Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s02e09 Episode Script

Hey Dad.
Look what you got in the mail.
You buy one compact disc, they never leave you alone.
No.
It's about your conference.
- Dad's keynote speaker.
- Hmm.
- You know I'm not.
- But it has your name on it.
- Baber M.
Siddiqui.
- It is not me.
Huh.
Must be another Baber M.
Siddiqui.
What's it for? An "Intolerant Old Men" conference? I'm not "Old".
It's an economics conference.
In Chicago.
- And I'm not going.
- Why not? I'm not going to Chicago.
That place is full of gangsters and rum runners.
Wow, you really need to get new travel books.
- What's the problem? Stage fright? - Don't have matching luggage? - Afraid you'll miss "Coronation Street"? - I can't go.
The Americans think I'm a terrorist.
I'm on the no-fly list.
If it were me, I'd have whispered both those things.
Yeah.
Season 2 Episode 9 No Fly List Amaar, did you hear about Baber? - He's on the - No-fly list.
I heard.
Shhh.
You tell us not to engage in back-biting gossip, and then you become the worst offender.
It's not back-biting.
We're trying to help you.
Yeah.
If anything, it's front-biting.
Baber, you have to fight this.
No.
Stop dredging up ancient history.
Ancient history? You just told us this morning.
More gossip! How is it gossip if you are the one who told us? Stop! Well, now I'm gossipping.
What? He doesn't make it easy to help him, does he? Oh, so we're going to help him? If one Muslim is accused, it hurts us all.
Don't you mean falsely accused? Who keeps removing my shoes? I suppose.
I am not going to do this anymore.
Okay.
But eventually your bladder's going to give out.
The mayor should not have to use the public bathroom.
It diminishes her "Mayorish-ness".
Are you talking about you in the third person from now on? I should not have to use the same bathroom - as the voting public.
- Well yeah, but, it's only half of the voting public.
When I was in the private sector, I had my own bathroom.
- You sold vitamins at your home.
- Which had a bathroom! Gasp.
Why don't you build a bathroom in your office? You, you could have heated floors, a bidet a steam shower with those gorgeous Italian tiles.
Ooh, and one of those little dollies with the knitted dress that fits over the extra toilet paper roll.
Yeah.
Okay.
We could think about that.
Oh gees, I don't know, spending that kind of money.
Maybe we should wait until after the election.
You've got toilet paper on your shoe.
Let's fast-track this! Okay, so, here's the plan.
We go to Baber's house.
We talk reason for 10 minutes.
- And then what? - Then we leave.
I can't spend my whole evening on this.
We can't give up that easily.
When was the last time Baber had the chance to make the whole mosque look good? Yeah, it does have novelty going for it.
Besides, it's the right thing to do.
People shouldn't hate Baber because he's Muslim.
They should get to know him first.
I don't even want to go to that decadent country.
Baber, how many times have you been asked to speak at an international conference? Many.
A few.
It's not important.
We should go down to the American consulate.
Demand our rights.
I know how to finesse these things.
I used to practise law.
Yes, yes.
And I used to have a 32-inch waist.
Let it go! Baber, it is your responsibility as a Muslim to stand up for your charter rights.
Is the right to fly in the charter? You can make that argument.
I think.
In a way.
Wow, you must have dazzled them in court.
You know, this is more than just a bathroom.
It's like my own personal spa at work.
Spas are my speciality.
- Italian tiles.
- Ooh, tiles are expensive, yes.
- A beautiful steam shower.
- With lots of pipe.
Yasir, wait.
You can't do this job.
It's a conflict of interest.
What do you mean conflict of interest? I'm your husband.
We're practically strangers.
Well, you have to get it done on schedule.
I'll do better than get it done on schedule.
I'll get it done early.
Yasir, this is me.
Two weeks total.
- One week.
- 10 days.
One week.
You've got the job.
As long as you underbid everyone else.
Bid? I'm your husband.
- I can't believe we talked him into it.
- Well, I talked him into it.
You just sat there and drank his ginger ale.
As I was speaking, I sipped for dramatic effect.
I've never seen ginger ale disappear so quickly.
As a lawyer, I used it for rhetorical effect.
And as a doctor, I am amazed that the human body can absorb so much ginger ale.
You know, it's great working together like this.
That car ride to the consulate is just gonna fly by.
- Oh, maybe I should pack some more cans of ginger - You milked it.
Shower stalls, faucets, steam unit all top of the line.
I'll give you the whole shebang.
- Sold.
- 3 I'm sorry, I thought you were going to go on a little on longer.
I'm in a generous mood.
You seem awfully eager to sell.
What's wrong with this stuff? Nothing! It's top quality.
- Top? - Mm hmm.
Alright.
Look, I'll pick it up later.
But just so that we're clear The whole shebang? I wouldn't sell you half a shebang.
Hi Fatima.
- Hi, hello there - Jamal, last time I saw you, you were just this high.
- You saw me last week.
- You must have been slouching.
Go.
Go play.
Shoo.
So, you are really going all the way to the consulate? A four and one half hour drive is much better than having them in my house.
- Amaar drank all our ginger ale.
- Oh.
You take good care of Layla when I'm gone? Dad, I'm not a child.
- Don't let her run wild.
- I'm also not a German Shepherd.
And if any boys come near, you use a fire extinguisher.
Don't worry.
Layla, you promise to be good? Huh? - No shenanigans? - I don't know what that is, - but I won't do it.
- Okay.
- Salam aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
So! What shall we do? We could rent a movie.
I have some games.
From the old country.
We could rent a movie.
Now, Ayo was always my favourite.
But, there's also Ludo and Adi.
We could compromise, and rent Jumanji! Ayo it is! You'll enjoy it.
There are 48 seeds.
Wow! I can imagine it.
The door, right here.
Wow.
This is a pretty competitive bid, Yasir.
Are you sure you can do it for so cheap? The trick, is to work with the right supplier.
And you can get it done in a couple of weeks? A couple of weeks? Absolutely! A couple of weeks.
Yes.
Sounds good! Sounds good.
You keep your staff in line, don't you, mayor? You keep your staff in line.
Alright.
You're cheapest.
You're hired.
- You won't regret it.
- Well, the tax payers are my bosses, and every penny counts.
Though if anyone asks - we're building a homeless shelter.
- With tiles.
We are over there.
Shotgun.
Shh.
A lot of people around here don't like Muslims.
- What is shotgun? - Riding up in the front.
You cannot sit next to her.
It's too familiar.
I'll wear my seat-belt.
People will think you're Christians having a decadent western date.
They'll think I'm having a lousy western date.
I'll ride shotgun.
She cannot sit with a single man.
- You're a single man.
- Exactly.
None of us should go.
Oh well.
Maybe we should all sit in the back seat.
No, I'm acceptable.
I ride up front.
I look like her father.
I'm glad my father's not around to hear that.
But I said shotgun! - Hello? - Yes, Sarah, remember when I said the trick is to use the right supplier? - Uh huh.
- I used the wrong supplier.
Do you have to confiscate it all? I'm sorry, sir.
This is stolen property.
The whole shebang? I'm not going to take half a shebang.
Uh oh.
A metal detector.
What if one of us has a pacemaker? It is not worth the risk.
- Quit stalling.
- Oh It's not proper for a good Muslim woman to go through one of those things How do you figure? She makes one beep, and suddenly, a strange man is touching her bottom.
Look.
I didn't stare at the back of you head for four hours to turn around and go home.
Actually, you didn't stare at the back of anything.
You were asleep before we got on the highway.
- Was I snoring? - No.
You drooled on the seat a little though.
Eww.
- This is gonna be fun.
- It's fun hanging with me and my mom? - Have you met my dad? - Good point.
You get a day away from your dad, and I get a day away from that seed game.
- You mean Ayo? - Where did you hear that word? Your mom said something? - You didn't agree to play, did you? - I might have.
What's that? Children! I gotta do homework! Welcome to the U.
S.
consulate.
Can I help you? Yes, hello, we would like to see the uh The thing you're shrieking into - that's a microphone.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- It's alright.
It's alright.
- Hi! - Hello.
We would like to see the consul, the consulate the head consul.
Smooth.
And do you have an appointment? Yes! - Do we have an appointment? - No.
Well, we can't tell him that.
Should we lie? Sigh.
I can hear you.
That, you know Okay.
Ha Ha.
Sorry.
Uh We don't have a formal appointment.
That's no problem.
No problem at all.
- Oh great.
- Yeah, just tell you what you do You go home, you make an appointment, and we'll see you in a couple of months.
Can I speak to your supervisor, please? Oh, I am my supervisor.
How is that possible? Well, that's an interesting story.
But I can't tell you without an appointment.
- Wow.
Ayo, huh? - Quiet, child.
I'm counting the seeds.
You can't play Ayo without all 48 seeds.
You had me at "can't play Ayo".
- What do you mean? - Oh! I was just kidding.
Can't wait.
Yeah.
We're lucky.
We get to play Ayo all the time.
I asked for an Xbox for my birthday.
But I'm lucky because I got Ayo.
Lots of strategy.
Good for the mind.
Strategy plus seeds, equal fun.
Plus afterwards, you get to eat the seeds.
No! You cannot.
Oh.
My muffins.
- How do live like this? - I retreat inside myself.
I distinctly remembered you saying you'll take care of it.
We're not getting anywhere remembering what I said.
What can you do? They're zealous, zealous behind glass.
Should have let me talk to him.
Oh you think: "We don't have an appointment" coming out of your mouth would have gotten us in? Well, that is not my fault.
- I thought you called them.
- I'm not a secretary.
And you won't be with that attitude.
Okay.
We're going back.
My slushie pop! It's worse than I thought.
Load-bearing wall.
I can't build anything here.
I thought you said you can already imagine it.
Well, now I imagine it, the building collapses.
I contracted you to build a spa.
Instead of that, imagine, a toilet right here.
Right here in the office? Yes, open concept.
No walls, no tiles, no pipes.
I get it.
Now imagine me, going downstairs and yanking your contractor's license.
- Spa it is.
- Uh huh.
Oh, welcome to the US uh uh Oh, I'm having a flashback.
- Yup, it's us again.
- No really, no I think it's the sinus medication I'm on.
Uh So You guys got an appointment? - No.
However - Next, next! - Next.
- Uh, I'm Rayyan Hamoudi.
Well, I'm Doctor Rayyan Hamoudi.
Oh, you're a doctor! - So, you run a walk-in clinic? - No.
No? So you require an appointment? Look, our friend here, Baber Siddiqui, he is on your no-fly list.
However, he's an economics professor I see.
I can just show up at his class any time I want.
I can show up there, and he'll be teaching, and I just drop in, learn stuff? - Right? - He really needs to go to this conference.
- He's the keynote speaker.
- I see.
So he was appointed as it were, to speak at this specific time, and this was all arranged in advance.
This is going much better.
Come here.
I'm not supposed to tell you this.
But here's what you do.
You take your friend to the airport, with his ticket.
And get to check-in.
You tell them he's on the no-fly list.
When they ask why, you explain you couldn't do anything about it because you didn't have an APPOINTMENT! You're really making some headway there.
- Doc! - Sigh.
- You don't understand, - Shhh.
I underbid.
I under underbid! If I'm going to do this job, we're going to have to give up some luxuries.
Like what? The house! Look.
I promise her mayor-ship a spa.
And I want my spa.
Her spa! Tell her, I'm not the right man for the job.
I'm lazy, I'm incompetent, I'm sleazy.
- Plus you snore.
- What? No, I just thought I throw it in there.
Look, you have to figure a way to get this done.
- Sigh.
I have a back up plan.
- What? We can go in the land.
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
Do you have any idea how that story ended? They got married? Oh no.
Don't send Baber, he's crazy.
Ha! If I've gone alone, I would have failed once.
But thanks to you, I failed twice.
Oh! Huh huh! Oh.
Here's one.
How many doctors and lawyers does it take to get nowhere at the American consulate? Huh? You! Ha ha ha.
Yeah! I'm going to have a T-shirt made up, that says, "Failure is not an option".
But I'm going to cross out the word "not", so it says, "Failure is an option"! Yeah.
And this of course, is in reference to what is happening, right now.
Heh, heh, heh.
- We're going to go back now, aren't we? - Yeah, we're going back.
Okay, okay, okay No T-shirt, no T-shirt.
"Fred Tupper" The "mayo" is putting a spa in her office? Mayo? Ohhh! - You didn't hear it from me.
- Right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh.
Good.
I was so worried you wouldn't come back.
Ha ha, yes, I know.
I'm on a no-fly list, and there's nothing you can do about it, because we don't have an appointment.
Thank you being so patient.
Good bye.
Oh, we tried so hard, huh? Let's go.
Wait! Did you say: Thank you? I mean, people always just say, you know: "do this, do that.
" "Why are you being such a jerk?" No one's ever said: "Thank you"! Of course, I've never given anyone any reason to Why start now, huh? Come No wait! Wait right there.
He's going to get a gun! Let's go! That's right, folks.
A private bathroom right in her office.
I guess somebody is flushed with tax payer money.
That's a sad bidet for all of us.
I guess this will plunger down in the poll somewhat.
Call in with your own toilet puns, huh? Well, there goes my spa.
Your spa.
All my dreams flushed down the toilet.
The same toilet everybody else uses.
See? I told you bringing Baber back was a good idea.
What are you talking about? Bringing Baber back was my idea.
I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is You were never on the no-fly list.
You can fly anywhere you want.
The bad news is it's hug time, and I'm behind glass.
Wait a second.
You're saying he's not even on the list? And it's hug time.
Ha ha ha.
What a merry mix-up! Let's go.
Who told you you were on the list? - Who told you I was on the list? - You did.
Well, the important thing is, now, I get to hop on to one of those giant metal deathtraps with wings and plunge into the sea.
- Huh huh.
- Wait a minute.
- You're afraid to swim.
- Fly.
Fly.
They, they, they, try to make you feel safe with those fluffy seats and free food and pretty ladies walking up and down the aisle handing out cigarettes.
Baber, when was the last time you were on a plane? I can't believe this.
You dragged us all the way out here and knew you weren't on that list.
Once! You dragged me here twice! Wow.
And I thought I was wasting your time.
I'm sorry, darling.
I know you really wanted that spa.
I just can't believe, Fred would find out.
How did Fred find out? He's a journalist.
He probably leaked a scoop or a whistle-blower.
Insider trading? It was you, wasn't it? Look, I told you that it would ruin us.
I've said it once.
I'll say it again.
Bidding has no place in the contracting business.
Well, can you put a spa in our house? Getting the city to pay for a spa in our house may be pushing our luck.
They're not paying.
You're paying.
I like that even less.
Look, I want a spa.
Promises were made.
You promised yourself.
And I want to live up to that promise.
Don't worry, darling.
I've spoken to the mayor.
And I have it, on good authority, there's going to be a spa in city hall.
Really? How? Just a second.
Why is the door locked? What, you're taking over the whole bathroom now? It's cheaper than a spa.
It's really spacious in here.
I've got some scented candles and some potpourri.
- Ohh, well, can I have a key? - Sure.
Just get elected first.
Have fun in Chicago.
I have a sick feeling in my tummy, and I'm overwhelmed with dread.
Layla, time for Ayo! Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.
Look! Somebody put these threatening cartoons in the pocket.
It shows a plane crashing! Everything is fine, sir.
That's for safety.
- And why is there no shoulder belt? - The lap belt's all you need.
No, no.
You need a shoulder belt even in the back seat! Sir, if you don't calm down, we're going to turn the plane around.
Well, I don't care! I want to be wearing a shoulder belt when this plane crashes! My juice! Subtitle by: Kiasu