DuckTales (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

1 [JOHNNY.]
Welcome to the all-new Ottoman Empire.
I'm Johnny, the brains of the outfit, and also the handsome one, because certain co-hosts think that I'm in the way of him becoming a star.
But you know what they say: when the going gets tough I actually don't know Randy's half of the catchphrase.
Louie, I've got something for you.
There was a printing error on these business cards, so I got them for free.
You could just cross out the "Scrooge" and "M.
C.
" and fill in with your own name and company, eh? First of all, what is a business card? And secondly, I'm kind of over the whole "Louie Incorporated" thing.
But I thought you were off to patent your what was it, car-bed? Oh, the Nap-N-Go? Yeah, I had to scrap it.
Did someone else claim the idea first? - No.
- Ah, so you found a design flaw you couldn't work around? Nope.
Was there a line at the patent office? Bah, at least five people deep.
I realized it just wasn't worth it.
Iron my argyles! You're dropping all your hopes and dreams at the first sight of an obstacle? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Classic Louie.
I will not be third-person speechified to.
- That's it.
- Whoa! Lad, it's time I regale you with a rather simple saga.
There I was Hold up.
Is this another old-timey Scrooge story about grit and determination? Just pay attention.
So there I was, in a town called Gumption, mining for a future.
Still desperate for a big score.
Time to claim my destiny.
[LOUIE.]
Oh, boy.
Life is like a hurricane Here in Duckburg Racecars, lasers, airplanes It's a duck blur Might solve a mystery Or rewrite history Duck Tales, whoo-ooh Every day they're out there Making Duck Tales, whoo-ooh Tales of daring do bad And good-luck tales Whoo-ooh D-D-Danger lurks behind you There's a stranger out to find you What to do? Just grab on to some Duck Tales, whoo-ooh Every day they're out there Making Duck Tales, whoo-ooh Tales of daring bad and good Not pony tales or cotton tales No, Duck Tales, whoo-ooh [SCROOGE.]
My travels had brought me to Gumption, a town full of golden promise and the promise of gold.
I had the good sense there was an ocean of aurum under this scrubby land waiting to be unearthed.
Back then, I was young, gritty, hungry.
Nothing could stop me.
Nothing would get in my way of claiming a McDuck gold nugget.
[GRUNTING.]
Great globs of gold.
Ha-ha! [YELPS AND SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
[GROANING.]
Oh My fervor caused me to get reckless, and now I was utterly trapped.
I wasn't sure if I'd survive to see another face.
Howdy, friend, it's me, Sheriff Marshall Cabarera.
Well, which is it, sheriff or marshal? My name is Marshall, but I happen to be Gumption's town sheriff.
Though my friends actually call me "Deputy," which was my nickname before I got the promotion.
Hard to shake a nickname.
Anyway, need some help? Yes, could you find me someone who is not you? I haven't seen you at any of Gumption's town hall meetings.
Prefer it that way.
I work alone.
Well, there's a big-timer from the big city coming through, promising big things for Gumption.
I wanted to let all you prospectors know.
Uh, pardon me, maybe it's the concussion, but I thought I heard you add an "S" to the very singular "prospector.
" As in, Scrooge McDuck, the only prospector in town.
Gumption's picking up.
We're a two-prospector town now.
[SCREAMS.]
Hornswogglin' hoarder, I'll turn him inside out! What no-good, claim-hopping, miscreant would dare steal from Scrooge McDuck? Hooty-hoo, Scroogie.
[SIGHS.]
Of course.
[LOUIE.]
Nope.
Gross.
Old-people romance.
Ugh! We weren't old back then.
It's impossible to picture you young.
Goldie was and remains a pain in my pinfeathers.
No romance there.
So there's no getting mushy? No kissing? No hand-holding? Well [GRUNTING.]
Coffee-boiling bunk artist! You hard-case old croaker! Oh good, you two know each other.
I want to remind y'all once more that the town hall meeting is tomorrow.
Um farewell? You're encroaching on my pay dirt.
How do you know that I didn't find the claim first and that you're stealing from me? Is that true? No, I followed you here to steal your gold, but the fact that you didn't think the opposite is hurtful.
Ugh! Take a ride, Goldie.
I've had enough of your babbling bazoo.
Whoa, can we cut back on the old prospector slang a bit? Get lost, dude.
You're killing my vibe, man.
[LOUIE.]
Nope.
Uh-uh, that's worse.
Just go on.
I'm not going anywhere, you tightwad.
Then you'll have to race me to the mother lode, because I'm working day and night till I find that gold Ow! You'll need that, hon, because I just bought out all the town's dynamite.
[GROWLS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[EXPLOSION RUMBLES.]
[HUMMING.]
[EXPLOSION.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ow! Ow! Aah! Ah-ha.
[GRUNTING.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Yeah.
[LOUD EXPLOSIONS.]
Ha-ha! Ah-ha! [LOUD RUMBLING.]
Hey, you made it.
Prospectors, meet John D.
Rockerduck, the new owner of Gumption.
Howdy, pard.
Always a pleasure meeting grubby working-class heroes like yourselves.
I'll burn those later.
Sheriff, can you kindly remove these sourdoughs from my precious gold nugget? [GROWLS.]
You need a name.
The Gilded Gift? The Thank You Kindly? [GASPS.]
The Big Rock of Gold? No.
The Rockerduck Nugget.
I mean, why overthink it? That's the McDuck Nugget! What's the meaning of this thievery? Don't mind this rube.
So, what's the meaning of this pilfering? Thievery? Pilfering? Oh, no.
I'm putting the humble boomtown of What is it? Gut Punch? - Gumption.
- Ah, Gumption.
on the map.
Make it one of the shining mega-cities of the American West.
I've invested heavily in this charming burg, with it's sand and tumbleweeds and weathered, sunburnt faces.
And all I asked for in return is the right to drill a teeny hole in the center of town.
But I staked a claim on this plot months ago.
Yes, but if I own the town, I own everything in it and under it.
Do you know who you're messing with? That's the buckaroo of the badlands, the maverick of the Montana cattle wars.
The legendary Scrooge McDuck.
You cross him and get ready for a cross hook across your jaw.
Ain't that right? I'll make the declarations from here.
Get your plundering paws off my caches.
You going to take that guff from this foolish, mangy, flea-bitten peasant? His filthy mitts all over your finely pressed suit.
Ha-ha.
That would cost you, small-timer.
I studied Queensberry rules.
Put up your dukes.
Jab, jab, uppercut, cross.
I'll butter your bean.
Ha-ha.
[GRUNTING.]
Sheriff Marshall, a fight's breaking out.
For a starving prospector, you are very strong.
[SPECTATORS CHEER.]
You big galoot, you're not going to stand for this.
Do you know who you are? Oh, horsefeathers.
I ran out of people to pit against each other.
[GROWLS.]
You're making a big mistake.
Sorry, the law's the law.
I should've never left Dawson.
At least the sheriff there had the common decency to be crooked.
What a mess, huh? How will they get out of this tight spot? Find out when we come back with more all-new Ottoman Empire.
I don't remember that.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? I'm so invested in your story that I wanted to record this to watch later.
It's a compliment.
Hmm.
Anyway Once again, you've gotten in my way of striking it rich.
Me? It's not my fault you started brawling with Rockerduck.
It was literally your fault! [SIGHS.]
And a lot of good it did me.
Now we're stuck in here together.
- [GROWLS.]
- Enough! What's it take to get a quiet jail cell? Who are you? Nobody.
Just your common crackpot outlaw, definitely not a brilliant scientist from the future accidentally stuck in the Old West.
I mean, current West.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
I am going to throttle that rich cad and get my gold back.
Nothing will stand in my way.
Not you, or you, or that weird fella up there.
Best get that business out your head.
The man and the gold are on a train leaving town.
[BOTH.]
You let him go? Oh, he'll be back soon enough to rebuild Gumption as promised.
Mr.
Rockerduck is good people.
John D.
Rockerduck? He was historically infamous for swindling every town he hit.
Robbing them of all mineral rights and leaving behind a ghost town.
No, no, you got it wrong.
He's going to put Gumption on the map, make it a famous city that everybody's heard of.
Like Ragged Flats, and Crazy Howl, and Grind Creek, and he's never coming back, is he? What now, Scroogie? I'm fixing to steal what I rightfully earned.
The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck has got a train to rob.
[SPITS.]
Maybe don't say that till we're out of jail.
Together, we are going to form a notorious posse and bring the McDuck nugget back to Gumption.
And why should we help you? Because we love gold more than we hate each other.
First, we need to find a way to bust out of this hoosegow.
Some nitric acid, perhaps, or a spoon to slowly saw through the bars.
Or I could just let you out.
How can we trust this lawman to help with the heist? Ma'am, this tin star here means I pursue justice against all crooks, especially swindlers that aim to do harm to my town.
Attalad.
So how are we going to catch up to this train? Oi, wacky nameless inventor, any ideas? Rocket horses! - Galloping gold prices! - Thunderation! Good, glad you like it, because my backup plan was uh, problematic.
- [SNORING.]
- [SCROOGE.]
Once onboard, Goldie and I will pass ourselves as rich muckety mucks to get access to Rockerduck's exclusive dining car.
Goldie will distract Rockerduck as I lift the key for the cargo car containing the nugget.
There is no way dirty, dour Scrooge McDuck could pass off as wealthy.
That, ahem, top hat suits you.
It covers your bald spot.
[GROWLS.]
I'm not one for these newfangled science doohickeys.
Prefer a trusty thoroughbred.
A horse galloping at a steady 30 miles per hour could outpace the limited thrust of these rudimentary propulsion engines.
You are very familiarly frustrating to me.
Saddle up, outlaws.
Yee-haw! [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
I get such a thrill hustling these dirtwater towns.
I mean, who drinks dirt water? Dummies, that's who.
Now, laugh.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Oh, I'm rich.
But, sir, do you feel no guilt in breaking your promises? Jeeves.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [KNUCKLES CRACK.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ah, much better.
Whoa! Is that a feather in my oyster stew? This is a luxury locomotive, not some chicken barn.
Why am I even eating scorching-hot food in scorching-hot weather? Why is it even on the menu? Cold up this soup.
Cold it up.
There's Rockerduck.
You see what you've done? You've got me worked up.
I'll snag the key from him while you well, do what you do best.
Be an annoying diversion.
- [PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC.]
- [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[GOLDIE.]
May I have your attention? [PLAYING UPBEAT.]
Follow me for the key change and try to keep up.
Hey, fella Ain't you looking nice? Fine dresser You're worth the price A diamond cuff-link pair you and I Till the gold gets in my eyes Yes, gold gets in my eyes Oh, hey, handsome.
All eyes on me This song's not done Work faster, let's have fun Did someone just yell "reprise"? [LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
Gold gets in my eyes - Key change! - [GROWLS.]
Listen up, Luddite.
Lasso the gold nugget to the nodes here, then pump the velocitator.
Faster.
Faster.
No, too fast! [COUGHING.]
No, no, no! This is a calamity.
Waterloo.
Blue ruin.
How am I going to catch the train now? [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[LOUIE.]
Hold up a second.
How could you possibly know what the sheriff and the inventor were talking about when you were on the train? Look who's suddenly invested.
No, it's just [STAMMERS.]
Just please keep going.
Come on, wake up, wake up.
We're missing the train.
Whoa! Blathering blatherskite, get this contraption off me! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Eureka.
[NECK CRACKS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[YELLS.]
- [WHIMPERS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Hands off, you humongous hooligan.
You heard the codger, hands off! [BLOWS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[GROANS.]
Stop in the name of the law.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hurry.
That's Gumption Gulch approaching fast.
Ready to jump? Yeow! Look here, friend.
Rockerduck has no regard for hardworking lads like us, born from the grind.
Don't you know who you are? A working-class hoofer, just like us.
Only much, much bigger.
You deserve a piece of this too.
Hmm.
[WHIMPERS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ah, perfectly tepid.
What? Well, dang.
- [BOTH.]
Whoo-hoo! - Back to Gumption.
- [STEAM HISSES AND WHISTLES.]
- Whoa! Wait! The gold! [GASPS.]
No! [MARSHAL.]
Well, we didn't get the gold, but at least Rockerduck didn't either, right? Mm.
Heck of a missed opportunity.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
What is going on? [ALL.]
Gold! Gold! [MAN.]
Get out of my way! I want some of that gold! [WOMAN.]
Hey, slow down.
Of course.
Gumption Gulch flows right back into town.
You helped return the gold back to Gumption.
You're not outlaws, you're heroes.
Heroes, yes.
Much better than gold.
Much better.
Oh, Scroogie, why do you suppose I came all the way out here? To, uh, get one over on me? [LAUGHS.]
Well, that.
But also, I wanted to see you again.
Um, it's good to see you too.
[CHUCKLES.]
You and that sweet kisser.
Oops.
Oh, no, you don't! [SCROOGE.]
And while Goldie made off with much of the stray gold, I did create a profitable panning venture there Until that lead to the Great Goldwater Battle of Gumption.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- This isn't the end? - Well, no.
Becoming rich is an endless cycle of obstacles and opportunities.
Then what's the point? Let me rephrase.
How do you want to make your fortune? By being a con man, like Rockerduck? A shifty operator, like Goldie? Or an industrious, resourceful, self-made man like your dear uncle? [GASPING AND PANTING.]
What year is it? Uh oh [LOUIE.]
Hello, Miss O'Gilt? Can I call you Goldie? Absolutely not? Great, great.
I'm looking to operate my company more shiftily.
Could you teach me to do what you do? Yeah, it probably would make my uncle very mad.