Hot In Cleveland s02e09 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, hi, Ohio.
I'm Victoria Chase.
And this exceedingly handsome blue-eyed gentleman is Dave - Selleck.
- Selleck.
Yes, head of the Community Gardens Project.
We're taking abandoned downtown real estate and using it to teach inner-city kids what it takes to grow food.
Excellent.
Now I don't know if you're familiar with my reporting, but I'm rather famous for saying what the viewers are thinking.
And clearly, what the viewers are thinking is "Do you ever have the urge to remove your flannel shirt?" Excuse me? Well, you know, like you're out on a tractor and the sun is beating down on your powerful shoulders, and you know, you're kind of slick with man sweat, and you think, "ah, what the heck?" And you just whip it off? Uh, no.
You ought to try it some time.
Oh, you certainly do have a green thumb.
And no wedding ring.
Try one of our cherry tomatoes.
Oh, I would love to.
Mm.
I like that.
And so will you, Cleveland.
Well, this is a very single Victoria Chase.
Saying back to you Black anchorman, or is it the Chinese guy at noon? I can never keep them straight.
All right, kids, start heading back to the bus.
I'll be right there.
Well, thank you, Dave.
I'm sorry that the segment was so short, I know that I wanted more.
Well, if you'd like, we could talk some more over lunch.
I mean, you're probably too busy.
No, no, no.
I'm not busy at all.
Run along little children.
Oh, no.
Those two are mine.
That's Marcus and Annabelle.
Do you mind if they join us? No.
Great.
I'll be right back.
Hello.
We don't like you.
You're going down, lady.
Hey, dad, is that your new hoe? Honey, this is a pitchfork.
Looks like a hoe to me.
His kids are absolute monsters.
But then, I can be a bit of an acquired taste.
Sometimes people don't like me right off the bat.
Or six months later.
Well, Dave likes me.
And we have a date tomorrow night sans rug rats.
I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder.
They're always so into nature.
And eventually, that leads to camping.
Then next thing you know, you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly toilet paper.
You know, just to play devil's advocate, there could be a good side to helping people.
Doing some community service could help you get your green card.
Like, look.
There's a whole section here on volunteer opportunities.
How about this one? "Teenagers" Don't like 'em, can't help 'em.
All right, what about this one? - "At risk" - Nope.
Don't like the direction that's heading.
Do you wanna get your green card or not? Well, I do, but does it have to involve people? Because I have to say, I'm a not a fan.
Well, how about reading to the blind? You have the perfect face for it.
Ooh! Max says he's sending me a surprise from Florida.
I still think you should've gone down there with him.
Florida was cool when the seniors first discovered it, but now it's too much of a scene.
But it's so nice and warm.
Warm in winter is unnatural.
Oh, I know! We could volunteer at the Senior Center.
No way, old people are the worst.
Present company included.
You'll just cramp my style anyway.
Well, in that case, Senior Center it is.
- Hey.
- Surprise! Max! You came back.
Not for long.
I just came back to get you, a couple of bottles of stadium mustard, and to take you back with me.
Darling, we discussed this.
Elka, I can't be alone in Florida.
The women are all over me.
I'm like a cheeto in a flock of seagulls.
Well, can't you just tell them you're engaged? Of course.
But to them, "engaged" means "grab him while you can.
" But my trial.
We'll come back for your trial.
Clevelanders would never acquit somebody with a tan.
That's true.
So I'll stay here with you.
I'll I'll winter in Cleveland.
- Can I take your coat? - Sure, in June.
That was absolute hell.
I can't believe how rude and annoying those old people were.
"Where's my pudding?" "You're too slow.
" Well, I love the faces of old people.
Every wrinkle tells a story.
Yes, and the moral of the story is "Wear sunscreen".
Ugh! They're killing me.
- What? - Dave's kids.
We were just about to go out to dinner when his little girl suddenly had "a tummy ache.
" I mean, just the use of the word "tummy," it is so manipulative.
Maybe she was really sick.
Oh, please.
I know bad acting when I see it.
She was all doubled over, and moaning, and rocking back and forth.
It was pure community theatre.
Oh, God, I really want this to work.
Do you know that I talked on the phone with Dave last night for three hours? You both talked? Yes.
Wow, this is really serious.
Yeah.
You know, I actually think I like this guy.
I mean, I've been in love before, and in lust But I realized I have never really liked a man.
Aw.
Well, his kids are obviously his soft spot, so you just gotta win them over.
No, you're right.
Okay, I'll take them out to dinner, my treat.
I mean, they just have to see me as kind, and sweet, and nurturing, and sincere, I'll show those amateurs what real acting is.
I hope you have better luck feeding your hellions than we did with ours.
Oh, how was the Senior Center? - It was great.
- Disgusting.
The only bad part was the food we were serving them - was so unhealthy.
- So what? I mean, I understand giving healthy food to kids because they have a future, but those people They need healthier choices.
And you know what, we could prepare meals for them.
Oh, wait, and then I could do a segment on it, on Oh, hi, Ohio.
That's a great idea! And then you would have video documentation of your good deeds perfect for the I.
N.
S.
Hm.
There is something very American about doing good deeds to get superficial media coverage.
Elka, what are you doing with ice skates? Well, since I convinced Max to stay for the winter, I need to show him you can have a good time in this weather.
Wow, that's a really athletic activity.
- Isn't Max a little too.
.
- Jewish? I was gonna say old, but that works too.
Well, the way I figure, he'll have a good time or he'll break a hip.
Either way, he stays here! Well, I guess your father is having a tough time finding a parking spot.
Ah, your sodas.
Are you an alcoholic? Damn.
You said a bad word.
Yes, but for red wine on a silk shirt, I showed remarkable restraint.
Where's our dad? Well, he'll be coming along soon.
While we're waiting, auntie Victoria has a little something for you.
Here is the complete box set of season 27 of my show Edge of Tomorrow.
In discs 15 to 20, I did some very fine step-mothering.
Now they were ghost children, but they loved me dearly.
Sorry I took so long.
Oh, well, we were having a marvelous time getting to know each other.
So, everybody hungry? Damn hungry.
Marcus, what kind of language is that? She taught it to me.
Daddy, I'm not a little bitch, am I? Okay, Joy, taste this vegetarian chili.
Instead of meat, and oil, and salt, I've loaded it up with real healthy herbs.
Mm.
That's a hot, wet garden, all right.
Look, I spoke to my Immigration lawyer, and you were right.
Being on Victoria's show and doing a good deed could really help me get my green card.
But that's not gonna happen if she films a bunch of old people spitting out this tasteless slop into their napkins.
It's not slop.
I think the seniors will love it.
Melanie, they're not like people from L.
A.
They live openly as old people.
And real old people like to punctuate their naps with bacon, and pie, and what this country is mysteriously proud to call American cheese.
Well, it's gonna be delicious.
Now stir it before the tofu gets clammy.
Delicious.
Oh, did you knit those for Max? Yes.
Try them on, Joy.
You're the only one here with man hands.
I do not have man-hands.
Oh, yeah, they do seem to fit perfectly.
Oh, they'll be a little big for Max, but they'll do.
What's that stuff? It's mock macaroni and cheese.
And the beauty of it, there's no macaroni and no cheese.
Yes, nothing ruins macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese.
Now you're getting with the program, putting some elbow grease into it.
Elbow grease.
Yes.
Hey, how'd it go with the kids? Oh, I underestimated them.
Oh, they are good actors.
They are real good.
They managed to undermine me every step of the way.
Very Method.
Well, you got two options.
You either find a way to get them to like you, or you break up with him.
Wait.
Maybe there's a third option.
I have a plan.
The ghost children on Edge of Tomorrow could not rest until they lived full-time with their ghost mother.
Well, who can argue with a plan that starts with "the ghost children"? And when I found out you were dating my ex-husband, I thought, "oh, my God, I'm such a big fan.
" And then he said you wanted to meet me and I felt so intimidated.
No, no, don't feel intimidated.
I mean, sure, I have awards, and millions of adoring fans, and I have been the clue in several TV Guide crossword puzzles But don't think of me as "TV's blank Chase.
" Just think of me as another person.
Almost like you.
So why did you wanna meet me? Because I wanted to meet the woman who raised Michael.
- Marcus.
- And Amanda.
- Annabelle.
- Delightful children.
So inventive.
And they love you so much.
They cry for you, you know? - They cry for me? - Oh, constantly.
I mean, it must be so difficult for you, sharing custody and knowing how much they suffer when you're not around.
You know, I have two children of my own oh, I read you had three.
I'm an artist, so I'm not very good with numbers.
The point is that when a child falls and slices open his shin, the dad's will say, "Oh, walk it off.
" You know, blood gushing everywhere, "Oh, go rub some dirt on it.
" But that's why a mom needs to be there all the time with oh, what is the word? Full custody.
nice.
Uh-oh, it's only 73 in Delray.
Poor bastards.
You're miserable here, aren't you? On the one hand, I could never be miserable when I'm with you.
On the other hand, yes.
Oh, Max, I can't do this to you anymore, it's just too cold for you in Cleveland.
So come back to Florida with me.
My late wife loved it there.
We had such fun.
As we will too! It's just not for me.
But you go.
- But Elka - No.
I'm setting you free.
SoSpread your wings and fly South, my old snowbird.
That's so sad and beautiful.
You know, they say if you love something, set it free.
But I've never understood that.
I say if you love something, lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.
Elka, he'll be back in the spring.
It does become spring here eventually, right? Sort of.
And no matter how many sun-dried skanks throw themselves at him, he'll resist.
- Don't you worry.
- Oh, I'm not.
I mean Well, sure, Max is a charming, handsome man, and there is no woman in Boca who wouldn't drop her bathing suit cover-up for a chance to Oh, I gotta catch him.
You're bringing him back? No, I'm going with him.
I'll be back for my trial.
- Max! - Elka.
I was halfway down the walk when I realized I could not leave without my you don't have to! I'm coming with you! I was going to say "mittens.
" But this is even better! How is everyone enjoying their healthy food? It's like you said.
Just took the right ingredients.
Okay, we're gonna start taping now.
Uh on my head whip.
Oh, hi, Ohio.
I'm Victoria Chase.
And I'm here with Joy Scroggs and Melanie Moretti, so how does it feel to be the subjects of so much adulation? I mean, I know.
But tell the people right there.
Well, it was my brain-child really.
Selflessly volunteering to create delicious, healthy meals for this The greatest generation.
Aw, that's nice.
I've also brought along with me Dr.
Joe, a nutritionist at the Cleveland clinic.
He's been analyzing the meals that have been prepared here - by Melanie and Joy.
- Oh, dear God.
So what can you tell us about the healthy benefits that these seniors are reaping? Absolutely none, Victoria.
What? The food is high in fat, sugar, and sodium.
These are artery-clogging, stroke-inducing, diabetes-promoting meals.
Melanie! What have you done to these fine Americans? Cut! All right, what is going on here? I don't know.
Joy, what did you add to the food? You heard the doctor.
Flavor.
I just couldn't risk looking bad in front of the camera.
You cannot air this.
What, are you crazy? This has gone from a puff-piece, feel-good story to an award-winning shocker on elder abuse.
But my green card.
Don't worry, I'll pixelate your faces.
Okay, a new opening.
Oh, hi, Ohio.
This is Victoria Chase.
What was supposed to be a safe haven for healthy seniors has turned into a heart attack central.
These two volunteers have turned mealtime into assisted suicide on a plate.
How do you feel about the food, sir? - I love it.
- It's killing you.
Oh.
Hey, farmer.
I had a hankering for a cherry tomato.
Hi, Victoria.
I just finished filming this segment that would've been great for me but would've hurt my friends, and I thought, "what would Dave do?" And so I decided to pull the segment.
I mean, you make me want to be a better person.
So let's celebrate.
Being good makes me want to be bad.
Well Here's the thing.
My ex-wife told me what you two talked about, and we ended up having a long discussion about the kids.
Mm, killing the mood, but I can work through that.
And we decided that what you said about the kids was right.
- Full custody? - Yes.
For both of us.
We realized that what was best for them was for the two of us to work things out and get back together.
So we're gonna give it a try.
Ah.
Well, that's fabulous.
I'm sorry we couldn't get to know each other better.
I like you.
I like you too.
Auntie Victoria, auntie Victoria! Thank you, thank you! You're welcome.
Yes, sweetie? If you ever come near our dad again you're dead! Okay, should we try these volunteer opportunities again? - How about "Clean up" - Too dirty.
- "Adopt a" - Too needy.
Victoria, do you wanna do some volunteer work with me? Mm, I'd love to, but I have a tummy ache.
See, and that's how you do it.
Elka! What are you doing back? It's official, I hate Florida.
Where's Max? It's all over with Max.
No! What happened? We went to his condo or should I say his shrine to his late wife? What are you talking about? Pictures, clothes, everything.
Well, surely he'll move that stuff out.
It was like he expected me to pick up where she left off.
Aw.
Sounds like he's not quite ready to get married yet.
Yeah, we talked about it.
We agreed, he's not.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know, if misery loves company my hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.
Those first wives will get you every time.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'll get over it.
But He was a good man.
And God, could he fill a pair of jeans.
He had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.
Max too.
Soft serve, but the same idea.