Cougar Town s02e09 Episode Script

Morning.
Wow, OK.
Hey, there.
Let's and break.
Can I give you some constructive criticism? As long as you start with something nice.
You are a great gal, really smart and funny - I can swim real fast.
- So fast.
But your hugs are too intense.
I love them.
Not really.
But with people you aren't sleeping with, you can't give them a stab-me-with-your-pelvic-bone hug.
- But people love them.
- But people don't.
Look, just dial it back a little, OK? Say I'm a grocery boy who just helped you with your groceries.
How do you thank me? See, that's, that's a little much.
OK.
Aw! Happy Thanksgiving break, sweetie.
So glad you could make it, Kevin.
- Jules? - I can't help it.
It's like hugging a sofa.
Thank you for having me, Miss Cobb.
Sir.
Let's go.
Did you notice that Kevin just thanked both of us? This is our first Thanksgiving that we're hosting together.
Are you sure you're ready? I was here last year.
How does hosting make this any different? We'll probably have sex afterwards.
I think I'm ready.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ugh.
Andy, your brother called me because you're not picking up your cell.
Big Maria and Little Maria and Wheelchair Maria all say hi.
Dear God, I hate your family.
- Sorry, babe, I lost my cell.
- My life would fall apart without my phone.
- It's like my second brain.
- Only brain.
It has my calendar, my email, all my apps.
Like, my birth control reminder.
- My up-do-how-to - Oh My death-row tracker so it vibrates every time someone gets executed.
Yeah.
My candy journal, my dramatic music sting, my virtual horse Really? Cause' I just downloaded an app app.
When you shake it, Zach Braff tells you what appetizer to order.
How about some potato skins? - Yum! - Goodbye.
Honey, did you cancel your cell yet? Nah, someone will bring it back.
Everything goes my way.
You know why? Because I believe it will.
Is he being serious right now? 'Cause if he is, I want to punch you in the face.
It won't stop him.
He's the world's biggest optimist.
Ugh.
I love pot stickers.
Waiter! - Thank you.
- Hi.
Hey, sister.
Whip me up a 'aramel macchitata, two 'spresso pumps - and a crap-Ioada extra foam.
- I'm sorry.
What? 'Aramel macch, two 'spresso pumps, crap-Ioada foam.
- I can't understand you.
- Crap load of foam, girl.
Crap load of foam.
It was ridiculous.
You guys understand what I say, right? It should be me.
Listen, I probably should have brought this up to you in our fifth or sixth year of marriage, but, you see, sometimes when you talk too quickly or, um, too quietly - Yeah.
- Or, well, just when you talk at all Get to it.
Bobby, we can't understand one word you say.
Or, as you would put it, "We can't grouberdan yur frazzle dazzle.
" Y'all think you're funnier than a barrel full of Foxworthys, but you're not.
Bobby, you're right.
We're sorry.
What did he just say? - Got me.
- No idea.
Frazzle dazzle! Oh, no, no.
No cashews.
I'm allergic.
Cashews, penicillin and cat dander, whatever the hell that is.
Oh, I'm allergic to oysters, onions and my ex wife.
No, seriously.
She's right there.
- Wow.
Are those real? - Yeah.
Grayson? Happy Thanksgiving.
Vivian.
You remember Jules, our old neighbor.
Hey, Viv! Missed you.
You know, I'm sorry, I'm bad at hugs.
Jules and I are together now.
That's why she's acting so weird.
You always did like to watch her jog.
That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well, it was good to see you both.
You, too.
Thank God that is over.
Oh, good, we're following her.
OK, I have been so upset about your lost phone that I forgot to tend to my virtual horse's virtual broken leg and I had to virtually shoot him in the head.
- Your life is so dumb.
- Not now, Golden Girl.
Andy, your phone isn't coming back.
I mean, have you even called it to see who picks up? - Let's do that.
- OK.
Wait.
What? Oh, it's Laurie.
She's fun.
Hey, Laurie, it was returned.
Ha! Interesting.
Bye.
Hand-delivered by a tiny Chinese man who also gave me a scalp massage to die for.
- Was he a masseuse or something? - Nope, just happened.
No! What if being optimistic actually makes good things happen in your life? Hmm? In your head, it's all doom and gloom.
In my head, I hear music.
It's all bouncy, positive stuff, like reggae.
# The phone come back # The life is good # Me scalp got rubbed # By a Chinese dude # Jamaica # Oh, doh, doh, doh # I am going to beat the optimism out of that man.
- And I know he's your husband, but - Laurie, enough.
I'm in.
Great shopping with you, Vivers.
- Why did we have to follow her? - I'm sorry.
It's just that I saw her last Thanksgiving and she was with her new husband and pregnant.
She looked at me with such pity.
It was like, "My life's so great and you've got nothing.
" Hey.
But now, I have everything.
I just needed her to see that.
- What? - Nothing.
It's just, this is so awesome, just keep going.
I'm happier with you than I have ever been in my life.
Grayson.
- I love you.
- Jules Thank you.
We still got to get some yams, right? - Yeah, aisle two.
Yeah.
- Yams? Yeah, aisle two.
So he didn't say "I love you" back.
It's not a big deal, right? You promised you wouldn't say it before he did.
It just slipped out.
It was like a soda burp.
Look, we've been really into each other lately.
The other morning, we were in the shower What? Hey, Kev.
How you doing over there? All good.
Just chilling while Trav video chats with his lady.
Babe, why do you always make me do this? You love it.
Ooh! Slow song.
- They video dance.
- Hmm? - I hate it.
- And that's Kevin.
- Oh, absolutely.
- OK.
You know why I'm not going to panic about Grayson? Because he wanted to say it, he just We were in the grocery store.
We all know how much he hates fluorescent lights.
- I didn't know he - Shh! I just gotta give him a little push.
That's why I have to make this the most romantic Thanksgiving ever.
That's my plan, tell me it's great.
Thanksgiving is not a sexy holiday.
Ellie thinks it's great.
Laurie? In my family, we had to kill our own turkeys.
The way those little turkey orphans would look up at you.
Don't tell me that turkeys can't cry.
This will work.
All right, freeze.
You too, Tiny Dancer.
- Kevin! - Your outfits are unacceptable.
I want you all to be swanky.
Now, go.
Ah Much better.
You know, Katy Perry wore at the MTV Music Awards.
I'm gonna beat that tonight.
I am pulling out all of my A-list outfits.
- Starting with the one after this? - Seriously? All right, no fighting.
Not on romantic Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna get some candles and my Teddy Pendergrass CD.
Where should I put this wine? - In our bodies.
- Oh.
That is so sweet.
Thank you.
- Here you go.
- Cheers.
OK, let's kill his optimism.
How do we do that? He needs to lose something he can never get back.
Something really meaningful.
How about fried grapes? They were Elvis' favorite.
Not now, Zach.
Something meaningful like what? Like, his wedding ring? - Oh, my God.
You just boosted that? - Hmm-hmm.
- Aw.
What's the inscription say? - Oh, nothing "Too legit to quit"? Andy thought it was timeless.
Stupid 90s.
Hey, everybody.
Wow.
What's with the boot-knocking grooves? - Is that Teddy Pendergrass? - It's his Thanksgiving album.
It's the same songs, but instead of saying "making love" - he says "eating turkey.
" - No, he doesn't.
Listen.
- # I wanna make sweet love to you - OK.
Do you wanna argue about lyrics, or do you wanna start your co-hosting duties by having some champagne and maybe making out with me? - The second one.
- Really? That guy is more whipped than a What are you laughing at? That was intentional gibberish.
Do you really care that little about what I have to say? Dad, no.
We understand big chunks of you.
Sometimes whole paragraphs.
And when we don't understand, we still get your tone.
Not helping, Trav.
- What are you looking for? - My wedding ring.
I don't know how it fell off.
It usually gets knotted up in my knuckle hair.
Those rings are a symbol of your love! Oh, no.
I'm so sad, I can't catch my breath.
Dial it down.
I'm OK.
I'm better.
Ah, I'll find it.
Everything comes back to me.
Hey, maybe it slipped off when I took off my weightlifting gloves.
Pow! Pow! Sucka! - Is that a burqa? - I don't know.
What's a burqa? I'm glad no one else is here.
I like cooking with you alone.
Hey, what about trying some of my stuffing? Oops.
Oh, you got some on your lip.
Let me get it.
- Hmm - Do you know where Dad is? Probably somewhere not being a third wheel.
You know, I can't stop thinking about what you said yesterday.
Jules, you're so special to me, - and I want you to know - I wanna know.
- Well, I need you to know - Tell me.
That I - Oh, my God.
Is that your stomach? - What's in that stuffing? What? The oyster stuffing? I forgot you were allergic! How bad is it? Oh, God! All right.
Why are you looking in here? The ring is gone.
Just give it up and admit that sometimes things don't go your way.
If it really is gone, I have to believe it happened for a reason.
Maybe it's because we need new rings since the "Too legit to quit" engravings you chose are a little outdated.
- You chose them? - Hammer's an artist, he's been overlooked! I promise though, one way or another, good will come to us.
Maybe, I'll get to marry you all over again.
Barf.
- I married a Care Bear.
- He can't be defeated.
- Agreed.
- Just give him his ring back.
- I gave it to you.
- That was like four outfits ago! Hey, Dad.
You know what will cheer you up? Our annual Turkey Day game of catch.
OK, I get that you're mad, but I'm not sure who you're punishing by letting the ball hit you Oh, a key.
He locks his mouth and You can't figure out how to swallow the key with a locked mouth, can you? Fine, didn't want to do this, but come on.
You remember when you won $300 off that lotto scratcher and I videotaped it? - Yeah, so? - Well, you're mad at us because we can't understand you but why don't you tell me exactly what it is you said? Whoo! Boy, 300 smackeroonies.
Sweet Lady Victory, show me your boobies, son! We're gonna be eatin' beef bourguillon tonight! Whoo! I'm a monster.
Oh You feeling a little better? Your color's coming back.
Well, maybe not in your face.
But look at your hands.
They're purple.
That's good, right? Cool, cool porcelain.
Do you want me to get you a ginger ale, or would you like me to stay here, so you can finish what you were saying before? Oh, God.
I get a little sick when I hear other people throw up.
Oh Yeah, yep, here it comes.
Hold my hand, it can still be romantic.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Ow, ow, ow This soft, fleecy blanket hurts? Man, you're my Thanksgiving co-host.
You know, the food's gonna be ready in about an hour, you think there's any chance you might make it over if I stall for a while? - You mean like a month? - Baby.
- Ow.
- OK.
Ah Big Carl.
You can almost fix everything.
I can't believe you lost the ring! It's your fault for giving it to me, lady.
Jules, are you gonna help look? I know Grayson's not coming over because he's sick.
But thanks to that stupid "I love you," I feel like it's still rejection.
Honey, why don't you go back over there and just ask whether he loves you or not? If he says he loves me, I will always think it's because I pushed him.
Plus, he'll resent me for putting pressure on him.
Stuff like that always ends relationships.
- Yep, yep.
- Has anyone tried frisking Laurie? Sometimes my missing stuff actually ends up in weird spots on her body.
- So not true.
- Really? Last week, my earring, your armpit.
It happened.
Yeah.
It did.
Check my undies.
Gotcha! You know, I feel stupid in this dress.
That's enough.
It was funny 'cause I'm not wearing any underwear.
I know.
I got it.
Guys, the romantic Thanksgiving is over.
If you wanna change clothes, go ahead.
I am much more comfortable like this.
No, no, no.
I don't like that.
Andy, we need to apologize for something.
And you know how apologizing makes me resent our love, so even though I look away and act like I don't care, know that I feel really, really bad.
Laurie, go.
You were so annoying with all your positive, reggae stuff that we took your ring.
And then we lost it.
Whatever, I don't care.
- This is so exciting.
- What? I mean, there's got to be a reason this happened, right? I can't wait to find out what it is, can you? - Oh, brother.
- I take back my awesome apology.
Too late.
Thank you for loving me so much.
Do you have an app that shows how to murder your husband - without getting caught? - I do.
Hold on.
I just have to find it.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Oh, hold on.
Wait, I must have gone up, I'm gonna go back.
Hold on.
- How about - Sorry.
That was an accident.
Zach! Hold on.
Hold on.
No, you hang up first.
No, you.
No, you.
No, you.
You, you Problem solved.
- I'm sorry, Trav.
- Redialing.
All right.
Screw it, I'm gonna go ask Grayson if he loves me.
But you said that always ends relationships.
That was ten minutes ago.
- Oh, but - Don't bother.
Once she gets like this, nothing can stop her.
Hey, where're you going? Talk to Grayson, ask if he loves me, ruin everything.
Oh, no, no.
Wait.
This is the reason! I am supposed to be here looking for my ring right now to keep you from going over there and making a total a You know what, no, forget that.
Look, yesterday, you guys were happy.
So, just chill.
Everything's gonna be fine.
When you are this optimistic, it is hard not to punch you.
Seriously, my hand is literally shaking I wanna punch you so bad.
Well, you could either punch me and then go over there and ruin everything, or you can just believe that things with you and Grayson will keep getting better 'cause you're the type of person who deserves to be happy.
Oh, look.
Look.
My wedding ring.
Ah That's cool.
- Want to go back inside? - Yes.
# Me ring come back # The Jules calm down No.
All right, Mr.
Happy Pants, tone it down.
Just get in the house.
Are you ready? Count of three.
One, two, th Hello? Hello? Is your girlfriend having a nice holiday with her family? Look, I like the way you talk, OK? I'm already starting to miss it.
Give me a taste of old Bobby.
Old Bobby-baroo.
You figured out a way to swallow the key.
I love you, Dad.
People don't understand me, either.
That's why I don't talk as much.
Have you been sitting there the whole time? All my friends make fun of me.
The only one who doesn't is Travis.
Makes sense now.
He was raised by a mumbly.
- A bumblebee? - A mumbly.
You should be grateful you have friends that love you the way that you are.
- Are we done talking now? - Hmm-hmm.
OK, everyone.
I present you the turkey, and Laurie Keller's ninth and final outfit.
I would've beaten Katy Perry, but I ran out of boob tape.
Aw Still, I have never been prouder of myself.
So - Yeah.
- Nice.
OK, everyone.
Let's join hands.
You know, every year this blessing gets easier for me because I am more and more thankful for all of you in my life.
You all give me so much love that, I don't know, sometimes I hope I give enough back to you.
You do.
Seriously, it is amazing to stand here and know that if I ever needed any one of you, that you would Hold on, hold on, hold, hold on.
I can't miss the toast.
OK, go ahead.
If I ever needed any one of you, that you would be there for me.
So, thank you so much.
I love you guys.
Let's eat.
Yeah.
- Pass the potatoes.
- All right.
- Who's gonna carve the bird? - I'll carve the bird.
- You're gonna carve it.
- Jules what I was going to say, before you poisoned me I'm so lucky that I found you.
I'm not as open and quick with my feelings as you are, but, thanks for not putting any pressure on me.
- You take as much time as you need.
- But not too much time, right? - I wouldn't.
- Right.
I like marsupials, man.
- Dinga-dinga-ding - Yep.
Dinga-dinga-ding.
OK.
You all know the rules.
First team to guess what in Sam Hill we were saying gets a point.
- This is way better than Pictionary.
- Go! OK, all right, golf balls.
- Eagles.
- Galapagos Islands.
- Thing you take off your body.
- Bolshevik Revolution or a - All right.
- Dinga-ding-ding! - Jules! - Um, we're gonna go with animals.
Yeah, baby.
Yes! - No.
- He said no.
- Really? - No.
- All right.
We're gonna do this again.
- No point.
No point, no point, no point.