Hiccups (2010) s02e09 Episode Script

[♪.]
Thank you for helping us out, Millie, especially since this is Stan's fault.
Oh, a Mythbuster marathon on TV is my fault? No, it's your fault you got so excited about it you locked your keys in the car.
Dammit! Do you have another bobby pin? Oh, thanks.
There.
Now I can see what I'm doing.
Ho-ho! Open Cecily! Ugh! Smells like somebody left a tuna sandwich in here.
Dibs! Ah, it's probably bad.
There you go, doc.
One set of car keys.
Thanks, Millie.
We owe you one.
[Doorbell buzzes.]
Oh, good.
You're up.
Remember when you said you owed me one? So what happened to your place? Late-night hockey accident.
Upton to Upton.
Upton shoots Oh! My ant farm! Uhh Ants! Ants! Ants! Ants! Ants! Ants! Well, that sounds like a problem your vacuum cleaner could solve.
What? And hurt my precious ants? I left specific instructions for them to recover all 2,500 of them.
Jeez, what did that cost you? About a buck an ant! Maybe you'd be more comfortable in a hotel? I'll call you a cab.
A hotel? I don't think so.
Did anybody else see The Shining last night? No.
We were too busy watching Mythbusters.
Again.
Well, all we have is this little sofa, but you're welcome to it as long as you need.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Well, what are we going to do? Throw her out in the street? Hey, guys.
What do you say to a little pick-up game before bed? - No.
- No.
Okay.
Taylor, what are you doing here? We're here to discuss the Japanese distribution deal for Millie's books.
But I'm on my way out now to discuss that with Hiroshi.
What? I left you a message last week saying Tanaka was flying in.
No, you didn't.
You never check your messages.
This is why you need a receptionist.
I do not.
Things are fine.
Fine? Missed calls, stale coffee? Look at the reception desk.
I've seen cleaner crack houses.
Okay, I've never actually seen a crack house, but it's probably no worse.
I'm not hiring anybody.
Crystal will be back soon enough.
Can we not argue about this in front of our guests? They seem to be hitting it off.
You dumping a body? Laundry.
Oh, let me! No, no.
That's okay.
If you're worried about me sneaking a peek at Stan's gonch, don't sweat it.
Nothing I haven't seen before.
What? You split your pants a lot.
I wouldn't say "a lot.
" Honestly, it's the least I can do.
I don't know.
It gets pretty complicated with the machines and the measuring What's complicated? You separate the whites from the colours, throw in a cup o' detergent, and mom's your uncle.
Okay.
I suppose I could vacuum.
Already done it.
Huh.
Stan, why don't you grab a dish towel and help me with the dishes? I would, but I'm dusting.
Grab a towel.
Okay, okay.
Copy.
Double side.
Print.
[Machine beeping.]
No, I do not need toner.
I need you to print, so print.
Print! Making a new friend? It would have been quicker to have monks copy this by hand.
Double side.
Print.
[Beeping.]
Oh, you are begging for it.
You know, a receptionist could photocopy that for you.
I do not need a receptionist.
I'm perfectly capable of using this piece of [Machine whirs into action.]
A-ha! I did it! You see, all it took-- [paper crumpling.]
[Beeping.]
Paper jam.
One of life's little mysteries.
Okay.
Maybe I should find someone.
But I'm doing it because I want to do it, not because I've let this thing beat me.
[Whispers.]
Good job.
[Coins clinking.]
[Machine whirs.]
What the? Huh.
Ah, the landlord, I presume? Here is a buck 25 for the whites.
For the what? Oh, the washing machine started without coins.
And I'm not sure how much to tip a landlord, so here's 50 cents for yourself, and have a good one.
Hello? Haddison book.
One moment.
Wait, do you know what button transfers people? [Beep.]
Hello? Ah, did it again.
Hey, do you work here? No.
Oh.
I was hoping you could help me.
Can I help you? I doubt it.
Taylor, I see you've met Duncan.
Indeed I have.
Can I have a word with you, in your office? [Phone rings.]
Hello.
Haddison home.
Please don't ask me to transfer you.
What the hell was that? The temp agency sent him over.
Joyce, your receptionist is the first impression of your company.
Do you really want Duncan to be the first thing people see when they come in here? He's not so bad.
Um I spilled some soup.
And I'm going to need a new keyboard.
Okay, fine.
I'll hire someone myself.
But if I have to go through this excruciating process, then you're helping me.
Deal.
I'll set up some interviews.
- Duncan? - Yeah.
You're fired.
'Kay.
Hey, Anna.
Guess what! What? Your couch sucks.
It's all bumpy and jabby.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Stan keeps losing forks in there.
What are you doing up? [Snoring.]
Sweet city woman! Is that Stan? Yeah.
We've tried those nose strips, but he keeps swallowing them.
[Snoring.]
I have an idea.
[Women giggling.]
Keep it down in there.
[Mocking.]
"Keep it down in there!" [Laughter.]
Sleeping on that sofa is like sleeping on a bag of bricks.
The good news is, I found the potato masher.
I slept great.
Millie's so tiny, I had the whole bed to myself.
I woke up with my head where my feet should go.
Soup's on! I hope you guys like pancakes, 'cause "soup" is just an expression.
I love pancakes.
I thought we were out of pancake mix.
You are.
I had to improvise.
It's mostly molasses and cornmeal and other stuff.
And I'm done.
Well, I'd love to join you guys, but I've got to run out and grab some stuff for lunch.
Tofurkey loaf! Whatever that is.
[Quietly.]
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Oh, come on.
Millie's a big help around the house.
[Door opens, closes.]
And these pancakes aren't so bad.
It helps to soak them in ketchup.
[Knocking on door.]
Ketchup on pancakes She's turning you into a crazy person.
Well, I hope you're happy with yourself.
Sometimes.
Why? For months, the residents of this building have been getting free laundry.
That is, until the Dirkos got little honest Annie for a houseguest.
Now it's two bucks a load.
Ah.
Yeah.
Uh, well, you know, honesty is the best of the various policies Well, here's some honesty for you.
You're a putz.
Maybe I'll zip over to Millie's condo, see if I can give those exterminators a goose.
I see you have your high school equivalency.
I guess that's good enough.
Let me ask you a question.
The phone rings, you answer it.
What do you say? Hello? Haddison house? Bang on.
So be here tomorrow at 8:00.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
I have a few questions myself.
If you could tag any cartoon character, who would it be? I don't see-- too slow.
I was looking for was Jessica Rabbit.
Though I would have accepted Betty Rubble.
Really? Hey, if we're considering dudes for this job, it's got to be someone I can get along with.
Why don't we just see if he can handle a lunch order? So, I'll have a turkey wrap from Roasty Jack's.
Beef dip for me.
I just remembered That I already have another job at, uh that other place.
Okay So I'll have a turkey wrap from Roasty Jack's.
Yeah, so, anyway, I was just wondering if there might be any way that we could speed things up a little.
Is that a twenty? What? No.
Supposed to be a five.
We just finished, so you don't have to try to bribe us or pay for our parking or whatever it is you're trying to do.
Really? Yeah.
We're paperless, so you'll get your invoice by email.
Oh, this isn't actuall-- Oh, and sorry, we left the TV on.
Had it on while we were cleaning up.
Jeez, that's a good picture.
Yeah, sure is.
Anyway, here's your keys.
All right.
[Door closes.]
Ah, the definition is so high.
Oh change! Jeez.
Hey! So it turns out tofurkey doesn't have any actual turkey in it.
It's all furkey! Anyway, so I picked up a pound of meat and a bag of m&m's.
How come you told the landlord that the machine works without coins? Oh.
Sorry.
W- was that wrong? I don't really know laundry room etiquette.
It's just hard to find two bucks every time you want to do a load.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I can spot you.
Oh, all I have is fiftie can you make change? If I could make change, I wouldn't be-- [gasps.]
Found one! Ah, it's a peso.
[Fumes in spanish.]
Can I help you? I mean, I could, uh Knock over an arcade or smash a parking meter.
You've done enough, thanks.
Oh.
[TV plays loudly.]
[♪.]
Coming up next on Movietown, it's Stop! Or my mom will shoot.
Ooh! Okay Madeline.
This is more like it.
It says here you can type That's impressive, I think.
And you were an executive assistant at your last job? Yes, at least until the incident.
Incident? Well, there was someone in upper managenent who had busy hands.
I'm not really meant to talk about it much until after the hearing.
All right, thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, we'll, uh We'll be in touch.
Okay.
Thank you.
Now, what was wrong with her? Too much self-esteem? She was shifty.
Did you see the way she was eyeing your purse? I did you a favour.
Who's next? Jennifer Stevenson.
Jennifer? Next.
Oh, just a little bit further [Crashing.]
Ow! Oop, too far.
Anyways Surprise! What the hell? Oh, you're welcome.
I just felt bad for squealing about the washing machine, so now we can do all the free laundry we want.
Yeah, but where am I supposed to hook these up? Kitchen sink's right here.
And how am I supposed to get to the cupboards? Ah.
I also got you one of these.
Grabby robot arm! [Robot voice.]
: Would you like some coriander, human? [Glass drops, smashes.]
Ah, fudge nuts Oh, well, you get the idea.
Hey, where's Stan? He's missing out on the surprise.
[♪.]
So, after five years of running my own company, I realized I don't like being my own boss.
I enjoy being told what to do.
How's the pie? Mm, it's fantastic.
Really good.
I have this weird compulsion to bake in the morning.
It's murder on the waistline.
Not that either of you have to worry about that.
Well, I'm very impressed.
Taylor, I think we have a winner here.
Not so fast, Joyce.
I have another question, Adam.
Do you have a sister? Well, if I did, I wouldn't let her near you, you sly dog.
Oh, he's got my number.
So, Adam, the job is yours if you want it.
Thank you so much.
I promise I won't let you down.
Now there's a first impression.
Totally.
I couldn't tell if he was joking do you think he has a sister? [Bang.]
Ow! What th Stan? Ana? What are you doing? Shh.
You'll wake Millie.
I was going to confront you dramatically in the dark, but I fell asleep.
Oh.
You should have sat on the sofa.
No risk of falling asleep on that thing.
Where have you been? I was at Millie's.
This whole time? Well, the exterminators finished, and she's got all this cool stuff-- a jukebox, a milkshake machine, a sizzler griddler I guess I was in no rush to come home to that couch.
These are new, right? Never mind that.
I need you to be honest with me.
Does Millie really have a milkshake machine? [Salsa music blares.]
Wow.
Someone's early.
Morning, Ms.
Haddison.
I have got today's itinerary all laid out.
You have an 11:30 with the design department, and three manuscripts to read by the end of the day.
Three? I thought there were five.
Mm.
Trust me.
I've already read the other two, and they are dullsville.
Anyway, this should free up your afternoon to take that pilates class you've been thinking about.
Well, I don't have the-- Mat and band? Thank you, Adam.
You are welcome.
There's the best wing man in the city.
Hey, hey, what's up, Taylor? That was fun last night.
I have not danced with that many girls since my junior high tap class.
Anyway Whoa Where are you going? Just in to see Joyce.
Do you have an appointment? Ah, there's that sense of humour I saw last night! Look, I'll just-- Yeah, that was last night.
Seriously, come back after you've made an appointment.
Okay? No.
[Phone rings.]
Rock 97 spins the craziest hits.
Hello? Is this Ms.
Upton? Is it ever.
Who's this? It's Lou over at Bug Blasters.
Just following up on that invoice I sent out.
Invoice? You finished? Did you save all my ants? Every last one of 'em.
Anyway, I gave the keys to your husband.
Excellent.
Except I don't have one of those.
The chubby guy with the glasses? Who? The big round face, kind of balding? No clue.
Brown pants.
Oh.
Stan! You gave the keys to Stan? All right.
Thanks.
Kind of strange.
[Snoring.]
[Fire alarm blares.]
I smell burning cheese.
Havarti! The sizzler griddler! Adam, it's almost lunch.
Could you run out and grab me a-- a mandarin thai salad and a skim latte? So this is what it's like to have a real assistant.
You are always three steps ahead of me.
Well, maybe you should stop following me.
[Laughs.]
Oh, Adam.
Taylor! We have to talk.
It's about Adam.
Listen, I have to thank you.
He is the most focused and dedicated employee I've ever had.
He's got to go.
What? You know he wants me to book appointments now? Me? I mean That's not all.
I was making a snack for myself in the kitchen, and he's all, "those are for employees only.
" Mm-hmm.
You know who's the one that's going to have to go? No-- [clears throat.]
He's too good! When crystal comes back, you'll be spoiled.
Adam You're making a big mistake! Yes, Ms.
Haddison.
This is the freshest salad I've ever had.
The lettuce is from my garden.
Hey! What's the deal with you telling the exterminator you're my husband? Oh, you guys aren't swingers, are you? Wha-- what are you doing here? I live here.
Well, at least I used to, and I'm going to again.
Keys, please.
Uh, yeah, the thing about that is you-- you'd better tell her, Anna.
I don't want to tell her.
You tell her.
[Siren wailing.]
Tell me what? I get to ride in a fire truck? No.
Stan accidentally set your condo on fire.
That sizzler griddler should have an automatic shut-off.
Cheese is flammable.
Who doesn't know that? Are my ants okay? The fire was contained to the kitchen.
Oh, thank God.
With that and the hockey game, I don't know how much more those little guys can take.
We're so sorry, Millie.
You can stay with us until everything's fixed.
Okay.
Thanks.
But first I'm going to ride in the fire truck.
[Horn blares.]
Adam? Where is all my scotch? Oh, I poured that down the sink.
You what? Don't worry, I recycled the bottles.
That was 40-year-old scotch.
Yeah, I don't care how old it was.
I watched my last boss drink himself into mediocrity, and I am not going to let that happen to you.
Oh, I also shredded all your cigars.
Good night.
You're right.
Adam's got to go.
I thought firemen were supposed to be good-looking.
These guys were wearing rubber pants-- hubba hubba! Wait a minute.
What's this? [Millie.]
: Oh, that's probably not good.
I threw a load in the washing machine.
Might not have hooked it up right.
What are we going to do now? Well, this isn't so bad.
It's kind of like being on vacation.
Maybe we should check out the pool later.
Point me in the direction of the mini bar, 'cause I'm gonna-- [stammers.]
[Girls, in unison.]
: Hello, Millie.
We've been waiting for you.
Aah! The Shining! We just wanted her to sign our Grumpaloo books.
I've got to side with Millie on this.
That's a little creepy.
So, you ready to give Adam the boot? I don't know.
I mean, that salad But then the scotch I'm not sure.
Don't forget about the stogies.
You're right.
Let's do it.
Adam? What's going on? Sorry, Ms.
Haddison.
I can't work under these conditions.
I quit.
What conditions was he-- Hey, what's the problem with the new guy? I said "heads up!" Catch me! [Millie, reading.]
: One day, Missy Grumpaloo's house was attacked by giant ants.
With the help of her friends, Missy built a robotic arm to fight off the ants and take back her home.
After the ants had left, Missy's friends stayed around for a while A long while To watch TV, play her music, and eat all her snacks.
They stayed so long, Missy had no choice but to go live with the ants.