Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e09 Episode Script

Busy week, Dan.
A gauntlet.
Think you can handle it? Of course I can handle it.
What am I handling again? The three Ps: Pigs, pancakes and paella.
Sounds like a horrible meal.
Three different things.
You got the pig roast tomorrow, then the pancake breakfast, and at the end of the week, the biggest event of the year, Wessex's Best and Brightest.
Oh.
What's that? The night where Wessex's highest achievers meet its brightest minds.
I've never even heard of it.
Really? Well, that's where you get the paella.
Which I know is food but I don't know quite what kind.
Maybe you should bring Claire with you.
You know, she'd help you look good, make sure you don't end your sentences with prepositions.
- What are you getting at? - Exactly.
No, what you say that for? Maybe you should bring her to all three things.
♪ Hey, any chance you can come with me to this thing I got to go to? What thing? Human society's having a pig roast.
The humane society is having a pig roast? It's a tofu pig.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure it's tofu.
The eyes are made of capers.
Dan, I don't want to go.
Why not? Honestly? Of course honestly.
I hate going to parties with you because you always embarrass me.
Oh, glad you were honest.
Come on, Dan.
Think about it.
Toga! I must have given him the wrong invitation.
Toga! He's been really busy at work lately.
Business casual! He's not smart.
You're going to judge me based on three mistakes that form a pattern? That's not going to happen this time.
You sure? Yeah.
My good toga sheets are in the wash.
Hey, my lunch order ready? Coming up.
What are you doing this weekend? Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to check the schedule.
I was thinking we could catch a flick or-- Mayor Phillips.
Or you could hold up your finger at me.
My heart goes out to you, man.
What? You know, being downgraded by Dan.
Nah.
You used to be his best friend.
Now, you're just the guy who brings him food.
I'm not just the guy who brings him his food.
My food ready? Yep.
Here.
So, the movie? Uhh, sorry, can't, man.
Umm, how about a drink? Uhh, nope, sorry.
(Exhaling) How about lunch? Okay, yeah.
Say my office around noon tomorrow? Score! I mean, hey, yeah, cool.
Wow.
What? That's way worse than I thought.
You've been downgraded to noon hangout guy.
Oh, that's worse than guy-who-gets-me-food? I don't mean to be negative, but yes, it's 100 times worse.
I have not been downgraded.
You have and it's kind of a bummer and it's bringing me down.
Can we just talk about something else? I know it's just soy beans but I still feel sorry for it.
So, how we doing? Have I embarrassed you yet? No toga, I'm impressed.
The party's not over yet.
Dan, like you to meet Nigel Ellis, chairman of the humane society.
Very nice to meet you.
And this is your wife? Oh, she's a friend.
Girlfriend, not like an escort or something.
I'm Claire Kendall.
Very nice to meet you.
So, what do you think, huh? Tofu barbecue.
We thought it would be good P.
R.
The reason I want to talk to you is-- Actually, I'm something of an expert on P.
R.
Oh.
Yeah.
Dan, we were hoping-- I was at Pendleton and Associates, big P.
R.
firm.
I was account manager.
That's the third highest title at the firm.
Now I'm CEO of my own company.
Great.
So, do you think that-- I have a master's degree.
Okay.
I started in political science and then I went into communications because I have a passion for-- Claire, you absolutely must come see the view from over here.
Not now, Alan.
Stunningly beautiful, I insist you check it out.
All right.
Always in demand.
I'll send you a link to my resume.
Sorry.
You said she was an escort? Oh, Alan.
If I ask you a question, can you give me an honest answer? Can I or will I? Just answer me honestly.
I don't like where this is going.
Yesterday, at the pig roast, when you took Clair aside, was that you trying to shut her up? - No.
- Honest answer.
- Oh, right.
Yes.
- Oh.
She was making you look bad.
Well, she was probably just feeling insecure.
Look, don't do it again.
Gotcha, absolutely, okay.
Answer honestly.
I'm super going to do it again.
Look, you are supposed to be front and centre at these things.
She needs to understand that.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I'll talk to her.
Honest answer.
I'll try to talk to her but I'll probably chicken out.
You're good at this.
I'm glad we could do this.
Yeah, me too.
It's good to hang out, even if it's at noon.
Not that that makes me a noon hangout guy.
A what? Dan, your 12:10 is here.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Well, this was fun.
That's it? Yeah, sorry.
I got a 12:10.
I came all the way over here for 10 minutes? Oh, sorry.
I mean, time just flew, didn't it? That's because it was 10 minutes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sit down.
Sit, sit.
We still have two minutes left.
So, how's Fern's? Well, I don't know if I have time to tell you.
Come on, don't be like that.
All right, it's fine, nothing new there.
Wow, I had totally had time to tell you.
Mm-hmm.
Alan, you got that brief I need? Sorry, photocopier's on the fritz.
Hey, maybe you could take a look at the photocopier? So, you want me to take a look at the photocopier? Yeah, come on, help me out.
You are the photocopier guy.
I thought I was the get-your-lunch guy.
Look at the photocopier or get out! Sorry, he wants me to be honest with his friends for some reason.
Oh, so that's who I am, the bring-you-lunch and fix-your-photocopier guy.
No, no, no, no.
You're more than that.
You're a very good friend.
Oh, so I have to be honest but you're allowed to B.
S.
him? Hey.
I was thinking of making pad Thai.
What do you think? Oh, wow, sounds yummy.
So, what's on tomorrow? Oh, busy, busy.
I got this charity pancake breakfast.
Maybe I can come? Yeah, that's a bad idea.
Why? Uhh, pancakes, you hate pancakes.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
See? You always do this where you think you like pancakes but then we get there and you're all like "Oh, pancakes? Ugh.
" No, I think it's a good idea.
I make you look good.
Plus, I get to make contacts.
It's win-win.
Yeah.
Uhh, remember when we said we'd be honest if something was bothering us? Yes.
Well, I did notice at the pig roast that maybe-- just a little bit, you know, in some small way-- Yes? You came a little close to, well, uhh What? - Talking about yourself too much.
- What? Yeah, you know, where you'd interrupt people when they-- Interrupting? I was giving people some information about myself.
You told them your I.
Q.
93rd percentile, Dan.
You don't keep that information to yourself.
Yes, you don't.
That's the problem.
Well, now I feel like I'm not welcome at the pancake thing.
I'm a liability.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not that.
I'm so embarrassed that maybe I'll stay home.
No, no, no.
Come, please.
Come on, we'll have a great time.
Come on, pancakes! You love pancakes! You're all like "Hey, pancakes!" Right.
And I'll try not to talk about myself so much.
Oh, thanks, honey.
And look, don't get me wrong.
I could listen to you all day.
Aww.
But other people seem to find you boring.
What? (Phone ringing) Hello.
Dan, Jeff.
Sorry about before.
Let me make it up to you.
Swing by the bar for a drink.
Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Is it okay if I go get a drink with Jeff? But I was going to make pad Thai.
Yeah, I don't think you are.
MAN: Dan? WOMAN: Mayor Phillips? I need to talk to you, Mayor.
Mayor, been waiting forever.
Hello? Hey, what's all this? Oh.
Hi, Dan.
Yeah, it's been a little slow on Thursday nights.
So, I promised all these people that if they bought beer, you'd talk to them.
You want me to talk to all these people? Come on, help me out.
You are, you know, the mayor guy.
I want to talk about the layback bylaws.
It'll be fun.
And then they tell me they're supposed to redraft the laybacks along my property frontage.
Is that right? Well, that probably depends.
On what? On what it is you're talking about.
I don't think Dan's enjoying Meet the Mayor night.
We're buddies.
We play these little games against each other.
Got to go, buddy.
But you just got here.
Yeah, sorry.
I only had you scheduled for 10 minutes.
(Exhaling) Would you stop sucking air? This is a sham.
You said you're the mayor's friend.
Nah, I'm just a noon hangout guy.
So, I just hit garlic mayo, enter and separate cheques and the screen went dark.
Hmm, I think I know what's going on here.
This isn't about the garlic mayo, Jeff.
Well, yeah, I imagine it's not about condiments.
I think somebody just wanted to spend a little buddy buddy time with old Mikey.
We have a service contract with you.
Sure, and we all know why you have that service contract with me.
To get my computer fixed? Jeff, it's me here.
It's safe.
Look, if you wanted to hang with me, you didn't have to sabotage your computer.
I didn't sabotage my computer.
Denial, Jeff? That's stage one.
You should be on to bargaining by now.
Okay, fine.
I promise to stop sabotaging my computer if you'll quit talking.
Sure.
If it makes you more comfortable to keep playing the game, we can do that too.
Hmm.
This is way better.
That tofu pig was awful.
That pig was tofu? Hi.
Sorry it took me so long.
I'll have a coffee and an orange juice, thanks.
Oh.
This is Claire, Dan's friend.
Oh, sorry.
Funny you think I was the waitress when it was Dan who was the waiter last year.
I wasn't a waiter.
Sorry, bartender.
But it was a good job for him, made a lot in tips, not that he ever declared them.
I guess if people knew that, you'd be in trouble.
Anyway, what do you do? John writes for the paper.
Oh.
So, what years would you say he didn't declare? Well, all of them, I guess.
Though I'm sure he declared something.
Alan.
Claire, before you dig in, I just want to show you the view from over here.
Huh? So, what do you cover? Sports? Real estate? City Hall.
Right.
You know, this thing with Dan and you, I knew a guy once, same thing happened to him, except instead of his friend, it was his fiancée.
And, umm, instead of Dan, it was Dan but last year.
It's not the same at all.
But wait, you haven't heard the rest of the story.
That guy was me.
Oh, now it all pops into place.
Look, I've got some football tickets.
If you're ever feeling a bit low and want to spend some hang time with the Mikester-- No, thanks.
Football's not really my thing.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Hi, it's the mayor's office.
The mayor said if the photocopier breaks, I'm supposed to call you.
Sorry, I'm busy.
You know, football sounds fun.
All right.
You know, I got some face paint.
We could paint up our bellies.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
No, that's a bad idea.
Alan, it's really just a view of a parking lot.
Yeah, but if you look further into the horizon, you can almost catch a glimpse of another parking lot.
Okay, I'm looking but-- There it is! Yeah, keep looking.
I'll tell you something else, Mr.
Mayor.
Meet the Mayor night is a sham.
I got to drive all the way down here and eat a pancake just so I can talk to you? Can I grab you for just a sec? I want to show you the view from over here.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoopsy-doodle.
Let's go over to this window.
You want to talk about it? I'm afraid to say anything.
Alan might make me look out a window.
What? What are you talking about? Oh, don't worry.
I won't talk about anything.
I'll just stand around and look pretty.
You do look pretty.
Don't try to smooth talk me.
You're sleeping on the couch.
We have a guest bed.
That's what I mean, the sofa bed, Hide-A-Bed thing.
Oh, the sheet for that are a different size.
I don't even-- I'll help you with the sheets but you're sleeping on the guest bed.
I'll just sleep on the couch.
It's pretty comfy.
Okay, new plan: I'm on the couch, you're on the bed.
Ah, that was fun.
Thanks for giving me the scarf.
No problem.
Thanks for giving me the finger.
It suits you.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice finger.
Thanks.
We're #1! (Chuckling) Oh, man.
I am having a rough time with Claire.
I was just-- (Exhaling) What? Unbelievable.
You've been blowing off Jeff all week and now you want to sob to him about your domestic problems? It's okay.
I don't mind.
I haven't been blowing you off, Jeff.
You had your people call him about a photocopier, man.
Is that all he is to you? You see, what that was-- What are you doing here anyway, Dan? Was there a 10 minute window in your schedule? Oh, come on, Jeff.
That's not fair.
It takes me 15 minutes to get down here anyway so what you're saying doesn't even make sense.
Hey, man-- Well, thanks, Dan, for dropping by.
But if you want photocopying advice, it's 12 bucks an hour, and not from Jeff because he's out of the game.
What? What is with you, Jeff? I'm out of here.
That was rough.
But I'm glad that you stood up for yourself.
Yeah.
Two beers for me and my buddy.
Nah, forget it.
I'm going home before I say anything else I regret.
Make that just one.
Oh, power suit.
Big day? Oh, some lame event, City Hall, not even sure what it's called.
The Best and the Brightest.
It's the biggest event of the year.
Right, yeah.
So, you probably don't want to-- What? Rub shoulders with the rich and beautiful? Why would I want to do that? Okay, good.
I mean, not good that you're not coming, that I don't have to convince you.
I mean-- Let's get real, Dan.
I have a question for you and I want you to be direct.
Direct? Okay.
Yesterday, at the pancake thing, did you tell Alan to steer me away from the conversation? No.
Sorry, not direct.
Honest.
Oh.
Then yes.
I'm sorry.
I only had Alan do that because you wouldn't shut up.
Not that you should shut up, but if you had shut up, that would have been good.
I'll shut up.
So, maybe tonight, I'll be on the guest bed and you could be on the couch and nobody's in our bed.
All right.
Jeff, my man, how's it going? Ah, pretty good.
Hey, good time at the football game last night, buddy.
We totally got to do that again.
Yeah, maybe.
Listen, I was thinking.
Since we've been hanging out so much and getting closer, I just drew up a little something to help add some parameters to our friendship.
I'm sorry.
What? It's a friendship contract.
You can think of it as a pre-nup.
It'll help up protect each other as we get to know each other better, help manage expectations.
I don't-- Let's level with each other.
I saw the way you talked to Dan after the football game and I think we need something to help protect us from getting hurt.
I've already signed.
Yeah, I'm not signing this.
No, not right now, not until you get someone to look it over.
Okay, let me be clear.
This is really strange.
I know.
Commitment's a scary thing.
So, take your time.
Look it over.
I got to rethink who I hang out with.
Okay, sure, fine, play hardball.
I love this part of the game.
(Knocking) Hi.
Oh, hey.
I brought a box of some of the things you left at my place.
Thanks.
Actually, it's just the last two beers from the six pack you left at my house.
Appreciate it.
You look good.
Thanks.
I've been keeping busy.
Yeah, same here.
I should probably go.
Hey, Jeff.
It was good to see you.
It was good to see you too.
- Jeff.
- Yeah? What are we doing? I mean, I said some things I regret.
Mike said some things you regret.
I'm sorry about the Meet the Mayor thing.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to ask you to fix the photocopier.
I know that's part of your life you're trying to put behind you.
You try to get out of the game and they just reel you back in.
Beer? Don't mind if I do.
This beer's warm.
And it's 11:00 a.
m.
Water? Don't mind if I do.
So, that's it.
I am being managed by Dan's staff because apparently I talk about myself too much.
You? Really? I know, right? Like a person whose I.
Q.
Is in the 93rd percentile would do that.
If anything, I don't talk about myself enough.
When I was at Pendleton and Associates, you-- Any packages for me? I don't think anything's come in.
I I got a contract coming in, sort of a friendship thing with Jeff.
I got to say though, I kind of outdid myself.
I threw in some language on page two that's pretty advantageous to me.
He's a good guy and all, but to be honest, Jeff's a bit of a rube.
He'll sign, or not.
What do I care? I'm Mike Norman.
Yeah, nothing's come in for you.
All right, well, I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
But call me when it gets in.
Okay.
Is that what I'm like? Yes.
That the courier? No.
Huh, that's paella.
Should just call it rice.
Hi.
Claire, what are you doing here? Don't worry.
I've learned my lesson.
At those other parties, I talked about myself a little too much.
No, you know, if you want to talk about yourself, then that's what you should do.
No, there's a time and place, Dan.
At these kind of functions, you're the mayor.
I'll keep it about you.
Mayor Phillips, just wanted to thank you again for making our pig roast a huge success.
Oh, my pleasure.
Best tofu pig roast I've ever been to.
Well Oh, and this is your-- Claire.
My name is Claire.
And I will have you know I am a successful public relations CEO of Kendall and Associates and graduated at the top of my class cum laude.
And if you'll excuse me, there is a great view over there and I am going to go look at it.
Well, she's pretty well spoken for an escort.
Missed you, man.
Yeah, I missed you too.
Yeah, sitting here with a beer, staring at the wall, just not the same without you.
I know, eh.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Mike.
Look, before you ask, I'm not going to be signing that friendship contract.
I see my plan worked.
What? I only tricked you with that contract to show you two guys what you had: friendship.
And mission accomplished.
I mean, friendship contract? Come on, give me some credit.
Hi, I'm here to notarize some contracts for Mike Norman.
What? No.
No one here by the name of Mike Norman.
What kind of fake made-up name is that? No, you've obviously been the victim of a very cruel joke.
Thanks.
(Exhaling)