Mount Pleasant (2011) s02e09 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 9
It was all too perfect.
Any jobs going? Nothing yet.
He's doing me flippin' head in.
Following me around like an egg fart.
Get a baby sitter.
She had a mental breakdown.
She's not thick.
Dan, do you want to buy an Easter cake?.
Girlfriend not with you? Probably not had time to move on to her sister yet? (PHONE RINGS) AarghTell your mother when she gets back I am never topping her phone up again.
You don't know it's her.
Of course it's her.
Hello? Hi, Lisa! It's not my mother.
So ha! Well, who is it then? OK.
It's 7.
30 in the morning you know? I knew you'd be up for work.
You are up for work, aren't you? I am now.
I just thought you'd like to know that yesterday was the last of all of my sessions with Dr Edwards.
Was it? Oh, good.
All done and dusted.
A clean bill of health Everything back to normal again.
Great.
Yeah.
So, erm I'll speak to you soon then, eh? When? ErmI'm not sure.
I'll give you a ring.
OK? Bye.
You said she wouldn't be a problem! Don't point at me like that! I'm not a cat! A cat? Yes! A cat.
I don't know.
It's a bit early.
It is.
As it happens she was ringing me to tell me that she's completed all her therapy sessions.
Oh.
So you think that's it then, do you? Yeah.
I do.
(PHONE RINGS) Sounds like it.
Actually.
I'm done in there.
It's my mum, smart-arse.
Oh, God.
Most blokes have the decency to wait for the wife to go out before they start parading round in bra and pants.
I'm not most blokes.
No.
You're not.
(VACUUM WHIRLING) What are you doing? I'm practicing for the world embassy darts, aren't I? You're cleaning.
No flies on you.
Literally.
I'm doing the yearly spring clean as it goes.
Yearly? I've only done it for the past thirty years.
I've never seen you.
No.
Well, since you're all out of playmates you can actually give me a hand for once.
But not in that thing! Won't be able to resist the temptation, eh? Something like that.
Morning, Lisa! Hello there.
Are you all right? I am.
Going in to town later to meet Chris for a drink and a nibble.
Lucky him.
How is love's young dream? Oh! I don't know about the young! It's all right.
Yeah.
All right? You don't sound so sure.
No, it is It is, it's fine.
He's always wanting to meet up with us and stuff.
Always coming round for coffee.
Right.
Only, so far, when he does he means it.
Oh, coffee.
Not "coffee".
Maybe he just wants to take things slow? Maybe I'm not sending out the right signals.
I don't think that has ever been a problem for you, Bianca.
I don't know.
You see, I worry in here about Jim.
About what he might be thinking.
Maybe I'm the one holding back - and Chris can pick up on that.
Men are very intuitive, aren't they? No.
Aren't they? Not in the least.
Oh! Look, I think you both need to chill out a bit.
Why don't you come round for dinner or something.
What? Tonight? Well That'd be smashing! Chris would love that! He really likes Dan.
Thanks, Lisa! Aargh! What are you doing?! What? I'm doing the covers, like you said.
That sink was full of bleach! Was it? Oh, yeah.
So it was Well what did you tell me to hand wash 'em for then? Cos I meant upstairs! In the bath! And how was I supposed to know that? Common bloody sense, that's how.
All right.
Anybody home? I was wondering if you'd finished lending that What's going on? We're spring-cleaning.
What? Both of you? Together? Yeah.
Right, bye then.
Here! What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm getting out of here before World War Three breaks out.
So I'll be back later on to sort out the funeral arrangements with whoever's left standing.
All right? Cheeky bleeder.
We're not that bad.
If we did the others the same they'd all match again.
(LAUGHS) Oh, it's not that funny.
Cooking.
You? Come round for dinner.
Christ! I can do a curry but a four course meal?! Morning? Morning.
Morning? You all right? Yeah.
We are still on for? Yes, Fergus.
You're still babysitting.
You've asked me every day.
Sorry.
Just looking forward to it, you know.
I tell you what I haven't asked you though? Where is it you're going? Um Oh Actually I've got a date.
Have you? Good for you.
I hope he's a nice fella.
You deserve it.
Right anyway.
Back to my problem.
You've got to help me, Shelley.
I tell you what, I have got some cook books.
I could bring them round if you like? It's a start, I suppose.
(PHONE RINGS) I've been thinking.
Seems silly you having to babysit Josh when you haven't even met him proper.
I don't mind.
No, I think you should.
Meet him first, I mean.
Why don't you come to the nursery after work? I'd really like that.
Thank you.
It's a rainbow cake.
It's you, that cake, isn't it, Bianca? Is it? I wonder what sort of cake you are.
I'm saying nothing.
(LAUGHS) Lisa's invited us for dinner tonight.
Us? Us.
Is that all right? Yeah, sure, it's fine.
Oh! I really fancy a coffee.
How do you mean? I mean, I fancy a coffee.
Oh! A coffee? I dread to think what's going on round my Mum's now.
I wish you'd hurry up and sort him some work out.
I can't just magic it up, can I? What's he actually good at? Countdown.
He was always good at Countdown.
Especially the conundrum.
Don't know why.
Oh, right.
Not much call for that particular skillset on a building site.
No.
You spoken to Chris yet, about the old wife's sister thing? No.
Thought it was bugging you? Can we not talk about that, please? All right.
Just making conversation.
You spoken to Shelley? No.
Do you not think you should? No.
Every time she's round seeing Lisa I have to hear all about Can we not talk about that either? Shall we talk about football? Let's talk about football.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Lisa.
I'm so sorry, Lisa.
I don't mean to keep pestering you.
I really don't.
Two teas please.
But there's nobody else, you see? But I don't understand.
This morning when you called at 7.
30 you said that you'd completed all your therapy sessions.
A clean bill of health, you said.
Technically they don't really give you a clean bill of health.
Or a certificate it turns out.
I wanted a certificate.
Thank you.
Thanks Dr Edwards, she's told me I'm done.
But I don't feel I am.
Step six, start believing in yourself.
I got that one.
So if I believe in myself, and I believe that I failed step three.
Then I must have failed step three.
So what was step three? Finding and accepting forgiveness.
You know, from those I'd hurt.
You and Dan.
You forgave me.
Straight away.
Well, not straight away exactly.
Well, that's fifty percent.
Dan though Dan hates me.
Dan does not hate you.
He's scared of me.
Dan is not Dan does not hate you.
All right.
You're saying, if I could get Dan to tell you he forgives you, you'd be able to move on? Well, no, that won't work because he actually has to forgive me.
It's no good if you just tell him to.
Right.
Charlie! What was that noise? What noise? I didn't hear any noise? It sounded like a helicopter crash landing.
Well, I haven't seen any.
OK, now, before you Oh! Pauline.
Pauline.
Pauline.
Wait till I On the plus side, I managed to unplug it before it burned out.
How's it going upstairs? You winning? What's all that? Don't ask.
I've bought everything and anything.
I'm leaving nothing to chance.
Shelley's coming round with some cook books, with a bit of luck and a lot of wine we might just get through this.
What? What are you talking about? Dinner.
Tonight.
Chris and Bianca.
I sent you a text.
Err, no, you didn't.
Err, yes I did.
No, you didn't, Lisa, because if you had I'd have sent you one back saying, "are you crazy?" I don't want to have dinner with Chris and Bianca.
Why not? Because I just don't.
But you like Chris.
Says who? Oh, don't be so daft.
It's only dinner.
I'm going to be the one who's cooking it anyway or try to.
And if you would just check your phone every now and again.
You did not send me a text.
Dan, I am not stupid.
I clearly remember typing Oh, hang on No, no, I didn't! I was doing you one but Kate rang And then she appeared from nowhere And then we went for coffee and I clean forgot.
Kate? Rang you? And then "appeared from nowhere"? This would be the same Kate you were telling me this morning, was all better and wasn't going to interfere with our lives anymore - would it? So's I know - which row do you want first? Kate or the dinner party? (CHILDREN SCREAMING EXCITEDLY) Denise! Here we are.
Here's Mr Iggly Piggly Poggly Poo.
Bit of a mouthful that, isn't it! Can I just call him Joshua? Josh.
Josh.
Josh.
This is your Daddy.
He's just, erm He's, erm Oh, Denise, isn't he? Would you like to take him around the park? What? Some of the other mummies are having coffee inside.
I could go and join them.
Meet you back here in an hour? Do you mean it? Actually, no, it wouldn't be right.
We should ask Josh, shouldn't we? How about it Mr Iggly Piggly? Do you want to go for a walk round the park with Daddy? I heard a yes, did you? I did.
I did, he said yes.
Forgive her? But you have to mean it, she'll know if you don't.
You're unbelievable! You know I was never happy about this from the off, but I kept quiet.
Let you play community social worker.
"Oh! You won't have to be involved Dan, "you won't even have to see her.
" Next thing, she's at your Mum and Dad's party, She's calling you at all hours, She's turning up at the house With cakes! But I never asked her to.
No! See? You didn't.
But she still does it anyway, doesn't she? And now suddenly it's up to me to stop it all by telling her I forgive her? Well do you know what? I don't forgive her.
I never did and I sure as hell don't know how you found it so easy to.
Because I can see that she was telling the truth.
I happen to have more faith in people than you do.
I accept that people can change.
Oh yeah, cos you're such a great judge of character you aren't you? Yes! Yes, I am actually.
That'll be why we're having dinner tonight with someone who shagged their own wife's sister, will it? What? Nothing.
Chris? I never said Chris.
Oh! So Bianca's shagged her wife's sister then? Last one of Gary's games we went to.
There was some woman there who knew him.
They had a bit of an argument.
It all came out.
After all he said to me And Bianca, this morning, fretting that she was giving him mixed signals.
It's all a big game, isn't it, he's playing her, he just wants another notch on his bedpost.
All right, come on, we don't know that.
I thought you had faith in people? She's a widow, Dan.
I'll kill him.
No See, this is why I didn't tell you.
Go and talk to him.
Me? Unless you want me to.
No, no, no OK.
I'll go Erm How exactly do you bring something like this up? Oh, OK.
I'll improvise.
All right? Brought the books.
Dinner's off.
Wine's open.
Come in.
Would you like a beer or anything? No.
Ta.
I need to talk to you about something.
Oh! Is it me and you? The whole will they/won't they thing? Don't.
Oh, blimey.
This is serious, isn't it? Should I sit down? Look, the other night at Gary's match.
There was that woman you were talking to Jennie.
Well, I didn't mean to but I sort of accidently heard the whole thing.
And she mentioned me sleeping with my wife's sister? That was kind of the gist of it.
Yeah.
I see.
Now other peoples business, is other people's business, I've always believed that.
Anna.
Sorry? That's her name.
Sherrie's sister.
And you're right, it is none of your business.
But since it's out there now Yes.
I did.
Mate People do stuff, I get it.
But your wife's sister? That's like Yes.
It is.
It was supposed to be.
You see not so long ago I found something out.
Something I was never supposed to have known.
I found out that when Sherrie and I had first got together, she'd been seeing someone else behind my back.
It ended.
But I never knew.
For 14 years I never knew.
My son turned 14 last birthday.
Jesus.
Mate.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, your son I raised him.
He's my boy.
Always will be.
No matter what blood might be running through his veins.
But me and Sherrie.
That was it then.
You don't get past something like that.
So that night I left.
And I went the only place I could, my sister-in-law's.
Because I didn't want anybody to know what had happened.
We'd always been close, me and Anna.
I thought I was looking for comfort, you know.
It's what I tell myself anyway.
Truth is though, I guess I was looking more for revenge.
After that, word got out.
People heard Sherrie's side of the story, not mine.
But I left it at that.
My son has to still live there.
In that community.
Rather me the bastard than him.
Would you like that beer now? Yes, please.
Chris.
I'm sorry.
I should have let this go.
No.
You care about Bianca.
I get that.
But just so you know, so do I.
And he's always man of the match.
Well, not officially or anything, I don't think they do that actually.
But he is, in my eyes And everyone else's.
Oh Jim, you'd be so proud.
(SIGHS) I do miss you.
Every day.
It never gets any easier.
I get by, smile, do my hair up all nice, ditzy Bianca.
I'm coping, Jim.
I don't know what to do about Chris.
Everybody says the same thing, "Oh, Jim, he'd want you to be happy" and I know you would.
You always did.
But I can't help wondering I just wish you could tell me.
Somehow, some way that everything is all right.
Send me a sign something (ACHOO!) (COUGHING) Don't worry.
That wasn't a sign.
I know the Lord works in mysterious ways but that'd be a pretty poor one by even those standards.
It's hay fever.
I really did pick the wrong job, didn't I? Would you mind if we move away from here? Oh, well I don't want to bother you.
No, no, it's fine.
I'm bored witless to be totally honest.
Wow.
I mean he don't seem like the type, does he? I know.
They never do.
Poor Bianca, eh? Yeah! Anyway, speaking of men.
Last week you were insisting you were going to talk to him, sort out where you stand, and if it was a no go, get yourself back out there.
On the scene.
The scene? Do they not call it that anymore? I don't know.
Oh, God.
I feel old.
Me too.
Well? I will.
And you're right, if not then I will have to go and get back out onto "the scene.
" I mean, almost selfish to keep this to myself, isn't it? Playaaaa! No.
No? No.
No.
Well? Well, I've just Oh.
All right Shelley? Hiya.
It's all right.
I've told her.
Have you? Brilliant.
Now that's three people getting the wrong end of the stick thanks to me.
What do you mean? I mean I was wrong.
What? He never slept with his wife's sister? And you just accused him of it? What's wrong with you? You told me to! Anyway, it's fine.
He did sleep with her.
Oh, and that's all right?! Bloody hell, Dan.
No, no, no.
Now, you're making it worse again.
It's not simple as that.
Can I tell you all this later? You'd better tell me later.
And it better be good.
Then you'll tell me, won't you Lisa? Of course.
Oh, God.
What? That means I still have to do dinner.
Oh shit.
Bianca.
Look, I could tell that you and Jim loved each other very much.
We did.
But it doesn't mean that your life has to stop.
It does not mean that you can't find love again.
Do you think he can still see me? Jim? Bianca, I doubt he can keep his eyes off you.
Look, I don't pretend to have all the answers Although technically, I'm sort of paid to.
But all I do know is that he would want you to be happy.
And every time you stand at that grave and you question that, well, I think it breaks his heart a little.
Don't say that.
Well, stop breaking his heart and I will! Thank you.
And thank you again for such a lovely service.
It was so special.
And I am sorry I haven't been in church much since.
But I promise I will.
Good.
I shall hold you to that.
Could do with someone like you brightening up those pews.
Honestly, some of the miserable stiffs we get in there.
Fixed it.
Probably find some use for these and all.
Every cloud.
What's that? Clutter and crap.
Wants going up in the attic.
Well, I can't take it up.
You what? I can't cart a big box up a ladder.
Me back.
Then tell me something, Charlie.
What actual use are you to me, eh? Cos so far today, I've done every bleeding room in the house except this one.
Whilst you sat busying yourself ripping up me curtains.
Knackering me Hoover and bleaching me sofa cushions.
I made the tea.
Which you didn't sugar.
Do you take sugar? Only for the past forty years! Now! Not several weeks ago, you came crawling to my door, begging me on bended knee to take you back.
Yeah.
Not me knee I have trouble with, is it? Which I did.
Despite everything you put me through.
Despite the fact that for all your smarming and charming you've never once actually once said sorry or made any effort to explain why you did it in the first place.
Babs.
Portugal.
Any of it.
I'm starting to think this isn't about that box.
Well, you're wrong.
It is about that box.
Because if you can't even do me the simple task of moving it to where I'd asked you to.
Well What is the fucking point to any of it? Eh? Bye.
Bye, see you.
That's it.
That's what it says, three and a half fluid ounces.
But this hasn't got fluid ounces.
It's got millilitres.
What is it in millilitres? How should I know? Should we just put it all in? Oh God.
Go on to the next bit.
What's the next bit? All right.
All right.
All right.
Butter.
Butter.
50g of butter.
Right.
50g.
That sounds a lot, doesn't it? I've no idea.
I can't do this.
I've never been able to do this.
Well, I can't.
There is one option.
What? Dan won't like it.
I hope you've moved That's not the one I gave you.
No.
One you gave me's up in the attic.
Which is where I found this.
Our first single.
Your only single.
You told me you chucked all this out after I'd left.
I tried to.
Bin men were having none of it.
"We're paid to take rubbish, not crap.
" Haven't seen half this stuff for years There you are Easy Lady first draft.
Oh.
Led Zep.
Ah Glastonbury, 1971.
Remember? We saw Bowie.
Yeah.
Remember how in love we were back then? Everyone was in love back then.
Never used to fight.
You never gave me reason to.
I'd give anything to be back there, one last time.
Can't ever go back.
Nobody can.
I'll get it.
I am capable of answering a door you know.
Hi Dan.
Cavalry's arrived.
Come in.
I'm going out.
What? What about dinner? I'll be back when it's done.
You're right.
I haven't said it.
I've said everything but.
So I'm saying it now.
I'm sorry.
Why did you go? Because I wanted to feel young again.
And did you? No.
Just empty.
I needed to hear that, Charlie.
I've been waiting weeks to hear that.
It really was all I needed.
It's not getting you out of paying for them curtains, you know? Come on.
What other blasts from the past have we got in here, eh? Hey! Who says you can't go back? Oh.
(LAUGHS) Ahh.
(PHONE RINGS) It's Denise.
Hello, love, are you all right? Oh Lisa! I don't know what to do! It's Fergus.
What's he done now? He's kidnapped Josh.
(WHIMPERS) Denise! He's gone.
He's gone.
Come on love, calm down, I'm sure he's not.
I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding.
I waited and waited and then I went round the back and his car's gone! Why would his car be gone? Have you tried to phone him? Yes! You try! (GASPING) Looks like she's right.
It's a dead tone like he's taken the sim out or something.
Ohhhh! That's so we can't trace him! He's not Jason Bourne, sweetheart.
He's probably dropped it or something.
Come on, let's find him.
(GIGGLING) Hellooooo! What you doing out here? Hey, I need somewhere to hide for an hour or so (GIGGLING) What's going on? Here's Dan.
Look.
He's got like a very round head, hasn't he? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he has.
I wouldn't haven't noticed.
Pretty round.
Yeah.
You know what he looks like? What? A weeble! A weeble? Weebles wobble (BOTH) But they don't fall down.
Excuse me! (GIGGLING) Here's mummy now.
Denise What the hell do you think you're playing at? Sorry? We nearly called the police.
The police? Yeah.
The police.
That's what you do when someone kidnaps your baby.
Kidnaps? Denise.
No, I didn't.
I wouldn't.
Jesus.
I'm his dad.
What happened? We were in the park and he he did what babies do.
I didn't want to bring him back to you like that.
I know it sounds stupid Everything was so perfect, I wanted him perfect for you.
I knew I had an hour so I took him home.
Home? Yeah.
My home Well, my old home.
Saw Jane and borrowed some of Emily's nappies.
Then I went back to the nursery and I hit traffic.
And when I got there you were gone.
So I came straight here.
You didn't think to call us? The Bank cancelled my phone direct debit so my mobile's not Anyway, I did ring you though first chance I got.
I couldn't get through.
You wouldn't, would you? I changed my number weeks ago.
Wasn't going to give you my new one.
Oh God.
Oops.
Lets go, Shelley, I'm absolutely exhausted.
So Does this mean Mr Iggly Piggly got to meet his baby sister? Yeah, he did.
You should have seen them together, Denise.
I suppose They should know each other, shouldn't they? Jesus.
If the pair of them had to share a brain between them, they'd probably leave it on the bus.
Come on, let's go.
You can come for dinner, even if you are a sad old spinster.
I'm not putting it off anymore.
(PHONE DIALLING) Greg.
Hiya.
It's me.
I just I want to talk.
Now if possible.
Hi, Dan.
Where's Lisa? Where's Shelley? They've popped out.
Something about a kidnapping.
What? I'm glad you're here though.
Can you come and take over stirring this? I got to chop some more vegetables No.
I can't.
Why not? It'll ruin otherwise, Lisa'll go mad.
Do you want a drink or.
.
? No, No I'm fine.
I, err I'm just going to make it short and sweet.
Me and you.
I need to know.
Is there a future? (DOOR SLAMS) We're not going round till seven are we? No.
But I wanted to see you So Actually, I'm really glad you're here.
There's something I want to tell you.
Oh! There's something I want to tell you too! Really? You go first! I've not been completely honest with you.
About a couple of things.
I've not been completely honest with anyone actually, including myself.
But it's kind of out there now though so Can you not do that a bit quieter? Sorry.
Have you got a headache? Getting one.
I'm done now anyway.
It's lovely of Lisa to throw a dinner party, isn't it? She's a proper arranger, isn't she? Makes stuff happen.
Yeah.
I don't think she's really happy unless she's making other people happy.
Yeah.
That's what it's like.
Where's that knife gone? Uh Oh well.
This will do.
I mean, take me Everything she's done for me since I got back.
Nothing in it for her.
She just did it.
And after everything I'd done I don't think anybody really believed in me.
And then the one person who did, was the one person with every reason not to.
I do think about it, you know.
Every time I ring, or call round.
Dan will be there.
I do think about it.
Look.
Kate.
It's hard for me, all right? I know.
Yeah Apparently you do.
Which, to be honest, isn't something I'd really considered.
Look Kate, erm if you've made enough You know you're welcomed to stay for dinner, right? Lisa would like it.
Thanks.
That's That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard.
I'd have done a lot more than sleep with her sister if it had been me.
I didn't want to think about any of this.
Just live a quiet life.
Unfortunately I met you.
That didn't quite come out the way it was meant to.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was - I ended up explaining all this to Dan.
Because he was worried, about you.
Dan was.
He was And then, afterwards I was too.
Bianca, I never expected to meet anyone.
But I did.
Did you? You do know it's you that I'm talking about, don't you, Bianca? Oh! Yes I do! Sorry.
What I'm trying to say is, I know we've been taking things slowly and I guess I still want to, for the moment.
Just until I don't know, until I can get past it all this.
Does that make sense? Yes! Yes because I'd been so worried that it was me.
It is you Bianca.
Was that not clear? Noooo, I know that it's me you're talking about silly, It's just I thought it was me that was making you go slowly.
Giving you vibes to back off.
Were you? Not on purpose! I'm still hurting for Jim.
I don't know if I'll ever stop.
But I know that he wants me to be happy, he as good as told me.
And I do want to move on, I do.
But I think taking things slow I think I'd like that.
Then I guess things are looking pretty good.
I guess they are.
And there's me thinking that you really like coffee.
Come on Come on She's all of five foot four with attitude.
Never fails to ask for more when she's in the mood Forget those come to bed eyes Because she's just one of the guys And if you've seen her then you'll need her For I have to advise.
All right? Hiya.
Room for two more? Absolutely! So? No.
We've agreed to stay friends.
But you know it's fine.
Back on the scene? Back on the scene.
Boof! "Shining Light" - Ash Roman candles that burn in the night Yeah you are a shining light You lit a torch in the empty night Yeah you are a shining light Yeah you light up my life.
Yes.
You have always been a thorn in the side But to me you're a shining light.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To Lisa and Dan.
Cheers.
Yeah you are a shining light Yeah you light up my life.
Any jobs going? Nothing yet.
He's doing me flippin' head in.
Following me around like an egg fart.
Get a baby sitter.
She had a mental breakdown.
She's not thick.
Dan, do you want to buy an Easter cake?.
Girlfriend not with you? Probably not had time to move on to her sister yet? (PHONE RINGS) AarghTell your mother when she gets back I am never topping her phone up again.
You don't know it's her.
Of course it's her.
Hello? Hi, Lisa! It's not my mother.
So ha! Well, who is it then? OK.
It's 7.
30 in the morning you know? I knew you'd be up for work.
You are up for work, aren't you? I am now.
I just thought you'd like to know that yesterday was the last of all of my sessions with Dr Edwards.
Was it? Oh, good.
All done and dusted.
A clean bill of health Everything back to normal again.
Great.
Yeah.
So, erm I'll speak to you soon then, eh? When? ErmI'm not sure.
I'll give you a ring.
OK? Bye.
You said she wouldn't be a problem! Don't point at me like that! I'm not a cat! A cat? Yes! A cat.
I don't know.
It's a bit early.
It is.
As it happens she was ringing me to tell me that she's completed all her therapy sessions.
Oh.
So you think that's it then, do you? Yeah.
I do.
(PHONE RINGS) Sounds like it.
Actually.
I'm done in there.
It's my mum, smart-arse.
Oh, God.
Most blokes have the decency to wait for the wife to go out before they start parading round in bra and pants.
I'm not most blokes.
No.
You're not.
(VACUUM WHIRLING) What are you doing? I'm practicing for the world embassy darts, aren't I? You're cleaning.
No flies on you.
Literally.
I'm doing the yearly spring clean as it goes.
Yearly? I've only done it for the past thirty years.
I've never seen you.
No.
Well, since you're all out of playmates you can actually give me a hand for once.
But not in that thing! Won't be able to resist the temptation, eh? Something like that.
Morning, Lisa! Hello there.
Are you all right? I am.
Going in to town later to meet Chris for a drink and a nibble.
Lucky him.
How is love's young dream? Oh! I don't know about the young! It's all right.
Yeah.
All right? You don't sound so sure.
No, it is It is, it's fine.
He's always wanting to meet up with us and stuff.
Always coming round for coffee.
Right.
Only, so far, when he does he means it.
Oh, coffee.
Not "coffee".
Maybe he just wants to take things slow? Maybe I'm not sending out the right signals.
I don't think that has ever been a problem for you, Bianca.
I don't know.
You see, I worry in here about Jim.
About what he might be thinking.
Maybe I'm the one holding back - and Chris can pick up on that.
Men are very intuitive, aren't they? No.
Aren't they? Not in the least.
Oh! Look, I think you both need to chill out a bit.
Why don't you come round for dinner or something.
What? Tonight? Well That'd be smashing! Chris would love that! He really likes Dan.
Thanks, Lisa! Aargh! What are you doing?! What? I'm doing the covers, like you said.
That sink was full of bleach! Was it? Oh, yeah.
So it was Well what did you tell me to hand wash 'em for then? Cos I meant upstairs! In the bath! And how was I supposed to know that? Common bloody sense, that's how.
All right.
Anybody home? I was wondering if you'd finished lending that What's going on? We're spring-cleaning.
What? Both of you? Together? Yeah.
Right, bye then.
Here! What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm getting out of here before World War Three breaks out.
So I'll be back later on to sort out the funeral arrangements with whoever's left standing.
All right? Cheeky bleeder.
We're not that bad.
If we did the others the same they'd all match again.
(LAUGHS) Oh, it's not that funny.
Cooking.
You? Come round for dinner.
Christ! I can do a curry but a four course meal?! Morning? Morning.
Morning? You all right? Yeah.
We are still on for? Yes, Fergus.
You're still babysitting.
You've asked me every day.
Sorry.
Just looking forward to it, you know.
I tell you what I haven't asked you though? Where is it you're going? Um Oh Actually I've got a date.
Have you? Good for you.
I hope he's a nice fella.
You deserve it.
Right anyway.
Back to my problem.
You've got to help me, Shelley.
I tell you what, I have got some cook books.
I could bring them round if you like? It's a start, I suppose.
(PHONE RINGS) I've been thinking.
Seems silly you having to babysit Josh when you haven't even met him proper.
I don't mind.
No, I think you should.
Meet him first, I mean.
Why don't you come to the nursery after work? I'd really like that.
Thank you.
It's a rainbow cake.
It's you, that cake, isn't it, Bianca? Is it? I wonder what sort of cake you are.
I'm saying nothing.
(LAUGHS) Lisa's invited us for dinner tonight.
Us? Us.
Is that all right? Yeah, sure, it's fine.
Oh! I really fancy a coffee.
How do you mean? I mean, I fancy a coffee.
Oh! A coffee? I dread to think what's going on round my Mum's now.
I wish you'd hurry up and sort him some work out.
I can't just magic it up, can I? What's he actually good at? Countdown.
He was always good at Countdown.
Especially the conundrum.
Don't know why.
Oh, right.
Not much call for that particular skillset on a building site.
No.
You spoken to Chris yet, about the old wife's sister thing? No.
Thought it was bugging you? Can we not talk about that, please? All right.
Just making conversation.
You spoken to Shelley? No.
Do you not think you should? No.
Every time she's round seeing Lisa I have to hear all about Can we not talk about that either? Shall we talk about football? Let's talk about football.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Lisa.
I'm so sorry, Lisa.
I don't mean to keep pestering you.
I really don't.
Two teas please.
But there's nobody else, you see? But I don't understand.
This morning when you called at 7.
30 you said that you'd completed all your therapy sessions.
A clean bill of health, you said.
Technically they don't really give you a clean bill of health.
Or a certificate it turns out.
I wanted a certificate.
Thank you.
Thanks Dr Edwards, she's told me I'm done.
But I don't feel I am.
Step six, start believing in yourself.
I got that one.
So if I believe in myself, and I believe that I failed step three.
Then I must have failed step three.
So what was step three? Finding and accepting forgiveness.
You know, from those I'd hurt.
You and Dan.
You forgave me.
Straight away.
Well, not straight away exactly.
Well, that's fifty percent.
Dan though Dan hates me.
Dan does not hate you.
He's scared of me.
Dan is not Dan does not hate you.
All right.
You're saying, if I could get Dan to tell you he forgives you, you'd be able to move on? Well, no, that won't work because he actually has to forgive me.
It's no good if you just tell him to.
Right.
Charlie! What was that noise? What noise? I didn't hear any noise? It sounded like a helicopter crash landing.
Well, I haven't seen any.
OK, now, before you Oh! Pauline.
Pauline.
Pauline.
Wait till I On the plus side, I managed to unplug it before it burned out.
How's it going upstairs? You winning? What's all that? Don't ask.
I've bought everything and anything.
I'm leaving nothing to chance.
Shelley's coming round with some cook books, with a bit of luck and a lot of wine we might just get through this.
What? What are you talking about? Dinner.
Tonight.
Chris and Bianca.
I sent you a text.
Err, no, you didn't.
Err, yes I did.
No, you didn't, Lisa, because if you had I'd have sent you one back saying, "are you crazy?" I don't want to have dinner with Chris and Bianca.
Why not? Because I just don't.
But you like Chris.
Says who? Oh, don't be so daft.
It's only dinner.
I'm going to be the one who's cooking it anyway or try to.
And if you would just check your phone every now and again.
You did not send me a text.
Dan, I am not stupid.
I clearly remember typing Oh, hang on No, no, I didn't! I was doing you one but Kate rang And then she appeared from nowhere And then we went for coffee and I clean forgot.
Kate? Rang you? And then "appeared from nowhere"? This would be the same Kate you were telling me this morning, was all better and wasn't going to interfere with our lives anymore - would it? So's I know - which row do you want first? Kate or the dinner party? (CHILDREN SCREAMING EXCITEDLY) Denise! Here we are.
Here's Mr Iggly Piggly Poggly Poo.
Bit of a mouthful that, isn't it! Can I just call him Joshua? Josh.
Josh.
Josh.
This is your Daddy.
He's just, erm He's, erm Oh, Denise, isn't he? Would you like to take him around the park? What? Some of the other mummies are having coffee inside.
I could go and join them.
Meet you back here in an hour? Do you mean it? Actually, no, it wouldn't be right.
We should ask Josh, shouldn't we? How about it Mr Iggly Piggly? Do you want to go for a walk round the park with Daddy? I heard a yes, did you? I did.
I did, he said yes.
Forgive her? But you have to mean it, she'll know if you don't.
You're unbelievable! You know I was never happy about this from the off, but I kept quiet.
Let you play community social worker.
"Oh! You won't have to be involved Dan, "you won't even have to see her.
" Next thing, she's at your Mum and Dad's party, She's calling you at all hours, She's turning up at the house With cakes! But I never asked her to.
No! See? You didn't.
But she still does it anyway, doesn't she? And now suddenly it's up to me to stop it all by telling her I forgive her? Well do you know what? I don't forgive her.
I never did and I sure as hell don't know how you found it so easy to.
Because I can see that she was telling the truth.
I happen to have more faith in people than you do.
I accept that people can change.
Oh yeah, cos you're such a great judge of character you aren't you? Yes! Yes, I am actually.
That'll be why we're having dinner tonight with someone who shagged their own wife's sister, will it? What? Nothing.
Chris? I never said Chris.
Oh! So Bianca's shagged her wife's sister then? Last one of Gary's games we went to.
There was some woman there who knew him.
They had a bit of an argument.
It all came out.
After all he said to me And Bianca, this morning, fretting that she was giving him mixed signals.
It's all a big game, isn't it, he's playing her, he just wants another notch on his bedpost.
All right, come on, we don't know that.
I thought you had faith in people? She's a widow, Dan.
I'll kill him.
No See, this is why I didn't tell you.
Go and talk to him.
Me? Unless you want me to.
No, no, no OK.
I'll go Erm How exactly do you bring something like this up? Oh, OK.
I'll improvise.
All right? Brought the books.
Dinner's off.
Wine's open.
Come in.
Would you like a beer or anything? No.
Ta.
I need to talk to you about something.
Oh! Is it me and you? The whole will they/won't they thing? Don't.
Oh, blimey.
This is serious, isn't it? Should I sit down? Look, the other night at Gary's match.
There was that woman you were talking to Jennie.
Well, I didn't mean to but I sort of accidently heard the whole thing.
And she mentioned me sleeping with my wife's sister? That was kind of the gist of it.
Yeah.
I see.
Now other peoples business, is other people's business, I've always believed that.
Anna.
Sorry? That's her name.
Sherrie's sister.
And you're right, it is none of your business.
But since it's out there now Yes.
I did.
Mate People do stuff, I get it.
But your wife's sister? That's like Yes.
It is.
It was supposed to be.
You see not so long ago I found something out.
Something I was never supposed to have known.
I found out that when Sherrie and I had first got together, she'd been seeing someone else behind my back.
It ended.
But I never knew.
For 14 years I never knew.
My son turned 14 last birthday.
Jesus.
Mate.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, your son I raised him.
He's my boy.
Always will be.
No matter what blood might be running through his veins.
But me and Sherrie.
That was it then.
You don't get past something like that.
So that night I left.
And I went the only place I could, my sister-in-law's.
Because I didn't want anybody to know what had happened.
We'd always been close, me and Anna.
I thought I was looking for comfort, you know.
It's what I tell myself anyway.
Truth is though, I guess I was looking more for revenge.
After that, word got out.
People heard Sherrie's side of the story, not mine.
But I left it at that.
My son has to still live there.
In that community.
Rather me the bastard than him.
Would you like that beer now? Yes, please.
Chris.
I'm sorry.
I should have let this go.
No.
You care about Bianca.
I get that.
But just so you know, so do I.
And he's always man of the match.
Well, not officially or anything, I don't think they do that actually.
But he is, in my eyes And everyone else's.
Oh Jim, you'd be so proud.
(SIGHS) I do miss you.
Every day.
It never gets any easier.
I get by, smile, do my hair up all nice, ditzy Bianca.
I'm coping, Jim.
I don't know what to do about Chris.
Everybody says the same thing, "Oh, Jim, he'd want you to be happy" and I know you would.
You always did.
But I can't help wondering I just wish you could tell me.
Somehow, some way that everything is all right.
Send me a sign something (ACHOO!) (COUGHING) Don't worry.
That wasn't a sign.
I know the Lord works in mysterious ways but that'd be a pretty poor one by even those standards.
It's hay fever.
I really did pick the wrong job, didn't I? Would you mind if we move away from here? Oh, well I don't want to bother you.
No, no, it's fine.
I'm bored witless to be totally honest.
Wow.
I mean he don't seem like the type, does he? I know.
They never do.
Poor Bianca, eh? Yeah! Anyway, speaking of men.
Last week you were insisting you were going to talk to him, sort out where you stand, and if it was a no go, get yourself back out there.
On the scene.
The scene? Do they not call it that anymore? I don't know.
Oh, God.
I feel old.
Me too.
Well? I will.
And you're right, if not then I will have to go and get back out onto "the scene.
" I mean, almost selfish to keep this to myself, isn't it? Playaaaa! No.
No? No.
No.
Well? Well, I've just Oh.
All right Shelley? Hiya.
It's all right.
I've told her.
Have you? Brilliant.
Now that's three people getting the wrong end of the stick thanks to me.
What do you mean? I mean I was wrong.
What? He never slept with his wife's sister? And you just accused him of it? What's wrong with you? You told me to! Anyway, it's fine.
He did sleep with her.
Oh, and that's all right?! Bloody hell, Dan.
No, no, no.
Now, you're making it worse again.
It's not simple as that.
Can I tell you all this later? You'd better tell me later.
And it better be good.
Then you'll tell me, won't you Lisa? Of course.
Oh, God.
What? That means I still have to do dinner.
Oh shit.
Bianca.
Look, I could tell that you and Jim loved each other very much.
We did.
But it doesn't mean that your life has to stop.
It does not mean that you can't find love again.
Do you think he can still see me? Jim? Bianca, I doubt he can keep his eyes off you.
Look, I don't pretend to have all the answers Although technically, I'm sort of paid to.
But all I do know is that he would want you to be happy.
And every time you stand at that grave and you question that, well, I think it breaks his heart a little.
Don't say that.
Well, stop breaking his heart and I will! Thank you.
And thank you again for such a lovely service.
It was so special.
And I am sorry I haven't been in church much since.
But I promise I will.
Good.
I shall hold you to that.
Could do with someone like you brightening up those pews.
Honestly, some of the miserable stiffs we get in there.
Fixed it.
Probably find some use for these and all.
Every cloud.
What's that? Clutter and crap.
Wants going up in the attic.
Well, I can't take it up.
You what? I can't cart a big box up a ladder.
Me back.
Then tell me something, Charlie.
What actual use are you to me, eh? Cos so far today, I've done every bleeding room in the house except this one.
Whilst you sat busying yourself ripping up me curtains.
Knackering me Hoover and bleaching me sofa cushions.
I made the tea.
Which you didn't sugar.
Do you take sugar? Only for the past forty years! Now! Not several weeks ago, you came crawling to my door, begging me on bended knee to take you back.
Yeah.
Not me knee I have trouble with, is it? Which I did.
Despite everything you put me through.
Despite the fact that for all your smarming and charming you've never once actually once said sorry or made any effort to explain why you did it in the first place.
Babs.
Portugal.
Any of it.
I'm starting to think this isn't about that box.
Well, you're wrong.
It is about that box.
Because if you can't even do me the simple task of moving it to where I'd asked you to.
Well What is the fucking point to any of it? Eh? Bye.
Bye, see you.
That's it.
That's what it says, three and a half fluid ounces.
But this hasn't got fluid ounces.
It's got millilitres.
What is it in millilitres? How should I know? Should we just put it all in? Oh God.
Go on to the next bit.
What's the next bit? All right.
All right.
All right.
Butter.
Butter.
50g of butter.
Right.
50g.
That sounds a lot, doesn't it? I've no idea.
I can't do this.
I've never been able to do this.
Well, I can't.
There is one option.
What? Dan won't like it.
I hope you've moved That's not the one I gave you.
No.
One you gave me's up in the attic.
Which is where I found this.
Our first single.
Your only single.
You told me you chucked all this out after I'd left.
I tried to.
Bin men were having none of it.
"We're paid to take rubbish, not crap.
" Haven't seen half this stuff for years There you are Easy Lady first draft.
Oh.
Led Zep.
Ah Glastonbury, 1971.
Remember? We saw Bowie.
Yeah.
Remember how in love we were back then? Everyone was in love back then.
Never used to fight.
You never gave me reason to.
I'd give anything to be back there, one last time.
Can't ever go back.
Nobody can.
I'll get it.
I am capable of answering a door you know.
Hi Dan.
Cavalry's arrived.
Come in.
I'm going out.
What? What about dinner? I'll be back when it's done.
You're right.
I haven't said it.
I've said everything but.
So I'm saying it now.
I'm sorry.
Why did you go? Because I wanted to feel young again.
And did you? No.
Just empty.
I needed to hear that, Charlie.
I've been waiting weeks to hear that.
It really was all I needed.
It's not getting you out of paying for them curtains, you know? Come on.
What other blasts from the past have we got in here, eh? Hey! Who says you can't go back? Oh.
(LAUGHS) Ahh.
(PHONE RINGS) It's Denise.
Hello, love, are you all right? Oh Lisa! I don't know what to do! It's Fergus.
What's he done now? He's kidnapped Josh.
(WHIMPERS) Denise! He's gone.
He's gone.
Come on love, calm down, I'm sure he's not.
I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding.
I waited and waited and then I went round the back and his car's gone! Why would his car be gone? Have you tried to phone him? Yes! You try! (GASPING) Looks like she's right.
It's a dead tone like he's taken the sim out or something.
Ohhhh! That's so we can't trace him! He's not Jason Bourne, sweetheart.
He's probably dropped it or something.
Come on, let's find him.
(GIGGLING) Hellooooo! What you doing out here? Hey, I need somewhere to hide for an hour or so (GIGGLING) What's going on? Here's Dan.
Look.
He's got like a very round head, hasn't he? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he has.
I wouldn't haven't noticed.
Pretty round.
Yeah.
You know what he looks like? What? A weeble! A weeble? Weebles wobble (BOTH) But they don't fall down.
Excuse me! (GIGGLING) Here's mummy now.
Denise What the hell do you think you're playing at? Sorry? We nearly called the police.
The police? Yeah.
The police.
That's what you do when someone kidnaps your baby.
Kidnaps? Denise.
No, I didn't.
I wouldn't.
Jesus.
I'm his dad.
What happened? We were in the park and he he did what babies do.
I didn't want to bring him back to you like that.
I know it sounds stupid Everything was so perfect, I wanted him perfect for you.
I knew I had an hour so I took him home.
Home? Yeah.
My home Well, my old home.
Saw Jane and borrowed some of Emily's nappies.
Then I went back to the nursery and I hit traffic.
And when I got there you were gone.
So I came straight here.
You didn't think to call us? The Bank cancelled my phone direct debit so my mobile's not Anyway, I did ring you though first chance I got.
I couldn't get through.
You wouldn't, would you? I changed my number weeks ago.
Wasn't going to give you my new one.
Oh God.
Oops.
Lets go, Shelley, I'm absolutely exhausted.
So Does this mean Mr Iggly Piggly got to meet his baby sister? Yeah, he did.
You should have seen them together, Denise.
I suppose They should know each other, shouldn't they? Jesus.
If the pair of them had to share a brain between them, they'd probably leave it on the bus.
Come on, let's go.
You can come for dinner, even if you are a sad old spinster.
I'm not putting it off anymore.
(PHONE DIALLING) Greg.
Hiya.
It's me.
I just I want to talk.
Now if possible.
Hi, Dan.
Where's Lisa? Where's Shelley? They've popped out.
Something about a kidnapping.
What? I'm glad you're here though.
Can you come and take over stirring this? I got to chop some more vegetables No.
I can't.
Why not? It'll ruin otherwise, Lisa'll go mad.
Do you want a drink or.
.
? No, No I'm fine.
I, err I'm just going to make it short and sweet.
Me and you.
I need to know.
Is there a future? (DOOR SLAMS) We're not going round till seven are we? No.
But I wanted to see you So Actually, I'm really glad you're here.
There's something I want to tell you.
Oh! There's something I want to tell you too! Really? You go first! I've not been completely honest with you.
About a couple of things.
I've not been completely honest with anyone actually, including myself.
But it's kind of out there now though so Can you not do that a bit quieter? Sorry.
Have you got a headache? Getting one.
I'm done now anyway.
It's lovely of Lisa to throw a dinner party, isn't it? She's a proper arranger, isn't she? Makes stuff happen.
Yeah.
I don't think she's really happy unless she's making other people happy.
Yeah.
That's what it's like.
Where's that knife gone? Uh Oh well.
This will do.
I mean, take me Everything she's done for me since I got back.
Nothing in it for her.
She just did it.
And after everything I'd done I don't think anybody really believed in me.
And then the one person who did, was the one person with every reason not to.
I do think about it, you know.
Every time I ring, or call round.
Dan will be there.
I do think about it.
Look.
Kate.
It's hard for me, all right? I know.
Yeah Apparently you do.
Which, to be honest, isn't something I'd really considered.
Look Kate, erm if you've made enough You know you're welcomed to stay for dinner, right? Lisa would like it.
Thanks.
That's That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard.
I'd have done a lot more than sleep with her sister if it had been me.
I didn't want to think about any of this.
Just live a quiet life.
Unfortunately I met you.
That didn't quite come out the way it was meant to.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was - I ended up explaining all this to Dan.
Because he was worried, about you.
Dan was.
He was And then, afterwards I was too.
Bianca, I never expected to meet anyone.
But I did.
Did you? You do know it's you that I'm talking about, don't you, Bianca? Oh! Yes I do! Sorry.
What I'm trying to say is, I know we've been taking things slowly and I guess I still want to, for the moment.
Just until I don't know, until I can get past it all this.
Does that make sense? Yes! Yes because I'd been so worried that it was me.
It is you Bianca.
Was that not clear? Noooo, I know that it's me you're talking about silly, It's just I thought it was me that was making you go slowly.
Giving you vibes to back off.
Were you? Not on purpose! I'm still hurting for Jim.
I don't know if I'll ever stop.
But I know that he wants me to be happy, he as good as told me.
And I do want to move on, I do.
But I think taking things slow I think I'd like that.
Then I guess things are looking pretty good.
I guess they are.
And there's me thinking that you really like coffee.
Come on Come on She's all of five foot four with attitude.
Never fails to ask for more when she's in the mood Forget those come to bed eyes Because she's just one of the guys And if you've seen her then you'll need her For I have to advise.
All right? Hiya.
Room for two more? Absolutely! So? No.
We've agreed to stay friends.
But you know it's fine.
Back on the scene? Back on the scene.
Boof! "Shining Light" - Ash Roman candles that burn in the night Yeah you are a shining light You lit a torch in the empty night Yeah you are a shining light Yeah you light up my life.
Yes.
You have always been a thorn in the side But to me you're a shining light.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To Lisa and Dan.
Cheers.
Yeah you are a shining light Yeah you light up my life.