Melissa & Joey s02e09 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Come on, Travis.
It's a silent auction, so I was bidding on stuff.
I was helping the city.
You paid $200 for a dinner with yourself.
After a heated bidding war- with myself.
I didn't want to be one of those leftover auction items that's pathetic at the end of the night, you know? It would have just been me and the ride-along with the sanitation department.
Well, I wouldn't call that pathetic.
You bought that?! They let you push the button that smashes everything.
Yeah, money well spent.
Well, now that I've got you back here at my bachelorette lair, let's get down to it.
Leftovers! I'm starving.
- Yeah, I didn't find that dinner they put out very - Edible? - That's the word.
- Well, don't worry.
I guarantee you will do better here tonight.
I mean, you know, with the food.
Okay, Mozzarella salad, squash blossoms stuffed with Ricotta and herbs and buttermilk fried chicken.
Wow, is this all homemade? Yep, made right here in my home.
Mmm, what is in this batter? You have to tell me.
Uh, I can't because it's, um, secret batter stuff.
Mmm, still not gonna say.
I might say.
You should keep trying.
Mmm, tastes like chicken.
- I don't know when you had the time to cook all this.
- Neither do I.
- You are unbelievable.
- Can't argue with that.
- Hi! - Hello.
Oh, Travis, this is Joe.
Joe is my All around, all-purpose nanny slash not-chef.
Oh good, 'cause there's nothing more awkward than walking in and meeting your date's husband.
Or boyfriend.
Or their naked mom in the hallway.
Trust me- I've walked in on a lot of weird stuff.
Don't mind me.
I just came down here to get some leftovers.
Want to know what the secret is, Travis? I'm gonna tell you.
- Joe, Joe, Joe- - No no no, come on.
He deserves to know what the secret is.
The secret, Travis, is, um, paprika.
And now you know.
Paprika.
Yeah, I get the good stuff from- Canada.
Yep, she's got a million secrets just like that, Travis.
Paprika grown in the beautiful Canadian Rockies.
Out.
I hope we can do this again sometime.
Well, here you go.
Look.
Good for one dinner with a hot councilwoman.
Just so we're clear- it's me.
I guess you're stuck with me.
Ryder, what's the rule about texting at the table? Don't get caught? He's texting Holly.
Se had to go to Cincinnati for her great-aunt's funeral.
She's given me a list of TV shows I'm not supposed to watch until she gets back.
What? She can tell from my tone of voice who got voted off "Project Runway.
" Dude, there were just so many things wrong with that sentence.
Hey, she knows what she likes, okay? And she likes me.
She said I'm "totally fixable.
" - Like a dog.
- Such a good boy though! Hey, it's Supergirl! Look at this, c'mere.
Fly over here and taste this.
I want you to tell me if it needs any of your magic Canadian paprika.
- Let it go, Longo.
- I can let your lie go, but, you know, I can't speak for Travis.
What is the big deal? It wasn't a lie lie.
It was just a tiny omission of truth.
He assumed I made the meal, and for me to point out his error would have been impolite.
Yeah sure, there's nothing ruder than the truth.
Look, Joe, if a woman saw you standing in front of a Porsche and she said "nice car," you'd say "thank you" - even if it wasn't your car.
- What?! - No, I wouldn't.
- Uh, yeah, you would.
I saw you do it at the mall last week.
Ryder's been texting at the table.
- Hey, Mel.
- Travis! What are you doing here? I couldn't stop thinking about last night.
Those squash blossoms were so good, I wanted to grow another tongue.
Ooh, that's a very intriguing idea.
Go on.
I'm here to redeem my certificate for a dinner with a hot councilwoman.
- How's Saturday? - That's great.
Uh, there's that new Chinese place that opened downtown.
Well, I was thinking how about we cook a meal together? - We who? - We you.
You'd cook the whole thing, I'll do all the shopping.
I'll even clean up afterwards.
Are you sure you don't want to try the Chinese place? Because they have a killer kung pao.
I mean, you think you're blown away by the kung, and then pow! Mel, it's been a bad year.
Since I found out about my girlfriend's delightful secret life- don't ask- I've been alone and eating all my meals out of takeout boxes.
Now it says here "Good for a dinner with Mel Burke" at the place of my choice.
" I choose your place with your home cooking.
What do you say? Candles, music, white wine? Look, Travis, I have to be completely honest with you.
I don't like white wine.
Longo, Longo, shh! I'm trying to work.
- You're watching cartoons.
- It's "Ratatouille.
" In what universe is that work? Okay, Travis is coming over Saturday night for dinner which he asked me to make- in front of him, so I am just trying to teach myself how to cook a gourmet meal in, you know, 76 hours.
By watching an animated rat? That's like learning how to swim by watching "SpongeBob.
" Please, Joe, just let me get back to my research.
Just go cook dinner with your masterful culinary skills.
Oooh, you like this guy, don't you? I do.
I really do.
- Then you're screwed.
- Please, Joe, please! Would you teach me how to make an amazing meal? Would I teach you how to make an amazing meal What? Would you teach me how to make an amazing meal O lord of the pans? I like that.
Ok, so I'm going to grab us some snacks and then we can go study up in my room.
Or here.
This area's, you know, fine, really.
Trust me, Noelle, my room will be a lot less annoying.
I don't know.
I mean there's something about this room.
It's kinda cute.
What's up? Is this seat taken? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get out of your way.
No! I mean, you can stay.
Please stay.
Whatever.
I don't care.
See you later.
Wish it was later.
Really? My little brother? He still has a Yoda pillowcase.
Friggin' Yoda! All right, here we go.
Now we're gonna get started, all right? So reach your hand inside the bird and pull out the giblets.
I hardly know this chicken.
You really want me to go to third base with him? Get in there and get the giblets.
And what exactly are giblets? Are you kidding me? It's- it's the heart, the neck, the liver, the gizzards.
What? Gizzards? Now you're just making this crap up.
Quit whining and get in there and pull out the giblets.
Let's go! Come on.
How will I know when I've found- oh.
Okay, I found them.
Oh- ugh! It's a boy.
All right.
Put your hand inside the cavity.
Put it in there, put a little pressure on it then start massaging the breast, okay? Here we go, all righty.
Put a little of this- what are you doing? - What? - What is it- what's this? What's this? Can you massage it? Rub harder, okay? There we go.
Jeez, I feel like we should light some candles and pop in an Enya CD.
How's the pressure? Is it too hard? Are you staying here at the hotel? That's a little chicken humor.
I should probably tell you, um, you don't have to keep your hand in there any more.
Oh! We can study at your house tomorrow if you want.
You know, just for a change.
No, there are things here you won't find at my house.
No no no no no no.
See, um, let me explain this to you in a calm, unemotional way.
He is my little nose-picking brother! If people see you guys together at school, they'll mock me.
You- I'm only thinking of you.
I'm thinking of me too.
So, whatcha doing? I don't know.
I was sitting.
You are so funny! So who are you always texting? Is it your girlfriend? Yes! yes, he has a girlfriend.
A mean little girlfriend.
Yeah, normally at this time of the day, she and I sit on the swing together.
Even though she's out of town, she still wants me to stick to the schedule.
Oh.
Well, if your schedule opens up, here's my number.
And don't wash your arm until you call me.
Ugh! Wait, Lennox! What was that about? The last time someone wrote on me was at camp.
I woke up with boobs drawn on my forehead.
This isn't a prank.
Noelle is seriously crushing on you.
Wait, what? Why? She's cute and popular and I'm the kinda guy who- you know.
Walks around with boobs on his forehead for three days? It was permanent marker! I rubbed those boobs as hard as I could! They would not come off! Look, you cannot be dating one of my friends.
It's in the Bible! "Nerds and normals shall not hook up.
" Just stick with Holly.
She's sweet and lovable.
You called her a ballbuster.
Okay, I've called her worse than that! Move on! Look, you've got to tell Noelle it's not happening.
- Unless - Dinner, guys.
Hey, uh, Joe, tell me something.
Is it possible I could, like, go out with two girls at the same time? Dude, you get upset when your carrots touch your peas.
Dig in! Chicken stuffed with tapenade and chorizo, Prosciutto-wrapped asparagus and fingerling potatoes.
Wow, Joe.
What's the occasion? The occasion is your aunt made dinner.
- No thanks.
- I'm not hungry.
No no, guys, it's okay.
I oversaw everything.
You guys are going to be the Guinea pigs for your aunt's social life, so dig in and enjoy.
Wow.
Aunt Mel, this is actually pretty good.
Yeah, it's better than good.
It's like Joe good.
I did it! I can cook.
Yeah, suck it, Rachel Ray.
Okay, all the utensils are lined up.
You've got your little cheat sheets posted everywhere, right? Yes, I do! Oh, this one should be closer to the stove.
Hey, Burke, take a deep breath.
- It's gonna be great.
- Yeah, you're right.
Thanks, Longo.
I really appreciate you coming through- Oh my gosh, get out! You gotta get out of here.
He can't see you in the kitchen.
That is not Travis yet, okay? - Hey there.
- Hey, Joe.
- How are you? - I'm Candi.
Oh, of course you are.
Candi is studying to be a masseuse.
I need 100 hours of hands-on experience to get certified.
Yeah, so I'm helping her out, you know? Letting her - put her hands all over me.
- Selfless to a fault.
- That's me, that's me.
I just feel that a masseuse is a terrible thing to waste.
- Travis! - Hey, your nephew let me in.
He can't stop smiling about something.
And neither can I.
- So are we all ready to go? - Yeah yeah, absolutely.
Um, never been more ready.
Step one, we will rinse the chicken.
Uh, actually, Mel, slight change in plans.
There's no chicken.
Salmonella outbreak.
Salmonella? Wait, that only kills like one in five people.
I mean, one two- we're good.
You're hilarious, Mel.
Look what I got instead.
Fresh Maine lobster, flown in today.
But- but- aw, but chicken! I know chicken.
I was, um, gonna Rub the breast and stuff the cavity.
Well, we'll stuff the lobsters.
With crabmeat.
If they're flying all this stuff in from Maine, why can't they fly in a few damn chickens? Oh my goodness.
- How's that pressure? - It's amazing.
You should really be a Ph.
D.
In this.
Really? You'd certify me? I would certify you right now.
Joe, Joe, mayday mayday! Hey, what are you doing? You can't just burst in here.
Candi's right in the middle of studying for her deep-tissue midterm.
No chickens, salmonella outbreak, scary lobsters, help.
Are you kidding me? Can you at least get outside, please, until she turns me over? No, you've gotta help me! I need a new plan.
Oh jeez, all right.
I got a plan for you.
How about this one: Find a rat that's a really good cook, hide him underneath your chef's hat and overnight you'll be the toast of Paris.
Joe, be serious.
I mean if I could hide a- wait a minute.
That's not a bad idea.
Come on, rat.
Let's get you under my hat.
All right.
Can you see me? Unfortunately yes.
All right, so you're gonna want to bring the water to a roiling boil.
Mel! I almost forgot these in the car.
- I brought them for you.
- Aw, I love them! Put 'em outside.
Handsome.
- Okay, I'm back.
- Okay now, once the water is boiling you're gonna take the lobsters - and you're gonna put them in the pot.
- But that'll kill them! Grow a pair, Burke.
Hey, Aunt Mel, I really gotta talk to you.
- Yeah, it's not a good time.
- You know what's a worse time? Having your reputation ruined because your little brother is about to start dating one of your friends.
Noelle? Hot Noelle? She'll eat him alive.
She would.
Oh, thank you! Anytime! Okay Joe, I mean, look, I've been checking all over.
Do these guys have giblets? Because I don't see any way in.
- Are you talking to me? - No- uh, lobster.
I like to explain the procedure, because, you know, I feel like they're more relaxed, they taste better.
All right.
Ready for my next assignment.
Okay, um, yeah, candles, yes! Candles.
Whoa, too fast! I mean that's not enough.
Um, here, these are better.
Light these and put 'em around the patio.
- How many do you want? - All of them.
The more candles, the better the mood.
Everybody knows that.
Okay.
- All right, where were we? - Aunt Mel, have you seen my- - oh, there it is.
- No, get your hands off that thing! - It's mine.
- No, but I paid for it! Holly heard that Noelle likes me and she wants to chat, like, right now.
Please accept video chat from Holly.
Hey, Ryder, I was just up with Lennox - and I was wondering- - Noelle, oh my God.
Please accept video chat from Holly.
You know, you were studying with Lennox, can you just go back up there? I'd rather be with you.
- Video chat accepted.
- Oops.
Hi Holly.
It's Holly.
That's gonna void the warranty! It's gonna void my life.
Aw, Ryder, what a terrible tragedy your girlfriend saw us.
What the heck's going on down here? I heard a struggle and a splash and then I lost you.
I can't do this any more, Joe.
I give up.
After we've come this far? No way, uh-uh.
Move out of the way.
Give the rat the tongs.
Here we go- You really can't follow a recipe.
That's it.
I'm just gonna have to come clean and tell Travis that I'm a fraud.
He'll probably never speak to me again.
Why, because you can't cook? I mean, come on.
Any reasonable guy would be flattered that a woman like you went to all this trouble for him.
Now take that lobster and give him a nice hot bath.
- You can do it.
- I can't! Look at those cute little eyes up there.
I'll help you.
Hey, buddy, it's time for a nice hot bath.
Are you ready? And in the water.
There we go.
Look at that, you did it.
I did it! This is great.
I mean not for you.
Sorry.
Hey, what are you doing out here? You know, I was in there with Noelle and she was massaging my neck and it felt so good and- then I just had to get out of there.
- How did you escape? - I told her I needed a smoke.
- Good cover! - I made a complete mess of it.
Holly saw me with Noelle and now I'm dead.
Why do you care? I mean it seems like you've already made your decision.
I have? Yeah! You're Noelle's boy now.
- Congratulations! - I thought you didn't want me dating your friend.
Oh, I was just being selfish.
You and Noelle clearly have something special.
Yeah.
And that is? I can't define it, but it's there.
And with Noelle being a more experienced woman who's been with tons of boys- upperclassmen, even a couple of college guys, I hear- she'll be expecting a lot.
But, you know, you can handle that, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the safe old days with Holly Over.
That was the sandbox.
Welcome to the Thunderdome.
I want Holly.
I want her back.
- Are you sure? - More than anything.
Well okay, it's your decision.
It is.
And I've just gotta go in there and tell Noelle it's over.
Would you do that for me? Yeah yeah, I'll do that.
Just go take a walk and finish your fake smoke.
Thanks.
You're a great sister.
I should teach a class.
All right, so put an equal amount of stuffing on each plate, add the sides, you are good to go, 'kay? Oh, thanks, Longo.
Hey- - We really did it, didn't we? - Yeah, I guess we did.
- We make a pretty good team.
- Yeah, Burke and Longo, one hell of a team.
Now get upstairs before Travis finds out about us.
Too late! I can't believe I keep walking in on stuff like this! Well, at least you two have your clothes on.
Of course we have clothes on.
We were cooking.
I mean I was cooking! Look look, okay, Joe was cooking.
Everything you ate the other night was stuff that Joe made.
It's true.
Yeah, I mean, she can't cook.
She's an awful cook.
But she's got a lot of other great qualities.
None of which are coming to my mind right now, but- I know they're in there somewhere.
- Well, come on, you guys have a thing.
- No thing- nothing.
- Why do people think that? - We are a man and a woman who live together and we're raising a couple of kids.
How is that a relationship? I mean he doesn't even really live in the house.
He lives way way way out there, over the garage.
In fact, he has another woman in his room right now.
I do.
I always do.
I'm not getting into the middle of this.
It's not going to happen to me again.
One of these days I'm going to walk in on something normal.
Wow, that guy- that guy has some issues.
Yep.
I mean, we're just two friends doing what friends do.
Exactly- friends.
I mean, being there for each other no matter what.
Joe, are you coming back? See ya.
You know, Joe, dinner with you is a lot less pressure.
I mean, I can get food in my teeth, spill butter all over my dress and it doesn't really matter.
There are definite advantages to living with someone you don't care that much about.
We are pretty lucky.
Oh my gosh, that is just incredible.
It is beyond human experience.
Oh, will you stop? Come on, it's just a couple of boiled lobsters.
Not that.
Candi.
Is the pressure good? Are you staying here at the hotel? I taught her that.