Dharma & Greg s02e09 Episode Script

You're such a vicious watchdog.
- Hey.
- Hey! - How's it going? - Get up.
We're gonna throw a refrigerator off the roof.
- Cool.
What kind? - Kelvinator.
We filled it with Ping-Pong balls this time.
Nice.
Dharma, why is Jane in our bed? Because you told me not to call after midnight.
Come on, Dharma, the countdown's aready started.
No.
I gotta get sleep.
I gotta get up early, go to this country-club charity thing and get my hair done.
What's the matter with the way your hair is now? Good night, Jane.
' See you in the morning.
What's the matter with you? Don't even know you anymore.
Good, then stop climbing into bed with us.
Oh, good watchdog, Stinky.
Say good night to the nice burglar.
'M sorry, honey.
- T's okay.
Night.
- Good night.
Yeah.
Hey, Greg.
- 'M getting dressed here.
- That's okay.
Do you know if anybody wants that refrigerator on the sidewalk? Think it's a Kevinator.
Dharma, your parents are here.
T's good that you wear boxer shorts if you wanna have kids.
It keeps your testicles at the right temperature.
Dharma.
Dharma.
Come on.
Greg's not comfortabe being undressed in front of you guys yet.
No, no "yet.
" Ever.
Greg has very pretty legs for a man.
'Ve seen prettier.
One time in the shower, he let me put Nair on them.
Dharma! His hair grew in so soft.
We're driving to Davis to see a free concert in the park.
Do you wanna come? Art Garfunke's opening up for the two guys from Manhattan Transfer.
Sounds so fun, but can't.
Greg and I are going to the club for a charity fundraiser.
- Well, what charity? - We, we're gonna raise money to help teach underprivileged kids stuff.
- That's coo.
What stuff? - Well, mostly to yacht.
Yacht? You're teaching poor kids how to yacht? No, no, no.
We're gonna have brunch and watch a fashion show.
Someone else will teach them to yacht.
Are you hearing this, Abby? She's one of them now, at her champagne brunch eating caviar off the sweaty, buckled backs of the working man.
Caviar is served on toast points.
No daughter of mine should know that! - Abby? - We, don't wanna judge, Dharma but it does seem you're kind of drifting away from your values.
Mean, can't count how many times 've stood naked under the fu moon with the other mothers and daughters making up excuses for why you're not there.
We, 've been busy.
Oh, you've been busy? Oh, really? Doing what? Greg's teaching me gof.
Let's go home, Abby.
Have to ie down.
We' go to the Art Garfunke concert, honey.
There' be penty of room to lie down there.
I carry my own clubs.
Dharma.
Oh, there you are.
Listen, I was just talking to Posie Carpenter.
Is she the one with that big hat and the dog in her purse? - Big teeth and dog in her purse.
- Okay.
Anyway, she thinks you are just a hoot and a half and she wants you to join the Young Wives Committee.
Why, are they a hoot and a half short? Sn't this wonderfu news? That means you're part of the inner circle.
Yeah, I guess.
Dharma, is something wrong? Kitty, have I changed? My dear, in every way.
You are no longer crude and unsophisticated.
You are finally becoming an elegant and refined young lady.
- 'M sti a itte crude.
- Nope, not at all.
Oh, yeah? Bite me.
There's that rasca Posie Carpenter loves.
Now, hurry along, dear.
Some of the poor little yachters are going to sing us a sea chantey.
I have not changed.
Just because 'm at a country cub wearing a suit that cost more than my first car Oh, God.
God's a itte busy, can hep? - George? - Oh, good, you remember me.
Of course I remember - George, you're dead.
- Yep.
Your grandma says hi.
My grandmother's not dead.
Oh, well, then some old woman says hi.
This is incredible.
I mean, I always believed there was life after death, but - George, you have a reflection.
- 'M not a vampire.
- George, why are you here? - I came to send you on a vision quest.
'M going on a vision quest? Yes, you must go to the big trees and save the young one.
- What big trees? What young one? - That's up to you.
Must go now.
Wait, wait, wait.
George.
- Have I changed? - Don't know.
But you might've mentioned that you moved.
I scared the hell out of some skinny guy in the shower.
Good luck.
Dharma? Dharma, are you all right? Everybody's asking for you.
Oh, yeah.
No, sorry.
I was talking to a dead Indian.
We, that's a coorfu turn of phrase, dear.
But it's more poite to say you're powdering your nose.
Maybe it was just somebody who looked like George.
Honey, I have strayed from my true self, and a dead friend crossed over to send me on a vision quest to guide me back to the wellspring of my essence.
What part of that is so hard to understand? Everything after "honey.
" Okay, for argument's sake, et's say you had a powwow with a dead Indian.
Oh, "powwow" is offensive.
- How? - "How" is offensive.
Okay, what does it mean to go to the big trees and save the young one? Okay, "big trees" is the redwoods where I used to go camping when was a "young one," get it? Sure.
No.
Dharma, don't understand any of this.
I have to rediscover myself.
Since 've married you, I have become a different person.
How? I mean, in what way? I sleep indoors every night.
Have a earner's permit and some beaver-toothed woman with a Shih Tzu in her purse thinks 'm a hoot.
Learner's permit? You've been driving without a icense? Try getting a driver's icense with a hand-painted, watercolor birth certificate.
Dharma, we've both changed.
That's what a reationship's a about.
Oh, come on.
How have you changed? I live in a renovated battery factory.
I eat seaweed as a snack.
I have Birkenstocks.
Which you never wear.
Because you won't et me wear socks with them.
A said is that coudn't bring mysef to sleep with you if you did.
If you have to go on a vision quest can you at least wait till next week? ' Take Monday off.
We' make a ong weekend of it, maybe drive back through wine country? No, Greg, I have to go now.
And don't think I could do this with you.
- Why? - Because.
Because 'm part of the probem? Come, listen.
Come here.
'M not worried about us, okay? 'M worried about me.
The me that's not us.
Not that there's a me that doesn't want an us.
T's just that there'd be a better us if I knew who me was.
We, can't argue with that.
But at east don't go aone.
Take Jane.
You were you with Jane before you were me with Jane.
I mean, you were you with me Us.
Take Jane.
- Okay.
' ask her.
- And take the cell phone.
Thank you for understanding.
Jane has a license, right? Oh, no, she doesn't need a icense.
She's got some guy's poice badge.
Hey, I was just looking for you.
Do you wanna go on a vision quest? - Don't think so.
- Why not? Because I have to wake up early to get my butt buffed for the country club Shiny Hiney Contest.
Okay, fine.
I deserve that.
Are you gonna keep snarking, or do you wanna go to the redwoods? - Keep snarking.
- Fine.
You suck.
- You suck more.
- Your shoes are ugly.
- You gave them to me.
- Because they're ugy.
- 'M done.
- Me too.
- Can I drive? - Sure.
Do you need to pack? Give me a sec.
Ready.
You haven't been this much fun since you got hitched.
What'd you ca me? Sure is balmy.
Hey, do you think 've changed? About 80 cents.
But ' te you one thing, you sure have changed.
- What do you mean? - You're not as much fun anymore.
- I am too.
- Oh, yeah? ' Bet you can't go the next 20 miles topless.
- You're on.
- Oh, man, you're wearing a bra.
Hey, man, you can't worry her back.
- What do you know about it? - 'M iving it, pa.
You know Cheryl.
She's off finding hersef.
Pete, she went back to her husband.
She's just wrapping things up.
She' be back.
Believe me, Greg, another 10 years and you' be praying for a dead ndian to tell her to take a hike.
'M gonna try Dharma on the cell phone again.
Greg.
Instead of calling her, why don't you go get her? - George.
- Hello.
- What are you doing here? - Laundry.
When you're dead, you ony get the cothes you're buried in.
You're dead.
You're definitey dead.
I was there.
You You can't be here.
Calm down, Greg.
This is only a dream.
Of course it is, which is what Dharma had.
No, I visited Dharma when she was awake.
That's a itte out of your eague.
Listen, you have to go find her.
Is she all right? Far as I know, but you better get going.
Okay.
' eave right now.
Greg, wait.
You gotta wake up first.
How? I mean, in what way should I do that? Don't worry, ' wake you up.
Just go.
Looks like Lyle and Erik got sunburned.
Lyle and Erik? Yeah, that was Greg's idea, because they're a coupe of kiers.
- Pretty funny for Greg.
- No, Greg's a pretty funny guy.
Must be when you're aone.
- Never thought you'd get married.
- Me neither.
Thought 'd work at Thom McCann or maybe join the Navy.
- The Navy? - Yeah, well, I was 6.
I had a totally different idea of what a Navy SEAL was.
I wanted to be a washing machine.
- Really? - Or mashed potatoes.
Don't give up your dream.
No, it's a about who you know.
Why'd you change your name when you got married? Well, I never really cared that much about names and it was really important to Greg.
When I was little, Abby and Larry let me name myself.
- That's so coo.
- I know.
For the first year my name was: And then when I turned 2, changed it to "No!" Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you guys, but I was hiking and lost the trail.
- You know the way back to the road? - T's right up there.
Thank you.
But if you want to, you can stick around and have a marshmallow or something.
I am kind of hungry.
Thanks.
'M Dharma and this is Jane.
T's nice to meet you.
'm Juan.
- Wait a second.
How old are you, Juan? - Eighteen.
Are you sure the Indian said, "Young one"? - First vision, huh? - T wasn't a vision.
T was a dream.
I remember my first vision.
This guy was playing golf on the moon.
- That was real, Larry.
- I know.
It was so real.
You have a icense, don't you, Larry? Are you crazy? That magnetic strip is like LoJack.
They can track you anywhere.
You know, we could go back.
You could watch the dogs, while Abby helps me find the campground.
Abby can't find her way in the woods without a compass, a flashlight or a map.
You didn't bring a compass, a flashlight or a map? T's a right here.
Except the flashlight.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Where's young Juan? - Kept calling me Strawberry Spice so I kicked his tight little butt all the way back to the road.
How's the vision quest hanging? Don't know.
Jane, 'm feeing ike I maybe never even saw George at all like I imagined the whole thing.
No.
This isn't ike the Grateful Dead concert.
We ate your father's cream of mushroom soup and Thomas Edison let us pet his dragon? Come on.
Let's just go to bed.
We' ro out of here in the morning.
Okay.
Guess if you're sent here by a dead Indian no point in telling ghost stories, huh? What? What? What? What? What? There's a bear in the tent! T's just a cub.
T's just a cub.
It was dark, and he licked my face, and it scared the crap out of me.
That's exacty what happened with Juan.
Hey, little guy.
- Hi.
- He likes you.
Maybe he's hungry.
Here, give him this.
Oh, Jane, he's a wid anima.
He's not gonna eat refined Oh, he likes it.
Keep an eye on Lyle and Erik there.
He thinks you're his mother.
He does, doesn't he? Hey, this is the young one.
Wow, your young one has a hairy back too.
This is what I was sent here to learn, Jane.
I saved him, and he sees me as his mother.
Abby and Larry see me as their little flower child.
Kitty sees me as a big, blond lump of clay.
But that's just how they see me.
That's not who am.
You got all that from feeding a Hershey bar to Boo Boo? Just think about it, Jane.
'M not any of those things.
Or 'm a of them.
But can't have an identity crisis because I just am who I am which always changes, and therefore never changes.
When's the ast time you ate something? Oh, you're a sweet itte guy.
Look at that.
What happened to your real mommy? Get out of the way.
- Oh, that answers that question.
- Go! - Can't go anymore.
- Larry, you can't stop.
Birkenstocks.
Can't run.
You go.
' sow him down.
- How? - ' Try to be chewy.
Come on! What was that? Don't know.
T sounded ike a couple of Girl Scouts crying.
- Thank God we found you.
- What are you guys doing here? - Bear.
Bear.
- Know.
Sn't he cute? No, bigger bear.
Look, we gotta We gotta get out of here.
Let's go.
Well, what about him? There's your mommy.
There's your mommy.
Don't te her about the candy.
Kitty just thinks 'm, ike, this big, blond lump of clay.
- Larry, go.
- And the irony of it is that I thought you were part of the problem when you're the ony one who accepts me for who I am.
- Yeah, for who you are.
What's wrong? - Don't know.
We, there's a bear outside.
Don't think that's it.
Think it's the starter.
Somebody's gotta get out and give us a push.
- I vote for Greg.
- Me too.
Wait.
I have a better idea.
Dharma, what are you doing? Maybe if we get her mad, she' give us a push.
Thank you.
No, that was the "young one" not the "young Juan" although I probably shoud've saved him from Jane.
Oh, Greg, wake up!