Loudermilk (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Hi.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking about you a lot.
I-I've been thinking about you a lot, too.
Wow! New Guy has feelings for someone.
NEW GUY: Louise, look.
I really like you, and I don't want to disappoint you.
- You scared? - Always.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get to fucking get off that easy.
You just blow in and out of my life like a tornado.
I didn't want us to end things like that.
[SIGHS.]
We're not we're not ending anything, okay? We're just I think we do better when we're apart.
Give your old man a hug.
Travel safe.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- No.
Hey! Uh, hey, are you with the, uh With the the group over there? Yeah.
You're the boss? I'm the boss.
Those are my top executives.
How can we help you here at Drunk Asshole Industries? - Uh - [CHUCKLES.]
Um, well, uh, my name is Trev, - and this is my wife, Sienna.
- Hi.
And we we just bought the Greene and Greene down the street.
Oh! That's you guys.
Wow.
You must be doing all right for yourselves.
Thanks.
Well, yeah, we do social media for some pretty big companies.
Uh, a-anyway Um, so, we've been noticing you guys having your your gatherings over here, - and, uh - Yep.
And and, you know, we're we're totally supportive - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- of that.
- Aww! - It's just that, you know afterwards, you you you just kind of hang around and and smoke and and talk loud.
Yeah, all that.
We call it fellowship.
It's like the meeting after the meeting.
Right, but do you have to keep it going out front and throw your cigarette butts in the street? I mean, isn't there somewhere else you could go? You mean like a bar? Um No.
We we go here, and then we go home.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you you don't really "go home," you know? You you just kind of hang around.
And technically, that's, you know loitering.
Okay.
Listen, we were drunken scumbags way before the two of you decided to move into your Greene and Greene house.
Okay, okay.
But our Greene and Greene was built way before you guys got here.
It's not my fault you didn't do your homework before descending on the neighborhood like jackals.
What's your deal, man? My deal is that I know your deal.
Okay? You want to pretend like you're these enlightened, progressive, open-minded people, but you're not.
You're just trying to look the part.
Like your dog.
I'm sure you tell people that's a rescue, yeah? Lavendar is a rescue.
[LAUGHS.]
What castle did you rescue that d Listen, I know shelter dogs, okay? $3,000 whippets are not shelter dogs.
You want a purebred, get a purebred.
You can't have it both ways, though.
Oh, and the "Greene and Greene" house that you bought to look like people who preserve historically-significant buildings? That's a sham.
They built a lot of copies of Greene and Greene houses in the Pacific Northwest, but the Greene brothers had nothing to do with them.
No, not true.
Ours came from Pasadena in the '40s.
We have the paperwork.
Okay, well, Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Experience has the paperwork.
Doesn't make them Led Zeppelin.
You got screwed.
But, yeah, I'll I'll tell the drunks to keep it down a little bit.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZON PLAYS.]
Yeah, so, I-I'm almost afraid to jinx it, but things have been going so great with Louise.
The only thing is, her ex-boyfriend has started calling me again.
He's calling you? What does he want? I-I don't know.
I-I hopefully just to talk? Should I Should I meet with him? No, of course not.
Who talks to the old boyfriend? - That's not a thing.
- Okay.
Okay, good.
'Cause I haven't been answering.
Okay, um That's it for sharing.
Do we have any group announcements? Any non-group announcements? I'm pretty sure I saw a bird chewing gum the other day.
Anything at all? Uh, I'm going out of town for a few days.
Uh, anyways, though, um I'm looking for someone to dog-sit for me.
You see, he's got to sleep in his own bed.
So I was wondering if maybe someone here would be willing to stay over at - I'll do it.
- Oh, great.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you know, it would help me out since she stole my room.
Plus, you know, I've always wanted to sleep on a boat.
I don't live on a boat.
Really? I'm sorry.
I just I assumed, you know, since you got the whole "fish stick guy" thing going on.
But you don't sleep on Okay, I'll I'll do it anyway.
Mm, thank you.
Okay, that looks like that's it for tonight.
I guess me and the gum-chewing bird'll just go fuck ourselves, then.
You open to something like that? Uh [ENGINE REVS.]
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
Which one of you cock bites is Hiram? - [LAUGHS.]
- Don't be a pussy.
Fuck.
You gotta be shittin' me.
- You're Hiram? - Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm assuming you must be David, Louise's ex.
It's it's it's nice to meet you.
Don't give me that shit, stretch.
You fucked up when you decided to mow my lawn.
I thought she was your ex-lawn.
A-And, you know, I-I haven't even been near the bushes yet, so What are you a smartass? Come on, motherfucker.
Let's get it on! No, no! Come on.
Fighting never solved anything.
- Eh, just bad things happen.
- I promise you, I am gonna beat your little dick off! Beat your dick off? [LAUGHS.]
You're damn right, hotshot.
You lookin' to get your dick beat off, too? It's funny you should ask.
Why are you gettin' up in my Kool-Aid, Goliath? Kool-Aid? Look, pal, if I was you, I'd get back on my little scooter and go back to my house on the Shire.
Okay, look, I came here to kick his ass.
And since he's too much of a poontang to fight, it looks like it's gonna be you, Manute.
Dude, I'm not fighting you.
I don't need a murder rap.
You think you'd have a murder rap? No, no, I'd have the murder rap! I like what you did there, how you turned it around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Yeah.
[SCREAMING.]
DAVID: You like how I turned that around? What the hell's going on? I told you guys to keep it down.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- Oh, shit.
- Stop this immediately! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Oy! - You can't just punch someone in the balls! - I am not gonna have fistfights in the middle of my church driveway.
If you want to fight, I expect you to behave like civilized men.
You can use our gymnasium.
What? You're a man of God.
You're gonna let these idiots fistfight in the church? Samuel 2:14.
"Then Abner said to Joab, 'Now let the young men arise and hold their bout before us.
'" Oh, well, if it says that in the Bible, then, hey, by all means Let's do this.
- I'm ready, Father.
- Not now.
There's a CYO basketball game going on right now.
We'll set the ring up this Saturday night.
The two of you can have a proper bout.
Mm? You have a ring? You're way too into this.
- You know that? - I'll be there.
And you make sure you're there, one dick.
"One dick"? What the hell does that even mean? This is it.
Nothing fancy.
Could probably use a woman's touch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you kidding me? This place is unbelievable.
I got to be honest I-I-I thought it was gonna be a total shithole.
[LAUGHS.]
The thing is, you see, uh, I used to own a fleet of about a dozen fishing boats.
Oh, okay.
Good money? Oh, no, I lost my shirt every season.
But, eventually, I sold 'em and, uh, made enough to buy myself a 7-Eleven.
- Ah, then you made a killing.
- No.
Fuck, those things are money pits.
But I started playing them scratch-off lottery tickets.
I won.
Get out of here.
Come on.
See, most people don't know this, but there's a certain way you can hold them up to the light that tells you which one's a winner.
Really? Now, what do you what do you got to do? - You got to turn it or - No, no.
It's nothing like that.
The whole secret to the thing [GRIMES WHIMPERS, WHINES.]
Grimes, not right now.
[GRIMES WHINES.]
- Well well, there's not much to him.
- Mm-hmm.
Feed him, walk him twice a day, and don't let him lick his ass.
[LAUGHS.]
That was a joke, that, 'cause you'll never stop him from licking his ass.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, look at this.
These people in the neighborhood group are going off about our meeting.
LOUDERMILK: Hmm? Oh, you think you'd have a murder rap? - No, I'd have the murder rap! - Nice.
I like what you did there, how you turned it around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Aah! Aah! You like how I turned that around? Those are the morons who bought the house down the street.
I guess.
Read what they wrote.
"Just moved into our Greene and Greene, and now we have front-row seats to bum fights.
FML.
Pound, clean up the riffraff.
" - Hashtag.
- These fucking idiots.
They think they bought a Greene and Greene.
They're fucking delusional.
They've already got 112 responses.
And almost no one's on our side.
They're all complaining about us.
Do you know these people? Yeah, we had a little talk before the meeting the other night.
Oh, I get it.
You pissed them off.
No, I pointed out they were being idiots.
And I guess they didn't like to hear it, so they started an Internet fight.
Wow.
They are really laying into you.
I mean, this shit's getting good.
You know, luckily for you, you live with one of the best Internet trolls around.
- I got this.
- No, no, no.
Don't do anything.
Just ignore it.
If you don't engage with this shit, it doesn't exist.
[SIGHS.]
I guess.
I'll see you in a bit.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
"Suck my big, fat donkey balls, "you pieces of shit.
Hashtag BlowMe.
" [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
That'll teach them.
There you go.
Hey! You like peanut butter, huh, Grimes? Yeah? Yeah, they should have called you Peanut Butter.
That'd be a good name for you.
What do you want to do? You wanna go for a walk? You want to walk this off? All right.
Hey, where's your leash? Come on! Let's go.
Where's your leash? Aah! Sorry, Grimes.
[CHUCKLES.]
And how does that work? What the fuck is this? Oh, check this out.
This is even bigger.
You got to be shittin' me! They're all over the fucking place.
This fight is going down, Tony.
What am I gonna do now, Mugsy? I don't know.
I don't blame you for being afraid.
This guy's a tough son of a bitch, man.
- He packs a hell of a nut-punch.
- What are you nuts? I'm not afraid.
He's a little person.
I'm not.
I can't fight him.
Everyone will think I'm a bully.
Well, not if you lose.
You just take a dive, like Sonny Liston.
Then everyone will think I'm pathetic.
Don't you see? This is a classic lose-lose situation here.
I've seen these before.
You know, never in person.
Only online.
You know, not that I was shopping for one.
I just happened to be cruising a couple two-three websites.
You understand how it is.
But I do remember thinking, "That's a lot of money "to pay for a fuck doll.
" But, still, you know, it's a testament to, uh, I guess, ingenuity and technology and, um, the male itch.
It's pathetic, though, to think that somebody would just want to separate themselves from actual human beings to the degree that they would seek sexual congress with an effigy of a real girl.
How low would you have to sink to reach those depths? [GRUNTS.]
Hah! God! God! [GASPING.]
Holy shit! That was the best sex of my entire life.
What the heck's going on down there? [LAUGHS.]
[GRIMES BARKS.]
- Hey, don't judge me, Grimes.
- [GRIMES WHIMPERS.]
Okay, look, I'm a I'm a curious person.
A seeker.
Look, it was just a one-time thing.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh! Ohh! [PANTING.]
Ahh.
LOUDERMILK: You look weird.
What'd you do? Nothing.
- You have a slip? - No! No.
[SIGHS.]
It's the neighborhood group forum.
I was just gonna write a couple of comments, you know, defend the group.
Maybe throw in a couple "go fuck yourself" memes.
And things got out of control.
These people are really good.
I mean, they're like assassins.
They kicked my ass up and down the whole forum.
I couldn't get a shot in.
Well, all right, so, you got your ass handed to you in an Internet forum.
Who cares? Well, not my ass.
Your ass.
See, I kinda escalated the whole thing, and then they started this online petition to, uh, kick our meetings out of the church.
What? They can't do that! Well, they've already got a ton of signatures.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Yeah? All right, all right.
Oh, hey, hey.
Calm down.
I'll be I'll be right there.
Text me the address.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Something's going on with Ben.
I gotta go.
[SIGHS.]
No more cyber fights! You can't be serious.
You fucked it? Uh-huh.
- A lot.
- Aw.
You had sloppy seconds with Ed's fuck doll? No, I'm not stupid.
I used condoms.
Sam, I can't quit her, okay? She's amazing, you know? No, I don't know.
She's like a butthole inside of a mouth inside a vagina.
It's like the turducken of vaginas.
[SIGHS.]
- I'm in trouble here, man.
- With who? Just don't tell Ed that you fucked his mannequin, and you'll you'll be fine.
Nope, mnh-mnh.
You got to get me out of here.
All right, so just get out of here.
Why do you drag me into it? Well, someone's got to take care of the dog.
Oh, so, what? You want me to stay here? No, I'm not staying here! Come on, I'm begging you! Please! Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, so, what do you want? Hey, thanks for meeting me, pal.
Tony, by the way.
- David.
- This whole thing You know, listen, I got no beef with you.
I was just sticking up for my buddy.
He's a little pussy, and I knew you'd knock the fuck out of him.
Yeah, I guess I was running a little hot.
I get it.
But this whole fight thing is crazy.
- We gotta call it off.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
I mean, you know, given different circumstances, you and I might be best buddies.
I don't know about best, but we could hang.
There you go.
Hold on.
Two, please.
Here you go, pal.
- What's this? - What's it look like? It's an ice-cream cone.
Think of it as an olive branch.
You trying to get out of a fight or adopt me? I don't want a fucking ice-cream cone.
What, do you want to see me go down the slide? - No.
- Huh? Huh? Just 'cause I'm small, you want to treat me like a little kid? No, I don't buy ice-cream cones for little kids.
That that'd be creepy.
Yeah, it is creepy, you arrogant piece of fuck! Hey, you don't have to act like a little prick about it.
- [BLOW LANDS.]
- Aah! Fuck.
Fight's still on, numbnuts! I'll be there, you little fucking dink! - I'll be waiting, honey! - [GROANS.]
You're actually promoting this thing? What are you The Catholic Don King? Nothing wrong with a little pugilism to raise some money for the church.
We've been doing this for years.
Anyway, you have got bigger problems than a couple of boys working out their differences in the ring.
I just got an e-mail from city hall.
Seems some of the neighbors have got an online petition going, and they want you gone.
I warned you, Loudermilk.
I'm gonna have to suspend your meetings if you can't get this straightened out.
You gotta be kidding me.
My meetings have to go, and this blood sport stays? Fix it, Loudermilk.
Of course.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? You can't just come over to our house.
Well, I actually can.
You have a walkway coming right up here and everything.
I know it must seem really crazy to you to be talking face-to-face to a human being, but it's actually kind of the way you're supposed to do these things.
- We tried to talk to you.
- Right, and I said a couple of things that you didn't like.
So then you ran to your keyboard echo chamber, and you dialed up an online mob.
And you need to leave.
I will.
I will.
But I'm gonna say something first face-to-face.
Those people in that church Those are very real people with very real problems.
And that meeting is the only thing that they have left that gets them through the day, okay? So shutting that down to nudge up your property values I hope that's worth it to you.
You believe this? Yeah, some turnout.
I can't believe I got to do this.
[MUFFLED.]
Relax, man.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine.
I'm not a boxer! What if I kill this guy? Or, worse, what if I lose? Calm down, man! What's the matter with you? - Why are you sweating already? - I'm not sweating.
That's butter from your fucking popcorn, you idiot.
- Get off of me.
- Mm-mmm.
[LAUGHING.]
Ohh, man! Y'all see the crowd out there? - This place is hype! - Crowd? - Yeah.
- I don't need a crowd.
I've seen little people wrestle before, but I've never seen two little people box.
This is gonna be epic.
Did you hear that? They think I'm a little person.
Yeah, no wonder.
Look at the poster.
Hey, listen.
I'm not a microbiologist, but what if we get you down to his size? How? You gonna cut my fucking legs off? I got an idea.
How you holding up, champ? Truth? Not good.
I don't want to fight this guy.
I just want my girl back.
What the fuck did I get myself into? Why don't you want to fight this guy? - He's huge! - You're huge! Not as huge as he is! Then you should have taken the fucking ice-cream cone.
I know I should have taken the fucking ice-cream cone! Stop telling me I should have taken - the fucking ice-cream cone! - Okay, relax, relax.
When the crowd sees how big he is, they're gonna be on your side.
And when the crowd is on your side I always win! That's it! Come on! That's it! - That's it! That's it! - Come on, baby.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Welcome to Immaculate Heart gymnasium.
It's Boxing Night! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Tonight's event is a grudge match to settle a love triangle gone horribly wrong! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
In the red corner, I give you David! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And in the blue corner, it's Tony! [CROWD BOOING.]
What the fuck is he doing? - Come on! - What the fuck is this? What's he trying to pull? [DINGING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
C'mon, David! Work his torso! This guy is, like, all torso, right? - So weird.
- Wait a second.
- You're rooting for David? - Why wouldn't I? I don't even know the other guy.
Yeah, but the other guy is me by proxy.
Well, if you were in there, I'd be rooting for you.
But you're too much of a What? Jew? No.
A coward.
Wait a second.
You think I'm a coward just because I don't want to get into a boxing ring and fight in some barbaric, vicious sport that should've been outlawed decades ago? That makes me a coward? You make the Cowardly Lion look like Suge Knight.
Louise.
MAN: Oh! They're holding him! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! That's a disqualification.
And that's a disqualification.
- Disqualification! - [BELL DINGS.]
Disqualification! Gentlemen, come on up.
- [CROWD BOOING.]
- Come on, Tony.
And the winner is No, no, no, no, no! Don't stand up! Tony! Wait a second! He's not a little person! Fuck this shit! Fuck that! - [CROWD BOOING.]
- Get him! That's cultural appropriation! He's appropriating! Appropriator! Come on! [BONE CRACKS.]
Owwwwwww! My ankie! [CROWD CHANTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
TREV: Oh, great.
We were hoping you'd be here, Mr.
Louderman.
Milk.
Loudermilk.
Ah.
Oh.
Well, we just wanted to say that maybe we No, not maybe.
Definitely.
We wanted to say we were wrong.
You know? And and we realized what you're doing here is very important.
And and I guess we just we got all NIMBY.
Mm-hmm.
That stands for "not in my backyard.
" And we're not those kind of people at all.
We are for the common man all the way.
Like, hard-core.
We just Well, we lost sight of the big picture.
But we support what you're doing here.
Totally.
- A-And we got you this.
- Oh.
- It's a state-of-the-art ashtray.
- Mm-hmm.
It's homemade in Ojai.
It can hold a lot of cigarette butts.
That way, they won't get stuck in the stomachs of dolphins and seals.
And we took your petition down from letsfixit.
org.
So we're hoping you can forgive us and we can all live in harmony.
Wow.
I, uh I don't know what to say.
I just really admire both of you for being able to admit that you [MAN SCREAMING, INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
We had a little fundraiser in the gym tonight, and, um Hey! You're the guys from the neighborhood forum.
I just want to say respect.
You guys are, like, troll royals.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, who are you? And, no, we're not trolls.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING, TIRES SCREECHING.]
[GASPS.]
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
You son of a bitch.
You defiled my lady! What? I did no such thing.
You took my Lucy out of her closet, and you pounded the shit out of her! - Oh! - BEN: Oh, my word! I mean, why would I do that? All my rubbers are gone! I found two of them in her poop hole! - Ooh.
Geez.
- Ugh! This is a little unusual, even for us.
Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay! All right, okay.
I'm sorry, okay? She's just so dang enchanting, and I ju I lost control of myself.
And you made my dog lick peanut butter off your pecker.
Oh, my God! What the fuck are you talking about, Ed? Oh, okay.
Now I get it.
That's the that's the peanut butter thing.
Oh, like you don't know.
I mark my peanut butter.
There's a half a jar missing.
No.
No, I had I had some crackers with peanut butter.
Right.
Look, Ed, I swear on my mother I would never let your dog lick peanut butter off of my pecker, Ed.
Let's think about this, okay? He's not a machine.
How's he gonna have anything left for the dog after what he did to Lucy? Thank you.
You don't come near her again.
Oh, hey.
Thanks for the ashtray.
Well, that was an eventful evening.
God, it's been a long time since I got punched in the balls.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah, me too.
My third time in a week.
Fucking hat trick! - - [RINGING CONTINUES.]
Oh, God.
I gotta take it.
Sorry, guys.
I gotta take this.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hey, Dad.
I'm sorry I've been really hard to reach.
I haven't Hello? Who's this? Uh-huh? Okay.
Yeah, I'll be there.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Is everything okay, Loudermilk? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean My dad died.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S THE ACADEMY AWARD PLAYS.]
Show me the body These pictures will shock you Love is a drag we don't need anymore We don't need to score Show me the body 404 Gateway not found My wife is such a fan Show me the body Show me the body now We're starring in the movies of our lives We're starring in the movies of our lives