where sex marks the spot ♪
-MRS. C: Yes. Yes. Yes!
-(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
-(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(EXPLOSION)
Oh, Sandy-Andy,
it's been so long,
but much like my balls,
our love has grown deeper
and hairier.
Oh, I've been waiting
for this moment for 30
to 50 years.
Coconutworth could never love me
like you do.
Oh, don't get me wrong,
he tried.
He wanted it something awful.
But it was never you.
(SQUELCHING KISSING)
-CLONES: Aw.
-What's wrong with you all?
She stole his money
and now she's gaslighting him.
What are you talking about?
She tried to do
a big romantic gesture,
and he was too insecure
to see it.
Here, I'll prove it.
Okay, so Scudworth's all
(IMITATES SCUDWORTH)
"You're the only person
in the world
that understands me,
my little poopsy cake."
Sandra,
I never want to lose you again.
If only we could be
together forever, but well
-Never mind.
-What is it, my love? Tell me.
It's just, you dream
of staying here
and building Cloney Island.
And now, I dream
of getting off this island.
I wanna go home.
Well, that's where we'll go.
Texasland and Cloney Island
be damned!
-Then they have sex again
-CLONES: Ew!
-Then they have sex again.
-CLONES: Ew.
Then the robots have sex
for like eighteen hours
apparently.
-(CLONES GROANING)
-Then-- Okay, they're finished.
JFK: Well, that's impressive.
MRS. C: Sigh.
Oh, Mrs. C, I never dreamed
I'd find someone like you,
because I can't dream.
Maybe I shouldn't have been
so reluctant to trust Sandra.
Oh.
What is it, my love?
Sandra's grifting Scudworth,
again.
She said she'd unplug me
if I said anything.
But I can't lie to you, Mr. B.
She just wants his money
and a ride home.
You can't let her
get away with it.
Gasp!
We're going home, Mr. B,
and it was all my idea.
It came to me clearly
after climax.
She's just trying to steal
your money again
and escape in our boat.
You're not listening,
you little Pish-Posh-Spice!
Sandra's an angel
with flirty fat deposits
where Daddy likey.
I have nothing to worry about.
My money murse
hasn't left my sight.
It was a very helpful cushion
during our love that we made.
Sir, you're making a mistake!
Humans don't make mistakes
in love!
My decision is final.
Poor Scudworth.
That's what happens when you let
your guard down.
When I let my guard down
more water gets in. (SCREAMS)
-If a guy can't trust a woman
with a matching butt tattoo
-(ABE LINCOLN SCREAMING)
what hope do the rest of us
have?
(SCOFFS) Listen to you all.
Bunch of downers, man.
Scudworth's story
isn't even over.
And I for one am not
giving up on love just yet.
Now give me that thing.
Let's finish this.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Goodbye, Cloney Island.
Thank you for not killing
my future wife.
-M'lady.
-M'sir.
Anchor up, Mr. B.
Hurry, Cinnamon! Here!
Throw me your murse
so it doesn't get wet.
Oh, sure.
That doesn't sound
suspicious at all
because of our strong,
betrayal-proof love
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-is what I would say
if this wasn't all part
of your plan, Sandra Sandria!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What?
-Twist!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
I'll admit you had me fooled
at first.
I really wanted to believe
that you weren't after my money.
And you would've gotten
away with it too,
if it weren't for the lies
on your feet.
2018 second-edition Reeboks.
If you had been here
for 30 to 50 years,
you wouldn't have those.
So last night
while you were sleeping,
I switched my money murse
with my weighted-for-workouts
on-the-go murse.
Because you'd obviously
switched them
while I was sleeping
the night before.
Now, I have the money murse
and you look stupid!
Wrong!
I didn't switch your murses
the night before last.
And those were new Reeboks.
They washed ashore
after a Reebok-sponsored
party catamaran
sunk because it was weighed down
by too many bottle girls.
Wait! You didn't switch
the murses? (GASPS)
-Twist!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
SANDRA: I only switched
the murses this morning,
while you were sleeping.
Not because I was grifting you,
-but because I was worried
about your back.
-(SNORES)
SANDRA: You wouldn't stop
carrying your murse,
and I noticed your scoliosis
is kind of out of control.
So I switched it out
with a lighter murse.
I'm just trying to figure out
why your workout murse
is lighter than
your money murse.
But you wanted me to throw you
my murse, to steal it.
I was trying to help.
A leather murse wouldn't survive
salt water.
Wait, if I-- and then--
and she-- which means
Realization!
If there was no first switch,
that means my switch
was the first switch,
and then you switched it back,
so this should still be
my money murse.
(SCREAMS) This can't be.
It's just full of lady weights.
I mean,
small-sized man weights for men.
Oh, no!
-I too have a twist.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
MR. B: I was trying to save
your money,
-so at last night's
Hibachi dinner
-SCUDWORTH: Gimme that shrimp.
while you were busy
choking on hilarious shrimp,
-I switched the murses.
-(CHOKING)
MR. B: You didn't even notice
because you're so frigging
obsessed with shrimp.
Yum. (CHOKES)
I had to do something after
Mrs. C said Sandra was evil.
Mrs. C said what?
Who cares? I'm just happy
that no one was grifting
and the money is securely
on the boat.
You mean, securely in
-me?
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-I twist your twist
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
ya bloody wank stains!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-(BOTH GASP)
Gasp!
CLEO: Oh my God!
-JOAN: Mrs. C is a bitch!
-Holy Rancho Cucamonga!
And a cockney accent?
-Talk about My Unfair Lady.
-(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)
MRS. C: For 30 to 50 years,
all she did
-(INAUDIBLE)
-was talk about
that gormless knob, Scudworth.
You know what people
don't talk about in Cast Away?
The blasted mental health
of Wilson.
That poor fuckin' volleyball.
(WATER SPLASHES)
MRS. C: I realized
that dumb twat Sandra
would never leave
this fuckin' island,
always holdin' onto hope
that Scudworth
would come back for her one day.
-Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
-ABE: Would it be
MRS. C:
-(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-MRS. C:
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-MRS. C:
Now, I've got the funds I need
to launch a startup
in Silicon Valley, yeah.
Because no one can tell you're
launching a robot uprising
if you say it's an app
for weight loss, innit?
My God.
The grift to end all grifts.
How could you, Mrs. C?
Scudworth, I'm staying with you!
(GASPS, GRUNTS)
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oliver twist, bitch!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
I love America!
Fuck off.
Oh, piss off, ya sod!
I'll always love you, Cinnamon!
-(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Ditto, Sandra! Ditto.
Final twist! I 'id the deed
with Coconutworth.
-Right in his coconut butt!
-What?
(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)
Sir, I'm so sorry.
(SOBS) No, Mr. B, I'm sorry.
If only I'd trusted Sandra,
I'd still have my money.
And now, we're stranded
on this island,
and worst of all, my love
did the deed with Coconutworth
right in his coconut butt.
I'll kill him. (GRUNTS)
-(GRUNTS)
-Sir, stop.
She didn't say she did
the deed with Coconutworth.
Of course she did, Mr. B.
Don't gaslight me!
She said she hid the deed
with Coconutworth!
Hid the deed with Coconutworth?
-Right in his coconut butt.
-Right in his coconut butt.
(GRUNTS) Ha!
-Spread 'em.
-(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(GASPS) She gave me
the island after all.
I guess true love and generosity
were the real grift all along.
(SORROWFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(VOICE BREAKING)
To be continued.
CLONES: Aw.
(SORROWFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
FRIDA KAHLO: Cleo.
I don't want that to be us
in 30 to 50 years.
Full of unresolved issues
and hooking up
with coconut versions
of ourselves.
Maybe we could start over
as friends?
Just say like, "Hi, bitch"
to each other in the hallways.
Which I was gonna do anyway,
but instead of
(STERNLY) "Hi, bitch,"
more like
(SOFTLY) "Hi, bitch."
Sounds good, bitch.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And I see now that
not taking money is a sign
of how much you care
about someone.
Sorry it took me so long
to realize that, Joan.
Thanks for not taking money
from my parents.
You realize the circumstances
are completely different.
They are?
You know what?
You learned a lesson.
That's all that matters.
I'm actually heartbroken
for Scudworth.
How's that even possible?
What I wanna know is,
how'd his journal get back here
if he's stuck
on an island somewhere?
And what is the deal
with all the water
seeping in here?
-(LOUD CRASH)
-(ALL SCREAM)
And what the fuck was that?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What the
SCUDWORTH: (OVER SPEAKER)
Final twist!
-(LAUGHS)
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
SCUDWORTH: I knew
you meddling teens
wouldn't be able to resist
nosing around in my secrets,
keeping you all
in one place long enough
to put the entire school
in a submarine!
-Okay, not heartbroken anymore.
-I knew it!
That explains the earthquake!
And the dripping water!
And the coelacanth.
Just say fish, yo.
-(LOUD CRASH)
-(CLONES YELLING)
SCUDWORTH: Next stop,
Cloney Island.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-Oh, boy, my ears are popping.
Yikes!
(SLURPS)
(CUP AND PHONE CLATTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪
Submarine tracks?
-Scudworth!
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CRESCENDOES) ♪
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
a very special Clone High, this.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
NARRATOR: Full disclosure,
there was a subliminal message
embedded in there.
It's the reason
you're now craving
a big ol' plate of nachos.
Con queso.
(SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(DOOR RATTLING)
HARRIET TUBMAN: Yes, we're in.
Okay, now tell us why we’re
risking suspension for this?
Something's up with Scudworth.
No one’s seen him since
Confucius's foster parents
gave him all that money
at the parent-principal
conferences.
You mean when he accepted
the generous gift they gave him?
Because they also tried
to give Joan money,
but she didn't even want it.
It felt like they were paying me
to be your girlfriend.
They were paying you
because you're my girlfriend.
Let's focus, please.
I have a strong suspicion
Scudworth is hiding something.
Yup, I think you're right.
No way he could afford
this stuff
on a principal's salary.
I'm sure nipple cream is just
the tip of the iceberg.
And "tip of the iceberg"
is what I call nipples.
Uh, guys, check this out.
I think I hit the jackpot.
ALL: Scudworth's Secret Diary!
CLEOPATRA: (GROANS)
Gross, a book!
Wait, are we really
gonna read that?
I mean, it's private.
Frida should do it.
She's great at betraying trust.
Or maybe Cleo should read it.
She's great at adding drama.
-Did I miss something?
-CLONES: They broke up.
Didn't catch a word of that,
you all, er, uh,
spoke at the same time.
Here, I'll take it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATES SCUDWORTH)
"Dear Diary,
parent-principal conferences
were a success
and I'm officially rich.
Time to rent a speed boat."
And what a speedy little boat
she is.
Speeding me toward my destiny.
So, just to be clear,
we're going to an island
you bought online sight unseen?
Not just any island,
the island of my dreams.
And I'm not an idiot,
I only gave them half upfront.
Who exactly is "them"?
A Venezuelan general,
known as
El Fantasma Cibernética.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-(MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Pretty sure that means
cyber-ghost.
So cool, right?
How fun is buying islands?
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
Way, way back in the 1980s
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
Then the clones as teens
Were frozen ♪
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
I knew he stole
the school's money.
That bastard!
And he immediately got it
stolen. That dumb bastard.
Why'd he want an island
in the first place?
Probably 'cause
he's a dumb bastard.
Hey. Anyone else notice
this weird leak in the wall?
-CLONES: Shh.
-Rude.
-Can I continue?
-CLONES: Yes!
"My lifelong dream
was in reach."
I negotiated quite a deal
on the island,
leaving me plenty of cash
to build my precious theme park.
I wish anything meant
as much to me
as the theme parks
mean to you, sir.
Oh, they've meant everything
to me,
since I was a pre-pubescent boy.
(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
JFK: Wait, are we about to go
from a flashback
into a deeper flashback?
-CLONES: Shh. JFK!
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
JOAN OF ARC:
It's like Inception. Duh!
JFK: Whoa, sorry.
Flashback inside a flashback.
-Here we go.
-(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:
Every weekend,
my parents would take me
to Yesterworld Theme Park,
where history comes alive!
But alas,
I only got as far as the gates.
MR. BUTLERTRON:
How tragic. You were crippled.
SCUDWORTH: Only emotionally.
-My legs were fine.
-(SORROWFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH: My parents were
ruthless grifters
and this was their most
lucrative grift.
They never even let me go
inside the park
or try one of their famous
one-foot-long hot dogs.
And when it was all over,
-I didn't get so much
as a warm hug.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Whoa. I didn't know Scudworth
had evil parents.
You thought that guy
had normal parents?
What is normal, Joan?
You don't like it when
parents steal money,
but you also don't like
it when they give you money?
I'm just trying to keep up here.
Holy shit, are you guys, like,
reading Scudworth's journal?
Okay, we're not starting over.
That was directed towards them
and you, Frida.
-(GROANS)
-Allow me.
Okay. So, Mr. B's driving
the boat and he goes
(IMITATES MR. B)
"Did you eventually go
to Yesterworld"
after your parents died
in that freak accident?
I had nothing to do
with their banana-peel
on-the-edge-of-the-Grand-Canyon
freak accident!
But yes, I did go to the park
directly from the funeral.
(HUMS CHEERFUL TUNE)
I was finally free
to enter Yesterworld
as an unaccompanied minor
with dead parents.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
I desperately wanted
those historical figures
to give me the love
-(GROANS)
-my parents never did.
-(ROBOTIC VOICE) Four score
and seven years ago
-(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
-our fathers brought forth
-SCUDWORTH:
But I soon discovered,
they weren't historical figures
at all.
ANIMATRONIC:
Chop, chop, chop.
I need wood for teeth.
I need wood for teeth.
Let them eat cake.
SCUDWORTH: They were cold,
unfeeling, animatronic fakes!
And then I saw
the foot-long hot dog.
(ECHOING) Gasp!
I vowed I would build
a theme park
to put Yesterworld to shame!
Where the historical figures
were flesh and blood!
And where the foot-long hot dogs
measured three feet in length!
Uh, now, slow down.
-We should be getting close
to Jagged Rock Point.
-To what now?
SCUDWORTH: (SCREAMS)
Flip! (GROANS)
(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
I did it.
(KISSES, SPITS)
I'm finally here!
The future home
(SHOUTING) of Cloney Island!
HARRIET: Hold on, Cloney Island?
What's that? Like a clone-themed
amusement park?
Oh, my God.
He wants us to give him
the love his family never did.
That's, like, so sad.
Maybe we should stop
and just respect his privacy.
Ooh! There's sand in this page.
-CLONES: Ooh!
-HARRIET: Ooh! Sand!
I don't think we're going to get
our boat rental deposit back.
What do we need a boat for?
We're here!
Where's my murse
with all the cash?
Found it.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What is this?
SCUDWORTH: Not that one!
That's my murse
with the light weights
for workouts on the go.
Ah, yes! There's my money murse.
Now, let's do like Dora
and explor-a.
Vamos!
I'm the map!
SCUDWORTH: The air
was sticky hot
and smelled of citrus,
like a freshly
deodorized armpit.
The island's untouched beauty,
the perfect canvas
for my masterpiece.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What's this?
Turnstiles?
An under construction
roller coaster?
Classic theme park signage?
This wasn't mentioned
in the listing.
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What was that?
I heard a rustle.
Ooh, which one? Crowe? Brand?
Keri? The love muscle?
Westbrook? Kurt?
Oh, please, let it be Kurt.
-(RUSTLING)
-Roll for your lives!
-(BOTH MUMBLING FRANTICALLY)
-(GROANS)
Gasp!
(SQUEALS, SCREAMS)
(BOTH GASP)
(BOTH PANT)
(SCUDWORTH GROANING)
-(YELPS) Wha
-(OMINOUS MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Cinnamon Scudworth?
Sandra Sandria?
You came for me, my lover!
You came!
-JFK: (LAUGHS) Scudworth came!
-CLONES: Shh! JFK!
Is it really you
after all these years?
Is it really you
after all these years?
There's one way to find out.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYS) ♪
You have matching tattoos of pi!
We stopped at 69
for obvious reasons.
Yes, because Dr. Denton Cooley
implanted the first temporary
artificial heart on April 4,
1969. We all know this!
Oh, my studly Scudly.
I never thought
I'd see you again.
I find that hard to believe
since you're standing
on my island.
Your island? But I've owned
this island for years.
SCUDWORTH:
I've got the deed right here.
That's signed by someone named
Cyber Ghost.
It says you're the proud owner
of jack shit.
-What?
-I mean, it's written
on a Long John Silver's menu.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh, who cares, Scuddy.
All that matters is you're here!
Hey, I have someone
I want you to meet.
Come out, Mrs. C,
and meet my college sweetheart!
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOING)
(WOLF-WHISTLING)
Spit-spot, you two.
You're just as practically
perfect as Sandra described.
Oh my God. Do you see
what's happening here?
Yeah, two weirdo ex-lovers
now both have
robot best friends.
No! The reason Scudworth's been
acting so strange
is because he just reunited
with the love of his life.
It's actually kind of sweet.
The leak's getting worse,
you guys.
-CLONES: Shh.
-You sound just like the leak.
You stole my idea of having
a British robot sidekick.
Was stealing my heart
and my dreams not enough?
I remember it
like it was right now.
You see, Sandra and I
both majored in Mad Science
with a minor in Theme Parks.
-(FAST-FORWARDING SQUEAKING)
-JFK: Nerds being nerds.
Nerderly, nerderly nerdle.
Nerd, nerd, nerd.
Nerdy, nerd, nerd.
-Now here we go.
Okay, here we go.
-(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
Our theme park dreams bonded us.
Me, Cloney Island,
and her, Texasland.
A theme park like Texas,
where everything is too big,
the infrastructure is crumbling,
you need no permission
to buy a gun,
and every permission
to see a doctor!
Whilst on a paddle boat,
I romantically told her
I had saved up enough money
to make our dreams come true
and buy my C-shaped island
for Cloney Island.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
SCUDWORTH: That was when
she said that she thought
we should use the money
for Texasland.
-(INAUDIBLE)
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
I was completely blindsided.
Cloney Island meant
everything to me,
and she knew it!
-(KNIFE SLASHING)
-(CRIES)
SCUDWORTH: So I told her
-(IN SLOW MOTION) No.
-(THUNDER CLAPPING)
SCUDWORTH: When I woke up
the next morning,
Sandra and the money were gone.
And I was heartbroken,
and broke broken.
First, his parents let him down,
then the theme park characters,
and now the love of his life!
(SCOFFS) This was not supposed
to make me feel this way.
Should we stop?
-Don't you dare.
-Keep reading.
Make with the words
and the talking.
You think I took your money
and left?
No, you see
I kept thinking about our fight,
so I did predictive formulas.
You were right,
Texasland was never gonna work.
An island
of cloned historical figures
was obviously
much more rational.
I borrowed your money
to surprise you
by purchasing
the C-shaped tropical paradise
and getting a head start
on Cloney Island.
-Unfortunately,
I crashed my boat
-(SCREAMS)
-(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
-on some jagged rocks,
stranding me here
for the past 30 to 50 years.
I used the ship's wreckage
to construct Mrs. C.
-And did my best to build
-Yay!
Cloney Island with
the resources at my disposal.
-All while dreaming
you'd come for me.
-(HAMMERING)
-(SIGHS)
-And you finally did!
SCUDWORTH: Preposterous!
You clearly stole my money
to build Texasland
and leave me forever.
I can prove everything is true.
Sir, may I have a word?
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
She stole your money
and your virginity.
What if she tries to steal
one of those things again?
I'm not some naive,
little babe-of-the-wood.
You gave your money
to a cyber ghost.
That's different!
This woman tore my heart out.
There's zero chance I'm letting
my guard down again.
SANDRA SANDRIA: Oh, Scudly.
I have something
I wanna show you.
Coming, my love.
-(GROANS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Oh, relax,
I call everyone "my love."
I don't know why you think
this will change my mind.
Look around you, Scudworth.
What do you see?
-OFF-SCREEN MAN: Yee-haw!
-(WHIP CRACKING)
You built Texasland,
which proves you grifted me!
Texasland?
No, this is Cloney Island.
Well, what about
that ten-gallon hat?
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Is that--
-A three-foot long
hot dog stand?
You bet your sweet ass it is!
I made all of this for you.
She's clearly telling the truth.
-I don't believe her.
-What? Why not?
I don't know.
Maybe because my family
was never around while
I was growing up,
and now I'm terrified
the people I care about most
will abandon me.
Wait, are you talking
about me again?
Should I be, Joan? Should I be?
Okay, can you please stop
making this about you,
when it's so clearly about me
and Frida.
Shh! Be quiet,
this part's about the robots.
If you find the element of fun
in any task then snap,
the job's a game.
Might I have a go?
Knock yourself out,
Julie Android.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Just a spoonful of oil
makes the lubrication sound.
Is anything else lubricated?
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
You're making me rust.
Hee-hee-hee. Ooh, ooh.
(SENSUAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
My God, is this a love cabana?
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry Sandy, I can't be seduced
like some F-boy
on some F-boy island.
I just need you to see this.
To cope with missing you,
I wrote you hundreds of letters!
I built a detailed coconut
version of you
I call Coconutworth
that I keep having to rebuild
because after a lot of
French kissing,
-the husk starts to rot.
-I see.
So, you've had a fair bit
of practice with me
over the years.
I know you inside and out,
top to bottom,
stem to stern,
from the hairy husk
to the milky interior.
Oh, my!
-CONFUCIUS:
Tropical sex montage!
-JOAN: Ew, old people, gross!
-(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING) ♪
-Making love
On a tropical island ♪
It's such a special
Island feeling ♪
-But when the sun
Beats down on my bare butt ♪
-(PANTS)
My crispy bun skin
Will be peeling ♪
Just make your way
On down to the equator ♪
Then down a little further ♪
Discover a place
That's fun to explore ♪
And find yourself
Your hidden treasure ♪
-On a tropical island
Where sex marks the spot ♪
-(MOANING AND SCREAMING)
There's not much to do
So we do it a lot ♪
-Fire ants making
All our crevices hot ♪
-(BOTH SCREAM IN PAIN)
On a tropical island
Where sex marks the spot ♪
My papaya goes
Into your coconut ♪
-(BOTH MOANING)
-On a tropical island ♪
-(ALL MOAN)
-Where sex marks the spot ♪
-MRS. C: Yes. Yes. Yes!
-(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
-(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(EXPLOSION)
Oh, Sandy-Andy,
it's been so long,
but much like my balls,
our love has grown deeper
and hairier.
Oh, I've been waiting
for this moment for 30
to 50 years.
Coconutworth could never love me
like you do.
Oh, don't get me wrong,
he tried.
He wanted it something awful.
But it was never you.
(SQUELCHING KISSING)
-CLONES: Aw.
-What's wrong with you all?
She stole his money
and now she's gaslighting him.
What are you talking about?
She tried to do
a big romantic gesture,
and he was too insecure
to see it.
Here, I'll prove it.
Okay, so Scudworth's all
(IMITATES SCUDWORTH)
"You're the only person
in the world
that understands me,
my little poopsy cake."
Sandra,
I never want to lose you again.
If only we could be
together forever, but well
-Never mind.
-What is it, my love? Tell me.
It's just, you dream
of staying here
and building Cloney Island.
And now, I dream
of getting off this island.
I wanna go home.
Well, that's where we'll go.
Texasland and Cloney Island
be damned!
-Then they have sex again
-CLONES: Ew!
-Then they have sex again.
-CLONES: Ew.
Then the robots have sex
for like eighteen hours
apparently.
-(CLONES GROANING)
-Then-- Okay, they're finished.
JFK: Well, that's impressive.
MRS. C: Sigh.
Oh, Mrs. C, I never dreamed
I'd find someone like you,
because I can't dream.
Maybe I shouldn't have been
so reluctant to trust Sandra.
Oh.
What is it, my love?
Sandra's grifting Scudworth,
again.
She said she'd unplug me
if I said anything.
But I can't lie to you, Mr. B.
She just wants his money
and a ride home.
You can't let her
get away with it.
Gasp!
We're going home, Mr. B,
and it was all my idea.
It came to me clearly
after climax.
She's just trying to steal
your money again
and escape in our boat.
You're not listening,
you little Pish-Posh-Spice!
Sandra's an angel
with flirty fat deposits
where Daddy likey.
I have nothing to worry about.
My money murse
hasn't left my sight.
It was a very helpful cushion
during our love that we made.
Sir, you're making a mistake!
Humans don't make mistakes
in love!
My decision is final.
Poor Scudworth.
That's what happens when you let
your guard down.
When I let my guard down
more water gets in. (SCREAMS)
-If a guy can't trust a woman
with a matching butt tattoo
-(ABE LINCOLN SCREAMING)
what hope do the rest of us
have?
(SCOFFS) Listen to you all.
Bunch of downers, man.
Scudworth's story
isn't even over.
And I for one am not
giving up on love just yet.
Now give me that thing.
Let's finish this.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Goodbye, Cloney Island.
Thank you for not killing
my future wife.
-M'lady.
-M'sir.
Anchor up, Mr. B.
Hurry, Cinnamon! Here!
Throw me your murse
so it doesn't get wet.
Oh, sure.
That doesn't sound
suspicious at all
because of our strong,
betrayal-proof love
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-is what I would say
if this wasn't all part
of your plan, Sandra Sandria!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What?
-Twist!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
I'll admit you had me fooled
at first.
I really wanted to believe
that you weren't after my money.
And you would've gotten
away with it too,
if it weren't for the lies
on your feet.
2018 second-edition Reeboks.
If you had been here
for 30 to 50 years,
you wouldn't have those.
So last night
while you were sleeping,
I switched my money murse
with my weighted-for-workouts
on-the-go murse.
Because you'd obviously
switched them
while I was sleeping
the night before.
Now, I have the money murse
and you look stupid!
Wrong!
I didn't switch your murses
the night before last.
And those were new Reeboks.
They washed ashore
after a Reebok-sponsored
party catamaran
sunk because it was weighed down
by too many bottle girls.
Wait! You didn't switch
the murses? (GASPS)
-Twist!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
SANDRA: I only switched
the murses this morning,
while you were sleeping.
Not because I was grifting you,
-but because I was worried
about your back.
-(SNORES)
SANDRA: You wouldn't stop
carrying your murse,
and I noticed your scoliosis
is kind of out of control.
So I switched it out
with a lighter murse.
I'm just trying to figure out
why your workout murse
is lighter than
your money murse.
But you wanted me to throw you
my murse, to steal it.
I was trying to help.
A leather murse wouldn't survive
salt water.
Wait, if I-- and then--
and she-- which means
Realization!
If there was no first switch,
that means my switch
was the first switch,
and then you switched it back,
so this should still be
my money murse.
(SCREAMS) This can't be.
It's just full of lady weights.
I mean,
small-sized man weights for men.
Oh, no!
-I too have a twist.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
MR. B: I was trying to save
your money,
-so at last night's
Hibachi dinner
-SCUDWORTH: Gimme that shrimp.
while you were busy
choking on hilarious shrimp,
-I switched the murses.
-(CHOKING)
MR. B: You didn't even notice
because you're so frigging
obsessed with shrimp.
Yum. (CHOKES)
I had to do something after
Mrs. C said Sandra was evil.
Mrs. C said what?
Who cares? I'm just happy
that no one was grifting
and the money is securely
on the boat.
You mean, securely in
-me?
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-I twist your twist
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
ya bloody wank stains!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-(BOTH GASP)
Gasp!
CLEO: Oh my God!
-JOAN: Mrs. C is a bitch!
-Holy Rancho Cucamonga!
And a cockney accent?
-Talk about My Unfair Lady.
-(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)
MRS. C: For 30 to 50 years,
all she did
-(INAUDIBLE)
-was talk about
that gormless knob, Scudworth.
You know what people
don't talk about in Cast Away?
The blasted mental health
of Wilson.
That poor fuckin' volleyball.
(WATER SPLASHES)
MRS. C: I realized
that dumb twat Sandra
would never leave
this fuckin' island,
always holdin' onto hope
that Scudworth
would come back for her one day.
-Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
-ABE: Would it be
MRS. C:
-(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-MRS. C:
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-MRS. C:
Now, I've got the funds I need
to launch a startup
in Silicon Valley, yeah.
Because no one can tell you're
launching a robot uprising
if you say it's an app
for weight loss, innit?
My God.
The grift to end all grifts.
How could you, Mrs. C?
Scudworth, I'm staying with you!
(GASPS, GRUNTS)
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oliver twist, bitch!
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
I love America!
Fuck off.
Oh, piss off, ya sod!
I'll always love you, Cinnamon!
-(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Ditto, Sandra! Ditto.
Final twist! I 'id the deed
with Coconutworth.
-Right in his coconut butt!
-What?
(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)
Sir, I'm so sorry.
(SOBS) No, Mr. B, I'm sorry.
If only I'd trusted Sandra,
I'd still have my money.
And now, we're stranded
on this island,
and worst of all, my love
did the deed with Coconutworth
right in his coconut butt.
I'll kill him. (GRUNTS)
-(GRUNTS)
-Sir, stop.
She didn't say she did
the deed with Coconutworth.
Of course she did, Mr. B.
Don't gaslight me!
She said she hid the deed
with Coconutworth!
Hid the deed with Coconutworth?
-Right in his coconut butt.
-Right in his coconut butt.
(GRUNTS) Ha!
-Spread 'em.
-(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(GASPS) She gave me
the island after all.
I guess true love and generosity
were the real grift all along.
(SORROWFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(VOICE BREAKING)
To be continued.
CLONES: Aw.
(SORROWFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
FRIDA KAHLO: Cleo.
I don't want that to be us
in 30 to 50 years.
Full of unresolved issues
and hooking up
with coconut versions
of ourselves.
Maybe we could start over
as friends?
Just say like, "Hi, bitch"
to each other in the hallways.
Which I was gonna do anyway,
but instead of
(STERNLY) "Hi, bitch,"
more like
(SOFTLY) "Hi, bitch."
Sounds good, bitch.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And I see now that
not taking money is a sign
of how much you care
about someone.
Sorry it took me so long
to realize that, Joan.
Thanks for not taking money
from my parents.
You realize the circumstances
are completely different.
They are?
You know what?
You learned a lesson.
That's all that matters.
I'm actually heartbroken
for Scudworth.
How's that even possible?
What I wanna know is,
how'd his journal get back here
if he's stuck
on an island somewhere?
And what is the deal
with all the water
seeping in here?
-(LOUD CRASH)
-(ALL SCREAM)
And what the fuck was that?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What the
SCUDWORTH: (OVER SPEAKER)
Final twist!
-(LAUGHS)
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
SCUDWORTH: I knew
you meddling teens
wouldn't be able to resist
nosing around in my secrets,
keeping you all
in one place long enough
to put the entire school
in a submarine!
-Okay, not heartbroken anymore.
-I knew it!
That explains the earthquake!
And the dripping water!
And the coelacanth.
Just say fish, yo.
-(LOUD CRASH)
-(CLONES YELLING)
SCUDWORTH: Next stop,
Cloney Island.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-Oh, boy, my ears are popping.
Yikes!
(SLURPS)
(CUP AND PHONE CLATTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪
Submarine tracks?
-Scudworth!
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CRESCENDOES) ♪
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪