Great News (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Hi, pumpkin.
How are you doing? Still nursing a broken heart? What? No! I'm fine.
I brought your old Nick Carter sticker album.
Remember how it always used to cheer you up? You'd take it in your room, and you'd lock the door, and you'd be in there for hours Mom, Mom, cut it out, cut it out.
I don't I'm already over Jeremy.
We barely had a relationship, and it ended, because that's what relationships do.
They end.
What? No, they don't.
What about me and your father, or Grammy and Pop-Pop? Well, that's never happening for me, Mom, okay? I just want to go out, have fun, maybe have a little rebound se sessions Just me on the old b-ball court.
Nothing but net.
No, don't you give up, Katie, and have a one-night stand.
Please don't.
You'll get murdered.
And then what will happen? They'll make a "LAW & ORDER: SVU" about it, and who will play me, Bette Midler? Is she even loud enough? Please be patient.
Your happy ending will come.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Rapido, rapido [SINGING IN SPANISH.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's fun.
I feel like I'm at Epcot.
What is that song? It's the follow up to Luis Fonsi's "Despacito.
" It's even filthier.
White people have no idea.
They play it at kids' birthday parties.
[SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Oh, Justin, that's beautiful! [CHUCKLES.]
Rapido Where'd all this energy come from? Ah, I see.
Is that an Irish coffee, or as we call it in my family, breakfast? [LAUGHS.]
We've all got the disease.
Oh, I I just been going to this new coffee place.
Oh, is it any good? Uh, no, it's not.
Very expensive, long lines Chuck Pierce doesn't wait in lines! I scream and act demented.
They let me go right to the front.
Just don't go there, okay? Oh, Justin, I downloaded the song.
- ["RAPIDO" PLAYING OVER PHONE.]
- [HUMMING ALONG.]
[SINGING ALONG IN SPANISH.]
I'm gonna sing it at our church talent show.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Sorry I'm late.
I'm in the middle of a public relations nightmare.
Been there.
Carmen Electra and I were arrested for having "public relations" in Yosemite.
No.
I was in Vegas this weekend, and someone took a picture of me sitting on Criss Angel's lap.
Now there's all these rumors that I'm cheating.
[SIGHS.]
It's not my fault.
He was a chair right before I sat down.
Sounds like we both need to let off some steam.
What do you say we go out tomorrow night? We could, like, grind up on some randos, maybe have a one-night stew a one-night stew? Interesting.
So you'd cook stew overnight? And then you'd have a hot, fresh pot of stew for breakfast! That's genius.
Yep.
Please, Portia.
I just want to have a fling.
I mean, I'm an adult.
I can do whatever I want, but please just say "yes" right now while my mommy isn't listening.
I don't know.
I'm pretty burnt out - on clubs right now.
- Oh, come on, Portia.
It'll be like those two girls' night out movies that came out at the same time, only ours will be as good as the black one.
Fine.
Yeah! [GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Well, well, well, said baby Jessica while having a nightmare.
If you're interested in television production, one of my Sims is a famous actor.
I'll have what he's having, uh, Hayley.
Like Haley Joel Osment.
And you have his same beautiful smile.
Hey, Chuck.
What are you doing? Wow, you're Chuck Pierce.
Um, do you think I could get a picture of you, for the wall? Of course! I actually have one on me.
Ever ridden in a news truck, Hayley? You can pull right up to highway accidents.
Maybe see a dead body.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Hm.
Swipe right, swipe right Mm Eh, I could hit that.
Oh, my God, what's wrong? It's Grammy.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry, but Grammy lived a good life.
Oh, she's not dead, sweetheart.
She's divorcing Pop-Pop.
Wait, what? I'm a child of divorce.
Now I'm gonna have to celebrate two Christmas-s-s-s-es! Okay, well, that's kind of fun, right? - No.
[SOBBING.]
No! - No.
[SOBS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Did you go out last night without me? No, I was up all night listening to my mom crying about her parents' divorce.
She's worried that her dad is gonna get weekends and then her friends aren't gonna want to do sleepovers there.
Ugh.
She's inconsolable.
[BRIGHTLY.]
Hello! Ah, Mom! What are you doing? And Grammy, why are you here? I don't know.
Oh, yes, you do.
We talked about it, remember? This is your new beginning.
So you're not sad anymore? I thought about it, and I realized that this divorce is a good thing.
The marriage has been over for a long time, and, you know, they were staying together for the kids, and now that I'm in college, Grammy is free to start her next chapter.
What next chapter? Hey, Greg! My mother would like to apply for an internship! Oh, no thank you! Come on.
Give her an interview, as a personal favor to my fist.
All right.
All right.
So, um what's your prior work experience? You know the women who worked in factories - during World War II? - Yep.
I pickpocketed them.
Mom, this is crazy.
No, it's not.
If I could get a second chance at life, and start working here at 60, there's no reason Grammy can't at 90! Are you sure you're not sad, and this is maybe your way of ignoring your feelings? Yes, I agree.
We do need to get Grammy a new business-casual wardrobe, toot sweet! - Nope, that's not - Mom! [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Hey, what's wrong with you, man? Nothing.
Why, did you find a strange pump? It's to make my fingers longer.
No.
Hayley.
I was gonna ask her out.
Why would you do that? Being with a younger woman makes a man feel good about himself.
Man, you're a real piece of work.
I do so much for you, and this is the thanks I get? Look, if it makes you feel any better, I don't care.
Wow.
You just made a very powerful enemy, Chuck.
Who? Jigsaw? Not again.
Hey, this has been so fun and normal, but maybe it's time you take Grammy home now.
No, no, we can't go home yet.
We're trying to find her a man.
What? No! Why? Why not? This is her second chance at life and at love.
Look, I love Pop-Pop, but he wasn't Grammy's Mr.
Right.
He was just her Mr.
Right Now.
For 70 years? He's a slob! All he does is watch dog shows and criticize the dogs.
They're the best dogs in the world.
"You try it," I said.
Mm-hm.
That's why I'm setting up her Tinder profile.
Okay, Mom, what are you looking for in a man? A big raccoon coat, a straw hat, and holding a little pennant that says "college.
" Okay, Mom? Mom? I have given up trying to find someone at age 30.
What makes you think that Grammy's going to find her dream man at 90? You are so negative, like that mean psychic who said I was going to shrink down to the height I am now.
Great, looks like you've got everything here out of control.
I'm going out with Portia tonight.
Best of luck doing whatever you're doing.
Well, that sounds good.
Okay, have fun, Katie.
Hey, tonight, we're going out.
Honestly, Katie, I'm really not in the mood.
Oh, come on! I just got a bikini wax.
Well, I accidentally sat on a candle, but you can't argue with the results.
Fine.
We apologize for the premature reporting earlier, but we now have confirmation.
The Honey Nut Cheerios bee is dead at 51.
- Chuck? - Thanks, Portia.
Poor people: everybody talks about them, but this reporter decided to talk to them.
That's this week's installment of "Chuck Cares.
" [GENTLE MUSIC.]
When most of us think of rural America, we think of a bear playing a banjo, but there are also people living here.
Good, decent people, the backbone of our country.
Oh, for God's sake! I told them not to use this take.
Look, I have spinach in my teeth! I'm outside the home of Grover Simons, who, like many residents of this Kentucky town, found himself unemployed when the steel mills closed.
Wait, this is the house? I'm supposed to go in there? Why are they showing this? Yeah, we lost all our possessions.
Oh, my God, that is so sad.
I'm sorry, I was just watching "Marley and Me" on my phone.
You have a big TV we could watch it on? Who cut this together? [LAUGHS.]
Now this shot just goes under my voice-over, so it really doesn't matter what we say here.
Anyway, I'm not saying I'm attracted to dolphins, but if I had to screw an animal to save my life, I think the choice would be easy.
It would be a dolphin, 'cause they're smooth, and they may be able to talk back.
Greg, this man just made me look like il buffone.
You did that to yourself, pal.
Now back off Hayley, or the next "Chuck Cares" will be that Katrina benefit you did as an old, black jazz man.
You keep Scat Bones Tremé out of this.
Greg, I can't work with him anymore.
Yeah, it's either him or me.
Oh, pumpkin Rapido, rapido Hey, guys, who's up for some no-strings-attached fun tonight? Excuse me, miss.
We're a group of husbands who like to hang out and dance together.
Vamonos, vamonos [SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Hey, it's been fun and all, but I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Wait, no, no, no! We were just about to get crazy.
All we need is another round of drinks and my mom? Why would we need your mom? Oh, does she have old people meds? Here come the cougars! Wha what are you doing? Tinder was taking too long, so we decided to come to the club like you to find Grammy a man.
Okay, obviously I'm in hell.
I knew I died that time I tried Barry's Bootcamp.
Why is it so loud in here? Excuse me, could you turn down the music, please, so I can talk to my daughter and her friend? And may I have a soup menu, please? Can't believe my mom and grandma showed up, and they brought freaking Angie.
Wango tango, baby! So, this is your daughter.
You're right, she does look like a young Liz Taylor.
No, I'm the daughter, and this is my mother, who I said looks like a present-day Liz Taylor, and that is a 30-year-old child.
Get out of here, you sicko.
Mom, you gotta get out of here, okay? Grammy's too old for this.
Oh, don't be a hater, Katie.
Oh, look, she's dancing! [COUGHING.]
Mom, she's 90.
That is too old to be dancing or meeting a man or getting a second chance at life.
But she's just listening to her heart.
No, she's not.
You know what her heart is probably saying? "Whee! Almost done!" Mom, you're putting this woman through hell because you are in denial about the fact that one of these days, Grammy is gonna die.
[ALL GASP, MUSIC CEASES.]
Come along, Grammy.
It's time to go.
Katherine.
Portia.
DJ Piss Party, thank you for lowering the music.
[CLUB MUSIC RESUMES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I am so sorry about last night, Portia.
My mom is out of control.
It's okay.
It wasn't Carol's fault.
You're right.
Angie's the real problem.
After you left last night, she tried PCP and stabbed a guy.
No, I mean, last night would have sucked, no matter what.
I kinda hate going out these days.
What are you talking about? You won Most Schwasted Party Peep at the Kids' Choice Awards.
I'm just sick of people Snapchatting my every move and trying to twist it into a scandal.
It's like I can't be myself because I always have to be "Portia.
" Oh, wow.
I never thought about it that way.
Every day for you is like the time my boob fell out in the "Today Show" window.
Pitbull was on, and you gots to jump to Pitbull.
Look, I love my life, but sometimes, I just want to dance like no one's watching, you know, let my body do whatever it wants, but I can't, because someone is always watching.
My public persona is a panopticon, Katie.
A panopticon.
Ugh, and I made you go out anyway.
Why didn't you tell me? I did.
You've been so focused on your own thing, it's like you don't even hear me.
It's not my fault.
He was a chair right before I sat down.
God, this is all because I live in a panopticon.
Sounds like we both need to let off some steam.
Hey, tonight, we're going out.
Honestly, Katie, I live in a panopticon.
Come on! I am so sorry about last night.
I said I live in a panopticon! Please, why won't you listen? [GASPS.]
Oh, God! I've been trying so hard to distract myself from my crappy love life that I haven't been listening to you, or my mom, or Grammy, or Great-Grammy.
She's dead, but she's been appearing in my dreams, saying someone named Jonathan needs my help.
[SIGHS.]
Katie, I think you know what you need to do.
Get out of my dressing room and don't follow up with me about how this turns out.
Hopefully, Doug will work out better than Justin, or Justin's predecessor, who's now living very comfortably thanks to the network's out-of-court settlement.
Can't be that comfortable.
I hit him pretty hard with my car.
Allegedly.
You know, I haven't spent much time in here, because I trusted Justin till he stabbed me in the back.
Well, I put together a cut of your interview with Putin.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Mr.
Putin, do you know Yakov Smirnoff? Okay, stop right there.
That's a good start, but you'll do a pore pass, right, where you eliminate all my pores, make me look like a beautiful Korean boy? - Uh, no, not gonna do that.
- What? But that's a basic thing editors do, like adjusting the newsman's voice to make him sound more manly, or bringing him homemade empanadas for him to snack on, or letting the newsman lie on your couch to tell stories of his early traumas.
None of that is part of the job.
If this Justin guy was doing that for you, that means he's a bad editor.
Or a good friend.
Which is why you need someone, uh, with life experience like me to be the next Bachelorette.
Okay, it's still coming across a little dowdy, Now remember, we're looking for wise, but still a whore.
Okay? Knock, knock.
Oh, look who's here.
Hello, moving blur.
Could I offer you a snack? Hey, Mom, I really wanna apologize to you for accusing you of being in denial of your feelings when I was doing the exact same thing.
I was just down on love, and I took it out on you and Grammy, but maybe, things aren't so hopeless.
Oh, hey, Dad! Oh Katie, this isn't a good idea.
I told you that Grammy's sick of Pop-Pop.
Yeah, the old Pop-Pop.
Look, Grammy, he dressed up for you.
Tell her what you told me.
I'll stop complaining about dog shows.
There, I said it.
Can I have my hat from the war back? It's too late, Ralph! I don't want to waste time on you when I can find who I'm meant to be with! Good, because I don't want you back, either! Mom, help me out here.
Can you just tell her to give him another chance? Why? Why should she settle on the first guy that comes along? Mom, you know what? This is all your fault.
You got her hopes up, and you filled her head with insane ideas like you always do.
"Katie, you'll definitely get into Harvard.
Don't apply anywhere else, or you'll jinx it.
" "Katie, true love exists.
You just have to find it and be constantly bummed out along the way.
" Just because you've given up on having a happy ending doesn't mean that Grandma should have to.
Right, Grammy? - Wait, where's Grammy? - [DOOR SHUTS.]
Oh, my God.
She's doing it! She's driving at 90.
See, Katie? She is.
Maybe you're right.
It's not too late.
Anything is possible No, it's not.
No, it's not.
- Oh.
- Oh.
This is bad.
Mom, are you okay? Wow, how are you running so fast? [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Oh, my God! My mailbox! Now how will I receive my overreaction medication? It's okay.
You've had a really confusing week, Grammy.
My mother never should have pressured you into driving or finding a man or trying stand-up.
Did you ever notice all of your friends are dead? What's that about? You're right.
I was in denial, okay? I was sad that Grammy's choices were to be alone or to be miserable for the last few years of her life.
I don't like hopeless situations.
That's why I watch "Titanic" in reverse.
The guy shot out of the ocean, and he fixed the boat, and he erased the dirty drawing, and he danced a jig.
Mom, I get it.
I get it.
When you realize stuff isn't gonna work out, it's a bummer.
Jeremy and I barely dated, and it was the most serious relationship I've had in years.
But I mean, that's life.
You know? Not everybody gets their happy ending.
Roberta? No, it can't be.
Walter? I thought you died in the war! What are you doing here? My daughter lives here.
Didn't you get my letters? - No.
- I told you I'd come back for you.
I guess you'd say I took the long way home.
[WARM ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
What the dick is happening? [UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
So Grammy found the love of her life.
I can't believe this worked out.
Seriously, what are the chances? Pretty slim, but if you give up, there's no chance at all.
You know, honey, sometimes, you have to just keep driving until you hit the right mailbox.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
No.
You know what? No.
I'm gonna wait for my happy ending.
[LOUDLY.]
No cell phones! They mess with the pacemakers.
[NORMALLY.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not shouting at you.
I'm used to talking to deaf people.
[LOUDLY.]
Mrs.
Connelly, you look beautiful today! Good luck at bingo! [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I hate that guy.
Ah! The perfect camouflage.
Oh, great.
Did you just lure me here to humiliate me again? Is this text even from Hayley? No! That's my butt.
I brought you here, Justin, to apologize.
Well, I'm not gonna do it! Okay, fine.
I'm really sorry.
Not you, Justin me! I take you for granted.
From day one, you never showed my nose hair.
You always cut around it when I mispronounce an ethnic name.
And you made me seem sober in my drunken interview with Peen-e-loupe Cruz.
Penelope Cruz.
I should never have stolen Hayley from you.
I don't need a young woman to make me feel good.
You do that for me.
You are my Hayley.
Really? Thank you.
And that's why I'm stepping aside.
I think you should ask her out.
So I purchased you two tickets to Paris - Wow.
- Jackson's talk show taping.
Oh.
Go get her! Yeah, I'm gonna do it! Wish me luck.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Huh.
Okay, it's possible she didn't like either of us and was just being polite because she works in the service industry.
You keep dragging me places I don't want to go! The club, here, Chili's on the way here All right, all right, all right, but I think you're gonna like this.
Ta-da! Hey, I don't know if I have the power to do this, but you're fired.
No, no, think about it.
Cell phones aren't allowed here.
You wanted to dance like nobody's watching.
Well, no one is, 'cause they don't know who you are and they all have cataracts! Hit it, Mom! ["RAPIDO" PLAYS.]
You finally listened.
Oh, my God, thank you so much, Katie.
And I'm gonna talk to Greg about getting you re-hired.
Thank you.
[SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Oh, my God, she was right.
Nobody should be watching that.
[LOUDLY.]
This is a nice moment!