Family Ties (1982) s02e09 Episode Script

I bet we've been together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed and I can't remember what I ever did before what would we do, baby without us? what would we do, baby without us? and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through ooh-hoo what would we do, baby without us? sha-la-la-la.
Elyse: And now, direct from the Keaton household, the moment you've all been waiting for, the lighting of the Christmas tree! Oh, it's beautiful! Mallory: You sure know how to pick them, dad.
Steven: Thank you, thank you.
Oh, this is the best ever.
It must have taken you a long time to pick this one out.
No, no, no.
I knew this was the one for us the moment I backed into it with the car.
We get more things that way.
Oh, look, it's starting to snow! Oh, that's perfect.
Snow on Christmas Eve.
Mwah! What could be better? They can put a man on the moon, but they can't stop this white slop from falling out of the sky.
Merry Christmas to you, too, Alex.
Take it easy with the merry christmases, will ya, ma? This holiday is a silly, sentimental farce.
It's phony.
People just pretend to have this so-called Christmas spirit.
We can't all have this natural yuletide verve that you possess.
Did you remember to get the cough syrup for Jennifer? No, I forgot.
I'll, uh I'll get it tomorrow.
Tomorrow's Christmas, Alex.
Yeah, so? So the stores will be closed.
All day? Boy, this thing is really getting out of hand.
Look, sorry I forgot.
I'll tell you what.
If this thing gets any worse, I'll, uh I'll take you to the emergency room myself.
All right, but don't try to count that as my present.
Can't beat the present he gave me last year.
I gave you a present last year? Yeah, you took the garbage out for me.
Right, right.
Well, uh Don't expect any of that sloppy sentiment this year.
Oh, that reminds me.
Listen, I know it's kind of late, but can we make an arrangement here? Uh, I say we don't exchange gifts this year, huh? How about it? That's a heartwarming thought, Alex, but, uh, we've already got our gifts for you.
Ah! You know, Alex, just because you're an old scrooge, why do the rest of us have to suffer? Because we're family, Jennifer.
We do things together.
All right, I think it is time to take a picture.
Everybody, take your positions for the traditional Keaton Christmas photo.
Elyse: Come on, join us, Alex.
You know your spot.
Come on, Alex.
The timer is set.
You've got 11 seconds.
Forget it.
Forget it.
I refuse to participate in this ridiculous ceremony for a ridiculous holiday.
Elyse: Oh, come on.
I can't believe you guys.
The same old stupid poses.
Oh, and, uh, don't try airbrushing me in later.
Alex All: Merry Christmas.
Christmas cheer.
Who needs it? Just another holiday.
You don't see people falling all over themselves on Columbus day.
Carolers: * god rest ye merry gentlemen * what? let nothing you dismay remember Christ our Hey! Boy: Hi, Mr.
Keaton! Christmas cheer to you, sir.
Get off the lawn before I call the cops.
And take the rest of those clowns with you.
Oh, sorry, reverend.
Reverend: Seasons greetings.
God bless you, Alex.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is wrong with these people? You show them a little snow, they break into song about chestnuts nipping at your nose.
Christmas.
Bah, humbug! What? Who's there? Jennifer, what are you doing here? I am not Jennifer.
I am the ghost of Christmas past.
Yeah, and I'm ed McMahon.
Look get out of here, will you? You're smoking up the whole room.
On second thought, why don't you sit down? Arise, Alex, and come hither, for I am charged with showing you the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey, I'm not coming hither.
Unh-unh.
No way.
Alex, come hither.
I'm coming hither.
I'm hither.
A ghost, huh? Of course I'm a ghost.
If I were a person, I would have come through the door.
Where are we going? Just grab my sleeve.
We're going to a place you know.
Hey, look out for the wall.
Wah! Whoa! The living room? You got me out of bed to show me the living room? Wait a minute.
What's with this furniture? This isn't our living room.
Yes, it is 10 years ago on Christmas morning.
dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh o'er the fields we go hey, that's mom.
* laughing all the ha-ha-ha-ha! * h-hey, mom! Mom, over here.
* bells on bobtail ring it's me Alex.
She can't hear you, Alex.
She can't see you, either.
Oh, mom, I've been looking all over for you.
Hey.
Hey, that's me! Ha! That's me! I finished balancing your checkbook, mom.
Oh! Thank you, Alex.
I started on your tax returns, but I can't do much until you get your w-2s.
I don't want a repeat of what happened last year.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Alex.
That was our fault.
Yeah, but I'm the one that sweated out the audit.
Alex: That's Mallory.
Mommy, can we open up presents now? Please, please, please, please, please? She always had a way with words.
In a minute, honey.
Mallory, all you think about are opening the presents.
Can you please exercise a little discipline and self-control? I already exercised today, so there, Alex! Never was an even match, was it? Alex, please don't turn on the TV.
We're gonna open the presents in a minute.
Mom, this won't take long.
There's something I have to see.
Man: And further evidence emerged today linking president Nixon with the Watergate break-in of last year.
This is a witch-hunt! They're persecuting an innocent man.
Look at that.
Is that the face of a crook? Alex, turn off the set.
He's spoiling my Christmas spirit.
Come on, now.
Sit up here.
Mallory.
Okay, now can we open the presents? Please, please, please, please, please? No, and I'll tell you why.
Because we're expecting a visitor from the north pole! Right now! I said we're gonna have a very special visitor from the north pole! Hey! Steven: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody! Well, if it isn't Alex and Mallory Keaton.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, pop.
Getting too smart for me.
I guess I better stick with Jennifer.
Oh, hi, baby! Ho, ho, ho! Dada.
You fooled me.
Well, merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas, dad.
Can we open the presents now? I'm so excited.
Oh, sure.
Sure.
Well, this one is for Mallory.
And this one is for Alex.
A telephone.
Hello? Nobody's there.
Good grief.
It's a pretend phone, Mallory.
You can talk on it all day long.
So that's how it began.
Go ahead and open yours now, Alex.
No, you open your presents first.
That's the real joy.
Watching other people enjoy your presents.
Hear that, Alex? I heard it.
I heard it.
Hey, I have an idea.
Before we open the rest of the presents, let's take a picture around the tree.
Yeah! Okay, the camera's all set.
Let's pose like we're decorating it, then every Christmas, we'll take the same picture with the same pose.
What a good idea! Oh, okay.
That was my idea? Get ready, everyone.
Okay.
All: Merry Christmas! Come on.
Now let's sing a Christmas Carol.
Oh, okay.
Elyse? the first Noel all: * the angels did say was to certain poor Shepherds in fields as they lay we must go now.
But Our visit here is over.
But they're But they're singing.
It it's so nice.
I don't want to go yet.
I'm sorry.
Can't we stay just a-a little longer? Please? No, we can't.
Regulations, Alex.
Noel Noel, Noel born is That was beautiful.
That was really beautiful.
Can we can we go back there later? I'm sorry.
You can't go home again.
Well, here we are.
Home again.
Have you learned anything tonight? Look, I realize I may have gone a little overboard earlier this evening.
Maybe I have lost some of my youthful zest for Christmas.
And I and I feel badly about it.
And And I'm gonna change.
That's good to hear.
Okay, so, uh Merry Christmas to all, and to all, particularly you, a good night.
Uh, you mind closing the wall behind you? Oh, no.
You, too, Mallory? My shift is over, Alex.
She's here to relieve me.
I don't believe this.
Farewell.
I hope someone gets me a smoke alarm for Christmas.
Arise, Alex, and come I know.
I'm hither.
I'm hither.
I am the ghost of Christmas future.
Uh, look, can we do this later? I-I just got in from Christmas past and I'm a little tired.
You must go, Alex.
You must see what the future holds.
Am I gonna like it? I don't think so.
Then, uh, I don't want to go.
You have no choice.
Welcome to the future, Alex.
What a dump.
This can't be our house.
How did this happen? The Keaton family fell upon hard times, Alex.
All of us? Oh, you're okay.
You live in New York now.
You're a very wealthy man.
What a shame about the family.
Just how wealthy am I? dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh hey, that old lady looks like mom.
That's mom.
Yup, and she's all spruced up for Christmas.
What's with the laundry? Oh, that's how they eke out an existence now.
Mom takes in people's laundry.
Steven! Come on down and see our Christmas tree! You got a tree? Oh, how do you like it? Wonderful! The most beautiful tree we've had in years.
Uh-huh.
Why didn't I buy them a better tree? You said I had a lot of money.
Uh, by the way, when you said "a lot of money," did you mean, like, uh Alex, that's not important.
Right, right.
Hello, mother.
Oh, Mallory! Whoa, she really put on weight.
She's pregnant, and I think she looks radiant.
Where's her husband? Oh, he's in debtor's prison.
You put him there.
He couldn't repay the money you lent him for his grandmother's operation.
Ooh, Jennifer's home from work early today.
Oh! Ugh! Park your wheelbarrow outside, honey! Wheelbarrow? She sells dirt.
Oh, no.
Come in and see our tree, Jennifer.
Where is it? Right here.
Oh, wow.
What's the matter with her voice? She has a very advanced sore throat.
She's had a cold for 30 years now.
Been trying to save up for some cough syrup.
Oh.
Jennifer, I'm sorry.
I-I-i meant to get you the cough medicine.
I really did.
Forget it, Alex.
She can't hear you.
What a beautiful tree.
That's a terrible tree.
Why didn't dad just back over a tree like he used to do? No car.
That wheelbarrow's their only means of transportation.
Let's decorate it! Oh.
Do we still have our tinsel? Mm, right right Right here.
Mm.
Ooh! It's beautiful.
Oh, why Why are you crying, honey? I remember when Alex sold us that tinsel At cost.
It's Alex! Oh! Oh! Oh, will you look at that helicopter? He he's landing in the front yard.
Oh! Ah! He crushed the wheelbarrow Our only means of transportation.
I'll buy you a new one, Jennifer.
I promise.
Mallory: He's getting out! What's he carrying? Oh! A bag! He brought us Christmas presents! Oh! Ugh! There, you see? I'm I'm really a nice guy.
I'm bringing them presents.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, no.
What happened to me? You lost your spirit.
Never mind my spirit.
What about my hair? Mom.
Uh, mom? Let go of the coat.
Oh.
A thousand pardons.
Have you come to spend Christmas with us? Spend Christmas here? Ha ha ha! Well, that's funny, right? All: Ha, ha, ha! Where are you going on this glorious holiday, this holiest of holy days? Vegas.
I just thought I'd stop by, drop off the laundry.
Oh! Oh, Alex, thank you! Oh, Steven, he's gonna let me do his laundry again! Boy, you really let this place go.
That's a nice tree, though.
So Mom, dad what you been up to? Oh, the usual.
Trying to eke out an existence in a depressed economy.
Are you still harping about losing your job? No, I-i thought it over, and I decided you were right to fire me.
Oh, will you stop that infernal coughing? Sorry, sir.
So, Mallory Barefoot and pregnant again, huh? What you gonna name this one? Uh, "Alex" Just like the other four.
Well, as long as you don't expect me to treat 'em like family.
Alex is right, Mallory.
He's been so good to us already with this visit and the laundry.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed my company.
I don't feel comfortable here.
I'm ashamed of all of you.
Merry Christmas.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
These people need food.
You you can't leave them like this.
Hey, listen to me.
Oh.
Come back here.
Look, I'm your I'm you! Ciao.
Save your breath, Alex.
You can't hear you.
Merry Christmas! Wait a minute! Come back here, you tightwad! Come back! Give them some money! Boy, I didn't enjoy that at all.
Not a pretty picture, eh, Alex? Horrible.
Tell me, Mallory, I-i got to know.
Does that future have to be? Can I change it? I don't want to be bald.
Relax, Alex.
The future's the only thing you can change.
I can? What what What do I have to do? Tell me.
Be good to your family, share your good fortune with others, and, most importantly, massage your scalp every night.
I will, I promise.
Aw, thanks.
Thanks for showing me the jerk I've been in the past and and the jerk I'm gonna be in the future.
And don't forget the jerk you are in the present.
dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh can't we open the presents yet? o'er the fields we go can't we? Please, please, please, please, please? Oh, all right, maybe just a couple.
We could open mine.
We promised Alex we'd wait till he got back.
But from where? He wouldn't even tell us where he was going.
Yeah, he might have left the country forever.
Maybe that's his present to us.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Alex? Hey, can't fool dad Old St.
Nick himself.
Alex, where have you been? Shopping.
You know, I realized that it's Christmas morning and I had no way of showing how I feel about all of you, how much I-i care about you, how important you are to me on this day of days.
Maybe the beard's on too tight.
What's in the bag? Presents.
Something for everyone.
Now, you got to keep in mind with these gifts that it's the thought that counts, okay? The only place open this morning was a 7-Eleven.
Dad, merry Christmas.
A cup of coffee.
Alex, how did you know? You've been hinting all year.
Mallory.
Alex Beef jerky.
You must have read my diary.
For you, mom.
It was the last one.
A "TV guide.
" I'm speechless.
Hey, you don't have to speak.
You can read.
Jennifer A six-pack of cough syrup.
You are never selling dirt while I'm alive.
Dirt? What else is in here, Alex? Oh, nothing, nothing.
"Bald no more.
Massage into scalp every night " uh, give me that.
Give me that.
Alex, this is a a very nice surprise.
You know, last night, I-I learned a little something about myself.
I realized I've been missing out on something.
And I have, uh I have Mallory And Jennifer to thank for it.
Oh! Almost forgot.
One more thing.
I found a one-hour laundry open.
I had everyone's clothes cleaned and pressed.
I don't want you to ever do laundry again, mom.
One more thing.
Mwah.
Hit it, reverend.
Carolers: * joy to the world the lord is come let earth receive her king Alex, what has gotten into you? I'm happy.
Can't a guy be happy on Christmas? I mean, look Look at this house.
There's no laundry hanging across the room.
We have a tree with real needles.
Jennifer's clean.
Mallory's not pregnant.
What?! What?! What?! I said, "Mallory's not president.
" But, hey, in this country, she could be.
I just want you all to know that, uh you're the most important people in the world to me.
And I know I don't show it sometimes, but I love you all very much.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Alex.
All right, it is time for a picture.
All right, we I guess we don't have to be so, uh So formal this time.
Just pose any way you want.
No, wait.
Wait a minute.
Dad, this is Christmas morning.
We got to do this right.
Traditional Keaton Christmas positions.
Steven: All right.
Okay! Hurry up.
Oh, be careful of the tree, honey.
Got it? Oh, yes.
Honey, quick, quick, quick.
Here it comes.
Perfect.
All: Merry Christmas!