Father Ted s02e09 Episode Script

'And it's Divorce Referendum in the lead, followed by Glory Be To God.
'Glory Be To God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum.
' Come on, Divorce Referendum! Come on! 'Divorce Referendum is way in front.
'Divorce Referendum is speeding towards victory.
' - Yes, yes! - 'Oh, no!' 'Disaster for Divorce Referendum 'as he turns in the opposite direction 'and simply runs off the course.
' Oh, flip! You flipping, flipping flipper! Oh, it's the knacker's yard for you, pal! (Door bangs ) (Man on radio ) 'So what role do you see the Church assuming?' Hello, Ted.
What are you listening to? Oh, it's just a programme about the Church and God and so on.
Oh, right.
Right.
Where's Father Jack, Dougal? - Where's Father Jack? - Yes.
Father Jack, where is he? He's in his Oh.
- Erm - You've lost him again, right? I have, Ted, yeah.
You took him out for a walk and you lost himagain.
That must've been what happened all right.
So what have you got to say for yourself? Well, like I said the last time, it won't happen again.
Dougal, are you not going to go and look for him? Ted, he'll come back.
What's the worst that can happen? He could have an accident and be killed.
Oh.
Er, wait a second, Ted.
Is that not Jack there? (Snoring) Ah, Dougal.
You didn't even get him out the door, did you? I thought the wheelchair felt a bit lighter today all right.
Come on, help me get him up.
(Groaning) (Jack muttering) - Dougal, take off his gloves.
- Right so, Ted.
- Ted.
- Hmm? Ted, they're not gloves.
God, they're very hairy hands altogether, aren't they? - What's wrong? - I don't know.
Do you remember the time his head went septic? Yes.
I mean, I didn't think a whole head could go septic.
I mean, a whole head, you know? But that's Jack for you.
I'd better look in the book.
Right.
Hold his hand up there, Dougal.
Well, he got up to stage four after drinking that brake fluid.
I think this could be a stage six.
- Hello to the lot of yous.
- Hello, Mrs Doyle.
Ah, would you look at him there with his hairy hands? Yes, and we're going to have to call Dr Sinnot.
He's good.
I had to go myself a couple of weeks ago.
Really? I didn't know you were ill.
What was the trouble? A bit of a woman's problem.
I was having a bit of trouble I'd better ring him before it's too late! (Phone buzzes ) - So it's the hairy hands.
- Yes.
- A stage six? - It looks like it, yeah.
I'll get ready upstairs.
Ted, why is Jack so scared of doctors? They remind him of illness and his own mortality.
He hated visiting the sick.
Oh, God, he hates the sick.
And the poor as well.
- The poor really got on his nerves.
- And the needy.
(Sighing) Them as well.
What was it he used to say? He had a term for them.
- A shower of bastards.
- That was it.
When we bring the doctor in, just behave normal.
Just pretend he's a normal visitor.
We don't want Jack to suspect anything.
Doctor? Ready? All right, in you go.
Remember completely normal.
So it's off to St Clabbert's again, Doctor? Yes.
It's more for your sake than for his.
That hair thing can be very contagious.
- How long will they have him? - Hard to say.
Could be for a while.
Actually, you should be prepared.
It might be better for his own sake if he doesn't come back.
Great! I mean, oh, no.
We'll just have to grin and bear it, I suppose.
I'll try and break it to him gently.
Thanks, Doctor.
Yes! Wahey! Father Jack? Do you remember that great time you had at St Clabbert's? Remember the fun you had with those nuns fussing about you? Dr Sinnot thinks another spell there would do a world of good.
Ok, it might mean giving up the odd glass of sherry or two, but that's all for your own good.
You'll have a fantastic time, it'll be one big laugh with all those nuns fussing all the Father? Father? Where's he gone? (Motor chugging) God, Ted, how did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all? Well, Dougal He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo around a small island.
How hard could it be? Anyway, he's up there in St Clabbert's now.
It's weird the way you get used to something.
Seems like only yesterday he was here drinking his head off.
Dougal, it was yesterday.
Yeah, but that's why I said it SEEMED like yesterday.
Right, because it WAS yesterday.
Yeah.
What time are Father Rory and Father k en coming on Wednesday? About six.
Six o'clock? - Yes.
- Right.
Good, good.
Actually, it's just as well Jack's not here.
He can get very irritable around strangers.
Jack was very bad around strangers.
And people he knew.
Yes, very bad around strangers and people he knew.
- Anyway, night, Dougal.
- Night, Ted.
(Ted) Aw, damn! (Whistling) No, Dougal, it's not morning.
I forgot to wind the clock.
Oh, right.
Sorry about that, Ted.
Hello there, Father Father Who are you? Who are you? Father Ted Crilly.
Very pleased to meet you.
Oh.
What's this? Oh, I see.
It's from the Bishop.
You're taking Father Jack's place.
This is a surprise.
Has Mrs Doyle shown you around? Well, anyway, welcome to Craggy Island.
The meals are at 11, one, half-two, three, five, seven and nine.
And if you ever want a snack, you can ask Mrs Doyle.
No, er No, actually, that's actually mine.
Well, you go ahead there and have it anyway.
Dougal, this is Father Fintan Stack.
He'll be staying with us now.
Oh, right, yeah.
This is the brains of the operation.
Ah, no, that'd be Ted.
I wanna listen to some music.
Oh, go ahead, there.
I wasn't asking for permission.
( # Jungle music) ( # Muffled thumping music) So, erm What do you think of Father Stack? Well, erm It says in his note that they never found a suitable parish for him.
- He's not a very nice man, is he? - I've never met anyone like him.
Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellows? Oh, worse than Hitler.
You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three in the morning.
God, he almost makes Jack seem normal.
You know, he nearly does.
(Howling) Right, carry on.
I was going to say you'd almost miss Father Jack.
He had his funny little ways.
But whenever he'd hit you, he'd never do it out of spite.
He'd only do it because he thought it was funny or whatever.
I suppose when you think about it now, it was funny.
Remember that time he gave you a big kick up the b-o-t-t-y? And do you remember when you were bending over him, and he held your nose so tight that you had to open your mouth and then he dropped a big spider in it? No, that wasn't funny, Dougal.
It was funny when he kicked you up the arse.
It wasn't funny when he put the spider in my mouth.
- It was, Ted.
- No, it wasn't, Dougal! - Ah, Ted.
- Dougal! Anyway, he's gone now.
It's funny how you miss someone's little ways.
(Sighing) (Sighing) (Screaming) ( # Muffled jungle continues ) God, I've had enough.
It sounds like someone drilling holes in a wall or something.
- I'll have a word.
- Careful.
Come on, I think he's out.
- What's up, Ted? - Ted's gone mad.
- Lead on, MacTed! - Shh.
- Right, the coast is clear.
- Father Jack's not here? No, he has the hair thing again.
He's in Jurassic Park.
Oh, right.
St Clabbert's.
Father Walton's up there, I hear.
- Sherry all right? - Lovely.
Did you know Father Coogan at all, Ted? Hmm Oh, yes.
Father Tom Coogan.
Wasn't he in Africa? He was, with Father Shortall and that load.
Then he was back in Wicklow.
I think Windy Shepherd Henderson was his priest there.
Windy Shepherd Henderson that was in Tralee? No, a different Windy Shepherd Henderson.
- There's four of them.
- At least.
One of them was with Father Daley in Chicago.
Wasn't he the first man on the scene when Malcom X was assassinated? No, that was Father Burke.
Father Daley had the lump on his head in the shape of Connaught.
Like Father Caroline - he lost the use of his ears in an accident.
- He's deaf? - No, just lost the use of his ears.
He used to be able to wiggle them.
Remember Father O'Reilly? He's in Clare.
They moved him after he owned up to that OJ Simpson thing.
Father Bigley from Ardee did his wedding, I think.
- Father Bigley? Is he not dead? - No, he just looked dead.
Ted, did you say Father Larry Duff was coming? God, I'd better give him a call.
I hope he can make it.
Larry is tremendous fun.
(Mobile phone ) Ahh! No, he must have it turned off.
God, I wonder where Dougal is? Come on, Ted.
Shall we watch the sports video? Oh, yes.
Come on, Ted.
Ah, here's the lads.
And away they go! Ah, look at your man at the back! I remember this.
(All cheering) (All) Look at Mrs Doyle! - She looks great on the telly! - She's wearing the hat for a bet! (Ted) I'd say so.
Oh, here's Buckin' Bronco! Or Hopalong Cassidy.
- Here's the champ.
- Fair play.
Fair play to him.
(Cheering) What are we watching? We're looking at the sports day.
Lots of young fellows running around in shorts.
That's the kind of thing you like looking at.
And I bet you like that, too.
You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts.
You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face.
You dirty fecker.
If you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.
Yes, I am.
Well, I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Crashing) - Dougal, where did you go to? - Ted! How are you? - Dougal, what the? - Yes? What, Ted? - What? - What? - Have you been drinking? - I have, Ted.
I been drinking like a mad eejit.
No, no, wait.
No, I haven't.
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
Come here, Teddy, Teddy, Ted.
You're my best friend.
God, I love being a priest.
We're all going to heaven, lads, wahey! Perhaps I should explain.
Your friend and I were enjoying a bottle of whisky I found upstairs.
Well, that is the last straw.
I'm driving.
I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable.
By the way, I got the keys of your car and I drove it into a big wall.
If you don't like it, tough.
I had my fun and that's all that matters.
- Ted, I can see up your trousers.
- Right.
That's it.
I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but it was the second last straw, because this is definitely the last bit of straw inthe thing.
There is no more straw left! - Ted, it's a little late.
- Yes, I think we should go.
- No, you don't have to go.
- I think we should.
Woooo! Bye, girls! Pair of wankers.
Oh! Come on, Dougal, we've had enough of Father Stack for one evening.
To the pub, Ted! ( # Jungle music) - Hey, Ted, what's going on? - We're going to kidnap Jack.
kidnapping, wow! What will we get for him? - Shut up, Dougal.
You ready? - I'm with you, Ted.
Right so, let's go, then.
(Doorbell) Hello? - This is a bit mad, Ted.
- Shh! Why don't we ask the nuns to give him back? Dr Sinnot said moving him might be dangerous.
Anyway, I got a second opinion.
- Who from? - Mrs Doyle.
Ted, I'm not sure if this is a good idea.
I mean, kidnapping! It's not kidnapping, it's bringing him back to where he belongs.
It's like Lassie Come Home, with Father Jack as Lassie.
- Who are we, then? - I don't konw.
The other people.
You're Roddy McDowell and I'm Liz Taylor.
Fine.
I just wanted to get that straight in me head.
- Right, let's go.
- Right.
- Come on, Dougal.
- (Shouting) Right behind you! Shut up! k eep it quiet.
Look around and see if there's a light switch.
(All shouting) (Silence ) - (Nun ) What's all that noise?! - Quick, Dougal, here.
(Nun ) Calm down, all of you! Some people are trying to get some sleep! Arse! Feck! Oh! Dougal, that's not Father Jack.
- Hello, Father Walton.
- Feck off! - Will he not do, Ted? - No.
I don't think so, no.
A stage 12.
I never thought I'd see one.
Ah, Ted, can we not keep him? No.
Come on, let's get Father Jack.
- You got the torch, Dougal? - Yes.
- Arse! - Feck! - Drink! - Girls! - Drink! - Feck! - Drink! - Feck! - Arse! - Girls! (Posh voice ) I really shouldn't be here.
- Drink! - Drink! - Drink! - Drink! Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls! (Jack) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! - All right, Father, all right.
- Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! - Drink! Drink! - Try upstairs, Father.
(Jack whimpering) - Jumping on my picture again? - You got a problem with that? - None.
Enjoy yourself.
- What was all that noise? That's Father Jack, the fellow you replaced.
Tell him to get lost.
I'm here now.
You might like the pleasure of telling him yourself.
And what happened to his whisky.
(Shattering glass, screaming) He'll fill you in.
I'm supposed to be scared? Drink! - Listen to that, Dougal.
- I don't hear anything.
That's what I mean.
The sound of silence.
No, I still don't hear anything.
I'm sorry I didn't disinfect Jack's chair like you told me.
It's my fault that lad got the hair thing.
Don't worry.
I'm sure he's fine up in Jurassic Park.
Best place for him.
k eep him out of trouble.
Anyway, how are we getting on in there, Father? It's a great invention, isn't it? And no more St Clabbert's.
(Muffled) Drink! Drink! Drink! Anyway, time for bed.
Come on, Dougal.
(Muffled) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! (Man on loudhailer) 'Fathers, please.
Calm down.
'Someone step in there, please.
That really is not on.
'You're ruining it.
'Sister, if you could just step in there.
' Break it up, break it up, Fathers.
Break it up.
Put that down.
(Men ) Drink! Arse! Drink! Feck! Girls! Drink! Arse! (Nun ) Good night, Fathers!