Dan Vs. (2010) s02e09 Episode Script

Can you tell me what this is? Uh fun meal? Do I look like I'm having fun? Uh no.
Exactly.
Every fun meal is supposed to come with a toy.
Do you see a toy in this box? Uh but you're like a grown-up.
Have you ever heard of ageism? Uh It's okay, son.
We're going to get through this together.
It's my first day.
(hortence o.
s.
) That's no excuse for poor customer service.
Hortence? It's the regional manager! Oh, man Am I, like, fired? No, but you're going back to Trainee Status until you can enter peoples' orders properly.
How are you? Uh, pretty good.
For me.
I mean, we're grading on a curve, right? You're funny.
I came here to find you.
I have some news.
I knew you'd move back once the dollar theater started "Half price Tuesdays.
" I happen to be free this Tuesday I'm not moving back, Dan.
I'm getting married.
What?! Jeremiah Burger and I are in love.
I'm going to be his Burger Queen.
Jeremiah Burger? What does he have that I don't have? Besides a job.
Millions of dollars.
More than one shirt.
The wedding's in Santa Monica, so I understand if you can't make it.
But I wanted to invite you anyway.
You know, if it wasn't for you, I never would have met Jeremiah.
See you around, Dan.
Uh, so you want another cheeseburger, or what? I'm not hungry.
Hortence, wait! WEDDING!!! Pack your things, Chris.
We've got a wedding to destroy.
I'm not up for destroying a wedding.
How about bowling? Dan, we all know you're acting this way because you still have feelings for Hortence.
Ridiculous! You know we're here for you if you want to talk about anything.
Oh, sure, that sounds fantastic! Let's make a day of it! We'll get pedicures in the morning, hit a matinee of "Three Chicks Crying," and then we can talk about our stupid feelings over brunch! Dan, don't try to tell us you're not in love with Hortence.
I barely know her, Elise.
We spent a few hours chained together during my Burgerphile protest, and, sure, I thought we connected she's an amazing girl.
Friendly, kind,always put a ketchup smiley face on my burger But love? Don't make me throw up.
Then why do you want to wreck her wedding? Because Uh, because Because she's making a huge mistake! We all know marriage is a scam, right? So you told us during your"Best Man"speech at our wedding.
People can live for years on what an average wedding costs these days! It's a waste of money,an inconvenience to family and friends Dan Half of all marriages end up in divorce, and the other half in death! There's no upside! This day is going to be a very big deal to Hortence.
If you care about her at all, you'll go to the wedding with a nice gift and say "congratulations.
" You're probably right, Elise.
Thanks for talking me down.
Chris, get your suit.
You're my plus-one.
We leave in five minutes.
But the wedding's not until Saturday.
I know that! We have a gift to buy, I need to have my suit pressed You have a suit? That reminds me.
You need to buy me a suit.
There's something magical about weddings.
They serve dessert and cake We're not going to the wedding.
We are going to destroy it before it ever happens.
I was hoping that you had actually listened to Elise.
I listened.
She was spouting nonsense! Moving on, here's the plan.
We find Hortence and kidnap her.
Not happening.
Just until she comes to her senses about this whole wedding thing! Then, we release her into the wild.
I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.
All thanks to you.
But I'm not going to kidnap a bride two days before her wedding.
It'll be fun, first we get some shackles, a couple of masks, a feather duster, some rubber hose, ten gallons of non-dairy dessert topping-- Nope.
Adult diapers, some non-stick-- Hey! You haven't even heard the best part! I don't need to.
And why would you need-- never mind.
Just forget it.
Fine.
Plan B: We find her and I talk to her about the ridiculous decision she's making.
That we can do.
How do you know this is the place? I called every bridal shop in town and pretended to be Jeremiah Burger.
You ever think if you applied yourself to more constructive pursuits, you'd-ow! Construct that.
There are other ways to express yourself- ow! If it aint broke There she is! Get down! She's upset.
She's probably realized what a terrible idea marriage is, but doesn't know how to get out of it.
She doesn't seem happy.
I'm always right! How do I look? Like you always do.
Sweet! I'm going in.
Dan? What are you doing here? Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
I'm shopping for cummerbunds.
Yes.
That's plausible.
Are you okay? No, I'm not.
My sister just went into labor in Minneapolis, and she won't be able to make it to the wedding.
Oh, that's too bad.
You should probably just call it off.
I can't do that.
Sure you can! Just tell everyone the wedding is cancelled until your sister can learn to control herself.
No, I'm getting married.
It's just that I'm going to be short a bridesmaid, the wedding party won't match It was supposed to be Uh, hey There, there.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
Like what? Uh How did it go? What was that? I said, "I'm a bridesmaid," okay? What? How did you--? Don't laugh! Sorry, sorry.
I'm sure you'll be adorable in your little bridesmaid's dress.
I'm not wearing a dress, jerkface! I'm wearing a lime-green tuxedo.
Lime-green? Aren't you worried you'll look like a leprechaun? "Ooh, I'm Dan! Stay away from me pot o' gold!" Are you done? I thought you wanted to stop the wedding, not be in it.
Oh, I'm still going to destroy the wedding.
But I'm going to do it from the inside! Did Dan ruin the wedding? Nope.
In fact, he's a bridesmaid.
He is? Yeah.
Which means that, since he's in the wedding party now, I can bring a guest.
Want to be my plus one? To watch Dan wreak havoc on some poor girl's special day? Not my thing.
You could keep me company.
Plus, I'll look dashing in my suit Eh, I don't know And you can see how excited the bride is when she opens our gift.
People don't actually open the gifts AT the wedding, Chris.
I mean, YOU did, but I think you're the only one.
Well, anyway, I got them something really cool.
Check it out! Oh no.
Oh yes! Megasaurian! Raaarh! Raarh! What? Okay, I'll come to the wedding.
On the condition that we get a gift that doesn't come with its own comic book.
One question: Would I- Yes, you can keep Megasaurian.
Done! Raaarh! Raarh! This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
I love the china pattern you picked out.
Don't you, Dan? Huh? Oh, sure.
China pattern.
Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing? Uh, like, of course.
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two.
Have you read the statistics about these things working out? Dan! Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past fifty? Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something.
Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is.
Just sayin'.
Oh, he's doing a "roast!" How funny! Oh! Okay.
For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
I was just pointing out-- You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover! What? No.
Yes! Too much fun! No! I don't want a makeover! Uh You laugh, I attack.
So How was the bridal shower? Aarrhh! Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me! It's not my makeup! This was done against my will! It's a good look for you.
Not one more word.
They rouged me, Chris.
I have been rouged! This is war.
And hey, you've already got your war paint.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a way to discredit and/or embarrass Jeremiah Burger, president and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited.
Do you have anything that could help? Once again, this is silly.
What are the odds that- "Who's Who in Beef"? Perfect! Thank you, my good man.
You can find anything you need at your local library, Chris.
Now let's get the skinny on that Burger You're not going to find anything in that-- "Bovine Billionaire's Bevy of Babes?" Huh.
Libraries, it's great how they let you borrow stuff.
DAN! I don't understand why we have to pick up your stupid wife.
Because Elise needs the car to go shopping.
Apparently, Megasaurian is not an appropriate wedding present.
What are you talking about? Megasaurian is awesome! That guy's destroyed Tokyo like 500 times.
That's what I said! Not that it matters, since the wedding's going to be called off anyway.
Dan, get in back.
You're not the boss of me.
Hey! Get off me! You filthy wh--oa! I choose to sit here of my own volition.
Sure, Dan.
So are they registered anywhere besides Ketchup World? It might not matter.
Why? Did you guys find something at the library? Apparently, Jeremiah Burger has been married six times before.
Wow.
Really? And Hortence has no idea? No, but she has to find out sometime.
Better now than after she's tied the knot.
Dan one, Wedding zero.
Oh, Dan, you need to be delicate about this.
Hey, it's me.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Keep the engine running.
Also, I'm taking Chris for moral support.
I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner.
Which is why you're going undercover! Now come on.
Keep him from making a scene.
Oh yes thank you.
There's no time for that! There's always time for shrimp puffs.
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine.
Sir, there's a phone call for you.
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
Get your own! There's my bridesman! Hortence, I need to talk to you.
Actually, I need to talk to all of you.
I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Hello, Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding! You, sir, are a fraud! What?! Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember?! We're leaving.
As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
Dan, what are you doing? I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger.
He's been lying to you.
I most certainly have not! He has, and I have proof! Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but SIX times! So come on.
You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Did you think I didn't know that?! Uh what? I've met all of his exes.
We're friends.
That's them right there! Oh.
This really is unacceptable behavior.
Especially from a bridesmaid.
Sheesh.
Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
I have never been so humiliated in all my life.
You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this.
I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you.
I I-- I never want to see you again! That's not how I feel about you! Just to clarify, when I said "be delicate," you thought I meant "Grab a microphone and make a scene in front of everyone?" In retrospect, perhaps some errors were made.
What took you so long? They kept handing me trays of food.
This one's pigs-in-a-blanket.
So Dan, you've alienated the love of your life, ruined a dinner, and made a complete fool of yourself.
What would you like to do with the rest of the evening? Sure, kick me when I'm down.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe Hortence and Jeremiah will be happy together? That's not possible! She's supposed to be with me! And the worst part of all of this is that you were right.
That's the worst part? I never told Hortence how I feel.
And now it's too late.
It's never too late.
Tell her.
She may not choose you, but at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering "What if?" This isn't the ending of "Three Chicks Crying.
" I blew my chance.
Security at the wedding will no doubt be on the lookout.
Wait, did you sit through the entire movie? You know, I have a friend who might be able to help you out.
What a lovely day for a wedding! Yup! Nothing suspicious about us! Very smooth, Chris.
Sorry.
I panicked.
I guess it's all up to him, now.
These things are safe, right? What, the plane? Well, you know, you roll the dice every time you go up.
That doesn't make me feel any better! Don't worry, I've had old Betsy here for twenty years! Never even had to take her in for maintenance! Huh.
Wonder what that was.
Oh, man.
We're gonna die.
Yup! Solid as a rock! There's some duct tape under your seat.
Go ahead and fix that for me? All we have to do is make sure people are looking the right way.
Why did Dan have to be in the plane? I want Dan to express himself.
I don't actually want him to ruin the wedding.
You're so smart.
Man, I always forget I'm scared of heights! We're in position! Hold tight! Look! Skywriting! Did you do this? Uh, no.
I can't see what we're writing.
We're writing "Hortence, I love you, don't marry him, Dan.
" What?! Don't write that! How about "Hortence, I feel warmly towards you.
" No can do, buddy! I was given specific instructions to force you to express yourself.
Well we're changing the plan! What--what are you doing?! Are you crazy? Uh, oh.
What's it say? It looks like gibberish to me.
I think it's Welsh! And it's filthy! Aaahh! Help me! My seatbelt's broken! Use the duct tape! When we get back, I'm going to have your pilots license revoked! Haha! Joke's on you! I don't have one! Seriously? Hortence, ever since I met you, I wanted to make you a Burger-- Oh, What was that?! We should go.
This is-- Gyuhhhh Jeremiah! Oh, no! Somebody help me! Dan?! Hortence, don't marry Jeremiah Burger.
All the craziness of the last couple of days has made me realize I need to tell you how I feel.
I l-- Jeremiah's fainted! You've got to help me get him out of here before the whole place burns down! Or, we could go to a movie.
I know it's not Tuesday but if we go dutch-- DAN! FINE! He'll be okay.
Thanks for helping me save him.
I'm really sorry, Hortence.
I didn't mean to wreck your wedding.
Well, I did at first, but then-- I know, Dan.
In a way, I'm flattered.
You did all this just to get me back? Of course I did! I llll I llll I think you're great.
I thought you were great too.
Up until you ruined my life and everything.
Well, sure, that I just thought we had something.
We did, Dan.
But I'm in love with Jeremiah.
Not with you.
But-- Jeremiah's going to get out of the hospital, and we're going to elope.
Someplace far away.
And that's that.
Goodbye, Dan.
Well, at least you wrecked the wedding.
Sorry you lost Hortence forever.
What do you mean forever!? Her husband eats nothing but burgers.
Before you know it, he'll have a heart attack and Hortence and I will live happily ever after on Burger Island.
Huh.
That's the first time I've heard you discuss a retirement plan.
I'm okay! (rod o.
s.
) WHAAA!!