Married (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

I want a real babysitter.
You don't need a babysitter anymore.
Your sister's old enough to start watching you.
Babysitters are fun.
Babysitters are expensive.
And I can pay your sister half.
Can I get paid, too? For what? For being great.
How about if Ella says that you are actually "great," I will give you five dollars? Here's the problem.
Ella lies.
We already know I'm gonna be great.
I think I should get the money now.
Will you take a check? Well, let's see if we can find Mom's checkbook.
Can you believe this is our first night ever - without a babysitter? - I know.
It's a new era.
Think she can handle it? Probably not.
Shit! Baby! Oh, my God! What the?! S02E09 Guardians That truck came out of nowhere.
- We almost died.
- I know.
I had to throw out my underwear.
I feel like we should go home.
Hey, will you please keep it down? My lady friend and I are trying to enjoy the entertainment.
- What do you think? - Not bad.
Yeah, they sound great.
You like working with them? I do.
They're young.
So the asshole-to-talent ratio is still manageable.
Very cool.
Uh, so, where is Jess? She's, uh You know, I forgot which excuse she used this time.
Yeah.
Is everything okay? Well, hey, you would know better than me.
I I really don't.
I don't know anything.
Well, that makes two of us.
When that truck almost hit us, all I could think about was the girls.
They're alone tonight.
I just keep imagining the cops walking up to our front door and telling the girls they're orphans.
Wait, uh, who's an orphan? I'm an orphan.
- My parents are worthless.
- Oh.
That's not what an orphan is.
- Listen.
- I know.
Russ and I don't have wills! You see, if anything happens to us, we don't have a plan for who gets the girls.
My ex gets Chase.
Roxanne and her husband get Caitlin.
This is what makes divorce great you're less likely to die together.
Maybe you and Russ should just get divorced.
Oh, for the kids.
I'm starting to think you guys are good for each other.
Can I come in? Oh mm, I don't think that's such a good idea.
You know, Chase has karate in the morning, and if he sees you, he'll just he'll get confused.
I could pretend to be the exterminator.
I'm here about your mice, ma'am.
Hmm? How do you know about my mice? I know you.
I know you.
Let me meet your kid.
Um I don't think so.
I made that mistake before.
Introduced him to a few guys who were bad choices.
You know, I've made some bad choices.
Me, too.
Every choice I make is bad.
We're perfect for each other.
Oh.
- Chase, Chase, wake up! - Oh.
Shh! It's time to meet your new daddy.
Oh, God, you're crazy.
Hey, I've been very up front about that.
I like it.
You stay there.
Bye.
Kiss Chase for me.
What are you doing? I'm working on a spreadsheet.
It's a list of friends and relatives that we might want to consider leaving the kids with if we die.
This column is my comment section.
"Too bitchy, too crazy, "too broke, too sleazy, too in jail.
" Yep, that's everyone we know.
Until we figure this out, I really don't think we should travel together.
Separate cars, separate planes.
Separate yachts? Everything is separate until we figure out who gets the kids.
- Oh, I have an idea.
- Who? Valerie, Jess's nanny.
What about her? I trust her more than anybody that we're actually friends with.
What's going on with them? I have I have no clue.
- I thought Jess told you everything.
- Yeah.
Honestly, I don't want to know anything anymore.
It makes it too hard with Shep.
I feel like a jackass when I know something he doesn't.
So, Jess isn't so fun anymore? I don't know.
Maybe I'm not so fun anymore.
Look at all this acid wash! How did that come back? Everything comes back.
Hey, how much you get paid for something like this? The real money's in Vegas.
That is next level.
You're next level.
Can you tell my manager that, please? I think you have the wrong manager, babe.
Hey, my set's about to be over.
Want to get some breakfast? Do I want to get some breakfast? What time is it? Oh, shit! Shit on my life! I have to take my kid to day care.
What? So you stay there until 6:00 in the morning so that I could manage some deejay? No, I got him to agree to sit down with you, which could really help us.
You know what would help? Don't set off the burglar alarm when you come crawling home at dawn.
You changed the code.
Same code.
Well, I'm allowed to go out.
I'm allowed to shit my pants.
Doesn't make it a good decision.
God Are you okay? I'm fine.
I haven't been sleeping well.
Is that insomnia or Molly? A little bit of both.
- Mm-hmm.
- I got us a new hookup.
Do you remember that deejay we ran into the other night? Yeah, the one that you blew me off for? I was networking! Is that what they call it now? Oh, shut up.
This is really big; it's important.
How would you like to have your designs projected at one of his shows? That's like What are you talking about? Never mind.
So, how is Lina? She's good.
She's a little obsessed.
"Obsessed"? Trying to figure out who gets the kids if we die.
Both our families suck.
Mmm.
Dark.
Well, am I in the mix? I mean, they should just go to me.
I'm like family.
Yeah, yeah.
"But, of course, Lina would never allow that" is that the second part to the sentence I should say? You know, the girls have been asking about you, so why don't you and Shep come over this weekend for the game? Yeah, I'd love to.
Is that okay with Lina? Stop being so weird.
I'm not.
I'm not being weird.
You are.
No, I'm not.
Ordering a salad at a grilled cheese truck? Weird.
Can we go? We've been here, like, forever.
Hang on, just wait until the class is over, okay? Oh, okay, stand up, come on.
Come with me.
Jesus! Hi! Hey! Fancy meeting you here.
What are you doing here? Hey, who's this cool dude with you? This is my son Chase.
And we have to go.
Oh.
Say, I just had a crazy idea.
We got these two cool kids with us on a Saturday.
Should we go play mini golf? There's a course five minutes away from here.
We could get to know each other.
I love mini golf! Can we? Huh? Yeah, I love it, too! - You love it, too, right? - Excuse me.
Sure.
No, not "sure" yes.
You love it.
So we're gonna go, huh? Sure.
Guess so.
When did you get a tattoo? Hmm? Oh.
I just I don't know.
Had this for a while, I think.
Huh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Wow, your highlights have really grown out.
I mean your hair's long.
You know.
We haven't seen you in a while.
Sorry.
We've been busy.
Did you know I went back to teaching? Well, technically I'm a teaching assistant, but Oh, no, everyone's busy; I get it.
Did Russ mention that I offered to take care of the girls if you died? He did actually, yeah.
And? We decided not to die.
Great plan.
Okay, well, uh, I have a little present that I brought for the girls if I could Yeah, they're in Ella's room.
It's the end of the hallway in case you forgot.
- Look at them.
- Pretty cute.
They're laughing.
They're taking turns.
They're like brother and sister already.
But without the incest factor.
Aw, that's We dodged a bullet there.
How did you know where to find me? I know you.
You know, getting ambushed like that was pretty intense.
Oh, I'm also a cutter, so Oh, really? Well, um, I just need you to know Chase is the most important thing in the world to me.
Relax.
Neither of them suspect a thing.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Mom? - Yeah, honey? Can your boyfriend come over for dinner tonight? Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
Hey, little buddy.
How could I be? - I'm 40 days celibate.
- AJ! No.
What's "celibate"? It's nothing.
It's not even a thing we need to start worrying about.
Sometimes when you love cookies so much, it's better to not eat any because you end up eating the whole box.
Just like the Cookie Monster.
Yeah.
Like Cookie Monster.
Like Cookie Monster.
You like him, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
"C" is for "celibate.
" "Cookies.
" It's for "cookies," AJ.
And gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous I want polka dots on my nails, too.
Okay, you're next.
You're so much better at makeup than our mom.
Well, you know what, girls? If you want to get noticed, you really have to put in the work.
It's a real thing, okay? And the older you get, the harder it is to be cute.
That's just a sad truth.
I wish my mom had style like you.
You know, she has other stuff.
She just doesn't really care about that.
But luckily, I do.
And I'm here.
I can help you with, you know, your prom, I can help you with your weddings when you meet that special prince.
Yeah.
You know what? You guys should come and stay with me for a weekend.
We haven't done that in so long.
- Yeah, that'd be really cool.
- Totally.
Yeah.
Just us.
But you know what? You probably got to ask your mom about that, actually, 'cause she's not my biggest fan.
You know that, though, right? Little whisperings around the house? Your dad used to love me.
And now I think he's sort of over me as well.
That's mean.
You know what? It is kind of mean, because it's mean to not be honest, and a lot of times when adults don't want to be friends with someone anymore, they don't even say it.
They just they just say that they're busy.
You know? And they just blow people off and they don't answer text messages anymore and, um and they-they really let it fizzle out.
Hey, so how's the teaching going? It is going great.
I can speak for myself, thank you very much.
Kind of talking to her.
It's good.
I used to hate 12 kids; now I'm down to seven.
- So, better.
- Definitely.
- Thank you for asking.
- Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Baby! Hey, hey, hey.
What? Why do you guys hate Aunt Jess? Great.
Another place we won't get invited back.
I can't believe this.
Just explain to me what happened in there.
- What did you say? - What did I say? Well, what-what why Whose side are you taking? You made a kid cry.
You're gonna believe a child over your own wife? What is happening? I'm worried about you.
I think we should go back into therapy.
Yeah.
I mean, not much of a point for me, since they always love you.
That's so not true.
- Please.
You always win therapy.
- I win? What, exactly, did I win? How much longer do you think that marriage lasts? I'll take the under.
There's a nice idea.
Maybe we can kick the dog on the way out.
Hey, you know, we're gonna, uh, take off early.
Jess isn't feeling great.
- Oh - Oh Feel better.
No, I'm actually feeling fine.
And also, we don't have to do this.
We don't have to pretend.
I understand how everybody feels about me.
You know? I get it.
I'm really inappropriate and I do too much coke and I party too hard and Look, why don't you just quit while you're ahead, okay? I mean you're gonna miss me.
I enjoyed the wings.
That was fun, huh? Mm-hmm.
Do you follow a lot of women? On Instagram, yes, I But in real life.
I know I'm intense.
I I'm an Aries.
I run hot.
I need you to cool it down a bit.
Whoa, whoa.
What do you mean? I just want to slow things down.
I get it.
You're mad at me because I haven't had sex with you yet.
No.
I No, I just think it's a little early for you to have a relationship with my son.
Take a beat before we blend the families? I think that's a good idea.
What do we tell Chase? I don't think we need to tell him anything.
- I know exactly what to say.
- Say nothing.
- Chase - Yeah? Come here.
Hey, little buddy.
Cookie Monster is on a diet right now.
Just lean meats and veggies.
No cookies? No.
No cookies.
But I'll see you when it's time for a cookie.
How's that sound? Okay.
And I'll see you when it's time for a cookie.
Maybe we could have a few dinners before that cookie.
Slowing things down.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
All the times that we took them out to dinner when they were broke.
And that I've sat there and watched their girls.
And then they just turn around and treat me like this because it's just so easy for them to do it! You weren't the best guest.
Okay.
That's really perfect for me.
So you're just gonna attack me as well? I'm not attacking you.
Yeah, you are.
You are attacking me.
Didn't mean to attack you.
You gonna get ready for bed, or you gonna turn into a bat now, - fly away for the night? - Jesus Christ.
Does it feel good to say stuff like that to me? 'Cause I certainly don't need it.
I don't need it either.
Meaning what? Meaning maybe enough is enough.
You're not happy here.
I'm I'm tired of being treated like an asshole.
I'm not an asshole.
I know.
I I know, I don't think that you are.
Well, if you want a new life with someone else, fine.
Go get it.
Just stop blaming me.
Stop blaming everybody else in the world.
Take some responsibility, be an adult, and own it.
I really just I'm not trying to, like, tear the world down, but I just wanted to I want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
Everybody wants to be happy.
But it doesn't just come like Go ahead.
Go be happy.
I want you to be happy, I really do.
- I - Go be happy.
And, hey, if it gets too hard, then you can run away from that, too.
What did Jess say? She said that they're done.
That it's, like, official official; it's over.
- Isn't that crazy? - Yeah.
And she wants to, like, meet up and talk.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
I guess I'll go get a drink? Talk.
Thank you.
Wow.
She was pretty hot, right? I've been single 11 minutes.
Okay.
So check back with you over the weekend? - That would be better.
- Okay.
Um This might not be the best time to bring this up, but, uh if Lina and I were to die, how would you feel about taking our kids? I've been single 11 minutes.
Got it.
- Let me enjoy this.
- Okay.
After the beer, ask you again? - Bring it up.
- Okay.
Aw shit.