Mad About You s02e09 Episode Script

All right, I'm looking.
- Top shelf.
- I'm looking at the top shelf.
Behind the milk.
Behind the milk.
It's just jar food.
How about to the right? To the right.
To the right you got your pickles, condiments and yogurts.
Try underneath, way in back.
What am I looking for? I don't know.
- Is he looking? - No.
- What exactly is the deal? - Lf he sees the suitcases he knows we're leaving.
He doesn't know we'll be back.
- I have to break it to him? - We'll be home before he figures it out.
- Can I raid the fridge? - Help yourself.
Just leave us the little light bulb.
Meanwhile, we're ready.
There's no Fran, no Ira.
Can I just point that out? - Got it.
- You know it's a scam, don't you? You said you wouldn't ruin it until we got there.
Think about it.
Why? Why would a big hotel in Atlantic City invite Ira down for a free trip? Because they're Ionely? It's a trick.
It's a scam.
It's a big scam.
No, it's not.
Ira talked to the hotel and everything's confirmed and comped: The room, the food, everything.
We're gonna have a great weekend.
All right, would you? He understands "weekend.
" Can't you just look at this like an adventure? What was I thinking? An adventure.
It's a ruse.
It's a con.
It's a scam.
It's a flimflam thing.
You know what they do? You can gamble all your money away.
Everything's free.
Then if you don't buy a time-share, they charge everything back to you.
- You read about this all the time.
- Where do you read about it? - What do you mean, where? - Tell me where you read this.
- Whatever.
Wherever.
- Name one magazine or book that you read this in.
Certain places have these things, and I've read them.
- Hey, can I make gravy? - Yeah, what are you gonna put it on? A plate.
Here we go.
Yeah.
They want to come up? Tell them we'll be right there.
All right.
All right, so a little trip to the market.
- Just going to the market.
- Downstairs to the market.
- Two or three minutes.
- Heading to the market.
Okay, fine.
Have a good weekend.
Nice, nice.
We'll get paper towels and milk at the market - Let it go.
Let it go.
- Look how sad.
They're never coming back.
Like taking candy from a baby.
- See, it's a scam.
It's all a big scam.
- Pull.
- I never win with you.
- Yes, it's all me.
Because I'm inside there, keeping the fruits from coming down.
- Paul, come here.
- What, what, what? - Here.
- What is this? It's 200 bucks.
Now no matter what I say no matter how many times I ask or what I do don't give this back to me until we get home.
- Don't do this to me.
- Just hold it for me.
- Why don't you just keep it? - No, I want you to keep it.
- Just don't give it to me.
- Lf you ask me for it, I'll give it to you.
- I'm asking you not to give it to me.
- All right.
Unless I beg.
Don't give me one cherry.
What will I do with one cherry? I hate this machine.
Meanwhile, you're putting it through college.
Give me some quarters.
- What are you doing? - Looking at hookers.
Where? There.
- The brunette's cute.
- Yeah? I'm thinking the blond.
She's a little sleazy.
Why do you got to insult mine? If you found out, when we were dating I was a hooker, would you still have married me? - There is just no way I can win here.
- All right! Yeah! - That's our money.
- Come on, honey.
No, no, no.
This is not right.
Walk away.
Frannie, when's your birthday? October 28th.
All right, 10, 28.
If she rolls a 10 or 28, you win 35 bucks.
- Twenty-eight, black.
- Twenty-eight! Lady, you're good luck! - Fifty bucks! - All right, Frannie.
Loan me 10.
Linda from Nevada, what do I got? I got a five or a 15.
What should I do? Linda from Nevada will not help me.
Do you see that? You ever been to Nevada? You know what they have? Just sand and hot.
That's the whole show.
All right, give me another card, Linda from Nevada.
- Linda gives me a nine.
- You have 14.
Jamie from New Haven tells me I have 14.
All right.
Linda from Nevada, give me a winner, please.
There it is.
- Twenty-four.
- Kiss my parents.
Okay, hit me.
- God! - You can't beat the house.
- But I can beat that machine.
- Leave the machine alone.
No, no, no.
This time it's personal.
It's a personal thing with the machine.
Minnesota.
Minnesota, the herring capital of the world.
I read that.
That's That's a fact.
I didn't mean to offend.
I offended Minnesota.
Look at that.
All right, what do I got? I got 19.
I'm gonna stick.
You got a seven and an eight.
You got 15.
I got 15.
I will take another card.
Thank you.
- You're busted.
- Hello.
That's the best you can do after 20 years? - Marianne.
- Marianne.
Yeah, you look good.
Marianne! Marianne! - You never really changed, Pauly.
- Well, I can say you have.
Telling me! Last time we talked, I was, what? Working at the A&P? Now I got a whole new life.
I got my own leather notebook, walkie-talkie an enviable job as a casino hostess.
Watch this.
Linda, you're fired.
Just kidding.
I wouldn't do that, but I could.
So wait a second.
You're the one.
You set up this whole weekend, didn't you? I was feeling nostalgic.
You know, where you remember stuff? Do you remember stuff, Pauly? Yes, I remember very well, Marianne.
- Good.
- So does Ira.
Honey, I won.
- A buck and a quarter? - It's the principle.
Okay.
Who's the blond, Pauly? The blond is wifey.
- This This - Good going.
- Thank you.
- Honey? Yes.
Marianne Lugasso, this is my wife, Jamie.
- Hello.
- I like you.
- I mean, I don't know you from nothing.
- Thank you.
But I get senses about people, and I could tell you're one.
Big step up from Sherry Kleinman.
- Who? - From King's Highway.
I'll tell you later.
Did I let the cat out of the bag? Cut my tongue off.
So the two of you are old friends? - More like related.
- It's a long story.
I'm Ira's wife.
That's the short version.
- Where is he anyhow? - What is the difference? I'm sorry.
You said you're Ira's wife? Yeah.
Welcome to the family.
- Can I buy you a mixed drink? - Absolutely.
Right this way.
- What? - What? Ira was married.
Why are you looking at me? - Why didn't you tell me? - It was a long time ago.
- He doesn't talk about it.
- Why not? Because he got hurt.
He was embarrassed.
- Ira was embarrassed? - Trust me.
- Champagne cocktails? - Sure.
Not for me, thank you.
They're very classy and on the house.
I work here.
Watch this.
Lenny, you're fired.
Just kidding.
- So you and Ira were married.
- We are married.
No, you were married.
Technically, we never got divorced.
Technically, you haven't seen Ira in 20 years.
I'm not saying we had a perfect life.
What's the matter? You look a little piqued.
I just I never knew.
Sit down.
You never told her about me, Pauly? What's the matter? You two don't talk? We don't talk? Come on, it was a six-month thing 20 years ago.
What is there to say? Why are you doing this whole thing, Marianne? I think about him.
I want to know that he's all right.
When you kick a guy in the heart like that you lose the right to know if he's okay.
You wanna be a good ex-wife, go away.
You don't like me anymore, do you, Pauly? L Frankly, not so much.
You used to like me.
In fifth grade, he sent me two valentines.
One with a Snoopy and one with a little duck.
- That's what they had.
- That was the year I taught him to kiss.
Well, thank you.
You did a wonderful job.
Don't mention it.
So you two had a thing? No, we didn't have a thing.
- How come? - You know why? Because Ira liked you more.
- Where is he, Pauly? - I don't think Ira needs to see you.
You know, I just want to say hello.
Why the federal case? See my point, honey? Why now? Why, all of a sudden, is it so important to see Ira? - Because.
- What? I'm getting married again and I need him to sign the divorce papers.
I told you there was a catch.
Didn't I say that? I mean, it's just a formality, but I figure, legally, it's better if you're only married once at a time.
Makes sense.
All right, you know what? Let me talk to him first.
- Sure.
- All right.
Come on.
And if there's anything that I can do to make your stay more pleasurable you know who to call.
Your relative, Marianne.
Yes, we would like the Victor Borge.
And we'd like the Liza Minnelli.
Could we get that with romaine instead of radicchio? All right, and we'd like the Buddy Hackett.
No, no, no, no, toasted.
- Does Fran know where he went? - She said he went downstairs.
- By himself? - He's fine.
Hi, yes.
I'm sorry.
The Borge, the Minnelli, the Hackett and I'm torn.
I'm torn right here between the Siegfried and the Roy.
- Get both.
- We'll have supper in two hours.
- It's free.
- Nothing is free.
You know what? I'll go with the Siegfried.
- Thank you.
That's it.
- Fran wants a shrimp cocktail.
Yes, and one shrimp cocktail.
I'm sorry.
Make that two shrimp cocktails.
That's it.
- And crab legs.
- What are you? A sea lion? And we'll take If I may, I'd like to add to that one order of crab legs.
Okay, and that's it.
Lower the net.
Because No, because it's a Never mind.
Sorry.
Forget it.
All right, that's it.
And it's definitely all free up here? Okay.
All right.
Thank you very much, Vivian.
So I ordered for Ira.
How long's he been down there? I don't know.
Why are you so worried? Because he had such a thing for this girl.
She had, like, a spell on him.
What spell? She handed him divorce papers.
He laughed and made jokes.
- You don't see through that? - See through what? It's Ira.
- Say hello to my sister.
- We'll be home before she Just You don't know what he went through.
All through high school, she played him like a yo-yo.
She'd date him.
She'd dump him.
She'd date him.
She'd dump him.
- She'd date him.
She'd dump him.
- I get it.
- He married her.
- You know why? Because she asked.
She asked to marry My cousin cannot say no to this woman.
- Why not? - Why not? Because she has a way.
She gets guys to do things.
- She get you to do anything? - Look at this.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi, there.
- What? - Hello.
- Did she get you to do anything? - What's the difference? - Come on.
- All right, here's one.
She Because of her, I lost my learner's permit, okay? She got me to drive at night without a grownup.
What a whore.
She still has my Three Dog Night albums.
Ira's a big boy.
You don't always have to take care of him.
- I don't always take care of him.
- It's what you do.
Is the food here? I'm feeling a little hypoglycemic.
You didn't eat anything before? I told you, you have to watch that.
I forgot.
If Mark were here, he would remind me.
Hey, you.
Why did you let Ira go downstairs? - What? - You're roommates in there.
- You're supposed to keep an eye out.
- You're doing it.
You're taking care of everybody.
Eat your banana.
Thank you.
If I told you something, you promise not to laugh? Of course.
I felt Mark with me at the taffy pull.
Hey! I was thinking of something else.
I get that feeling a lot.
You know what? I'll bet Marianne took him for a drive.
And now he'll lose his license.
I'll have to drive home.
Sometimes I'll be at dinner or the movies, and I'll feel him there.
Once I even felt him in the ladies' room.
- Well, he really shouldn't be there.
- He really shouldn't be anywhere.
I just can't help it.
When is this gonna go away? Know what you should do? Call up the concierge, set up an exorcism.
It's comped.
Let me ask you something, Ira.
Do you despise me? - Yes.
- No, I'm serious.
- Yes.
- You don't despise me.
No.
- Why would I? - Why wouldn't you? Okay, then I do.
I don't want to go through life with you hating me.
Marianne, you know me.
You know I don't hate anybody.
What about the guy that did your hair? Hey, I wouldn't talk.
- You don't like it? - No, no, no.
I love it.
The guy I'm marrying lives in Luxembourg.
- You know, over in Europe? - Yeah? - So probably, I'll never see you again.
- Well, we know what that's like.
Technically, Ira, we're still husband and wife.
Yeah, I know.
I got the wedding album in my wallet.
You know, they have a very nice honeymoon suite here which happens to be available.
I thought you were getting married.
Not for two weeks.
Yeah? We never did it with a mirror.
We never did it with a bed.
Come on, Ira.
What's the worst that could happen? I might like it.
I'm your wife.
No, no.
Not anymore, Marianne.
Listen, you have a good life.
Lenny, you're fired.
I'm not kidding.
I can't believe we're out of Toblerones.
- Hey, James.
- Did you eat all the Toblerones? Fran.
You want some? Yeah.
What are you celebrating? My divorce.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least I took this place for seven bills.
Good for you.
But you know, you beat them at the tables they spring your ex-wife on you.
Can't beat the house.
I think she's cute.
- Yeah? - I can definitely see you two together.
I tell you, it was no picnic.
Why? Man, we spent the weekends living with my family.
We lived with her family during the week.
Can you imagine you and Pauly living like that? That's not the kind of thing you should joke about.
Actually, it wasn't that bad.
It was a hassle, but at least we were together.
- What happened? - Who knows? One Saturday night I'm at home I'm watching the Yankees pound the Red Sox and I'm waiting for Marianne to come home.
I wanted her to see All in the Family because I knew she'd dig it even though she wouldn't watch it because supposedly Edith Bunker reminded her of her dad.
- Edith reminded her of her dad? - Yeah.
It's a very odd family.
But they were nice to me.
They were nicer to me than my family was to her.
So anyway, she came home that night, and it was over.
What did she say? She didn't say anything.
She just walked in.
She was wearing these little white painter pants and a blue T-shirt that she stole from me and she just She started crying.
You ever steal one of Pauly's T-shirts? Constantly.
Yeah.
Feels good when someone steals your T-shirt.
So that was it? She just left? Well, we got one more ride out of each other but, yeah.
Yeah, that was it.
- Hey, what's going on? - Hey, Pauly, seven bills.
- I took this place for over 700 bucks.
- Good for you.
Call me irresponsible.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- Am I in trouble? - No, no, no.
We're just talking.
- Should I leave? - No, no.
No.
Listen, don't talk about Marianne.
I won't.
- He doesn't like to talk about it.
- Okay.
- What are you talking about? - Marianne.
All right, so I'm going back to bed.
Anybody care I'm going back to bed? I'll be right there.
Well, you want any more of this? Yeah, I'll take all of it.
Don't sit here all night by yourself and get drunk.
You ever tried it? - No.
- Then don't knock it.
Good night.
It's mine, in case you get cold.
Tell me something.
How come every time I meet a great girl she's in love with my cousin? Good night.
- Hey, Frannie.
- What? - What are you doing? - I'm laying here.
What do you think I'm doing? - What do you say? - About what? You know.
We're on vacation.
What do you mean? I mean, you know, what the hell? Ira! What? You and me having sex isn't gonna help either of us.
Why don't we try it and hope that you're incredibly wrong? Can I ask you something serious? Yeah, sure.
How long until you took off your wedding ring? Well, it was plastic.
I broke it off.
I can't seem to take mine off.
You gotta do it quick, like a Band-Aid.
You're probably right.
I keep telling myself, in a few more weeks, maybe in a month.
But maybe it's because I only been separated for six months after being married 10 years.
Hey, Frannie, I've been separated 20 years after being married 10 minutes.
Trust me.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, Ira.
Yeah? Okay.
Okay what? Okay.
Fran.
It was your idea.
- You won't tell anyone? - Who am I gonna tell? Them.
I won't tell her if you don't tell him.
- Deal.
- Can we shake on it? I'll start any way you want.
If we ever broke up, who would take care of us? I'd take care of you.
But we're broken up.
- We're not friends? - That "friends" thing never works.
- It's emotionally untenable.
- Says who? I read it.
Where? Where did you read it? - The same place you read yours.
- No, because I do read my stuff.
- Where? Where do you read it? - All right, forget it.
You know what? We won't break up.
If we ever did, there'd be no one there to take care of us.
- We should stay together.
- Yes.
All right, so when you get up, I'll be here.
- Forever? - Yes, forever.
I got a thing in my 50s.
But it's like half an hour, and I'll be right back.
All right, here we go.
Ready? Yes! You know why? I know what I'm doing.
All right, here we go.
We are on a roll now.
Pardon me.
I'll give you $ 1 million to sleep with your wife.
- Great.
- Great.