Doug (1991) s02e09 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, IT WAS THE DAY
BEFORE THE BUMPKIN DAY HOEDOWN
THE ONE DANCE WHEN THE GIRLS
ASK OUT THE BOYS.
GUESS WHO I WAS HOPING
WOULD ASK ME.
HER INITIALS
ARE PATTI MAYONNAISE.
WHAT YOU
DOING, DOUG?
SKEETER, I'M MAKING SURE
YOU KNOW WHOGETS A CHANCE
TO ASK ME TO THE HOEDOWN.
IF SHE WANTS TO.
OF COURSE PATTI
WILL ASK YOU, DOUG
UNLESS SHE DOESN'T.
HERE SHE COMES.
Skeeter:
GOOD LUCK, MAN.
DOUG?
TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.
I HAVE SELECTED YOU
TO GO WITH ME TO THE HOEDOWN.
HUH?
Connie:
CHALKIE
AND SCUFFIE
WANT ME
TO ASK THEM
BUT YOU'RE MY
FIRST CHOICE.
UM, WELL, CONNIE, I
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
UH, I CAN'T GO
WITH YOU, CONNIE
BECAUSE, UM,
I HAVE TO
TAKE CARE OF MY
SICK, UM COUSIN.
HIS NAME
IS MELVIN
HE'S SICK,
VERY SICK.
GEE, I'M SORRY
YOUR COUSIN IS SO SICK.
ANYTHING I CAN DO?
YEAH,
WELL NO!
BUT THANKS
FOR ASKING.
BYE.
WOULD YOU GO TO
THE HOEDOWN WITH ME?
HE CAN'T GO.
HE HAS TO
TAKE CARE
OF HIS SICK
COUSIN MELVIN.
I'M SORRY, DOUG,
BUT THAT'S NICE OF YOU
TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR COUSIN.
GEE, THANKS, PATTI.
I BETTER SEE IF ANYBODY
IS LEFT TO GO WITH.
OH, I'M SURE THERE ARE TONS
OF GUYS DYING TO GO WITH YOU.
[ square dance music playing]
GEE, I'M SO GLAD
ALL YOU GUYS
COULD COME WITH ME.
TOO BAD DOUG
HAD TO STAY
WITH HIS SICK
COUSIN MELVIN.
COUSIN MELVIN, HA!
I RESEARCHED
FUNNIE'S FAMILY TREE
AND THERE AIN'
NO COUSIN MELVIN.
YOU MEAN
DOUG IS A BIG FAT LIAR?
THERE'S NO COUSIN MELVIN?
NO COUSIN MELVIN?!
NO COUSIN MELVIN?!
COUSIN MELVIN?
WHERE DID YOU
EVER COME UP
WITH THAT STORY?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST POPPED
INTO MY HEAD.
I PANICKED.
I CAN'T GO
TO THE HOEDOWN
AND EVERYBODY
WILL FIND OU
THERE'S NO
COUSIN MELVIN.
[ doorbell rings]
HEY, RELAX, MAN.
HOW WILL THEY FIND OUT?
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, DOUG.HEY, DOUG.
WE CAME TO
VISIT MELVIN.
HUH?
HUH?
IT'S CONNIE AND PATTI!
WHAT DO I DO?
SHOW THEM MELVIN?
SKEETER, THERE
IS NO MELVIN.
OH, RIGHT, I KNEW THAT.
HELLO.
DOUG?
Patti:
DOUG, ARE YOU THERE?
SKEETER
WE NEED
A MELVIN, FAST!
Doug:
BE RIGHT THERE.
[ whimpering]
HIDE YOUR
TAIL, PORKCHOP.
THIS WILL NEVER
WORK, SKEET.
YEAH, HIS
NOSE IS COLD.
THEY'LL KNOW
HE'S NOT SICK.
DOUG!
YOO-HOO!
DOUG!
WE CAN'T KEEP
THEM OUT THERE.
WHAT WILL WE DO?
DO I SMELL THE ROLE
OF A LIFETIME?
HUH?
I OVERHEARD
YOUR PROBLEM, DOUGLAS.
RELAX, MELVIN IS HERE.
YOU DON'T MEAN YOU?
AND WHY NOT?
I SHALL PLAY MELVIN.
WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, JUDY
BUT WE'VE
GIVEN THE PART TO
UH, PORKCHOP?
DIM THE LIGHTS.
RAISE THE CURTAIN!
IT'S SHOW TIME!
Mrs. Funnie:
DOUGLAS!
OH, NO, MOM IS HOME!
OH, NO!
DOUGLAS, DID
YOU FORGE
YOUR FRIENDS
WERE WAITING?
UH, SORRY, I WAS, UH
[ heart pounding]
WHAT COULD I DO?
I HAD TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
UM, PATTI, CONNIE, THERE'S
SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
WE KNOW, MELVIN IS SICK.
WE WON'T STAY LONG.
BUT I WAS TOO LATE!
[ coughing]
OH, THANK YOU,
GIRLS.
HOW NICE OF
YOU TO COME.
I'VE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
HOW DO I FEEL?
I FEEL A MOAN COMING ON.
[ moaning histrionically]
THAT'S A BIG MOAN, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE MOANIEST MOAN
I EVER HEARD.
YOU SHOULDN'
TEASE MELVIN.
YEAH, HE'S SICK.
[ moaning]
IT SOUNDS BAD
BUT I'M GETTING BETTER.
YEAH, YOUR MOANING HAS STOPPED.
WHY, SO IT HAS.
MY STRENGTH IS
RETURNING, TOO.
I FEEL
I FEEL LIKE SINGING.
[ gasping]
DANCING.
WOO, WOO, WOO!
THEN MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO COME
TO THE BUMPKIN DAY
HOEDOWN TOMORROW.
I DON'T THINK
MELVIN IS ALL
THAT WELL.
OH, BUT I AM.
I'M WELL!
IF YOU GO
WITH PATTI
THEN DOUG CAN
GO WITH ME.
THAT'S GREAT!
THE FOUR
OF US CAN GO.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
BYE.
THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE
FOR BEST PERFORMANCE
THE WINNER IS
JUDY FUNNIE AS MELVIN
IN DOUG'S A BIG FAT LIAR.
JUDY, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST SAVED YOUR NECK
BUT HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE.
TODAY WAS A MERE
DRESS REHEARSAL
TOMORROW IS
OPENING NIGHT!
YOU CAN'T TO THE HOEDOWN, JUDY!
GIVE IT UP, DOUG.
JUDY IS AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE.
WE'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH I
AND IT'LL ALL BE MY FAULT.
Man:
THE SUB-COMMITTEE
TO UNCOVER BIG FAT LIARS
IS NOW IN SESSION.
Mr. Bone:
MR. FUNNIE, TRUE OR FALSE.
YOU CLAIMED
TO HAVE A COUSIN MELVIN
AND MADE YOUR SISTER
PLAY THE PART.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.
HE'S LYING AGAIN!
NO, I'M NOT.
DON'T GIVE ME
THAT, FUNNIE.
IT'S WRITTEN
ALL OVER YOUR FACE.
LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THIS WHOLE THING
HAS GOTTEN WAY OUT OF CONTROL.
THE NEXT NIGHT, MELVIN AND I
WENT OFF TO THE HOEDOWN.
I JUST KNEW SOMEONE
WOULD FIND OUT HE WAS A SHE
BUT AN HOUR WENT BY
AND NO ONE SUSPECTED A THING.
I USED TO BE A ROADIE
FOR THE BEETS
UNTIL I GOT SICK.
YOU KNOW THE BEETS?
CAN YOU GET ME BACKSTAGE PASSES?
OF COURSE, NO
PROBLEM, MAN.
ALL RIGHT!
WOW, AWESOME!
WE'VE GOT A
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
DOUG, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME FREE.
MELVIN IS A HIT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
Patti:
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?
AS CHAIRPERSON
OF THIS YEAR'S HOEDOWN
I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE
THIS EVENING
TO A SPECIAL GUY
NAMED MELVIN.
[ cheering]
Crowd:
SPEECH! SPEECH!
JUDY, THIS WOULD BE
A GOOD TIME TO LEAVE.
DOUGY, BUDDY, DO YOU HONESTLY
THINK I CAN RESIST A SPEECH?
[ mooing]
THANKS, EVERYBODY
BUT THE REAL HONOR
BELONGS TO MY COUSIN DOUG
[ cowbell clanging]
WITHOUT WHOSE DEVOTION
I WOULDN'T BE HERE
WITH YOU TONIGHT.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
DOUG HAS COME TO MY RESCUE.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME
WE WERE SHIPWRECKED
IN SHARK-INFESTED WATERS.
OH, NO.
MAN, JUDY CAN REALLY
LAY IT ON THICK.
WE WERE SINKING,
NOT A RESCUE BOAT IN SIGH
THE SHARKS WERE LICKING
THEIR CHOPS.
IT WAS ALL OVER!
WHEN SUDDENLY
WHOA!
[ gasping]
MELVIN, YOU'RE JUDY!
WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.
AND I DON'
LIKE SURPRISES.
NOW, SEE HERE,
YOUNG MAN
I MEAN, YOUNG LADY
YOU'RE IN A LO
OF TROUBLE.
NO, DON'
BLAME JUDY.
REALLY, I
WAS MY FAULT.
IT WAS JUST A DUMB FIB
THAT GOT OUT OF HAND.
I'M SORRY,
EVERYBODY.
THE LYING PORTION
OF THE EVENING
IS CONCLUDED.
YOU BUMPKINS GE
YOURSELVES ORGANIZED
AND START HAVING FUN!
Crowd:
ALL RIGHT!
PATTI, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE MELVIN THING.
DOUG, ARE YOU KIDDING?
MELVIN IS THE BEST DANCER
AT THE HOEDOWN.
COME ON, PATTI
LET'S SHOW THESE BUMPKINS
HOW TO DO-SI-DO.
SWING YOUR BUMPKIN
DO-SI-DO ♪
DO THE BUMPKIN HO-DE-O.
[ laughing]
I'M SORRY,
CONNIE.
THE OTHER GUYS I ASKED
TURNED ME DOWN
AND THEN YOU LIED
TO ME LIKE THAT.
YOU SAID I WAS
YOUR FIRST CHOICE.
I DID?
OH OOP.
Mr. Bone:
SWING YOUR BUMPKIN DO-SI-DO
DO THE BUMPKIN HO-DE-O.
AFTER TELLING THE TRUTH,
I FELT A WHOLE LOT BETTER.
CONNIE DID, TOO.
PASS THEM LEFT,
PASS THEM RIGHT ♪
UNTIL YOU PASS
THEM OUT OF SIGHT. ♪
DO-SI-DO WITH
THE PERSON BEHIND ♪
SHIMMY LIKE YOU
LOST YOUR MIND. ♪
YEE-HA!
Connie:
THEN THERE
WAS THE TIME
I ATE AN ENTIRE
FRUITCAKE
AND BLAMED I
ON MY CAT
IN FACT, SHE CONFESSED
EVERY LIE SHE EVER TOLD.
AND THEN I SAID
MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK
BUT I DON'T EVEN
HAVE A DOG
WELL, I CAN'T SAY
I DIDN'T DESERVE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK LYING IS A BAD IDEA.
IT'S MORE WORK
THAN TELLING THE TRUTH
UNLESS YOU'RE MY SISTER
WHO PLANS TO MAKE
A CAREER OF IT.
AR, AVAST ME HEARTY!
NOW, YOU MUS
WALK THE PLANK.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS
Doug:
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP
TYING UP PORKCHOP.
Mrs. Funnie:
JUDY, WILL YOU
PIPE DOWN, PLEASE?
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.
THE BLUFFINGTON BALLET
WAS AT IT AGAIN.
THEIR PRODUCTION
OFTHE BEETCRACKER WAS STARTING.
DON'T ASK ME
WHAT I WAS DOING THERE.
IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
LAST YEAR I HELPED
BUILD SETS.
THIS YEAR I'M
WORKING THE LIGHTS.
THAT'S WHA
I'LL DO.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
THE SUGAR BEET FAIRY
THIS YEAR,
PATTI.
IF I WERE AS GOOD
A DANCER AS YOU
I'D TRY OU
FOR THE PART.
THANKS, THAT'S
A NICE THING TO SAY.
I'D RATHER HELP
DESIGN COSTUMES.
HEY, GUYS,
MAYBE YOU TWO
SHOULDDANCE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
THEY ALWAYS
NEED GUYS.
THEY STILL NEED
A BEET PRINCE.
THEY'LL EVEN
TAKE YOU TWO.
THANKS BU
NO THANKS.
I'M STRICTLY
BEHIND
THE SCENES.
I'M HERE.
LET'S BEGIN.
I DON'T KNOW
I'LL BET YOU TWO LOOK
AWFULLY CUTE IN TIGHTS.
AW, COME ON, PATTI.
CUT IT OUT.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
[ gasps]
THIS IS FABULOUS!
AT LAST WE HAVE OUR BEET PRINCE!
INTRODUCING, DOUG FUNNIE!
OKAY
WHAT?!
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
WAY TO GO, MAN.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD DANCE.
I'M SO GLAD
YOU CHANGED
YOUR MIND.
BUT I CAN'T,
I DIDN'T.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I MEAN
LIGHTING ASSISTANT.
LIGHTING ASSISTANT,
WITH THOSE MAGNIFICENT LEGS?
THE BALLE
NEEDS YOU
TO DANCE AND DANCE YOU SHALL.
I DON'T KNOW A THING
ABOUT BALLET.
I WILL TEACH YOU
MOLD YOU,
WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE.
ARE YOU TOUGH
ENOUGH TO TAKE IT?
NO, I'M NOT!
UH-UH.
MAGNIFIQUE!
SEE YOU IN CLASS.
VIVE LA BALLET!
LIFE THE WAY I
WAS MEANT TO BE--
WITH POINTY SHOES
AND TUTUS.
TUTUS?
IS BALLE
VERY HARD?
I NEVER TRIED
IT BEFORE.
HMM, IT'S EASY
ESPECIALLY
FOR THE GUY.
USUALLY HE STANDS THERE
WHILE THE GIRL DANCES.
THE HARDEST PAR
IS THE TIGHTS.
[ making
squeezing noise]
TIGHTS? NO WAY!
I'M NO
WEARING TIGHTS!
DON'T SWEA
IT, MAN.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE PANTS,
ONLY TIGHT.
BESIDES, IF PATTI IS
THE SUGAR BEET FAIRY
YOU TWO WILL
BE PARTNERS.
YEAH?
[ Tchaikovsky's "Dance of
the Sugar Plum Fairies" plays]
[ audience gasps]
[ applause]
[ applause]
AND I THOUGHT I WAS
THE ARTIST IN THE FAMILY.
[ watch ticking]
PRETTY SMOOTH, DOUG.
OH, HOW DO I KEEP GETTING
INTO THESE MESSES?
Instructor:
OH, BEET PRINCE,
SIL VOUS PLAIS.
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
PLIE, PLIE.
ATTENTION,
MADEMOISELLES
OUR BEET PRINCE HAS ARRIVED.
VOILA,OUR COMPANY IS COMPLETE.
COME PRINCE,
COME HERE, BOY.
[ whistling]
COME, COME, COME.
VITE, VITE.
MOVE IT!
NOW, LET'S GE
YOU LIMBERED UP
AT THE BARRE.
JUST A FEW
STRETCHING EXERCISES.
HEY, HEY, PATTI.
NO TALKING!
THIS IS NOT THE CHITCHAT CLUB!
HEELS TOGETHER.
FEET APART.
BACKS STRAIGHT
AND PLIE,
DEUX, TROIS
PLIE, DEUX,
TROIS
WHAT?
PLIE, PLIE!
I JUST WENT BEFORE I GO
IN THESE TIGHTS.
KNEES, BEND YOUR
KNEES, DOUG.
SILENCE!
SORRY, MISS MIMI.
THIRD POSITION, PLIE.
UH, TERRIBLE.
NOW, ARISE
ARISE, PRINCE, ARISE I SAY!
I THINK I'M STUCK.
[ grunting with effort]
[ groans
exasperatedly]
SOON I WAS GETTING THE HANG
OF THIS BALLET STUFF.
WHOA!
IT WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGH
ESPECIALLY IF YOU BRUISE EASILY.
HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP.
OW!
HEY, WATCH
WHERE I'M GOING!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE
PATTI WAS A MUCH BETTER DANCER
THAN BEEBE.
CATCH ME, DOUG.
[ groans]
BRAVO, PRINCE.
PATTI WAS SURE TO GET THE PART
OF THE SUGAR BEET FAIRY.
I FELT LIKE I WAS
THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD
UNTIL ALL OF A SUDDEN
OH, ROGER!
IF HE SAW ME IN TIGHTS, IF HE
FOUND OUT I WAS DANCING BALLE
I WAS A DEAD MAN.
OH, I THINK
I'M IN LOVE.
ISN'T HE DARLING?
ISN'T HE PRECIOUS?
[ screams]
YOO-HOO, DOUGY.
[ screaming]
DOUG DOUG?
YOU CAN PU
ME DOWN NOW.
Miss Mimi:
THAT IS ALL
FOR TODAY.
SUGAR BEET FAIRY
AUDITIONS ARE TOMORROW.
DOUG, YOU
WILL DANCE
WITH EACH GIRL
AS THEY TRY OUT.
SEE YOU, DOUG.
I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING
ABOUT THIS.
ROGER WAS SURE TO FIND OUT
I WAS IN THE BALLET.
HEY, FUNNIE.
HEY, ROGER.
HUH, ROGER?
OH, WHEN ROGER HEARD
THEY NEEDED A RAT KING
HE KNEW HE'D BE
PERFECT FOR THE PART.
BOY, OH BOY, IT'S FUNNY THE WAY
THINGS TURN OUT SOMETIMES.
SO EVERYTHING LOOKED LIKE
IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT.
HEY, PORKCHOP.
AND I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO DANCING WITH PATTI.
HUH?
Woman:
IS MY BALLERINA READY
TO BE THE SUGAR BEET FAIRY?
SUGAR BEE
FAIRY?
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BE STUCK BACKSTAGE
DOING DREARY COSTUMES.
YOU'RE A BLUFF.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE THE STAR.
REMEMBER I OWN THE
BLUFFINGTON BALLET.
MAN.
IT'S NOT FAIR, PORKCHOP.
PATTI IS A MUCH BETTER DANCER
THAN BEEBE.
BUT THEN AT THE AUDITION
GET OU
OF THE WAY!
[ music playing,
dancers grumbling]
NOW I'VE SEEN
EVERYTHING.
[ lone applause]
BRAVO, ROGER!
YOU WILL BE OUR KING
OF THE RATS THIS YEAR.
AS IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT.
Miss Mimi:
AND YOU THREE
WILL BE OUR RATS.
UH, GREAT, I THINK.
ARE WE
THROUGH YET?
WILL YOU THREE PIPE DOWN
BEFORE I CALL THE EXTERMINATOR.
OH, MY COSTUME
IS RIDING UP.
AND NOW OUR FIRS
SUGAR BEET FAIRY ENTRANT IS
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
PATTI.
[ piano music playing]
PATTI DID REALLY WELL.
I HOPE THE JUDGES NOTICED
HOW GOOD SHE WAS.
BRAVA, PATTI.
AND OUR NEX
ENTRANT IS
BEEBE BLUFF.
BEEBE.
HEY, BEEBE,
GOOD LUCK.
I WON'
BE NEEDING IT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
[ music begins]
WELL, THINGS STARTED OUT OKAY
BUT THEN
HEY, OH
WELL, HERE GOES NOTHING.
OH, WOW, WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, BEEBE?
THIS IS NOT WHA
WE REHEARSED.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YIKES!
WHAT IS THAT CLOWN DOING
TO MY POOR BABY?
OH, ARE YOU CRAZY?
[ groaning]
COME BACK HERE!
[ gasping]
[ babbling]
[ screams]
OH, GERONIMO!
OH, MERCI,BEEBE,
ARE YOU FINISHED?
I SURE AM.
THANK YOU, MISS MIMI.
WELL!
[ whistles]
TALK ABOUT DISASTER
YOU LITTLE CLOWN!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
YOU RUINED
BEEBE'S AUDITION!
WHY? WHY?
IT'S MYFAULT.
I MESSED UP
ON PURPOSE.
WHAT?
BUT WHY, BEEBE?
YOU WANTED
THAT PART.
NO,
I DIDN'T.
YOU WANTED IT FOR ME.
I WANTED TO DO
COSTUMES, REMEMBER?
HUH?
HUH?
HUH?
BESIDES
PATTI IS
BETTER THAN ME.
THE KIDS
WOULD HATE ME
IF I GO
THE PART.
I'M SORRY, BEEBE,
I DIDN'T KNOW.
THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
AND AS FOR YOU, YOUNG MAN
I'M SORRY I CALLED
YOU A CLOWN
YOU'RE NO
A CLOWN
YOU'RE A BOY
IN TIGHTS.
COME, BEEBE
YOU'LL BE LATE FOR
YOUR RIDING LESSONS.
CONGRATULATIONS,
PATTI.
THANKS, BEEBE.
I GUESS WE WERE
WRONG ABOUT BEEBE.
BOY, I'LL SAY.
WELL, EVERYTHING TURNED OUT
GREAT BY OPENING NIGHT.
I GOT TO DANCE WITH PATTI.
WELL, THAT WAS THE BEST PART.
[ audience cheering]
I DON'T THINK I'LL BE DANCING
IN ANYMORE BALLETS--
THEY MAKE ME DIZZY--
BUT IT WAS FUN.
AS FOR WEARING TIGHTS,
I DON'T RECOMMEND I
UNLESS YOU'RE
A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.
PORKCHOP, WHERE DID
YOU LEARN TO DANCE?
YOU'RE GOOD, MAN.
I KNOW THIS LADY,
MISS MIMI
LOOKING FOR TALEN
LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
WHERE DID YOU
GET THOSE TIGHTS?
[ cajun music playing]