Life in Pieces (2015) s02e09 Episode Script

1 I know you all have busy lives, what with college, and having a family, and your "art" But I'm glad you're all here for your last New Year's Eve.
"Last"? What, are you going to murder us all? - (laughter) - JOAN: No.
He thinks the world is going to end.
It is! In three hours, the Y2K bug is going to bite, and it's going to hurt like when a wasp gets you in the penis.
Okay, Daddy, well we'll hang around for a little while, but then we got to get our dates to our party.
They were extras in that 90210 episode where Brenda and Kelly wore the same dress to prom.
Oh, that's the episode where Brenda loses her virginity to Dylan! She never should have done that.
- That was a big mistake.
- I know.
Hey, speaking of mistakes, we should really be getting Tyler home.
Are you not listening to me? It's Y2K.
It's not safe for you to go outside.
Yeah, at the hospital they told us that if computers crash, then the stoplights could go down, - and it'd be mass chaos.
- Well, at least we have a real doctor here in the house with us tonight.
He's a medical student.
But don't worry, as patronizer of this family, it's my role to protect you all, and I'm ready for the worst.
I think you mean patriarch.
See, Dad? I told you, he is really, really smart.
Not smart enough to use a condom.
Good thing I had 50.
GREG: A generator? Don't you think that's a little paranoid? I am not paranoid.
Here, take this marker and write your blood type on your arm.
By the way, I saw Dad siphoning that gas - out of your car earlier.
- What? Dad, where'd you get that gas? Hmm? I found it.
You took out $17,000? JOHN: Better to have it in our wall than in an ATM machine when the banks go offline.
You know, you don't have to say "ATM machine" because the M in ATM stands for "machine," so when you say ATM machine you're really just saying machine twice.
- Mhm.
- See, Dad? Isn't Tim clever? Not clever enough to wear a condom.
All right, the left jug is for drinking, and the right jug is for peeing.
Our left or your left? Oh - Mom? - Yeah? Where did those girls go? Oh, they said the party wasn't very jiggy and they left.
What! No! I've got Cindy's ChapStick, that was gonna be my in.
Oh Is Greg in a mood? Stop it, Heather.
Yes, Greg's in a mood.
I am not in a mood, Mom! Gosh! Oh, it's almost midnight.
Hey Greg, why don't you join us over here? I don't know, why don't you take a guess? Maybe it's because I don't wanna.
He didn't give me time to guess.
Yeah, no, just ignore him.
All right, you guys, come on, ball's gonna drop! MAN (on TV): All right, America.
Get ready to say good-bye - to 1999! - Ten! Nine! - Eight! Seven! Six! - (gun cocking) Do you think anything bad's going to happen? If it does, the scariest thing is that we're living in a world where my dad is right and we were wrong.
ALL: Two! One.
One.
- Happy new year! - Happy new year! (cheering, exclaiming) Oh (whispering): It's Y2K.
Dad was right.
Call me John! (gun cocks) Oh! Let's go.
TIM: I got your six, John! Everyone start boarding up the windows before the looters get here.
- Um, honey? - Hmm? If there's a worldwide power outage, why are we the only ones without power? Hmm, there's a lot less chaos than I expected.
But I'm still going to shoot my shotgun.
(sniffing) Do you guys smell something burning? (all sniffing) TIM: Oh! Fire! (coughing): My generator knocked out the power.
HEATHER: Oh, wait, Dad! Isn't that where we hid the money? JOHN: My $17,000! $17,000?! Good job, Timmy.
Babe, you were pretty hot putting out that fire.
Yeah, that's You're a real hero.
- Dr.
Tim Hughes.
- That's right.
- Oh God, that scared me.
- Okay! Don't it's okay.
I guess I was hoping that Y2K happened so that everybody would have to move back home and we could be like we were before they left us.
How about we have a weekly brunch and we lure everyone here with plates of free food.
How about that? Okay, well, but if that doesn't work, there's always the Mayan apocalypse of 2012, huh? Yes, there's that to look forward to.
Yeah.
And our grandchild.
Sweet Tyler, he's going to be a millennial.
The best generation yet.
Okay, so it's a C-section, I'll be in the hospital three days.
5:00 to 5:30, organic meal time, 5:30 to 6:00, classical music.
And then I like to end the day with a little bit of fun.
Oh, well, at least the evening ends with some fun.
Yeah, and obviously FUN is Fundamentals and Understanding Numbers.
I should have been around more when you were a kid.
There's my little angels! Bonjour, Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop.
Look! I built a feeling! Oh, isn't that pretty! Yeah, and ugly.
We apply a negative word to counterbalance every positive one, so the kids see that there's beauty in failure.
Oh.
That's so wonderful and stupid.
Did I do it right? - (door opens, closes) - (chuckles) Five miles! Or roughly the length of the new Coldplay album.
Ah, that sea breeze running through the old pony sure feels good.
So you took a run right before your wife's having your third baby? Yeah, if I don't exercise, I start thinking.
If I start thinking, I start feeling.
If I start feeling, I start eating.
Nobody wants that.
Well, the fastest my heart's gonna beat today is when I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, eh? Oh that's right, you public radio types don't have TV.
Ugh, no Dad, TV is the lazy parents' crutch.
We like our imaginations to be the screen.
All right, kiddos, time to go brush those teeth! Yay! Longest brush wins! Oh, you're going down! - But our teeth are the real winners.
- Yeah.
Ah, can't wait to add another.
Oh, I know, babe, they really are such blessings (baby crying) (kids arguing) Tim, the other two did not cry like this! Sophia is broken! She is a broken baby! No, no, the doctor said it's colic.
It'll stop in like four months.
We cannot endure four months of this crap! - Help! - (crying continues) Eat blocks, nerd! - Knock it off, nerd! - Tim! - Mom! - Samantha! You know that is not how we resolve conflict, we raise our hearts, we lower our voices.
You don't care about me anymore! You just care about your new baby! - You got that right! - (Sophia crying) - Oh, no you didn't! - Oh my God, Tim, we are losing it! They are expressing anger and aggression verbally for the first time.
Well, it's probably because they haven't exercised! I know that's my problem.
- Oh, my God.
- I mean if only there was something that could entertain them, you know, while I go for a run Oh dude, we are so not caving! No TV! We're not going to have wide-eyed zombie kids.
What, what's gonna happen next? They're going to stop making their own almond milk? Oh please, if they're growing the almonds they're going to make the milk.
Oh, I have an idea.
We get Matt to entertain those two so we can have a break.
We can't do that! Matt's not gonna babysit our kids! He's a cool artist! He lives in a loft, his bed is a loft it's all lofts over there! (steadily building rock music) This song is blowing my mind! I can't believe we've been listening to Wagner for five years.
Why do you get the kids' cups and we get the grown-up cups? Because good things come in small packages, like you.
Here you go, sweetie.
What kind of fruit is this? You've never had French fries before? - No, Tim, no! - Don't you do it! Oh no, you can't go down that road, once you start you won't be able to get back.
You have an obsessive personality, babe.
I'm just so stressed out.
I haven't been tempted since my bachelor party.
I still dream about that buffet.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
She stopped crying, we did it.
No, I just turned down the monitor.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
Hey, we're home! Mom, guess what! Turns out we're not allergic to soda! Okay, that's good.
MATT: You all right, Timmy? No, Matt.
(Heather groaning) Our lives are spinning out of control, Mom.
Tim has lost so much hair there's hardly any ponytail there to grab onto when we're making love.
Well, honey, you have a difficult baby, and that changes the family dynamic.
I should know.
I had a difficult one too.
- Greg? - No.
- Matt? - No.
Yes.
You were a little monster.
But as my wise mother once said to me, "I've already done this crap, you figure it out" (sound effects on TV) Giving up is so good.
Yeah, we should have done this years go.
Principles are for losers.
(loud explosion) I've never seen a head explode like that before, - and I'm a doctor.
- (Heather laughing) (laughing) I only saw Marty throw up, I didn't realize they both did.
- Hey, Greg.
- What what else did Meemaw say? Ta-da! Honey, you didn't have to do this all the way from the elevator.
Of course I did.
We're married now, this is how you're gonna get from place to place.
Well, I guess it does kind of make up for the fact that you look like a jack-o'-lantern during our wedding.
Well, I told you, being married to a ping-pong champion is not easy.
(giggling) Aw, honey.
That is so sweet.
Thank you.
Oh, I didn't do it.
What? "May all of your nights together be as romantic as this one.
Enjoy each other in every way.
" From the hotel? That's kind of creepy.
"Love, Mom.
" Oh, wow, okay, that's even creepier.
I wonder which mom it was.
I'm going to guess the one who cut in on our first dance.
But it's just, like, a random guess.
Mom, you and Dad have always been proof of what a great marriage can be.
Yeah, I know, she did look beautiful, and she just nailed that "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" didn't she? (laughs) Yeah, no, I'm lucky to be her husband.
(softly): Greg.
Well, I think it's very nice that they paid for the rehearsal dinner.
Well, look, Mom, they're trying.
(whispering): Greg.
(booming laugh) I only saw Marty throw up.
I didn't realize they both did.
Hey, Greg.
What-what else did Meemaw say? Greg, aren't you forgetting about someone else here? Oh, yeah, hey Mom, Jen says hi.
All right, well, I love you too.
No, I love you.
No, you ow! What? (sighs) Mom, I'm going to have to call you back in two minutes.
It has been great seeing all of our friends and family, but I am so tired of hearing everyone's marriage advice.
I know, I'm like starting to get angry that I'm not allowed to go to bed angry, you know.
Well, all we got to do is go to one more brunch, and then Mr.
and Mrs.
Short are on a flight to Bora Bora.
Mm Mrs.
Short.
I like the sound of that.
Speaking of which, the other Mrs.
Short wants to stop by our house real quick just to say good-bye before we leave.
Is that cool? Um, actually, honey, you know I love your mom.
And I mean really love her.
It just, it feels a little bit like she's kind of up in our business a lot, especially lately.
Does it feel that way to you? I don't know.
I mean, I can ask her.
You want me to ask her? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Definitely don't do that.
What I think it is, is I think that now that you're mine, she's just having a hard time passing that Greg torch.
Honey, come here.
I'm yours, all right? Yours, only, forever and ever.
I promise, okay? Okay.
This is all really flattering.
I've never had two women fight over me before.
Ah, honey, that's not what this is.
Mmm.
All right, honey, you take care of the contraceptives, I'll take care of the antacids.
Greg? Honey? Greg? Jen! - Oh - I am just finishing up.
Would you tell Greg I packed him three pairs of underwear a day.
An everyday pair, a romantic pair, and a whoopsie.
(quietly): "A whoopsie.
" JEN: Hey, Greg, your mom is packing your suitcase.
Yeah? For our honeymoon.
Yeah, she's really good at it.
She's got amazing spatial relations.
She once put a whole Thanksgiving dinner into my lunch bag.
Cool, cool.
Hey, honey, can I talk to you in the other room for a minute? Just very quickly, very, very almost urgently? Wife's already got the nagging thing down I see.
Dad, not cool.
(quietly): God, this is 2011.
What's up? Um, okay, look, this has gone too far, all right? I'm sorry, but your mom, she needs to stop.
You need to pack your own suitcase for your honeymoon.
Honey, what is the big deal, all right? It makes her happy.
Yes, but, you're my man now, and as my man, I just, I need you to be your own man.
Hey look, I get it.
Married men pack their own suitcases.
All men do.
Hi, Short, we reserved a table by the water.
I'm so sorry, we're not going to be able to seat you.
Why? We require all men to wear a collared shirt.
And pants.
And shoes.
But I'm wearing shoes.
Sea shoes.
Do you think you could just make an exception this one time? You see, he packed his own suitcase for the first time.
And while he may have forgotten, you know, a few things, I really am very proud of him.
My mom used to pack for me.
- (laughing) - Oh, I see.
Well good job, buddy! Here, let me get you a place mat and some crayons.
We have a fish tank you're gonna love.
Does she think I'm Just go with it, I need a drink.
I'm sorry, are you Will? Yeah, man, yeah.
Hey, if there's a Will, there's a way, okay? Out of her apartment before she wakes up.
JOAN: Knock-knock! Chicken soup for the emotionally wrecked soul.
Thanks, Mom.
Honey, why don't we ask your dad for a pair of his pajamas and that way you can keep this outfit fresh for any job interviews you might want to go on? Oh, no, Mom, I'm an artist.
I'm not going on any job interviews for the man.
Honey, I think you're too white to say that.
Don't tell Dad that I'm in here.
Or anybody else.
That I'm sleeping in the garage, and I've lost everything.
They all predicted that I was going to be a failure, and I just I'm going to wait as long as possible before telling them, or at least until Greg flips another golf cart.
Great brunch, Joanie.
And save some of that meat.
I'm going to put it in my traps.
You're setting traps? What for? Well, there's some kind of critter rummaging around in my garage.
If the traps don't work, I'm going to get myself a pet owl.
Although I might do that anyway.
Hey, where are Matt and Bonnie? Are we allowed to skip this? Knowing her, she probably took all his money and ran off.
Oh, I wish I could just call them and say, "Wake up! Wake up!" Mom, why are you yelling? Am I? - (metallic snapping) - MATT: Ow! My trap! Oh, don't worry, I got the humane kind.
Although now that I think about it, I may not have.
(Matt muttering) Oh, good, everyone's here to see this.
JOHN: Matt, take that off.
That was supposed to catch the critter living in my garage.
It did.
Yeah, you know, Mom, I-I-I can't tell them.
Could you, please? Yeah.
Um, Bonnie left him, but.
.
She took all his money.
But his art is a bust.
But! He's homeless.
Wow, thank you, Mom.
I don't think this could get any more humiliating.
Matt, honey, I am so sorry.
And your fly is down.
What's all this? Oh! Well, I figured if you didn't want to move up to your bedroom, I'd move the bedroom down to you.
Dad, this is all Greg's stuff.
Well, his life is going good, so he's not going to need it.
Sit down.
You know, I know I haven't been really agreeable about your bohemian lifestyle, but losing everything just means you have more to gain.
Without all those distractions, who knows what you're capable of? That's a good point.
My life can really be all about focusing on my art.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You got to stop with that nonsense.
I called a buddy and I got you a job with his company that makes airline snacks.
The pay is peanuts.
Unless you choose pretzels.
WILL: Okay, new guy, here are the rules.
This is my mug.
What's the rule? (chuckling): That's right, you get it.
And this right here is my "pube-icle.
" "Pube-icle," I copyrighted that, so same rules as the mug.
I'm sorry, I still don't get the rules.
Ah, you're going to fit in just fine.
Oh, Saturday night at Boomers goes off! Much like the panties of the ladies who work at this establishment.
Oh, wow, huh.
Sounds like you've slept with a lot of coworkers.
Not that many or any, but I have been laying a lot of groundwork over the last 12 years.
It's like waiting for a slot machine to pay off, or in this case, a slut machine.
(laughs) Instead of pulling a lever, you're pulling on my dong.
Ding-dong.
Who's there? Will's there.
I'm sorry, are you Will? Yeah, man, yeah.
Hey, if there's a Will, there's a way, okay.
Out of her apartment before she wakes up.
- (laughing) - (meek chuckle) I'm sorry, that's just locker room talk.
Yeah, I'm going to remember you.
Oh.
I'm gonna remember you as that gross guy that I met the day I almost took a job in the wrong place.
COLLEEN: Hey! What? - I didn't mean! - Oh, I'm sorry! W-Why are you apologizing? I'm the one who hit you.
You're right, I'm sorry.
- (laughs) - I'm Colleen Ortega.
I run HR here.
Matt Short.
The new the new guy, right, of course, um It's really nice to meet you, Colleen Ortega.
I'm glad to have you aboard.
Thanks, I'm I'm happy to be here.
My house in Budapest, my hidden treasure chest Golden grand piano, my beautiful Castillo You, oh! You, oh! I'd leave it all My acres of a land I have achieved It may be hard for you to stop and believe But for you, oh You, oh, I'd leave it all Oh, for you, oh You, oh, I'd leave it all.
Give me one good reason Hey! Look who's back! Hey, Matt, this isn't the only hole I'm going to be in tonight.