Legends of Chamberlain Heights (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Attention, Black Holes.
As you know, it's homecoming week.
For those making floats, don't forget this year's theme: "A Midsummer's Nightmare on Crenshaw.
" Aye, I love homecoming.
Thirsties be ready to smash.
Anything that gots the words "ho" and "coming" in it is cool in my book.
[laughter.]
Now that Cindy's finally cut Randy, I'ma she if she tryin' to double dribble these balls at homecoming.
Basically, you're going to the dance No Hope Solo.
[laughter.]
Quit hating, Fatty Wap.
I bet I get a date before you.
[both arguing indistinctly.]
There you are, you little fruity snitch! Oh, my god.
Randy, don't make a scene.
[grunts.]
You're the reason Cindy broke up with me! How dare you tell her that my sexuality is complicated? Ain't nothing complicated about you liking men, boo boo.
[laughter.]
Well, there's nothing complicated about kicking your ass.
[grunts.]
Oh, shit.
It looks like Cindy's boy is getting punked.
- We should help him.
- Andre bigger than all of us.
She don't need no help.
Somebody should help her do a better job - tucking that meat print, homey.
- First of all, pause.
Second of all, if I stick up for Cindy's boy, hopefully she'll let me stick it up in her.
Shum on.
KickHisAss,Randy.
HeOnSomeMichaelSamTypeShit.
Let him go, buster.
Hating on someone 'cause they're gay is like me hating on you 'cause you gay.
Students: Boo! I'll suck his [bleep.]
.
I mean, "boo!" I'm not a homophobe.
That's why I'm getting in his ass.
[crowd gasps.]
I-I-I mean, I'm getting in his ass because I'm not gay.
[crowd gasps again.]
I-I-I mean, [bleep.]
you guys.
Wow, I didn't know you were woke, Grover.
- Open-minded men are so sexy.
- I'm opened minded as hell.
Shit, I almost cried when George Michael died.
Yeah, gay nigs are straight 2x09 - "Hom-coming" [funky hip-hop music.]
Damn, Andre pimp hand is strong.
He hang out with all the rainbow tasties.
Yeah, dem fruit flies is nice.
Did you see how they were treating us? And just wait till they see us in our new shirts.
Hey, Grover.
I can't thank you enough for doing what you did earlier.
You know, it takes a real man to stand up to bullying.
Don't sweat it, Andre.
You know you'll always be our nig.
- Mmm.
Okay.
- Grover, you guys are F.
A.
G.
s too? - Yeah, we some big fags.
- And we proud of it, homey.
Of course.
I told you I was woke.
I can't stand to see my Fairykhan nigs hated on.
Oh, really? Well, I'm running for homecoming queen.
Keep it up, and who knows maybe you'll be my king.
Shit, more like a Sacramento King.
[laughs.]
Just to let you know, we're doing a gay pride float for the homecoming parade.
Uh you guys should all be on my, um [clears throat.]
staff.
[laughs.]
Kidding! - [whispers.]
No, I'm not.
- Eww! Dis nigga.
- We'll be there.
- Great! Tootles! See you later, New Booty.
[smooth R&B music.]
- Mwah! - Oh! Ew! - I got Oxy.
- I'm good.
- I got Percs and Zanys.
- No, thank you.
I'm fine.
No white lady's ever fine! I see cuts on arm.
This make pain go away.
- Make everything okay for six hour.
- [bleep.]
off, Tokyo Drift.
Man, we been at it all day and ain't made no money yet.
What's going on? It's not like white middle-aged women suddenly got self-esteem and happiness.
I'm no detective and stuff, but maybe it has something to do with that over there.
[girls chanting.]
Girl Scout Cookies.
Girl Scout Cookies.
Girl Scout Cookies.
Look, Boss.
They're full of gluten, MSG, and sugar, the most addictive drug on planet.
Man, they should be handing out insulin with each box.
That diabetes is no joke, ese.
It took my mom's cleaning arm.
Are you kidding? Slingin' on my block? Come on.
All: Look left.
Look right.
Not a car in sight.
[rhythmic drumbeat.]
Aye, who you supposed to be? My name is Sarah Runningwater, and we're a part of the original Girl Scouts.
OGS on mine, my Injun.
[whooping and beating drum rhythmically.]
Well, I'm Malik, and the only tribe around here is Quest.
And this is my pipeline, Dakota.
Well, Boondocks, this is my land.
And we're not giving it up again.
You must be on that firewater if you think you can come on my block selling those over-processed baked goods.
I been slangin' here since I was six, and I have no reservations about moving you.
We're not going anywhere.
Nah, see, you got a choice.
Either you kick rocks or we gonna turn y'all into red dots.
So what's it gonna be? All right, Little Brown Running Mouth, you win for now.
[horses galloping.]
I love your skirt, Jamal.
Way to tear down masculine paradigms.
Yeah, Jaden Smith wears one, and ain't no better role models than celebrities' childrens.
You're cute, Jamal.
You know, if we got married, I would let you take my last name.
You fine too, Hillary.
[thinking.]
Oh, shit! I think Hillary gon' let me [bleep.]
raw.
It's so nice to meet cisgendered boys at Duncan who are ahead of the curve.
So what got you interested in the LGBTQ struggle? Oh Uh My bitch-ass stepdad is gay.
He got AIDS and everything else, too.
Oh, you poor thing.
Here, let me give you a hug.
[thinking.]
Oh, shit, Rachel gonna let me [bleep.]
raw.
And I think we should have transgender bathrooms.
When you don't know whether to sit or stand, - it's your choice.
- Me too! You know, I thought all you hoopers were the same: just a bunch of idiots that only think with their penises.
But you're different.
Oh, shit, Cindy gonna let Grover [bleep.]
her.
Raw.
Guys: # Legends # [clears throat.]
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but can y'all pick up the pace a little bit? I mean, we are totes behind sched.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
In a minute.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
What's it gonna be for you, Debbie, the usual? I would, but, um the little red-skinned girl with the cookies told me that if I buy from you, she's gonna scalp my cookie supply.
Sorry, these cookies are the shit.
I can't believe this is happening.
Man, look at all these fat people.
When did my hood become WalMart? And where the heck is Pete and Rodrigo? Ah, rats, they forgot Boss toy.
This Nappy Meal suppose to come with switchblade and a box of bullets.
I be back.
How! What's up, Rodrigo? What do you want and stuff, Pechanga? Look, I know Malik and I got off on the wrong black foot.
Take this peace offering, free of charge.
Orale, I love cookies.
[munching.]
If you want more, you know where to find me.
Hey, guys, we're gonna go get waxed.
You wanna come? - Guys: Yes! - Exsqueeze me? Where the hell do y'all think y'all going? The fringe still needs to be festooned.
Too bad, New Booty.
We only wax once a year.
- Maybe next time.
- What the [bleep.]
, Rainbow Raheem? We could finish this fruity shit tomorrow.
You know, I'm starting to think that you guys don't really care about gay people.
That's not true.
We love the gays.
Hell, we even watched half of an episode of "Insecure.
" I might even smash Issa Rae.
- He got some feminine qualities.
- Oh, yeah? What's the name of Beyoncé's third album? - Uh "Lemonade"? - Wrong! Everybody knows it's "Sasha Fierce"! Y'all ain't Queer as Folk.
Y'all are frauds! You guys are using me to get [stammering.]
V-V-Vajayjay! Ugh! You know what? I'm calling Cindy right now.
- Whoa, chill! - No, no, no, no, no.
- We sorry! - Yeah, don't snitch on us, bruh.
Our skeet depend on this.
We'll do anything, man.
Please! Anything? Somebody gonna get [bleep.]
raw.
More pastels, Milk! And, Grover, don't be so damn butch with the glitter! Hurry! I want perfection, boys.
Come on, man.
We been working all day.
You guys want bitches? Well, bitches cost.
And here is where you start paying for it.
In glitter and sweat.
Whoo! Now back to work! I gotta admit, I liked fingering his box more than I thought.
Here goes nothing.
[electricity zaps, dance music plays.]
It's glorious! Man, you giving the fruit game a black eye.
- This shit's embarrassing.
- Embarrassing? This is an assterpiece, honey.
And it's going to get me more likes on Instaham than that basic bitch Cindy.
Man, we did what you wanted.
Now do you promise not to cock block us? Okay, let's get one thing straight, boo boo.
Andre don't block cocks.
Man, enough of this dick chat.
You gon' keep your word or what? Oh, no, no, no, no, darlings.
We've only just begun.
From now on, you three are my slaves.
Y'all gonna help me get something I have always wanted.
You're gonna help me become homecoming queen.
- Man, we ain't doing that shit.
- Oh, really? Then how about I go up to Cindy and tell her that y'all ain't nothing but a bunch of homophobes.
Then you will never get up inside of her between-me-down-there.
- So what's it gonna be, gentlemens? - Dis nigga.
I can't wait until Andre leave us alone.
He made me stay up all night bedazzling his posters.
At least he didn't make you proofread his Grindr page.
This [bleep.]
Pop-Tart can't spell cream pie.
Where the [bleep.]
is Jamal? Ladies and gentlemen, the next homecoming queen.
She's your homecoming queen to be To fulfill your school desires - # And help with substitute hires # - Mwah.
She's your queen - [talking.]
Can I go now? - No.
You better hand out these flyers.
Vote for me for homecoming queen because that's what I identify as.
If you don't, you're a shitty person! [yelps.]
Vote for Cindy! Preacher's daughter! Always sweet! You know what's not sweet? Her ass.
Child, her colon blows up more shit than Boko Haram.
[laughs.]
I hate your guts right now, but that was pretty funny.
[laughs.]
You look totes fab, you smoking hot bitch! Thanks.
You too.
Look, Dre, I just want to say that I'm very proud of you for jumping in the race at the last minute.
And no matter what happens, this won't come between us.
I promise.
- Cross my heart.
- Of course, girl.
Good luck! You know what she should cross is her legs.
All that hair? It's like Colin Kaepernick passed out in her damn lap.
That jacket is fab, my nigga.
Is it for bottoms only or can tops get it, too? You wish.
With those hideous shoulders? Hells no.
[laughs.]
Now be gone.
Bitch.
Real talk, Andre getting on my last nerve.
He lucky he's got them beezys.
I'm this close to getting a progressive hand job, my nig.
[slaps.]
Are we homophobic if we call him an asshole? - What about a dick? - I don't know.
I think anything with a dick or an ass is off-limits, though.
Ahh, shit.
Here he come.
Jesus, this place is disgusting.
Now, listen, bitches.
I have one more job for you to do.
I need you to break in to the principal's office and stuff my ballot box.
[moans.]
- Here's the key.
- What? I thought you said this was a small job.
Look, y'all do this for me, and I'll leave you alone forever.
No more blackmail.
I'll even put in a good word with Cindy and the rest of them hags.
One good word from a gay BFF, child, and those panties drop.
That's not cool, Transparent.
My boo Cindy has dreamed of being homecoming queen since she got to high school.
It's a win for you, Grover.
When she loses, she'll be crying and snoti'' like Viola Davis during allergy season.
She's going to need someone to make her feel better.
Cue Grover.
Do we have a deal, gentlemen? What happened to Rodrigo? They got him hooked on the white stuff, boss.
[coughs.]
[licks.]
Damn.
It's worse than I thought.
They're using 100% uncut Louisiana sugar, the melanated man's Kryptonite.
Whoo, that's a powerful black cookie, my man.
Come on, Rodrigo, we're gonna get you cleaned up.
[music.]
I can't believe I'm selling out my future boo like this.
All she ever wanted was to be homecoming queen.
Look, we all gotta get our nuts any way we can.
Remember, when she loses, you can give her a dick to cry on.
Shit, I can't wait to smash Hillary.
Her coochie may be woke, but when I'm done with it, it gon' be sleep.
All right students, it's time to announce this year's homecoming queen.
With 114% of the vote, your new homecoming queen is, drumroll, please [drumroll.]
Andre! [crowd gasps.]
[energetic dance music.]
Congratulations.
Please come up and say something briefly.
Also, as per tradition, please announce who you've selected for homecoming king.
This should be interesting.
First and foremost, I'd like to thank me for having the courage to stand up here.
[breaking voice.]
How the [bleep.]
did this happen? It happened 'cause I'm the shit, bitch.
I can shoot a bitch in the middle of the hallway, and they will still vote for me.
[crowd gasps.]
Your reign is over.
[laughs.]
I run this school now! [Cindy starts to cry.]
I thought we were BFFs.
Well, you thought wrong.
I did what I had to do to win.
Hashtag Make Duncan fierce again.
Kill yourself, bitch.
[Cindy gasps.]
And now I'd like to announce my king.
Can't talk, too gay for me, heard he doesn't wipe.
I choose Jamal! [crowd gasps.]
I'm not gonna be his king! He's gay and crazy.
This mother[bleep.]
gazy.
I'm sorry, Jamal, but you have no choice.
If you don't, it's discrimination.
We don't want a lawsuit on our hands, or worse, a concert by Lady Gaga.
Ugh.
I guess you gettin' sued.
Better lawyer up.
Tough titties, Jamal.
You've been chosen.
Andre, he's all yours.
No, no, no! I did not ask for this! [wailing.]
This ain't the kinda nut Jamal wanted.
Well, on the bright side, we ain't never gonna hear his fart again.
I can't let him do my boo Cindy like this.
First, Cindy gets played, now he's holding Jamal's asshole hostage? We gotta straighten this gay guy out.
I'm glad y'all came to me.
Look, there's a difference between being a proud gay like me and a sass like he is.
He ain't nothing but a bully.
Shit, more like a dick-tator.
We gotta take that mother[bleep.]
down -and get our boy back.
- Okay, the first thing we need to do is restore the order of the school.
Meet me at the gym before the parade starts.
This time, we finish it.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
Rah! I want cookie! I don't want to go and stuff.
What are you doing, man? Get off me, man.
Get off me.
What are you doing, ese? - They're gonna help you, Rodrigo! - Pinche cabron! [bleep.]
tu madre, guey! [band music plays loudly.]
- Ah! - Stick this in yo ear.
No way; I fell for that last time with Andre.
It's an earpiece.
Now remember: just do what we say, and we'll set you free.
Jamal, it's almost show time! Okay, my nigs.
But hurry! He already made me watch "Moonlight" twice! I mean, it was shot well and the characters were very complex.
Anyway, just hurry! Tootles.
- Did this nig just say "tootles"? - [bleep.]
, we better hurry before Count Cockula turn him into a fruit bat.
Uh-oh.
We got trouble, Chief.
Ah.
Look who decided to crawl back.
I'm not crawling.
I'm on two feet.
And I told you.
This hood belongs to me.
Aww, what are you gonna do, hit a bunch of girls? No, I raised myself not to hit women.
So the block is ours then.
I said I can't hit a woman.
But I know someone who can.
[heavy tapping.]
- What's that? - One thing I learned in these streets: middle-aged white women they don't like to get fat.
[dramatic music.]
My fat ass had to buy jeggings this week.
- I broke my spanks.
- I can't keep black guys off me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex is good, but I can't co-sign for another cell phone or studio time.
I mean, you're 30.
Get a job.
No one wants your mixtape.
Those cookies are evil! [box smashes.]
Yeah, you like that? Oh, oh, how many of these products you gonna sell today? How about none? How about none? [screams.]
- Stop! Don't do it! - Save your tears for the trail, bitch.
[smacking.]
[music continues.]
Thank you! Thank you! [energetic dance music.]
Oh, you're too kind.
- [all pretending.]
Yay.
- Yay.
We're progressive.
- Go, Andre and Jamal.
- We love you.
Grover: Jamal, what is you doing? Oh, my god! The music, it's infectious.
And it's penetrating me.
Hurry up, guys! We better hurry.
Jamal's tying his tuxedo shirt into a knot.
[energetic dance music continues.]
All right, all right.
Keep it steady.
- Aim for the dress.
- Hold up.
Why are we shooting her dress again? Because a queen is only as good as her gown.
Telling me my shoulders are too wide for that jacket.
Shit, I'll wear that nigga as a jacket.
On my count.
Three, two - Aw, shit.
- Damn it! Move, Jamal.
We're gonna lose our chance.
I can't, it's too late.
My hips don't lie.
- I'm a goner, my nigs.
- We can't lose momentum, Grover.
I'ma have to take your boy out.
No, if anyone's gonna do it, it's gonna be me.
[dramatic music.]
[paint balls splatting, Jamal yelping.]
Thank you.
Oh, so that's what we gonna do now? Well, when you come for the queen, you bess not miss.
[paint balls splatting.]
- Damn, Dre keeps a strap on.
- Get that mother[bleep.]
.
[paint balls splatting.]
[paint balls splatting.]
- Shit! We out of bullets.
- Time for my contingency plan.
Blackfish, are you in position? First off, [bleep.]
you, nigga.
Second of all, I'm ready to go.
Take Jamal from me, shit? I'm the only man he'll ever need.
[paint balls splatting.]
[moaning in slo-mo.]
[paint balls splatting.]
[blows.]
No, no, no, no! Not the Vera Wang! I can't afford this! I was gonna return it tomorrow.
[students laugh.]
[camera shutters clicking.]
What have you done? I'll be the laughingstock of all of Instaham! [students laughing.]
No! [wails.]
No! No! [gas squirts.]
[explosions.]
[action music.]
Hell yeah, homey! It ain't a Midsummer's night on Crenshaw without a shoot-out.
That went absolutely perfect.
Look at my outfit.
My shoes are ruined.
These colors don't match.
I'm a hot mess.
[screams.]
Snap out of it, my nig.
You don't have to be gay anymore.
[sighs.]
Thank you.
Being gay is more complicated than you think.
Thank you! Hey, it's good to have you back, Rodrigo.
That sugar is the worst drug ever, my man.
Thanks for looking out for me and stuff.
- I feel like a billion pesos.
- I'm glad you're feeling better.
Now the new word of the day is recoup.
- What's that mean, boss? - It means rehab ain't cheap.
Now, go get my money.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
I want cookie.
[screams.]
I'm glad they suspended Andre for rigging the election.
We saved Jamal.
We some gangster-ass mugs, my nig.
[slaps.]
Man, you ain't save shit.
I'm still getting glitter out of my ass.
[farts.]
My toilet looks like Mardi Gras.
Beads and all that.
Leave me alone! [smacking.]
- Should we do something? - Shit, keep walking.
[smacking.]
He may look weak, but he also may be an asshole.
Oh, hi there.
I'm Phil.
[music.]
I work here on "Legends of Chamberlain Heights.
" I'm also gay, or if you prefer "homo.
" Anyway, wasn't that a fun episode? We sure did laugh a lot today, but you know what isn't funny? Violence against people who dare to be different.
You know, unless they're assholes and they deserve it.
And that's the moral of today's story.
Well, I'm gonna go suck [bleep.]
, 'cause apparently that's all the writers think I do all day.
Hope you learned something.
And remember, gay people are Legends [disco music.]
Bitch.
[farts.]
Great.
Toodles!