Dilbert (1999) s02e09 Episode Script
The Off-Site Meeting
Dilbert.
So good to see you.
You simply must disturb us more often.
Actually, I'm trying to sleep, which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning.
Normal people? Oh, how dreadful.
Which brings me to my point.
Your wind chimes are making so much noise I can't go to sleep.
We got those on a trip to the Congo.
It was the Canary Islands, dear.
I didn't see any canaries, but they could have been hiding.
They'll do that.
It doesn't matter where you got them.
Can you please keep the noise down? Well, it's not us, dear, it's the wind.
You can't hold the wind, son.
I learned that in the Aussie outback.
Look, I'm begging you.
All day long, I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss, my yammering co-workers, the traffic, the phone ringing, and my computer beeping at me.
But knowing I can return to the quiet of my home- that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity.
It's my fortress of solitude.
I thought only Superman had a fortress of solitude.
Are you comparing yourself to Superman? Rather cheeky, I should think.
Please, the wind chimes? Would you take them down? Yes, yes, we'll take care of it.
We always comply with our neighbors.
Especially the ones who have super powers.
Did you see the look Thank you.
What is it now? Is the moonlight bouncing off our house and hurting you in some way? You're playing conga drums and singing at 3:15 in the morning.
Oh.
It seems the list of things you don't like is growing by the minute.
Please, could you keep the noise down for three more hours? That's all I ask.
Look, lovey, it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe.
I thought it would never come.
That means he's got to go.
Hey! Hey, get him away from my lawn! Stop it! Shoo! He is a nervous fellow.
Yes, he should try to get more sleep.
Oh, no! What does the Tree Lover Society expect from its lawsuit? Big companies have been hurting our trees for too long.
We want to show the world that trees have feelings too.
Are you a nut? If so, what kind are you? I am not a nut.
I am a man who loves trees.
I love them in every way a man can love wood.
Would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here? That's original.
There is nothing wrong with the classics.
What have you got? I interviewed an owl.
People, whoo-hoo, a little more attention up here, please? What matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees must be stopped.
Long live the trees! That's the man who's suing us- Elmer Oakley, the president of the Tree Lover Society.
Why is he mad at us? We don't harm any trees.
Actually, we do, thanks to Alice.
It wasn't my fault.
We'll be the judge of that.
It all started with benchmarking.
Benchmarking? Is that even a word? Benchmarking is when you study world-class companies to learn the processes that make them successful.
Then you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees.
So you try to blatantly copy another company's success, knowing fully that you can't do it as well? He's a tack, isn't he? In this case, I studied a company that makes paper.
I found out that they have great training programs, fully automated systems, and excellent management.
And they completely raped the forest, don't forget that.
Just laid waste to it.
So, naturally, we had to completely rape a forest too.
Apparently, this damn Tree Lover Society was somehow offended.
Only another 10 hours and I'll be home.
Dilbert.
Dilbert! Yes? That's better.
For a moment, it looked like you weren't suffering.
What shall we do about the Tree Lover Society? Why don't we have a meeting? I think this is A MEETING.
Loud Howard is on to something.
I'm not on anything! I'm always like this! I mean, your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the Tree Lover Society to work out a compromise.
He didn't say that.
It was implied! Quiet, I'm trying to think.
That won't work.
We'll use Dilbert's house.
Why my house? Because it's the nearest one to my house without actually being my house.
We can trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home in 10 minutes.
Your logic escapes me.
Well, you'd better go catch it.
I don't see why I should suffer.
I had nothing to do with this Tree Lover situation.
Dilbert, do you realize that the letter "I" and the word "I" are one and the same? Yes.
Good.
I think I've made my point.
Now, who's handling the refreshments? Alice will.
Why? Because I'm the only woman in the group? Hard to refute the logic of that.
Let me try.
Apparently, I'll be in charge of the refreshments.
Alice, I want you to organize the icebreaker games.
I love Chutes and Ladders! I think I'd prefer Russian roulette.
American games only.
You'd better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting.
That's all this house needs.
My program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends in these situations.
Your co-workers are going to see you in your natural habitat.
So? They'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions that will influence your career for years to come.
What do I care what others might think? I'm not like what? You have no athletic trophies on display- says you're a loser.
If I had trophies on display, wouldn't it say I was a braggart? Yes, but if anyone asked you about the trophies, you could say you were lucky.
Then I would be a lying braggart.
And that's still better than being a loser.
I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store.
No bowling trophies.
Oh, perish the thought.
And the magazines- you'll have to replace them.
What's wrong with my reading material? Needlepoint is not the exclusive domain of women, you know.
It happens to be both challenging and creative.
I'm not going to comment.
I'll just look at you until you agree with me.
That won't work, because I'm right and I know I'm right.
You might not think I'm right, and no one else might think I'm right, but I'm right.
Okay, you made your point.
I'll stop at the newsstand.
Is that all? You'll have to stage the refrigerator.
Lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli.
It shows you have self-control.
But I Oh, all right.
I'll go get some fake food.
Change the station on your stereo and TV to something educational.
And take the hair out of your soap in the shower.
That hair is clean! At least give it a trim.
Just a little off the top.
Why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet elephant? Your elephant is ruining my backyard.
Are you sure that's our elephant? How many people on this street have an elephant? If you don't have that information, how can you be certain it's ours? You're rather jumping to conclusions, my good man.
Just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there.
Oh, very well.
Our ELEPHANT IS IN OUR backyard.
You must be mistaken.
He just ran back there when you put the phone down.
Look at the path of destruction between your house and my backyard.
Do you see a path of destruction? I can't say that I do, dear.
No, nothing like that over here.
You are disturbing the sanctity of my home.
All I ask is to be left alone at home.
A man's home is his castle.
Oh, we're a king now, are we? Very good.
I guess he grew weary of being the man of steel.
That's it.
I'm getting Dogbert.
Ooh! He's getting Dogbert.
I'm so AFRAID.
Dogbert! How may I be of service? You can tell me where Dogbert is.
He left early this morning.
Something about installing a puppet government.
He's always installing a puppet government when I need him! What the What is all this? We call it "construction".
I know what it is.
I don't think you do.
Why are you on my lawn? We're building a pen for you neighbor's pet elephant.
I'm all for that, but why are you on my lawn? It's okay.
The Pierponts gave us permission.
They can't give you permission to wreck my lawn.
They only gave us permission to use YOUR LAWN.
The wrecking part was all us.
This is outrageous.
I want all this stuff off my lawn by 2:00.
My co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting.
This will be very embarrassing.
More embarrassing than your needlepoint magazines? How do you know about them? You look like a man with eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good way.
That's it.
I'm an easygoing guy, but I've been pushed to the breaking point! And when I reach that point, look out! Hey! Hey! Whoa! You might want to put some cones around this open trench.
Dilbert, old chap, can't talk now.
We're off for a two-week vacation.
We didn't want to be here when all the construction was going on.
It can be so disruptive.
Could you tell the workers to get off my lawn, please? Yes.
We'll call them from the car using our cell phone.
But if, for some reason, you don't call them from the car, then there's nothing I can do about it.
Very good.
Chop, chop.
Elmer! Elmer Oakley, president of the Tree Lover Society? I didn't know how old she was.
She lied about her number of rings.
I say, "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.
" So let's change shoes.
I think I'll get the best of that exchange.
I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting.
Do you know what an off-site meeting is, Elmer? Wait.
Don't tell me.
Is it, like, a meeting that's not on-site? Oh! You've got a lot on the ball, son.
What do you say we go to that meeting, you and me- you in my shoes, me in yours- and see if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit, huh? Although, off the record, if I was you, I'd sue for 10 times as much.
Ah! Beautiful home.
If I can just get through the off-site meeting, I will have my little sanctuary back.
Dogbert, where are you? I need a little help here! He's not here.
He said something about looting national treasures.
When's he getting back? I don't have the answer to that question, so instead, I offer you this dance.
music Yeh-teh-toh, ra-ta-ta music My co-workers will be here any minute, I have an elephant on my roof, my lawn has been trashed, and now I have a dancing rat! I don't see how this could be worse.
You'll like Dilbert's house.
There's almost no wood in it.
I hope that's sap.
What's wrong with you? Why are you driving this way? This is the way I drive.
It is most annoying.
Everyone has their own driving style.
This is mine.
You're doing this so we'll never ask you to drive again.
It's all perfectly legal.
Here it is Dilbert's house.
It has more wood than I remember.
Well, well.
Let's see what Dilbert reads at home.
Ah! What's this? Dilbert doesn't have good taste.
Let's see what station Dilbert was watching last.
And now another masterpiece involving British people with no emotional depth.
Educational television? Dilbert watches educational television? I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished sportsman.
He never speaks of it.
Oh, those? I just got lucky.
It's broccoli! Nothing but broccoli! Broccoli? Something is very wrong here.
Wally, check his soap.
I'm on it.
It's been trimmed.
Possibly blow-dried.
I knew it.
This place has been staged.
Staged.
We've been had.
Uh were we going to have a meeting? Right.
The meeting.
Let's start with the refreshments.
Wally, what did you bring? I did a survey and found that everyone wanted hot dogs.
I'm a vegetarian.
It's too late to cast your vote.
Hot dogs it is.
Where are they? Well, the survey was phase one.
I'm hoping to get to phase two some time in the next quarter.
Ooh! We can go directly to the icebreaker phase.
Everyone, grab a paint gun.
We're playing street rules! Are your meetings always like this? Not always.
One time, we had HOT DOGS.
Ow! That paint washes off, right? There's your consensus, you tree-loving freak! Whoo-hoo! Nice going, Dilbert.
This is the last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your house.
I'll sue your tree-killing company into sawdust! But not before I win this ice-breaker game.
Hey, this should work.
No! Not the elephant! My house.
You destroyed my fortress of solitude.
As it turns out, it wasn't much of a fortress.
I don't know about anyone else, but that really worked up my appetite.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I have destroyed your hovel and I shall destroy your company- in court.
Dogbert has returned.
It just turned into a bad day to be you.
I'm not afraid of some little dog.
Never mind.
Explanation? and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed.
And you want me to fix everything.
I believe that is outside of even your powers, Mr.
Dogbert.
I'm sorry.
It seems you have four problems here.
One, dead elephant, two, Wally forgot the food, three, Wood-For-Brains here is suing your company, and four, the house has been destroyed.
He's good.
We can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the elephant over the lumber.
That sounds tasty.
Oh, yeah.
As for the woodaphile here, you do know you've slain an endangered species.
That's right, he has, and we all saw it.
Uh, never mind about the lawsuit.
Forgive and forget, that's my motto.
That's three problems out of four! Cell phone.
Hello.
Is this the construction firm that did the Pierpont job this morning? This is Mr.
.
Pierpont.
I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot.
Throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks.
I lost a lot of computer equipment.
I'll get the insurance adjuster here in the morning.
It was time to upgrade anyway.
Start tomorrow afternoon.
You have two weeks until I return from vacation.
I shall now start the paperwork to make you a god.
I call leg.
This might be some of your best work.
You're lucky these houses all look alike.
We found this in the wreckage.
Do you want it? Yes.
Thank you.
Freak.
I wonder what the Pierponts will think when they get back? I took care of that too.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to make a public service announcement.
Be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long vacations.
Oh, lovey, did you unplug your curler? I'm not sure.
Because if you don't, your house might disappear along with your pet elephant.
And announcement number two, does anyone know how to land this thing?
So good to see you.
You simply must disturb us more often.
Actually, I'm trying to sleep, which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning.
Normal people? Oh, how dreadful.
Which brings me to my point.
Your wind chimes are making so much noise I can't go to sleep.
We got those on a trip to the Congo.
It was the Canary Islands, dear.
I didn't see any canaries, but they could have been hiding.
They'll do that.
It doesn't matter where you got them.
Can you please keep the noise down? Well, it's not us, dear, it's the wind.
You can't hold the wind, son.
I learned that in the Aussie outback.
Look, I'm begging you.
All day long, I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss, my yammering co-workers, the traffic, the phone ringing, and my computer beeping at me.
But knowing I can return to the quiet of my home- that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity.
It's my fortress of solitude.
I thought only Superman had a fortress of solitude.
Are you comparing yourself to Superman? Rather cheeky, I should think.
Please, the wind chimes? Would you take them down? Yes, yes, we'll take care of it.
We always comply with our neighbors.
Especially the ones who have super powers.
Did you see the look Thank you.
What is it now? Is the moonlight bouncing off our house and hurting you in some way? You're playing conga drums and singing at 3:15 in the morning.
Oh.
It seems the list of things you don't like is growing by the minute.
Please, could you keep the noise down for three more hours? That's all I ask.
Look, lovey, it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe.
I thought it would never come.
That means he's got to go.
Hey! Hey, get him away from my lawn! Stop it! Shoo! He is a nervous fellow.
Yes, he should try to get more sleep.
Oh, no! What does the Tree Lover Society expect from its lawsuit? Big companies have been hurting our trees for too long.
We want to show the world that trees have feelings too.
Are you a nut? If so, what kind are you? I am not a nut.
I am a man who loves trees.
I love them in every way a man can love wood.
Would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here? That's original.
There is nothing wrong with the classics.
What have you got? I interviewed an owl.
People, whoo-hoo, a little more attention up here, please? What matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees must be stopped.
Long live the trees! That's the man who's suing us- Elmer Oakley, the president of the Tree Lover Society.
Why is he mad at us? We don't harm any trees.
Actually, we do, thanks to Alice.
It wasn't my fault.
We'll be the judge of that.
It all started with benchmarking.
Benchmarking? Is that even a word? Benchmarking is when you study world-class companies to learn the processes that make them successful.
Then you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees.
So you try to blatantly copy another company's success, knowing fully that you can't do it as well? He's a tack, isn't he? In this case, I studied a company that makes paper.
I found out that they have great training programs, fully automated systems, and excellent management.
And they completely raped the forest, don't forget that.
Just laid waste to it.
So, naturally, we had to completely rape a forest too.
Apparently, this damn Tree Lover Society was somehow offended.
Only another 10 hours and I'll be home.
Dilbert.
Dilbert! Yes? That's better.
For a moment, it looked like you weren't suffering.
What shall we do about the Tree Lover Society? Why don't we have a meeting? I think this is A MEETING.
Loud Howard is on to something.
I'm not on anything! I'm always like this! I mean, your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the Tree Lover Society to work out a compromise.
He didn't say that.
It was implied! Quiet, I'm trying to think.
That won't work.
We'll use Dilbert's house.
Why my house? Because it's the nearest one to my house without actually being my house.
We can trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home in 10 minutes.
Your logic escapes me.
Well, you'd better go catch it.
I don't see why I should suffer.
I had nothing to do with this Tree Lover situation.
Dilbert, do you realize that the letter "I" and the word "I" are one and the same? Yes.
Good.
I think I've made my point.
Now, who's handling the refreshments? Alice will.
Why? Because I'm the only woman in the group? Hard to refute the logic of that.
Let me try.
Apparently, I'll be in charge of the refreshments.
Alice, I want you to organize the icebreaker games.
I love Chutes and Ladders! I think I'd prefer Russian roulette.
American games only.
You'd better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting.
That's all this house needs.
My program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends in these situations.
Your co-workers are going to see you in your natural habitat.
So? They'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions that will influence your career for years to come.
What do I care what others might think? I'm not like what? You have no athletic trophies on display- says you're a loser.
If I had trophies on display, wouldn't it say I was a braggart? Yes, but if anyone asked you about the trophies, you could say you were lucky.
Then I would be a lying braggart.
And that's still better than being a loser.
I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store.
No bowling trophies.
Oh, perish the thought.
And the magazines- you'll have to replace them.
What's wrong with my reading material? Needlepoint is not the exclusive domain of women, you know.
It happens to be both challenging and creative.
I'm not going to comment.
I'll just look at you until you agree with me.
That won't work, because I'm right and I know I'm right.
You might not think I'm right, and no one else might think I'm right, but I'm right.
Okay, you made your point.
I'll stop at the newsstand.
Is that all? You'll have to stage the refrigerator.
Lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli.
It shows you have self-control.
But I Oh, all right.
I'll go get some fake food.
Change the station on your stereo and TV to something educational.
And take the hair out of your soap in the shower.
That hair is clean! At least give it a trim.
Just a little off the top.
Why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet elephant? Your elephant is ruining my backyard.
Are you sure that's our elephant? How many people on this street have an elephant? If you don't have that information, how can you be certain it's ours? You're rather jumping to conclusions, my good man.
Just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there.
Oh, very well.
Our ELEPHANT IS IN OUR backyard.
You must be mistaken.
He just ran back there when you put the phone down.
Look at the path of destruction between your house and my backyard.
Do you see a path of destruction? I can't say that I do, dear.
No, nothing like that over here.
You are disturbing the sanctity of my home.
All I ask is to be left alone at home.
A man's home is his castle.
Oh, we're a king now, are we? Very good.
I guess he grew weary of being the man of steel.
That's it.
I'm getting Dogbert.
Ooh! He's getting Dogbert.
I'm so AFRAID.
Dogbert! How may I be of service? You can tell me where Dogbert is.
He left early this morning.
Something about installing a puppet government.
He's always installing a puppet government when I need him! What the What is all this? We call it "construction".
I know what it is.
I don't think you do.
Why are you on my lawn? We're building a pen for you neighbor's pet elephant.
I'm all for that, but why are you on my lawn? It's okay.
The Pierponts gave us permission.
They can't give you permission to wreck my lawn.
They only gave us permission to use YOUR LAWN.
The wrecking part was all us.
This is outrageous.
I want all this stuff off my lawn by 2:00.
My co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting.
This will be very embarrassing.
More embarrassing than your needlepoint magazines? How do you know about them? You look like a man with eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good way.
That's it.
I'm an easygoing guy, but I've been pushed to the breaking point! And when I reach that point, look out! Hey! Hey! Whoa! You might want to put some cones around this open trench.
Dilbert, old chap, can't talk now.
We're off for a two-week vacation.
We didn't want to be here when all the construction was going on.
It can be so disruptive.
Could you tell the workers to get off my lawn, please? Yes.
We'll call them from the car using our cell phone.
But if, for some reason, you don't call them from the car, then there's nothing I can do about it.
Very good.
Chop, chop.
Elmer! Elmer Oakley, president of the Tree Lover Society? I didn't know how old she was.
She lied about her number of rings.
I say, "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.
" So let's change shoes.
I think I'll get the best of that exchange.
I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting.
Do you know what an off-site meeting is, Elmer? Wait.
Don't tell me.
Is it, like, a meeting that's not on-site? Oh! You've got a lot on the ball, son.
What do you say we go to that meeting, you and me- you in my shoes, me in yours- and see if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit, huh? Although, off the record, if I was you, I'd sue for 10 times as much.
Ah! Beautiful home.
If I can just get through the off-site meeting, I will have my little sanctuary back.
Dogbert, where are you? I need a little help here! He's not here.
He said something about looting national treasures.
When's he getting back? I don't have the answer to that question, so instead, I offer you this dance.
music Yeh-teh-toh, ra-ta-ta music My co-workers will be here any minute, I have an elephant on my roof, my lawn has been trashed, and now I have a dancing rat! I don't see how this could be worse.
You'll like Dilbert's house.
There's almost no wood in it.
I hope that's sap.
What's wrong with you? Why are you driving this way? This is the way I drive.
It is most annoying.
Everyone has their own driving style.
This is mine.
You're doing this so we'll never ask you to drive again.
It's all perfectly legal.
Here it is Dilbert's house.
It has more wood than I remember.
Well, well.
Let's see what Dilbert reads at home.
Ah! What's this? Dilbert doesn't have good taste.
Let's see what station Dilbert was watching last.
And now another masterpiece involving British people with no emotional depth.
Educational television? Dilbert watches educational television? I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished sportsman.
He never speaks of it.
Oh, those? I just got lucky.
It's broccoli! Nothing but broccoli! Broccoli? Something is very wrong here.
Wally, check his soap.
I'm on it.
It's been trimmed.
Possibly blow-dried.
I knew it.
This place has been staged.
Staged.
We've been had.
Uh were we going to have a meeting? Right.
The meeting.
Let's start with the refreshments.
Wally, what did you bring? I did a survey and found that everyone wanted hot dogs.
I'm a vegetarian.
It's too late to cast your vote.
Hot dogs it is.
Where are they? Well, the survey was phase one.
I'm hoping to get to phase two some time in the next quarter.
Ooh! We can go directly to the icebreaker phase.
Everyone, grab a paint gun.
We're playing street rules! Are your meetings always like this? Not always.
One time, we had HOT DOGS.
Ow! That paint washes off, right? There's your consensus, you tree-loving freak! Whoo-hoo! Nice going, Dilbert.
This is the last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your house.
I'll sue your tree-killing company into sawdust! But not before I win this ice-breaker game.
Hey, this should work.
No! Not the elephant! My house.
You destroyed my fortress of solitude.
As it turns out, it wasn't much of a fortress.
I don't know about anyone else, but that really worked up my appetite.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I have destroyed your hovel and I shall destroy your company- in court.
Dogbert has returned.
It just turned into a bad day to be you.
I'm not afraid of some little dog.
Never mind.
Explanation? and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed.
And you want me to fix everything.
I believe that is outside of even your powers, Mr.
Dogbert.
I'm sorry.
It seems you have four problems here.
One, dead elephant, two, Wally forgot the food, three, Wood-For-Brains here is suing your company, and four, the house has been destroyed.
He's good.
We can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the elephant over the lumber.
That sounds tasty.
Oh, yeah.
As for the woodaphile here, you do know you've slain an endangered species.
That's right, he has, and we all saw it.
Uh, never mind about the lawsuit.
Forgive and forget, that's my motto.
That's three problems out of four! Cell phone.
Hello.
Is this the construction firm that did the Pierpont job this morning? This is Mr.
.
Pierpont.
I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot.
Throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks.
I lost a lot of computer equipment.
I'll get the insurance adjuster here in the morning.
It was time to upgrade anyway.
Start tomorrow afternoon.
You have two weeks until I return from vacation.
I shall now start the paperwork to make you a god.
I call leg.
This might be some of your best work.
You're lucky these houses all look alike.
We found this in the wreckage.
Do you want it? Yes.
Thank you.
Freak.
I wonder what the Pierponts will think when they get back? I took care of that too.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to make a public service announcement.
Be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long vacations.
Oh, lovey, did you unplug your curler? I'm not sure.
Because if you don't, your house might disappear along with your pet elephant.
And announcement number two, does anyone know how to land this thing?