Hannah Montana s02e09 Episode Script

Lilly, why do you read that tabloid trash? They're nothing but lies.
-"Hannah Montana looks fabulous.
" -With the occasional glimmer of truth.
You didn't let me finish.
"Too bad she's really a guy.
" -You've got to be kidding.
-I can't believe you didn't tell me.
You slept over at my house.
You borrowed my bras.
Hey, I look good in the moustache.
Oh, yeah, I would definitely date me.
Me, too.
-Awkward.
-Awkward.
-Oh, oh! -Let me guess.
It's another article about Jake Ryan, isn't it? It says his movie is done and he's back in town for the premiere.
Big whoop! I don't need some guy who kisses me knowing he's about to leave for six months to do some stupid movie.
Jake could fall out of the sky wearing a tuxedo and I wouldn't care.
-Miley? -I'm serious.
He could come down, giving me a dozen roses, and it would make no difference.
Zero.
Zilch.
El zippo.
What if he got down on his knees and begged you to take him back? Like that's ever gonna happen.
Sorry, it's only one rose.
But I did bring chocolates.
Not just chocolates, chocolates from the sky.
Jake, I don't know what to say.
So, I guess I'll just show you how I feel.
Thank you.
come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe every colour Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds Thanks.
Gee, another basket from Jake.
What a surprise! I agree, Mile.
Either date this boy Jake or tell him to send a workout tape, because I'm about one muffin away from my easy-fit jeans.
I got two words for you, willpower.
I got two words for you, mini jellies.
I'm so weak.
Look who was waiting in the driveway.
You can almost hear him say, "Miley, take me back.
Give me one more chance.
" Oh, I'll give you something.
Not the chocolate chip ones.
Use the bran, nobody eats those.
Oh, my dad does.
He calls them "nature's broom.
" Peanut butter balls.
Hello, guys, this jerk hurt me and he's not gonna win me back with peanut butter balls.
Okay, you're right, darling.
I'm getting rid of everything.
And I'll start by grilling up these perfectly marbled T-bones.
-Medium rare, please.
-Got it.
Come on, Miley, the poor guy has done just about everything a girl could want.
What more could he do? Yeah, Miley, what else can I do? You're never gonna stop, are you? Miley, you've dumped stuff on me and you've yelled at me.
The one thing you haven't done is tell me that you don't care about me.
-Tell me that, and I'll go away.
-No, you can't.
He's so And you're I mean, come on.
I know I kissed you and then left, and I'm sorry.
But I never stopped thinking about you.
Oh, he never stopped, and now, I mean, come on.
-I'll just go help with the steaks.
-You do that.
Come on, Jakers.
Okay, I never stopped thinking about you, either.
-Then you'll give me another chance? -How about we start with tonight? Slight problem.
Tonight's my movie premiere.
Oh, that's okay.
I mean, it's a little more public than I wanted.
But No, no, no.
See, the thing is You already have a date, don't you? It's not a real date, okay? It's with my co-star, okay? We just have to pretend that we're dating for the press, you know, a kiss or two, but it doesn't mean anything.
Nothing you say ever means anything.
You're the same jerk you were six months ago, except now you're a jerk with a headache.
I don't have a -Oh, no.
-Oh, yes.
I'm so hot.
Yes, you are.
-Could I get a bottle of water? -Yes, you are.
Can.
I mean, yes, you can.
Oh, sorry, Rico just tripled his price to three bucks.
But that's all I have, and as I said before, I'm so, so hot.
Don't go anywhere.
Okay, I've taken care of me.
Now, you.
You can have the employee discount.
-You're fired.
-What are you talking about? Nice work, Natasha.
Go buy yourself something pretty.
No, no, wait.
Come back.
I'm willing to look past this and start anew.
You ripped me off.
Me? You're the one ripping people off.
Three bucks for a bottle of water? That's stealing.
That's America.
You want to give stuff away? Open your own shack.
You can call it IHOF.
International House of Failure.
Oh, well, maybe I will.
But instead I'll call it International House of Reasonably-Priced Water, and Fries and Stuff.
IHORPWAFAS.
Yeah, hear the name and tremble, Rico.
IHORPWAFAS.
I'm Brian Winters, and the stars are all out for the premiere of Teen Gladiators and the Sword of Fire.
And here are the Teen Gladiators, Jake Ryan and Marissa Hughes coming over to talk to me, Brian Winters.
So, Jake, I don't know what's bigger, the buzz about this movie, or the buzz about you two.
Oh, well, thanks, Brian.
We're both really excited about this movie.
-Aren't we, honey? -We sure are, Jakey.
We sure are, Jakey.
Look at her.
Draped over him like drapes.
Cheap, clingy drapes.
It's disgusting.
Sure is.
How can you guys keep eating that stuff? That's Jake's steak, the stake he drove through my heart.
The good news is, it cuts like butter.
Dad? I'm sorry, darling, but you're better off without him.
If he's gonna choose her over you, he obviously has no taste.
Except in meat.
This filet is fantastic.
Look at him.
All kissy with Marissy.
"It's only pretend.
It doesn't mean anything.
" Yeah, right, I was on your Tv show, bub.
You're not that good an actor.
So, Jake, tell me, when did you first know you were in love? Well, I know it sounds hokey, but the minute I looked into Miley's eyes -Miley? -Oh, sorry.
I meant Marissa.
What? Did he just say Girls hate the name flub.
Trust me, been there done that.
But we all make mistakes, right, Jake? Yeah, and I'm in the middle of a big one right now.
Marissa's a good friend.
The truth is, I'm in love with a girl named Miley Stewart.
But I blew it.
That's the difference between movies and real life.
In real life, you don't always get a happy ending.
I'm in love with a girl named Miley Stewart.
I'm in love with a girl named Miley Stewart.
I'm in love with a girl named Miley Stewart.
Mile, you're gonna break it.
I don't care.
Hey, Gladiator.
Miley? Who says real life doesn't have happy endings? This is so cool.
I'm used to Hannah being famous, but now Miley is, too.
Your life is totally gonna change.
It is not.
Other than having the best boyfriend ever, my Miley life is gonna stay exactly the same.
Hi.
Hi.
Ashley, are you lost? You are so funny.
I've always loved that about you.
Mean girl say what? Stop it.
You are a delight.
We're gonna be such great friends.
Lilly, I love what you've done with your hair.
I'm wearing a hat.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing here? You said you were going to the mall.
And you said you were getting a manicure.
Yeah, I am, with my new BFF.
You mean, my new BFF.
All your beach needs at reasonable prices.
I got Mylar balloons, and day-old bran muffins.
Oh, come on, everybody.
They're "nature's broom.
" Hey, Jackson.
How is it going? Dude, I don't get it.
Rico rips people off, and he still gets all the business.
Well, maybe because at Rico's you get over-priced hotdogs, right? And here you get half-priced food poisoning.
I mean, seriously, Jackson, this relish stinks.
-That's mayonnaise.
-Okay.
Okay, so, maybe the shack doesn't have "refrigeration," and the food isn't always "edible," and maybe we do have a little bit of a "bug problem.
" But the shack's got character, and like me, it's here to stay.
I can fix this.
Yeah, you got nacho cheese all over my mom's homemade jerky.
How will I live with the guilt? I was supposed to take this to the precinct for the other cops, but now you've got the meat with the cheese, it's not kosher.
Oh, Detective Schwartz is gonna go all meshuggeneh.
Dude, I don't wanna tell you how to run your shack, but this only works for like really short people.
-Not now, Todd.
-Hey, what's this? Well, it was my mom's homemade jerky.
Covered in cheese? How is it? I'm the man who had the cheese I'm the man who had the jerky We put 'em both together And dude, it really worky -cheese jerky! -cheese jerky! -Say what? -Say what? -cheese jerky! -cheese jerky! -Say what? -Say what? Mozzarella moose Swiss ham and Gouda turkey! Just one taste, it'll drive you berzerky! cheese jerky! -Say what? -Say what? And it's all freaky, freaky, freaky, fresh! Sizzling Stewart with Smokin' Oken Enterprises, patent pending.
Cheese jerky? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Maybe, but it's delicious.
Just try it.
-You don't like it? -It's delicious, and it's not mine.
Yet.
You see those sparkly stars in a line? That's Orion's Belt.
And that star just to the right of the belt, that's my new favourite.
It's named Miley.
-Shut up.
It is not.
-It is now.
Here's your certificate to prove it.
You named a star after me? It was either that or a half a mile of Interstate 5.
Miley, I've never felt so close to anyone before, and I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so I'm gonna tell you something that I've never told anyone before.
Please don't have a hairy back.
Please don't have a hairy back.
My real name is Leslie.
Leslie, right.
That's good.
Seriously, what's the secret? That is the secret.
And I love that name.
I had a hamster named Leslie once, until I figured out it was a boy.
Go ahead.
Make fun.
No, no, I'm sorry.
I'm actually touched that you trust me so much.
I do, and I can't tell you how great it feels that I don't have to hide part of my life from you, because I know that you'd never do that to me.
Yeah.
Sure.
Of course.
Now we know everything about each other.
Yeah.
Sure.
Of course.
There are no secrets between us.
Yeah.
Sure.
Of course.
That star didn't set you back too much, did it? -Well -So Dad? Don't you think the light would be much better in the house? Oh, don't worry about me, darling.
I can see everything I need to see, right here.
All right.
I'm gonna read Family circus now, so it should take about two seconds.
Ready? One.
Two.
Good night, Jake.
Good night, sir.
Oh, honey, don't be mad at me.
I gave you two seconds.
It's not my fault the boy's got slow lips.
It's not that.
Daddy, tonight Jake was totally honest with me, and because of the Hannah secret, I couldn't be the same with him.
And when he asked me out for tomorrow night, I had to lie to him again, because Hannah is reading to that second grade class tomorrow.
What kind of relationship will it be if I have to lie to him about half of my life? Well, you could always tell him the truth.
What? Or not.
Honey, I know it's a tough decision, but I'm sure you'll make the right one.
No, I won't.
I'm 14.
I'm almost guaranteed to mess this up.
You're the adult.
You're supposed to tell me what to do.
What kind of a father would I be if I just ordered you around all the time? A normal one.
I swear, you are no help at all.
What? Even when I don't say something, I say something wrong.
Well, at least they're off the porch.
"And so all the animals on Honest Island were saved.
"All because Trudy, the truthful turtle, "promised she would never tell another lie.
" Thank you, Hannah.
Class? Thank you, Hannah Montana.
Does anyone have questions about honesty for Miss Montana? Or we could read another book.
How about Frankie, the Fibbing Frog? Sweet niblets.
-Samantha.
-Hannah, have you ever lied? Good question.
Any more questions? Yes, sweetie.
Why won't you answer Samantha's question? Listen, sometimes life gets complicated, and people get put into situations that are complicated.
Miss Montana, I'm sure you're not suggesting to a class of second-graders -that lying is ever okay? -No, no, no, of course not.
It's just that sometimes you have to.
Hannah Montana's a liar.
No, no, of course not.
Listen, listen.
It's just that, you know, well Superman doesn't tell Lois Lane that he's Clark Kent, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
-Superman's a liar? -What? No, no, no, never mind.
He isn't real.
-Superman isn't real? -What? Okay, come on.
Okay, how many of your parents have told you that you're gonna be president some day? Well, see? Think about it.
Not all of you can be president.
Odds are none of you will be president.
Well, it's just that I was I'm gonna Who wants free CDs? Free CDs, everyone.
Hey, Miley, got your call.
What's up? Jake, you were totally honest with me, and I have a secret, too.
And I'm not sure how you're gonna take it.
Oh, come on, how bad can it be? You're not married, are you? No, I'm not married, and neither is Hannah Montana.
What? I'm Hannah Montana.