Crossing Swords (2020) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Spirits from beyond,
on this Hallowtide Eve,
we ask you to show
your disgusting, deformed faces.
Oh. It was just your face.
‐ You can't really talk to the dead.
‐ I'm calling out to Ivy's dead parakeet.
Are you with us now?
‐ Oh my god, Skeet? Is that you?
Squawk! It is I, Skeet the parakeet!
Ivy forgot to feed me, and I died!
Help! It's so hot in Hell!
‐ I was 9, you guys,
and I wasn't ready for
that level of responsibility!
‐ I can't believe you feel for that! Ha!
Ghost boyfriend, idiots!
‐ This is boring.
Let's tell scary stories.
‐ Ooh! I have one.
This is the story of Bloody Donna.
There once was a woman locked in a tower.
She was young and beautiful.
But then,
she turned 30.
She couldn't bear to look at
her wrinkled face and saggy tits,
so she broke her mirror.
In her lonely, horny madness,
she knitted a yarn boyfriend
to bang
‐ Wait, Bloody Donna?
This sounds like my Aunt Donna.
‐ But, her homemade
sex doll wasn't enough.
She leapt from the tower, vagina first,
and splattered into a zillion pieces!
Legend says if you look in a mirror
and say her name three times,
Bloody Donna appears
with an unquenchable thirst
for peen.
Ah! Bloody Donna!
‐ Oh! Guys, relax.
It's just a mop, bucket, and a large ham
placed precariously on a rocking chair.
Where is this legend coming from?
Aunt Donna died six months ago.
Keefer, knock it off!
‐ It's not me, babe.
Whoa. Ancient treasure from the deep.
‐ It's Barry,
the squire who turned to stone.
Where'd he come from?
‐ Hey, Ivy, I think I hear Skeet.
Ha! Blasted! He's in Hell.
And let's all welcome
Barry back from the bottomless pit.
‐ Does anyone know how he got back?
And what are those weird markings?
‐ Just one of those mysteries
like how your cooch can stretch
from the size of a pinhole to
a basketball hoop during childbirth.
But after five kids,
it's more of a bottomless pit situation.
Tonight, you'll all be working
as scare actors in the funhouse
at the King's annual Hallowtide party.
And Patrick,
King Merriman is rewarding you
for saving his life
and helping restore the kingdom.
‐ Rewarded? Really?
‐ I'm trying to read his writing.
Let's see. "Given the knighthood"
No! Wait! It says,
"Given a night at the Hallowtide ball
with Princess Blossom as
her asexual chaperone."
Ha! I was way off!
‐ Aw
‐ King Merriman knows that
you're the squarest squire,
and that you'll keep Blossom safe.
‐ Don't worry, Patrick.
Everyone knows that chaperones
vacuum up all the leftover trim.
I'm just kidding, man.
Chaperones are gash repellent.
‐ Broth,
you'll be testing the king's
candy for razor blades.
‐ You can count on me!
Safety Captain Broth reporting for duty‐‐
Classic Barry!
Oh my god
Even I wanna have sex with me.
‐ What are you?
‐ A sexy 'raffe. What are you?
A fuckin' loser?
‐ I'm your chaperone for the party.
‐ Oh, really?
Does this ass look like
it needs a chaperone?
‐ There's no correct
answer to that question.
You know, I don't wanna hang
out with you all night either.
I'm going through a lot right now.
I got eaten by a dragon last week,
and I didn't even get a day off.
‐ Uh, you think that's bad?
I invited my fiancé AJ
and my ghost boyfriend Keefer
to the same party. Uh‐oh!
‐ To save the kingdom,
I had to betray my oath and kill a knight.
‐ It's a spooky, sexy love triangle,
served up Hallowtide‐style
on tonight's adventure
with Princess Blossom!
‐ At the party, I'll see other knights
for the first time since I killed
a member of their brotherhood!
It's very fucking stressful!
‐ Oh F‐word!
Listen, parties are great
for bonding with frenemies
and wiping the slate clean.
Just go pound brews with those knights
until you vomit out all the bad feelings.
‐ Huh. You're right.
I'll never have a better chance than this.
Although, the drinking part is a problem.
Hey, but I'm checking on you every hour,
so don't. Go. Crazy.
‐ Trois? That's French for me?
‐ That public school is
not doing you any favors.
‐ What are you less‐thans supposed to be?
‐ Bloody Donna!
It's the hottest costume this year!
‐ My dead aunt is not
your Hallowtide costume!
Have some fucking respect!
Ah!
‐ Merriman, we are going
to be late for our own party.
‐ Hallowtide is the best
holiday of the year!
My costume has to be perfect.
‐ What the hell are you?
‐ I'm king of the gems!
I'm gonna remind everyone how rich I am.
What the hell are you, a penguin?
‐ I'm a sexy maid!
‐ Well, that's stupid.
Penguins are way sexier.
Now, time to show
the haunted funhouse who's boss.
‐ Merriman, I know you love Hallowtide,
but every year,
you attempt the haunted funhouse,
and every year, you get so scared,
you shit your pants.
‐ That was Poor Merriman.
Rich Merriman is a fucking god.
Whoa whoa
‐ Have a good time, bro!
I'm pretty sure I found all
the razor blades in the candy,
and one single hypodermic needle.
‐ None for me. I'm on a mission
to bond with the knights.
You wanna dry‐bond with men?
Why do you always set it
to the hardest difficulty level?
‐ Because the last thing I need tonight
is to throw a wedding cake
into a ceiling fan!
Okay?
‐ Sounds like there's a story there.
‐ All you need to know is that I have
an alter ego named Party Patrick,
and that my cousin Stephanie
doesn't talk to me anymore.
‐ Well, good luck playing beer pong
with ice water and a lemon wedge.
Knights respond to alpha behavior.
If booze is out, you need women
swarming you like sexy flies
on sexy‐ass shit.
‐ I'm not really swarm material.
‐ There.
Go chat up that sheep
who strayed from the flock.
‐ Okay.
Wool ewe dance with me? Hm?
Get it? Wool? Ewe, E‐W‐E?
They're sheep puns.
Because you're a sheep.
‐ I'm obviously a sexy cloud.
Lah‐dee‐dah‐dah‐dee‐dah
‐ That's a really good costume.
‐ That was terrible!
‐ Aw
‐ This is the year for scary.
‐ Your Majesty, last year,
you blacked out 10 steps inside
and had night terrors for a month.
‐ They weren't night terrors.
There was an inside‐out man
in the corner of my room,
and I couldn't move!
‐ Let's start at "Babies,"
and if it goes well,
we can move to "Scary."
‐ I'm the king of the gems!
God made me the bravest, and I'm going in!
‐ I knew he'd do that. That's why
we switched the signs, right, Kylie?
I crushed a bunch of edibles earlier,
and I don't know if you're real.
‐ You didn't switch them, did you?
‐ Take off those costumes!
‐ Why?
'Cause you're scared of Bloody Donna?
‐ I am not! She's not even real!
‐ Then prove it.
Look in the mirror and say "Bloody Donna"
three times.
‐ You look in the mirror and say
"I don't smell like cabbage,
and people really like me"
three times!
‐ That's what I thought. Too chicken.
‐ I'm not a fucking chicken!
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
Ha! I knew nothing would happen.
I'm gonna go fire those twats. Ow! God
What the shit?
Am I in a mirror?
Wait, if I'm in here Oh
‐ Ha‐ha! I'm free!
Time to get my bean flicked!
‐ Get back here,
you dead bitch!
Hell yeah! I can see everything
from behind these mirrors.
‐ I haven't seen Princess Blossom
since we left her room.
‐ They're worried about me.
I've been so worried
that she'll show up and
ruin our night.
Ivy, I'm so glad we're
finally getting some
alone time.
‐ Me, too.
Happy two‐year anniversary.
‐ I can't believe
they've been secret lesbians without me!
Oh, ho‐ho, ho!
The mirror makes me an all‐seeing god!
Who else should I spy on?
‐ Why did I ever think
I could be a knight?
I can't even hang with them at a party.
‐ You should bring out that Party Patrick
guy you were talking about.
A cake in a ceiling fan
might make an impression.
‐ Party Patrick is off limits!
‐ Blossom!
Jesus. Your mind is a cesspool of anxiety.
‐ You read my thoughts.
‐ Part of being a ghost,
just like rattling chains
and smelling menses.
But Patrick, from what I saw,
you need to live a little, man,
and this is coming from a dead guy.
‐ Ah! I was just telling
the other knights about you.
‐ Really?
‐ Yes! Make that face you made
when those monkeys jizzed all over you!
‐ Aw
‐ That's the one!
Catch!
Oh,
party foul! Here you go!
‐ Ha ha! Got it‐‐ Whoa!
It's okay. I don't drink anyway.
‐ You're making it very hard
to hang out with you.
You need to live a little, man,
and this is coming from a dead guy
‐ Sir Styles, it would be an honor
to have a drink with you.
‐ Let's get fucked up!
Ah!
‐ Hey, bud, aren't you supposed
to be checking on Blossom?
Patrick?
Patrick isn't here anymore.
Ksh‐ah Call me
Party Patrick!
Roar!
‐ Ah!
No jump scares!
‐ It's my job, Your Majesty!
‐ Well, you're fucking fired.
‐ Ah! Woo‐hoo! Party Patrick!
Hey! If we hookup,
does that make it a threesome?
‐ What are you doing?!
‐ Stop Broth‐blocking me!
This one puts out.
‐ Hey! It's me, Prince AJ!
My dad's the Mattress King,
so they call me out the Pullout Prince.
It makes no sense outside
the context of retail bedding.
Have you seen my fiancé, Princess Blossom?
‐ You got any blow?
‐ Jesus, Patrick.
‐ Woo‐hoo!
‐ Nope!
How could she be engaged
to you when she's still with me?
‐ You're not even alive!
‐ She was my beating heart!
‐ She was the queen to my king mattress!
I'm single now!
‐ I gotta get outta here!
‐ Oh yeah
‐ Patrick! Look what you did?
You were supposed to be watching me,
and now I'm trapped in a mirror!
Wait, what are you doing?
‐ Bumping rails of coke
with this baby factory.
Quiet, you mouthy mirror.
Hey, my coke!
And where's preggo en fuego?
‐ She left hours ago,
and that's not cocaine.
It's the inside of a snow globe
you broke after you tried to juggle.
You need to go to bed.
‐ You need to go to bed! In Hell!
‐ Get back here,
and get me out! Hello?
I will fire everyone!
Human Shield! Help me!
I said Bloody Donna three times,
and now I'm trapped in the mirror!
‐ Holy shit! It's real?
‐ Yeah, it's fucking real!
How am I supposed to get outta here?
‐ It's almost midnight
‐ What does that matter?
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna,
say it thrice, and you're a gonna.
Reverse the spell by stroke of 12,
or rot away in Mirror Hell.
‐ By midnight? Or I'm stuck in here?
Oh my god,
you gotta get me out! Get me out!
Please!
‐ She can't do anything to us
if we don't help her.
‐ As her food taster,
I do like the idea of
eating for pleasure again.
‐ We've come to a decision
We're leaving.
‐ Get back here, you deceitful lesbians!
And one cis‐het ally!
‐ If you fight the way you chug,
maybe you're knight material after all!
‐ You're not mad that I killed
a member of the brotherhood?
‐ Oh, come on! That guy
was a dork. He was always like,
"Don't burn that village!"
And, "Don't steal that widow's stuff!
Her husband's still dead in the corner,
and the kids are all here."
‐ Uh
‐ Hey! That G‐MILF over there
has had her eyes on you all night.
‐ Mm
Hm
Oh, oh, oh yeah
‐ I can't believe I'm gonna lose
my virginity to a woman
dressed like my ex‐girlfriend's dead mom.
‐ I keep telling you.
I'm actually Aunt Donna.
‐ Oh, it's so hot when you
stay in character. Say it again.
‐ I'm the real Aunt Donna!
Fuck me like I'm still alive!
‐ Oh God, we're doing it!
I'm having sex for the first time!
It's, uh, so, eh, dusty?
‐ Aunt Donna. Oh my god.
I lost my virginity to
Danielle's dead mom!
Hey! Getting yourself
hard again, honey?
‐ Uh Yep!
You're my boyfriend now!
Hurry back,
and I'll let you put it in my butt!
‐ Huh?
‐ I can't believe I let
Party Patrick out of his cage
just to prove to
the knights that I'm cool!
Oh my god. I forgot about Blossom!
Ah! Mutant camel!
Huh? Blossom? Why are you in the mirror?
‐ Good question, Patrick.
Why am I in the mirror?
Oh, that's right.
Because you weren't
doing your fucking job!
Aunt Donna trapped me in here,
and if we don't switch back by midnight,
I'm trapped here forever!
‐ That's in 10 minutes!
‐ I know! Now, listen!
Your visor is stupid. What are you,
a dad on vacation?
Get me outta here!
‐ Ah! Get me outta here! Ah!
No scares. Whatever they're paying you,
I'll double it.
‐ Two lunches?
Why, this must be my lucky day.
I won't scare you‐‐ Ah!
‐ Ah!
That's why I don't trust actors.
They're paid to lie.
‐ I gotta get you out of there,
so you're not stuck in Mirror Hell,
and so Aunt Donna stops
trying to have sex with me.
‐ Patrick, this isn't about you.
Wait, what?
Oh, I'm fucked.
Patrick!
We need to get here in front of a mirror
that's not broken.
‐ Right!
How are we gonna find the real one?
Well, she made that very easy.
‐ You, my friend,
are knight material as hell!
Rumor has it that you banged
that great grand‐cougar
in the Bloody Donna costume
right on the king's bed!
‐ Wait,
which Bloody Donna?
‐ Uh
‐ Oh my god.
Did you bone my dead Aunt Donna?
On my parents' bed?!
‐ I'm sorry.
I'm disgusting. Party Patrick
is a bad, bad person.
‐ Huh?
‐ Damn it! What are we gonna do?
‐ Sasha! I couldn't find
you in the funhouse!
‐ Mackenzie! I was in the hall of mirrors,
and it was so scary!
‐ Blossom,
we could go to the hall of‐‐
Ah! No!
I'm running out of time!
Aunt Donna!
:
I'm ready to make love!
‐ These fields
are ready for plowing!
‐ I had somewhere more fun in mind
‐ Oh! A haunted funhouse!
You're kinky!
Wanna do it in a coffin?
I'm already dead.
‐ Our relationship is really Blossom‐ing
in this funhouse.
Wanna play a sex game?
‐ Ooh! Now, my sense of
smell will be heightened.
A real bonus in the pre‐deodorant era.
Our love affair is headed in
new directions down this hall
‐ Think of the weird squishes
my powerful ears
will pick up now.
‐ How did I get back here?
‐ There you are, Your Highness.
You should call me your high‐ness.
Wanna know why?
‐ I don't care. Just get me outta here.
‐: It's 'cause I'm high!
Anyway, exiting the attraction,
turn left‐‐
‐ S‐stoner girl?
Are you trying to scare me,
or should I actually be worried?
Hello? Oh, goddammit!
‐ Hey, when can I take this off?
Oh, I love seeing that
clueless face you make
when you're looking for the hole.
‐ W‐wait! They're playing our song.
‐ Oh, it's so romantic!
‐ We're doing it
in the hall of mirrors!
‐ The hall of what?!
Patrick!
‐ I've been bamboozled!
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
Why didn't it work?
Oh my god, it's midnight! Hurry!
‐ Open! Your! Eyes!
Ah!
‐ I'm almost out of here,
and I haven't even shit my pants!
Ew
‐ Hey, bro!
‐ I'm shitting my pants!
‐ Blossom! Now!
‐ Bloody Donna,
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
‐ Well, fuck.
Wanna mutual masturbate?
‐ Ew! Gross!
‐ I have some real self‐reflecting to do.
‐ Uh, yeah, like self‐reflecting on how
you plowed my dead aunt's corpse!
‐ Hey, babe, I was thinking
of breaking up with you earlier
because of the whole
you're‐secretly‐engaged thing,
but it doesn't matter. I love you.
‐ I wanna break up.
‐ Oh.
‐ Whoa! Whoa!
‐ What was that?
‐ I don't know, man.
The world's a mystery, and no one knows
what's actually going on underground.
‐ Wait! Barry! He's seen it all!
Keefer, can you take a peak and see
if Barry can still talk to us?
‐ I'll give it a shot.
Guys!
Can you really hear me?
It's Barry! I'm still in here!
Listen to me very carefully!
There are monsters underground!
You have to get out of here! Run!
:
I'm getting out of here.
Smell you later.
‐ No, wait! What's underground?
‐ You clowns needs to clear the court.
Some of us are playing strip croquet.
No fuggos.
What's going on?! Ah!
‐ Hey, Patrick.
Does this dry dusty hole turn you on now?
‐ And that was the best
Hallowtide of their lives.
‐ Who are you talking to, Broth?
‐ Uh, I'm narrating.
He said to the idiot.
That was amazing.