Key and Peele (2012) s02e09 Episode Script

Hey, watch where the [bleep.]
you going.
- Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
I didn't see you had a baby there, man.
I'm sorry.
I ain't trying to fight nobody with a baby.
Yeah, h-hell yeah, you won't.
Pfft.
- Lucky mother[bleep.]
.
- Oh, yeah? Well, you're lucky I'm carrying this baby.
What's up with that? Look, man, you need to move on, all right? I already told you I'm not gonna fight you.
Huh.
That's what I thought, punk.
- Psh.
- You wanna go? 'cause we can go right now, dog.
What's goin' on, brother? Man, what the hell are you doing, man? What, what, what? You tr what, what? Tryin' to bo I can bob and weave it.
- What? - You bitch-ass, punk-ass mother[bleep.]
, let's go.
Come on, man.
Come on.
No, no, don't look at your boys.
Look at me, man.
Don't look at your b Ow.
Oh, okay, you think you hard.
All right, but you know what? I'ma show you what time it is right now.
Okay? Slap me.
I'm just right? How 'bout this, huh? Now what you gonna do, huh? Now what you gonna do? You ready? 'cause we can do it right now.
'cause I could take you out, man.
You're nothing Aaah Ow! Oh! Oof.
Okay.
Oh, it's on now.
That's yep.
You dead.
You dead.
Excuse me, I need this.
Yeah.
Necesito un bebe.
- Gracias.
Listen.
What the What now, man? What now? Let's go.
You know what? It's not even worth it, man.
Ahh, ha ha.
That's what I thought! So keep walking! Oh.
Okay, that's vomit.
That is vomit.
Oh, dear.
You know what's going on.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you! - Oh, yeah.
Hello! Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
- Key and Peele.
- Thank you for coming out.
That's our names.
All right.
So one thing that is true is that I would never, uh, last in a gang.
- Nor would I.
- No.
Nor would I, not for one moment.
I mean, I don't get the whole hand sign thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'd be throwing up, "Hey, live long and prosper, mother[bleep.]
.
" You know? - That's what I got.
- I I would be too concerned about the colors.
- Right.
- I would just be too c I would 'cause I don't understand the colors.
I don't understand the rhyme or the reason.
Now, Bloods I get that one.
Why are Crips blue? Is that a arbitrary choice? Is there a Crip in the house? Nobody? Nobody? I'm just I'm just Yes, ma'am, please.
Why are the Crips blue? She just r "I'm a Crip.
I'm a Crip.
"I'm a Crip.
Say somethin' else.
" - "Watch yourself.
" - "Say somethin' else.
" "Watch yourself.
"'cause, [bleep.]
, I got three guns on me right now.
" What? What? What? What? What? What? Check yo'self, before I body pierce your damn skull.
Think you can pull that trigger 'fore I blow your personality out the back of yo' head? Then go right ahead and test the hypothesis and see what happens.
A'ight, I'ma give you a straight-up vampire C-section, - like we was - Edward and Bella.
Hold up.
You like Twilight? Yeah, I like Twilight, [bleep.]
.
You like Twilight? [bleep.]
, Twilight's my jam.
You a Edward [bleep.]
or a Jacob [bleep.]
? Answer that [bleep.]
together.
- Three, two, one.
- Edward.
- Shi - Shi - Are you [bleep.]
ing with me? - Are you [bleep.]
ing with me? You either playing some [bleep.]
ed-up game, or you are straight-up inside my head.
Yo, and when you said you was gonna blow my personality out the back of my head, I'm like, "That sounds like some [bleep.]
I would say.
" - Psh.
- And now this Twilight [bleep.]
? - It's wavelength, [bleep.]
.
- So I guess we friends then.
- Oh, we best friends now.
We the best of friends! - BFFs? - We are BFFs, M.
F.
When I'm with you The world stops turning around When I'm with you Our feet are off the ground When I'm with you Trumpets start to sound When I'm with you It's Heaven when you're around La, la, la, la No, you didn't! - No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did! That is a cra That's a crazy story, man.
Whew, too much, boy.
Team Edward.
Mm, mm, mm.
Well, looks like another gang-related killing.
Surprise, sur-mother[bleep.]
- prise.
You guys remember the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? - Awful show.
- That show was crazy.
It was, like, the worst editing in the history of TV.
Just bad sound effects.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I mean When was the last time you heard a hit sound like that? - That doesn't sound like any - No, never.
No, I've never I've never heard that, yeah.
I love in kung fu movies, and it, probably it'd be like, just the wind, just And you just hear that noise.
- No, you can't.
- Exactly, no, you can't do that.
Saving Earth from space Power Falcons! Yellow Falcon, what do your senses tell ya? Destructo is a killing machine.
His armor is impervious to our blasters.
You got any ideas, Red Falcon? Sure do, Yellow Falcon.
Blue Falcon, you remember our battle at Dango Bluff? I'll take the legs, you take the blasters.
It was Beaver Creek, and I took the legs.
Make sure you shore up that flank, Black Falcon.
Um, are you talking to me? Because I'm the Green Falcon.
No time for that, Black Falcon.
Purple Falcon, arm missiles! Roger that.
Arming missiles now.
Uh Battle formations.
We're going in.
- Hey.
- Roger that.
- Hold up.
- Copy that.
- Roger.
- My Falcon is green.
Hey, hey, hey.
We can talk about our Falcon colors when we get back to base, Black Falcon.
Right now, we got a mission to do.
Fall into Falcon formation.
Well, now, here's the issue is that, you're gonna give me an order, I'm not gonna know you're talking to me.
'causeI'm not in a Black Falcon.
Come on, chill it out, Black Falcon.
Yeah, Black Falcon, relax.
First of all, I don't like the way you guys are saying "black.
" Second of all, there is no Black Falcon! I'm Green Falcon! Black Falcon, homie, no one's trying to get up in your grill here.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Don't talk to me like that.
No, don't say "grill" like that.
I'm the Green Falcon, and I Oh, stop being so Black Falcon about it.
What the [bleep.]
do you mean by that? Black Falcon, brother, I understand what you're going through.
Do you? No, I don't think you do.
How would you feel if I called you Red Falcon, huh? Whoa! And Purple Falcon, how would you feel if I called you Yellow Falcon, huh? - That's racist.
- That was racist.
- Yeah, that's racist.
- Ooh, that is racist.
That's racist? Oh, see, okay, nope, forget it.
Black Falcon out Green Falcon! Green Falcon! Damn it! Hey! Why'd that Green Falcon fall out of Falcon formation? Black Falcon, get on that and report back.
Black Falcon? Black Falcon, come in.
Saving Earth from space Power Falcons! You know what's ridiculous? When people go to prison because they they're trying to cover for somebody else.
- Yeah.
- Don't go to prison.
If you if you do if you didn't do the crime Both: Don't do the time.
It's true.
And that's one to grow on.
But, you know, in prison they, you know It's not worth anything.
- No, it's not.
- It's not worth anything to just straight-up get manhandled, and horseplayed, and monkeyed around.
No, you don't want any - Eh, yeah, no.
- You don't want to have animal interactions with another man behind bars.
I don't want any rascally behavior.
- I don't need - You don't want everybody's undying respect when I get out is not worth it.
- No, and as a matter of fact - I don't care.
you might not get that undying respect - Respect, yes.
- If, you know when you fart it goes wooh like a bottle.
like a bottle.
Like an empt I'm sorry.
Ma'am Breathe.
Yo, man, you okay in here? Everyone on the outside know you didn't talk.
We got mad respect for you, dog.
All right? Mad respect.
Yes.
And I am still happy with that decision.
The first time I was in lockup, dog, I was scared [bleep.]
less, man.
Scared [bleep.]
less, yes.
That is an accurate way to describe it.
Yeah, man, but, you know, it wasn't too long before I made this place my bitch.
Oh, eh, there's plenty of that going on.
Yo, I ran this place, man.
Come on, man, you must be running this [bleep.]
hole.
Well, I am doing quite a bit of running.
Man, you know there's a certain pecking order in prison.
You know, you got the brothers on the top, and you got the brothers on the bottom.
You understand.
Yes, I understand that very clearly and very frequently.
That's my dog.
Now the reason I came, though, is we got kind of a problem.
You know a crazy brother in here go by the name of "Seven Inch"? Yes.
I definitely know Seven Inch.
All right, well Seven Inch run with the Willis brothers, all right? And he knows some [bleep.]
that Well, let's just say we can't have this guy naming names.
All right? We thought since you on the inside, you could take care of it.
You know what I'm talking about? You want me to take care of Seven Inch? Yeah, you know, just take him out the equation.
The problem is getting time with him.
Oh, I can get time with him.
Oh, yes, I do believe I will most likely be seeing him this evening.
That's awesome.
Okay, but you you gotta get him alone, though.
Ohhh That won't be a problem.
Okay, well, uh What's your plan, man? How you gonna do it? What do you say I bite his [bleep.]
off? Excuse me? Just bring my teeth down hard on his [bleep.]
.
Dog, how you how you gonna get that close? JustWay ahead of you on that one.
Oh, man.
You bad, man.
That's that's some hard [bleep.]
, dog.
This place has changed you, man.
You have no idea.
- I'm scared of cops.
- You're scared of cops? I'm scared of cops.
I-I mean, I'm generally afraid of cops because when I walk around with, like, a black friend, like you I start I start talking a little bit more thug - 'cause, you know - No, I know.
- We nee yeah.
- Because we need the extra power.
- We need this.
- To make one full black person.
- We need this.
- So, you know.
It's gotta be right about - this level right - I swear to God But you know what I'm saying, brother? You know what I'm saying? Didn't you just get more comfortable all of a sudden? Yeah, all right.
So, but a cop if a cop comes up to me on the street and, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" I-I turn into [bleep.]
Ned Flanders.
It's all, "Hi-dee-oh.
"Doing just fine.
Just walking down the street "on a stroll, my friend.
"Come on, follow me.
"We'll find some criminals together, let's do it.
" Oh, man.
- "I'll tell on anyone.
" - So "I'll tell on" Was I speeding, officer? You don't look like you're from around here.
No, sir.
You been doing any drugs tonight? No, sir.
- Nope? - No.
Why don't you pop that trunk, step out of the vehicle for me, please.
- Really? - Yeah.
No drugs, huh? Nope.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You planted that in my car.
Oh, did I? Or did I plant this? Uh I real I guess Up against the car, right now.
- Oh! - Spread 'em! - Uh - Huh, what's going Whoa, whoa.
What do we have here, huh? - What? - These your colors, homie? - That's that's not mine.
Huh - Huh? - No, I don't know what that - What? No? Or are these your colors? Or perhaps these are your colors.
Or are these ? Look at all these colors.
Man, you sure got a lot of colors.
- I don't - Look at all of these colors.
- What, this is - Wasah! - Are you a real cop? - Freeze! What is that? Mm.
Well, well, well.
It looks like an illegal firearm.
Or Is it? Ahh.
Oh.
I'm I don't I don't know what this is.
- I'm sorry.
- Pick a card.
That's not even a good fan.
Any card.
You can just stick there.
- Okay, you took that card? - Yeah.
- Now, can you remember that card? - Yes.
Can you commit that card to memory? - This is unbelievable.
- Have you done so? - Have you done so? - Yes.
Please insert the card back into the deck randomly.
Done.
It's in a different place than where you took it originally? - There.
- There we are.
There we are.
- This is ridiculous.
- Now, I take the deck like so.
I give it a "skasloisles" and "abracasloish.
" Uh, fu wha Okay Ahh.
Is this your card? - No! - Are you sure? I want your badge number.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Uh uh wha Okay - Oh! - Haah.
Uh It's my ca How did you do that? Ahh.
And that is for you.
After all that, you're still giving me a ticket? Is it a ticket? Or is it a two-for-one coupon for my show at the Magic House Thursday night at 11:00 p.
m.
? Your call.
I'll take the ticket.
Great.
Okay.
Do you want to talk about that tweet? - Well there yes, there was - Yeah.
Wha uh, a few months ago, I did a a tweet that, uh it was a basically, a hypothetical.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it asked the question, "What if names were farts?" - Mm-hmm.
- What if, instead of names, we had signature farts? We were identified, personally, by farts.
And we felt that it was a good idea to use lots of Comedy Central's money to bring you this scene based on that very premise.
Shame on you if you laugh.
Please, enjoy.
- Honey, someone's here.
- Oh.
Okay.
Oh, hey , good to see you.
Thanks for having us, .
This is my girlfriend, .
We're so happy you could join us.
And this is my wife, .
So this is the infamous and .
has told me so much about you both.
All good things I hope.
You can never trust .
Hey, wait a minute.
And please, please, don't call me .
It makes me think my mother's around someplace.
Oh.
Hey, you know, where is little ? Oh, she's at 's house for a slumber party.
- Ah.
- Oh, um, and , there's this is the couple from New York that we wanted you guys to meet.
Uh, this is and her husband .
They're gonna be in New York for a few weeks, so we were hoping you could give them some tips.
- Ooh.
- Sure.
Oh, that'd be great.
So, how do you know and ? Oh, well and I went to School of Dramatic Arts, back when was working in midtown.
- Mm.
- Oh, where did you work? I was at , , , and .
Oh, the law firm.
- Hey! - Oh, hey.
- Ha! - How are you? - It's so good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Come here.
Hey, everybody, this is .
I want you meet one of my dearest, oldest friends, .
This is his girlfriend, .
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Of course, you know .
- Oh, hi.
- This is , and this is her husband, .
- Hi.
- What a beautiful name.
You know, I knew a in grad school.
Oh.
Well, thank you, but it's actually pronounced Wow, I swear that sounds like what you were saying .
I don't know.
Anyways, it's lovely to meet you all.
Yeah, yeah, okay, yes.
Robert! I'm so sorry.
Heinrich! I'll show myself to the restroom.
Wow, uh - Jeez.
- So rude.
Well, for 's sake.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I am the Yellow Falcon.
I am the Black Fal Green Falcon! - Green, oh-- - Green Falcon! Good night, everybody.
Take care.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.