Futurama s02e09 Episode Script
2ACV05 - Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love
Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love Call Robo-Rooter if you flush a toWel We also help With an impacted boWel Robo-Rooter Now this is progress: A self-microwaving Bavarian Cream Dog.
Let's just pray I have the energy|to get another beer.
What is this, the Middle Ages? Look at you.
- You've become a fat sack of crap.
|- Sack? Bender, your beer belly's so big|your door won't close.
- And that doesn't make sense.
|- You're coming to the gym.
The gym? Excellent! Excellent! For some reason, I'm frisky|as a squid on Tuesday.
Who's up for a steam? Crustaceans don't like steam.
|I'll work out with the Nautilus.
- What up, Dr.
Z?|- Yo, yo.
What's up? Give up the rock! Co-ed steam rooms.
I love the future.
You're in the women's steam room.
Ah, futuristic.
Look what life was like|before genetic engineering.
The poor 20th-century women.
Hey, handsome.
Have room for two? You wish.
Hey, Leela, look who's the super stud.
Someone must have|turned down the gravity.
Give me that! More weight! What's that jazz on your head? Enough questions.
More weight! More! More! Maybe you could|do more reps with less weight.
Looks like Zoidberg's finally|coming out of his shell! Get it? He's coming out Nice and gentle.
We don't want|any unnecessary stress.
- Is there a doctor in the gym?|- I'm a doctor! Why's he acting this way? - He seemed the most normal.
|- I am normal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands|and I'll show you.
Fool me seven times, shame on you.
|Fool me eight times, shame on me.
- Maybe he has a parasite.
|- Maybe he is one.
It's sad when a friend goes nuts and you have to have a clambake|and cook him.
This won't do.
|Let me give old Zoidie a sedative.
- Much better.
You can remove these.
|- I'll do it.
- Look out!|- Moron! There's the problem.
Give it to me straight.
Is it fin rot?|It's fin rot, isn't it? Relax, chum.
It's no problem.
You're just heavy with male jelly.
Blech! It's mating season for his people.
A time when his behavior|is run by the brain in his rump.
- There's one thing we can do.
|- I'll boil the water.
We, I mean you, have to rush him|to his ancient home world which will soon erupt in an orgy|of invertebrate sex.
- Oh, baby, I'm there!|- Do you understand "invertebrate"? It's not the word I care about.
|No need to pack pants.
Let's roll! Dr.
Zoidberg said I should hold these.
Moron! Welcome home, old friend!|Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy! - Excellent! Excellent!|- See ya there, Doctor That's how you say "Zoidberg"? You didn't have to point out|his speech impediment.
- You're looking less nuts.
|- I'm feeling less nuts.
Tomorrow I'll be depositing jelly|in the cloacal vents of a female.
Catch my drift? - Who's the lobsterina?|- Not sure.
I shall attract one today|with an erotic display.
Your people fall in love so fast.
"Love"? That word's unknown here.
I want a female swollen with eggs|to accept my genetic material.
You and me both.
Ah! My old scuttling grounds.
|Let's pull over.
I used to hang out here as a larva.
|It looked much bigger then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie? Look! Outdoor theater!|Let's get tickets! It's the Ceremony of Claw Plock.
We fight to the death over honor and whether abbreviations count|in Scrabble.
They don't! I didn't come to see two guys.
|Where do you do your erotic display? Same as your species.
The beach! - How do I look?|- Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
I wonder if they're here to watch|the erotic display too.
Perfect.
This ought|to make me stand out.
- Look how silly they look.
|- He's no different from you organisms shooting DNA at each other|to make babies.
It's offensive! Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
So not interested.
I've heard that before.
What's the point? Why's he still alone? He's a loser, that's why.
|The lobster equivalent of Fry.
I can get any girl, any time.
|I'm just too busy.
Edna! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg.
|Remember? From high school.
My face was covered with barnacles.
I didn't know you were back in town.
I heard you became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town,|I was wondering if maybe, well Gee.
Yeah, I'm just going through|a lot of things right now, and Look, I carry more eggs|than other females.
I owe it to our race to pick a mate|stuffed with jelly.
- Maybe a rock star.
|- Or a doctor? I'm sorry.
You're just an inferior|male specimen.
Nice seeing you again.
No one will ever mate with me.
|Not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those guys?|They were giant claws with bodies.
- You didn't smell as bad.
|- You're right.
My stink gland is weak.
Smell! You gotta fake like you're in love.
Look in her eyes, start crying and say, "I've never been so happy.
" If a guy ever did that, I'd know it.
Wait a second.
They've all done that.
Even Sean! This "love" intrigues me.
|Teach me to fake it! You're on a date.
|What do you do? - Ask her to mate.
|- Say she's special.
She's not.
She just has|the largest clutch of eggs.
- Well, tell her that.
Then?|- Then mating.
No.
Make up feelings|and tell her you have them.
- Is "desire to mate" a feeling?|- You're not even trying! It's all so complicated.
|The romance and the lies upon lies.
Don't worry.
The love meister|will take you under his wing.
Now there's a bird involved? Okay, go ahead.
What the Dr.
Zoidberg? Your display failed.
|Why are you trying to talk to me? I don't know.
You just want to talk.
I just want to talk.
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't make sense.
But okay.
Tell her she looks thin.
You seem malnourished.
|Do you suffer from parasites? Yes.
Thanks for noticing.
- Ask about her day.
|- Why would I care? - You wouldn't.
Ask.
|- How was your day? Well, first I got up|and had a piece of toast.
Then I went to the store.
And Look, she won't shut up.
It's normal.
|Just nod and say, "Uh-huh.
" - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
|- And then you threw an octopus.
It's crazy,|but when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies seem|less obvious.
Your genes seem less detrimental.
|You even stink more.
- Ask to mate?|- Third date.
So I returned his artificial heart.
Since then,|I've been called "Honest Bender.
" "I'd like to propose a toast to|coat check number 84.
" - Turn it over.
|- Oh.
"Edna! Of all the gross crab monsters|on this planet you are the hottest.
" Oi.
- That's the most beautiful thing.
|- Yes.
Well excuse me.
I must powder my flaps.
Me too.
I'm confused.
I'm feeling a strange|new emotion.
Is it love when you care for a female|for reasons beyond mating? No.
Must be some alien emotion.
He said some dumb stuff.
|He's a nice guy.
Really.
Fry's been telling him what|to say.
And Fry's a - Do you have idiots on your planet?|- Fry? Words of such beauty came from|the blowhole of that hideous alien? Yeah.
What? Look, never mind the words.
|Zoidberg's a doctor.
A doctor, honey.
Come in.
Hello, Fry.
Can I interest you in some|surf and turf? I came to tell you that Zoidberg's|great.
He's got jelly out the wazoo.
That is where it comes out.
|It's not everything.
I know Zoidberg's words were yours.
Teach me to love,|you squishy poet from beyond! I'm flattered.
If I did it|with a mudbug, you'd top the list.
Hush, you romantic fool.
|Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Edna? I couldn't stand|it any longer.
l Fry! It's not how it looks! - Her caviar is on your neck!|- But It's true, Zoidberg.
|We can't hide it any longer.
We're in love,|and we're mating tomorrow! - What?!|- Fry! I challenge you to Claw Plock! - English, please?|- A fight to the death! And if you survive,|we'll make sweet love.
The law is clear.
Fry and Zoidberg shall fight|to the death for the beautiful Edna.
But I don't want her! The tradition of Claw Plock|can't be taken back.
It is a recent tradition, only|18 years old, but it is a tradition.
I'm going to rip your swim bladder|out and show it to you! This is madness!|You're being irrational! Of course I'm being irrational!|I'm in love! - Leela!|- Right, right.
You have to stop this.
Listen, lady.
As you can see l'm a highly desirable male|groaning with jelly.
Yet I embrace celibacy|to uphold our crazy traditions.
- One of your friends must die.
|- Fate is cruel and unyielding.
And what must be, must be.
Taking bets! 9-to-2 on Zoidberg,|the crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby! It's been years since medical school.
|Remind me: - Disemboweling you, fatal or not?|- Fatal.
Large bet on me in round one! Have you anything to say|before begins the Claw Plock? I do.
Today I got up|and I had a piece of toast then I brushed my teeth - Shut up!|- I love you, Fry! No! Having guessed what animal|I was thinking of you have first choice of weapon.
- And you, doctor?|- I choose my claws.
I want to chop him here,|in the gonads.
Nobody correct him.
Fry, I've never asked|for anything before When it comes to the ninth round,|let him win.
- It's a fight to the death!|- Suddenly it's all about you! Sheesh.
Please rise for the national anthem.
Uh-oh.
Let Claw Plock begin! Go, Fry! Die with dignity! Oops! No! I can't stand to look! What? Fry! Take a dive! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Fellow fish monsters, I don't want|to question your stupid civilization but will killing someone|with a nutcracker solve anything? He's my friend.
Though a woman|has come between us we'll remain friends.
And do you know why? One reason.
You bastard! I'll kill you!|You bastard! Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone! Edna? Honey? Edna? Oh, my God! The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience|in life and I missed it.
I'm sorry, doc.
The frenzy is over.
|How will I get rid of my jelly now? - I'll lend you this.
|- Fry.
- Hey!|- Shoo! Get away, hey! What's with the flying jerks? They feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes|its genes, it dies.
You choose between|life without sex and death? - Yes.
|- Tough call.
It was nice of you|to let me fix your arm.
Especially after I made|an eel out of myself.
- No biggie.
|- Yes, biggie.
I felt things I never felt before.
Love, jealousy,|passion for disemboweling.
I owe it all to you.
I pronounce the operation a success.
- Hooray!|- Yeah! I don't know emotions.
|But medicine, forget about it.
Not to nitpick, doc, but could|you take one more whack at this? For you, my friend, anything.
- My legs!|- All right Third time's the charm.
Let's just pray I have the energy|to get another beer.
What is this, the Middle Ages? Look at you.
- You've become a fat sack of crap.
|- Sack? Bender, your beer belly's so big|your door won't close.
- And that doesn't make sense.
|- You're coming to the gym.
The gym? Excellent! Excellent! For some reason, I'm frisky|as a squid on Tuesday.
Who's up for a steam? Crustaceans don't like steam.
|I'll work out with the Nautilus.
- What up, Dr.
Z?|- Yo, yo.
What's up? Give up the rock! Co-ed steam rooms.
I love the future.
You're in the women's steam room.
Ah, futuristic.
Look what life was like|before genetic engineering.
The poor 20th-century women.
Hey, handsome.
Have room for two? You wish.
Hey, Leela, look who's the super stud.
Someone must have|turned down the gravity.
Give me that! More weight! What's that jazz on your head? Enough questions.
More weight! More! More! Maybe you could|do more reps with less weight.
Looks like Zoidberg's finally|coming out of his shell! Get it? He's coming out Nice and gentle.
We don't want|any unnecessary stress.
- Is there a doctor in the gym?|- I'm a doctor! Why's he acting this way? - He seemed the most normal.
|- I am normal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands|and I'll show you.
Fool me seven times, shame on you.
|Fool me eight times, shame on me.
- Maybe he has a parasite.
|- Maybe he is one.
It's sad when a friend goes nuts and you have to have a clambake|and cook him.
This won't do.
|Let me give old Zoidie a sedative.
- Much better.
You can remove these.
|- I'll do it.
- Look out!|- Moron! There's the problem.
Give it to me straight.
Is it fin rot?|It's fin rot, isn't it? Relax, chum.
It's no problem.
You're just heavy with male jelly.
Blech! It's mating season for his people.
A time when his behavior|is run by the brain in his rump.
- There's one thing we can do.
|- I'll boil the water.
We, I mean you, have to rush him|to his ancient home world which will soon erupt in an orgy|of invertebrate sex.
- Oh, baby, I'm there!|- Do you understand "invertebrate"? It's not the word I care about.
|No need to pack pants.
Let's roll! Dr.
Zoidberg said I should hold these.
Moron! Welcome home, old friend!|Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy! - Excellent! Excellent!|- See ya there, Doctor That's how you say "Zoidberg"? You didn't have to point out|his speech impediment.
- You're looking less nuts.
|- I'm feeling less nuts.
Tomorrow I'll be depositing jelly|in the cloacal vents of a female.
Catch my drift? - Who's the lobsterina?|- Not sure.
I shall attract one today|with an erotic display.
Your people fall in love so fast.
"Love"? That word's unknown here.
I want a female swollen with eggs|to accept my genetic material.
You and me both.
Ah! My old scuttling grounds.
|Let's pull over.
I used to hang out here as a larva.
|It looked much bigger then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie? Look! Outdoor theater!|Let's get tickets! It's the Ceremony of Claw Plock.
We fight to the death over honor and whether abbreviations count|in Scrabble.
They don't! I didn't come to see two guys.
|Where do you do your erotic display? Same as your species.
The beach! - How do I look?|- Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
I wonder if they're here to watch|the erotic display too.
Perfect.
This ought|to make me stand out.
- Look how silly they look.
|- He's no different from you organisms shooting DNA at each other|to make babies.
It's offensive! Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
So not interested.
I've heard that before.
What's the point? Why's he still alone? He's a loser, that's why.
|The lobster equivalent of Fry.
I can get any girl, any time.
|I'm just too busy.
Edna! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg.
|Remember? From high school.
My face was covered with barnacles.
I didn't know you were back in town.
I heard you became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town,|I was wondering if maybe, well Gee.
Yeah, I'm just going through|a lot of things right now, and Look, I carry more eggs|than other females.
I owe it to our race to pick a mate|stuffed with jelly.
- Maybe a rock star.
|- Or a doctor? I'm sorry.
You're just an inferior|male specimen.
Nice seeing you again.
No one will ever mate with me.
|Not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those guys?|They were giant claws with bodies.
- You didn't smell as bad.
|- You're right.
My stink gland is weak.
Smell! You gotta fake like you're in love.
Look in her eyes, start crying and say, "I've never been so happy.
" If a guy ever did that, I'd know it.
Wait a second.
They've all done that.
Even Sean! This "love" intrigues me.
|Teach me to fake it! You're on a date.
|What do you do? - Ask her to mate.
|- Say she's special.
She's not.
She just has|the largest clutch of eggs.
- Well, tell her that.
Then?|- Then mating.
No.
Make up feelings|and tell her you have them.
- Is "desire to mate" a feeling?|- You're not even trying! It's all so complicated.
|The romance and the lies upon lies.
Don't worry.
The love meister|will take you under his wing.
Now there's a bird involved? Okay, go ahead.
What the Dr.
Zoidberg? Your display failed.
|Why are you trying to talk to me? I don't know.
You just want to talk.
I just want to talk.
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't make sense.
But okay.
Tell her she looks thin.
You seem malnourished.
|Do you suffer from parasites? Yes.
Thanks for noticing.
- Ask about her day.
|- Why would I care? - You wouldn't.
Ask.
|- How was your day? Well, first I got up|and had a piece of toast.
Then I went to the store.
And Look, she won't shut up.
It's normal.
|Just nod and say, "Uh-huh.
" - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
|- And then you threw an octopus.
It's crazy,|but when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies seem|less obvious.
Your genes seem less detrimental.
|You even stink more.
- Ask to mate?|- Third date.
So I returned his artificial heart.
Since then,|I've been called "Honest Bender.
" "I'd like to propose a toast to|coat check number 84.
" - Turn it over.
|- Oh.
"Edna! Of all the gross crab monsters|on this planet you are the hottest.
" Oi.
- That's the most beautiful thing.
|- Yes.
Well excuse me.
I must powder my flaps.
Me too.
I'm confused.
I'm feeling a strange|new emotion.
Is it love when you care for a female|for reasons beyond mating? No.
Must be some alien emotion.
He said some dumb stuff.
|He's a nice guy.
Really.
Fry's been telling him what|to say.
And Fry's a - Do you have idiots on your planet?|- Fry? Words of such beauty came from|the blowhole of that hideous alien? Yeah.
What? Look, never mind the words.
|Zoidberg's a doctor.
A doctor, honey.
Come in.
Hello, Fry.
Can I interest you in some|surf and turf? I came to tell you that Zoidberg's|great.
He's got jelly out the wazoo.
That is where it comes out.
|It's not everything.
I know Zoidberg's words were yours.
Teach me to love,|you squishy poet from beyond! I'm flattered.
If I did it|with a mudbug, you'd top the list.
Hush, you romantic fool.
|Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Edna? I couldn't stand|it any longer.
l Fry! It's not how it looks! - Her caviar is on your neck!|- But It's true, Zoidberg.
|We can't hide it any longer.
We're in love,|and we're mating tomorrow! - What?!|- Fry! I challenge you to Claw Plock! - English, please?|- A fight to the death! And if you survive,|we'll make sweet love.
The law is clear.
Fry and Zoidberg shall fight|to the death for the beautiful Edna.
But I don't want her! The tradition of Claw Plock|can't be taken back.
It is a recent tradition, only|18 years old, but it is a tradition.
I'm going to rip your swim bladder|out and show it to you! This is madness!|You're being irrational! Of course I'm being irrational!|I'm in love! - Leela!|- Right, right.
You have to stop this.
Listen, lady.
As you can see l'm a highly desirable male|groaning with jelly.
Yet I embrace celibacy|to uphold our crazy traditions.
- One of your friends must die.
|- Fate is cruel and unyielding.
And what must be, must be.
Taking bets! 9-to-2 on Zoidberg,|the crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby! It's been years since medical school.
|Remind me: - Disemboweling you, fatal or not?|- Fatal.
Large bet on me in round one! Have you anything to say|before begins the Claw Plock? I do.
Today I got up|and I had a piece of toast then I brushed my teeth - Shut up!|- I love you, Fry! No! Having guessed what animal|I was thinking of you have first choice of weapon.
- And you, doctor?|- I choose my claws.
I want to chop him here,|in the gonads.
Nobody correct him.
Fry, I've never asked|for anything before When it comes to the ninth round,|let him win.
- It's a fight to the death!|- Suddenly it's all about you! Sheesh.
Please rise for the national anthem.
Uh-oh.
Let Claw Plock begin! Go, Fry! Die with dignity! Oops! No! I can't stand to look! What? Fry! Take a dive! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Claw Plock! Fellow fish monsters, I don't want|to question your stupid civilization but will killing someone|with a nutcracker solve anything? He's my friend.
Though a woman|has come between us we'll remain friends.
And do you know why? One reason.
You bastard! I'll kill you!|You bastard! Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone! Edna? Honey? Edna? Oh, my God! The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience|in life and I missed it.
I'm sorry, doc.
The frenzy is over.
|How will I get rid of my jelly now? - I'll lend you this.
|- Fry.
- Hey!|- Shoo! Get away, hey! What's with the flying jerks? They feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes|its genes, it dies.
You choose between|life without sex and death? - Yes.
|- Tough call.
It was nice of you|to let me fix your arm.
Especially after I made|an eel out of myself.
- No biggie.
|- Yes, biggie.
I felt things I never felt before.
Love, jealousy,|passion for disemboweling.
I owe it all to you.
I pronounce the operation a success.
- Hooray!|- Yeah! I don't know emotions.
|But medicine, forget about it.
Not to nitpick, doc, but could|you take one more whack at this? For you, my friend, anything.
- My legs!|- All right Third time's the charm.