It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s02e09 Episode Script

- Well, then what would you say? - She's a quitter.
You know what? I don't even care! And that proves my point.
Because you don't care, you never succeed.
- Right.
Failed.
- Failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor.
Okay, I did try.
It just didn't happen to work out.
It's not your fault, sweetie.
You're just not pretty enough.
Oh, thank you! That's my dad, everybody! - Great! - Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
- Good work.
- No, no, that's not good.
I am done with rat detail.
That's by far the worst job in the bar! - That's why we call it "Charlie work.
" - No, dude.
Not Charlie work.
There's an emotional toll that comes out of this.
I mean, you kill one of those - Are you kidding me? - What? What? You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
- What is he talking about? - If you want to smoke, you should have to take it outside.
- That's it.
I'm done with this.
- It's a bar.
- Yeah.
It's a bar, dude.
- Charlie, I think you're right.
- I think maybe we should ban smoking in here.
- What are you talking about? - That's completely ridiculous.
- How is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Uh, yes.
And it's completely un-American.
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
I work in this bar.
I work here.
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here.
Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom.
They strip 'em away from smokers.
Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop! And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop! - Oh, my God! You're out of your mind.
- Look, look.
The point is that if Charlie took any time to study in school he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
You gotta be You don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
- He knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
- Thank you.
- Charlie, we hate freedom.
Ew, we hate it.
- Hate it.
- I'm un-American? - You're practically a Vietcong.
Oh, is that right? Okay, you wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
- Where are we going? - We're gonna go America all over their asses! It is time for the truth! Five million people will die this year of smoking-related illnesses! These body bags, these represent the number of people that will die in this city alone today! It doesn't have to be this way! Let's make smoking history! Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah, man! - Yeah.
U.
S.
A.
, baby! Whoo! - That's what America's all about, Dee! - Yeah.
- Right here! This is the U.
S.
A! - Oh, my God! That guy really knew how to pull an audience.
I tell you what.
Let's get in on this.
- Hey, bro.
Great job out there, man.
- Oh, thanks.
You really You had me like hook, line and sinker with that It was awesome, dude.
It was awesome.
So, look, I want in on the cause.
Oh, okay.
Just go to the Web site and you can check out No, I don't want to do that.
I wanna be on the front lines like you, bro.
- I wanna be, like, you know, join the team or something.
- Naw, it's really complicated.
- There's a lot of red tape.
You really can't - Uh, excuse me, sir.
But just what in the hell do you think you're doing? Oh, dude.
This is just an acting gig.
Like, I'm not really part of any cause.
- Oh, you're an actor? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
But not a real one? - What the hell is that supposed to mean? No, just I mean, you're on the sidewalk.
Oh, right.
Like you know what you're talking about.
How old are you? Like, 40? I live in New York, okay? Street theater is the only organized artistic expression that we have What a crock of shit, man! You're living a lie, bro! - Dude, relax.
- Oh, relax? Oh, I'm gonna You're gonna throw with me? Little actor boy, you wanna throw with a patriot? - Back off! Back off! - I'm not 40.
- I don't need this.
- Get in your van.
Get in your van and go, okay? 'Cause I'll throw down! I'll throw down any day of the week! Get in your little van and drive out of my face! Okay? Before I go America all over your ass! You know what? Screw Dee and Charlie.
I'm sick of people telling us what we can and can't do with our own bar, you know? What happened to this country? Why can't we stay open past 2:00 a.
M? Yes! And why can't we sell booze before noon on Sunday? These are the kind of puritanical restrictions that are killing this country.
This is why people flock to places like Las Vegas and New Orleans and spring break.
Because they're free to go wild.
The girls go wild.
The girls in Philly need a place to go wild.
- Right.
New Orleans was washed away in that terrible storm.
- Tragic.
- We need to open up Paddy's as a haven for freedom.
- Yes.
- A replacement for the tragic loss of New Orleans.
- We should have gambling too.
- And we should have gambling too.
- Sure.
- I'm gonna get the ball rolling.
- Okay, great.
We will open up Paddy's as the most American bar in all of America! - A place with absolute freedom! - With no gambling restrictions.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Listen, dude.
We should head down to sorority houses, right? Spread the word, you know? Hand out some leaflets or something.
- No, Mac.
We should go to the library.
- The library? Why? Yeah, because at sorority houses you're gonna find nothing but tramps and whores.
- Those girls are already wild.
- Perfect! No, no.
Mac, you're not listening to me.
We don't want wild girls.
We want real girls going wild.
It's important to see the transition.
You want to watch the process.
Dee, what the hell is the point of this stretching? Charlie, if we're gonna put on our own demonstration then your body needs to be in tip-top shape out there.
- My body is in tip-top shape.
- Well, maybe for a small, fat person.
Not for an actor.
- Fat person? - A chunky chunky - A chunky person? Where are you getting that? - A husky person.
Since when? Oh! - Really? - You know what? All right, forget it.
- I'm not an actor anyway.
- I know.
Yeah.
Well, then I'm a protestor, right? I'm a patriot.
Give me that.
- Okay.
- That's my bag.
What I need from you is for you to feed me some lines.
- I can feed you lines.
- And then I'll go from there.
- I just don't need all the - I can take over.
- What do you want me to do? - Let's focus on finding your breath.
- What? - Where is your breath? - In my mouth? - No, it starts in your chest.
- You got to focus on your diaphragm.
- What the hell's a diaphragm? - Right here.
Putting your diaphragm - No.
The diaphragm is a - No.
Really? That's all you know? - It blocks the babies out.
Okay, yeah.
That's what How'd you make it this far in life? Look, Dee, this is ridiculous.
Let's just get out there.
Let's speak the truth.
Let's kick a little ass America style.
We'll get all up in it! I'm trying to protect you.
I don't want you freezing up out there.
- What? Freezing up? - Yeah.
All those people staring at you and judging you and-and-and-and not liking the stuff and talking about you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I am.
Your body could betray you - in any number of ways - Like how? You know, one of Locking up and maybe throwing up and stuff.
- Really? - Yeah.
You want to find your breath? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's in my mouth.
One, two, three! - Hey! - Oh, my God! - You girls have gone wild! You've gone wild! - You went wild! - You're wild! Way to go! - You girls went wild! Nice.
This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro.
Oh, man! New Orleans really had their shit figured out! - Oh, they totally had their shit figured out.
- Yeah! - Except for the levees.
- Right, yeah.
Except for the levees.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, and the evacuation plan.
- Hey, oh! - Oh! You've gone wild! - You've gone wild! - You've gone wild! You went wild! - This is what America's all about! - This is America! - We have set up an American utopia! - Yeah! That could be a bit of a problem back there though.
- Yeah, that could get weird.
- Yeah, it's really smoky.
I didn't want to say it because of the spirit of this whole thing.
But I think you're right.
- It's a little much.
- These fellows don't mess around.
This is high-stakes shit.
You think you can get one of these white broads to come over and do a table dance for Alan and the boys? No table dances, okay? That's what we were worried about.
Listen, Frank.
If you can keep those guys as far jammed into that corner as possible - Push 'em into the corner.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Segregation! That's segregation! That's not what this is all about.
America is a melting pot.
- But it might be good to set up some boundaries.
- Boundaries? Sounds like it's coming right out of Stalin's mouth.
Stalin's mouth? That is not what we're talking about.
We're just saying - I don't know who Stalin is.
Who the hell is Stalin? - How do you not know? Listen, man.
Just keep them under control.
You betcha.
Oh, here.
They want you to play this Vietnamese music.
They don't like what's playing here.
Okay, listen.
Compromise.
Tonight we keep things the way they are.
Tomorrow night, we'll play this shit.
Good.
I gotta get back there now because Alan is just about to bet his wife's glass eye in the next hand.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to speak the truth.
We're not gonna spout a bunch of words that are facts like some big jerk from New York who thinks he's great.
We're gonna show you a dramatic interpretation.
Hello, young man.
I'm a bigwig from Big Tobacco.
I work over here at T.
J.
Boris.
Can I offer you a cigarette? Goddamn it, Charlie! Let's try and look at the bright side here.
This music sounds like whales raping each other.
It does.
It does indeed.
But the T-shirts are working.
Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped.
You give her a free T-shirt and videotape it, and the clothes come right off.
- I love this country.
Hey, yo! - Yeah.
- Hey, sweetie.
You want a T-shirt? - Okay.
All right.
- What? Why'd you stop? - What's wrong? - What's wrong? - What happened? - Whoa! Come on, pal! - Dude.
- What are you doing? - You're blowing up our spot! - You're just standing there? - Take a walk! Maybe it's time we set up some rules.
- We can't do that.
No rules.
- Your father is killing our freedom! - I know! I know! - Hey.
Hey, you still want that T-shirt? - Yeah.
- Yeah? All right.
- Okay, any time you're ready.
- Okay.
- Oh, what? What's wrong now? - Ruined again! - Whoa! Jesus! - Hey, man.
- I thought you guys were in jail.
- Parole.
We heard you guys have a, uh, "anything goes" type situation here.
- Can we get a couple glasses of milk? - What? No.
- No.
You can't have milk.
- You can't have milk.
No.
- Come on, man.
- Oh, for You know what? Get out of here.
Could you guys go over there for a second? We gotta talk for a second.
If you could just - What are we gonna do? - I did not see this coming.
We cannot have the McPoyle brothers in here creeping everybody out.
What if Charlie comes in here? He sent them to jail.
They may be planning to stab him.
They bang each other, Dennis.
And they bang each other.
They bang each other's All right, let's set up a couple rules.
We'll set up a couple rules.
Okay, guys, you can stay.
But none of your weird shit.
I don't follow.
All right, listen.
We've heard some things about you two.
I'm not gonna get into the specifics.
We just don't want it in the bar, okay? It's a free country, bitch.
We may have a problem on our hands, dude.
Do we have any sharp knives? - What? - These guys are maniacs.
They wanna start bettin' fingers.
- Fingers? - What are you talking about? If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers.
- I've never seen anything like it in my life! - This has gone way too far! - This is getting ridiculous.
Your friends, they gotta go! - Bullshit! You are killing our freedom, man! This is what freedom's all about.
I'm living on the edge.
Okay, we're gonna find a compromise here, all right? - Uh, we'll take the bar and you can have the basement! - Yes! You want to put me in the basement? - Yeah.
You can do whatever you want! - Anything goes in the basement! - If I go in the basement, I can do anything I want? - Anything you want! - No holds barred? There's no limits? - No limits! - None.
- All right.
I'll take the basement.
- Great.
- And now, if you don't mind, I'll take those knives.
- All right.
Get the knives.
- Yeah.
And use 'em.
What the hell happened in here? Looks likeJonestown.
- Oh, look who it is! - Come to join the party, huh? - No.
We came back to work.
- Oh, have you? - I guess the strike's over, Mac.
- The workers have returned.
Uh, I wasn't on strike, okay? I still need to make a living.
What in the hell has been going on in here? And where is that music coming from? From the basement.
Frank and the boys have been rocking all night long.
- Doing what? - I have no idea.
But I bet it's fun.
We've had a line of 50 people outside every night.
Yep.
See, our bar is about fun and freedom.
I don't know if you guys have ever heard of that.
Freedom? Yeah.
Stick around, bitches.
You might learn something about the good old U.
S.
Of"A.
" Hey, Charles.
- Holy shit! - How's it hanging? What? No! What? No! What are these guys doing here? Charlie, settle.
Yeah, man.
Chillax.
We're cool.
Bump it.
- No.
I'm not gonna bump your Please go.
- No.
Please walk away.
Please walk away from me.
Please walk away from me.
Walk away.
How could you do this to me? Okay, Charlie.
We don't want them in the bar either, okay? But freedom has a price.
The McPoyles are probably gonna stab me.
If freedom has its price I can't believe you guys! You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our founding fathers kicked down to me.
It goes, "Don't tread on me.
" And right now you guys are treading all over me! - Dee, let's roll.
- I don't want to go with you.
- What? - Mm-mmm.
- You're my actor.
I need you.
- But you're so bad at protesting.
- Come on, Dee.
You're my actor.
- I don't want to go.
- Now you're treading on me! - I'm not treading on you.
Yeah, you are.
You're treading on me.
And you're not supposed to! - I don't want to go.
- Are you kidding me? Is everyone gonna tread on me? Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay.
So you're still trying to be an actor then? - Shut your mouth, Dennis.
- So now I can call her a failure.
- I am not a failure.
- Dennis, what is it that you call it - when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed? - Oh, yeah.
- Uh, that would, in fact, be a failure.
- Dee's a failure.
Okay.
You want to see some acting? You want to see some acting? Guess what.
I am gonna act the shit out of somebody's ass.
So here's the thing, Artemis.
I know last time we saw each other things got kind of awkward when you licked my brother's face.
But I need some help from an actor 'cause I've been doing this gig with my friend Charlie, and he is really bringing me down.
- Oh.
Not everyone has the gift.
- Hmm.
Want to smoke some hash? No.
Thank you.
So can you help me here? - What's the venue? - The sidewalk.
- I don't do sidewalks.
- Okay.
See, that's what I thought.
But then I realized if you think about it street performing, it's the last true form of organic artistic expression.
- Is that so? - Yes.
I think you and I need to get out there.
We need to prove to the world that we still got it.
Sweet, Sweet Dee it's not something you can lose, okay? Right.
So let's go show the world.
Is there any nudity involved? - No.
- Can there be? No.
I'll do it anyway.
I don't understand this.
McPoyles.
McPoyles everywhere, dude.
Girls don't want to go wild in this environment, not even for T-shirts! - Hey, man.
My sister wants to ask you something.
- What? - She's mute, dude.
- Mute? Okay, what? - She wants to show you her boobies.
- What? - No! No! No! - No.
No.
Trust me.
They're top-notch.
- Goddamn it! Goddamn it! - That is disgusting! - What is wrong with you people? - That's your sister! Hey, man.
There's nothing wrong with us.
We're just expressing ourselves.
Society has the problem.
Where do you keep your Pledge? - Get out of here.
- Get the hell out of here.
- Go away.
Go with your brother and sister.
- Take a walk.
Dee, thank you so much for this acting opportunity.
I can tell it is going to be a glorious performance.
Those guys are full of shit, Artemis.
There's not 50 people here.
- Focus, Dee, focus! - But that's the reason why we're here.
- Those guys said there would be a big crowd.
- We'll draw them in.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please gather around.
You're about to see an original street performance.
Take yourselves to the foggy streets of London.
The year is 1888.
There's a killer on the loose.
His name, Jack the Ripper.
Two women walking alone home from a holiday cotillion.
I say Get out of here! Get out of here! - If you come to this bar, you're gonna get cancer and die! - What are you doing? We're protesting the bar! Attica! Attica! Attica, man! Attica, man! - Attica, man! Attica! - What are you doing? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, man! What are you doing? - Tying off.
No! No! No! Go tie off somewhere else! - I thought we could do whatever we want.
- Give me the hose.
Give me the little rubber hose.
Whoa, he's got a knife! Okay, great.
He's got a knife.
Of course he does! Why not? You know what? Keep the little rubber hose! Good luck with that.
Good life decision, man.
Mac, I think we gave people too much freedom.
Yeah, you're right, man.
I'll call the cops.
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't call the cops.
That's admitting failure.
Dennis, we gave people too much freedom.
That's the problem! - All they do is exploit it! - It's becomes anarchy.
That is not what America is all about.
- No.
- I mean, America is Oh, my God! Yeah.
Come on, Dee! Don't quit! Come on.
We just rocked out there, Dee! - Oh, we did? Yeah, we did.
- Don't be a quitter.
Okay? I don't care.
I don't want to act anymore.
I quit.
I want to drink.
- That's what I would like to do for the rest of my life.
- Don't give up.
- Why don't you leave me alone? - Can you imagine an America where everyone just gives up? - I don't care.
- Okay, great.
Let's just give up! - All right, Charlie.
- Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face? - No.
- No, it's okay.
You can.
You know why? - 'Cause I give up.
I'm living in give-up America now.
- What are you talking about? - Will you shut up? - Look at this! I'm gonna be a smoker too.
- You don't have to smoke, Charlie.
- No, we can.
You know why? 'Cause we give up.
We live in give-up America.
I live in give-up America.
We're living in America Hey, Ryan.
How are you doing? Look, man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks, bro.
Hey, Liam.
I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man.
But any time you wanna stab me, it'd be really great for me.
- That's what you get, Charlie! - Whoa, hey! Get the hell out of here! - You get fork stabbed! - Get out! - Fork stabbed! - Get out! - And don't try to mess with us 'cause now we're even! - Get out of here! Nobody messes with the McPoyles! Oh, you had to make a scene, Charlie! You had to run your mouth in front of psychopaths, didn't you? - I just got stabbed with a fork! - Whose fault is that, Captain America? - Way to go! - It's Dee's fault for quitting on me.
- Oh, it's Dee's fault! - How is it Maybe it's your fault for being horrible at everything! - Here we go with this again.
- Everybody pass the buck! Pass the blame! Dennis, we have to admit, it's over.
It's done.
We gotta get all of these assholes out of here right now.
Dee, you get everybody out of the bar.
Charlie, you're a disappointment.
Come on.
Let's go get everybody out of the basement.
God only knows what's going on down there.
I'll call the cops.
Frank!