Code Monkeys (2007) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: Jerry, check it out.
My chip looks like JFK's head.
Wait. Now it really does.
Jerry: Are you seriously going
to act like nothing is wrong
here, Dave?
Dave: What's wrong, dude?
I made a perfectly innocent joke
about the assassination of
our most beloved president
and the death of American
innocence.
Jerry: You know what I'm talking
about.
Dave: Hey, Jerry, I don't know
if you know this about me
or not, but I do a lot of
bad things.
Now, what is the specific bad
thing I did?
Jerry: Well, someone broke into
my place last night
and stole my brand-new
ImpalaVision video game console.
Dave: Dude, that's weird.
Me, too.
Jerry: I know it was you, Dave.
Dave: No, it wasn't.
Are you insane?
Jerry: You can't fool me.
Dave: Sure I can, dude. Any
halfway decent transvestite can.
But this time I did not.
Black Steve: Man,
that's [bleep] up.
My console got stolen, too.
Dave: Come on, Jerry.
I might be crazy enough to break
into your house
and steal something,
but am I crazy enough
to break into Black Steve's
house? No way.
Black Steve: Say what,
mother-[bleep]?
Jerry: Well, yeah, that's true,
but maybe you paid Black Steve
to say that to me.
Black Steve: You better back
[bleep] down, Jerry,
because nobody can buy my word,
except Mr. Pibb.
I have an exclusive contract.
Drink Mr. Pibb. It doesn't
pretend to be a doctor
unlike some other drinks.
Jerry: I don't know.
Mary: You know, Jerry, my
console was stolen
last night, too. There must be
some kind of serial burglar
in the neighborhood.
Todd: What, ho!
Did I hear renewed interest in
my pitch
for "Cereal Burglar:
A Breakfast Adventure"?
Mary: No!
Dave: Now do you believe me,
Jerry, or do you think
I formed a secret club with
Mary and Black Steve called
the Make Jerry Look Like
an Ass Club?
Black Steve: That club
sounds cool. Sign me up.
Jerry: Whatever. I hate you!
I hate you all!
[Sobbing]
Black Steve: If I had a nickel
for every time that happened,
I'd put those nickels in a sock
and beat Jerry unconscious.
Clare: for the best night
of my life.
Larrity: Are you fixin' to cry?
Jerry: No.
Larrity: Well, Jerry, hold it.
Come with me. It's
[Moo-eee]
muy importanto.
Jerry: Where are you taking me?
Larrity: To my throne room.
Jerry: You bought King Tut's
pissoir?
Larrity: Yes, I did, Jerry.
And that's just one of the many
wonders you're gonna see
as my new right-hand man.
-I'm your new right-hand man?
Larrity: Well, that all depends!
Which hand do you
jiggle it with?
Jerry: What?!
Larrity: Jerry, let me tell you
a little story.
It was a dark and blustery
night.
And I was trying to charm
a little tinkle out of
this old busted hose, by which
I mean my penis.
And you came in crying
and a-moanin'
about that old lesbo you're
in love with.
Jerry, crying:
Why doesn't she love me?
Jerry, voice-over:
She's not a lesbian.
She just wears sensible shoes.
Larrity, voice-over: Whatever
makes you feel better, Sally.
The sounds of your wussy little
tears rolling down your cheeks
started my own juices flowing,
if you catch my drift.
Jerry: I don't catch your drift.
Not at all.
-Jerry, I have a medical
condition called pee shyness.
And this condition poses
a special problem
for a businessman like myself
since most deals are sealed
at the urinal.
Jerry: Can't you just have
surgery for that?
Larrity: My potato ain't never
goin' under no peeler.
No, Jerry, every so often,
a man finds a pee charm.
And, son, you can charm the pee
right out of my whizzer gizzard.
Jerry: That literally
can't be true.
Larrity: I'm afraid it is.
You're my pee charm, Jerry.
I wish I could turn you into
a ring and wear you
around my business.
Walk with me, son.
Jerry: But you're standing
still.
Larrity: Walk around me, then,
like a caddie in heat.
You can go ahead and cry now.
[Jerry sobbing]
Larrity: Oh, boy. Yeah.
Keep them tears rolling.
[Larrity sighing]
That is all right.
[Zips up]
Jerry: Why are you putting
a dog collar on me now?
[Electricity crackles]
Larrity: From now on,
whenever you feel that mild
buzzing around your throat,
you come a-runnin', chief.
Jerry: I'm on permanent
pee call? Aah!
Larrity: Just ask me that again,
Jerry. You're free to go.
Jerry: Aah!
Larrity: A little slip.
My bad on that one.
Dave: Come on, man.
You have to have a couple
stashed in the back.
Clerk: I told you, sir.
All of our ImpalaVision consoles
were mysteriously stolen from
the store just last night.
Todd: Ah. Good morrow, David.
Clerk: What can I help you with,
fatty?
Todd: I require surveillance
equipment, the smallest
and subtlest you offer.
Dave: Are you spying on yourself
to find out if you're
a bigger douche than you
already are?
Because I can save you the time.
You are, in fact, a douche.
Todd: No. This is not
funny, Dave.
I suspect Mother is being
unfaithful.
-I thought your dad was dead.
-Yes, yes, he is.
Now, the surveillance equipment.
Clerk: We have just the thing.
Todd: It appears to
be a dispenser of libations.
Man: Exactly.
Todd: A midget stenographer?
Devilishly clever.
I will install this device
in Mother's bedroom, and her
sins will be cataloged
tout de suite by this man's
tiny covert hands.
Dave: Hey, do you have anything
in appliances that
can make me feel clean again?
Dave: Stop following me, man.
Todd: You will pay for that
midget, Dave.
[Man trilling]
Dave: Aah. OK, dudes,
what's the plan? I've got it.
I'll hold down Todd.
You rape him.
Then we go rob some banks.
Who's in? Raise their hand?
You're in? You?
Man: Silence!
Dave: Aah. You guys must be
foreign.
Slapping men went out
in the seventies.
Man: Much worse is to come.
Dave: Whoa. Todd, what the hell?
Todd: Sorry. When little Bilbo
gets scared,
he takes a wee in my shire.
[Tires screech]
Man: Welcome to Khakistan.
Dave: Man, this is bull-[bleep].
I'm gonna die with the person
I hate most in the world.
Todd: Take solace, dear friend,
for I am here as well.
Man: You are next!
Todd: David, it has been
a pleasure.
Dave: [Bleep] you, Todd.
[Gunshots]
Mahfouz:
Here are American programmers!
King: Thank you, Mahfouz.
Deaf as a dingbat.
His cochlear implants have not
arrived, but he means well.
Mahfouz: I have to go to
bathroom!
Dave: Ha! I thought I didn't
steal those consoles.
And now I know.
King: Yes, I stole
the infidel consoles.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the king of Khakistan--
Huj Asman.
Todd: Follow my lead, and we'll
get out of here alive.
I am an American citizen.
I demand that you let me go,
[Sobbing]
please!
I'll be your bitch.
I'll be your bitch so good.
I'll be the best bitch
you've ever had.
He'll be your bitch, too.
Ohh, please! I'm too young.
I just want to live.
Dave: Dude, what the hell!
Clearly, you stole all these
consoles to create
a network of supercomputers
capable of targeting
the greatest infidel cities of
the West.
Isn't that right, Asman?
Asman: No.
That would be crazy.
I have stolen all of the game
consoles in America in order
to drive up demand for your
American Christmas
and Jew Christmas.
Todd: Is this the North Pole?
Asman: Perhaps some history is
in order.
You see, for time untold,
Khakistan's only crop has been
khaki pants.
Dave: Dude,
I passed third grade.
Asman: Sadly, your government's
pants subsidies have allowed
The Gap to flood the market with
cheap khakis.
Dave: What the hell does that
have to do
with the game consoles?
Asman: We are broke.
That is why we have stolen
your ImpalaVision consoles.
When demand hits
an all-time high,
then we take the consoles to
the U.S. and sell them back
to you, making a killing in
our discount superstores.
Todd: I knew it.
Dave: No, you didn't.
Todd: No, I didn't.
Dave: OK.
I understand
your nefarious plot,
but why kidnap us?
Asman: Because the initial games
for the ImpalaVision are--
how do you say--sucky.
That's why I need
you--the famous programmers
Dave and Jerry.
Dave: Dave and Jerry?
Asman: Yes, I read your profile
in "Geek Week."
Dave: And if, for like some
silly reason,
your guards made a mistake
and we're
not exactly Dave and Jerry?
Asman: That would be very bad
for you, for I would be shamed.
I would lose my honor.
People would say
horrible things about my family.
The only way to reclaim my
honor would be
to cut off your penises
and eat them.
Todd: Actually, the plural of
penis is penii.
Dave: Mother Hubbard!
Shut up, dude.
We are Dave and Jerry, right,
Jerry?
Todd: Why don't you be Jerry?
Dave: Because that doesn't make
any [bleep] sense.
Right, Jerry?
Asman: Ha ha! Right, Jerry?
Todd, groaning: Right.
Asman: You are valued guests
in Khakistan.
Here. Have some of our
native crop,
pants fresh from the field.
Todd: Ooh, finally.
The pants fit good
with my ample stomach and
disproportionately short inseam.
The elastic waist is--oh, my
gosh--it's so soft.
Like the tongues of angels
licking my midsection
and undercarriage.
Asman: Yes.
Nothing cradles the civilization
like a fresh-picked pant.
Todd: I am finally home!
Woman: Bastards!
Larrity: Here we are, Jerry.
Anyone who matters has urinated
in these sacred halls.
These drains have tasted
the water of kings
and presidents
and Eleanor Roosevelt.
Jerry: Eleanor Roosevelt?
Larrity: Yes, siree.
She was packing meat heat. Heh!
That's why FDR was in that
wheelchair.
Wait. Whoa. Whoa. I got to deal
with that guy right over there.
When I signal, you come running.
Jerry: What's the signal?
[Electricity crackles]
Aah!
Oh, right. That signal.
Larrity: So you ready to make
a deal, Conrad?
Let me whip out my penis.
Conrad: I don't know, Big T. Not
much of a stream you got there.
I don't like to go into
business with people
unless they flow free.
Tells a lot about your
character.
Jerry: Aah!
[Sobbing]
Larrity: I know just what you
mean, C-Bone.
I feel the same way.
Conrad: Oh, you're flowing like
Robin Williams at
a comedy jam. We have a deal!
Let's cross steams to make
it official.
Oop. Got a little on me.
Larrity: Damn it, Jerry.
You are a pee genius.
Asman: This is where we make
the commercial
for your cable TV.
Dave: And probably a little
porno on the side, right?
Asman, laughing: Yes!
And it is quite racy.
Dave: What the hell is that?
Asman: She is
very attractive, yes?
That flash of ankle will give me
naughty dreams.
Todd: I just can't get over
these pants!
Asman: Enjoy them to
the fullest, Fat Jerry!
Now, you'll have to excuse me.
If we do not shoot now,
we will owe meal penalties.
Dave: I've always wanted to be
in a local commercial.
It's been a dream of mine.
Asman: Be my guest.
But please refrain from getting
in my light.
Director: And action.
[Asman speaking native language]
King Huj Asman
[Trilling]
General: We got this
tape from a safe house.
Bring them in.
General 2: Where did you get
this terrorist video?
Man: It's a tape
of "The Price is Right,"
a commercial there between
Plinko and Cliffhangers.
General 3: A likely story. Now,
tell us what he's saying?
Man: The translation is right
there on the screen.
He's offering prices you simply
won't believe.
General 1: I know
I want you to tell me what he's
actually saying in Arab.
Man: Literally,
his "prices are insane."
General 3: Have these people
deported.
Man: But we're from Trenton,
New Jersey.
General 2: I hate to think what
waits for you back there.
General 3: Look on the screen.
He seems to have some Americans
with him.
Asman: This is the room where
you will work your magic.
Todd: This room will do.
Blazzer cradabra.
Note to self: my magic does not
work in the Middle East.
Asman: Yes, the Jews have taken
all our magic.
We used to fly around on
carpets, but, sadly,
those days are gone.
Dave: He means programming
magic, assman. Asman.
Asman: Yes, programming.
You will work here and make
the best game
ImpalaVision has ever seen.
[Rifle cocks]
Or else.
General 3: I got
the Americans' I.D.s.
General 2: Oh, yeah. These two
are in the system.
General 3: Dave. Let's see.
Possession, possession,
possession, possession,
possession, possession,
possession. Some of these
characters never learn.
General 1: Sure. But look at
the Todd one's rap sheet.
General 2: Oh, my God.
Those are things no doll should
ever see.
[Barfs]
General 1: Oh! It says they work
at a place called GameAVision.
Go there and gather as much
information as you can.
General 2: Oh. And see if you
can find out when
"Bacon Avenger II"
is coming out.
My kids love that game.
Fox: I'm Special Agent Fox,
and this is my partner
Special Agent Dana.
Can you I.D. these men?
Mary: What did they do now?
Dana: Ma'am, that's classified.
All we can tell you is that
they're in Khakistan
and they're in grave danger
and the moon landing wasn't real
and the food pyramid is a scam.
Black Steve: I knew it.
[Bleep] legumes! My black ass.
Ain't no damn thing
[le-goomz]
as no [bleep] legumes.
Man: Excuse me, Black Steven.
I believe it's pronounced
[Pistol cocks, man groaning]
Jerry: Look, Dave's got a whole
pile of ImpalaVision consoles.
I knew it. I knew it all along.
But why would he take them to
Khakistan?
Fox: We were hoping you
could tell us.
Jerry: Dave probably pulled this
whole stunt to piss me off.
What a jerk.
Dana: He'll get his.
You see, we're about to give
Khakistan a taste of freedom.
And freedom tastes like
cluster bombs.
[Electricity crackles]
Jerry: Excuse me. I have to help
an old man empty his reservoir.
I'll be right back.
Man: Please rise for U.N.
Secretary-General Hans Job.
Hans: Thank you. The United
States has asked to brief us
on a security issues.
Rear Admiral Gay Stuffington
will present findings about
the secret Khakistani
weapons program.
Gay: Thank you. As stated,
my name is Gay Stuffington,
and I am a rear admiral
of the United States Navy.
[Stifled laughter,
audience member coughs]
King Hug Asman has stolen
thousands of video game consoles
in order to create a superweapon
capable of launching
straight out of the Pantland.
Guy from China. Yes, you
have a question. What is it?
Guy: OK, how can a game console
do this?
Gay: Now, look, foreigners,
no one console is capable
of this on its own, but you put
two consoles together,
and you get this.
Three or more consoles, and you
have this.
Chinese man: OK, we're
gonna bomb them.
OK, this is wartime.
[Applause]
Man: Yugoslavia needs pants.
Todd: What are you doing?
Ah, I see, escape--
Capital! Capital!
Dave: No. Suicide is the only
way out of here,
so this is the plan.
I'm gonna steal a gun
from the guards,
then I'm gonna hang you.
Then I'm gonna get some
sleeping pills for myself.
Todd: Then why do you require
the gun?
Dave: I'm gonna shoot you
in the face.
That way, you can't have
an open casket funeral.
You know, a sort of
final [bleep] you.
Todd: Ohh! My lower lumbar.
[Pipe creaks]
Dave, deadpan: Great.
Jerry: Dave was my best friend
before he stole my console
like a complete jerk.
Mary: Look, they're on TV.
Clare: Ew. What's going on?
[Asman speaking Native language]
Asman: The King Huj Asman
Jerry: Oh, my gosh. You guys,
it is Dave and Todd.
This must be why Agents Fox
and Dana were here.
Dave and Todd have been
kidnapped by terrorists.
Mary: What?
Black Steve:
Jerry, you ignorant bitch.
Those cats aren't terrorists,
unless you count terrorizing
the big chain stores by selling
consoles at crazy low prices.
Benny: You speak Arabic?
Black Steve: As a matter of
fact, I spent
the summer of my junior year
in Djibouti.
Clare: Ew. Did it smell?
Black Steve: It's a country
in North Africa, dummy.
I learned conversational Arabic.
Looks like Dave and Todd have
gotten themselves mixed up
in a Khakistani stolen console
racket.
Dave: But didn't those special
agents say that they
were going to bomb Khakistan?
Larrity: Yeah.
Looks like you're gonna be
wearing Toughskins from now on.
I gots to pee.
Jerry, if you please.
Larrity: Why did you stop?
I got nicks that need
your scratching.
Jerry: No way, Mr. Larrity.
You're not peeing until you
commit to rescuing Dave
and Todd, I guess.
Larrity: Jerry, I didn't get to
this point in my life by
letting pee charms
walk all over me.
Dave and Todd are traitors to
this country
and, frankly, a drag on
the payroll.
They are dead to me.
Jerry: Then your prostate is
dead to me.
Larrity: Is that right?
Jerry: Aah! I won't give in.
Larrity: You're weak, Jerry.
Submit.
Jerry: Aah! You can't break me.
We have to save Dave! Aah!
Ross Perot did it.
Larrity: What was that?
Jerry: Ross Perot rescued his
people from Iran.
But I guess you're
no Ross Perot, Mr. Larrity.
Larrity: That big-eared
pipsqueak?
I used to stuff him in the
trashcan back in high school.
Ain't nobody gonna say
Ross Perot is
a bigger man than me, well,
except maybe in the britches.
He's a surpriser there.
Jerry: What are you saying, sir?
Larrity: I'm saying he's got
a big johnson.
Jerry: No, I mean about Dave.
Larrity: I ain't never seen his
stretched out,
but he walks around like he's
got a big'un.
Jerry: No. I mean about getting
Dave out of Khakistan
before it's bombed.
Larrity: Jerry, well, I reckon
we gots an extraction to
perform.
-Awesome!
-Let's shake on it.
Oh, yeah, that's better. Ahh.
Now let's get that whirlybird
a-spinnin'.
Larrity: Karate chop. Hyah!
Black Steve: Do that again, and
we're gonna have a problem.
Larrity: Damn it, son.
I'm trying to knock you out
on account of you being afraid
to fly.
Black Steve: Man, that's
a racist misconception.
Larrity: Well, my face is
as red as a hooker with blood
all over her.
Can I knock you out anyway?
Black Steve: Hell no.
Jerry: I can't feel my arm!
Larrity: That's good.
Less pain that way.
And when we land, you'll be able
to give yourself
the best stranger you ever had.
Jerry: Please help me.
Larrity: Sorry, boy.
I gots to close the door.
Just looking at you makes me
spring a leak.
Jerry: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Todd: OK, you don't like my game
"Lord of the Rings:
Fellowship of the Nerds."
But I think you can
hardly deny
"The Sandwiches of Eastwick."
Three sultry sandwiches--
salami, turkey, and, of course,
pimento loaf--must navigate
the treacherous--
Dave: Todd, shut up. I'd rather
drink my way out
of this Turdville than hear any
more of your lame-ass ideas.
Larrity: Let's go.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Dean: Get over here!
Larrity: Jerry,
run out ahead so I
don't have to look at your face.
Jerry: But my whole body
is numb.
Larrity: Well, that's good.
We'll use you for a shield.
Men, let's make some
baba ghanoush out there.
[Upbeat video game
synthesizer music]
[Sound of bowling ball
striking pins]
Dave: Whoa. What the hell are
you guys doing here?
Larrity: We're getting you out
of this hell hole.
Todd: Wait. I must take home
some of these wonderful pants.
Black Steve: No time.
Todd: No! Pants!
Asman: The Jews have come
for Dave and Jerry.
We'll get you for this, Jews!
[Camera shutter clicks]
Jerry: I'm sorry I thought you
stole my console, man.
Dave: Shh. Porn channel.
Vampire on TV: Good evening.
Look into my eyes.
I'm Count Jacula, and I want
you to suck my c--
Dave: What?!
News anchor: We interrupt
this airing of "Count Jacula"
to bring you this breaking news.
Dave: Damn it. Now I'll never
know what he wants her to suck.
News anchor 2: The United States
has just bombed
the pants-growing nation of
Khakistan.
The Army's taking over
their pants fields as we speak.
News anchor 1: Thank goodness.
Can you imagine if we had
to live without pants?
Dave: May I make a pro-American
statement here?
I'm glad to be back in the U.S.
It's good to know that I live
in a rich country
where we don't have to worry
about our access
to food or pants.
But, Jerry, I learned something
in my time away.
The people of Khakistan are my
brothers and sisters.
And because of that, I, Dave,
will only put on my pants
when there is peace in
the Middle East!
Jerry: Ah, come on, man. I can't
concentrate like that.
Dave: Shh. No. Fair warning,
dude.
I'm about to violate myself
in 10 seconds.
-Dave!
-10, 9, 8
Jerry: No, it's locked!
Dave: That's not my fault, dude.
2, 1. Challenger,
go to throttle up.
[Jerry screaming]
[Elephant trumpets]
Conrad: I don't know, Big T. Not
much of a stream you got there.