Coupling (2000) s02e09 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps It's up to you.
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
Oh, for God's sake Giselle, will you please|stop talking to me like that, I'm not a child! If you have a complaint|about my work, You can take it straight|to Julia Davis.
Susan don't you "Susan" me.
I'm happy to work|with you on this project, But we have to have|a sensible working relationship.
I am sorry.
This is how we|do things in France.
I rather doubt that.
And believe me,|Julia will not be happy That you are taking|this attitude.
I am sorry,|my english is not so good.
You are going too fast.
Oui.
Au revoir.
Uh, sorry.
It's just well, i, uh I really like|French women, that's all.
No! He thought you were French? I think that was the only|reason he was interested.
Why were you talking|in french, anyway? Oh, a new client.
Giselle, the French bitch.
This is someone|you don't like? Oh, I love it|when that happens.
Makes you seem|like a person.
She's supposed to be|coming around for a drink With Steve and i|this evening, But I've just told her|to sod off.
It must be really great|being a French bitch.
It must be|so much easier.
Easier? I've always wanted|to be French, But I've never had|the opportunities.
So what was the guy like? I'm with Steve now.
Yeah, but if you had|a night off from Steve, Is he the kind of guy|you'd go for? There's nobody|I'd go for absolutely nobody,|nobody at all.
Or an Australian.
An Australian?|Sorry.
I don't quite know|where that came from.
Australians are her weakness.
|Sally we drove around Australia|ten years ago, remember? I remember who was in the|driving seat for the whole trip.
Your ovaries.
She's exaggerating.
We always knew|it was time to skip town When a bar|was named after her.
So this guy,|was he an Australian? No, he was just a guy,|nothing special.
Anyway, he only liked me|'cause he thought I was French.
So what happened? He asked me|if I had a boyfriend, And I said yes, And that's all|there is to it.
So, I bet you've got|a boyfriend then, eh? Oul.
You let him think|you were French! Why? I don't know.
|It just happened.
It was just|fun to pretend.
Oh, I know|all about pretending.
I once went on holiday|and pretended to be twins.
It was amazing fun.
I invented this mad,|glamorous sister And went 'round|really annoying everybody.
I could get away with anything|when I was my crazy twin Jane.
You're Jane.
Kinda stuck.
|It's a long story.
You know what it's like|a year into a relationship.
Steve's wonderful.
|I love him to bits.
It's just he never thinks|I'm French anymore.
Yeah.
|Right.
Do you know|what I mean by that? No.
|Not at all.
Well, you know what|it's like at the start, When they're all|fiery-eyed and eager And they haven't|seen you naked yet.
And it's like he's|smashing at your door With his mighty battering ram, And he's promising|to ravish you forever.
So you brace yourself|for man overload And throw open the doors, And what do you find|standing there? An oversized toddler|who wants his dinner.
And before you can say There's been|a terrible mistake, He's snoring on your sofa, And the whole place|smells of feet.
Oh, and now I'm feeling|really guilty.
I'm gonna,|uh, phone him.
Not enough shoes.
What? Men their feet|get sort of marinated.
That's weird.
|What? All my programed numbers|have gone.
I can never program in|my numbers.
Never bring myself to put|my friends in order.
Oh, I put them in|the order I like them.
You're at number three.
Number three,|that's pretty good.
Thank you.
|You're welcome.
Who's number one|and two? Oh, I haven't met|a one or a two yet.
Oh.
Or a seven, actually.
So where am i? I've only got|ten spaces.
I wasn't able to|squeeze you in.
Okay.
Excuse me while I try To remember|my boyfriend's number.
Susan likes Australians? Her greatest fear|is that one day They'll all turn up|on her doorstep And gridlock London.
Hi.
Oh hello.
I was rather hoping|you'd be here.
Excuse me, I'm just making|a call to my boyfriend.
Right.
I don't suppose|there's any chance I could tempt you|away from him? Nothing could tempt me|away from my boyfriend.
G'day.
Bruce's bar and grill.
Pardon? Bruce's bar and grill.
|How can I help you? Oh, I'm sorry, I think I may have misdialed.
It's okay.
|No worries.
Oh, ha ha ha!|Sorry, my darling.
I did not recognize|your voice.
You sound so strange.
Excuse me? I shall be around|to see you very soon.
My heart is beating|like a big drum of love.
Are you feeling all right? Where am I phoning? Bruce's bar and grill.
|I told you.
Where is that? Where? In Australia? No, no.
London.
Stadler Street.
Ah, I know Stadler Street.
Where? Near Susan's.
Susan's? Yeah, you know|Susan's.
The bar.
|The bar? Yeah, you may not|have heard of it, It's for Australians.
There's a bar for|Australians called Susan's? In London?! Oh, yeah! You always find a whole bunch|of Australians in Susan's.
This must seem|like a stupid question, But does this bar Have anything to do|with Susan Walker? You know Susan Walker? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? All right.
I'm just off|to the loo.
I don't think|anyone asked.
Oh, sorry.
|No, uh it's just a habit.
Oh.
You must have a girlfriend.
Hello.
Hi.
So, do you? What? Have a girlfriend? You said hello? Yes, just hello,|that's all.
So what did you tell her? Tell her? When she asked|if you had a girlfriend.
You know what's brilliant|about having a girlfriend? Jeff! You've been going out|with Julia for three days.
We've never seen you|this happy.
It would be a shame|if you forced us to kill you.
Having a girlfriend|is like legalized sex.
Jeff, sex is legal.
It always has been legal.
Whenever I have sex|with Julia, It's just so realistic.
It is actually real, Jeff.
I've got my own private bottom! What? Anytime I want to|see a bottom, I just ask Julia.
"There's nothing to watch|on the tele tonight, dear, Why don't you pop|your arse out?" It's bad enough you're going out|with my girlfriend's boss I don't want details.
She's my boss, too.
Which is great, because|sometimes we play this game Jeff, no! So she asked you|if you had a girlfriend, What did you say? I said yes.
Good.
Fine.
Of course I did.
|What else could I say? Great.
I- I may have|phrased it badly.
How badly|can you phrase "yes"? No.
That was|quite badly phrased.
Okay! I meant to say yes,|and I missed by one word! I'm sosorry|I'm not perfect.
Why didn't you|just tell her? I would never|do that to Julia.
We have a relationship|based on complete trust.
Jeff, you don't|have a relationship Based on a complete week.
What's that|supposed to mean? It means that there are Three things|all men should know, And it's time|you did, too you're never gonna be famous,|you're fatter than you think, And most important of all they don't|keep wearing stockings.
Julia always|wears stockings.
No, really.
She's always worn them.
|She always will she told me.
In fact, Julia told me she Prefers wearing stockings.
What? Stockings aren't real, Jeff.
They're a myth.
Stockings are real,|I've seen 'em.
Oh, sure, there are|some stockings out there, But there's what,|ten pairs in the whole world? Ten, at most.
Ten pairs for all of them.
|They share them out.
Oh, Julia, you got|a new boyfriend? Your turn with|the stockings, then.
But we'll need them back|on tuesday, There's an anniversary|in New Zealand.
Tuesday.
The stockings will go, Jeff.
They'll just melt away.
That's not true.
Okay Julia's pants really small? Yeah, tiny.
|Really tiny.
Somewhere between wispy|and a trick of the light? You could accidently swallow|three whole pairs in one go.
Trust me.
|Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha.
|Great, aren't they? They're not like|real pants, They're like|the ghost of pants.
Jeff?|Yeah? They spread.
What? Pants.
They spread|and grow.
Experts can determine|the age of a relationship From pants spreadage alone.
You start off|with that sexy little thong and one day you're|looking at the makings Of a decent size trampoline.
It's not gonna be like that|with me and Julia.
Jeff, Jeff before you know it, You'll be sitting|on a sofa with Julia, She'll be wearing pants Large enough|to cover Switzerland, And you'll discover that|you're unable to make The slightest movement|without her saying, "Where are you going?" Every time|"where are you going?" She won't even know|she's saying it.
It like you've set off|a motion sensor.
And then, you'll notice|that your house Is covered in shoes.
Shoes.
Shoes everywhere! Why do they have|so many shoes? Do they have extra feet|we don't know about? Did they sprout rows|of additional feet While we're asleep And gallop around the streets|at night shouting, "Where are you going?!"|"Where are you going?!" Ahem.
Sorry.
Drifted a bit there.
So this girl you chatted up|in the bar I didn't chat her up.
I'm with Susan.
I'm very|happy with Susan.
I love Susan.
So what happened|with the girl? Nothing happened.
We talked for a bit,|we had a couple of drinks, Exchanged phone numbers,|and went our separate ways.
You exchanged|phone numbers?! Oh, fine|focus on that part.
You gave her|your actual phone number? I'm a bloke.
I can't withhold|my number from a woman, I haven't got the skills.
Yeah, but this girl,|she could phone at any time.
I know.
While Susan's here.
|I know.
Well, Susan's here|all the time Jeff, please! I know! Steve, you're gonna|have to move out.
Okay, did she look like|the type to phone? Yeah, she she really|looked the type.
So, she's gonna wait|for you to phone Then she's gonna get right in|phoning you.
How long has it been? A week and a day.
It's her!|It's her! It might be! Tell her she's got|the wrong number.
She'll think she|wrote it down wrong.
If it's her, I'm going|to do this properly.
I'm an adult,|for god's sake.
G'day.
Bruce's bar and grill.
Susan|pardon? Bruce's bar and grill.
|How can I help you? Good accent.
Susan told me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I think I may have misdialed.
It's okay.
|No worries.
It's not her,|it's some French woman.
Oh sorry, my darling.
I did not recognize|your voice.
You sound so strange.
Excuse me? I shall be around|to see you very soon.
My heart is beating|like a big drum of love.
Could be the girl|from the bar.
She could be|having a joke.
Are you feeling all right? Where am I phoning? Bruce's bar and grill.
|I told you.
Where is that? Where? In Australia? No, no.
London.
Stadler Street.
Stadler Street.
Ah, I know Stadler Street.
|Where? Near Susan's.
Near Susan's.
Susan's? Yeah, you know,|Susan's.
Th-The bar.
The bar? Yeah, you may not|have heard of it, It's for Australians.
There's a bar|for Australians Called Susan's? In London? Oh, yeah! You always find a whole bunch|of Australians in Susan's.
Near Susan's?! This must seem|like a stupid question, But does this bar|have anything to do With Susan Walker? You know Susan Walker?! You also know|Susan Walker? Oh, yeah.
|Everybody here knows Susan.
How do you know her,|then? I- I am Giselle.
I am Susan's new bitch.
Oh, uh client|Susan's new client.
Uh, look, I'd better be|getting on.
Yes, yes,|of course.
No, wait! Hello? Uh, excuse me asking, But, um|were you one of Susan's special friends? What? Susan has spoken so often Of her great love|of Australians Australia.
Are you perhaps David? Nigel? Bill? Martin? Dennis? I- I will narrow it down Canberra? Melbourne? Sydney? What is your name? Uh, Dick.
Uh uh Dick Darlington.
What's wrong? Susan slept with Australia! Susan.
What's wrong? What? Um nothing.
Gotta go.
Should we go after her? In a minute.
|Now, try it again.
I am Giselle.
I am a French bitch.
I am Giselle.
I am a French bitch.
Ohh try it|with more wine.
How could she know Susan? It doesn't make sense.
Giselle.
Julia mentioned|a Giselle new client.
But how could she know stuff|about Susan I don't know? I'm phoning Susan.
And she was French.
She called her|the French bitch.
How many French bitches|can there be? Seven.
What? In my experience.
Why have you got|Susan's mobile? I was in her office yesterday.
I must have picked up|the wrong one.
She's got|the same one as me.
Susan must have my phone.
Tell you what and I'm not just saying this compared to you, Masturbation is in|its infancy.
I seem to be missing|three pairs of knickers.
Susan speaks french,|doesn't she? What? Your friend, Susan Walker,|she speaks french, yeah? I think so.
Why? We've got this new client,|Giselle.
I put her with Susan,|but she's a bit of tricky one.
I should have dealt|with her myself, But I can't speak french.
She's French? Well, yeah.
Excellent.
|And a bitch.
A bitch?|Excellent.
Okay, I'm back|to being your boss now.
Now go back|to the office, Or I'll set|the French bitch on you.
Yeah?|Excellent.
Jeff! This is Giselle.
Your organizational skills|are a disgrace, And I am extremely disappointed|with your performance.
If were up to me,|I would put you over my knee And spank your bottom.
Oh, for God's sake! Giselle, will you please|stop talking to me like that? I'm not a child.
If you have a complaint|about my work, You can take it straight|to Julia Davis! Susan!? Don't you "Susan" me! I'm happy to work|with you on this project, But we have to have a sensible|working relationship.
I am sorry,|i, um my english|is not so good.
You are going too fast.
Hi.
You okay?|Yeah.
Listen, I've just got|some work to finish up on.
Right.
Patrick and Jeff are here.
Oh, no problem.
|I can go in the bedroom.
Fine.
|Great.
See you in a mo'.
See you.
Okay, this is getting|complicated.
Now, Giselle knows Susan|because she's a client what if Giselle finds out|I'm Dick Darlington? Why should she? She might tell Susan, And then I'll have to explain|why I was pretending To be an Australian|on the phone.
If Susan finds out, You say you're Dick Darlington.
Why me? Okay.
You, Patrick.
No way.
|Anyone else want a beer? Oh, come on.
I- I'll get some beers.
Oh, shit! Am I Dick Darlington now? Shh! It might be her.
Hello.
Is that bruce's bar and grill? I know that it must be,|because I press "redial.
" G'day again.
Is that the lovely Giselle? I do not believe there is|a bruce's bar and grill, And I do not believe That there is a bar|called Susan's.
This is a joke At the expense of my friend,|Susan Walker.
No, it isn't.
Don't be silly.
I will tell you how|I know this because Susan Walker|is right here with me.
Oh, no, she isn't.
I can assure you she is.
Well, I can assure you|she's right here with me.
I am passing the phone To Susan Walker.
Hello, this is|Susan Walker speaking.
Susan, can you tell|this French bitch That you're Susan Walker? Hello, this is Susan Walker.
Hello? I'll get it.
Bruce's bar and grill were you answering|the phone as an Australian? What are you talking about? Steve|I'm Giselle.
You're Giselle? I was Giselle|on the phone.
Susan, I'm really sorry|to interrupt, But I just had to tell you it was me.
I was Giselle on the phone.
You were Giselle? I'm so, so sorry.
She was Giselle?! No, I was Giselle! I was Giselle.
|Who was Giselle? I'm really sorry|about this, Susan.
But I was Giselle|on the phone.
It was me.
What are you talking about? I phoned you.
Julia, I was Giselle,|and I phoned him.
And he was Dick Darlington.
No, Susan I was Dick Darlington.
No.
Look, it's okay, Jeff.
I was Dick Darlington.
And I was Giselle.
What's the matter|with you? I was Giselle! I'll get that.
I phoned you at lunch.
I thought I was|talking to Jeff.
I put on a french accent And I said|I'd spank your bottom.
Excellent.
I was Giselle! I was Giselle.
What in the name|of god is going on here? Jane? No! I am Giselle.
And so am i! In that case,|I'm Dick Darlington.
No! I'm Dick Darlington! Yeah, we're Dick Darlington.
And I'm Giselle! I'm Giselle! And so are we! Would everyone just shut up! Thank you! Oh, what?! Hello.
Who could it possibly|be this time? Giselle or Dick Darlington?! It's someone called Yvonne|for you.
No, uh can't come to the phone.
Why not? There's people|in the way.
Okay, I'll put it on speaker.
Steve.
Hello.
Hello, Steve.
It's Yvonne.
|Remember? From the bar? Or do you give|your phone number out To every strange|woman you meet? H- Hi.
Listen, I was wondering Hi.
There's been a bit|of a misunderstanding.
I'm actually with someone, So I won't be able to, uh I'm sorry, Yvonne.
|Good-bye.
Well, I think we'd better, um yeah, I think|we'd better.
Bye.
M- M-Met her in the bar|gave her my number.
Stupid, uh but I was never,|ever going to that's why I was|pretending to be a, you know Dick? Yes.
Hmm.
Sometimes I miss|being single, too.
I guess this means|the honeymoon's over.
No, no, I don't i- I still real life starts here.
If you still want it to.
If you don't, um|let me know.
I quite fancy popping back to Australia.
There must be|a whole new batch Past the age of consent|by now.
Susan.
What? Where are you going? It's up to you.
It's up to me it is up to me.
It's up to me.
Oh.
Hello.
I am Giselle.
make your mind up We'll never get started And I don't want to wind up Being parted Broken-hearted So if you really love me Say yes And please don't tell me Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps