Empty Nest (1988) s02e09 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on okay, Laverne, come on who's next? Your neighbor Charley dietz wants to see you.
He's in room 1.
Why isn't he in the waiting room? Because he got into a fight over the Lincoln logs with Billy WASSERMAN.
All right All right, Charley, come on.
Let's go.
What do you want? I need a medical excuse to get out of jury duty.
I think my spleen's enlarged.
Charley, your spleen is down here.
Well, it's worse than I thought.
Charley, you're wasting your time.
I'm not giving you a medical excuse.
Nuts! Looks like I'm gonna have to go with plan "b.
" What's that? Fake my own death.
Sign this form, Harry, and I'm history.
Charley, how'd you get your hands on a death certificate? Had a late date with a coroner's daughter.
Those things were scattered all over that metal table.
All right, Charley, out! Come on.
Please! We've got people here to deal with.
Go.
Go.
Boy, whatever happened to respect for the dead? Terrence Fletcher, room two.
Okay.
Gimme back my Lincoln logs! In your dreams, WASSERMAN.
Hi, Terrence.
Oh, Andrew.
Nice.
Hi.
So what can I do for you today? Dr.
Weston, Terrence hasn't been sleeping at night.
He's convinced there are monsters under his bed.
We've tried everything.
We even sawed the legs off his bed.
Apparently, that just flattens their heads and makes them angrier.
Yeah.
The only person I ever heard of who could make them go away was Ricky the raccoon.
Who's Ricky the raccoon? Well, Ricky lived hundreds of years ago, but he had a problem similar to yours.
Every night when he went to bed, the monsters would appear in his room and do their evil dance.
See, daddy? I told you they did that.
Apparently, you were right, son.
Anyway anyway, one night, after Ricky had waxed all the floors, the monsters came out to do their awful dance, but they started slipping and sliding and falling all over each other so that Ricky, in spite of himself, I mean, he started to smile, then he started laughing.
And the monsters got very frightened because they'd never heard laughter before.
And they ran away as fast as they could, and never came back.
Wow! Yeah, you know, there are still some people today who think that if a monster is bothering a little boy or a little girl, that Ricky the raccoon will show up out of nowhere with that little blue t-shirt with "smile" written right across it.
I don't know Dad, look! It's Ricky! It can't be! It is! It's Ricky! Ricky this is amazing.
You take him home with you, keep him by your bed.
That way you'll be protected from monsters forever.
- Thanks.
- Go on, son, I'll be right out.
Boy, I never knew that would ever happen here.
Dr.
Weston That was quite a story.
Well No, no, no.
I know about these things.
I'm a publisher.
My company puts out the jumpy the frog series.
You know, jumpy's first day at school, jumpy goes to a new neighborhood.
No, they're classics.
Well, now we want to do a new one called jumpy goes to the hospital.
Dr.
Weston, how would you like to write it? Me? Yeah.
Who better than a pediatrician? After hearing about Ricky the raccoon, it's obvious you have a gift for storytelling.
Well, I don't know that it's a gift.
Well, no, I guess it would be a gift.
All we have to do now is settle on a dollar figure.
No, no, no, no, no.
If I do this, it wouldn't be for the money.
Okay, hey, what if you were to donate your salary to your favorite charity? That's very interesting, because, you know, the children's wing in our hospital, it could use a new playground.
Deal.
- Deal! - Deal! - All right.
- We'll do it.
Good.
I'll call you with all the details.
Okay.
All right.
This is gonna be fun.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Laverne I'm gonna be an author.
I'm gonna write jumpy goes to the hospital.
Jumpy the frog? Didn't he have a hard time adjustin' to that new neighborhood? Now he's going to the hospital? Why do bad things always happen to good frogs? Listen, Laverne, you will clear all my lunch hours 'cause, you know, I'm gonna need that time for writing.
So what, now I'm working for the new Dr.
Seuss? Laverne, nobody will ever replace Dr.
Seuss.
Although, if you ask me, he's been coasting since horton hears a who.
Hey, daddy.
Ooh, your new computer! Great.
Does it have any games? Sweetheart, this is not a toy, now.
This is here solely to help me in the writing process.
Oh, here come three trolls, and a dragon ate my laser! Daddy, the computer! Oh, I envy you.
Writing a book is so exciting.
So I bought you a present to celebrate your first day as a great American author A writing jacket.
Oh, honey, I love it! Isn't that so good.
But listen, I'm just a pediatrician writing a little kids' book.
I'm not gonna let it go to my head.
Shouldn't there be elbow patches? I've seen pictures of writers.
They all have elbow patches! Hi, people.
Carol.
Harry, I wanted to thank you for not declaring me legally dead.
Daddy, why not? At the very least, he's brain-dead.
Yesterday, I was ready to duck out of doing my part for the American judicial system.
But thanks to you, Harry, I realized it's my duty to be an integral part of the right of every man to have a fair trial.
Who's the lady, Charley? "- 5'5" blonde.
Better-than-average nose job.
I thought everyone was entitled to a trial by a jury of their peers, not 11 peers and a moron.
Very funny, Carol.
What's a peer? Carol, you're not being fair.
I'm a cop.
I see lots of juries.
I'm sure Charley's not gonna be the only moron.
Thank you, Barbara.
Barbara, I think we should get out of here and let daddy work He has a book to write.
Carol, it's okay.
It's just a little kids' book.
It's short.
I've got two weeks to write it.
Besides, I've got it all right up here.
Ideas, come on, come on! I know you're in there.
Come out! Okay, here we go.
Five, four, three, two Nothing? Daddy, what's going on down here? I've been trying to write jumpy goes to the hospital for a week, and I cannot even get him past admittance! You're pushing too hard.
You just need to relax.
The ideas will come.
- You really think so? - I'm sure of it.
I guess you're right.
I mean, I must have the right instincts.
I mean, that Ricky the raccoon story had to come from somewhere.
Yeah, it did.
From grandma.
Grandma? Yeah.
Remember when we were little and scared of monsters? Grandma would always tell us the Ricky the raccoon story.
Great.
Not only was the story not mine, I stole it from my own mother! I can't do this! Carol, I'm gonna have to call the publisher tomorrow and tell him I'm off the project.
Daddy, wait.
Now, what if I helped you with the book? I have all kinds of ideas, and I really think I could get inside this frog's head.
Oh, daddy, please.
I really want to do this.
You got it, partner.
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun working together.
Let's start right away.
Okay? Okay, jumpy Jumpy Jumpy's going to the hospital.
He's going to need an illness.
I've got it.
Lyme disease.
It's current, and it can be deadly.
Okay, daddy, now tell me what you think of this.
"Ouch! "Yes, jumpy, that needle does hurt.
"But the medicine released into your bloodstream "will stop that infection from spreading to yet another organ.
" Carol, dear, I don't think we want to say that.
Well, daddy, we can't lie to these kids.
Complete honesty is essential.
Okay, well, let's come back to that.
What's next? "Jumpy, you needed that shot "because during the operation, you aspirated on your own vomit.
" What an amazing day on the jury.
So, Charley, what is this case about? I don't know.
Mostly I've been trying to catch the eye of my lovely jury colleague, but all she seems to be interested in is what this witness has to say, and what that witness has to say.
Charley, you've gotta start paying more attention.
Yeah, that's what the guy in the black robe said.
Hey, a quarter! Sofa search finally paid off.
This'll come in handy when I have to decide "guilty or innocent?" Guilty.
Daddy, listen to this.
"As jumpy's pain medication slowly wears off, "he realizes his weak cries for help "will not be heard.
And he must somehow reach the red call button.
" It might be a good time to take a break.
Okay, but not too long, or we'll have to notify jumpy's next of kin.
Ha! Hey, daddy.
How's the book going? The worst.
The worst! Carol and I have not come up with one single usable thing, and the book is due in three days.
So tell the publisher you can't do it.
I can't.
The children's wing already started construction on the playground.
I'm just gonna have to tell Carol that it's not working out, and somehow finish this thing on my own.
Daddy, it shouldn't be this hard.
It's about a frog that goes to the hospital, right? Yeah.
Well, what if the frog is lost, and he jumps on a Lily pad that happens to be a part of the hospital? And as he jumps from Lily pad to Lily pad, he learns that the hospital isn't such a scary place after all.
That's a great idea! Why didn't you mention this sooner? I just thought of it.
Just like that? Right there? - Yeah.
- Without a computer? Yeah.
Carol and I could have never come up with something like that.
I have the perfect plan, dear.
How would you like to be my new writing partner? What about Carol? I said it was perfect.
I didn't say there wouldn't be any bloodshed.
So, sweetheart, come on.
Will you help me write the book? Daddy, I would love to help you write the book, but what about Carol? You know how much this means to her.
It'll kill her And then she'll kill me.
You could end up on current affair.
Honey, I think you may be underestimating your sister.
I mean, she told me herself while we were working on the book that complete honesty is essential.
Daddy.
Daddy, I know we're on a break, but while I was in the bathroom, a great idea occurred to me.
I think on the title page, I'll use my full name.
Carol Olivia Weston.
It sounds more authory.
Good luck.
Carol, sweetheart, sit down, and let's talk.
Now, remember before, when I was kind of resisting you a little bit on, you know, jumpy getting such a really painful shot? And you were saying how very important it is to be honest and truthful.
Yeah, yeah, daddy.
I'm glad you brought that up because I realized I was wrong about that.
You were? Yeah, well, there are times in life when you are better off not knowing the truth.
So I'm thinking, what if when jumpy the frog gets his shot, he doesn't say "ouch"? He just gives a little grimace, and then they wheel him into post-op, huh? What do you think? It's like you're reading my mind.
Break's almost over.
I'll go get us some munchies.
Bye, Harry.
Charley, what are you doing upstairs in my house? Hey, don't jump all over me.
I was just taking one of your jackets.
What? I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't a very important occasion.
Tomorrow we start jury deliberations, and guess who's foreman.
Oh, my god, you? No.
The babe.
I'm scoring some big points with this lady.
Yesterday we made some heavy eye contact while some guy was throwing himself on the mercy of something.
The court? Sure.
Why not? Anyway, the deliberations will be the clincher.
When I raise my hand to say guilty Or not guilty Whatever she says She'll soon find herself appealing in the supreme court of love.
Charley, wait a minute.
Listen to me, please.
For once in your life, try to take something seriously.
Come on, a man's fate is in your hands.
Charley, I know even you have a sense of justice and integrity deep down inside.
I know it may be hard to find it.
It might take men with flashlights and ropes But I know it's in there.
I know that.
Now, Charley, tomorrow, when you're in that jury room, I want you to think about that.
What? That's fine, Charles.
Good night.
Good luck.
Okay, okay, I'm sure.
There is no reason Carol needs to know we're doing this.
Right.
Now, let's work.
Fine, yeah.
I'm gonna stop feeling guilty.
There is nothing to feel guilty about.
There is no guilt.
Absolutely no guilt at all.
All right, fine.
No, as far as I'm concerned, we're not doing anything wrong here.
Close the door, for god's sake! What's with him? All I know is it's not guilt.
- Here's your lunch.
- What are we having? Guilt burgers.
Cheeseburgers! I don't think I can eat.
Laverne, tell me the truth.
Do you think I did the right thing? I don't know.
I'd ordered the fillet of fish.
No, no, no, no, I'm talking about not telling Carol At first, I thought you's wrong, stabbin' your own daughter in the back and all.
But, when I's in the parking lot, I run into miss posey, from the children's wing.
They've almost finished that new playground, and she was plumb weepy tellin' me how grateful to you they were.
Oh, okay, so you think I've done the right thing.
I didn't say that.
You think I've done the wrong thing? I didn't say that either.
What do you think? I think your guilt burger's getting cold.
Obviously, I haven't kept my feelings a secret about this case.
As far as I'm concerned, Brian Walker is guilty.
The guy's a worm.
Let's hang him high! So let's get right down to it and see where we all stand.
All who feel he's guilty, please raise your hands.
Mr.
Harrison? I'm still troubled by one little thing.
It's possible his business partner was lying.
Are you kidding? That sweet old woman with the Bible? That was the bailiff! Look, if 11 other people heard the same evidence I did, and it doesn't bother them, I'm not gonna stand in the way.
Guilty.
Well, that makes it unanimous.
We have a conviction.
Thanks to all of you, Mr.
Walker will be taken off the streets and put into prison.
Prison? What'd he do? Oh, my god.
Wait a second.
Uh I need to say something.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know for a fact that justice was not served here today.
While you've been sitting in that courtroom and debating the merits of this case, I've been trying to get my wallet out of my back pocket by flexing the muscle in my right buttock.
Members of the jury, I am an incompetent.
I am a varicose vein on the leg of lady Liberty.
I should be discredited, I should be disqualified.
If there is, in fact, justice in this land, I should be kicked off this jury.
"And jumpy hippity-hopped back to his Lily pad" "A happier and healthier frog, thanks to his visit to the hospital.
" Ah, now we finally get to type those two words I thought I would never see The End.
We did it! All right! Oh Daddy, I couldn't wait to tell you.
I have the best idea for What is going on here? My sister My father My book.
I am sick! Carol, please, wait.
Carol I don't want to talk about it.
Just stop.
Wait a minute here! I am the father of this family, and you two girls are gonna sit down and listen to what I have to say.
Why are you doing this to me? I'm not the one who lied and deceived.
Sweetheart, you want to sit down? Thank you.
All right, now, I owe both you girls an apology.
Barbara, I'm sorry I made you an accomplice to this whole thing.
Forgiven.
Can I go now, daddy? No.
Now, Carol, the last thing I wanted to do was lie to you.
But also, at the same time, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt your feelings.
I had to make a choice.
I did what I thought was right.
All right, fine.
You tell me how I should have handled this situation.
You should have been honest with me.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I should have told you from the very beginning that our writing was absolutely terrible, and your sister is just much better at it.
Oh, my god! How can you say something like that to me? You just told me to tell you the truth! Well, I'm wrong a lot.
Okay, all's well that ends well! I'll be upstairs.
No, you wait here.
Come on, this kind of thing is gonna happen again, I know.
So no one's leaving this room until we are clear how we're gonna handle it.
I mean, you girls can't have it both ways.
Now, what do you want? Do you want honesty, or do you want no hurt feelings? Honesty.
Honesty's good.
Okay, fine, then that's it.
From now on, that's the rule.
Complete honesty down the line.
Nothing but the truth.
With the obvious exception of this.
"Carol's a terrible writer" thing.
All right, complete honesty down the line except for the terrible writer thing.
And if you ever don't like one of my dates, and you don't feel like telling me about it, I have no problem with that.
All right, fine.
Then we'll have complete honesty down the line except for the terrible writer thing and the bad date thing.
And you know how sensitive I am about the way I look.
And if I ever don't remember to clean up stop! You're putting me in a no-win situation.
I mean, how can I possibly know whether it's an honesty thing, or one of your exception things? Well, daddy, that's a father's job.
She's right, daddy.
Great.
Perfect.
You know, jumpy, hey He thought he had a tough time.
Moving into a new neighborhood, going to the hospital.
He should try having daughters.
Jumpy has daughters.
Now, there's a book somebody really ought to write.
Mail's here.
Daddy.
Carol.
And this one's for me.
"Occupant.
" - Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
I'll take that.
No, you won't.
I'm occupant.
- Since when? - Daddy.
Wait a minute, look, look.
Here's one for "resident"! Now, Carol's the oldest She's occupant.
And you're Barbara, you're the resident.
Ah, look! From the publisher! Jumpy goes to the hospital.
Please, don't remind me.
Daddy, we finally stopped fighting about that.
You sure you want to bring it up again? Well, I think there's something in here that might interest a couple of ladies in this house.
"Dedicated to my daughters, Barbara and Carol, "in no particular order, "each with her own special gifts.
They are the most important chapters in my life.
" Oh, daddy, that's so sweet.
How come she got to read it out loud?