Flight of the Conchords s02e09 Episode Script

Bret, you've been gone for hours.
I've been waiting for the bread.
Where have you been? I was wandering through the streets of the city rambling through the avenues of time when from nowhere my eyes fell onto a girl and by chance her eyes fell onto mine - oh.
- so I sat and I acted all nonchalant she smoked her lavender cigarette reading the future that lay in my hands my shadow played a bass clarinet where are you going with this, Bret? we waltzed down a moonlit Boulevard just two silhouettes in the mist - oh, yes.
- days went by and years went by - moments went by when we kissed - when was this? she said, "your beard is woven of heartache and we'll drink for the lonely tonight and the moon is a horny old drunkard" uh, Bret, could you please move over to your right? we drank dandelion wine and we reminisced - about the moment when we first met that day - I'm trying to watch TV.
then we reminisced about how we first reminisced oh, yeah? Sounds a bit gay.
she handed me a broken memory a keepsake to forevermore save for a brief taste of love is as sweet as any and with that she made her way.
so did you did you get the bread, or - oh.
No, I forgot.
- 'Cause I've been waiting here with all my sandwich fillings all ready.
Yeah, I was just really busy thinking about this girl.
What was her name? she said her name was a secret then she said her name was cheri is her middle name cheri? So it's a secret cheri maybe? - mmm, maybe - what she look like? she looked like a parisian river - what, dirty? - she looked like a chocolate eclair - that's rare.
- her eyes were reflections of eyes - oh, nice.
- and the rainbows danced in her hair - oh yeah.
- she reminded me of a winter's morning - oh, frigid.
- her perfume was eau de toilette - what does that mean? - she was comparable to cleopatra - quite old.
- she was like shakespeare's Juliet - oh, 13? - the bohemians of soho did pirouette as we waltzed through the streets of Manhattan on rivers of ribbon and sailboats of song Bret, did any of this actually happen? there's a girl I described she's as real as the wind it's true I saw her today the other details are inventions because I prefer her that way.
so you're saying you made all of that up? I made 95% of that up.
Which bit's true? I saw a girl.
Oh! So your excuse for not getting the bread is because you were on a fantasy date? Why don't you go on a real date? Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.
Oh yeah.
Where does she work, this girl? She works down at the cheap zoo.
- The pet store? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- She's, um, one of the cat tamers.
- Oh, yes.
Every time I go in there I freeze up, I panic and I end up buying two goldfish I don't even want.
- Why do you buy two then? - Well, if you get two, you get one free.
But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret.
- Why would you buy two? - Might as well get one free.
Hey, Jemaine, I was wondering if you'd think about being my wingman - oh! No.
like in "top gun.
" No, Bret.
Do I have to? Umm, uh, yes.
- Okay.
All right.
- If you want to do it, there's a condition.
- What? - You can't hit on her.
What? Why why would I hit on her? - You always do that.
- Oh! When? - Always.
- Oh, okay.
So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.
- You do it.
- I do not.
- You do it.
- I do not.
Yes, you do.
- What are you doing in here? - Fixing the shower.
- It wasn't broken.
- well, I'm sorry I broke it.
I'm sorry, but you're always you're always making moves on his girls.
Okay, I will not make a move on this girl.
Yeah, you should remain hidden.
Yes, remain hidden.
Take a photo of me in front of the budgebears.
Bret, you're stalling.
Just go and ask her out for a drink.
Yeah, okay.
- Hello.
- Oh, hi.
Are you thirsty? What? Goldfish one goldfish, please.
Umm, if you buy two, you.
Okay.
What time do you feed the cats? Hey! What's up, guys? - Hey, Dave.
- What's with the fish, Bret? - I've got a girlfriend.
- No.
Uh, not not completely a girlfriend.
- She doesn't know I exist.
- But you do - you do exist, don't you? - Yeah.
I exist, yeah.
'Cause you guys said you didn't exist before.
- Yeah, we we exist.
- Yeah, I exist.
- I fully exist.
- Why did you tell me you were from never never land? - New zealand.
- New zealand, man.
But you said you guys flew here.
On a plane.
On a plane, Dave.
Hey, Dave, do you have any of those miniature headphone microphone sets? - 'Cause I want to put my wingman here in a van.
- Yeah, sure.
He's gonna give me advice while I go and see this girl.
He got an idea from a sitcom.
Jemaine's your wingman, huh? - Yes.
- What the fuck does he know about women? I know about brassieres.
Do you know about those? Guys, women like three things: Men in kilts, southern comfort, and Chris isaak's "wicked game.
" Whoa, he does know more than you.
Yeah, I think you're oversimplifying women.
- Okay, band meeting.
- Uh, Murray? Oh, greg, I'm just in the middle of something, please.
- I'm sorry, Murray.
- Shush now, okay? - What's gotten into you? - It's just that please! This won't take a minute.
Now, where was I, Jemaine? Uh yeah, you were at "Jemaine.
" - Okay.
Present.
- Yes, present.
- Bret.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, and Murray present.
That wasn't too hard, was it? - Now what's the problem? - Helen's on the line.
Well, why didn't you say?! What does she want? She says she's in a meeting with the Chinese ambassador.
There's 16 people there, but there's only 12 sandwiches.
Oh no.
I only ordered 12.
- On line one.
- Sorry, guys, official business.
Hey, helen.
Yes.
Yup, 16 people.
I heard.
Yeah, only 12 sandwiches.
I know.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
Why? Oh, um uh, to be honest with you, at the end of the day, um actually, I think greg could be responsible.
I was walking past his desk and I saw in his wastepaper bin some wrappers which I think were from sandwiches.
And just looking at his face earlier, I did notice he had some crumbs just around his mouth just on each side.
I think they were sandwich crumbs.
I'm not pointing any fingers, but I think if I was you, I would probably look at the third suspect being greg.
Yeah, I understand.
I'll tell him.
Um, helen's disappointed that you ate four of them, so sorry about that.
That's okay, Murray.
Thank you.
I think he heard the whole thing, didn't he? - Probably.
He was just standing there.
- Yeah.
I've never seen him that angry.
Murray, do we have any gigs or anything? - Because I've got to go.
- Got something on, have you? - Yeah.
- what do you mean? Hing - I've put "nothing" here.
Ook.
- "No need to come in.
" - Well, why have you called us in? - I don't know.
- You wrote that down? - Yeah, I wrote "nothing.
" - But you called us up and told us to come in to tell us there's no need to come in? - That's weird, isn't it? - Why'd you call us? Well, it's like it's kind of like a habit.
You know, we sort of fall into these patterns.
Day after day, we end up doing the same sort of thing.
It's a bit like shelley and I, actually, looking back.
I think that's where the cracks started to show just getting used to each other so much, taking each other for granted like a pair of old sneakers they're always there.
Put them on, same thing day after day.
Oh, I'll get us some cake.
Greg, is there any of that orange cake left? It's Murray.
Oh no.
He is angry.
Sorry, guys.
I'm gonna have to calm the storm.
Uh, can you hear me, Bret? Chicken torso.
Chicken torso, can you hear me? Chicken torso, raise a hand if you can hear me.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Cool.
- Now be brave, Bret.
Stop shaking, Bret.
Stop shaking.
Stand with your feet apart like your balls are on fire.
Don't do the accompanying face, though just the stance.
Go up to her.
Just approach her.
- Back up, back up.
- Good work, Bret.
Now say hell turn.
No no, stay facing away from her.
It makes you seem different.
Half ignore her and half pay attention to her.
- Hello.
- Hi, do you need help? - Turn side on.
- Say somethin you assho! - Um - say hello.
- Hello.
- Hi, can I help you? - Compliment her hair.
- Ask her what's up with her face.
- What's up with your face? - What? You shouldn't have said that.
It's too early.
Is that a walkie-talkie on your kilt? Tell her it's an ipod.
- No, this is just - an old ipod.
- It's an old ipod.
- Okay.
- Good work.
Now tell her you're freaky.
- Don't tell her that.
- Tell her you're a freak.
- Why would you tell her that he's freaky? - How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't - can I help you with something? I'll just I'll just get a goldfish, please.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mel.
Hey, why have you been standing here for so long? It's been, like, hours like, three and a half hours.
- Just hanging out.
- Just just are you gonna steal this car? - Oh, no, we're just spying on someone - no no.
- Who? for Bret.
- No one.
No.
- No one.
Oh my God, is it me? - No.
No.
- It's me, isn't it? - No.
- You've been watching me.
That is so creepy, you guys.
That is an invasion of my personal space.
Why would you do that? Why would you watch me? Have you been watching me? What did you see? What have I been doing? I don't even know what I.
- Mel, it wasn't we weren't watching you.
- It wasn't you, Mel.
It's the girl over at the pet shop.
- You're following her? - No.
Bret's in love with her.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
- Bret! - Why? - Well I'm not.
Bret, if you really love someone, you have to get to know them as a person.
You can't just watch them from afar.
You know, you have to learn what they are like on the inside.
Get closer.
Find the key to their heart.
I like to find useful information in bills, letters.
Sometimes I collect nail clippings, but that's just me.
Bret, does she run an indian food takeaway? - No.
- Here, use these.
It's easier.
Oh, thanks.
Why do you have those? - Yeah.
No reason.
- Bret, she loves eggs.
- Make her an omelet.
- Oh, is her name savannah? Does she work at petland? - Works at petland, yeah.
- Oh.
- Half an avocado.
- She has $145 on her electric Bill.
- Tea bags, yogurt.
- That's great, Mel.
You know, Bret, when you love someone, you need all the ammunition you can get to take them down.
- Right.
- Look at me and Doug.
He resisted at first.
In the end he cracked and look at us today we couldn't be happier.
Mel, this dumpster is definitely from a different building.
Keep looking, Doug.
- Bret I think she has man's feet.
Man feet, Bret.
Ah.
Motorcycle magazines.
- She must like tough guys.
- Tough guys? Yeah.
Jemaine, come and look at this.
- There's greg, see? - Yeah.
- Look how sad he looks.
- He looks normal.
Who's that he's talking to? Might be a businessman, do you think? - I don't know.
- Jemaine.
I want you to be my wingman.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Distract his mate while I apologize to greg.
- Come on.
- I don't know what to say to a businessman.
- Business stuff you know, stock exchange, calculators.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, guys.
- Mind if we join you? Actually, we're in the middle of a meeting, Murray.
Oh, like that, is it, greg? No no, it's ne.
Please sit down.
Hi there.
- Well hi, greg.
- I like your tie.
Well, greg, I just wanted to say sorry you know, for telling helen that you ate those sandwiches.
I know everyone's been talking about it.
I just wanted you to know that I know you're innocent.
And oh, I got you some chocolates from my desk.
They're a bit squashed, but thank you, Murray.
No breaking through that wall of ice, is there? Another chocolate.
Thank you.
- Come on, Jemaine, let's go.
2- 3-6.
- Jemaine.
- This is a fun game.
Do you ever play it online? - Uh - no, Jemaine doesn't go online.
- Come on, let's - okay.
Sorry, sven, I have to go.
- It was nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
Bret, I don't want to be your wingman anymore.
- What? Why not? - It's tiring.
- I'm exhausted.
- One last thing.
- No.
- I bump into savannah tonight, you mug us and I beat you up a little bit.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - Where'd you get this idea? - I saw it on a sitcom.
- Did it work on the sitcom? - Not completely, no, but this is real, so I think we've got a better chance.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Who - the goldfish guy - oh.
like, "can I get a goldfish?" - Okay, yeah, I kinda - yeah? Yeah, you look kind of familiar.
Yeah, I've bought, like, - Oh, that's a lot.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Do you want me to walk you home? - Oka all right.
Okay.
I'm happy to be your bodyguard.
This is a dangerous corner.
Okay, when they come past, we have to jump on them.
- Yeah yeah, I know.
- You got it? Yeah, I've got it.
I've done this before.
I know what to do.
And Bret is going to beat us up a little bit.
Yeah, if he does that, I'll fucking kill him.
No.
No no no no.
Don't kill him.
If that piece of shit lays a finger on me, - I will fuck him up.
- No, we've got to let him beat us, and then savannah will be impressed that right right.
No, that's right, that's right.
- You told me that.
- He thinks she likes macho guys.
Right, and then he looks good.
I've got it.
Okay.
But the money the money, - Okay? I'm not gonna do - no, we have to let them keep the purse.
- What? What? - We have to let them keep the purse.
I told you did I not explain that? - You know, this is bullshit.
- I should've explained that.
No, Jemaine, this is bullshit.
I didn't come out here to do pro Bono work.
I do this for a living.
This is my profession.
You can't take advantage of our friendship like this.
Well, I hope it doesn't come across that way.
- I just love fish.
Do you love fish? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I thought you'd love fish.
- I think so.
- Man, fish are great.
I wish I was a fish.
- Hey, I was gonn I I was just gonna get some sushi right down the block.
I don't know if you've eaten dinner.
Would you want to come with me? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, good, okay.
- Cool, so - should we go that way and go around the block? I'm doing pretend muggings.
- How's this look? - What the fuck is on your face? I just thought it would make me look more criminal.
Take it off.
You're like the hamburglar.
That guy fucking scares me.
Take that off.
- You're creeping me out.
- Oh, here they come.
Here they come.
- Let's fuck 'em up! - No, John no, John! - Down ooh.
- Hey, give me that! - Hey! Hey, you! Hey, leave her alone! - No, let go of my bag! - Oh my oh my God! - Give me that! Give me that! Let go of - oh my God! Oh my God! No, give me my purse! - Oh! Oh no.
- Let go! - Okay okay okay okay! - Oh my police! Hello? - Oh! Ow.
Someone help! Police! - What did you bring him for? - He's the only mugger I know, isn't he? - Oh, he just busted my nose.
- Help! Go away! Go away! - Get get out of here, you freaking mugger! - Oh my gosh, are you okay? Are you oh my God! That was ridiculous! - Are you all right? - Yeah.
Thank God I was here.
Well, yeah, I guess, except that they took my purse and my - they stole your bag? - Yes, they stole - yeah, they stole my bag.
- They're not supposed to do that.
Well, yeah, I know they're not supposed to, but they di of course what? Would you still like to get a little bit of sushi? - Okay.
- Yeah? Is your nose okay? It's okay, yeah.
I'm just so glad I was here to save you.
- Let's get the sushi.
- Huh.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, it worked.
They're walking away together.
I know.
Hey, you weren't maced.
Why are you crying? I'm not fucking crying.
Did have you still got that purse? Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's force of habit.
- It was us.
- Put your hands down, asshole.
Well, officer, it's quite simple.
There's been a misunderstanding.
You see, Jemaine here is a member of the new zealand consulate staff, so therefore he's subject to diplomatic immunity.
Do you have any identification for yourself or the gentleman in question? Okay, there's a card.
"Jemaine clemaine, new zealand diplomat.
" This looks like it was made on one of those machines you find at kinko's.
That's right.
Yeah, we've got an account there.
We get them all done there.
And here's my one.
You can get Where do you get your cards done? You've got badges, have you? I suppose.
- Do you get those at kinko's? - I'm sorry.
You are? I'm Murray hewitt.
I'm the deputy cultural attache for the new zealand government, and this is my assistant greg.
- Hello.
- Hi.
He's actually angry with me about something, so I've brought him in here as a treat.
We don't really need him, but it's good to get him out of the office.
Iook, the diplomat in question was guilty of assault.
Typical.
Yeah, I understand.
He's sort of a bit of a renegade, but - okay, you can just take him with you - thank you.
Can we get my friend John out as well? - No.
- My friend John all right.
Okay, greg? Friends again? - Uh, sure, Murray.
- Come here.
All right.
I knew bringing you here was a good thing.
- Sorry about the sandwiches, okay? - Mm-hmm.
Sure.
- It's good to have the vibe back to what we had.
- You know what? Gentlemen, I'm actually quite busy at the moment, so if you could maybe do this some other time, maybe? Sorry, officer.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me, officer.
Hey, what's up? It's Dave.
Remember tell her you're freaky, Bret.
Would you like peanut butter or a jam sushi? Tell her you're freaky, Bret.
Tell her you're freaky.
- Um, I would love neither - and Jemaine says can you come and get him out of jail.
if that's okay with you.
- Okay.
- Who was that? - Um, uh pfft.
- I'm freaky.
- Uh, what? Did I mention that I'm one of those sort of freaky guys? I don't think that you mentioned that.
Yeah, I'm freaky.
- girl, I'm gonna take the month of august off just to get you off I'm freaky I'm gonna clear the tabletop we're gonna need a mop I'm freaky let's take a photo of a goat in a boat then we can float in the moat - and be freaky - freaky let's take my body and we II cover it with honey stick some money to the honey now I'm covered in money, honey I go outside onto the ledge and push my ass against the glass you can act like you don't know me I take a cup and then I put it on my head and I just stand there being freaky with a cup on my head I told you I was freaky I told you I was freaky, baby you did not believe me don't look at me I told yo I was freaky look at me girl, let's get freaky let's make two life-size cardboard cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions I'll paint the wallpaper pattern onto your naked skin stand against the wallpaper and get off like chameleons I'll flip some clips on my lips I'll clip some chips to your hips I'll nibble chips off your hips and watch the moon eclipse I'll go outside, get some leaves and pretend to be a tree you can be a squirrel and store my nuts for me I told you I was freaky he told you he was freaky, baby you didn't believe me take that off I told you I was freaky put this on girl, I do this shit wicked let's steal my roommate's pillow feathers and make some homemade wings gonna fly so high on makeshift pillow wings girl, could you believe we're flying on homemade pillow wings? oh! I told you I was freaky I told you I was freaky, baby.
hey.
Hey, Jemaine.
- How was your night? - Uh, well, it was pretty exhausting, actually, Bret.
I don't think is that my honey? Maybe.
Is that my money jar? Hey, Jemaine, did I introduce you to savannah? Oh, hey.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
Uh, I'm gonna go get changed.
I owe you $14.
You know, how's it going with her? It's good.
I think it's going pretty well.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know, it's just the first date.
- Yeah, of course it is.
- Hey.
Hey.
Wow, you look a lot like, uh, - that guy who mugged us.
- Yeah, well, it was him.
- Yeah, it was me.
- I actually asked him to pretend to mug us so I could save you and impress you, so we could get to know each other better.
Oh my you what? But you stole my bag.
- Uh, yeah, we did.
- well, he wasn't supposed to take the bag, but - but there was a miscommunication.
- I know.
I'm sorry, because I know you had the money to pay your electricity Bill in there probably.
- You - $145.
Don't worry, I paid that well, I paid $10 off it.
How do you know about my electricity Bill? Well, I just went through your rubbish and I found your Bill.
How do you even know where I live? - Common knowledge.
- I followed you home.
- Bret.
- What? Well, we followed you home.
- Oh my God.
This is sick.
- He mostly him.
- What? I'm not sick.
- Please please don't come to the pet store again.
A lot of these were his idea.
Let me wa - let me show you out.
- No, that's okay.
- So you're single? - I'm fine, thank you.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
- She's a bit crazy.
- Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her? Yeah, that'd be good, actually.