Detroiters (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

1 - It's gonna be great.
- It's gonna be awesome.
We're gonna have a blast.
Come on, let's bring it in.
Bring it in.
Let's get a picture.
- ALL: Fowling! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[PINS CLATTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, how are ya? We're here for the charity event.
The entry is a suggested $100 donation.
And I would suggest a much lower number.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Is there an open bar? - Yes.
- Oh! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
You're gonna lose money on this deal.
- It's dumb, stupid.
- This is dumb.
- You guys are suckers.
- Idiots.
- Here you go, sucker.
- Thank you.
Oh, there's Harbaugh.
- [SCATTERED GROANS.]
- Dang it! It's okay, Jim.
We're just having fun, for charity.
Well, it's totally different mechanics.
Fowling is different.
You think LeBron James would be good at pop-a-shot? - Look at this guy! - I'm getting this.
Dang it! This guy's killing me! - There she is.
- [HARBAUGH GRUNTS.]
Let's do it.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC.]
- Oh, yum-yum-yum.
- This looks delicious.
I can't wait to have another slice.
Uh, s-sorry, you each have a A pepperoni on your face.
- Oh, God damn it.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, crap.
- How embarrassing.
First we donate $10,000 to charity, and now we got pepperoni on our faces.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
- I'm sorry.
You probably get this all the time, but has anybody ever told you you look just like Emma Stone.
[TSKS.]
No.
I was thinking Reilly Clair, VP of Marketing, Little Caesars.
Oh, actually, yeah, I am Reilly Clair.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness.
.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Are you serious? That's I mean So embarrassing.
Oh, my God.
- First, we donate 1OK.
- Each.
- Each.
- And now this? Ugh.
Sam Duvet.
Cramblin Duvet Advertising.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
How you doing? Tim Cramblin, the aforementioned Cramblin Duvet Advertising.
We would love to work with you someday.
Oh, well, actually we are looking for a new agency.
Oh, my God.
I had not heard that.
- Sam, had you heard that? - I had not heard that.
Oh, had I heard that I would have said, "Well, look no further You found the perfect guys for the job.
" - Had I heard that.
- Had he heard that.
Dang it! Give me that.
Watch this.
[YELLS.]
I don't mind telling you, we're the two best admen in the city.
But we're also big fans of your Little Caesar's pizza.
Oh, thank you.
The smell of one of your Hot-N-Readys instantly takes us back to some of our greatest childhood memories.
And not just for us, but for everyone we know.
[WAILS.]
You couldn't walk 50 miles in any direction from the spot we're standing in right now without coming across a birthday party, graduation, or an anniversary that isn't serving a great, big, piping-hot - I can't believe this! - Little Caesars - [BALL THUNKS.]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS.]
Pizza, pizza.
Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah Welcome back to "Mitch, Please!" With your host Mitch Albom and Ken B-B-B-Brown! All right, we're back.
Take a look at what happened at a local fowling charity event where Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh can't hit a single pin, but does connect with the back of this guy's head.
- [BALL THUNKS.]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS.]
- Pizza, pizza.
- What a moron! I don't know why, but I hate this guy.
I mean, I guess I see what's funny about that.
I guess, I mean, like, but wouldn't it be funnier if I had gotten knocked out? I mean, what's funny about not flinching? I mean, we almost had Little Caesars! I could tell, Reilly was into that pitch, man.
Had you not getting beaned to the back of the head by Harbaugh's throw at that exact moment, we'd have landed the Little Caesars account.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have been hit in the head with a football.
[SOFTLY.]
Hey, how How is your head, man? Don't.
Don't even.
I should have asked you that right after it happened.
- I apologize.
Sorry.
- Yeah, man.
[CELL PHONES CHIME.]
[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Guys, thank you so much for coming in on such short notice, but we were really excited to talk to you.
- We're excited to be here.
- Yeah.
Is it true that the water fountains here shoot out cheese and not water? No.
How how would that work? I'm not stupid.
Cool.
Oh, my God.
Those windows are always supposed to be closed! That's where we come up with the new pizzas.
[CHUCKLES.]
I thought I saw a pizza ball in there.
No, you didn't.
You didn't see anything.
[SOFTLY.]
There was a real nice pizza ball.
- The guy spazzed.
- The guy spazzed.
You know they're up to something.
Oh, hey, guys, grab a slice of pizza and have a seat.
We'll get started in just a second.
Hi, Tim.
- How's it going? - Good.
Paul Sloan.
I used to work for your dad at Cramblin.
- I'm at Little Caesars now.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Meet me? - Are you kidding? It's me, Paul.
I remember when you used to fit in the palm of my hand.
Heck, kid, I used to change your diapers.
Why would you have changed my diapers? 'Cause they were filled with poop.
- No why you? - Listen All right, guys, let's get started.
All right, everyone, this is Tim and Sam from Cramblin Duvet Advertising.
No introduction is needed for me.
I used to change that guy's diapers.
[LAUGHTER.]
Shut up.
Well, needless to say, these two made quite an impression yesterday.
I'm sorry, you guys want to tell it? Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, we ran into Reilly when we were eating Little Caesars pizza, actually.
We had pepperonis on our faces.
We had pepperonis on our faces.
And we told her, you couldn't walk 50 miles in any direction from the spot we're standing in right now Yeah, guys, uh, just tell them the part where Harbaugh pegged you in the back of the head with a football.
It was hilarious.
Was it? And that's when we knew we needed to hire you two to do an ad for us.
Hire us? We just landed Little Caesars? Congratulations.
- Oh, my God! - Holy hell.
Oh, well, I gotta tell you, you're not gonna be disappointed.
- No, hell no.
- Promise you that.
We're gonna put together the best friggin' ad you've ever seen.
Yeah, or else we'll die trying.
Boom! - Oh, no, my friend's dead! - [LAUGHS.]
No, uh, guys you already pitched the perfect commercial.
Even a football to the back of the head won't stop you from enjoying Little Caesars - [BALL THUNKS.]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS.]
- Pizza, pizza.
- [LAUGHTER.]
I mean, come on.
That is the commercial.
Am I right? [FALSETTO.]
Ohh, yeah.
[FALSETTO, MUMBLING.]
Uh, that's pretty good.
[FALSETTO, MUMBLING.]
Pretty good.
Hey, Quintin! Two beers for two guys who just landed Little Caesars Pizza.
- We just left the headquarters.
- Cool.
I heard the water fountains there squirt out cheese instead of water.
Are you stupid? Fellas.
I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, love your Harbaugh video, man.
Hey, it's my girl's birthday.
I wonder if she come over here, we could, like, throw her purse at the back of your head.
You could be like, "Birthday, birthday"? No, I'm okay.
Thanks, though.
Oh.
So you're an asshole.
Baby, he said no.
Asshole! I'm not embarrassed by what happened, but at the same time, I don't like the idea of perpetuating the incident in a commercial for the largest pizza brand on the planet.
It's just our foot in the door, Sam.
All we have to do now is pitch them a brand-new idea that undeniably better than you getting hit in the head with a football.
Yeah, anything's funnier than that.
How bout we take a - [CAN THUNKS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man.
We're big fans.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, you can't beat funny with funny.
So the new idea has to be something that shamelessly pulls at people's heartstrings.
Ooh! Okay, how about this? Uh, an old lady's crying by a river.
Uh, uh, she's tossing her husband's ashes in the river.
And a a fish eat the ashes and jumps out of the water and winks at the old lady.
Uh, she catches the fish, puts it in a tank.
She has her husband back.
Little Caesars.
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
I just I don't know how you grab a fish out of the water, is the only thing Yeah, but making a fish wink is easy? It's your idea, asshole! [CAN THUNKS.]
You proud? Enough! - I'm thinking for the tag - Yeah.
We got with: "It's not just a slice of pizza.
" - It's a little slice of home.
" - Oh, it's great.
It's so much better than "slice of house.
" - Mm-hmm.
We got this.
- Yeah.
- Follow my lead.
- Yes.
Mmm, let me take a bite of this Little Caesars.
Pizza, pizza.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, my gosh, Donnie, that was terrific.
Thank you so much for coming in.
I'm gonna need the pizza, but thank you so much.
[CHUCKLING.]
He was great! Oh, my God, I cannot believe his pants fell down in the middle of the audition.
He looked like a complete idiot.
- He's perfect.
- Right? Excuse me? Uh.
Are you guys auditioning actors already? Yeah.
Reilly, can we talk to you for a second? Sure.
There he is! I've seen this guy naked from head to toe.
As a baby.
I used to change his diapers.
This kid would eat anything he got his hands on.
And then his face would scrunch up and turn red and bam! It would should out the front, the back, and everywhere.
And I used to have to clean up every inch.
Where were my parents? Why was I left alone with you? [CHUCKLES.]
And don't get me started about the piss! - [IMITATES WHIZZING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
We're just a little concerned with how fast things are moving.
Yeah and we actually have a brand-new idea that I think you're gonna like even more.
- I hope you have tissues ready.
- Mm-hmm.
Because imagine this.
An old lady stands by a river Yeah, guys, I'm sorry, we're just We're really happy with the guy getting hit in the head with the football, so.
Hello, Reilly.
Oh, hey, Andrew.
I came straight from the airport.
I'd love to get the production meeting done, so I can have a bath.
Oh, of course you would, you poor thing.
Okay, it's just right down there - through the conference room.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[SOFTLY.]
That's Andrew.
He's directing the commercial.
- Wait, what? - Wha I thought we were directing? - [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Uh, no, God no.
Sorry, guys.
That was never an option.
We've directed hundreds of commercials.
Yeah, I I know.
We've seen them.
We once directed five commercials in one day.
Look, guys, Andrew is one of the premiere advertisement directors in the world, okay? Just sit back and let him do his thing.
And who knows? You guys might even win a D Award for this.
Huh? [CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS.]
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER.]
Well, don't get mad at us! Yeah, shut the blinds if you don't want us to see your fancy pizza ball! [MUFFLED.]
You didn't see a pizza ball! Yes, we did! [SMOOTH SMALTZY POP MUSIC.]
- Whoa.
- Look at this.
Hey, guys.
What the hell are you guys doing here? We're here to support you on your big day.
- I took the day off of work.
- We all did.
Well, not you, Tommy.
Technically, this is still work for you.
- In fact, get me a coffee, man.
- Right away.
- Would you look at those! - Oh.
Sit in your chairs so I can take pictures of you in 'em.
Come on, Chrissy, that's embarrassing.
This is work for us, it's not like fun.
[SOFT SQUEAL.]
Got it.
[SQUEALING.]
Oh, look at you, so cute! Actually, it's sexy, so.
- And action.
- We at Little Caesars want to find out what it would take to stop you from enjoying our pizza.
Introducing test item 423 - a football.
- Cut! That's excellent, Brian.
Excellent? It wasn't very funny.
That wasn't funny at all.
I mean, should it be like Should he make a funnier face? Or say, like, a funnier number? Like, could he say "frickin' football"? [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Go tell him.
Oh, no, I can't They're doing their thing.
Yeah, we're not directing this one.
It's your commercial.
I'm sure they'd be interested in your ideas.
You guys make everything better.
We can probably fly in one note.
- We can fly in one note.
- And roll it up! - One note.
- I think so.
Rolling! And action.
We had a quick note.
Something to add.
Cut.
Who the fuck are you? Tim Cramblin.
Cramblin Duvet Advertising.
We we actually met before your bath.
What the fuck are you doing here? Uh oh, we actually came up with the idea for this commercial.
Yeah, we have a couple of, uh, chairs with our names on them.
I don't give a shit.
Reilly.
I have a limited amount of time here.
I can't just have nobodies wandering into frame and mucking it up.
I am I'm very sorry, Andy.
- We were just trying to help.
- You want to help? Sit out of frame and shut the fuck up while I film these Mini Caesars.
Again, so sorry.
Look, why don't you guys go back to your bloody chairs? "Bloody"? [SOFTLY.]
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
- What was the note? - What? What was the fuckin' note that was so fuckin' important that you had to interrupt my shot? [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Uh, mayb Uh, maybe it could be "friggin' football"? - [SOFT LAUGHING.]
- What? [SOFT LAUGH.]
Instead of him saying just "a football," he says, "a friggin' football.
" [BOTH LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
Are you fuckin' idiots? [SHOUTING.]
Does anyone think that's funnier? Anybody? All right, then.
Okay, look, guys, why don't you just get out of here, all right? Yeah, that's all right, we'll We'll go back to our chairs.
No.
I mean, get out of here.
Leave.
[MOODY FUNK MUSIC.]
How'd it go? I ran to the restroom, and I didn't see what just happened.
I saw that you saw.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Oh, I love you, Sam.
Thanks, but I don't need your help 'cause I'm not humiliated.
- [UPBEAT LOUNGE MUSIC.]
- What are we even doing here? That commercial got nominated for a D Award.
Let's just try to enjoy it.
We had nothing to do with it.
We got kicked off the set.
I choose to remember that we walked away with our heads held high.
[DRUMROLL.]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Detroit's favorite son from your favorite television show, "Martin.
" Please welcome Cole from "Martin.
" [ENTHUSED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[ORCHESTRAL MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
[CHEERING AND WHISTLING.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ah-ah-ah! [CHEERING.]
What's up, Detroit? I'm Carl Anthony Payne II.
Now, even though we actually never filmed "Martin" in Detroit, every time I would see all those beautiful exterior shots, I would think, "Damn, such a nice place.
" [ENTHUSED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, now, I know you guys are thinking I came alone, right? I brought Carl Anthony Payne III! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Now, the producers of the show, they saw this bit and asked me not to do it.
They thought it wasn't good.
But I ask you guys.
Is this good? [AS PUPPET.]
What's up, guys? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Detroit's biggest night in advertising [AS PUPPET.]
The D Awards! [ORCHESTRAL FANFARE.]
[HOOTING.]
[TAME APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations.
All right, guys, it's time for the big one.
The D Award for Consumer TV 30-Second Single.
Here's our first nominee.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
Memories Hide between these bricks Picture frames Hold picture perfect moments They stole our pitch.
Don't flatter yourself.
A lot of people can have the same idea.
Turn all our stories For love always wherever we go [APPLAUSE.]
Next up, Better Made Chips from Pomerantz and Klein.
Let's get a drink.
Memories hide between these bricks See? [DISTANT.]
Picture frames hold picture perfect Can I have a Robert Palmer, please? - Hey.
- "Pizza, pizza.
" Can I whip this napkin at the back of your head? Abso-fuckin'-lutely not.
There he is! Oh, for Christ sake Funny seeing you in here again.
Oh, I've seen that look before.
You're getting ready to take a big dump.
And in a minute, I'll be wiping your little bun down with a wet towel and pouring baby powder on your tuchus, so your anus wouldn't turn red as Rudolph's nose.
Why were you always changing my diaper, man? You're not even related to me.
You should not have been doing that.
Oh, jeez, kid.
Your dad would bring you into work, and then he would get so busy he wouldn't have time to take care of you, so I set up a spot for you in my office, let you play with my old Matchbox cars, and while all that was going on, you'd take a lot of craps, and I'd clean 'em up.
Look, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
Oh, my God.
I'm I'm so sorry, Paul.
I had no idea.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Oh, yeah.
I just feel like I had a hand in raising you.
Now, why don't you hop up here for old time's sake? - Paul - Aw, I'm just joking.
- Okay.
- I'm just proud of you.
But I bet your dumps are way bigger and way messier.
I'd love to see 'em, even if just in the toilet.
Oh, damn it.
Say it.
"Pizza, pizza.
" Say it.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get our pea coats and go.
Let's get our pea coats and get out of here.
Mmm, delicious Little Caesars.
- Pizza, pizza.
- [LAUGHTER.]
And there you have it.
Even a football to the head won't stop you from enjoying Little Caesars Pizza.
- Idiots.
- You're all sheep! Well, no surprises here, guys.
The winner is: Little Caesars, Cramblin Duvet.
- Oh, my God! - We did it! A fuckin' D Award! Aah! [UPBEAT MOTOWN MUSIC.]
You got me believing in you [LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Uh ah.
When you know, when I was first hit in the head with a football, I-I thought, hmm, this would be a great commercial, because it was funny, you know, and I always thought it was funny.
Uh, and I was always in on the joke.
So, to you I say welcome to the joke! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Tim.
Commercials have the power to change the world.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You got me believing in you It's weird.
All I've ever wanted was to win a D Award.
Doesn't feel like I thought it would.
Yeah, that's 'cause we didn't do anything to win it.
That's right.
This is meaningless.
Hey, guys, congratulations.
- Suck it, pal.
- We beat you, you lost, you're a piece of shit, and nobody loves you.
It's an empty victory.
Yeah, sure is.
Hey, fellas.
Congratulations.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it was a great commercial.
Thank you so much, Carl, but honestly, we had nothing to do with it.
Hmm.
You know this reminds me of the time "Martin" won the 1994 Image Award for Outstanding Comedy Series.
- Oh, yeah, magical night.
- Yeah, of course.
- I remember that.
- Yeah, yeah, it was great.
Right? We won.
You know, but it didn't feel like my award.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you had to share it with Martin and Tommy and Pam and Gina and Sheneneh.
Well, Sheneneh was Martin.
But you know what, that's beside the point.
I mean, you know, that was just my ego talking.
You know what I'm saying? I mean, since then I've learned to appreciate the achievement.
You know, you put it like that, it's pretty cool.
It's like the D Award is the Image Award, and we're "Martin.
" [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
No.
You're Cole from "Martin.
" Well, that's pretty cool, too.
Oh, I know it is.
Take it easy, fellas.
- BOTH: Thanks, Carl.
- Appreciate it.
- Wait, Martin was Sheneneh? - I know! - What the hell? - How? I met the real Sheneneh once.
Yeah.
God bless you.
[STAMMERS.]
Thank you.
[STIFLED LAUGHTER.]
And never never Let a teacher tell you that you're fat.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]