Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s02e09 Episode Script

it's my job to distinguish myself from the herd, to establish my own identity and break out from the pack-- Which is hard for most people to do.
Hey! Have you ever been there? It doesn't matter.
Anyway, so I show up with a ton of licorice.
Have you ever seen "Becker"? I don't have time for any of your crazy stories.
Mr.
Harkin made me number two on a big presentation, and I have a ton of work to do.
I hadn't seen "Becker" Either, which is what I was telling This korean D.
J.
-- and I mean korean korean.
And-- Hi.
Hi.
Who's slamming doors? Someone slamming a door in there? Because I don't know if it's the acoustics or what, but when you slam the door, it's actually like a straight shot into my eardrum.
Okay? It's right here.
The door slams right here.
So okay, thank you.
I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba June? It's me.
Mr.
Harkin? No, you don't need to see me.
You just need to hear me.
Where are we with the YOSHIDA industries presentation? I am in the middle of assembling a long-Term, low-Risk-- So it turns out this korean D.
J.
Doesn't even have a work visa, and the cops show up.
Luckily, it's friendly Officer Billy-- not to be confused with Drag Queen Billie club.
What are you doing here? June, who is that? I am so sorry, sir.
Um, that-- That's my friend Minerva.
I will be in your office in just a minute with Some preliminary numbers.
Minerva? What are you doing here?! I'm finishing my story.
Hey, are these calcium chews for anybody? Chloe, this is my workplace.
You cannot come by here.
Don't be ridiculous.
I came by all the time when you worked at the coffee shop.
This is not the coffee shop.
Oh, really? Then what's he doing here? Oh.
June hooked it up.
Yeah, I come by twice a week.
It generates income for beans, improves employee productivity, and it's a great way to network.
I printed my resume on the cup sleeves.
See? Is this readable at all? I shoulda looked at a Mock-up, But just so excited to get my life started.
June, what is going on? The Yoshida meeting is Monday.
They're expecting me to dazzle them.
I'm expecting you to provide the information necessary to do said Dazzling.
Don't drop the ball on this.
Absolutely not, sir.
I will be in your office in just a minute.
Ooh! Workplace stuff.
Fun.
Hey, remember how in bedrock at the end of the day, They would pull a chicken, and it would scream to let everyone know it was quittin' time? What's your version of that? What do you pull? What's your chicken? Get out.
Ew.
You're mean at this place.
Text me if there's a lunch spread.
Ahh.
I have too much money.
My wallet's so thick it's hurting my back.
It's the most important woman in the world! Da Da da-Da Da da the davises are here! Uh, Crissy and Robert, what are you guys doing here? You sent me, uh, an e-Mail a couple months back, and you just sent me a text two days ago to follow up.
But yay! You're here.
We're so excited.
We haven't been to new York SINCE our wedding.
Hey, I'm walkin' here! Robert, now stop it because we have a real actor in our midst.
Oh! James! nice to meet you, fan.
Thanks for coming.
James, you remember Crissy, my friend from indiana? We went to her wedding.
We did.
Uh, James is my freebie, and, um, we just-- We found some privacy, and you started-- You started kissing my neck.
No, no.
Honey, honey, that's not how it started.
You're telling it wrong.
Oh, sweetie, you tell it.
I am so sorry.
He tells it so much better anyway.
Okay, okay, So, um, Crissy was kissing on James' neck okay.
While James played with her breasts Yeah.
And fumbled with her corset.
Corset in the coatroom.
Of course! Yeah! It was a really fun wedding.
Oh! I have a big meeting on Monday, So I'll have to work all weekend.
But, uh, I have to eat, So, uh, let's just have a light Sunday brunch here.
Or I could take us all to the gramercy club.
And you get brunch, and you get brunch, and you get brunch, and you get brunch! Everybody Gets brunch! And This is where I do six hours of work behind the scenes to make what James says magically happen.
Fernando? Hey, girl.
Brunch! I need a favor.
So drag Queen Billie club is telling me about her new Sunday night dance party "Twerk Baton hot dog" At tushes, and Officer Billy wants to go, but he's po-Po! You can't have po-Po at "Twerk Baton Hot dog"! the most fun meal of all the meals, and you are completely ignoring your friends who came to visit you all the way from who cares.
You're right.
I guess can I take a break.
So, um, Crissy, Robert, what are you guys doing while you're in New York? "Good morning America"! ah.
I've done "g.
M.
A.
" What are you promoting? I'm kidding! I know you're just people! Oh! Yeah, we're gonna hold up signs outside the window and get on tv.
Uh-Oh.
Better make mine a virgin mimosa.
Oh! Spoiler alert! I am pregnant! That's wonderful! James is not the father! I know.
Robert's the father.
That's fantastic.
We conceived on the third night of our honeymoon.
Yeah.
The first two nights, my mom was still sharing our hotel room.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
Um, I haven't drank in a while.
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Ohh.
I feel a little light-headed.
But it's okay.
I'll just segue to tea and get those files over to harkin.
You landed Yoshida.
But--But the Yoshida meeting isn't until Monday.
Yeah, and today's tuesday.
I--wh-What happened to brunch? Get this crazy bitch some brunch! June, congrats on Yoshida! And I told my husband what you said on Monday, and he agreed.
Canceled the adoption.
Good! A lot happened on Monday, and today's--Today's tuesday.
June, your advice yesterday worked.
The swelling's completely gone! I got it.
Thanks so much, June.
Si, se puede, right? Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Hi.
What happened to me? Oh.
You were blacked out for two days.
Why?! the last thing I remember was being in the bathroom at brunch.
Yeah, so immediately before that, I "Black lightninged" you.
What? I put an herb that I got off the internet called black lightning into your mimosa.
You've been so Boring and self-obsessed lately.
I wanted to shake you up like a snow globe.
What did I do while I was blacked out? A lot of things.
Whee! Whee! Whee! Can you believe I did that to you? Pretty crazy of me, right? So I'm there, about to walk Yoshida through our conservative investment proposal, when you roll in, talking high-risk, high-reward and you dazzled them.
They wanted safe.
You called an audible.
And, lady, that's the kind of thing that gets you promoted from junior analyst to senior junior analyst! Huh?! Ha ha! Thank you! Ohh.
Just got off the phone with the adoption agency.
Baby's canceled! Good luck growing up in the Ukraine, baby.
You'll be cold, and I'll be drunk! Whoo! highway to the danger zone So loud! I'm just taking a mind ride, thinking about Crissy's baby.
I mean, how could she be so sure that it's not mine? Wait.
I'm confused.
Do you want the baby to be yours? I just think it's weird that with all the wild celebrity sex I've had, I've never had a pregnancy scare.
You haven't? Oh, honey.
Even I've had a pregnancy scare.
Yo, I just want you to know that I'm-a be here for you through this whole-- It's negative! Oh! That was close, girl! Crissy can't say anything in front of her husband, but she says that they conceived on their honeymoon.
We slept together on their wedding day.
That's pretty close.
Now that I think about it, if I had to pit your sperm against his sperm I'll get a D.
N.
A.
Test after the baby's born.
If it's mine, I'll just Sue for sole custody.
Don't touch that.
But in the meantime, what kind of lifestyle is Crissy leading? I mean, how much is she exercising? What is she eating? Well, she did eat all the good bread at brunch, I'll tell you that much.
Oh, you left us the one hard, multigrain roll with sunflower seeds in it? Thanks, tubs.
Hmm.
Nope, you're good.
Okay.
here is what I have pieced together from my blackout.
At 11:14 P.
M.
, I sent myself an e-mail saying, "Warn them.
" And you think I'm gay, which is insane to me.
Can you pass the glitter glue? You know whose fault this is? Mine.
I did this to you on purpose for no reason.
It's pretty terrible of me, right? I don't know.
I mean, it seems like everything turned out okay.
I mean, we had fun, and you agreed to hold up signs with us at "G.
M.
A.
" which is gonna be super great-- Although it is going to be difficult to top our seven hours of strip bowling.
"The booty"? who's the booty? Oh, it must be a booty call from Monday.
Oh, my God.
What did I do? did I hook up with Somebody? Who was that?! here.
I'll call them from my phone, and then I'll find out who was in your body.
Chloe, no.
I don't know if I wanna know who that was.
And then I'll put it on speaker.
Hello? Hi.
Who's this? Chloe? It's Mark.
Mark? What are you doing answering the Booty's phone? Is the booty there? Did June tell you? Yeah, I'm the booty, and she's cutie.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Hang up! Hang up! June? Is that you, cutie? Oh! Well, I'm torn because the poster's ruined, but there's a lot of glitter, which I enjoy.
I mean, even if their honeymoon was delayed, sperm can live for days in a warm, moist climate.
Uh, can we please talk about something else? No, they're stopping.
Why are they Oh, my God.
Stop the car.
Oh, hi! Hey, Luther, look! It's Crissy and Robert! James! Wow! June told us this cart has amazing falafels.
You mean amazing miscarriages.
James! What? You know, I read that good pregnants avoid fried foods.
Let's get you to the farmer's market, get you a nice whole roasted chicken.
Ooh! That's all my mom ate, and look at me.
I'm in a limo.
Come on, hop in.
Okay.
Oh, you're the-- What's going on? Your pig came.
We heard snorting, so we opened the box.
I can't believe I ever used to hate you, June.
Now you have a pig.
What the hell? Monday.
Is that his name? That's a cute name.
Monday the pig.
Great pig.
June, tell the guys from H.
R.
They haven't heard it.
Heard what? So filthy! I started to tell it, but it's not really a boss joke, if you know what I mean.
Go ahead.
this, um mexican Oh.
Ha! That walks into a penis No.
Yes.
Oh, I-I am not off.
I am on.
I am--I am super on.
Good.
Bring that energy to dinner with Yoshida tonight.
Dinner? They want you to walk them through your proposal step-by-step.
Right! My proposal! My Monday proposal.
Monday just doesn't end, does it? Just bring this thing home.
I trust you, senior junior analyst June Colburn.
I'm done holding him.
You have no idea what you pitched to these guys on Monday, but you can wing it.
You can channel Monday, June.
She is in there.
You can do this.
You can close this deal.
No, you can't.
That was my mirror voice, but I share the mirror's opinion.
You shouldn't have gone to work wasted.
Hey, I am under a lot of pressure.
I do not need judgment from you.
Hey! Don't you snap at Eli.
This is not his fault.
It's mine.
So you point that mad face this way.
It's mark again.
Hello? Hi, the booty.
Bet you wanna talk to cutie.
She's right here.
No, I don't-- Hi, mark.
I booked the hotel room.
Oh.
Okay.
That--that sounds like something that we discussed.
So meet there tonight? We'll have some fun, like you said Monday.
Okay.
Gotta go.
Bye! Oh, god.
I gotta deal with that.
But first, I gotta deal with the Yoshida account.
It's gonna go Yoshida, mark, the pig, the grass stains on my clothes.
I'm the one that ordered you that pig! I meant for it to be a panda! I checked the wrong box.
Your baby is now about the size of a kidney bean and is constantly moving.
Well, we're gonna get going.
But you're only halfway through "Healthy Mommy, healthy baby.
" What's going on with you, James? Why do you seem so upset? All right.
Just hear me out.
This is difficult.
I know you said there isn't, but there's a slight chance that that baby could be mine.
No.
No, there's no chance the baby could be yours, James.
But even if there was, what's your plan here? Okay, this is this is the really difficult part.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I I don't think you will be a good mother.
What? I'm just saying, I-I don't think you'll be a good mother.
I-I don't think you'll be a good mother.
No other words are revealing themselves to me to convey this to you.
I think this is when we leave.
I cannot believe I wasted my freebie on you, James.
Come on.
W-- I mean, Crissy, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
I don't think you'll be a good mother.
so exciting.
It's just like you said on Monday.
Your potential for bankruptcy is also very high.
You could lose everything.
High-Risk, high-Reward.
You believe in this strategy, right? You think this is the way to go? Arigato! Hey! Hi.
What are we drinkin'? what are you doing here? I was just out.
I missed you.
What? You're looking at me weird.
June, can I speak with you? And why is it taking you so long to close this thing? Where's that Monday dazzle? The dazzle is still here, sir.
It's just-- It's more it's nuanced.
I don't want nuanced dazzle.
I want razzle-dazzle! Well, then get out of here.
Let me work my magic.
Your boss energy is putting a damper on the dazzle.
You are freaking everybody out.
There's that Monday dazzle.
Close this deal.
Bring home the head of the Bull.
Sever the neck of the serpent with the sword of damocles! Now get out of here, old man lingo.
She kidnapped them! I'm not angry.
I just want my clients back.
Harkin thinks this is still all part of my master dazzle plan, and--Oh, god.
Where have you been?! where are my clients?! I took them to an after-Hours party.
Pretty terrible of me, right? I mean, what kind of person would do something like that? Well, w-W-Where are they now? I need to close this deal.
What do I have to do?! you know what? They're not gonna close this deal with you because they agreed to close this deal with Monday June.
And guess what? It's thursday.
I am Monday June.
No.
I-I am always Monday June.
The dazzle is inside of me.
I know that you think that I'm safe and that I'm boring and that's why you drugged me.
But you know what? I am not.
I am high-Risk, and I am high-Reward! What, booty?! Yeah, so I've been waiting here all night.
Uh, you're clearly not coming, so I'm gonna go.
Oh, so you, too, huh? You all want me to be fun and crazy.
You all want me to be Monday June.
Well, guess what? Here she comes.
Get naked and Wait.
Uh I just have one stop I'll be making first.
Just take a look at those snowfall totals.
Now, you know, it's chilly outside, so coming up next, how about some recipes to put the chili inside? Of your bodies, we mean.
We're makin' chili.
Sam! June! Oh, my gosh.
You came.
Of course I came.
I said I'd come to "G.
M.
A.
" with you, didn't I? You seem rather agitated.
I am not.
I am fun.
I am Monday June fun! Delicious.
And the great part about this is it works with Turkey, beans, or even vegetarian.
La-La, la-La-La well apparently everyone in the world watches "g.
M.
A.
" I lost the Yoshida account.
Harkin is no longer promoting me to junior senior analyst.
He would've fired me, but I gave him the pig.
Wow.
Big day.
You won, Chloe.
You kept pushing me and pushing me to be more fun and spontaneous like you, and I cracked.
I cracked two Fried eggs on the "g.
M.
A.
" Window.
What? Two Fried eggs-- When you push your boobs up against the glass.
It's a pressed ham when you do your Butt.
Ham, Butt.
Eggs, boobs.
You think I've been trying to get you to be like me? I didn't black lightning you or order you a pig, blow up your dinner, and kidnap your clients to get you to do Fried Eggs.
Then why did you do it? Since you got that new job, you're never around.
That's what this is? You missed me? No, I don't miss you.
I miss you reacting to me.
I mean, if I can't come home from a crazy night and shock you with my stories, what am I even doing it for? If a crazy, drunk tree barfs in the forest-- If Sean young barfs in the forest, and there's no one there to see it, did it even happen? Oh, my God.
You almost cost me my job because you missed me.
See? Was that so difficult? By the way, your left egg is smaller.
I freeze-Framed it.
I'm gonna put it on a t-Shirt.
You told me to get naked and wait.
I have to be honest with you.
Um I don't really remember Monday.
You're in my phone as "The booty," so clearly we no! No! We were joking that we were gonna write a detective show called "Cutie and the booty.
" I-I put you in my phone as "Cutie," and you put me in yours as "The booty.
" Oh! Okay! Oh! Uh, w-Wait.
Why did I want a hotel room? Yeah, that was unclear.
Uh, you said we'd have a good time.
What did I mean by "have a good time"? I don't know! Ha ha! I do not know! I-I figured we were either gonna order a bunch of room service and empty the mini-bar, or it's a mystery.
It's a mystery! It's--It's a case for cutie and the booty! Oh! Whoo! For the record, I like regular June better.
Um, Monday was confusing.
For me, too! I don't know why, but my legs are so sore.
She can go lower than I ever really thought she could face down ass up the top of yo' booty jigglin' out yo' jeans baby, pull your pants up I like it when I see you do it I will show you a real New York weekend.
Oh, it took us a year to save up for this trip, but thank you.
Yeah.
I I'm a jerk.
No argument here.
Robert, that's sweet of you to say, but it's True.
We did some further research.
There's no way the Baby could be mine.
Our original understanding of sperm was erroneous.
All that aside, Crissy, I'm sorry I said you'd be a bad mother.
It's not True.
And I would like to try to make it up to you by offering to pay for the baby's college education.
The whole thing-- Phd, grad school, wherever he wants to go.
Wow! No way.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my god! How do people afford that? I'm rich, but I'm not crazy.
Uh, how about a microwave? Luther, send them a microwave.