Man with a Plan (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

We're really excited to have the kids stay with us while you guys are away for a little grown-up time.
Wink, wink.
Ma, don't "wink, wink.
" You're gonna ruin grown-up time.
Don't worry, honey, I got some new lingerie.
You'll power through.
So, you're going to Atlantic City.
I've had some good times there with your mother.
I've never been to Atlantic City, Joe.
Well, some lucky lady.
A-And it's not Atlantic City, Dad, it's Vegas.
I told you that ten minutes ago when you were complaining about how tinfoil used to be thicker.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, we are gonna have such fun with these cuties.
I have a candy bar at home weighs more than you do.
I love you, Grandma.
(CHUCKLES) Mwah.
And we're hoping that Kate looks up from her phone at some point.
What? And we've got something special planned for you, Teddy.
I fixed up your dad's old BB gun.
You better sleep with one eye open.
I've got a video of you singing "Let It Go" in your towel.
A BB gun for Teddy? Oh, don't worry, my dad's a great teacher.
Don and I both had 'em when we were kids.
Oh, yeah, I taught my boys how to shoot the Army way.
Safety first.
Unless you're being overrun by Charlie, then it's just spray and pray.
But Teddy's so young.
But it's a Burns family tradition.
Three generations of men sharing knowledge and history and companionship.
That's the kind of emotional crap you love.
I do love emotional crap.
Okay, well, just be careful.
All right, you better get out of here - before she changes her mind.
- Yeah.
- Okay, honey, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Mwah.
(SIGHS) So tell me more about this girl from Atlantic City.
Honey, don't worry about who else played the game.
You won the prize.
I'm looking forward to teaching your boy how to shoot.
Once Teddy learns how to use a BB gun, I'll show him my real guns.
Okay, bye, Dad, yup, night-night.
Okay.
Drive safe.
Off you go.
(CHUCKLES) Wait-wait-wait, wh-what did he just say? Oh, nothing, just some old guy jibber-jab.
Nothing to worry about.
Wait, wait, wait.
H-He has real guns at home? I can't believe you never told me that.
Honey, my dad hunts, he's a vet.
I figured you knew.
I'm gonna go in here now.
Oh, I'm gonna go in here, too.
Look, our kids are over there a lot.
Yeah, and think how safe they are being protected by all those guns.
Look, when Kate was born, you got rid of your hunting rifles.
I just I don't understand why people insist on having guns.
That's 'cause no one as smart as me has ever explained it to you.
Okay? People say it's about their rights and their freedom, but here's the real truth: guns are fun.
They go boom, people like that.
But they're dangerous.
In the hands of idiots.
But the fact that you never even knew my dad had 'em proves how careful and safe he is.
I think it just proves that you never told me.
It can prove two things.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not comfortable leaving the kids there.
I just I-I won't be able to enjoy myself in Vegas.
No, no, no, leave Vegas out of this.
We've had to cancel this trip three times.
Okay, well, then talk to your dad about getting rid of his guns and we can go.
If you feel so strongly about it, maybe you should talk to my dad.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll tell your dad to get rid of his guns.
You can tell my mom she has to start wearing a bra.
I'll take the guns.
If she's not gonna listen to the manager at the Golden Corral, she's not gonna listen to me.
So here's the thing, Dad.
I had a talk with Andi, and you need to get rid of your guns.
(LAUGHS) - Your wife is very funny, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's a hoot.
But after you brought up your real guns last night, Andi got all worried about the kids staying with you guys next week.
Oh, geez.
No one's more careful than me.
I told her, but there's talk of calling off Vegas.
Okay, I need to play blackjack in a hotel robe, holding a morning beer.
I need it, Dad.
All right, all right.
Look, I think Andi just doesn't like guns because she's never shot one.
That's what I was thinking.
So how about we take her to the shooting range? She can see how responsible you are, and we can change her mind.
Oh, I like it.
Okay, good.
By the way, how many times have you actually changed her mind about something? I don't know, who keeps track of that stuff? Zero's not a hard number to remember.
Who can say fresh radishes? You don't have to say it, I'll just give you some.
I grew them in my garden.
Have one.
No, thanks.
I don't try new things.
Don, we've talked about this, it's good to broaden your horizons.
Well, actually, Lowell, in 99% of deaths, you'll find out that the deceased, at some point, tried something new.
But everybody tries something new.
And everybody dies.
You got any tomatoes in that man basket? I know I like those.
Well, I planted some, but I've got a thieving woodchuck in my garden.
I tried to have my cat chase him off, but they became unlikely animal friends.
You know, my dad fixed up Adam's old BB gun.
How about you and I go out and take care of that woodchuck? Scarface style.
I don't like this place.
And why are people wearing camouflage inside? It just makes them more obvious.
I can see all of you! Honey, don't rile up the gun owners.
Just relax.
Okay, once you fire off a few rounds, I think you'll see it's not as scary as it seems.
- Ready? - All right.
Let's go over a few safety rules, huh? Always assume that every gun is loaded.
Is that one loaded? What did I just say? She's not listening.
Trust me, Dad, that's not how you do it with her.
It's true.
It's not how you do it with me.
All right, you want to go give this a try? Well, if it gets me off the set of Deliverance, I'll do it.
Okay, fire when ready.
Well that's just the best thing ever.
I've seen you eat carrots before, so I know you'll like these.
I want the last thing that woodchuck sees to be us enjoying what is rightfully ours! Got any ranch dressing? I do.
Can I have some? You may not.
Just try one without it.
(SIGHS) Why are you always looking to change me? It's like when you wanted me to see movies that aren't Fast & Furious.
There are better movies.
Branch out.
There aren't better movies.
They made eight and the worst one was good.
It went great, great, great, good, great, great, better, best.
Of course you love it it's the ranch dressing of movies.
Shh, look, there's the woodchuck.
That's right, just sit there and eat that tomato.
Oh, no, my cat! - (GUN FIRES) - Ow! You shot me in the butt! No, I didn't.
I was at work all day.
But I don't want to go home.
Babe, we've been here two hours.
You can't go full Rambo on the first day.
Okay.
But first let me check out the gift counter.
They have a-a pepper grinder that looks like a hand grenade.
How do I not have one of those? All right, looks like Atlantic City is back on.
I told you it's Vegas.
Whoa, Dad, you just put your phone in the gun case.
What? Were you about to put the gun in your pocket? Don't worry about what I put where.
Well, I'm just saying, if someone calls and you answer your gun, we're gonna have a problem.
I can't see in here because they're using those global warming light bulbs.
We're all walking around in the dark to save some salamander.
Saddle up, boys, I got to stop by the butcher.
I want to eat something for dinner that was walking around yesterday.
I'm not so sure about Vegas.
What? But I was really impressed with your dad.
I don't have any problem with the kids staying there.
He knows what he's doing.
I used to think that, too.
Back at the range, he got his gun and his phone mixed up.
I've never seen him do anything like that.
Well, I mean, maybe he-he just got confused.
I mean, that place was thrilling.
Things got crazy.
I didn't even pay for this hat.
It's more than that.
I've been noticing stuff.
He keeps thinking we're going to Atlantic City.
Like he's lost a step.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think he should have guns around the house anymore.
And I have to be the jerk that tells him.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Hey, you talk to my dad, and I will wrestle your mother into that bra.
Yeah, now that I think about it, I think it might be awkward for you to force underwear on my mom.
Yeah.
And I think you're the one that has to talk to your dad.
I know.
(SIGHS) Poor guy.
I just I hate to hit him with this.
Well, hey, there is a silver lining.
I mean, if you handle this now, then you won't get shot when it's time to take away his car keys.
So, here's the thing, Dad.
I had another talk with Andi, and you need to get rid of your guns.
(LAUGHS) That's still a classic.
Yeah.
You're not laughing.
This time I'm serious.
That thing at the range, with your cell phone, that freaked me out.
Oh, you were always easily startled.
Oh, that's true.
He used to hate his jack-in-the-box.
Crank, crank, crank, cry.
You know I'm right.
That thing at the range bothered you, too.
Well, you're not taking my guns.
I have a constitutional right to defend myself.
From what? Snowflakes like you trying to take my guns.
Everybody eventually slips a little.
It's happening to me, too.
I tried jumping rope with Emme, I almost had to go to the hospital.
Well, I won't do it.
I've already given up everything else worth having.
Fried food, hard liquor, tobacco.
And that's the holy trinity.
Ma, help me out here.
She's not gonna help you on this.
Actually, I agree with Adam.
Bev.
Joe, y-you accidentally left me at the Kmart last week.
Why are you assuming that was an accident? Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but either give me the guns, or or the kids can't come over here anymore.
Well, then, that's how it's gonna be.
Wait, wait, we don't get the kids now? Look, forget what I said.
Your dad's fine.
Stop being a snowflake.
Really, Dad? That's your choice? You heard me.
All right, then, I guess I'm leaving.
Good.
Try not to get scared by a clown in a box on your way out.
That thing is not a toy.
It's a horror movie with a handle.
I can't believe you tattled to my wife.
Don, why would you shoot him? I thought you liked this one.
It was an accident.
Or was it? I think he was mad because I wouldn't give him ranch dressing.
Which is a child's condiment.
Oh, you've got to give Don his ranch, Lowell.
How's he gonna eat? You owe me an apology.
You really think I shot you on purpose? (SCOFFS) That is very hurtful.
Is it as hurtful as being hit by a hunk of metal flying through the air at 900 miles an hour? Well, I can't say, because I've never been dumb enough to step in front of one.
So that's a no on the apology.
Fine.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave while I still have my dignity.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow, Don.
I'm sorry about that.
But one day you're gonna be better at this than me, and I'll be okay with that.
It's just the natural order of things, okay? I win.
Wow, it happens sooner than you think.
Don't worry.
You can still beat Teddy.
- (SCOFFS) - (DOOR OPENS) - Hey.
- Hey.
I talked to your mom today.
Your dad's still pretty bent out of shape.
He turned the hose on some Mormons that came by, but not even that cheered him up.
Maybe you should go over there No, no, no, no, no.
See, this is what my dad does.
He acts out, then I feel guilty, and you always make me go over there and talk to him.
I'm not doing it this time.
I don't always do that.
Sometimes your mom does it.
And I've been thinking about it.
We're still going to Vegas.
But who's gonna watch the kids? Well, we'll bring 'em along.
We'll find someone to watch 'em there.
You can pay a woman to do anything in Vegas.
(DOOR OPENS) Hi, Adam.
Oh, here comes the other one.
I don't care how mad he is, I'm not going over there.
I just came to tell you I've got your dad's guns in the trunk of my car.
Seriously? Is Dad in there, too? H-He's not gonna pop out like a jack-in-the-box, is he? No, he gave them up.
He said he realized you're right, and he has to confront the reality of getting older.
What did he really say? (SIGHS) He said "Get these damn things out of my house," and something about his son being dead to him, but he could've been talking about Don.
Adam, are-are you hearing this? I mean, you changed two people's minds this week.
I actually think you might be able to get that bra on my mom.
(SIGHS) It'd be great if you could do it before Thanksgiving.
I don't want my mashed potatoes ruined again.
Honey, what's wrong? - You don't look happy.
- Eh I know my dad.
That couldn't have been easy for him.
Oh, if only he had someone to talk it through with.
- Oh, interesting, Bev.
- Mm-hmm.
But who should it be? Nice show, ladies.
All right.
I'm going.
If he squirts me with the hose, I'm taking that away, too.
DON: Hey, Lowell.
What brings you by? Is she gonna hold me down while you finish me off, execution style? We're here because when my husband's unhappy, I'm unhappy.
So let's fix this.
Okay? You think that Don shot you because on some deeper level, he was mad at you.
But I-I know from experience, Don only has one level.
That's true.
I'm an emotional pancake, baby.
But he is sorry.
So to make things right, there's only one solution.
Lowell, shoot Don in the butt.
What? That's crazy.
Look, you're my friend, and if this will make things okay between us, then I'm willing to turn the other cheek.
And let you shoot me in it.
Aw.
You've never called me your friend before.
I'll do it.
What? Marcy, you said he wouldn't do it.
No, Lowell, this was just a gesture.
I can't let you shoot my husband.
I won't.
I just wanted to scare him a little.
(CHUCKLES) How do you put this thing on safety? - (GUN FIRES) - DON: Ow! Eh, he had it coming.
Hey.
Hey.
I heard you had a little fun with the hose earlier.
You're not taking that away.
That nozzle's the last thing I have with a trigger.
I was just looking out for you.
Well, you weren't entirely, uh, 100% completely wrong.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Look, I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at time.
You know, some day one of your kids is gonna show up and take away your stuff.
Oof, you're right.
It'll probably be Emme.
She just kicked my ass at checkers.
It didn't feel good, did it? No.
But you know, there are some upsides to getting older.
Yeah? Name one.
Uh You can give anyone you want the finger, and they won't try and fight you.
Yeah, I do enjoy that.
Oh, and if you don't want to talk to someone, you just pretend you can't hear 'em.
What'd you say? I said if you don't want to t (BOTH LAUGH) - Nice.
- Ah, I'm still funnier than you.
Eh? And I can shoot straighter, too.
I know, Dad.
Look, nothing's changed.
Okay? You know, the toughest part about this whole thing is when I'm not sure what to do, I ask you.
But because this was about you, I had to do it on my own.
That's why it went so poorly.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You know, I just thought of another upside: if you do things right, you raise a kid who cares enough to really piss you off.
And you are just full of compliments today.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Do I smell chicken, or am I having a stroke? Oh, oh.
You know, I figured, if you got to give something up, you should get something back, right? Fried food, - hard liquor.
- Ah.
and tobacco.
- The holy trinity.
- The holy trinity.
Eh? Ah.
Ooh.
These are Cubans, huh? Those Commies know how to roll a stogie.
And Mom never has to know.
Oh, she doesn't scare me.
But we better crack a window.
She's got guns now.
I'm back, baby.
All right, that's the guns all locked up.
Listen, Dad.
If you ever want to go shooting, - I'd be happy to take you to the range.
- Sounds good.
There's a great chicken joint on that side of town.
- Ooh.
- Okay, you can stop with the whispering.
I know about the fried chicken.
Our house smells like Colonel Sanders got drunk and caught on fire.
Okay, Bev, so we'll drop the kids by Friday afternoon on our way to the airport? Oh, we won't be home then.
It's been a stressful week, and Joe wants to get out of town for a few days.
Yeah, all that Vegas talk put me in the mood.
What? You take away my guns, I take away your Vegas.