F is For Family (2015) s02e09 Episode Script
Pray Away
1 [car engine running.]
Forty-five bottles of trust on the wall Forty-five bottles of trust Take one down, pass it around Forty-four bottles of trust On the wall On the wall Dear God, you let me survive Korea for this? Oh, Frank, if that's gonna be your attitude the whole time, - you might not survive this bus ride.
- You're right, honey.
I want our marriage to get better, and I'll do whatever I can to make this weekend work.
And I'm sorry I said this bus was worse than the rice-eating commies trying to kill me.
Thank you, Frank.
That's a start.
Well, I don't know about you, but all those bottles of trust have me ready to burst.
I hope there's a bathroom around here.
There's a rest stop just around the bend at exit 37.
Take the service road past the ranger station and it's on the left.
It's very quiet.
No cops.
That's my Greg! He's like my own personal auto club.
Father, Sue and I really want to fix our marriage.
As soon as we get to the lake, could you start doing whatever it is you do? You know, like, pray, take out that smoke thing, fling that water hammer you got? Oh, Frank, I'm not a wizard with a wand and magic spells.
That's the stuff of fairy tales.
I'm a priest of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who was born of a virgin and walked on water.
The only solution for you and Sue is to engage each other and share your deepest feelings.
In front of people? I'm not doing that! [chuckles.]
See? You're already making progress! You just shared a very deep feeling.
- Absolute panic! - I know! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [on radio.]
# It's a puppy dog, cotton candy day # [radio DJ.]
All right, the Sunday Funday Corey Mars-athon continues.
Eating cotton candy And thinking of Christy This fucking station sucks now.
[polka music playing.]
This sounds like ass, but at least they mean it.
Bet that tuba player gets miles of pussy.
[TV announcer.]
What It Is with your host Jim Jeffords.
[Jeffords.]
My guest this Sunday morning is Chairman of the Black Liberation Alliance for Black Liberation, Tecumseh X Du Bois.
May I ask what was wrong with your birth name, Jefferson Davis? I got rid of my slave name when I was falsely incarcerated and had my dignity stripped away by whitey.
I can relate.
I was once bumped from a squash court by Whitey Ford.
The only avenue to right an injustice is through armed action.
If I had wrongfully imprisoned someone, I'd be very scared right now.
Oh Good morning, dumb-dumb.
Ah, shut the curtains! Shut the curtains! What are you, the world's first pussy vampire? It's none of your business.
I get it.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons is gonna kill you for fingering him for that hockey stick you stole.
How did you know that? Can you read minds, too? No, I'm doing something harder: reading Jimmy's penmanship.
Let's dig him up and take his belt.
And I can wear his face for Halloween! Get out of here, you guys! I'm trying not to be seen! - Ah! It's Zombie Bill! - Ah! I'm not dead.
- There's only one way to prove it.
- [grunts.]
Ow! My balls! Does that mean he's alive? I forget.
Let's pee on him to be sure.
Get out of here! [both.]
Ah! Welcome to our first morning of "Pray Away the Hurt.
" God has provided us with a lovely day and also with Ginny and Greg, our biggest success story, who are our senior counselors.
Thank you, Father.
Frank, Sue, Jan, Clark, you've taken a very brave step by coming here today.
One that will save your marriage, just like it saved Greg and me.
All with the loving help of our Lord, Jesus.
Oh, you've got a swimmer's body.
Sorry.
Go ahead, honey.
Before we found the light, it felt like our marriage was finished.
But with the help of Father Pat, Greg opened up.
He came to me in tears and I'll never forget how he said it, "Ginny, I love you, but I'm gayning too much weight from your cooking.
" That's what I said! I was hurt, but I accepted it, and I accepted him.
Now, he goes out every night and finds his own dinner.
And he comes home in a great mood, with a hot meal in his tummy, and all is right in the world of Ginny and Greg Throater.
Now, let's go around the circle, and each of you tell us how you're feeling.
I am feeling like killing myself right now.
Frank, you can do this.
Take baby steps.
No one's expecting you to bare your soul.
My doctor says my vagina has calcium deposits resembling teeth.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Wow.
Ouchy.
[rock music playing.]
Bonsoir, party animals! Hey, my main man! My half man! My ice man! Holy shit, Kevin.
Every DJ from the KWOCK is gonna see us play today.
- Black Bob from Baltimore - Wicked Warren Ullnee.
And that's David Bowie! Oh, wait, it's just a sick lady.
Kevin, come on, get ready.
We want to go over early and finish off people's drinks before they throw cigarettes in them.
Look, there's something I got to tell you guys.
It's been really weighing on me.
Vic's throwing this party for his girlfriend, right? - Well - Oh, man, she's so hot! Oh, I'd give a thousand guys a thousand hand jobs just to bone her! Wait.
Is that one hand job each or a thousand hand jobs per guy? - One each! I'm not a fairy! - I can't talk to you jerks! I feel like I'm being ripped apart! - I don't think I can do this gig! - Oh, you are doing it! This is our big chance and you're not gonna let us down.
Now, grow some balls and put on your fucking eye liner! [TV announcer.]
I'm here with Reid Harrison, host of the sixth annual Colt Luger Pro Am.
So, Reid, what should we expect from Colt Luger this year? I don't know.
I don't write that crap.
I don't even do my own stunts.
A Chinaman in a wig does them for me.
The way you pronounce his name is by dropping a tray of silverware.
Hey, sweetheart, another one.
[TV announcer.]
ABS apologizes for Reid's behavior.
- [pounding on door.]
- He hasn't been himself.
His Malibu steakhouse collapsed into the ocean yesterday.
Where's your brother? He was supposed to deliver these papers hours ago! - Uh, he's not here.
- Yeah, and I'm Spiro T.
Agnew.
Hey! I know you can hear me, you little red-headed fuck! I'll deliver these, but it's coming out of your pay.
You don't mess with Randy! All right? Randy will kill a kid! [polka music playing on radio.]
Oh, man.
Jimmy's gonna kill me! Then Randy's gonna kill me! I'll be dead twice! What do I do, Maureen? Well, maybe you can start by apologizing to Phillip.
That way you can die in each other's arms.
Shut up! Oh, shit.
Hey, Bill.
I, uh, I thought you might like this.
Ooh, Willie Stargell.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
Thanks.
Why is all your furniture covered in plastic? Oh, Nana pees a little bit when she watches Dialing for Dollars.
Listen, I shouldn't have said some of that stuff yesterday.
It's okay.
I was cruel to you, too.
I disemboweled you in my diary.
What the hell does that mean? Uh, uh [Bill.]
Oh Agh This is how I get my feelings out when my ears get hot.
Wow, this is really fucked up.
Sometimes I don't remember drawing them.
You're a genius at this stuff! Maybe you could think of a way to get Jimmy to leave us alone.
It is a subject I visit on occasion.
[Bill.]
Holy shit.
What I wouldn't give for one more chance to show my dad that I could safely make homemade fireworks.
[sobs.]
It's not your fault, Clark.
He put gun powder in a coffee can, Sue.
Oh, my Clarkie.
Clark, you just earned an honesty star.
See? When couples are honest with each other, it brings them closer together.
Frank, it's your turn.
Tell us how you're feeling.
- I don't know how I feel.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
I was always taught to keep things to myself.
We didn't burden other people with our problems.
It was considered impolite.
That was the old way of thinking.
Come on, honey.
You can do this.
Frank, how do you feel? I'm pissed off you're bugging me about this! Pissed off.
That's an emotion.
It really makes me mad.
Beating the same drum, but that's good.
I feel like you were the kind of kid that me and my friends - would have thrown into a pond! - Okay.
Keep going, Frank.
Dig deeper.
Why are you mad? I'm mad because we had to come on this thing to make our marriage better, but I don't know how the hell it went bad in the first place.
All I know is everything was great with us when I had my old job, and now I'm stuck with you people in a dumpy cabin that reeks of deer piss and pipe tobacco, and all we have is this cheap, watery peanut butter you got to stir first before you put it on the bread! Where's the goddamn Skippy? That's good, Frank! Open that door! How can you say that's good? He's awful.
Me? You married a father killer! [sobs.]
Okay.
Close that door a little bit.
Let's take a break, shall we? I'll make some coffee.
[all.]
No! [rock music playing.]
Did you see the ice sculpture I got just for you? We can celebrate the permanence of our love as we watch it slowly melt away.
Two grand well spent.
[laughs nervously.]
I need a drink.
I knew you'd love it! Out of my way, full-growns! Here we go.
It's almost time.
We'll be so famous after this, our dicks are gonna be like magnets.
Wouldn't that mean they'd attract other dicks? That's not how dick magnets work! Tonight's your night, Kevin.
You guys are gonna show these people the truth.
You're so pure, I wish I could snort you up.
That's so nice of you, Vic, but there's something I need to Hey, there's my boss! I didn't invite him.
Guess he always knows where the party's at.
Guys, today we bully the bully.
We're gonna get Jimmy so good, he'll never mess with us again.
And he'll move on to bully someone smaller and weaker than us.
- Thanks for bringing the rope.
- We's happy to oblige.
Just as long as we get it back to Daddy so he can have his happy alone time in his closet.
Okay, let's go over the plan one more time.
Phillip? [Phillip.]
Bill and I will bait Jimmy with incendiary remarks.
When he gives chase, you two pull the rope taut, knocking him off his bike and into the wagon.
Lady Gravity will carry him downhill as we pelt him with rocks on his journey to his final destination, the construction site port-o-potty.
Then the fecal matter in his scratch marks will lead to a severe infection which will Jesus Christ! You got a lot of evil in that big fucking head! My mom says I'm going to grow into it.
Empathy is an important part of any relationship.
That's why we're going to move on to an exercise called "role playing.
" [all.]
Ooh.
Greg, let's show everyone how it's done.
[in deep voice.]
"I'm Greg.
I'm so manly.
I build stone walls with my bare hands, yet I have the soul of a poet.
And I love my Ginny.
" "I'm Ginny.
I'm a beautiful, trusting soul.
I'm a wonderful mother, and I'm raising two magnificent sons.
And I deserve a real marriage, not a cheap, hollow imitation!" Oh, look at those tears of joy! Excellent.
Frank and Sue, your turn to role play.
Frank, put yourself in Sue's place.
How do you see her? I've been married too long to be dumb enough to answer that question.
Come on, Frank.
This is why we came here.
I know you can do this.
All right.
"I'm Sue.
I'm a good-looking broad and I make a decent deviled egg.
The end.
" Agh "I'm Frank.
I tell Sue I want to work on our marriage, but I'm not willing to go beyond the surface and say what's really bothering me about her.
" Oh, okay.
I see how this works.
It's all my fault.
"I threw a hissy fit at Frank for working a few extra shifts while I abandoned my children just to follow my dream of drying the world's lettuce.
" "I call how my wife puts food on the table 'her little hobby!'" "And I remember every fucking thing Frank ever said and I keep a list up here so whenever he fucks up I can just Agh, agh, agh!" Oh, honey, you'll never be like that.
Oh, he will.
And you'll turn him into it! You know how? With your constant fucking [makes nagging sound.]
Oh, it must make you feel like a big man to step on my dreams.
We had a deal! We had another deal.
It was called a marriage vow! Remember that, Susan? For better or for worse? Well, "worse" happened.
I lost my job and how did you support me? I got a job to feed the whole goddamn family! Yeah, a job where you're doing better than me! [gasps.]
[gasps.]
You know what you just did, Frank? You let us in.
I did.
That's the first step towards healing, allowing us to see that beneath your gruff exterior, you're actually quite sensitive.
I guess I am.
He's actually an asshole.
Jeez, I feel like I'm at home.
[rock music playing.]
The immortal Mort Rosenthal! Shalom! Welcome to my home.
Help yourself.
The candies are in the bowl, the Quaaludes are in that bowl.
And if you want to lick a toad, they're swimming in the sink.
Thank you, but it is the Sabbath.
I actually came here to give you some bad news.
We're going to have to let you go.
You're firing me? Let's be honest, Vic.
Your drug use is seriously affecting your performance.
Why are you springing this on me now? Vic, we've had this exact conversation five times.
I keep firing you and you keep showing up.
I need you to clean out your desk by noon tomorrow.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tell my wife I'm divorcing her.
All right, Vic, now, time to keep it together for Cutie Pie.
Smile, God damn it! [groans.]
All right, you swanky fuckers! Your attention, please! Get ready to rock.
This special day is for my special lady, the love of my life, my Cutie Pie.
You are the apple of my eye, the thump in my heart, and the only thing in my life that keeps me real.
[giggles.]
Did you just hear that? Did everyone else's ears just pop? Now let's kick off the entertainment.
Coming to the stage is a power trio of righteous dudes fronted by a young man who I've really come to admire.
I'm so happy he's chasing his dream, and I'm proud to call him my friend.
Mr.
Kevin Murphy! Oh, man.
Tonight he's gonna take us all to the moon, unlike those liars at NASA.
Where'd the lunar buggy come from? They put it together with a wrench? This band's gonna rock! Crickets make that sound with their legs.
Hey, come on! Here's Merlin's Monocle! Thank you, Vic.
You're a great guy.
I really mean it.
Let's rock it! A-one, two, three, four! [rock music plays.]
Wait, stop! I can't rock right now with this burden on my soul.
- Let me borrow this.
- Kevin, what the fuck? A great man once told me that when you take the stage, people see right into your soul.
Man, I'd love to meet that dude.
But my soul is troubled.
There's something I got to say.
This is the only way I know how to say it.
I was on a search to be a man Fed up with just The company of my hand I finally got laid But now the piper must be paid Oh, shit.
He must be paid p-p-paid paid P-p-p-paid paid P-p-p-paid paid, paid [voice trembles.]
[man.]
Pick up your axe! I'm living a lie But the hurtful truth is night He said them toads are in the sink, right? Thirteen, fourteen, five-teen.
Hey, Jimmy.
[chuckles.]
I see the pussies have come for their punishment.
Uh, how'd you get those ears, Jimmy? Did your dad fuck an elephant? Are you out of your fucking mind? Your mother does sex for money.
My mom's never earned a dollar in her life! I'm gonna pull your hearts out through your assholes! Go! [grunting.]
[music.]
Now! Huh? - Oh, shit.
- It always worked in my kill book.
Nice try, dickweeds! [both.]
Ah! I'm gonna cut your nose off and shove it up your ass so you'll go through life smelling [grunts.]
Oh, man.
Not again.
[Randy.]
My name is Jimmy Fitzsimmons! [polka music playing.]
Sue, when I got fired, I lost two jobs: Mohican and being head of our house.
You go off and get this job, which is fine.
But then you invent your salad thing.
And it's a really good idea.
It's brilliant.
That's why, I don't know, I guess it bugs me that my dream's in the past and yours is ahead of you.
It looks like you're gonna do a lot better than me.
But as a man, I have to be doing better, or what am I? And that's why, I guess, deep down, in a roundabout way, I was hoping that you'd fail.
That was really brave of you to say that, Frank.
You know, in the book of Job - You motherfucker! - Ow! She was the girl of the guy next door And I feel just like a whore And my torment will never end Because I hurt a friend I'm so sorry, Vic.
Wait a sec, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did I understand that 30-minute song correctly? Did you two get it on? [laughs nervously.]
You bing-banged Kevin in his basement? On your water couch.
My couch? I just had it chlorinated! - Shit, man! - Whoa! Everybody out! And don't forget to take your fucking gift bags! [screaming.]
I fucking trusted you, you backstabbing couch! What else did you fuck him on, the TV? My gold records? The ceiling? Time to go.
[screaming.]
[music.]
Push me through! Push me through! All right, pull yourself together, Vic.
You can handle this.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt, man.
Breathing fire! [snorts deeply.]
- [gunshot.]
- [Vic.]
Whoo! - I can quit any time I want! - [gunshots.]
- [glass shatters.]
- # Lick that pickle, baby # - # Pull it from a jar # - [gunshot.]
I think he's dead.
- Better pee on him just to be sure.
- [Jimmy.]
No [all.]
Ah! He's alive! Run! Guys, wait! We got to take him to the hospital! We ain't going to no doctor.
They want to vassinate us.
I don't like clean needles! God damn it.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
I won't let you die.
[groans.]
Coma punch.
[panting.]
My name is Bill Murphy, and my friend had an accident, and it's all my fault.
I was trying to play a trick on him.
Well, for corn sakes! We'll take care of him.
Just tell me, what kind of acid did you pour on his face? None.
That's the way he always looks.
- Oh, dear.
- Fuck you, lady.
[Sue.]
I can't believe you! This is a competition? That you're trying to win? You know, I went to a poker night once without telling Jan and Shut up, Clark! I spent 15 years raising your children, and the one time I try to do something that makes me feel good about myself, you don't want me to get it because it threatens you? How could you say that? You were the one who wanted me to go deeper, Sue! Well, congratulations! You dig for oil, sometimes you hit a sewer pipe! And now it's all out there! So who wants to puke up their life next? [inhales.]
I like dick.
- What? - I like dick, Ginny.
I like looking at it.
I like stroking it.
I like sucking it.
You know when I get that far away look in my eyes? I'm thinking about dick.
I'm getting aroused now just talking about it.
I want it.
I want dick more than I want world peace.
- What are you trying to say? - I'm a homosexual, Ginny! I've been living a lie.
And so have you.
I'm so sorry, but that's who I am.
- No, you are not.
- Ginny, listen to me.
Now, I'm gonna go outside to look at constellations.
You have exactly five minutes to stop playing this silly game.
- Just divorce me, my darling! - [Ginny.]
No way, mister! Mr.
Toad, did I dream that, or did I really shoot up my house? No dream.
You shot it up.
Ah, shit, man.
Thanks for being honest.
[croaks.]
[groans.]
[beeps.]
- [robotic voice.]
Two new messages.
- [beeps.]
Sue, it's Vivian.
Tomorrow's the big day.
Henrietta's presenting the Salad Tosser at the stockholder's meeting.
Wear something successful.
I'm going with cleavage, so you show a lot of leg.
[beeps.]
Frank, it's Bob Pogo.
Operation Half-Head is a go.
We're getting rid of Scoop tomorrow.
[beeps.]
Hey, good luck getting your job back.
I sure hope you don't fail.
See, wasn't that hard, was it? Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes, the old [makes nagging sound.]
I don't [makes nagging sound.]
you asshole! The hell you don't! For 15 years I've had to Mom, Dad? Are you fighting? [both.]
Yes! I was on the search to be a man Fed up with just The company of my hand I finally got laid And now the piper must be paid Pay p-pay pay paid The torment will never end 'Cause I hurt a friend I hurt him bad.
[man.]
Pick up your axe!
Forty-five bottles of trust on the wall Forty-five bottles of trust Take one down, pass it around Forty-four bottles of trust On the wall On the wall Dear God, you let me survive Korea for this? Oh, Frank, if that's gonna be your attitude the whole time, - you might not survive this bus ride.
- You're right, honey.
I want our marriage to get better, and I'll do whatever I can to make this weekend work.
And I'm sorry I said this bus was worse than the rice-eating commies trying to kill me.
Thank you, Frank.
That's a start.
Well, I don't know about you, but all those bottles of trust have me ready to burst.
I hope there's a bathroom around here.
There's a rest stop just around the bend at exit 37.
Take the service road past the ranger station and it's on the left.
It's very quiet.
No cops.
That's my Greg! He's like my own personal auto club.
Father, Sue and I really want to fix our marriage.
As soon as we get to the lake, could you start doing whatever it is you do? You know, like, pray, take out that smoke thing, fling that water hammer you got? Oh, Frank, I'm not a wizard with a wand and magic spells.
That's the stuff of fairy tales.
I'm a priest of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who was born of a virgin and walked on water.
The only solution for you and Sue is to engage each other and share your deepest feelings.
In front of people? I'm not doing that! [chuckles.]
See? You're already making progress! You just shared a very deep feeling.
- Absolute panic! - I know! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [on radio.]
# It's a puppy dog, cotton candy day # [radio DJ.]
All right, the Sunday Funday Corey Mars-athon continues.
Eating cotton candy And thinking of Christy This fucking station sucks now.
[polka music playing.]
This sounds like ass, but at least they mean it.
Bet that tuba player gets miles of pussy.
[TV announcer.]
What It Is with your host Jim Jeffords.
[Jeffords.]
My guest this Sunday morning is Chairman of the Black Liberation Alliance for Black Liberation, Tecumseh X Du Bois.
May I ask what was wrong with your birth name, Jefferson Davis? I got rid of my slave name when I was falsely incarcerated and had my dignity stripped away by whitey.
I can relate.
I was once bumped from a squash court by Whitey Ford.
The only avenue to right an injustice is through armed action.
If I had wrongfully imprisoned someone, I'd be very scared right now.
Oh Good morning, dumb-dumb.
Ah, shut the curtains! Shut the curtains! What are you, the world's first pussy vampire? It's none of your business.
I get it.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons is gonna kill you for fingering him for that hockey stick you stole.
How did you know that? Can you read minds, too? No, I'm doing something harder: reading Jimmy's penmanship.
Let's dig him up and take his belt.
And I can wear his face for Halloween! Get out of here, you guys! I'm trying not to be seen! - Ah! It's Zombie Bill! - Ah! I'm not dead.
- There's only one way to prove it.
- [grunts.]
Ow! My balls! Does that mean he's alive? I forget.
Let's pee on him to be sure.
Get out of here! [both.]
Ah! Welcome to our first morning of "Pray Away the Hurt.
" God has provided us with a lovely day and also with Ginny and Greg, our biggest success story, who are our senior counselors.
Thank you, Father.
Frank, Sue, Jan, Clark, you've taken a very brave step by coming here today.
One that will save your marriage, just like it saved Greg and me.
All with the loving help of our Lord, Jesus.
Oh, you've got a swimmer's body.
Sorry.
Go ahead, honey.
Before we found the light, it felt like our marriage was finished.
But with the help of Father Pat, Greg opened up.
He came to me in tears and I'll never forget how he said it, "Ginny, I love you, but I'm gayning too much weight from your cooking.
" That's what I said! I was hurt, but I accepted it, and I accepted him.
Now, he goes out every night and finds his own dinner.
And he comes home in a great mood, with a hot meal in his tummy, and all is right in the world of Ginny and Greg Throater.
Now, let's go around the circle, and each of you tell us how you're feeling.
I am feeling like killing myself right now.
Frank, you can do this.
Take baby steps.
No one's expecting you to bare your soul.
My doctor says my vagina has calcium deposits resembling teeth.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Wow.
Ouchy.
[rock music playing.]
Bonsoir, party animals! Hey, my main man! My half man! My ice man! Holy shit, Kevin.
Every DJ from the KWOCK is gonna see us play today.
- Black Bob from Baltimore - Wicked Warren Ullnee.
And that's David Bowie! Oh, wait, it's just a sick lady.
Kevin, come on, get ready.
We want to go over early and finish off people's drinks before they throw cigarettes in them.
Look, there's something I got to tell you guys.
It's been really weighing on me.
Vic's throwing this party for his girlfriend, right? - Well - Oh, man, she's so hot! Oh, I'd give a thousand guys a thousand hand jobs just to bone her! Wait.
Is that one hand job each or a thousand hand jobs per guy? - One each! I'm not a fairy! - I can't talk to you jerks! I feel like I'm being ripped apart! - I don't think I can do this gig! - Oh, you are doing it! This is our big chance and you're not gonna let us down.
Now, grow some balls and put on your fucking eye liner! [TV announcer.]
I'm here with Reid Harrison, host of the sixth annual Colt Luger Pro Am.
So, Reid, what should we expect from Colt Luger this year? I don't know.
I don't write that crap.
I don't even do my own stunts.
A Chinaman in a wig does them for me.
The way you pronounce his name is by dropping a tray of silverware.
Hey, sweetheart, another one.
[TV announcer.]
ABS apologizes for Reid's behavior.
- [pounding on door.]
- He hasn't been himself.
His Malibu steakhouse collapsed into the ocean yesterday.
Where's your brother? He was supposed to deliver these papers hours ago! - Uh, he's not here.
- Yeah, and I'm Spiro T.
Agnew.
Hey! I know you can hear me, you little red-headed fuck! I'll deliver these, but it's coming out of your pay.
You don't mess with Randy! All right? Randy will kill a kid! [polka music playing on radio.]
Oh, man.
Jimmy's gonna kill me! Then Randy's gonna kill me! I'll be dead twice! What do I do, Maureen? Well, maybe you can start by apologizing to Phillip.
That way you can die in each other's arms.
Shut up! Oh, shit.
Hey, Bill.
I, uh, I thought you might like this.
Ooh, Willie Stargell.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
Thanks.
Why is all your furniture covered in plastic? Oh, Nana pees a little bit when she watches Dialing for Dollars.
Listen, I shouldn't have said some of that stuff yesterday.
It's okay.
I was cruel to you, too.
I disemboweled you in my diary.
What the hell does that mean? Uh, uh [Bill.]
Oh Agh This is how I get my feelings out when my ears get hot.
Wow, this is really fucked up.
Sometimes I don't remember drawing them.
You're a genius at this stuff! Maybe you could think of a way to get Jimmy to leave us alone.
It is a subject I visit on occasion.
[Bill.]
Holy shit.
What I wouldn't give for one more chance to show my dad that I could safely make homemade fireworks.
[sobs.]
It's not your fault, Clark.
He put gun powder in a coffee can, Sue.
Oh, my Clarkie.
Clark, you just earned an honesty star.
See? When couples are honest with each other, it brings them closer together.
Frank, it's your turn.
Tell us how you're feeling.
- I don't know how I feel.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
I was always taught to keep things to myself.
We didn't burden other people with our problems.
It was considered impolite.
That was the old way of thinking.
Come on, honey.
You can do this.
Frank, how do you feel? I'm pissed off you're bugging me about this! Pissed off.
That's an emotion.
It really makes me mad.
Beating the same drum, but that's good.
I feel like you were the kind of kid that me and my friends - would have thrown into a pond! - Okay.
Keep going, Frank.
Dig deeper.
Why are you mad? I'm mad because we had to come on this thing to make our marriage better, but I don't know how the hell it went bad in the first place.
All I know is everything was great with us when I had my old job, and now I'm stuck with you people in a dumpy cabin that reeks of deer piss and pipe tobacco, and all we have is this cheap, watery peanut butter you got to stir first before you put it on the bread! Where's the goddamn Skippy? That's good, Frank! Open that door! How can you say that's good? He's awful.
Me? You married a father killer! [sobs.]
Okay.
Close that door a little bit.
Let's take a break, shall we? I'll make some coffee.
[all.]
No! [rock music playing.]
Did you see the ice sculpture I got just for you? We can celebrate the permanence of our love as we watch it slowly melt away.
Two grand well spent.
[laughs nervously.]
I need a drink.
I knew you'd love it! Out of my way, full-growns! Here we go.
It's almost time.
We'll be so famous after this, our dicks are gonna be like magnets.
Wouldn't that mean they'd attract other dicks? That's not how dick magnets work! Tonight's your night, Kevin.
You guys are gonna show these people the truth.
You're so pure, I wish I could snort you up.
That's so nice of you, Vic, but there's something I need to Hey, there's my boss! I didn't invite him.
Guess he always knows where the party's at.
Guys, today we bully the bully.
We're gonna get Jimmy so good, he'll never mess with us again.
And he'll move on to bully someone smaller and weaker than us.
- Thanks for bringing the rope.
- We's happy to oblige.
Just as long as we get it back to Daddy so he can have his happy alone time in his closet.
Okay, let's go over the plan one more time.
Phillip? [Phillip.]
Bill and I will bait Jimmy with incendiary remarks.
When he gives chase, you two pull the rope taut, knocking him off his bike and into the wagon.
Lady Gravity will carry him downhill as we pelt him with rocks on his journey to his final destination, the construction site port-o-potty.
Then the fecal matter in his scratch marks will lead to a severe infection which will Jesus Christ! You got a lot of evil in that big fucking head! My mom says I'm going to grow into it.
Empathy is an important part of any relationship.
That's why we're going to move on to an exercise called "role playing.
" [all.]
Ooh.
Greg, let's show everyone how it's done.
[in deep voice.]
"I'm Greg.
I'm so manly.
I build stone walls with my bare hands, yet I have the soul of a poet.
And I love my Ginny.
" "I'm Ginny.
I'm a beautiful, trusting soul.
I'm a wonderful mother, and I'm raising two magnificent sons.
And I deserve a real marriage, not a cheap, hollow imitation!" Oh, look at those tears of joy! Excellent.
Frank and Sue, your turn to role play.
Frank, put yourself in Sue's place.
How do you see her? I've been married too long to be dumb enough to answer that question.
Come on, Frank.
This is why we came here.
I know you can do this.
All right.
"I'm Sue.
I'm a good-looking broad and I make a decent deviled egg.
The end.
" Agh "I'm Frank.
I tell Sue I want to work on our marriage, but I'm not willing to go beyond the surface and say what's really bothering me about her.
" Oh, okay.
I see how this works.
It's all my fault.
"I threw a hissy fit at Frank for working a few extra shifts while I abandoned my children just to follow my dream of drying the world's lettuce.
" "I call how my wife puts food on the table 'her little hobby!'" "And I remember every fucking thing Frank ever said and I keep a list up here so whenever he fucks up I can just Agh, agh, agh!" Oh, honey, you'll never be like that.
Oh, he will.
And you'll turn him into it! You know how? With your constant fucking [makes nagging sound.]
Oh, it must make you feel like a big man to step on my dreams.
We had a deal! We had another deal.
It was called a marriage vow! Remember that, Susan? For better or for worse? Well, "worse" happened.
I lost my job and how did you support me? I got a job to feed the whole goddamn family! Yeah, a job where you're doing better than me! [gasps.]
[gasps.]
You know what you just did, Frank? You let us in.
I did.
That's the first step towards healing, allowing us to see that beneath your gruff exterior, you're actually quite sensitive.
I guess I am.
He's actually an asshole.
Jeez, I feel like I'm at home.
[rock music playing.]
The immortal Mort Rosenthal! Shalom! Welcome to my home.
Help yourself.
The candies are in the bowl, the Quaaludes are in that bowl.
And if you want to lick a toad, they're swimming in the sink.
Thank you, but it is the Sabbath.
I actually came here to give you some bad news.
We're going to have to let you go.
You're firing me? Let's be honest, Vic.
Your drug use is seriously affecting your performance.
Why are you springing this on me now? Vic, we've had this exact conversation five times.
I keep firing you and you keep showing up.
I need you to clean out your desk by noon tomorrow.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tell my wife I'm divorcing her.
All right, Vic, now, time to keep it together for Cutie Pie.
Smile, God damn it! [groans.]
All right, you swanky fuckers! Your attention, please! Get ready to rock.
This special day is for my special lady, the love of my life, my Cutie Pie.
You are the apple of my eye, the thump in my heart, and the only thing in my life that keeps me real.
[giggles.]
Did you just hear that? Did everyone else's ears just pop? Now let's kick off the entertainment.
Coming to the stage is a power trio of righteous dudes fronted by a young man who I've really come to admire.
I'm so happy he's chasing his dream, and I'm proud to call him my friend.
Mr.
Kevin Murphy! Oh, man.
Tonight he's gonna take us all to the moon, unlike those liars at NASA.
Where'd the lunar buggy come from? They put it together with a wrench? This band's gonna rock! Crickets make that sound with their legs.
Hey, come on! Here's Merlin's Monocle! Thank you, Vic.
You're a great guy.
I really mean it.
Let's rock it! A-one, two, three, four! [rock music plays.]
Wait, stop! I can't rock right now with this burden on my soul.
- Let me borrow this.
- Kevin, what the fuck? A great man once told me that when you take the stage, people see right into your soul.
Man, I'd love to meet that dude.
But my soul is troubled.
There's something I got to say.
This is the only way I know how to say it.
I was on a search to be a man Fed up with just The company of my hand I finally got laid But now the piper must be paid Oh, shit.
He must be paid p-p-paid paid P-p-p-paid paid P-p-p-paid paid, paid [voice trembles.]
[man.]
Pick up your axe! I'm living a lie But the hurtful truth is night He said them toads are in the sink, right? Thirteen, fourteen, five-teen.
Hey, Jimmy.
[chuckles.]
I see the pussies have come for their punishment.
Uh, how'd you get those ears, Jimmy? Did your dad fuck an elephant? Are you out of your fucking mind? Your mother does sex for money.
My mom's never earned a dollar in her life! I'm gonna pull your hearts out through your assholes! Go! [grunting.]
[music.]
Now! Huh? - Oh, shit.
- It always worked in my kill book.
Nice try, dickweeds! [both.]
Ah! I'm gonna cut your nose off and shove it up your ass so you'll go through life smelling [grunts.]
Oh, man.
Not again.
[Randy.]
My name is Jimmy Fitzsimmons! [polka music playing.]
Sue, when I got fired, I lost two jobs: Mohican and being head of our house.
You go off and get this job, which is fine.
But then you invent your salad thing.
And it's a really good idea.
It's brilliant.
That's why, I don't know, I guess it bugs me that my dream's in the past and yours is ahead of you.
It looks like you're gonna do a lot better than me.
But as a man, I have to be doing better, or what am I? And that's why, I guess, deep down, in a roundabout way, I was hoping that you'd fail.
That was really brave of you to say that, Frank.
You know, in the book of Job - You motherfucker! - Ow! She was the girl of the guy next door And I feel just like a whore And my torment will never end Because I hurt a friend I'm so sorry, Vic.
Wait a sec, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did I understand that 30-minute song correctly? Did you two get it on? [laughs nervously.]
You bing-banged Kevin in his basement? On your water couch.
My couch? I just had it chlorinated! - Shit, man! - Whoa! Everybody out! And don't forget to take your fucking gift bags! [screaming.]
I fucking trusted you, you backstabbing couch! What else did you fuck him on, the TV? My gold records? The ceiling? Time to go.
[screaming.]
[music.]
Push me through! Push me through! All right, pull yourself together, Vic.
You can handle this.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt.
Dragon on your shirt, man.
Breathing fire! [snorts deeply.]
- [gunshot.]
- [Vic.]
Whoo! - I can quit any time I want! - [gunshots.]
- [glass shatters.]
- # Lick that pickle, baby # - # Pull it from a jar # - [gunshot.]
I think he's dead.
- Better pee on him just to be sure.
- [Jimmy.]
No [all.]
Ah! He's alive! Run! Guys, wait! We got to take him to the hospital! We ain't going to no doctor.
They want to vassinate us.
I don't like clean needles! God damn it.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
I won't let you die.
[groans.]
Coma punch.
[panting.]
My name is Bill Murphy, and my friend had an accident, and it's all my fault.
I was trying to play a trick on him.
Well, for corn sakes! We'll take care of him.
Just tell me, what kind of acid did you pour on his face? None.
That's the way he always looks.
- Oh, dear.
- Fuck you, lady.
[Sue.]
I can't believe you! This is a competition? That you're trying to win? You know, I went to a poker night once without telling Jan and Shut up, Clark! I spent 15 years raising your children, and the one time I try to do something that makes me feel good about myself, you don't want me to get it because it threatens you? How could you say that? You were the one who wanted me to go deeper, Sue! Well, congratulations! You dig for oil, sometimes you hit a sewer pipe! And now it's all out there! So who wants to puke up their life next? [inhales.]
I like dick.
- What? - I like dick, Ginny.
I like looking at it.
I like stroking it.
I like sucking it.
You know when I get that far away look in my eyes? I'm thinking about dick.
I'm getting aroused now just talking about it.
I want it.
I want dick more than I want world peace.
- What are you trying to say? - I'm a homosexual, Ginny! I've been living a lie.
And so have you.
I'm so sorry, but that's who I am.
- No, you are not.
- Ginny, listen to me.
Now, I'm gonna go outside to look at constellations.
You have exactly five minutes to stop playing this silly game.
- Just divorce me, my darling! - [Ginny.]
No way, mister! Mr.
Toad, did I dream that, or did I really shoot up my house? No dream.
You shot it up.
Ah, shit, man.
Thanks for being honest.
[croaks.]
[groans.]
[beeps.]
- [robotic voice.]
Two new messages.
- [beeps.]
Sue, it's Vivian.
Tomorrow's the big day.
Henrietta's presenting the Salad Tosser at the stockholder's meeting.
Wear something successful.
I'm going with cleavage, so you show a lot of leg.
[beeps.]
Frank, it's Bob Pogo.
Operation Half-Head is a go.
We're getting rid of Scoop tomorrow.
[beeps.]
Hey, good luck getting your job back.
I sure hope you don't fail.
See, wasn't that hard, was it? Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes, the old [makes nagging sound.]
I don't [makes nagging sound.]
you asshole! The hell you don't! For 15 years I've had to Mom, Dad? Are you fighting? [both.]
Yes! I was on the search to be a man Fed up with just The company of my hand I finally got laid And now the piper must be paid Pay p-pay pay paid The torment will never end 'Cause I hurt a friend I hurt him bad.
[man.]
Pick up your axe!