Keeping Up Appearances s02e09 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) I REQUIRE YOUR FURNITURE DEPARTMENT, PLEASE.
THE QUALITY SECTION NOT THE PLYWOOD END.
( hums ) GOOD MORNING, AM I SPEAKING TO THE MANAGER? I SHAN'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.
GOOD.
NOW, MY NAME IS "BOUQUET," THAT'S B-U-C-K-E-T.
NO, IT IS "BOUQUET.
" YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT I CALLED IN EARLIER IN THE WEEK TO CHOOSE A THREE-PIECE SUITE.
YOU DO REMEMBER VIVIDLY, HOW VERY NICE.
THAT'S RIGHT, I CALLED IN THE WEEK BEFORE, TOO.
YES, AND THE WEEK BEFORE THAT.
WELL, THESE THINGS ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO RUSH.
NOW YOU REMEMBER THAT I FINALLY OPTED FOR A VERY SUPERIOR SUITE WHICH YOU ASSURED ME WAS AN EXACT REPLICA OF ONE AT SANDRINGHAM HOUSE.
AND YOU PROMISED DELIVERY TODAY.
I'M RINGING TO ASCERTAIN THE PRECISE TIME THAT YOU INTEND TO DELIVER, AND WILL IT BE IN ONE OF YOUR VANS WITH THE ROYAL WARRANT ON? ALL YOUR VANS HAVE THE ROYAL WARRANT-- THAT'S GOOD.
ON BOTH SIDES? BECAUSE IF IT'S ONLY ON THE ONE SIDE I SHALL WANT YOU TO PARK FACING TOWN.
YOU HAVE THE ROYAL WARRAN ON BOTH SIDES, THAT'S VERY GOOD.
THEY DO.
THEY HAVE THE ROYAL WARRAN ON BOTH SIDES.
- OF WHAT? - OF THEIR DELIVERY VAN.
OH, THAT'S IMPORTANT, IS IT? WELL, OF COURSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
I WANT TO MAKE QUITE SURE THAT HE CAN BE SEEN BY NUMBER 23.
OH, THE BARKER-FINCHES.
BARKER-FINCHES INDEED.
WHAT AN AFFECTATION.
SHE WAS A BARKER, HE WAS A FINCH, SUDDENLY THEY'RE HYPHENATED.
I CAN'T BARE THAT SORT OF SNOBBERY.
NOW RICHARD, WE MUST MAKE QUITE SURE THAT SHE HAS A CLEAR VIEW OF THE ROYAL WARRAN ON THE SIDE OF THAT VAN.
COME ALONG, DEAR, THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
BUT WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE MEASURING? WHAT DOES IT MATTER, AS LONG AS WE'RE SEEN TO BE MEASURING? IT WILL AROUSE PEOPLE'S CURIOSITY.
ESPECIALLY THE NOSY BARKER-FINCHES.
SHE'LL NEVER RES UNTIL SHE FINDS OU WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WHAT SHE'S LIKE.
I'LL STAND HERE AND YOU TAKE THIS TAPE SOMEWHERE DOWN THERE.
NO MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, RICHARD! MAKE I LOOK IMPORTANT.
MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD.
NOW MAKING IMPORTANT NOTE.
RICHARD! WE'D BETTER MEASURE THE WIDTH OF THE DOOR.
THIS GIVES THEM THE CLUE THAT WE'RE EXPECTING A DELIVERY.
I CAN'T SEE ANYBODY WATCHING ANYWAY.
TRUST ME, RICHARD.
I CAN TELL BY THE PSYCHIC PAIN BETWEEN MY SHOULDER BLADES, THERE'RE SHARP EYES BEHIND THOSE CURTAINS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE OLD SUITE? I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.
( phone rings ) Rose: I'LL GET IT! IT'S PROBABLY BORIS! I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BRUISES THIS MORNING.
OH, IT'S YOU, HYACINTH.
NO, NO, I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE BORIS.
WELL, I HAD, BUT WE MADE IT UP LAST NIGHT-- TWICE.
WELL, YES, OUR DAISY'S HERE.
WELL, OF COURSE I CAN PASS YOU OVER TO OUR DAISY.
OF COURSE SHE'S UP-- WE'RE ALL UP.
WHAT DID YOU THINK WE ARE, A BUNCH OF LAYABOUTS? IT'S FOR YOU, OUR DAISY.
GET YOUR BODY UP! - FOR ME? - IT'S OUR HYACINTH.
SHE THINKS YOU'RE STILL IN BED.
DAMN CHEEK! WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS? IT'S OUR HYACINTH ON THE TELEPHONE.
OH.
THAT'S INCONVENIENCE AT THIS HOUR.
STILL LET'S FACE IT, YOUR HYACINTH ON THE TELEPHONE IS BETTER OFF THAN YOUR HYACINTH IN PERSON.
GOD FORBID.
I WONDER WHAT SHE WANTS.
WHAT HAVE I DONE SHE MIGH HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT? STOP WORRYING, YOU'RE A FREE SPIRIT-- A MARRIED WOMAN IN YOUR OWN RIGHT.
MISTRESS OF YOUR OWN ESTABLISHMENT.
THERE'S NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY WITH YOUR HYACINTH.
IT'S NO AS IF WE'RE TWINS, BUT SHE KNOWS INSTINCTIVELY WHEN I'M STILL IN BED.
COME ON, DAISY.
RICHARD, I WANT YOU TO ANTICIPATE WHERE DELIVERY MEN OF AVERAGE HEIGH ARE LIABLE TO BRUSH AGAINST MY WALLS, EVEN IF THEY DO POSSES THE ROYAL WARRANT.
I EXPECT YOU TO PREVENT IT, RICHARD.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP THEM BRUSHING AGAINS YOUR WALLS? BY INSERTING YOURSELF BETWEEN THE DELIVERY MAN AND MY WALLPAPER.
- BUT I-- -DAISY! ALL RIGHT, CALM YOURSELF, DAISY.
I'M SORRY IF I SEEMED TO HAVE ACCUSED YOU OF STILL BEING IN BED.
I STAND CHASTENED AND REBUKED.
THEY'RE ALL STILL IN BED.
HOW'S POOR DADDY THIS MORNING? SHOULD I VISIT, DO YOU THINK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT THAT BAD? POOR DADDY.
I'D HAVE HIM HERE IF IT WASN' FOR THE DRIBBLING.
GIVE HIM MY LOVE.
DADDY'S JUST LYING THERE STARING AT THE CEILING.
AT LEAST WHILE HE'S DOING THA HE'S NOT CHASING AFTER LADIES.
NOW, DAISY, PAY ATTENTION, DEAR.
TODAY, I AM HAVING A NEW THREE-PIECE SUITE DELIVERED.
IT'S AN EXACT REPLICA OF ONE AT SANDRINGHAM HOUSE.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGH LIKE TO HAVE MY OLD ONE SINCE YOURS IS, WELL, SHALL WE SAY A TRIFLE WEATHERED? I SHALL MISS MY OLD SUITE.
WE'VE HAD SOME HAPPY HOURS ON THIS SUITE.
AND YOU, OUR ROSE, WHEN YOU USED TO COME HOME LATE WITH YOUR GENTLEMAN FRIENDS.
YOU'VE HAD SOME HAPPY HOURS ON THIS SUITE.
BORIS, YOU SWINE, YOU SAID YOU'D RING ME.
YOU WERE WAITING FOR SOME MAGIC WORDS? ( laughs ) YOU OLD SOFTIE.
GO ON.
TELL ME THE WORDS YOU WANT TO HEAR.
REVERSE THE CHARGES? YOU CHEEKY SWINE.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS NECESSARY? OF COURSE IT'S NECESSARY.
WE ACQUIRED THEM FOR JUST THIS SOR OF OCCASION.
NOW, COME ALONG.
NOW DON'T WORRY, DEAR, BE BRISK AND DECISIVE.
I THINK THE DOMINAN CONE HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEN ITS PARTNER HERE, DEAR.
AND TO COMPLETE THE TRIAD I THINK THE EQUIDISTAN ONE HERE.
ALL RIGHT? ( doorbell rings ) ( doorbell rings ) - GOOD MORNING-- - HYACINTH! HE'S SO SHY, POOR DEAR.
I DO SEEM TO HAVE THIS RATHER POWERFUL EFFEC ON HIM.
( doorbell rings ) I REALLY THINK HE'S A LITTLE ATTRACTED TO ME.
JUST A SMIDGEN.
( doorbell rings ) WHO'S THA AT THE DOOR? - HYACINTH! - HYACINTH?! YOU HAVEN' LEFT HER ON THE DOORSTEP? ONLY BECAUSE I'M NO BIG ENOUGH TO THROW HER BACK ONTO THE STREET.
YOU CAN'T LEAVE HER ON THE DOORSTEP.
WE CAN TRY, LIZ, IF WE BOTH PULL TOGETHER WE CAN TRY.
YOU'VE GOT A THING ABOUT HYACINTH.
DON'T LET HER IN, SHE'LL SING AT ME! SHE MUST HAVE HAD SOME REASON TO COME TO THE DOOR, AND IT CAN'T BE TO SING AT YOU.
WELL, SHE WILL! SHE'LL SING AT ME! DO COME IN, HYACINTH.
GOOD MORNING, ELIZABETH DEAR.
THANK YOU.
I'VE JUST POPPED IN TO INVITE YOU TO A LITTLE THREE-PIECE-SUITE- WARMING THIS EVENING.
IT'S JUST AN INFORMAL LITTLE GATHERING.
WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER? - ( gasps ) - GOOD MORNING, EMMET.
ISN'T HE SHY? SHALL WE SAY 7:00 THEN? AND WHEN WE'VE ALL ADMIRED THE SUITE, PERHAPS EMME WOULD RUN OFF A LITTLE RONDELLETO IN ITS HONOR.
I'M OFF MEN.
THAT'S IT-- FINISHED.
THERE ISN'T ONE WORTH SHAVING YOUR LEGS FOR.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD SHAVE MINE? FOR ONSLOW? OH, I SHOULDN'T BOTHER, LOVE.
YOUR DAD'S JUST LYING THERE, STARING AT THE CEILING.
WE KNOW, THEY MADE HIS PILLS STRONGER.
AT LEAST YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS A DIRTY OLD MAN.
HE WASN' A DIRTY OLD MAN.
HE JUST LIKED THE LADIES, THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S THE FIRS QUALIFICATION.
ONSLOW, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I SHAVED MY LEGS? I'D THINK IT WAS TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
- YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HONESTY.
- HAVE YOU TEA MASHED? IT'S VERY DIFFICUL TO KEEP THE INTERES OF THE MAN YOU MARRIED AND STILL TO FIND TIME FOR YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS.
( gasps ) ONSLOW! WE'RE GETTING A THREE-PIECE SUITE, OUR HYACINTH'S OLD ONE! IT LOOKS LIKE NEW.
ISN'T IT GOING TO CLASH WITH OUR DECOR? ONLY IF WE WANT IT, WE'VE GOT TO ARRANGE TO COLLECT IT.
THERE YOU GO.
I HATE IT WHEN THINGS GET COMPLICATED.
HYACINTH, WHEN THE VAN DOES COME, HOW CAN YOU MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT MRS.
BARKER-FINCH WILL SEE IT? I SHALL CALL HER ON THE TELEPHONE.
WHAT, TO INVITE HER TO LOOK AT THE VAN? NOW LOOK, RICHARD, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, DEAR.
SURELY YOU HAVEN' FORGOTTEN HOW RUDE SHE WAS AT MY PIANOFORTE RECITAL? OH, WHICH ONE WAS THAT? I WILL NOT HAVE PSEUDO-HYPHENATED PEOPLE BOASTING ABOUT THEIR HOLIDAYS ABROAD, WHILE I'M SINGING A SELECTION FROM "SONG OF NORWAY.
" - COME ALONG, DEAR.
- OHHH! KEEP WATCH NOW.
I WANT TO KNOW THE SECOND THAT VAN ARRIVES.
I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY TO HER.
I SHAN' SAY ANYTHING.
I SHALL JUST BRING HER TO THE TELEPHONE, AND PUT MINE DOWN.
WHAT'S THE POIN OF THAT? THE POINT, RICHARD, IS THAT SHE WILL BE STANDING NEAR HER WINDOW, WITH THE PHONE IN HER HAND, WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT LOOK OUT AND SEE THE VAN.
- ( gasps ) THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT! I KNOW MY SUITE'S IN FLAMES ON THE MOTORWAY! I KNOW IT! OR PERHAPS IT'S DADDY! - HE'S BEEN TAKEN ILL, HE'S GONE TO THE HOSPITAL! - OH! OH, HOW INCONVENIEN ON THE DAY OF MY SUITE-WARMING! ANSWER THE TELEPHONE, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING! OH, DEAR.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
NOW LOOK, IF THIS IS BAD NEWS PLEASE SPEAK SLOWLY AND SOLEMNLY.
IF SOMEONE HAS INCINERATED MY SUITE, OR IF DADDY'S IN HOSPITAL-- OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET, THANK GOODNESS.
LOOK, DEAR, I CAN'T STAY LONG, I'M EXPECTING A THREE-PIECE SUITE.
IT'S AN EXACT REPLICA OF ONE AT SANDRINGHAM HOUSE.
YES, YOU MUST COME AND SEE IT, DEAR.
COME IN THE MERCEDES, YOU KNOW HOW WELL IT LOOKS IN THE DRIVE.
NO, I MUST RUSH, DEAR-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN' MANAGED TO GET A WORD IN EDGEWAYS? I'M SORRY, VIOLET, BUT I AM A LITTLE OVERSTRUNG TODAY.
YE-- WHAT? WHAT ABOUT BRUCE, DEAR? IT'S BRUCE AGAIN, DEAR.
WHAT'S HE DONE NOW? CURB-CRAWLING? VIOLET, TOO MANY DRIVERS THESE DAYS ARE TEARING ABOUT RECKLESSLY.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF BRUCE THAT HE TAKES HIS HIGHWAY CODE SO SERIOUSLY.
OH, LET HIM CURB-CRAWL IF HE WANTS TO, I SAY.
IF ONLY MORE PEOPLE CARED AS MUCH ABOUT ROAD SAFETY.
I THINK HE'S SETTING US ALL A WONDERFUL EXAMPLE.
GOODBYE.
POOR BRUCE.
HE MAY HAVE HIS LITTLE ODDITIES OF BEHAVIOR, BUT HE BUYS MY SISTER EVERYTHING-- A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, A SWIMMING POOL, A TOP-OF-THE-RANGE MERCEDES, AND NOW SHE COMPLAINS WHEN HE DRIVES IT TOO SLOWLY.
ACTUALLY, HYACINTH, CURB CRAWLING IS DRIVING VERY SLOWLY INDEED.
WELL, I THINK IT'D MAKE A WELCOME CHANGE WHEN YOU'RE STANDING WAITING TO CROSS THE ROAD.
IN ALL MY YEARS AS A PEDESTRIAN, I CAN'T RECALL A SINGLE ENCOUNTER WITH A CURB-CRAWLER.
NO, I BET IT'S-- I BET IT'S SOMETHING THE CURB-CRAWLER WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED, TOO.
OH, GOOD, THEY'RE ALL IN THE GARDEN AT VILLA COSTA BLANCA.
THEY'LL SEE THE VAN-- - OH! MY SUITE! I NOW THE VAN'S TOPPLED OVER A BRIDGE - OR IT'S BEEN CRUSHED BY AN AVALANCHE! - STEADY ON! OR DADDY, HIS POOR OLD HEART'S GIVEN WAY AT LAST! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR FATHER'S HEART.
HE CHASED THAT LADY TRAFFIC WARDEN THREE QUARTERS OF A MILE THROUGH THE PARK! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CHASED? THEY JUST HAPPENED TO BE GOING IN THE SAME DIRECTION.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
NOW LOOK, ( panting ) IF IT'S ABOUT MY SUITE, WILL YOU GIVE ME A MOMEN TO STEEL MYSELF? OH, YES, I'LL ACCEPT THE CHARGE.
SHERIDAN! HOW SENSITIVE OF YOU, DEAR, TO RING MOMMY AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE.
YES, HOW MYSTERIOUS THE THREADS THAT BIND US TOGETHER.
HOW MUCH? ISN'T THAT RATHER A LOT, DEAR? DO YOU REALLY NEED ALL THAT? WHY? A WALKING HOLIDAY WITH YOUR FRIEND TARQUIN IN ICELAND? WHY ICELAND, DEAR? OH, YOU WANT TO GO AND WRITE POETRY TOGETHER.
BUT ISN'T ICELAND RATHER DANGEROUS, DEAR? DON'T THEY HAVE VOLCANOS THERE, AND GEYSERS? - THE VAN'S HERE.
- HMM? THE VAN IS HERE! OH, THAT MEANS I WON'T BE ABLE TO RING MRS.
BARKER-FINCH, NOW.
IT'S SHERIDAN, DEAR.
HE WANTS £400 FOR A WALKING HOLIDAY WITH HIS FRIEND TARQUIN.
THEY WANT TO EXPLORE THE GEYSERS IN ICELAND.
£400? FOR THAT MUCH THEY COULD GO BY TAXI.
LOOK, GO AND TALK TO THE VAN DRIVER.
TELL HIM TO GO AROUND THE BLOCK AGAIN.
HOW CAN I ASK HIM TO DO THAT? LOOK, PLEASE, JUST GO, DEAR.
USE YOUR INITIATIVE AND GIVE ME TIME TO LISTEN TO SHERIDAN.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, DEAR.
IT'S A VERY HECTIC DAY HERE.
NO GO ON, REALLY.
BE FIRM, DEAR.
LOOK, SHERIDAN, I'M TERRIBLY WORRIED ABOUT ICELAND.
IT'S SO RUGGED, DEAR, AND SO FAR.
COULDN'T YOU WALK TARQUIN AT FILEY OR FRINTON-ON-SEA? UH, BUCKET? SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S PRONOUNCED "BOUQUET.
" I TELL YOU THAT IN THE SPIRI OF GOOD FELLOWSHIP, IN CASE YOU SHOULD FIND YOURSELF TALKING TO MY WIFE.
ARE WE IN THE RIGHT PLACE? YES, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
THE PLACE IS NOT IN QUESTION, IT'S THE TIMING.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GO ROUND AGAIN? ROUND WHAT? THE BLOCK.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GO ROUND THE BLOCK AGAIN-- JUST A FEW STREETS? BELIEVE ME, IT WOULD MAKE LIFE FOR THOSE OF US WHO LIVE HERE, CONSIDERABLY EASIER.
- WHAT FOR? - EH, WELL, IT'S-- IT'S A LONG STORY - ( coins clank ) - YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO FAR-- JUST ROUND THE BLOCK FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN RETURN.
OH, LISTEN, AT THESE PRICES WE'LL KEEP GOING ROUND AGAIN.
I'M HOPING THAT ONCE WILL BE ENOUGH.
HANG ON, BILL, WE'VE GOT TO GO AROUND THE BLOCK AGAIN.
ARE YOU SURE THAT BEING A POE IS QUITE RESPECTABLE? WOULDN'T SOMETHING EXECUTIVE BE NICER? WE-- D-- NO, LOOK, SHERIDAN, LET'S DISCUSS THIS LATER, DEAR, IT'S A CRITICAL TIME FOR MOMMY.
SHE'S HAVING A THREE-PIECE SUITE.
YES, IT'S AN EXACT REPLICA OF ONE IN SANDRINGHAM HOUSE.
MMM.
NOW, TAKE CARE, DEAR, AND WEAR YOUR KNEE BANDAGE.
AND DADDY SENDS LOVE.
YEAH, AND THAT'S ALL I'M SENDING! I'VE JUST HAD TO BUY A FURNITURE VAN! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, DEAR.
GOODBYE.
SHERIDAN WANTS TO BE A POET.
WELL, THAT'S THIS WEEK.
IT'LL DIE OUT.
I THINK IT'S MY FAULT, I'VE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED HIM TO BE ARTISTIC.
BUT I MEANT WITHIN A PROPER SALARY SCALE AND A DECEN PENSION PLAN.
THE VAN'S GOING ROUND THE BLOCK.
BACK IN TWO MINUTES.
WELL DONE, DEAR.
YOU SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
WHY DOES HE WANT US TO GO ROUND AGAIN? WHO CARES WHY HE WANTS US TO GO AROUND AGAIN? HERE, YOU COUNT IT.
YOU DROPPED HALF OF IT! ( crash ) BARKER-FINCH.
BARKER-FINCH.
BARKER-FINCH OH, DON'T DILLY-DALLY, DEAR.
THERE CAN'T BE THAT MANY BARKER-FINCHES IN THE BOOK.
WELL, I HAVEN'T FOUND ONE, YET.
THE VAN WILL BE BACK AGAIN BEFORE I GE A CHANCE TO RING HER.
HERE IT IS.
3-4-1-9-7.
3-4-1-9-7.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? LOOK, THE WOMAN CHATTED THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH MY PIANOFORTE RECITAL.
SHE RUINED MY RALLENTANDOS.
THAT'S BROUGHT HER TO THE WINDOW.
NOW WHERE'S THAT VAN? MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE RUNG FIRST.
SHE SAID WE HAD TO COLLECT IT, DIDN'T SHE? SHE WANTS THE OLD SUITE OUT OF THE WAY, DOESN'T SHE? I WONDER IF HE'S IN NEXT DOOR.
THE DIVORCED PERSON.
OH, HE LOOKS SO SAD.
HE NEEDS THE SKILLS OF SOMEONE SYMPATHETIC TO CHEER HIM UP.
OH, NOW DON'T YOU STAR MAULING HIM AGAIN, OUR ROSE.
I WOULDN'T CALL I MAULING HIM, I WAS JUS SYMPATHIZING.
YOU COULD GET THREE YEARS FOR SYMPATHY LIKE THAT.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
I'VE GOT TO HAND I TO YOUR HYACINTH, SHE'S CERTAINLY ORGANIZED.
LIZ, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL OLD TRUCK DOING OUTSIDE HYACINTH'S? GET RID OF THEM! THEY'VE COME FOR THE SUITE.
YOU OFFERED THEM OUR OLD SUITE.
GET RID OF THEM! YEA, GODS, WITH MRS.
BARKER-FINCH WATCHING, THIS IS ALL I NEED.
ONSLOW IN SOME BORROWED DEATH-TRAP OF A VEHICLE.
- GET RID OF THEM! - WHAT ABOUT OUR SUITE? OH, TELL THEM TO COME BACK LATER-- AFTER DARK PROVIDING THERE ISN' A MOON.
I CAN'T JUST ASK THEM TO GO AWAY.
RICHARD, YOU KNOW I LOVE MY FAMILY, BUT THAT'S NO REASON WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
NOW GO OUT THERE AND CONVINCE MRS.
BARKER-FINCH THAT THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE WHO HAVE STOPPED TO ASK US THE WAY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? SHE'S STANDING BY HER WINDOW, SHE CANNOT HEAR WHAT'S BEING SAID.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT LOOK AS THOUGH WE'RE JUS GIVING DIRECTIONS TO PASSING STRANGERS.
OHHHH, WATCH ME, DEAR, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
MAY I HELP YOU PEOPLE? All: YOU PEOPLE? HER MIND'S GONE.
WHY SHOULD HER MIND HAVE GONE? SHE HAS NO ROMANCE IN HER LIFE.
MINE WOULD HAVE GONE.
SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH NO ROMANCE IN HER LIFE.
WHAT ABOUT LAST WEEK? THAT WAS THE WEEK BEFORE.
OH.
KEEPING RECORDS NOW, ARE WE? THE BLONDE ONE'S THERE! THE ONE THAT'S ALWAYS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME! OH, YES.
ROSE.
IF THEY'RE FAMILY, WHY IS HYACINTH ACTING AS IF THEY'RE STRANGERS? THAT'S THE IMPRESSION SHE LIKES TO GIVE.
YOU DON'T THINK THE BLONDE ONE WILL TRY AND FORCE HER WAY IN? IN HERE? I HARDLY THINK SO.
I WISH YOU'D SOUND A BIT MORE OPTIMISTIC.
THE POINT IS, MY SUITE HASN'T ARRIVED, YET.
I'M EXPECTING THE VAN ANY MINUTE.
SO IF YOU COULD CLEAR THIS AREA, AND PERHAPS POP BACK LATER AFTER DARK-- WELL AFTER DARK.
I'LL HAVE YOUR SUITE WAITING, YOU CAN COLLECT IT THEN AND TAKE IT OFF DOWN THERE.
TAKE THE FIRS TURN LEFT, AND PROCEED ALONG UNTIL YOU COME AS FAR AS-- AND INSTEAD OF STANDING THERE LOOKING AT ME WITH YOUR MOUTHS WIDE OPEN, WHY DON'T YOU ALL GET BACK INTO THAT VEHICLE, DRIVE OFF IN THAT DIRECTION, TAKE THE FIRST TURNING LEFT, WHICH WILL BRING YOU TO YOU-KNOW-WHERE.
IT HAS-- HER MIND'S GONE.
I THINK IT'S SAD.
YES, BUT WE STILL GE THE SUITE.
OH, GIVE MY REGARDS TO HIM THAT'S DIVORCED NEXT DOOR.
THANK GOODNESS THAT'S OVER.
FANCY BRINGING A VEHICLE IN THAT CONDITION INTO A RESIDENTIAL AREA.
IF SHERIDAN WERE HERE, HE'D BE APPALLED.
RICHARD, I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE - AND LOOK LIKE SOMEONE EXPECTING A VAN.
- HYACINTH! THAT SHOULD KEEP MRS.
BARKER-FINCH AT HER WINDOW.
( phone rings ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
NO I CANNOT SEND ROUND ANOTHER PORTION OF STIR-FRIED SQUID WITH FISH BALLS AND BROCCOLI! THIS IS NOT THE GREEN LOTUS CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.
I MAY ONLY BE ONE DIGIT REMOVED, BUT BELIEVE ME, IT'S A WHOLE NOTHER WORLD.
I HEARD THAT, AND IT WASN'T CHINESE.
YOU SUITE IS HERE.
OH, AT LAST! LET'S HOPE THAT MRS.
BARKER-FINCH IS STILL AT THE WINDOW.
JUST THE SUITE'S HERE, NOT THE VAN.
- NOT THE VAN? - NO.
NOT THE VAN WITH THE ROYAL WARRANT?! NO, I'M AFRAID NOT, IT'S HAD AN ACCIDEN IN THE NEXT STREET.
OH, NO! BUT SURELY THEIR RELIEF VAN DISPLAYS THE ROYAL WARRANT? WELL, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THEIR RELIEF VAN, IT'S JUST SOMEBODY WHO'S COME TO THE RESCUE.
OH! I DID-- OH.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF THEM, DEAR.
WHEN THE SUITE'S IN PLACE, WE'LL HAVE TO ASK THEM IN.
THEY CAN HAVE TEA OUT OF MY ROYAL DOULTON WITH THE HAND-PAINTED PERIWINKLES.
BUT, OH, AFTER ALL MY TROUBLE, MRS.
BARKER-FINCH AT THE WINDOW, AND NOT A ROYAL WARRAN IN SIGHT.
BUT NEVER MIND, IT'S HERE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT VAN! ( chuckles ) HEY, GOOD JOB WE WERE PASSING.
YES, ISN'T IT? WELL, ISN'T IT? I SUPPOSE SO.
I SUPPOSE ONSLOW MEANT WELL.
WE BETTER TIP THE FURNITURE MEN, RICHARD.
AGAIN? DOES ONSLOW STILL GE TEA WHEN HE'S FINISHED? OH, OF COURSE HE CAN HAVE TEA AFTERWARDS.
BUT NOT OUT OF MY ROYAL DOULTON AND HE WON'T SI ON MY NEW SUITE, EITHER.
( theme song playing )