Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e09 Episode Script
Gone Efficien...t
1 Avenger, could you, uh, uh--with your beak? Harvey, get in here! - 4.
7.
- Dreadful.
Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
lnteresting name.
Norweg-- Was David.
l eliminated the vowels to save time.
Brllnt! Hrvy.
Hmm.
Wait.
ls Y a vowel? You're still here? Go be efficient! - Ow! - Run! 2.
9.
Birdman, there's gonna be some changes around here.
Profit generators, cost cutting, rolling blackouts.
Oh.
And we've only got room for the top 3 earners.
The rest, well, l'll have to fire the rest.
Fire? What are they doing with my furniture? Correction--my furniture.
Chairs are for earners.
How will l work without pens and ceilings? That's a yesterday question.
lt's a new day! A new, profitable, new, efficient, new day.
Heads-up! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Chat room.
Send in the next client.
Huh.
A-ha! Birdman at last! Prepare to feel the sting of my-- Where's Debbie? Uh, yeah, yeah.
No problem, no problem.
Mm-hmm.
This can wait.
- Debbie? - Debbie was redundant.
Here's your new electronic assistant The Supercalifragalisticexpiefficaceous.
l've never really used one of these.
Oh, let me! l'm an early adapter! - Wait.
Are you on payroll? - Uh, no.
He's just here to kill me.
- Go ahead.
- Who's my next client? Yeesh.
You know, it's funny you and l have lunch scheduled next month but l don'tsee itin here.
Wow! You've got nothing going on for decades.
- Keep scrolling! - Oh, here's something.
Yakky Doodle name change in 2008.
Name change is 30 billable hours.
80 if you pad it.
- You'll take the case.
- l'll take the case! - Go get him! - Going to get him! Time is money.
Send a messenger.
Wait.
You're not actually suggesting-- Would you mind? You would dare ask l-- X, the Eliminator your sworn enemy-- to do your bidding? - l'd owe you.
- OK.
Look out! Put these on.
Hello.
Do you have any idea how many Doodles - there are in this city?! - Lunch break's over.
''Bob Doodle, Kathy Doodle, Pamela Edwards Doodle'' but nobody's heard of Yakky Doodle! Give me a last known address or just something! Skates on.
Or a maiden name.
That might work.
Got to go! l'm expecting reimbursement on these quarters! - Little privacy? - 90 seconds.
What the--? Come--come here.
Attention, employee, attention, employee.
lt is against Sebben and Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories.
You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
One sheet? Repeat.
One sheet per visit.
Want mine? l ain't gonna use it.
88, 89, 90.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
lf it's yellow, leave it mellow.
lf it's brown, flush it downmaybe.
Look out! Oh, Birdman, you're out of tzatziki.
ls this my office? Sublet to Stravros here.
Hard bargainers, the Greeks, but damn it you should see what we're getting per square metron.
Don't just stand there.
See if they're taken care of outside.
l found him! Don't you move, you duck! Nice to meet you.
l'm Harvey Birdman, and you are? Yakky Doodle.
l'm sorry.
What? Yakky Doodle! l'm having a little trouble understanding.
Can you tell what he's say-- Yakky Doodle, you stupid simp! Duck loogie.
l see.
So what do you want to change the Yakky or the Doodle? Both! Court in five minutes! So, Mr.
Tappet, can you describe for us in your own words what you witnessed the night of July 18? Which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt my client's innocence.
ln conclusion l'd like to quote from the Roman poet Quintus Horiatis Flaccus.
Come on, come on.
Thank you.
Mr.
Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind.
- Know how l know that? - Yeah, yeah.
Mind-taking.
Watch your tone with me, Mr.
Man--Bird--Thing.
- l'm sorry.
- That's all right.
What's up? l have one small piece of business.
Take 10 minutes.
5! 5 minutes, damn it! No.
Court adjourned till 9 A.
M.
So you're a massage therapist.
That is really interesting.
You know, it's funny.
l woke up with the craziest little kink right down here.
Ready to order? The lady will have the charmoula and a little flatbread on the side.
l'll be dining, of course, off menu this evening.
Oh, and, boy, two ouzo spritzers.
You are feeling rested.
While you're sleeping, we're interviewing your replacement.
Yes.
l'm up! Look out! Hey, Dvd, what if we just combined the urinal and the water fountain? Oh, Birdman, we've sold space on you to advertisers.
Stand still.
How do l get out of the building? Duh.
And it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper.
You're wasting a ply.
Your parking space is considered a benefit.
Where is it? Where's-- Peanut, trade me a crisp dollar bill for this one.
Five bucks American.
l don't have it! - Two seconds.
- l'll owe you! That's 3 points over the vig.
Per day, snatchy! Sorry l'm late, Your Honor.
Trucks went out.
Your Honor, you have before you a simple matter an ordinary, run-of-the-mill duck who simply wants to change his name and l submit to you that it is the God-given constitutional right of every American animal to do just that if he, she, or it wants to.
Fine.
Mr.
Reducto? Frankly, l'm rather shocked that Mr.
Birdman would waste the court's valuable time on such a frivolous matter, but, hell, we're here so today we'll prove that having a ridiculous-sounding name should be no impediment to living a normal, fulfilling life.
Tell us, Mr.
Diddly have you ever found it an impediment that your name is a euphemism for copulation? Little Nicky didn't show up this morning.
They're gonna be short a waiter.
You're gonna have to cover.
l don't have the time.
Yeah, you do, you know, when you run back to fill out that name change petition you're gonna need here in, oh, l don't know, about 3 minutes.
l have it here.
l know l filled it out.
Yeah.
Skate like the wind, B-man.
You'll just make the lunch crowd.
Ohh! l'll be back! Could l have a souvlaki, please? Souvlaki! Give me a pen! $15.
00? Tax! Tip! Three minutes! Judge! Oh, Birdman, good.
We're a table for 46.
Can you get us something away from the kitchen? Sure.
You got some hummus there on your sleeve, my friend.
Ah.
Well, that's not hummus, is it? Look out! lf you think l'm skimming, do it yourself, damn it.
Water! Mr.
Birdman.
Yakky, hey, l'm sorry about your case.
lt's just that l've been so busy and-- Sorry? No need to be sorry.
l'm ecstatic! Oh.
''lt is the court's judgment ''that the plaintiff Yakky Doodle submit ''to a court-approved clinic for'' My new name, everyone-- Chemical Castration! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah! Who's got efficient nipples? You do! We'll appeal.
Who's got efficient nipples?
7.
- Dreadful.
Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
lnteresting name.
Norweg-- Was David.
l eliminated the vowels to save time.
Brllnt! Hrvy.
Hmm.
Wait.
ls Y a vowel? You're still here? Go be efficient! - Ow! - Run! 2.
9.
Birdman, there's gonna be some changes around here.
Profit generators, cost cutting, rolling blackouts.
Oh.
And we've only got room for the top 3 earners.
The rest, well, l'll have to fire the rest.
Fire? What are they doing with my furniture? Correction--my furniture.
Chairs are for earners.
How will l work without pens and ceilings? That's a yesterday question.
lt's a new day! A new, profitable, new, efficient, new day.
Heads-up! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Chat room.
Send in the next client.
Huh.
A-ha! Birdman at last! Prepare to feel the sting of my-- Where's Debbie? Uh, yeah, yeah.
No problem, no problem.
Mm-hmm.
This can wait.
- Debbie? - Debbie was redundant.
Here's your new electronic assistant The Supercalifragalisticexpiefficaceous.
l've never really used one of these.
Oh, let me! l'm an early adapter! - Wait.
Are you on payroll? - Uh, no.
He's just here to kill me.
- Go ahead.
- Who's my next client? Yeesh.
You know, it's funny you and l have lunch scheduled next month but l don'tsee itin here.
Wow! You've got nothing going on for decades.
- Keep scrolling! - Oh, here's something.
Yakky Doodle name change in 2008.
Name change is 30 billable hours.
80 if you pad it.
- You'll take the case.
- l'll take the case! - Go get him! - Going to get him! Time is money.
Send a messenger.
Wait.
You're not actually suggesting-- Would you mind? You would dare ask l-- X, the Eliminator your sworn enemy-- to do your bidding? - l'd owe you.
- OK.
Look out! Put these on.
Hello.
Do you have any idea how many Doodles - there are in this city?! - Lunch break's over.
''Bob Doodle, Kathy Doodle, Pamela Edwards Doodle'' but nobody's heard of Yakky Doodle! Give me a last known address or just something! Skates on.
Or a maiden name.
That might work.
Got to go! l'm expecting reimbursement on these quarters! - Little privacy? - 90 seconds.
What the--? Come--come here.
Attention, employee, attention, employee.
lt is against Sebben and Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories.
You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
One sheet? Repeat.
One sheet per visit.
Want mine? l ain't gonna use it.
88, 89, 90.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
lf it's yellow, leave it mellow.
lf it's brown, flush it downmaybe.
Look out! Oh, Birdman, you're out of tzatziki.
ls this my office? Sublet to Stravros here.
Hard bargainers, the Greeks, but damn it you should see what we're getting per square metron.
Don't just stand there.
See if they're taken care of outside.
l found him! Don't you move, you duck! Nice to meet you.
l'm Harvey Birdman, and you are? Yakky Doodle.
l'm sorry.
What? Yakky Doodle! l'm having a little trouble understanding.
Can you tell what he's say-- Yakky Doodle, you stupid simp! Duck loogie.
l see.
So what do you want to change the Yakky or the Doodle? Both! Court in five minutes! So, Mr.
Tappet, can you describe for us in your own words what you witnessed the night of July 18? Which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt my client's innocence.
ln conclusion l'd like to quote from the Roman poet Quintus Horiatis Flaccus.
Come on, come on.
Thank you.
Mr.
Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind.
- Know how l know that? - Yeah, yeah.
Mind-taking.
Watch your tone with me, Mr.
Man--Bird--Thing.
- l'm sorry.
- That's all right.
What's up? l have one small piece of business.
Take 10 minutes.
5! 5 minutes, damn it! No.
Court adjourned till 9 A.
M.
So you're a massage therapist.
That is really interesting.
You know, it's funny.
l woke up with the craziest little kink right down here.
Ready to order? The lady will have the charmoula and a little flatbread on the side.
l'll be dining, of course, off menu this evening.
Oh, and, boy, two ouzo spritzers.
You are feeling rested.
While you're sleeping, we're interviewing your replacement.
Yes.
l'm up! Look out! Hey, Dvd, what if we just combined the urinal and the water fountain? Oh, Birdman, we've sold space on you to advertisers.
Stand still.
How do l get out of the building? Duh.
And it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper.
You're wasting a ply.
Your parking space is considered a benefit.
Where is it? Where's-- Peanut, trade me a crisp dollar bill for this one.
Five bucks American.
l don't have it! - Two seconds.
- l'll owe you! That's 3 points over the vig.
Per day, snatchy! Sorry l'm late, Your Honor.
Trucks went out.
Your Honor, you have before you a simple matter an ordinary, run-of-the-mill duck who simply wants to change his name and l submit to you that it is the God-given constitutional right of every American animal to do just that if he, she, or it wants to.
Fine.
Mr.
Reducto? Frankly, l'm rather shocked that Mr.
Birdman would waste the court's valuable time on such a frivolous matter, but, hell, we're here so today we'll prove that having a ridiculous-sounding name should be no impediment to living a normal, fulfilling life.
Tell us, Mr.
Diddly have you ever found it an impediment that your name is a euphemism for copulation? Little Nicky didn't show up this morning.
They're gonna be short a waiter.
You're gonna have to cover.
l don't have the time.
Yeah, you do, you know, when you run back to fill out that name change petition you're gonna need here in, oh, l don't know, about 3 minutes.
l have it here.
l know l filled it out.
Yeah.
Skate like the wind, B-man.
You'll just make the lunch crowd.
Ohh! l'll be back! Could l have a souvlaki, please? Souvlaki! Give me a pen! $15.
00? Tax! Tip! Three minutes! Judge! Oh, Birdman, good.
We're a table for 46.
Can you get us something away from the kitchen? Sure.
You got some hummus there on your sleeve, my friend.
Ah.
Well, that's not hummus, is it? Look out! lf you think l'm skimming, do it yourself, damn it.
Water! Mr.
Birdman.
Yakky, hey, l'm sorry about your case.
lt's just that l've been so busy and-- Sorry? No need to be sorry.
l'm ecstatic! Oh.
''lt is the court's judgment ''that the plaintiff Yakky Doodle submit ''to a court-approved clinic for'' My new name, everyone-- Chemical Castration! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah! Who's got efficient nipples? You do! We'll appeal.
Who's got efficient nipples?