Dead Like Me s02e09 Episode Script

Every family has its morning rituals.
I know mine did.
The gun went off at 7:00, rise and shine.
Actually, we were never that big on the shine, but what I really remember about morning was coffee-- the smell of it, the sounds of it everyone in my family loved coffee.
This sounds weird, but sometimes I think it's the one thing we all loved.
Can I see the obits? - More coffee? - Please.
It's my guy.
That's the guy I kissed.
He's old.
And dead.
The guy I kissed isn't dead.
That's his dad.
I reaped his dad.
And his memorial service is today at 3:00.
Wear something black and short.
- Really? You think I should go? - Absolutely.
Point grey club.
Mm.
Elegant.
Maybe something black and long.
What's that expression? "Don't shit where you eat.
Don't shit where you reap?" I'm definitely not going.
I'm going to help you pick out aoutfit.
Yeah.
Please.
Bonjour.
What's in the bag? Cinnamon buns.
- Mm! - Feel free.
They're still warm.
Mm! I do love me a tasty cinnamon bun.
Mm.
I'm so glad I'm done for today, I swear.
- You had to reap this morning? - Yeah.
That frosting applicator, a dangerous bloody machine, that is.
It took the guy's hand clean off.
Well, the hand straight off.
He died of blood loss.
Or shock.
Something.
Can't remember.
Anyway, really, really, really, really, really bloody death.
- It's disgusting.
- What? Oh, don't be such sissies.
These ones are clean.
I wiped the blood off of them ones.
You're disgusting.
Anything interesting in the obits? Nope, just the usual crap-- cherished schoolmaster, beloved aunt, dead construction worker.
For you, my dear.
And you, my friend.
- That a problem? - No.
It's just it's just a girl has a life.
- For example? - Oh.
Stuff.
Well since this is not a facial, but the end of a person's life, I don't think it can be rescheduled.
You're a smart girl, George.
Juggle things.
I can juggle things.
I can juggle things.
One deux uh, three.
Ahem.
Ready? Whoo-oo-hoo.
You're an idiot.
Actually, these cinnamon buns started off to be a very nice gesture, Rube, and what I wanted to do is get people breakfast, and that's what I get.
Daisy, back me up.
Your heart's in the right place.
Your heart's not in the right place.
The heart is not, as is so often seen on television, in the center of the body.
But thank you, Audrey.
Okay, who would like to go next? Who would like to show their model of the heart? Francis? Excellent.
You're going to like this, Reggie.
Okay.
Before I begin, I would just want to say thank you for the tribute to my dead komodo dragon, who was tragically killed last week during school.
I'm sure Frodo's in heaven, Francis.
Although there's no scientific evidence to support that, mrs.
Ricket, thanks.
You're welcome.
Whenever you're ready, Francis.
"The human heart," by Francis Bischetti.
My first attempt at modelling the heart using dry macaroni was a disaster.
The right ventricle kept falling off.
So what you are about to see, I have entitled "the heart-- Oh, cool.
Uh, Francis, where-- where did you get that? The internet.
Is it from an animal? It just said "heart" on the website.
It was from an international mail code.
Rwanda, I believe.
Uh, Francis, the, uh, the assignment was to make a model of the heart, not, uh, to buy one.
Uh, Reggie? I believe you're next.
I don't have it.
Okay and, uh, why don't you have it? - Well - Her dog ate it! Yeah, um Yeah.
That'll teach you to make a heart out of liver.
Everybody knows dogs like liver.
Is that what happened, Reggie? Yeah.
My dog ate it.
Okay.
Reggie, I'll give you until tomorrow.
Coffee's nice this morning.
Tastes the same to me.
Did you make it this morning, Crystal? Do anything different? Different beans? Bottled water? Cold drip? Hmm.
Tastes different.
Maybe you're the one that's different.
You know what, Misty? I think you're the one that's different.
Oh, did I tell you Fred asked me out last week for coffee.
And? Well, I don't want to have sex with Fred.
It's just coffee.
Coffee's code, Millie.
Fred wants me.
He wants a double-shot of Misty extra foam.
You know Misty, sometimes coffee is just coffee.
I work here 35 hours a week, and I swear to god, I spend 34 of them thinking about sex.
- And the other hour? - Oh, I'm having sex.
You're so full of shit, Misty.
Que pasa, Julio? When was the last time you had sex, Millie? Never? Oh, it's been a while.
What are you ladies talking about? Coffee.
I could use a nice cup of coffee myself, right about now.
I can't feel my arm.
Stan? Stan! Say something.
Oh, my lord.
He's having a coronary.
Is he gonna die? Mama, can you hear me? Don't look at me.
I don't have his post-it.
All right, Happy Time, life-support plan.
Code blue.
People, man your posts.
On the double! Millie! Uh, I wasn't here that day.
Come on, people! Where's my defibrillator crew? There's cheese on these! Who has been making grilled-cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles? Congratulations, Happy Time.
You just killed a man.
Thank you, Stan.
You know, I'm really disappointed, people.
We had C.
P.
R.
Training last month, and we're doing it again tomorrow morning, mandatory.
It's a little unsettling getting that close to death, isn't it? Mm.
Not so much.
I think George is in love.
She tell you that? No.
She didn't have to.
Unlike you, I can sense these things.
What are you trying to say? I have keen intuition.
Oh, you wish you had my intuition.
Oh, Roxy, it's not a contest.
I got to hop, got a soul to take.
I know this address.
- That's the Millstone hotel.
- Really? Well, how fun.
I love hotels.
Maybe I'll dress up as a housekeeper.
Why aren't you wearing your cross anymore? I lost it.
- Your faith or the cross? - Both.
I was just playing the part of the nice catholic girl.
I'm not, I'm not the real thing.
No? The spiritual thing isn't me.
I'm an actress.
I'm just a really good actress.
Whatever you say, Daisy.
Daisy adair.
So our little Georgie is crashing a memorial service to chase a boy? Yeah.
She won't actually go.
No? She'll chicken out.
I have the Millstone reap, and she's too afraid to go alone.
This way, please.
No, really not my crowd.
You and me both, pal.
You couldn't fall for a nice working man, could you? You had to find a bloody aristocrat.
He works.
He's a journalist.
Hah, works? For his rich dead father's newspaper-- cha-ching! Can you just try to behave yourself and act like a gentleman? - Fuck off.
- Okay, fine.
How do I look? Actually, you look really nice.
Very "come hither.
" Ooh.
Good.
- So which one is he? - The good-looking guy in black.
Mm.
Yes.
Still not clear.
That one.
I really like him, so don't screw this up.
I won't.
George, why am I here? To pay your respects to his father, Thomas Hesburgh.
Okay, got it.
And why are you here? To pay my respects to his father.
Thomas hesburgh.
Oh, my god.
You reaped his father.
Now you want to snog his son.
Hah.
I don't know.
I just Look, I have one hour before my reap, so whatever.
Oh, let's synchronize watches.
- Good idea.
- I don't have a watch.
It's almost time to go.
I don't want to go to dad's tonight.
- You have to.
- Why? Because it's court-ordered.
Do you have any homework for tonight? I sort of didn't finish that biology project.
The heart model? I thought that was due today.
- It was, but - But what? What am I supposed to do with all the papier-mâché I bought, hmm? Put it in the basement? Along with your drum set and your riding clothes? - The teenage graveyard.
- It's not a graveyard.
I know.
It's just an expression.
Mrs.
Ricket said I could have more time.
Hmm.
That was very nice of mrs.
Ricket.
She had George in her class.
Mrs.
Ricket was very fond of George.
A lot of george's teachers liked her.
So why'd she drop out of college? To make me mad.
- Really? - No.
I don't know what happened.
I think she would have gone back you know, eventually.
I don't know.
You should bring that biology project to your dad's.
All right? You can finish it there.
- Why can't I do it here? - Reggie.
His place is cheesy.
There's carpets in the bathroom, and you can hear people making sounds through the wall.
- Your father? - No, his fat neighbor.
- What kind of sounds? - Bathroom sounds.
Ugh.
That's bad.
And I'll never get it finished there, anyway, and you're the one who's good at building stuff.
He wants to spend time with you.
He even asked if he could get you early.
So why don't you and I just get started on it, and if we don't get it finished by the time dad gets here you'll finish it.
Reggie, I cannot do all your homework for you, okay? You'll never learn anything.
You want me to get into college, don't you? Just go get the stuff.
Housekeeping.
Hey, who stole my fucking cart? Anyone here? Housekeeping.
Oh, yes, could I get some fresh towels in the bath, please? I just need some fresh towels.
For one or two? Um, two, please.
He loves fresh towels, so thank you, Latanya.
Sure.
My pleasure.
Oh, my goodness.
What exquisite things.
You think so? Yeah.
I'd do anything for lovely things like this.
Well, I actually have Which one do you think I should wear? It's not my area of expertise.
Because I know that he likes red.
Um, I've seen his wife wear a lot of red.
Then maybe something not red.
Right.
Isn't that the point? Do something different, something that maybe his wife wouldn't do? Too true.
Go with the pink.
Men love pink.
Makes them feel like the strong one.
That's so smart.
I've got a million of 'em.
Nice hard bed.
Love that.
But, you know, I worry about the pink, because I think that would look a bit too desperate? No, no, no, not desperate.
Delicate.
Yeah, I-- I'm I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.
I, um Today's the day.
I decided I am I'm just tired of being "tuesday afternoon Tess.
" I'm tired of being the other woman.
I want to be mrs.
Frank Mann.
I should let you get ready.
Oh, yes.
I'll take those towels.
The pink one really is the prettiest.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Room service.
- I'll be out in a minute.
Shh.
Ooh when I crashed this funeral a couple weeks ago, they had these a shrimp puffy things.
Do you have any prawns with puffy pastry? No.
"No.
" God.
Can we get chinese food after this? What do you think, jacket on or off? Off.
Actually, on.
I think off, actually.
- Are you fucking with me, Mason? - Yes.
- Don't fuck with me today, Mason.
- Bloody hell.
Uh oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
- Hi, George.
- - Hi.
Um, mason, trip.
Trip, mason.
- Hi.
- Hello.
The death of a loved one is not a glancing blow, but a deep and meaningful wound that we regret most miserably.
Thank you.
You are most humbly welcome, Trip.
Ooh! When death's dark shadow passes upon us, we cannot help but search for that lightness, Trip, - because in that fucking lightness-- - - there's an open bar, if you'd like.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
I like him.
He's cool.
You know, if you keep crashing my club, people will start to talk.
What will they say? That you like me.
Uh, Trip? Oh.
No wonder you people drink so much.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Do you talk to dead people? - What? Your friend, he was, uh, talking to a dead woman.
Who do you think you're talking to, buster? So, uh, Mason, why did you bring him? I guess I wasn't sure.
- About? - You.
He's kind of my insurance policy.
What if I told you that when we were burying my father, I flashed on kissing you? And when I was delivering his eulogy, I flashed on kissing you.
I know it's not normal, but I think when someone you really love dies, you get a pass on normal.
Trip! Come say hello to the Fergusons.
Who is that? That's my sister, Ashley.
Look, I'll be back, all right? George, I think it's a really good time for us to get out of here.
Because I have to do my reap? No, because I just stole a really big diamond off a really little lap dog.
One of those annoying poodles? No, shih tzu, I think.
If I had coffee after lunch, I'd be up all night.
I'm up anyway.
- Thanks, Kiffany.
- You're welcome.
- Neighbors? - Nightmares.
I can remember when coffee was a nickel.
Ten cents and a crying baby, keep you up all night.
I'm going away for a couple days.
I need you to cover for me.
- Where are you going? - Away.
- What are you doing? - I'm doing a little research.
- On what? - Roxy.
You ask me for a fucking favor and then you zip up? I don't think so.
I sent something to someone a long time ago and it didn't get to that someone, and I'm trying to do a little follow-up.
- Were you dead when you sent it? - Roxy.
Were you dead when you sent it? - Yes.
- Really? Is this someone dead or alive today? Dead, Roxy.
Coffee was a nickel.
Now leave me alone and just let me enjoy my pie in peace.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Do the post-its for me? I appreciate it.
We have a 187 at the Millstone hotel.
I'll cover for you.
What do you want to do? Movie? There's nothing good out.
Want to go to the Delaney house for some fried clams? I'd rather just watch T.
V.
Okay.
So we're eating in.
What do you have? Whatever the delivery guy brings to my door.
Dad did you and charlotte break up? Well, why would you ask that? She cooked.
We did.
We broke up.
Did she dump you? Reggie, people don't dump one another in a mature relationship.
So she dumped you? Yes.
Charlotte really liked you, though.
She told me she was really going to miss you.
I wasn't crazy about her.
So you and your mom have something in common.
So no homework ? Mom's doing it.
You know, because you can do your homework over here, Reg.
I can help you.
I am a teacher.
You couldn't handle it.
It's science.
English teachers can do science.
Mom's doing it.
Reggie, I really don't want your mom doing your homework without you.
It's, well, it's cheating, and you know how I feel about that.
Okay.
So what's the assignment? We have to make a model of the heart.
Out of what? Anything.
Cool.
Lovely.
Do you think they take requests? I'll ask them.
"Freebird!" "Freebird--" yeah, free, freebird! Can I buy you a drink? It's a private club.
You don't buy people drinks.
Whoo.
Bitchy heiress.
You're just my type.
I love it.
What's your name? Mason.
What's your name? Don't tell me.
Ooh, I love this game.
Whitney? Parker? - Whitney? - You already said that.
- Parker? - It's Ashley.
Fucking bollocks.
Bullshit.
Bullbags.
I knew it.
- Why are you here? - Hesburgh funeral.
- I'm Ashley Hesburgh.
- And I'm very sorry.
- Why are you here? - I'm with her.
Yeah? Well, I don't know her either.
Who is she? She's Trip's girlfriend.
- Really? - Yes.
And yet I've never seen her before.
Bet there's a lot you haven't seen before, Whitney.
Sure.
Buy me a drink.
- Really? - Mm.
- Really? - Mm.
Whoo.
Another drink for this young lady, please, and put it on my tab.
Fucking bollocks.
Why are we here again? Because I don't want to have to talk to anybody.
Except you.
My sister and I started doing this when we were kids.
You know, anything to get away.
It's sweet that you talk to your sister.
I totally ignored mine.
- You don't talk to her anymore? - Why? Well, you just-- you used the past tense.
Well, how about we not talk about our families? Deal.
We don't have to talk about anything.
This is so not right.
I have a dead person to deal with, he's got a dead person to deal with, but for just a moment, this was a nice little hiding place.
Trip.
Busted.
I haven't been introduced to your friend.
I'm sorry.
Um, George, this is my sister, Ashley.
Ashley, this is george.
Hi.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
- Maybe we should - Yeah, yeah, that would be - Ladies first.
- Thank you.
Oh! Found my contact lens.
Thank god.
Can't see a thing.
So how long have you two lovebirds been together? What's up, Ashley? Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you're at our father's memorial service doing the hideout routine with some girl I've never seen before.
Ashley, you're being impolite.
Actually, Trip, you're being impolite.
You have spent all of three seconds talking to dad's friends.
- I should probably just go.
- Don't be silly.
So, how long have you two been an item? - That's enough, all right? - See, because, uh-- oh! Mason here says that George is your girlfriend.
Mason.
Yeah, you know what? Actually, she is.
- I am? - Well, that's nice.
Welcome to the family.
George - I didn't catch a last name.
- What is your last name? No.
Don't.
Lass.
Okay, so, she's your girlfriend, and you don't even know her last name? George, we have to go now.
Maybe I'm just a spoilsport, but dad is dead, and this isn't funny anymore, and you, little brother, need to grow the fuck up.
I've got to go.
That's cool Uh, so do I.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Just go do your thing.
You shouldn't not have told him your last name.
George lass is dead.
I got to go reap somebody.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Who am I kidding? This isn't me.
I had to get out of there.
This place was members only, and I was, as Mason said, not really eligible.
What's up? The oldest story in the world.
Guy's trying to unload his mistress who got to be a pain in the ass.
Did he leave any prints? Didn't have to.
We found his name written on a hotel pad by the phone.
Like she was speaking to us from the dead.
Pretty handwriting.
Guess he won't be hurting anybody anymore.
I'll see you later.
We've got things pretty much wrapped up around here.
Not quite everything.
I got you, sweetheart.
You're okay.
Come with me.
I had it all wrong.
You don't go to a funeral to meet a guy.
You go to a wedding where there's lots of guys.
All guys.
All the time.
So, are you with the groom or the groom? Huh? I'm just glad that Kyle and Jeffrey are finally making this official.
No surprises on that wedding night, you know what I'm saying.
I'm Gordon.
Gordon maynard.
I know.
I'm not funny, but I was just trying to meet someone, and you seem nice.
I'm kind of here with somebody.
Okay.
Nice to meet you.
He didn't seem like your type anyway, at all.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
Gorgeous guys, they're just so high-maintenance.
Well you're gorgeous.
You're a girl.
But thank you.
All right.
I'll throw it.
We're not throwing it.
Just throw the fucking thing.
It's a photo-op.
Fine.
Here we go! Honey? Over the shoulder.
Right.
I've got to catch the bouquet.
It's good luck.
Well, go, give it your best shot.
Mm.
What are you doing here? I, uh, made the wedding cake.
One two three! Hi, Gail.
It's Joy.
I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to be able to make it tonight.
Yeah, I know.
I really want to start joining you guys on these girls' nights out, I do, but I'm just not feeling well.
Yeah.
Well, we'll do it another time, right? I promise.
Okay.
Yeah, thanks, Gail.
Sometimes, you just have to lose yourself in your work.
Losing yourself in your work could be a good thing.
But just being a loser not such a good thing.
Gordon? Are you okay? He doesn't look good.
He never looked good.
He's not moving.
Call an ambulance.
Okay.
What happened? Did I even get it? You got it.
Great.
They're all hooking up with each other over my death, and I'm alone.
You're not alone.
I died without a boyfriend.
I don't suppose there's any chance of getting one on the other side? That's a good question, Gordon.
What's the answer? I'm still trying to figure it out myself.
But for now, I'm here for you.
I know I'm not exactly your type, but - I can be bitchy.
- Bitchy's cool.
And hey, you snagged the bouquet.
True.
Gordon, I think you're ready.
Nobody should have to face death alone.
Not in the mood.
You are some kind of fuck-up.
This is some Mason shit.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You leave the soul, and you finger the murderer.
I did nothing of the kind.
You left the man's name! No, I didn't.
I know your handwriting, Daisy.
Your silly little curlicues.
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I just didn't want him to get away with it, okay? That's not your job.
Your job is to handle that woman's soul.
Everybody has something they don't deal with, Roxy.
Rube doesn't do kids.
I don't do those.
- Those what? - Women who end up that way.
Defenseless, with a man coming at them.
I can't watch it.
- That never happened to you.
- I didn't say it happened to me.
Then what are you feeling so guilty about? I just feel guilty.
Can't a girl feel guilty? Maybe you need to go back to church.
Maybe we're done talking about this.
Doesn't that fuck with your sleep? I'm up anyway.
Can I get you anything? Coffee.
The cool thing about being a reaper was you kind of had a second chance to make things right.
Another whack at the piñata.
See if I could get the thing to break open I don't know.
Maybe the party was already over.
This is going to be beautiful, sweetie.
Maybe the lights went out and I just couldn't see it.
I don't know.
Being dead, I could handle.
Being totally alone was something else.
Being alone was too much.
Or it was just too much today.
- Oh, my god! - Hi.
- Who told you where-- - Your friend, Mason.
Mason, Mason, Mason.
Look, at the risk of sounding completely stalkerish, I found something of yours, and I just thought I should give it back to you.
Check it out dead Cinderella.
I shouldn't have come today.
No.
No.
Of course, you should have.
It was just it was bad timing.
I'm sorry.
About your dad.
You know, they're all at the house right now.
I just-- I couldn't get slobbered on by another old lady telling me what a great man my dad was.
- Does that make me shallow? - I'm into shallow.
Shallow's the new deep, haven't you heard? I just couldn't listen to one more person telling me, "do you know how proud your father was?" - Do you want to kiss me? - Please.
I mean, I know that he was proud of me.
He told me he was proud of me.
I don't know why I have to listen to it from so many other people.
Do you want to go back there or do you want to be here? I want to be here.
I wasn't ready for my death and it came anyway.
And I wasn't ready for this, but here it came anyway.
Like something, I don't know, falling on me out of the sky.
It was pretty nice to have someone track me down for once, to think someone cared that I was gone.
What is this vision of loveliness I see before me? Nymph? Angel? Not tonight.
You're wearing golf shoes.
Shut up.
No way.
Is that what they are? Bloody hell.
They're very smart, aren't they? Lovely.
I have had the most incredible day.
It's been booze, it's been food, it's been petty larceny.
It's been absolutely fucking fantastic.
Wish you would have been there.
I missed you.
That's nice.
Kiffany, can I interest you in a very, very good deal on a very nice gold watch? How about a nice bag ? No.
You can't wear golf shoes in here.
Why not? - Fucks up the floors.
- Okay.
- You want some more coffee, hon? - I'm done.
Thanks.
She hates me.
She's had a long day, and so have I.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Really? I've got something for you as well, Daisy Adair.
Tah-dah! Wow.
A girl's best friend.
Stolen from man's best friend.
- A dog? - A really wealthy dog.
I thought it might be too small to go around your neck, so you can wear it as a bracelet.
- Here.
Let me help you.
- I love it.
I love you loving it love.
Did I ever tell you I had a sister? No.
Why don't you tell me all about it? Kiffany, please could I have a coffee? One coffee.
So, thanks for sleeping over, Reg.
Sure.
Did you have fun? Sure.
I'm sorry about Charlotte.
You'll get over getting dumped.
Mom did.
So I'll see you on friday.
Hey, uh come on over early if you like.
Okay.
Thanks for helping me with my project.
All right.
Thank you, sweetie.
Hi, honey.
What is that? Dad helped me with my heart assignment.
Hey, J.
D.
, Buddy! Come here.
Come on! Up.
Yes! Reggie! I was up all night working on that.
He wanted to.
So, your father working on a science project well, I'm sure it's very accurate.
It's a poem.
He said for you to read it.
He said the end's the best part.
"Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake "and die as fast as they see others grow "and nothing 'gainst time's scythe can make defense "save breed to brave him when he takes thee hence.
" - What does that mean? - Shakespeare.
It means that it means you should have kids, because then you're never alone.
Is dad trying to get back together with you? No, sweetie.
No.
He did it for you.
It's about you.
Is that what you made? Oh, my god! What happened? J.
D.
ate it.
Reggie, you have to leave for school in 10 minutes.
I haven't even had my coffee yet.
I like it.
Okay, I didn't hate it, but it was weird.
I hadn't exactly been close to anyone in a while.
Okay, ever and suddenly, someone had gotten very close.
And then they disappeared.
Oh, what the fuck? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Coffee? - Of course.
- Thought I'd let you sleep.
- Thanks.
So So.
I think I know why people use that stupid phrase "doing it.
" Because it's so fucking hard to talk about.
I hope you know that I wasn't, you know, planning that.
Oh, no.
Me either.
- I was hoping for it.
- Yeah, me too.
Totally.
There we were, in one of those bubbles you blow as a kid-- kind of round and perfect and just a little strange, floating in the air So this was fun.
And there it goes-- pop.
Yeah.
It was fun.
So I'll I'll call you.
If you want.
I just I mean, I know you have a lot of things to do, but if you want, you can call.
Okay.
So you're cool? Oh, yeah.
Totally cool.
Oh, my fucking god, that's hot.
So maybe I was a virgin when it came to the sex thing I'll se you.
But he was a virgin too first big death.
And you never really know what death will make you do How you try to defy it To reach past what's possible.
How you struggle to fit the pieces together even though they're way too broken to bother.
I don't know.
"Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake "and die as fast as they see others grow "and nothing 'gainst time's scythe can make defence" I do know that, that morning, I felt like my heart, or whatever it was that was in my chest, was still going.
Nice job, Millie.
You brought her back to life.
Thanks.