Friends s02e09 Episode Script

Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree.
You should see the size of his Christmas balls! How much did you tip the super? We were gonna give 50, but we don't wanna look bad.
This year we made him cookies.
And 25 it is.
You gave cookies? Money is so impersonal.
Cookies says someone cares.
We're broke, but cookies do say that.
I can see that.
A plate of brownies told me a limerick.
Pheebs, let me ask you something.
Were these "funny" brownies? Not especially.
But I think they had pot in them.
So who else did you tip with cookies? The mailman, the super.
And the newspaper delivery guy.
Oh, my God.
What? You're not gonna like this.
These are cookies smashed to the sports section.
He did my crossword puzzle.
Yeah, but not very well, unless actually is "Bite me, bite me, bite me.
" The One With Phoebe's Dad I can't believe it's Christmas already.
One day you're eating turkey, the next thing you know Iords are a-leaping and geese are a-laying.
Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Rach.
I got you a little present.
I'll open it.
It's a Slinky! Remember? Walks downstairs Alone or in pairs Everyone knows it's Just a big spring.
You're still mad because of the whole Horrible list of reasons not to be with me? How about we just call it the "unfortunate incident"? Hey, Gunther.
You got stairs in your place? Go nuts.
Hey, guys.
What's in the bag? Some presents.
Come on, show us what you bought.
You know you want to.
This is a picture frame from Ben to my parents.
Oh, that's cute.
Some "Hers" and "Hers" towels for Susan and Carol.
And I got this blouse for Mom.
Ross, that is gorgeous! Look at these authentic fake metals! Mom's gonna be voted "best dressed" at the make-believe military academy! Happy "Christmas Eve" Eve.
Oh, my God! Where did you get this? Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
This is my father! This is a picture of my dad! That's the guy that comes in the frame.
No, it's my dad.
I'll show you.
I thought your dad was in prison.
No, that's my stepdad.
My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
How have you never been on Oprah? Look, see? This is him.
My mother gave me this picture before she died.
Same guy! This is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a blue screen with a collie.
It's not a blue screen.
It's just.
Maybe it was just really clear that day.
Okay, I have to talk to my grandmother.
Wait a minute, honey! I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me.
But when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears! Esther Livingston.
Gone! Hi, Pooh.
Hi, Gram.
What you doing? Just updating the phone book.
Gram? Can I see the pictures of my dad again? Sure, sure.
How come? Just, you know, to see him.
Sure.
Here.
This is the one of your father in a meadow.
And helping a little boy fly a kite.
And here he is at a graduation.
Another graduation.
Another graduation.
Is this really my father? Is it really your fa? Well, of course it is.
I smell smoke.
Maybe because someone's pants are on fire! In all the years we've been grandmother and granddaughter you've never lied.
All right, that's not your father.
It's a picture of a guy in a frame.
Oh, God.
It was your mother's idea.
She didn't want you to know your real father because he hurt her so much.
I didn't want to do it.
But then she died and it was harder to argue with her.
Not impossible, but harder.
All right.
So he's not a famous tree surgeon? And I guess he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones? Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
That makes no sense.
Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist? Honey.
Anyway, that's all I know.
That and this.
This is the real him.
I remember my father all dressed up in the red suit the big black boots and the patent leather belt sneaking around downstairs.
He didn't want us to see him but he'd be drunk, so he'd crash into something and wake everybody up.
That doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Who said anything about Christmas? Anyone hear from Phoebe yet? No, nothing.
I hope she's okay.
I know exactly what she's going through.
How do you know that? She told us.
What do you got there, Monica? Stuff for the party.
Aren't you guys supposed to be shopping? You didn't buy presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! What are you gonna do? Don't you have to be Claymation to say that? I don't think the mailman liked your cookies.
The ornaments your mom sent.
Maybe the mailman liked the cookies.
We just didn't give him enough.
Monica, pigeons learn faster than you.
Hey, Rach.
I think I know what will make you feel better.
How about you make a list about me? Forget it.
I'm not gonna stand here and make a list Okay, you're whiny you are obsessive, you are insecure you're gutless.
You don't ever just "seize the day.
" You liked me for a year and you didn't do anything about it.
And you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
See, there.
All right, you did what I said.
And you know what? You're right.
I do feel better.
Thank you, Ross.
Yeah, in Albany.
Could I have the number of Frank Buffay? Okay.
In lthaca? All right, Saratoga? Oneonta? You know what? You shouldn't call yourself lnformation! Hello, Grandma.
If that is, in fact, your real name.
Come on now, Pooh.
Don't still be mad at me.
-How's it going? -Not so good.
Upstate's pretty big.
He's pretty small.
You do the math.
Well, I think you're better off without him.
Oh, honey, I know he's your daddy.
But to me, he's still the irresponsible creep who locked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
I know.
I just wanted to know who he was, you know? Yeah, I know.
I wasn't completely honest with you when I said I didn't know exactly where he lived.
What do you mean? He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown.
If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far.
You can take my cab.
Thank you.
-Nobody else drives that cab.
-Got it.
I'm gonna see my dad! Thank you.
Wish me luck, Grandpa.
Phoebe here with the cab yet? Yeah, she brought the invisible cab.
Hop in! She'd better get here.
The stores close at 7.
It'll be two hours to Phoebe's dad's house they'll meet, chat, swap life stories.
We'll have plenty of time.
Hey, here she comes! Can you believe this? In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad.
Yeah, big stuff! Okay, let's go! Here, you have to hold this.
"Brake, left.
Gas, right"? That's my cheat sheet.
-Where's my seat belt? -There isn't one.
The paramedics had to cut through it.
Come on, just tell me.
Please, please! For the 16th time: No, I do not think you're obsessive! -It's hot in here! -Rach, get the heat.
Ross, turn the heat down, please? The difference between obsessive Ross, the heat! Okay! Heat, heat, heat! And I'm the obsessive one? This way is on.
So this is off.
Did you just break the radiator? No, I was turning the knob and here it is.
Well, put it back! It won't go back.
I'll call the super.
Here, let me try.
That's right.
I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
Hey, it's Funny's cousin Not Funny! Hi, Mr.
Treeger? It's Rachel Greene from upstairs.
Yes, somebody broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here.
Yes, it's hot enough to bake cookies.
Could we have a new one by 6? Tuesday? We can't wait until Tuesday.
We're having a party tonight.
Okay, tip the man.
If he doesn't like our cookies, too bad.
I won't be blackmailed.
Look, if it gets a little warm it can be a theme party.
Here's a theme: "Come on in, live like bacon!" This is it! Seventy-four.
So that's what this is for! This is it.
I'm gonna meet my dad.
This is like the biggest thing ever.
Sure is.
Here I go.
I'm going in.
All right! Good luck, Pheebs.
Here I go.
Here I go.
I'm going.
Welcome to our tropical Christmas party.
Put your coats, sweaters, pants and shirts in the bedroom.
It's hard to tell because I'm sweating but I use exactly what the gel bottle says.
An amount about the size of a pea.
How can that be too much? Ice? Ice? Ice squares anyone? Take a napkin.
Monica! Your guests are turning into jerky.
Really? I'm perfectly comfortable.
Hey! Get in line, buddy.
I was next.
Mr.
Treeger.
You said there was a party.
Well, hey, welcome to our sauna.
Is it hot? My body always stays cool.
Probably because I have so much skin.
Hey, cheese! Here's the chance.
Monica, give him cash.
Rachel, give him your earrings.
Something.
Anything! No, I will not cave.
I'm with Mon.
All right.
You know how you say I never seize the day? Even though he's your super, I'm seizing.
Mr.
Treeger? Here is $50.
Merry Christmas.
I didn't get you anything.
Here's five back.
No, that's your Christmas tip.
Do you think there's a chance you can fix that radiator now? No can do.
Like I told the girl I can't get a knob until Tuesday.
Ross? He's playing baseball.
You mean hardball? Whatever.
What you gonna do? Excuse me.
I'm seizing.
Mr.
Treeger? Here's another 50.
Happy Hanukkah.
Will this help with the knob-getting? No, the place is not open till Tuesday.
Am I not saying it right? So you really did like my cookies? Yeah, they were so personal.
It really showed you cared.
Nice seizing gel boy.
Is this mistletoe? No, that.
That is basil.
If it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss you.
No, it's still basil.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost nipping at your nose -How far did you get? -Mailbox.
All right, we're getting closer.
What's going on? It's just like a whole mess of stuff.
Like yesterday, my dad was this famous Burma tree-surgeon guy.
And you know, now he's a pharmacist guy and.
Well, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.
Yeah, maybe! And I'll knock on the door and he'll hug me, and I'll have a dad! I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be nice to me because, you know, I'm Frank's daughter.
So why not go knock? Because, I mean, what if he's not this great-dad guy? What if he's still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week.
I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Pheebs, that's okay.
You took a big step today.
Someday, when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
And when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
You guys.
Sorry about your shopping.
Oh, that's okay.
We'll figure something out.
I know you're not going in there but you think it's okay if I go in and use his bathroom? That's fine, never mind.
Cool, snow! Kind of like a blank canvas.
Ho-ho-ho-holy crap, is it hot in here! You mind if I turn the heat down? We could have used that kind of thinking earlier! So, Pheebs, how did it go? Oh, I couldn't go in.
-Honey, I'm sorry.
-Are you okay? Yeah, it's okay, because I know he's there.
So that's enough for now.
Hey, it's after midnight! Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh, right! Merry Christmas! The knob was broken so I turned it off from underneath.
I hope that's all right.
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper blades! I don't even have a car.
No, but with this new-car smell, you'll think you do! Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
Toilet-seat covers! Is that what you did while I got gas? You guys! And for Ross Mr.
Sweet Tooth.
You got me a cola drink? And a lemon-lime! Well, this is too much! I feel like I should get you another sweater.
And last, but not least.
They're ribbed for your pleasure!