iCarly s02e09 Episode Script

And now, Freddie will read the next question.
- Sent to us at iCarly.
com.
- Freddie? Dear Carly, Don't you think it would be awesome to be Freddie's girlfriend?" Read the real question.
"Dear Carly, what would you and Sam look like if you had purple troll hair?" Hmm.
What would Sam and I look like if we had purple troll hair? I guess the only way to find out is to look at the monitor.
Now, before we go tonight, we're gonna get serious.
Freddie, the serious lights.
As you all know, one of the best shows on TV is "America sings.
" And tomorrow night, a new champion will be chosen by you, the American public.
Now, the best singer by far is-- but all the polls and blogs say that David's gonna lose to his opponent.
Wade Collins.
And we can't let that happen.
So you gotta vote for David.
Come on, people.
Whip out your phones and votes.
We really want David to win.
It's all I want.
It's all I want, too.
It's what all the cool kids want.
And trolls! Vote for David Archuleta.
Vote for David Archuleta.
Vote for David.
I'm a troll.
I'm a troll.
Vote for David Archuleta.
Vote for David.
Unh! In five, four, three, two-- [Music.]
I know, you'll see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one there'll be time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give me your best and leave the rest to me okay, check out this application I downloaded on my pear phone.
It makes all the little-- aww, she licked my phone.
Shh! "America sings" is coming back on.
Never lick my phone again.
She did it again.
Freddie, be quiet.
Sam, stop licking technology.
And it all comes down to tonight-- the final moment.
The winner of "America sings" is going to be one of these two amazing artists-- David! David! David! He's not gonna win.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Your votes are in and they've been counted and the winner of "America sings" will be announced right after this.
Augh! Another commercial? And they wonder why they're losing teens to the Internet.
Carly! Carly! Have you seen my copy of that movie "boogie bear takes Manhattan"? No.
When did you lose it? A little over 10 years ago.
Yeah.
I just got this letter from video village telling me I never returned it.
So? So it's a dollar for every day it's late.
They're saying I owe them over 3,600 bucks.
So just go to the place and tell them you returned it What, lie? Yeah.
Oh, no, I can't.
I'm a terrible liar.
Its true.
One time-- don't tell the story.
I'm telling the story.
One time we were gonna ride roller coasters on a school day, and when Spencer came to get me, he told Ms.
Briggs he was taking me to the doctor and she said, "which one?" And Spencer said-- Dr.
roller coaster.
And guess what I didn't get to ride that day? You know, I can teach you to lie.
Yeah? I don't think so.
Why not? If you wanna be good at something, you might as well learn from the best.
Yeah, I got third place in the Washington state lying competition.
Yeah, but still, I don't think--whoa, third? Dude, I'm lying.
Impressive.
Okay, so you wanna start tomorrow? Oh, I can't tomorrow.
I gotta go to my great-uncle's funeral.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Lying! Fantastic.
Shh! It's back on.
Welcome back.
All right.
I've kept you and Wade Collins and David Archuleta waiting long enough.
America voted.
And the winner of this year's "America sings" competition is-- come on, David.
Please be Archuleta.
Say it.
David Archuleta.
Oh, yes.
I can't believe it.
This is unbelievable.
That's why I can't believe it.
Oh, David! He won! Yeah.
Yeah, he won.
Go David! Archuleta! Go! Found it! Your movie? No, my little banjo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Okay.
Ready? Watch the TV swing out.
What? I fixed it so it swings out Okay, you've gotta get a girlfriend.
I know.
Uh-- no.
Yeah.
Turn on the TV.
They're talking about "iCarly.
" Turn on channel nine.
Hurry! Whoa, cool yo-yo.
Turn on channel nine.
Many were surprised that Wade Collins lost, and according to industry insiders David archuleta may owe his victory to a popular Web show called "iCarly.
" What? No way! Where'd you get this yo-yo? Spencer! Apparently the teenage girls who host "iCarly" told their fans to vote for archuleta.
"America sings" producer, Stan Berman, confirmed there was a huge spike in votes for archuleta just after the "iCarly" Web show.
He won because of us.
Well, we didn't do anything wrong.
We like archuleta, so we helped him win.
Yeah.
I guess nobody got hurt.
Except that poor guy you made lose.
Look, I gotta give it up to David.
I mean, he's a great singer, but, yeah, it would've been nice to win.
You see, my mother's been ill, and I was going to use the money from the recording contract to help her get the surgery she needs.
Aw, his mother needs surgery.
She's not gettin' it now.
Oh, man, I forgot.
The winner gets a big recording contract for a ton of money.
Yeah, I hear the loser gets nothing.
Hey, we used the power of "iCarly" to help archuleta.
I know that.
So let's use "iCarly" to help Collins.
We can bring him on, have him sing.
And Sam and I can be all "aah! Wade Collins," and then maybe that'll help him get more popular and he can get a recording contract too.
Perfect.
I'll look up his fan site and shoot him an e-mail.
Do it! Someone broke your yo-yo.
I think you need to go downstairs.
Hey, look, I returned the movie.
Well, I don't care what your records say.
I know I returned it.
When? Well, you know, like 10 years ago, on Thurs--wednes-- it was an afternoon.
That's when--okay, I'm lying, I'm a dirty liar.
These are the eyes of a liar.
Spencer! Hey, you're an hour late.
I know.
I got jumped.
What? I was on my way here when these two huge biker chicks jumped out of an alley, beat me up and stole my backpack.
Ohmigod, are you all right? No! I better call the cops.
Okay, and when you get 'em on the phone, make sure you tell 'em that I'm lying.
Right.
Hey, my little sister's friend just got-- I'll call you back.
You make it look so easy.
Just takes practice.
Yeah, but I don't know if I have your talent for this.
Dude, lying is easy.
You just gotta say stuff like it's true, like you really mean it.
You can learn this.
You think? Yeah, you're smart.
Thanks.
Wait.
Was that a lie? No.
I think you're really smart.
Okay, as you know, Wade Collins was supposed to be here on "iCarly" tonight to sing for us, but apparently Freddie screwed up.
He said he would be here.
Anyway, since Wade isn't here-- our little friend Gibby is gonna come out and sing for you.
Get out here, Gibby.
Oh, yeah.
Hey there! When I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, this is the song my mom sings to calm me down.
Freddie? My screaming little angel don't you cry my screaming little angel-- cut the song! Hey, you guys, he's here.
Say hello to-- the first runner-up from "America sings"-- so thanks for comin' on the show.
Yeah.
Well, thank you for having me.
I'm a huge fan of "iCarly"-- and apparently so are a lot of people.
Yeah.
We're sorry we influenced the voting.
And, you know, kinda ruined your life.
Oh, no worries, you didn't ruin my life.
You just ruined a big part of it.
Well, we're really psyched that you took time out of your busy schedule to be with us here tonight.
Um, actually, I'm not all that busy.
But I thought you shoot a music video after being on "America sings.
" No, no.
Only the winner gets to do a music video.
I lost.
So, you didn't get anything for coming in second? No, I did.
They gave me a jacket and a gift certificate to b.
F.
Wang's.
Oh.
I love their cashew chicken.
Oh, yeah, me too.
Yeah, it's great.
Chicken.
Hey, am I gonna sing or what? No.
Gibby.
Hey, you know what? What's that? Freddie's awesome with a camera, so how about you let us help you make a music video? Yeah, good call.
And we can premiere it right here on "iCarly.
" Totally.
Seriously? Sure.
Why not? Let's do it.
Oh, thanks.
You guys are the best! Okay, Freddie's giving us that signal, which means-- show's over.
But be sure to check out the next "iCarly"-- for the premiere of Wade Collins' new music video.
Until then, always remember-- never forget-- what was it? I forget.
Me too.
Oh, man.
That's embarrassing.
Wow.
Bye.
See ya.
Later! And we're clear.
Okay, way to go, Wade.
Yeah, nice job, Wade.
Hey, my friends call me Wade.
You call me Mr.
Collins.
Um, okay, I thought we were friends here.
Why would I be friends with a group of teenage idiots who destroyed my singing career? Okay.
So you don't wanna do the video? Augh! Don't be stupid! Of course we're doing the video.
It's the least you sprags can do for me.
Did he just call me stupid? I heard "sprags.
" I'll come over tomorrow and we'll shoot the video then.
Okay.
What time? When I get here.
Oh, and I'll need a personal assistant, you.
Yes! Wade Collins is leaving.
What a jerk! I hate him.
We have to make a music video for that guy? Sweet! My first chest hair! Ow.
Um, Wade? It's noon, and we haven't shot anything yet.
Are you almost ready? Mr.
Collins doesn't want you to talk to him directly.
Fine, just tell him what I said.
Okay.
Mr.
Collins-- tell the director I'll be ready when I'm ready and to get out of my face.
Sure thing.
Um-- yeah, yeah.
Hey, do you think this dress is a little too saucy? It's a music video.
You need to look hotter than you usually do.
Well, thank you.
Where's Sam? She saw the dress you wanted her to wear, threw a corn dog at it, and walked out.
Ah.
But the other girls are here.
Ohh, hello, other girls.
Is Wade ready? I don't know.
He's been making Gibby brush his hair for 45 minutes.
You've got beautiful hair.
Don't look at it! He's such a nub.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
We have to.
His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us he'd have a big record deal and lots of money, and stop drooling over those girls.
Wade, come on, we gotta do this.
I need you up on the hood of the car.
Uh, Mr.
Collins, he wants you up on the hood of the car.
Thank you, Jibley.
His name is Gibby.
You can call me Jibley.
Okay, Carly, I need you and the other girls to get around the car there and look awesome.
I'll try my best.
Okay, Wade, Gibby's gonna cue the music, and when I yell action-- just roll the camera! Action! Hey, check out this little guy! Jibley, stop the music! Aww! He's so cute! Where'd you get him? You know the lady downstairs in 4-g? The one whose gums are always bleeding? Yeah.
Hey! Did we just stop shooting Wade Collins' music video because of a stupid animal? He's not stupid.
He's adorable.
Look at his little-- no, I hate puppies.
I swear, you're all just a bunch of hob-knockers.
Hob-knockers? I'm going down to get some yogg-urt.
Yogg-urt? Um, we're in the middle of shooting your music video.
No, you're all busy worshipping a filthy little beast.
Ucch! Why are all Americans such idiots? I thought we were hob-knockers.
Ooh.
Aahhh.
Ehh.
Ooh-aaah.
Come on.
I don't know if I can do this.
You can.
Let's go.
But what if I--oh.
Let's go.
Like we practiced.
Start.
Hello, I'm Spencer shay.
You guys sent me this letter saying I never returned "boogie bear takes Manhattan.
" That's right, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
When? How can you remember that? 'Cause I brought it back the same day I won my Olympic silver medal.
You won a silver medal? Sure did.
For what? Luge.
Where's the medal? At my summer home in Prague.
When were you there last? March 3rd.
I had lunch there with the pope.
You're friends with the pope? He's my cousin.
What's his e-mail address? Pontiff-one@pope.
org.
And you're sure you brought that movie back here? Yes.
Now I have to go.
I'm going horseback riding with a supermodel.
Spencer? Yeah? You're ready.
I know.
I always cry when you're not around you make me weep when you're gone you make me sing this sad song you make me cry Wow.
You made Wade look awesome.
Good video, Fredison.
Thanks.
It was hard to find good footage of the guy not screaming at me and calling me an untalented hob-knocker.
What is a hob-knocker? Oh! That's gross! And illegal.
I hate Wade Collins.
Well, at least the video's done.
We'll give it to Wade, and then he's out of our lives forever.
Good.
Not soon enough.
Come on, I need to shoot video of your heads for that "iCarly" bit.
What bit? The one where we dance inside each other's mouths.
Oh, right, random mouth dancing.
Right, open wide and-- rolling.
Ahh! I'm here for my music video.
Who let you up here? We're in the middle of something.
Yeah, yeah, you can get back to your obnoxious little comedy show after you give me my video.
Look, you little-- Sam.
Just give him the video.
Whatever.
Hob-knocker.
Um, is that any way to talk around my mum? Your mum? Ha ha.
Wait, this is your mother? Hello, love.
On "America sings," you said your mother was gravely ill and needed surgery.
Yeah, I said that to get sympathy.
You silly Americans are suckers for a good sob story.
Whoops, mum! You got six months to live.
Blimey! Here! Just take your video and go.
No! You're the one who said we owed this guy.
Yeah, well, not anymore! You know, I felt guilty using "iCarly" to help David archuleta win.
But now I know we did the right thing.
You didn't deserve to win.
Give me my video! Hey! Get her, mum! Aah! Aah! Get her off! Get her off! Blimey! Excuse me, miss? What's up? I received this letter from your store claiming that I never returned my copy of "boogie bear takes Manhattan.
" Oh, yeah.
When was it due? Yikes.
You're a little late.
No, because I did return the video.
Oh, you did? No, I'm sorry! I didn't return the video! I watched it at my buddy Socko's house and his mom got mad because we spilled gravy on her carpet and she threw me out and I thought I left the video there, but I didn't.
He says I didn't and I thought I did and I looked for it everywhere and I'm sorry, I don't-- I didn't mean to lie.
I don't like lying.
I don't like the way it feels.
And you know I tell my sister, uh, don't lie.
I tell my little sister you shouldn't lie.
It's not good.
It's bad.
I--I--honesty is the best policy, right? But, you know, Sam, her friend, was telling me how to lie and that makes me nauseous and I feel queasy and I don't feel-- dude, my boss just sends those letters out to scare people.
He does? That's not cool.
I'll just take it out of the computer.
No worries.
Swear? Yeah.
You're very nice.
You're very-- cute.
Really? Uh-huh.
Wanna visit my summer home in Prague and meet my cousin the pope? Yeah, I knew you'd giggle.
And now Freddie will read the next question-- sent in to us at iCarly.
com.
Fredderly? "Dear Carly and Sam, "do you guys ever work out at a gym?" Excellent question.
We did work out at a gym last summer.
Freddie, can you cue the video of me and Carls from last summer? Sure will.
We're bodybuilders.
Look how big our muscles are.
You wish you were us.
We're superhumans.
Okay, last week we promised to show you guys an original Wade Collins music video.
But then we learned that Wade Collins is a big ol' jerk-face.
A raging jerk-a-holic.
Worst guy ever.
We hate him with all our hearts.
He's a bad dude.
But if you don't believe us-- take it from someone who's worked closely with him on "America sings.
" Look out, people, 'cause here comes-- Whoo! Hi.
Hey, David.
Archuleta! Thanks for comin' on the show.
Well, thanks for having me.
I'm a huge fan of "iCarly.
" Who isn't? Uh, losers.
Exactly.
So, David, what was it like hangin' out with Wade Collins? Oh, well, you know, he's okay.
You don't like him, do you? Not really.
No.
Let it out, David.
Well, he called me a hob-knocker.
I don't even know what that means.
Oh, gross! And illegal.
The important thing is we all agree that Wade Collins is horrible.
But just in case you don't believe me, Carly, or David-- please enjoy this little video Freddie put together.
Freddie, roll the video.
Happy to, Carly.
I wanted tuna fish! I've got a pimple in my ear.
Too hot--hot--hot! I'm sorry.
You're a stupid American, Freddie, stupid American.
Ah-choo! You're a bunch of stupid American girls! You bunch of hob-knockers! I don't care about music! I want money! Hob-hob-hob-knocker! I have to look beautiful! Jibley! Unngh! I hate children! I hate teenagers! I hate animals! And I hate America! Isn't he charming? Now, if you're an American and you found some of Wade's comments offensive-- and you'd like to have a little chat with him about it-- he's staying at the Chambrulay hotel, right here in Seattle.
Should we tell 'em what room? I don't think we should.
Room 513.
That's 5-1-3.
And remember, if you're an American-- he hates you-- and thinks you can't beat him up.
Okay, before we go-- you guys wanna hear David archuleta sing? Well, he's not gonna! Sore throat, sorry.
But we do have some good music for you guys.
Please enjoy my brother Spencer who's gonna play us out on his little banjo.